thebrokenarrows | Entries tagged with headspace

late night thoughts

listening to rain and God Is An Astronaut simultaneously and it's real good

i slept for like 2 hours from 8-10 pm, and then mason invited me to bed, and i meant to go, but.... whoops i haven't gone yet and it's nearly 1 am lol. eh, when you work the graveyard shift your sleep schedule is eternally fucked

watched Pokemon the Movie 2000 on vhs today to abruptly break off some bad brain weather that was happening because of assholes setting off explosives in the parking lot [in broad daylight! i don't even get to look at the pretty colors, you just make awful loud noises and trigger me for no reason >:T]. but it was an IMMENSE help. like instant mood improvement. so good on me for that possibly crucial change in our mood for the day!

watching videos on tape just has this weird rightness to it. my heart is, as always, utterly ruled by nostalgia. Kris and Bird were completely shit talking me about it last night lmfao I SAW YOU. i saw you.

speaking of Kris.
i'm pushing him. he's always been the one to push me, to force me, violently if he had to back in the old days, but now i'm the one doing him that favor. i want him to open up again. i know how he is. and i know that after Poe, after for the first time in his life he let himself open up and get attached to someone outside our System.... and now he's effectively dead. gone. almost certainly not coming back. he was talking to Bird the other day about "you dreamed him once, can't you dream him again?" - and don't forget, Kris, you and Bird are friends now yourselves! so you certainly aren't friendless. i know it's not the same and i know you think she's just clinging to you because you remind her of Poe, and honestly, vice versa. but it's still so meaningful. and i love it. keep talking to her. even if you both like to talk shit about me. :p

so yeah. i'm talking to him about people outside our own System, some here in person, and some farther away. he has always been an extremely secretive person and locked away, but i know where his heart is, and i can always get through, pretty much to the exclusion of everyone else. just comes of being closer than skin since 2006, i suppose. we know each other like no one else. and i know damn well that he keeps a distance because when he loves, he loves HARD. VERY hard. he is a protector through and through, and many times i've seen him torn up beyond his ability to handle, because he can't protect someone he loves. so i think he tries to avoid loving people or caring about them, because for him, it's all or nothing. either he doesn't care about you, or he will lay down his life to protect you and if he can't do that he feels like a huge failure.

i also want to talk a lot about his whole.... sin thing??... repentance thing??? but i don't understand it enough to type it out right now. just, basically: Kris is dead, he remembers a life that ended badly with much guilt on his shoulders, and he's referenced a lot this idea he apparently has that him being here and his job as our protector is... atonement? somehow? for the sins he remembers committing. i won't go into detail about that here just yet. that's his confession to make. but it's ugly, and i suppose he feels like he's making up for it here. i think it's nonsense, and he is in a place of love, not punishment or atonement or whatever [i've asked him many times if he thought this was hell, which of course he has always said no, and yet...]. we adore him and we would be a fraction of who we are without him. but for god's sake, man, open up. i'm working on it. i'm good at opening people up. very slowly, very delicately. but that's what indigo energy is all about. [another topic for writing! aah!] it's the absolute sappiest, goopiest, most obnoxiously warm and fuzzy, lovey-dovey energy you could ever want. and i'm going to dunk you in it until you fucking open up to people. EVIL LAUGHTER.

but yeah Kris maintains that he is a Satanist, but honestly, he seems disturbingly christian to me sometimes???? [not that being christian is disturbing, no it's just, WEIRDLY out of character for him or so i thought, he is still full of surprises after eleven years] and i super want to figure that shit out?? i think he just likes the idea of Satanism, but he's no Tori. that girl is fuckin serious about it lol. he should take some lessons from her i suppose. [if you aren't aware, Satanism is not an evil religion, or even having much at all to do with the christian quasi-deity Satan, but about serving the self and focusing on the self in order to better the world around you, basically. i'll go into it later if anyone wants. woohoo, religion nerdery!]

i am ALSO going to laugh at you forever if you actually are some kind of christian because A: is ANYONE here christian? and B: it'd be one more similarity to Ronan and i don't know if the world could take it if you were any more like him. are you gonna start taking us all to mass kiddo? [you should see the absolute death glare i am currently receiving]

ha so there. i'm spilling your guts on livejournal. that's what you get for teasing me about "being in love". fuck u. and no i do not admit by typing this that you're right, stop asking me that. dickhead

[at this point we literally bicker like an old married couple. it's the worst LMAO. and it's EVEN WORSE when he and Kyo are in a room together, holy shit.]

