headspace thoughts and stuff
Jan. 23rd, 2017 01:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thebrokenarrowslast night was the first headspace night that we've had in some time. and it was very good. it rained and rained, and rain is one of our best triggers to all wake up together as a System and spend time with one another. so we did. and all blendy, Bird messaged us... what responded was a mixture of Carnelian, Kyo and, surprisingly, even the Toy Soldier. [who never used to even appear to anyone except Oliver, such changes haha]
and, oh, that poor girl, she says her System has left her and won't come back. i don't know what to make of that, but clearly she's heartbroken and it's been months now. we talked to her and it was quite emotional. kind of like old times.
it was just so good to stand wrapped up in the rain, our feet soaking wet and cold to numb [some of us aren't used to having bodies, oops], but the rest of our body wrapped in a warm fluffy dry blanket, surrounded on all sides by the sparkling wet darkness and the rain falling. there was even a flash of thunder or two, and that was the highlight of our night together. it was meditative, peaceful and pure, and that's really what we aim for a little bit every day, and so rarely succeed. but sometimes, we do succeed. and for that we are grateful.
so, thoughts we're having today:
woke up and broke the pattern by purposely thinking about Hiraeth before getting out of bed. nothing in particular sprang to mind, just... reminding myself. reminding ourselves.
because, the big thought today is that... i have continually thought of headspace as this beautiful place, but a place that I am almost always locked out of into this tiny room between Hiraeth and the body, usually alone. but the thing is, i'm not at all sure that's the reality. and that... well. the line between "me" and "us" is really so very, very blurry.
anyone reading this is also plural, so you probably understand the weirdness i feel here. the concept of blurring the line between being separate people, and all being one great being composed of many parts. we do not like the term "median", even if others may think it applies to us. it gives a feeling of being "less multiple" than "proper systems". no, fuck that, we are a System, and we have been a System for a dozen years. our experience of the world is real and valid and wholly our own.
now, that said. the imagery I'm - we're - getting today is that... I've always known the image of being "locked up front" was false, but wasn't sure how, or what to do about it. But today it felt almost like... one is all, all is one. what i see, they ALL see. as if we as a System were wrongly trying to impose this reality on ourselves, for some reason, when actually it's... not even true. it's not just me who interacts with the world, while the others are all holed up in Hiraeth without me most of the time. that is a false dichotomy. we ARE Hiraeth, and Hiraeth is always with me, with us. we are truly in this together, at every moment. and i mean all of this quite literally.
some of this is leftover from 2015 when, wrong-headedly, I tried very hard to make our System fit into the narrative of the House of Leaves system and how *they* worked. they were, in my opinion, much closer to the commonly thought of DID structure - lost time when others front, not aware of things others do or say up front. we don't experience this at all. all is truly one. so maybe we fall under the definition of what others call "median", but we really hate that idea. because hell, we are also certainly what they call a "gateway system", at the same time. and that's quite different an idea. hah. suffice it to say that headspace is weird and nobody can speak for the experience of any other people when it comes to plural stuff.
i hope that all of this didn't just come off as babbling word salad, and actually makes sense to read!
other things... we still don't really feel like living SUPER openly, just because... you have to explain so so much to every individual person you 'come out' to, and just, it's no fun having to explain everything all the time to people who just don't get it, even after you explain as best you can. it makes you feel like an exhibit on display, or a science specimen under examination. plus, it's frustrating to our autistic brain to lay it out exhaustively, but even when we take utmost care to explain it in the simplest terms possible, even then, they really aren't equipped to understand it. it's not that they don't get it, but that they can't, and it makes us feel really weird and alienated even though we're trying to do the opposite of that. it should be the opposite. but still has that effect. but i mean, it'd be the same trying to force someone's mind to grasp the concept of synaesthesia when their minds aren't shaped that way. and i think that's okay.
we've always been very private about such mental things, especially to people who don't get it. but they don't have to get it. there's no use stressing ourselves out trying to make people get it when they can't, even when they have the best of intentions and clearly want to understand and aren't judging me at all. it is enough for them to know and understand that i am not one but many, and to embrace that fact. they don't have to get completely neck-deep in the life of Hiraeth, get to know each member and who they are and why they are here. that is for us and us alone. and this is why we write, instead of trying to verbally explain it [most of us are poor with spoken words most of the time anyway]: so that after we die, we will live on in the minds of others, on our own terms, speaking our own truth firsthand.
