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thebrokenarrowsliterally cannot stop listening to stronger than you. ripped a shitty version of it onto my ipod bc i'm too impatient for a high quality mp3. STOP BEING MY HEAD SU
been thinking about Core stuff. what if... i almost don't even want to say this because it sounds so conceited lmao, but i know that's just bad stuff talking - what if i'm... the final Core? i mean. i'm probably not. but i've never had that feeling before. i'll always be "incomplete", and that's a good thing, that's human nature to feel that way and it means i'm healthy if i think that. but. at the same time, idk. i can't quite explain what gives me that feeling. what if i'm the "me" that sticks around from now on? idk. i feel weird and awkward expressing that thought lol but i wanna put it out there for future reference.
gonna make my roommate watch SU with me ehhhehehe. THE DISEASE IT SPREADS. NERD OUT ABOUT GAY SPACE ROX WITH ME. gimme an excuse to re-watch the whole first season. :V idk i'm not HARD CORE SPONGING like i do when a full blown ~Phase~ has happened but it's sticking with me and on my mind a lot. and that's cool. i'm working v hard to not let me make myself feel ashamed about it. BECAUSE THAT IS DUMB. BE EXCITED ABOUT THINGS. ENTHUSIASM AND INTEREST IS ACCEPTABLE AND ENCOURAGED. WTF IS UR PROBLEM IT'S OK TO LIKE THINGS.
went and visited that graveyard in the shopping plaza again today. and drove past and there was a heap of black plastic trashbags over the graves. and i heard a tinny SCREAM from somewhere over my shoulder. and went oh hell. here we go. so we walked over there to check it out and see why the fuck someone tossed trash all over the Dead and it turned out to be the opposite. bags of leaves. and only placed at the foot of the graves, not on them - even people who aren't superstitious are wise and know how to behave deep down.
and there we are. find myself confronting my own thoughts again like last night. you refer to yourself as superstitious casually in a sentence just then. and yet you say you're not if asked? a million questions. i don't know where my thoughts are on that thing. except that i'm continuing to let myself go and let my soul do exactly what it wants, and turns out what it wants is to find Spirit and wisps everywhere and i have to accept that. and figure out what i think about it. my skeptic analytic side wants to put it in categories and boxes and taxonomy but guess what. it don't work that way does it. vines never grow in a straight line.
some unknown voices spoke to me last night. one was gentle, maternal, warm and watery. i wondered if it was Irelia, a face of her that i've never known. i've only ever seen her as a mighty orca in the thunderclouds, wreaking havoc or just shaking the sky open. the other one felt like teeth, felt sharp and painful but well-intentioned. the words were harsh but only truth. i don't know who that was.
so i guess i'm gonna try to tell her all about... what happened. about all the stuff from approximately 2003-2007. i tried for hours to think of how the fuck do you even tell that story haha. how do you talk about it. where do you start. i realized i've NEVER just... sat down and told anyone before. anyone who does know only got it piecemeal and no one really knows the whole story. do i even know the whole story? idk. but it's a hard one to tell because... it wasn't just an event that happened, or a bunch of events. it was a whole... idk. way of life. a million billion tiny little interactions and things and events that happened every single day, every hour for years, and wore down my identity and corroded my soul until i doubted everything about who i was and couldn't tell truth from lies anymore. idk. it's a can of worms i'm scared to open but also i want to. for a lot of reasons. i've always gladly opened up about it to anyone who really wanted to know, but on the other hand no one really... wanted to talk about it. which makes sense. what a buzzkill, talking about your abuse. even bb, he wants to know enough to understand and to work with so he knows how to deal with things that come up in the present, but he doesn't really like to sit down and hear the stories and absorb them. they're just ugly. but i'd like at least one person to know. to actually want to know the ugly things, actually want to know those events as they happened and see me in that light. and still find me acceptable. and if someone out there REALLY knows, i'd want it to be her.
been thinking about Core stuff. what if... i almost don't even want to say this because it sounds so conceited lmao, but i know that's just bad stuff talking - what if i'm... the final Core? i mean. i'm probably not. but i've never had that feeling before. i'll always be "incomplete", and that's a good thing, that's human nature to feel that way and it means i'm healthy if i think that. but. at the same time, idk. i can't quite explain what gives me that feeling. what if i'm the "me" that sticks around from now on? idk. i feel weird and awkward expressing that thought lol but i wanna put it out there for future reference.
gonna make my roommate watch SU with me ehhhehehe. THE DISEASE IT SPREADS. NERD OUT ABOUT GAY SPACE ROX WITH ME. gimme an excuse to re-watch the whole first season. :V idk i'm not HARD CORE SPONGING like i do when a full blown ~Phase~ has happened but it's sticking with me and on my mind a lot. and that's cool. i'm working v hard to not let me make myself feel ashamed about it. BECAUSE THAT IS DUMB. BE EXCITED ABOUT THINGS. ENTHUSIASM AND INTEREST IS ACCEPTABLE AND ENCOURAGED. WTF IS UR PROBLEM IT'S OK TO LIKE THINGS.
went and visited that graveyard in the shopping plaza again today. and drove past and there was a heap of black plastic trashbags over the graves. and i heard a tinny SCREAM from somewhere over my shoulder. and went oh hell. here we go. so we walked over there to check it out and see why the fuck someone tossed trash all over the Dead and it turned out to be the opposite. bags of leaves. and only placed at the foot of the graves, not on them - even people who aren't superstitious are wise and know how to behave deep down.
and there we are. find myself confronting my own thoughts again like last night. you refer to yourself as superstitious casually in a sentence just then. and yet you say you're not if asked? a million questions. i don't know where my thoughts are on that thing. except that i'm continuing to let myself go and let my soul do exactly what it wants, and turns out what it wants is to find Spirit and wisps everywhere and i have to accept that. and figure out what i think about it. my skeptic analytic side wants to put it in categories and boxes and taxonomy but guess what. it don't work that way does it. vines never grow in a straight line.
some unknown voices spoke to me last night. one was gentle, maternal, warm and watery. i wondered if it was Irelia, a face of her that i've never known. i've only ever seen her as a mighty orca in the thunderclouds, wreaking havoc or just shaking the sky open. the other one felt like teeth, felt sharp and painful but well-intentioned. the words were harsh but only truth. i don't know who that was.
so i guess i'm gonna try to tell her all about... what happened. about all the stuff from approximately 2003-2007. i tried for hours to think of how the fuck do you even tell that story haha. how do you talk about it. where do you start. i realized i've NEVER just... sat down and told anyone before. anyone who does know only got it piecemeal and no one really knows the whole story. do i even know the whole story? idk. but it's a hard one to tell because... it wasn't just an event that happened, or a bunch of events. it was a whole... idk. way of life. a million billion tiny little interactions and things and events that happened every single day, every hour for years, and wore down my identity and corroded my soul until i doubted everything about who i was and couldn't tell truth from lies anymore. idk. it's a can of worms i'm scared to open but also i want to. for a lot of reasons. i've always gladly opened up about it to anyone who really wanted to know, but on the other hand no one really... wanted to talk about it. which makes sense. what a buzzkill, talking about your abuse. even bb, he wants to know enough to understand and to work with so he knows how to deal with things that come up in the present, but he doesn't really like to sit down and hear the stories and absorb them. they're just ugly. but i'd like at least one person to know. to actually want to know the ugly things, actually want to know those events as they happened and see me in that light. and still find me acceptable. and if someone out there REALLY knows, i'd want it to be her.