so yeah. thoughts on Kris tonight. my dumb minty boy. i love you and don't ever forget it. he's giving me the finger. :>

so i've been reading over our old entries here and, gosh... beyond maybe september of last year i feel so alienated from who i used to be. a year ago i was so deeply depressed, so disconnected from headspace and so bitter. it's not that things are perfect now or anything, but, like... am i crazy or have i mellowed out hugely in the last year? [possibly just crazy, because make no mistake i am still an INTENSELY anxious human being lol]

since last September when all of our friend systems left, vanished, dispersed -the Wrong Band blocked us because of a falling out with a mutual friend, the House of Leaves were disrupted by trauma and only three of them ever came back, and the Lotus Cathedral disappeared for about eight months, which we figured would be permanent, but joy beyond words, it was not - something i think sort of kicked into high gear inside Hiraeth. we have been more in touch with each other since then. there are still dead zones, there will always be dead zones, and depressive episodes where we can't feel one another. but they pass, they always do. and in the last few months, this year especially we have been growing at a fast pace and coming into ourselves, somehow. so much has changed and i have changed. i like me a lot more than i did a year ago.

running down the list briefly.

kyo has become everyone's space mom. she has this beautiful languid warmth to her. this feeling of the girl who's been with us since the very start [2004!] coming into her own and growing at last into a woman. as such. an androgynous, genderless femme being in love with the universe and the ocean and Hiraeth and humanity. she works especially with myself and Carnelian as the main archiving team. she is the go-to person for loads of infodumps and theories about how our headspace works. i love her. i love her. she is a part of my heart and the foundation on which our headspace was built and how many times has it changed in these thirteen years hence. we owe her so much.

kris.... i can't believe how much he has softened. how powerful and visual my awareness of him is in headspace. and i really can't believe how much his walls have fallen, his guard has dropped. he is and forever will be our protector, one of only a very few trauma-born members in a System that was already here experiencing the trauma together as a family when it happened. but he was born with a singular purpose and he follows that purpose with a fiery passion, even now when we no longer have to deal with the abuse he was born to fight. our Kris, Kristanova, he's sometimes human now. i mean, he's always been human, but he wore that dog-shape as a threat display, i think. nothing makes my heart melt more than squeezing him in my arms and feeling that angry mint guise melt away to reveal vulnerable human flesh beneath, just for me. and he has always had this bone-deep insecurity. in 2010 when he mysteriously left [to this day still the only person to LEAVE headspace and then come back, rather than demanifesting, actually walking out, we still can't explain it] and came back changed, with the mohawk and heavy eye makeup he still wears to this day, and the smoking habit... we suppose that's when the life he now remembers having happened. somehow. and with those heavy memories, those sins [his words, not mine] on his conscience, he seeks, i guess, to redeem himself by protecting us. but he is already perfect in my eyes. he is like a brother and a star-mate to me. headspace is weird, you are family but you are lovers but you are your own selves.

ruby, i wish i saw you more often. i promise i will work on paying you a visit. i think in addition to Orange House you should open up your psychology practice again somewhere! maybe in the city. or hell you could just operate out of Orange House, pfft. i am sure Vernon wouldn't mind.

speaking of Vernon... i still can't quite get my head around what's happening with him and Anton. are they the same person? have they merged? Vernon is my little brother, a previous core, withdrawn and angry and sullenly silent... Anton remembers Ireland and raging against his catholic upbringing, burning churches, fire and venom. i don't know what the relationship is between those two but they resonate the EXACT same color. which means sameness. somehow, in some way. perhaps Vernon created Anton. that would have been in 2011, so i suppose it's not a stretch. i just wish he wasn't so clammed up, my sibling, i wish he was easier to speak to. someday. someday i'll drop your guards, my friend, and you can relax the way Kris has.

Owen... my kiddo. i'm so sorry that i missed your birthday out here. but i guess since you're almost never out here, it's not a huge deal, but i realized it late last night and felt so bad. it was on the eleventh, body-time, you're two whole years old now, hah. i wish you were easier to find. maybe it's a function of how we were raised, that my own headspace child and i aren't as close as perhaps we should be. but there are certainly no hard feelings. keep finding yourself out there as hard as you can and come back to me in the middle of a late-night thunderstorm, or maybe a summer night drive with heat lightning on the horizon, like you always used to do. i remember the day you woke up, right into the fold, surrounded by all of us. i want to tell you that your mother is back. somehow, against all the odds - or perhaps i shouldn't be so surprised, knowing her and what she means to her system - she is back. i have absolutely no idea how she'd feel about you now, if she'd even acknowledge you as her son, or... what. but it doesn't matter. you know damn well who your parents are. and your papa, at least, is beyond proud of you. i see glimpses of you wearing feathers and flowers in your hair. i know you are the witch's son incarnate. and i cannot wait to see you again and how you've grown.

and lastly for now, the Toy Soldier. heart of my heart. or perhaps it's the other way around, and i'm yours. that's what you keep saying. and you keep telling me you are light. the other day dawn was breaking through clouds as we drove home and you saw a ring of light haloed through clouds and you almost cried, because it felt so much like home. i think it must be an identity thing for you. i understand, love. we can all relate. he keeps being here, he keeps being so easy to find and so responsive. he's making silly remarks and giving me legitimately wise advice. i would have never believed all of this a year ago. and i know that there will be times in the future when this isn't the case, when i don't see him for weeks [as was the case a few months back] and can't manage to contact him for more than a few spare seconds at a time. i know. it doesn't invalidate any of the warmth and welcoming that you emanate whenever you're with me. nothing is more enjoyable than scanning the radio with you while driving. you love all music, and you always have. you can see into depths of me that even other headmates cannot. i don't know if i'll ever fully understand just what you are or how you got here or what you're made of. i only wish it was easier to record all our little wordless interactions. but i love you i love you beyond speaking.

