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thebrokenarrowsSo this week's lesson seems to be a lesson in privacy. Because I've always been so clammed up about my life to everyone because I was so sure they didn't want to hear it, that I was obnoxious, blah blah etc. Except lately that's been loosening up a whole lot. And my mouth has been opening. Sometimes in places it shouldn't, which has always been a serious issue for me, getting traumatized by simply saying the wrong thing to the wrong person. So, it's a lesson I'm re-learning in a more healthy way than I did in like middle and high school.
The other night at work I mentioned being poly and got burned by some people that I thought I knew really well and got along with well. Not to say we don't get along, but it just sharply reminded me that just because we get along means they GET me. At all. Because saying stuff like "that's just a fancy word for cheating" and "that's just multiple sex partners is what that is" without actually letting me speak and explain what poly really IS... no. No you don't understand and nor could you.
Then today I got up the nerve to send an ask to a cosplayer that I follow, who's known for an incredibly good Hiccup cosplay and who sometimes drops offhand comments like "they're so much more alive than you know" referring to fictional characters, or "spirit stuff" that always piqued my curiosity. Just rang This Guy Is Plural bells to me. So I sent him an ask about it, and he was friendly at first and started explaining a belief that he had about communicating spiritually with 'fictional characters' in other universes [including Hiccup, yeah] but as soon as i mentioned MY own plurality he got very walled off and said that this wasn't even remotely the same thing. Said stuff like "this isn't a game or something you make up, this is serious beyond belief and has been happening for a long time." Which... loool. Boy, how little you understand.
So again, I got burned by opening up about my headspace to the wrong person. [I even mentioned us having a Hiccup to him, which is something I have been VERY VERY touchy and self conscious about in the past, fictives.] And my anxiety tried so hard to grab that and make me feel like shit and horrifically embarassed - tiny little interactions like that with popular people have made me petrified of them for life before, long after I'm sure they have forgotten all about them. But, nope. Not letting that happen. It was pretty amusing that he thought HIS headstuff made perfect sense, communicating to other universes where fictional characters actually exist, but any hint of my own plurality and nope this is just a silly game you made up. Really now.
The lesson repeats: you know how to respect people's inner lives, but not everyone else does. In fact, most people don't. You now surround yourself with people who Know and Understand, for the first time ever, and you are not alone. You're slowly starting to feel less like a loner and more like one of the people. But don't mistake that for being normal. Don't expose your inner riches to people who would just use them for paving stones and have no concept of their value.
I wish it was. I wish I WAS normal. Not because ~it'd be super cool~ if everyone was plural [although I mean, it would lol], but because I'm so sick of hiding these huge important things about myself. Sick of hiding being poly, and being plural. Two huge parts of my life that give me boundless joy. I wish I could just talk about this casually to friends and strangers at bus stops. Wish I could just offhand name-drop 'my girlfriend' and not get interrogated about what happened to my boyfriend?? [Hint: nothing. Still great five years running.] Wish I didn't have to mention vague 'friends' when referring to headmates and not be able to talk about them much so that no one Outside tries to make arrangements to meet those people. Because simultaneously they can't, and yet they already have probably and don't even know it. Wish I could describe to someone the feeling of being friends with more than one person sharing the same body. More than that I wish people already understood that concept.
This is all the most natural stuff in the world to me and it frustrates me so much that people don't get it. How can you not? But moreso it's frustrating that people who don't get it can't LEAVE IT ALONE if they realize it's something they don't get.
I forget that in the real world, you don't just simply respect people with different life experiences than you and drop the subject. You have to apparently argue over whose opinion is right. I think the idea of communicating to movie protagonists through a channel only you have to an alternate universe where they actually exist is pretty ludicrous, myself. Far more ludicrous than the idea of someone's psyche habitually splitting itself off into various other people, some of whom imprint on fictional personas and effectively become those people themselves. But I am 100% willing to respect that if someone has that experience inside themselves. Because I don't CARE what you do inside yourself. That's all YOU. My opinions have no bearing on that and I can happily coexist with someone whose existence doesn't exactly make sense to me. In fact I do it ALL THE TIME. Do I understand how someone can live their life, during their life experience a whole lot of shit outside the realm of my personal beliefs about this world, then die, and then in the afterlife somehow end up inside someone else's head, years before they actually died? Nope. But I'm close friends with a person who has had this experience and I have no explanation for how it happened, BUT it's COMPLETELY VALID. I don't need an explanation, because there probably isn't one that would work for me, because everyone's inner experience is wildly different from the next person's. Simple as that. Seriously.
