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so i've been reading over our old entries here and, gosh... beyond maybe september of last year i feel so alienated from who i used to be. a year ago i was so deeply depressed, so disconnected from headspace and so bitter. it's not that things are perfect now or anything, but, like... am i crazy or have i mellowed out hugely in the last year? [possibly just crazy, because make no mistake i am still an INTENSELY anxious human being lol]
since last September when all of our friend systems left, vanished, dispersed -the Wrong Band blocked us because of a falling out with a mutual friend, the House of Leaves were disrupted by trauma and only three of them ever came back, and the Lotus Cathedral disappeared for about eight months, which we figured would be permanent, but joy beyond words, it was not - something i think sort of kicked into high gear inside Hiraeth. we have been more in touch with each other since then. there are still dead zones, there will always be dead zones, and depressive episodes where we can't feel one another. but they pass, they always do. and in the last few months, this year especially we have been growing at a fast pace and coming into ourselves, somehow. so much has changed and i have changed. i like me a lot more than i did a year ago.
running down the list briefly.
kyo has become everyone's space mom. she has this beautiful languid warmth to her. this feeling of the girl who's been with us since the very start [2004!] coming into her own and growing at last into a woman. as such. an androgynous, genderless femme being in love with the universe and the ocean and Hiraeth and humanity. she works especially with myself and Carnelian as the main archiving team. she is the go-to person for loads of infodumps and theories about how our headspace works. i love her. i love her. she is a part of my heart and the foundation on which our headspace was built and how many times has it changed in these thirteen years hence. we owe her so much.
kris.... i can't believe how much he has softened. how powerful and visual my awareness of him is in headspace. and i really can't believe how much his walls have fallen, his guard has dropped. he is and forever will be our protector, one of only a very few trauma-born members in a System that was already here experiencing the trauma together as a family when it happened. but he was born with a singular purpose and he follows that purpose with a fiery passion, even now when we no longer have to deal with the abuse he was born to fight. our Kris, Kristanova, he's sometimes human now. i mean, he's always been human, but he wore that dog-shape as a threat display, i think. nothing makes my heart melt more than squeezing him in my arms and feeling that angry mint guise melt away to reveal vulnerable human flesh beneath, just for me. and he has always had this bone-deep insecurity. in 2010 when he mysteriously left [to this day still the only person to LEAVE headspace and then come back, rather than demanifesting, actually walking out, we still can't explain it] and came back changed, with the mohawk and heavy eye makeup he still wears to this day, and the smoking habit... we suppose that's when the life he now remembers having happened. somehow. and with those heavy memories, those sins [his words, not mine] on his conscience, he seeks, i guess, to redeem himself by protecting us. but he is already perfect in my eyes. he is like a brother and a star-mate to me. headspace is weird, you are family but you are lovers but you are your own selves.
ruby, i wish i saw you more often. i promise i will work on paying you a visit. i think in addition to Orange House you should open up your psychology practice again somewhere! maybe in the city. or hell you could just operate out of Orange House, pfft. i am sure Vernon wouldn't mind.
speaking of Vernon... i still can't quite get my head around what's happening with him and Anton. are they the same person? have they merged? Vernon is my little brother, a previous core, withdrawn and angry and sullenly silent... Anton remembers Ireland and raging against his catholic upbringing, burning churches, fire and venom. i don't know what the relationship is between those two but they resonate the EXACT same color. which means sameness. somehow, in some way. perhaps Vernon created Anton. that would have been in 2011, so i suppose it's not a stretch. i just wish he wasn't so clammed up, my sibling, i wish he was easier to speak to. someday. someday i'll drop your guards, my friend, and you can relax the way Kris has.