i'm going to try and draw tonight, and i'll also post a couple of headspace-related entries from my private tumblr onto here for the sake of sharing. we love you all. <3 <3

edit - just to say that i did indeed post those formerly-private tumblr entries for you all, i'm unsure if they'll show up in the feed or if you have to go looking for them on my journal, but they are there for the reading now.

i've been thinking about using this place again. to talk about headspace stuff. i miss talking about it where someone can read and is interested.

the other night was a special one for the Toy Soldier [should talk more about him and what i suspect are his deepest origins, tbh] and when i asked him what did he think, words failed him. he's still not good with them. so i changed it up, and i said, "how do you feel?"

he just said, "warm."

it said it all really
<3

i’d miss these nights if i had mornings back.

sat out in the rain, my trusty old TARDIS coffee mug that i only use when there are no clean mugs left pressed to my lips. listened to the rain falling in the blackness. asked of the darkness,

“trolley?”

she was a presence, nothing more. a feeling of green and growing, feathery plant matter and loamy earth. for a moment, it bothered me that i couldn’t really see her, only feel and hear her voice, so it seemed that she wriggled herself into a shape: a borzoi, her sacred beast, so white that she seemed to glow. and so she ghosted, a rare pastime for her, trotting around and seemingly enjoying herself. leaping up onto the porch railing, staring up into the blackness of the sky, where she seemed to speak soundlessly and gesture upwards. in that gesture i felt the presence of another goddess, the enormous orca matron of storms who i named Irelia, swimming with her thousand daughters through the current of rainclouds gathered above us.

we spoke of many things, me huddled in the center of the porch and she like one of her own statues, perched nimbly on the rail, graceful as a cat.

“what’s happened to the Toy Soldier, Trolley? i haven’t seen him in weeks.”

my love, how hard have you tried to seek him out?

“… not hard,” i admitted. “either he comes, or he doesn’t come, and i feel like a fake.”

you are afraid of failure.

“yeah, i guess i am. aren’t we all?”

she scratched at imaginary itches. it is something you must overcome.

“Trolley, what.. what is the question i want to ask, even.”

in response she made a play bow at my feet, mock-charged and licked at my face with her tongue. only you may know that, she said, with a hint of impish sarcasm.

“maybe the question is…. what is this feeling i have? this wrong feeling? is it just artistic frustration? i haven’t drawn properly in many days.”

her playful frisking stilled and she gazed at me with eyes that seemed at once ancient and brand new. you must make art. you are the Scion of Hiraeth. with that title comes a heavy burden. it is your purpose, to tell our stories.

“…like To Bluer Water?”

exactly like that. for that World to develop, you must take part in its development.

“why doesn’t Kyo know more than me about her own World? she’s the one who’s always helping me out with all this headspace theory stuff.”

my darling, she is the center of her own story in that World. not the World itself. she can only tell you that story. you must help as the Scion to bring it into being.

“i don’t like the idea of all this being something that i just… created,” i said, looking down into my coffee, as tiny droplets of rain plopped into it.

the long face turned to look directly into mine. she hopped down from the railing and padded close to me. but, darling, that is precisely what it is, she said into my ear, dog whiskers tickling the side of my face. you must embrace the unity of it all. they are you, you are they. that is the natural state of things.

we spoke of art, of ideas for depictions of her as she was now, the gleaming white borzoi, all long limbs and roman nose, but also those ephemeral coils of vines and ferns that wound around her body only sometimes, or maybe could only sometimes be seen. she playfully posed for an imaginary photo, sometimes the graceful desert dog mid-bound with a halo of green, sometimes a monstrous thing with twisted elongated fangs bursting from her mouth along with thorny tangles. roses, teeth, beast, they are all one to her.

“Trolley…” i started finally, the day’s anxiety about silly things weighing heavily on me. “what happens if i die before i finish telling all these stories?”

then, my love, she said softly, sadly, winding her gleaming body around me, tail whisking slowly in my face, then, the story will end.

it hurt, but i knew it was the simplest truth she could possibly give.

so tonight might very well be my last night as solely a traditional artist. i haven’t had a tablet since 2011-ish and barely used it since 2007, when i got it, a decade ago. it was tiny and crappy and fell apart not long after i got it. this one is a monoprice brand, people have been raving about how good it is especially for the price for years. [some even say it’s better than a $200 wacom tablet…] it’s 8x10 inches i think??? pretty big so… yes i’m excited. so very excited. i cannot wait to wake up tomorrow and receive my beautiful new tablet, oh gosh i hope it works properly with my computer… i’m going to draw everyone and COLOR them!!! colors are so, so infinitely easier with digital, i can really draw you all the way you were meant to be seen, or as close as i can possibly get downstairs….