Why can't other people do this? It's the easiest thing in the world, I don't understand. Your inner life is YOURS and I acknowledge the purity of that fact. Why does the world at large have such an issue with this concept. Exactly the same thing as religion: whatever you believe about your own soul is YOUR business and has literally nothing to do with me no matter what my take on it is. Take care of your inner world however it feels right to do so. I don't care what you do in there, that's YOU. You do you. Period.
The other night at work I mentioned being poly and got burned by some people that I thought I knew really well and got along with well. Not to say we don't get along, but it just sharply reminded me that just because we get along means they GET me. At all. Because saying stuff like "that's just a fancy word for cheating" and "that's just multiple sex partners is what that is" without actually letting me speak and explain what poly really IS... no. No you don't understand and nor could you.
Then today I got up the nerve to send an ask to a cosplayer that I follow, who's known for an incredibly good Hiccup cosplay and who sometimes drops offhand comments like "they're so much more alive than you know" referring to fictional characters, or "spirit stuff" that always piqued my curiosity. Just rang This Guy Is Plural bells to me. So I sent him an ask about it, and he was friendly at first and started explaining a belief that he had about communicating spiritually with 'fictional characters' in other universes [including Hiccup, yeah] but as soon as i mentioned MY own plurality he got very walled off and said that this wasn't even remotely the same thing. Said stuff like "this isn't a game or something you make up, this is serious beyond belief and has been happening for a long time." Which... loool. Boy, how little you understand.
So again, I got burned by opening up about my headspace to the wrong person. [I even mentioned us having a Hiccup to him, which is something I have been VERY VERY touchy and self conscious about in the past, fictives.] And my anxiety tried so hard to grab that and make me feel like shit and horrifically embarassed - tiny little interactions like that with popular people have made me petrified of them for life before, long after I'm sure they have forgotten all about them. But, nope. Not letting that happen. It was pretty amusing that he thought HIS headstuff made perfect sense, communicating to other universes where fictional characters actually exist, but any hint of my own plurality and nope this is just a silly game you made up. Really now.
The lesson repeats: you know how to respect people's inner lives, but not everyone else does. In fact, most people don't. You now surround yourself with people who Know and Understand, for the first time ever, and you are not alone. You're slowly starting to feel less like a loner and more like one of the people. But don't mistake that for being normal. Don't expose your inner riches to people who would just use them for paving stones and have no concept of their value.
I wish it was. I wish I WAS normal. Not because ~it'd be super cool~ if everyone was plural [although I mean, it would lol], but because I'm so sick of hiding these huge important things about myself. Sick of hiding being poly, and being plural. Two huge parts of my life that give me boundless joy. I wish I could just talk about this casually to friends and strangers at bus stops. Wish I could just offhand name-drop 'my girlfriend' and not get interrogated about what happened to my boyfriend?? [Hint: nothing. Still great five years running.] Wish I didn't have to mention vague 'friends' when referring to headmates and not be able to talk about them much so that no one Outside tries to make arrangements to meet those people. Because simultaneously they can't, and yet they already have probably and don't even know it. Wish I could describe to someone the feeling of being friends with more than one person sharing the same body. More than that I wish people already understood that concept.
This is all the most natural stuff in the world to me and it frustrates me so much that people don't get it. How can you not? But moreso it's frustrating that people who don't get it can't LEAVE IT ALONE if they realize it's something they don't get.
I forget that in the real world, you don't just simply respect people with different life experiences than you and drop the subject. You have to apparently argue over whose opinion is right. I think the idea of communicating to movie protagonists through a channel only you have to an alternate universe where they actually exist is pretty ludicrous, myself. Far more ludicrous than the idea of someone's psyche habitually splitting itself off into various other people, some of whom imprint on fictional personas and effectively become those people themselves. But I am 100% willing to respect that if someone has that experience inside themselves. Because I don't CARE what you do inside yourself. That's all YOU. My opinions have no bearing on that and I can happily coexist with someone whose existence doesn't exactly make sense to me. In fact I do it ALL THE TIME. Do I understand how someone can live their life, during their life experience a whole lot of shit outside the realm of my personal beliefs about this world, then die, and then in the afterlife somehow end up inside someone else's head, years before they actually died? Nope. But I'm close friends with a person who has had this experience and I have no explanation for how it happened, BUT it's COMPLETELY VALID. I don't need an explanation, because there probably isn't one that would work for me, because everyone's inner experience is wildly different from the next person's. Simple as that. Seriously.
Why can't other people do this? It's the easiest thing in the world, I don't understand. Your inner life is YOURS and I acknowledge the purity of that fact. Why does the world at large have such an issue with this concept. Exactly the same thing as religion: whatever you believe about your own soul is YOUR business and has literally nothing to do with me no matter what my take on it is. Take care of your inner world however it feels right to do so. I don't care what you do in there, that's YOU. You do you. Period.