Owen... my kiddo. i'm so sorry that i missed your birthday out here. but i guess since you're almost never out here, it's not a huge deal, but i realized it late last night and felt so bad. it was on the eleventh, body-time, you're two whole years old now, hah. i wish you were easier to find. maybe it's a function of how we were raised, that my own headspace child and i aren't as close as perhaps we should be. but there are certainly no hard feelings. keep finding yourself out there as hard as you can and come back to me in the middle of a late-night thunderstorm, or maybe a summer night drive with heat lightning on the horizon, like you always used to do. i remember the day you woke up, right into the fold, surrounded by all of us. i want to tell you that your mother is back. somehow, against all the odds - or perhaps i shouldn't be so surprised, knowing her and what she means to her system - she is back. i have absolutely no idea how she'd feel about you now, if she'd even acknowledge you as her son, or... what. but it doesn't matter. you know damn well who your parents are. and your papa, at least, is beyond proud of you. i see glimpses of you wearing feathers and flowers in your hair. i know you are the witch's son incarnate. and i cannot wait to see you again and how you've grown.
and lastly for now, the Toy Soldier. heart of my heart. or perhaps it's the other way around, and i'm yours. that's what you keep saying. and you keep telling me you are light. the other day dawn was breaking through clouds as we drove home and you saw a ring of light haloed through clouds and you almost cried, because it felt so much like home. i think it must be an identity thing for you. i understand, love. we can all relate. he keeps being here, he keeps being so easy to find and so responsive. he's making silly remarks and giving me legitimately wise advice. i would have never believed all of this a year ago. and i know that there will be times in the future when this isn't the case, when i don't see him for weeks [as was the case a few months back] and can't manage to contact him for more than a few spare seconds at a time. i know. it doesn't invalidate any of the warmth and welcoming that you emanate whenever you're with me. nothing is more enjoyable than scanning the radio with you while driving. you love all music, and you always have. you can see into depths of me that even other headmates cannot. i don't know if i'll ever fully understand just what you are or how you got here or what you're made of. i only wish it was easier to record all our little wordless interactions. but i love you i love you beyond speaking.
i'm going to try and draw tonight, and i'll also post a couple of headspace-related entries from my private tumblr onto here for the sake of sharing. we love you all. <3 <3
edit - just to say that i did indeed post those formerly-private tumblr entries for you all, i'm unsure if they'll show up in the feed or if you have to go looking for them on my journal, but they are there for the reading now.
since last September when all of our friend systems left, vanished, dispersed -the Wrong Band blocked us because of a falling out with a mutual friend, the House of Leaves were disrupted by trauma and only three of them ever came back, and the Lotus Cathedral disappeared for about eight months, which we figured would be permanent, but joy beyond words, it was not - something i think sort of kicked into high gear inside Hiraeth. we have been more in touch with each other since then. there are still dead zones, there will always be dead zones, and depressive episodes where we can't feel one another. but they pass, they always do. and in the last few months, this year especially we have been growing at a fast pace and coming into ourselves, somehow. so much has changed and i have changed. i like me a lot more than i did a year ago.
running down the list briefly.
kyo has become everyone's space mom. she has this beautiful languid warmth to her. this feeling of the girl who's been with us since the very start [2004!] coming into her own and growing at last into a woman. as such. an androgynous, genderless femme being in love with the universe and the ocean and Hiraeth and humanity. she works especially with myself and Carnelian as the main archiving team. she is the go-to person for loads of infodumps and theories about how our headspace works. i love her. i love her. she is a part of my heart and the foundation on which our headspace was built and how many times has it changed in these thirteen years hence. we owe her so much.