i love you all so much and i feel really good about myself for taking these steps to be able to perform my duty as Scion of the Broken Arrows. i understand a bit more about what my Scion title means now after my conversation with Trolley last night. create, create, create. you must create or die and take us all with you. i understand, great green mother.

i am going to go write some more system talk topics and close this up now. just to say that i’m proud of me and also SUPER excited to start my digital art again!!

last night was the first headspace night that we've had in some time. and it was very good. it rained and rained, and rain is one of our best triggers to all wake up together as a System and spend time with one another. so we did. and all blendy, Bird messaged us... what responded was a mixture of Carnelian, Kyo and, surprisingly, even the Toy Soldier. [who never used to even appear to anyone except Oliver, such changes haha]

and, oh, that poor girl, she says her System has left her and won't come back. i don't know what to make of that, but clearly she's heartbroken and it's been months now. we talked to her and it was quite emotional. kind of like old times.

it was just so good to stand wrapped up in the rain, our feet soaking wet and cold to numb [some of us aren't used to having bodies, oops], but the rest of our body wrapped in a warm fluffy dry blanket, surrounded on all sides by the sparkling wet darkness and the rain falling. there was even a flash of thunder or two, and that was the highlight of our night together. it was meditative, peaceful and pure, and that's really what we aim for a little bit every day, and so rarely succeed. but sometimes, we do succeed. and for that we are grateful.

so, thoughts we're having today:

woke up and broke the pattern by purposely thinking about Hiraeth before getting out of bed. nothing in particular sprang to mind, just... reminding myself. reminding ourselves.

because, the big thought today is that... i have continually thought of headspace as this beautiful place, but a place that I am almost always locked out of into this tiny room between Hiraeth and the body, usually alone. but the thing is, i'm not at all sure that's the reality. and that... well. the line between "me" and "us" is really so very, very blurry.

anyone reading this is also plural, so you probably understand the weirdness i feel here. the concept of blurring the line between being separate people, and all being one great being composed of many parts. we do not like the term "median", even if others may think it applies to us. it gives a feeling of being "less multiple" than "proper systems". no, fuck that, we are a System, and we have been a System for a dozen years. our experience of the world is real and valid and wholly our own.

now, that said. the imagery I'm - we're - getting today is that... I've always known the image of being "locked up front" was false, but wasn't sure how, or what to do about it. But today it felt almost like... one is all, all is one. what i see, they ALL see. as if we as a System were wrongly trying to impose this reality on ourselves, for some reason, when actually it's... not even true. it's not just me who interacts with the world, while the others are all holed up in Hiraeth without me most of the time. that is a false dichotomy. we ARE Hiraeth, and Hiraeth is always with me, with us. we are truly in this together, at every moment. and i mean all of this quite literally.

some of this is leftover from 2015 when, wrong-headedly, I tried very hard to make our System fit into the narrative of the House of Leaves system and how *they* worked. they were, in my opinion, much closer to the commonly thought of DID structure - lost time when others front, not aware of things others do or say up front. we don't experience this at all. all is truly one. so maybe we fall under the definition of what others call "median", but we really hate that idea. because hell, we are also certainly what they call a "gateway system", at the same time. and that's quite different an idea. hah. suffice it to say that headspace is weird and nobody can speak for the experience of any other people when it comes to plural stuff.

i hope that all of this didn't just come off as babbling word salad, and actually makes sense to read!

other things... we still don't really feel like living SUPER openly, just because... you have to explain so so much to every individual person you 'come out' to, and just, it's no fun having to explain everything all the time to people who just don't get it, even after you explain as best you can. it makes you feel like an exhibit on display, or a science specimen under examination. plus, it's frustrating to our autistic brain to lay it out exhaustively, but even when we take utmost care to explain it in the simplest terms possible, even then, they really aren't equipped to understand it. it's not that they don't get it, but that they can't, and it makes us feel really weird and alienated even though we're trying to do the opposite of that. it should be the opposite. but still has that effect. but i mean, it'd be the same trying to force someone's mind to grasp the concept of synaesthesia when their minds aren't shaped that way. and i think that's okay.
we've always been very private about such mental things, especially to people who don't get it. but they don't have to get it. there's no use stressing ourselves out trying to make people get it when they can't, even when they have the best of intentions and clearly want to understand and aren't judging me at all. it is enough for them to know and understand that i am not one but many, and to embrace that fact. they don't have to get completely neck-deep in the life of Hiraeth, get to know each member and who they are and why they are here. that is for us and us alone. and this is why we write, instead of trying to verbally explain it [most of us are poor with spoken words most of the time anyway]: so that after we die, we will live on in the minds of others, on our own terms, speaking our own truth firsthand.