and, oh, that poor girl, she says her System has left her and won't come back. i don't know what to make of that, but clearly she's heartbroken and it's been months now. we talked to her and it was quite emotional. kind of like old times.
it was just so good to stand wrapped up in the rain, our feet soaking wet and cold to numb [some of us aren't used to having bodies, oops], but the rest of our body wrapped in a warm fluffy dry blanket, surrounded on all sides by the sparkling wet darkness and the rain falling. there was even a flash of thunder or two, and that was the highlight of our night together. it was meditative, peaceful and pure, and that's really what we aim for a little bit every day, and so rarely succeed. but sometimes, we do succeed. and for that we are grateful.
so, thoughts we're having today:
woke up and broke the pattern by purposely thinking about Hiraeth before getting out of bed. nothing in particular sprang to mind, just... reminding myself. reminding ourselves.
because, the big thought today is that... i have continually thought of headspace as this beautiful place, but a place that I am almost always locked out of into this tiny room between Hiraeth and the body, usually alone. but the thing is, i'm not at all sure that's the reality. and that... well. the line between "me" and "us" is really so very, very blurry.
anyone reading this is also plural, so you probably understand the weirdness i feel here. the concept of blurring the line between being separate people, and all being one great being composed of many parts. we do not like the term "median", even if others may think it applies to us. it gives a feeling of being "less multiple" than "proper systems". no, fuck that, we are a System, and we have been a System for a dozen years. our experience of the world is real and valid and wholly our own.
now, that said. the imagery I'm - we're - getting today is that... I've always known the image of being "locked up front" was false, but wasn't sure how, or what to do about it. But today it felt almost like... one is all, all is one. what i see, they ALL see. as if we as a System were wrongly trying to impose this reality on ourselves, for some reason, when actually it's... not even true. it's not just me who interacts with the world, while the others are all holed up in Hiraeth without me most of the time. that is a false dichotomy. we ARE Hiraeth, and Hiraeth is always with me, with us. we are truly in this together, at every moment. and i mean all of this quite literally.
some of this is leftover from 2015 when, wrong-headedly, I tried very hard to make our System fit into the narrative of the House of Leaves system and how *they* worked. they were, in my opinion, much closer to the commonly thought of DID structure - lost time when others front, not aware of things others do or say up front. we don't experience this at all. all is truly one. so maybe we fall under the definition of what others call "median", but we really hate that idea. because hell, we are also certainly what they call a "gateway system", at the same time. and that's quite different an idea. hah. suffice it to say that headspace is weird and nobody can speak for the experience of any other people when it comes to plural stuff.
i hope that all of this didn't just come off as babbling word salad, and actually makes sense to read!
other things... we still don't really feel like living SUPER openly, just because... you have to explain so so much to every individual person you 'come out' to, and just, it's no fun having to explain everything all the time to people who just don't get it, even after you explain as best you can. it makes you feel like an exhibit on display, or a science specimen under examination. plus, it's frustrating to our autistic brain to lay it out exhaustively, but even when we take utmost care to explain it in the simplest terms possible, even then, they really aren't equipped to understand it. it's not that they don't get it, but that they can't, and it makes us feel really weird and alienated even though we're trying to do the opposite of that. it should be the opposite. but still has that effect. but i mean, it'd be the same trying to force someone's mind to grasp the concept of synaesthesia when their minds aren't shaped that way. and i think that's okay.
we've always been very private about such mental things, especially to people who don't get it. but they don't have to get it. there's no use stressing ourselves out trying to make people get it when they can't, even when they have the best of intentions and clearly want to understand and aren't judging me at all. it is enough for them to know and understand that i am not one but many, and to embrace that fact. they don't have to get completely neck-deep in the life of Hiraeth, get to know each member and who they are and why they are here. that is for us and us alone. and this is why we write, instead of trying to verbally explain it [most of us are poor with spoken words most of the time anyway]: so that after we die, we will live on in the minds of others, on our own terms, speaking our own truth firsthand.