kris.... i can't believe how much he has softened. how powerful and visual my awareness of him is in headspace. and i really can't believe how much his walls have fallen, his guard has dropped. he is and forever will be our protector, one of only a very few trauma-born members in a System that was already here experiencing the trauma together as a family when it happened. but he was born with a singular purpose and he follows that purpose with a fiery passion, even now when we no longer have to deal with the abuse he was born to fight. our Kris, Kristanova, he's sometimes human now. i mean, he's always been human, but he wore that dog-shape as a threat display, i think. nothing makes my heart melt more than squeezing him in my arms and feeling that angry mint guise melt away to reveal vulnerable human flesh beneath, just for me. and he has always had this bone-deep insecurity. in 2010 when he mysteriously left [to this day still the only person to LEAVE headspace and then come back, rather than demanifesting, actually walking out, we still can't explain it] and came back changed, with the mohawk and heavy eye makeup he still wears to this day, and the smoking habit... we suppose that's when the life he now remembers having happened. somehow. and with those heavy memories, those sins [his words, not mine] on his conscience, he seeks, i guess, to redeem himself by protecting us. but he is already perfect in my eyes. he is like a brother and a star-mate to me. headspace is weird, you are family but you are lovers but you are your own selves.
ruby, i wish i saw you more often. i promise i will work on paying you a visit. i think in addition to Orange House you should open up your psychology practice again somewhere! maybe in the city. or hell you could just operate out of Orange House, pfft. i am sure Vernon wouldn't mind.
speaking of Vernon... i still can't quite get my head around what's happening with him and Anton. are they the same person? have they merged? Vernon is my little brother, a previous core, withdrawn and angry and sullenly silent... Anton remembers Ireland and raging against his catholic upbringing, burning churches, fire and venom. i don't know what the relationship is between those two but they resonate the EXACT same color. which means sameness. somehow, in some way. perhaps Vernon created Anton. that would have been in 2011, so i suppose it's not a stretch. i just wish he wasn't so clammed up, my sibling, i wish he was easier to speak to. someday. someday i'll drop your guards, my friend, and you can relax the way Kris has.
Owen... my kiddo. i'm so sorry that i missed your birthday out here. but i guess since you're almost never out here, it's not a huge deal, but i realized it late last night and felt so bad. it was on the eleventh, body-time, you're two whole years old now, hah. i wish you were easier to find. maybe it's a function of how we were raised, that my own headspace child and i aren't as close as perhaps we should be. but there are certainly no hard feelings. keep finding yourself out there as hard as you can and come back to me in the middle of a late-night thunderstorm, or maybe a summer night drive with heat lightning on the horizon, like you always used to do. i remember the day you woke up, right into the fold, surrounded by all of us. i want to tell you that your mother is back. somehow, against all the odds - or perhaps i shouldn't be so surprised, knowing her and what she means to her system - she is back. i have absolutely no idea how she'd feel about you now, if she'd even acknowledge you as her son, or... what. but it doesn't matter. you know damn well who your parents are. and your papa, at least, is beyond proud of you. i see glimpses of you wearing feathers and flowers in your hair. i know you are the witch's son incarnate. and i cannot wait to see you again and how you've grown.
and lastly for now, the Toy Soldier. heart of my heart. or perhaps it's the other way around, and i'm yours. that's what you keep saying. and you keep telling me you are light. the other day dawn was breaking through clouds as we drove home and you saw a ring of light haloed through clouds and you almost cried, because it felt so much like home. i think it must be an identity thing for you. i understand, love. we can all relate. he keeps being here, he keeps being so easy to find and so responsive. he's making silly remarks and giving me legitimately wise advice. i would have never believed all of this a year ago. and i know that there will be times in the future when this isn't the case, when i don't see him for weeks [as was the case a few months back] and can't manage to contact him for more than a few spare seconds at a time. i know. it doesn't invalidate any of the warmth and welcoming that you emanate whenever you're with me. nothing is more enjoyable than scanning the radio with you while driving. you love all music, and you always have. you can see into depths of me that even other headmates cannot. i don't know if i'll ever fully understand just what you are or how you got here or what you're made of. i only wish it was easier to record all our little wordless interactions. but i love you i love you beyond speaking.
i'm going to try and draw tonight, and i'll also post a couple of headspace-related entries from my private tumblr onto here for the sake of sharing. we love you all. <3 <3
edit - just to say that i did indeed post those formerly-private tumblr entries for you all, i'm unsure if they'll show up in the feed or if you have to go looking for them on my journal, but they are there for the reading now.