For whatever reason, my autocorrect doesnt work on text fields on this app. Title field, but not text field. Idk y'all

But just know today tried very hard to suck, but we still made it a good day. We made BLTs and PBJs and we took advantage of this beautiful weather with a picnic in the park. We watched the new Steven Universe and got excited about the show all over again, remembering just how great and important it is. We made art. We kept up good spirits, by choice, and determination. But the weather definitely helped too. We all agree on that. Life just feels full of promise when it's a balmy 75 degrees, even if it is in the middle of January.

Mason's car went tits up, we need over a thousand dollars for the fix, and it's basically a very bad time to need that kind of money for various reasons. We were already hurting financially before this happened... so idk what we'll do now. I'm going to open up for commissions, to hopefully scrape together a few bucks since hours are so very slow this time of year. One of the reasons this event caught us at a bad time.

But.

All day, when we could've and tbh usually would have despaired and said fuck the world... instead, we kept our heads up. We didnt give up. I'm so fucking proud of us. Here's to the Broken Arrows forever and ever.

so yesterday we went through hell to do it, but we still did it: band practice. it was confusing and nerve wracking and good, so good. and like, i can definitely feel that it kickstarted some deep headspace feelings. because of course it does, music always does and always will and that's how it should be.

that night felt the Toy Soldier again, thank god, it's been a while, i miss that week or so when he was around regularly. i forget what was said, i was falling asleep, but there was so much of his face so close to mine, those pale shadowed eyes boring into my heart. something about making things real again. something. it was like a dream in that way that it feels so real and then later you can't remember.

been thinking about dreams a lot lately, in general. i used to write down every single dream i had. like right away. it's harder when the computer isn't literally right beside your bed anymore, but i still should do that. as much as i possibly can. especially when i nap, because i dream PROFUSELY during naps, and less so during proper sleep.

been struggling to meditate/tap into headspace the last while... today especially my mind has felt like a confused tangle for no apparent reason. you just get those days sometimes. the more you try to mess with it the more stressed and frustrated you get, and you don't solve anything. so what do you do instead? play No Man's Sky and then Klonoa for hours. yes good. [i'm further in klonoa than i've ever gotten and i don't know exactly how far i am now? but i'm legit terrified of reaching the end LOL... that said, i am much better at figuring out certain puzzles than i was in middle school bc those used to make me spit and scream with frustration]

i don't know if i've talked about it much?? but August was a month of incredible [for us] social communication. i talked to so many new people, or people that i hadn't talked to enough beforehand. like five or six, some of which being multiples??? holy shit that's a lot

only online, but hell, that isn't meaningless at all. and it's a lot easier than in person. even though some of these people, i want DESPERATELY to hang out in person, but i would have to figure out some way that isn't scary and dissociative for both of us... i am thinking of the Lightrayes in particular here. both of us have issues being social and truly ourselves hah. maybe after a long time of talking and trust developing across entire systems, maybe. maybe. but let me tell you, meeting another System in person, especially one that you already know, is *incredible*. electrifying. exciting and fascinating beyond measure. godddd i want to do it again lol

it's a tricky thing to befriend a whole System. there are always corners of it that want nothing to do with you, that think you are probably a threat and out to get them. i know that. from the beginning, i know that. and there is no sin in that, either. it's pretty normal. i think multiples are just more honest about their shadow-selves than singlets can be.

but think about it though. late night talks of System stuff, but in person. in quiet voices, in a dark room with warm soft lights, or something. over tea maybe. yes yes.

back to headspace... i really, really miss some of my boys. Kris and Owen ring a bell as two who used to be around a lot more than they are these days. it's just how it goes, but god i miss them. their anchors aren't strong these days. but Kris at least, will never leave. this month actually makes his ten year anniversary. hot damn. i wonder if he'll come up and i can offer him a cigarette?
we keep a pack of cigarettes on hand for extremely special occasions, usually as rare treats for Kris. we don't smoke in general. but on things like holidays, a couple of times a year we might visit a hookah bar, and even more rarely Kris gets a cigarette. because in headspace he has an incredibly bad smoking habit lolll. so eeeevery once in a blue moon he gets to indulge outside. very rarely. it's been a measure of learning to trust himself that he knows they're in the house and never smokes them.
we also had a system-wide fear of nicotine addiction since childhood, and keeping them around, as well as smoking our first one ever and not getting hooked, has kinda helped us get over that fear. a lot. which needed to happen

sometimes i question why is me, Oliver, who gets to stay out front almost all of the time? why is it 'oliver and company' that's the joke lol? because i'm so shy, awkward, introverted. so unsure of myself. sooo exhausted by social existence. sometimes all i want is to go inside like the rest of them do and forget this physical life.
but i know. it's wordless, but i feel a deep sense of purpose, my Purpose in the context of headspace, if i listen hard enough. all those years of church doctrine told me about that "still small voice", but nothing ever taught me what that felt like before headspace. now i know exactly what that sounds like. it doesn't tell me to feel guilty about stupid things, though. it tells me that i am a pollinator. a creator. i know. i am the wheel of the great ship Broken Arrow.

i am its heart.

some dream-like recollection of last night, the Toy Soldier holding my own heart, or core?, or something out before me, some part of myself that was shimmering blue and pink and like glitter and water in a glass sphere. heartbreakingly perfect in its beauty. magical and brilliant with its own light. and he held it and spoke to me of purity. and i asked him if all of us were like this, if everyone in Hiraeth had a core? if i did? but there the dream becomes disrupted and i can't recall...

