and not only did i not get to talk much today but tomorrow and saturday will be almost entirely radio silence for a while. but this is how i know i'm screwed: all i could think was i don't care because she's happy. i know she's happy and she's with her people and that gives me life rn. she doesn't get enough bright happy days and if i could give her more of them i'd give up so many more days of being able to talk properly, u have no idea. i'd trade that happily.
so today i ran some errands, GOT MY TAX REFUND YOOO. my plans for it are basically fix my car and then stick what's left in savings for my Utah trip. so then i paid my insurance and changed my address, and the lady was nice enough to write me down some addresses for their closest offices to my house. which aren't that close but a damn sight closer than Monroe :v
speaking of Monroe... while wandering around an antique store yesterday bb found a very old zine published in the 60s about the local civil rights struggle there. and like. i grew up here and never heard about any of the shit that's detailed in this zine and i'm fairly outraged tbqh. so i paid 35 goddamn dollars for a small magazine/pamphlet thing with like 30 pages. [literally a hundred times more than it was worth when first published, the paper itself says 35 cents] it's in really good shape and i don't know if i'll ever see another source for this info, but it's really important to me. and yes i believe most if not all of what it says is more or less true, even though it's in a fairly tumblresque incendiary tone. i mean it is a civil rights zine from the 60s so it's gonna be incendiary. because i already knew that my hometown had an uncomfortably high percentage of Klan members back in the day. what i didn't know was that my fucking hometown of Monroe was essentially a mini-Ferguson back then. like. that courthouse saw bloodshed. the Klan would drive through the black ghetto part of town - which is where, decades later, I was born and grew up, by the way and you would never have known by the look of it it's all cornfields now - and shoot up houses, ESCORTED BY THE POLICE. who were also all Klan. a little black boy was arrested and charged with rape for BEING KISSED ON THE CHEEK by a white girl, and this led to international protests, people throwing rocks at US embassadors because of fucking Monroe. oh my god. this shit is absolutely wack and makes me so embarassed to be from Monroe. but at least my parents/family weren't from here so they weren't around at all when this was happening. still, christ.
bb was telling me about a story that's in the book that i haven't read yet, about how Monroe used to have a public municipal pool. and immediately i stopped him and went "I know exactly where that is" and today we went to do my insurance which was right by there. so we walked over there and looked at the filled in little field with the ancient lifeguard chair perched on top. and talked about how they protested and petitioned for black kids to be able to swim there one day a week, after two little black kids drowned trying to swim in Bearskin Creek, and how the city said NO, because they would have to drain all the water and refill it with clean water in order for the white people to be able to swim there again the next day. makes your white skin burn and your gut feel sick.
and ya know i grew up fairly separated from the local black culture and just in general, my parents weren't fond of them especially my dad, who told me once that he'd disown me if i married a black boy. [totally disregarded it tbh lol, i was good about that kinda thing] so i never had very many black friends and actually got in a lot of fights with the ~black crowd~ at schools growing up. which kinda stirred up some racial issues in my head for a while. but as i've gotten older it's been chipped away mostly although of course it will never be totally gone. sigh. but tbh i really think living surrounded by black folks and working surrounded by black and hispanic folks, so basically my entire life these days, really helps. i feel more sympathetic than ever, and i understand so much more about what it must be like although i'll never fully know. the shit that used to make me wonder if i might agree now enrages me. i am that person at work who is a fun killer and always stops the conversation when someone white uses the N word or calls people 'mexicans'. the one who people call oversensitive or politically correct. well i'm proud to be in that case.
SO ANYWAY... back to today. we picked up some worms for Ruth [who turned out to be making all that racket in his cage yesterday because he was shedding! aww! he left a fairly big hunk of skin behind that he missed and didn't eat. cute!] and cuttlebone for the budgies, and i got to see a guinea pig hump another guinea pig's face :| and that is how i saw my first guinea pig penis. alrighty then. also saw a RIDICULOUSLY TINY BABY LEOPARD GECKO... ;_;... it was SO SMALL. like did u just hatch today??? it was so white looking, no stripes or spots and a tiny skinny tail... BABY. i was worried about it.
we also went out to eat lunch at Showmars and it was gooood. so good. fishu. so i have now spent my money and not gonna eat out every day. nope. i'm better than that.
then we got HOME and watched THE NEW SU EPISODE WHICH I'M STILL YELLING ABOUT!!! because goddamn that was good. i love garnet-centric episodes. like HOW IS GARNET SO SEXY and not sexualized or objectified at all @o@ it's amazing. i love it i love her as a character. also i love that i'm just like "GODDAMN DAT BOOTY DEM STURDY LEGS DAT VOICE DEM LIPS" and yet i'm not actually... like attracted to her personally LOL!! like she is VERY attractive like DAMN!!! but, i don't, idk, ~wanna tap that~ i guess. idk. sexuality is so complicated :v
AND I LOVE the message of this episode. god. that you can say no as bluntly as you want or feel like you need to. and that sometimes letting people down easy can backfire! so don't feel pressured to be gentle if that's not what you want/need! if they won't take a hint then say NO!! GO AWAY!! yes. v good. so good. also i love that Garnet constantly squats or sits with her legs wide open and doesn't give a fuck. it's so weirdly hot but also just powerful. SHE POWERFUL. GODDESS.
AND. AAAAND LOL. remember when i heard about the plot of the show and i said "garnet ///IS/// A DATE" WELL THE SHOW BASICALLY SAID THOSE EXACT WORDS AND I'M LOLING. I love it. I love it so much i love her and i love what she is made of and it means so much to me and the garnet stone has become a symbol of unity for me now thank u show
YEAH now i have an hour left and i'm gonna find something to nibble on and watch SOME MORE GAY SPACE ROCKS FUQ YEH IT'S A GOOD DAY