I'm at work and i cant answer it but i hear the call.

I am with you. I have never left you. I was always with you. I will always be with you.

i hear you, beloved.

Laid down and A Thing happened in headspace. Tried to write it on twitter but my phone rebooted at the first word... Too long anyway. Half asleep typing this and it doesnt autocorrect so forgive haphazard typing.

Troubled by the distance from headspace for a while... Since the breakup really. Between that emotional turmoil and the move, a disconnect has happened. It occurs sometimes but i still hate it. Anyway. Thinking of this, i find myself Inside. In Hiraeth.

In a pure white shaft, like a chapel offroom. The pure churchlike natural lit atmosphere rings of the Order immediately. Find that im in dragon form. Curl on floor, wait for someone to appear. No one does. Instead after a few moments i feel pulled to fly straight up, to the ceiling. So i open my black wings and go. I fly straight upward, and in midair i realize im carrying something in my forelegs, a bundle in shining white fabric. I make peace with the fact that i cant make out what it is yet.
I clip straight through the ceiling and find myself outside in a pure, achingly huge blue sky. I land on the now solid roof. [Video game physics logic in headspace... Lol]
I look around. Nothing. No ground even. Just me and this pure white spire. Slowly start to feel vines twist around my neck, limbs, horns. Even twist right around my snout and jaws as if to muzzle me, but slip off right away, playful. 30ish seconds after the vines wind around a given area, they vanish from that spot, but continue presently to snake through my feathers and curl between my scales and around my horns and belly plates and griff.
I realize i am still holding the bundle. Still cannot gauge what it is, but its slightly heavy, soft and the way its weighted makes me suspect, possibly something alive?
I know Trolley is here, but she makes no appearance other than the vines. We talk about distance, and about the changes. I voice queries reflecting my fears. Fear that headspace has somehow changed drastically because of how differently i live now. She puts my fears to rest.
Its at this point i realize i am now lying on a white cloud, no longer on a spire. And Nentor, Trolley's avatar, is curled around my side. His grinning skull face looks into my horned one as Trolley's gentle voice emanates from the still, bony jaws. As she speaks of Hiraeth and its nature and my relationship to it, Nentor opens his jaws and places them around the top of my neck, just behind the horns and mane, as if he were going to kill me. He closes his jaws in a mock killing bite, which just phases through me harmlessly. It feels quite cold inside my neck. He whips around and circles me, and i see that the leafy foliage that usually covers his blackened bones is currently one giant, mustelid shaped bloom of pink sakura blossoms.
Trolley directs my attention to the bundle in my arms. It feels more and more like a living body. I put it down, still wrapped in gleaming white cloth. She directs me to open it. When i do, the shape inside takes a while to assert itself, but eventually my eyes see that it is a Sylveon. Inert, limp and neutral, as if unconscious or asleep.
I find myself confused. Until trolley speaks. I have never given you a form before, she says. But youve felt so drawn to this one, havent you?
Of course i have.
Im going to give this one to you. Later on, youll figure out why you need this. Just as you figured it out when i told you youd learn the name of Hiraeth whem you flew out west. And so you did, in time.
Already, my eyes feel blue instead of orange. I feel slightly bewildered, but not overly frightened.
She asks me if i am ready, then all at once to suck my soul into the Sylveon body...

And here i am now.

All that I have is the river
The river is always my home
Lord, take me away
For I just cannot stay
Or I'll sink in my skin and my bones

The water sustains me without even trying
The water can't drown me, I'm done
with my dying

Please help me build a small boat
One that'll ride on the flow
Where the river runs deep
and the larger fish creep
I'm glad if wood keeps me afloat

The water sustains me without even trying
The water can't drown me, I'm done
with my dying

Now deeper the water I sail
and faster the current I'm in
But each night brings the stars
and the song in my heart
is a tune for the journeyman's tale

The water sustains me without even trying
The water can't drown me, I'm done
with my dying

Now the land that I knew is a dream
And the line in the distance grows faint
So wide is my river,
the horizon a sliver
The artist has run out of paint

Where the blue of the sea meets the sky
And the big yellow sun leads me home
I'm everywhere now,
the way is a vow
to the wind of each breath by and by

The water sustains me without even trying
The water can't drown me, I'm done
with my dying

Current Music: johnny flynn - the water

YAY WORK SHIT i don't rly feel like going into detail about it except that
- it accidentally took eight fucking hours because of checkbox-style test questions utterly trumping me, fuck standardized test style questions
- i got to hang out w Madison and she gave me a cookie and i got to hold that super cute rat again
- it made Thirteen remember how much she misses our old rat and how great they feel around yr neck and in yr shirt and THEIR TAILS
- STRESS but then the testing was DONE all in one day!! and so i got my shirt and i'm on the schedule?!? i got four work days coming up this week. first one is on sunday. ALL DAY YAH. i'm gonna be dead.

anyway, what i rly am making this post for is system stuff. kyo always pops up when we end up doing headspace-related reading. because her Favorite Thing is organizing and analyzing and documenting rigorously.

I GOT DISTRACTED BUT ANYWAY FUCK. system stuff. feat. Kyo.

- y'know what? we always avoided looking into these different system types because somehow they made us feel threatened with being "less multiple" BUT... UH...
- looked it up on a whim and actually, the Broken Arrow system 100% 1000000% COMPLETELY fits into the standard definition of a gateway system. with the possible exception of the World Within being an "alternate dimension," "another planet" etc etc out on the physical plane somewhere.
- We have no concept of the body somehow being the only connection to Earth by this weird, huge place out in space somewhere. The World Within exists within the World Without. Via the body. The body contains it, as far as we know, but in that, it extends inward forever. It might as well be another dimension that only we can access. As far as we are concerned, there is no discernable difference.

kyo DESPERATELY wants a website of our own to base things on besides onenote. we'll see what we can do for free while still remaining completely anonymous and separate from our everyday life. we do want to make such things known so to help others who are wondering about their own systems, and just to read our story. but we don't want to endanger or make unneeded problems for ourselves.

WE DIDNT update this for a couple hours so i guess this is all for now :V sorry TIRED.

various headspace related things! and... soda flavors for some reason?? lol

- Ruby FINALLY gave me her fucking middle name. it's Meadow. Ruby Meadow [which if you ask me sounds like a poppy reference but lol she swears it's not]. i still don't know her surname but the way she acts makes me suspect it's either catholic or jewish in nature. i can't figure out which side of things she is on! but definitely one of those. the typical New Englander 'my religion is more of a culture than a faith' style catholic/jew.

- Vernon was fronting around the time we drank soooo much soda and were really super addicted. he liked that gamer fuel shit, the blue mountain dew that i think is still around?? and would drink three or four cans a day. [while looking this up just now i discovered that there is a mother fucking mountain dew wiki. holy shit. there truly is a wiki for everything] i'm gonna want to trigger him up sometime and start trying to talk to him. i dunno when. but! when i do, that's probably the way to do it. super sweet disgusting mountain dew lol. code red or the game fuel or whatever. he'd totally be that typical gamer douchebag who eats doritos and plays call of duty and halo and crap online lol. [for the record i fucking HATE doritos so yeah it'd have to be him and not me]

also, as far as WHICH flavor of that shit he drank, it was the first 'game fuel' promo flavor. it came in a Halo 3 can that was kind of blue but the drink itself inside was bright red-orange. i believe this flavor is still in production and it's called citrus cherry. so. for later reference. and we remember those two world of warcraft flavors from the following year too. [we drank a lot of mountain dew in those years ok lol. A LOT.]
he also remembers these three flavors in particular, from summer of 2008.

random weird headmate triggers to note lol

if we WERE going to buy that game fuel stuff tho just so ya know, it's only available online. so. can't find it in stores, no use looking.

actually tbh we in general but ESPECIALLY Vernon looooves soda with citrus flavoring in it. that's always been our preferred soda flavor as a System and it's been proven over and over lol. we flock to drinks like sprite, mello yello, 7 up, sun drop etc. and regular mountain dew of course although that's basically just Sugar Lime Flavor by now lol.
but back in the day there was Vault which is our FAVORITE soda of all time and our bones will never rest in the ground unless that drink makes a comeback someday lol. orange kickstart mt dew [aka Trash Drink thx house of leaves :P] kind of tastes similar! but like, a weird diet version with some of that aspartame fake sugar tasting flavor in it instead. so like diet vault. but it's close enough that we will readily drink that one.

other mountain dew flavors that various Cores lay claim to actually! Apostrophe loves code red lol. such nerds. do u really have ur own mountain dew flavors of choice like rly. she said it was the first alternate flavor she saw and it made her think of a shiny pokemon so she drank it. she likes cherry flavors in general. anything red. upon research code red came out in 2001, so yep that sounds just about right for her timeline.

as a last note: i have no memory of having had this as a kid so i find it hard to justify spending $50 on it, but goddamnit, someone split the cost of some surge with me!!! I gotta know how it tastes :C

infrequent updates woo! here's the last few days which have been kinda important and full of things

currently: my god i want some damn rain. it's been raining a lot but i just want some rn. but instead it's 35 goddamn degrees why.

thursday night had a REALLY GOOD conversation with Yves. like goddamn. even though it got real heavy at some times, i really enjoyed that and it ended on such a good note. and the next morning she was still there and seemed pretty chill and happy and like wow. my heart grows three sizes. i love leaving a good vibe on other people so much. the HoL apparently had this awesome peace going on the whole day friday, which was nice cuz i needed it. becaaause.....

on friday had a really big falling out with my roommates [well more like one of them] and i don't wanna talk about it honestly but it was the biggest and most god awful panic attack i've had in at least five years. it wrecked my shit. and we still haven't really talked it out ugh lol. i'm dreading it. but it feels much better honestly than it did. and I KNOW that i was super hormonal and that's why it was SO Bad and i feel awful at the various House of Leaves members who had to witness me freaking out so fucking bad lol. i could not be talked sense into that day and i hate it but it's over now so whateva. it all just happened to catch me on the one worst possible day of the entire month for it tbh.
once i could move and stand up again from that mind-destroyingly profound panic attack [in which Murphy approached me and tried to comfort me because i think he thought i was dying lol], i drove to the park. heard the last few cicadas left singing sleepily in the trees. watched grey squirrels fighting. felt so fucking bone tired and exhausted. walked around aimlessly for a while. found a pond and sat and talked and then Owen sat by me [first time that whole day anyone from the system could get up with me, and i think the only time just about] and we talked about it. felt better, then worse again lol. then had to drive back but was shit scared of going home so just sat in subway and charged my phone and migrained a lot. lol. until i went home.

yesterday was interesting. rode up to the smelly cat to do job apps and then stuck around to do this ~GHOSTS AND LEGENDS~ tour of the noda area that was happening apparently. and LOL for a while i thought it was meeting at an area that it totally wasn't soooo i sat for half an hour increasingly annoyed in front of the cajun restaurant. which was listed as the meet up place... for last year. OOPS silly me finally i figured it out and moved a block over to where they were set up. derp. and went out around the area and learned about all the hauntings and stories and shit and it ended up being me, Owen and for a while Thirteen too. who is a rare fronter so that was a treat. we walked around and i rolled my eyes at all the silly unsubstantiated ghost stories but i was outnumbered LOL. two believers and an eye roller. owen listened rapt the entire time. also some Spooky Ghede Shit did occur later on in the tour tho lolol. that much i will say. i will ALSO SAY that while most of the tour was just silly shit, at the end they used some Totally Bogus Horse Shit about hoodoo that kinda pissed me off lol. some bullcrap about curses and some wise woman from the mountains who conveniently explained that a decapitated snake tied in a knot meant that someone wished you harm or whatever BUT GUESS WHAT, HOODOO AIN'T FROM THE MOUNTAINS ITS FROM THE COAST AND DOESNT INVOLVE SHIT LIKE THAT AT ALL, STOP THAT BULLSHIT. but whatever i had a good time really. it was nice. i'm still not a ~ghost hunter type and will probably always just roll my eyes at it lol. and i FEEL KINDA BAD but it is what it is. and others in here enjoy it.

today was the most unremarkable day i've had all weekend haha. still feeling very leery of the kitchen. spending money that i shouldn't on food but it's ok i think. tonight bb came home and we got out there and got food together and chatted with roommates and had drinks and it felt a little bit normal again. there are still talks to be had but i think things are calming down from the explosion that was friday thank god.
oh something interesting did happen today tho! listening to I Stand Corrected by Vampire Weekend while walking home triggered up none other than Michael. who is a dude that has been super hard to coax up front and so i know very little about him haha. but he just kinda stood there processing in a daze and listening to this music. of fucking course it's vampire weekend he's such a huge hipster lol. that much i do know. i'll talk about other stuff about him later but he was just. stick boy wearing plaid and lion therian feels and fears of his werewolf side and talks of his college life and bike rides. and made me realize how huge and ridiculous headspace really is. [also note! i think Thirteen may live in Winterhaven area nowadays. where Hiccup is. idk though for sure]

tomorrow i have plans~! with friends!! holy shit i find that stressful usually [and this time too honestly lol] but i wanna go see her. cuz she has Life Problems that i feel bad for not being able to drive over there for lol. so the plan is to go play video games and yell and scream about how shitty boys are. i'm ok with this. i'm gonna shove some of my fav games in a bag and go over there. gonna do a BUS TRANSFER for the first time i guess?? i'll see how that goes lol. and ride a different bus route other than the 23 for the first time. i love riding buses holy shit. it's great honestly. i don't know why bb doesn't like it.

ANYWAY i'm a little tense tonight but it's gon be fine. and now you know how my weekend went.

bored before work so maybe i'll write some stuff and things

dunno if i've talked about Ruby on here? if not i should. she's someone who i've had a 'vibe' for and known about since 2012 if not before! but never actually met her until last month or so. Human [meaning this is not the Gem Ruby hahaha], older lady, maybe 55 ish. HUGE hippie oh my god. gives that super chill retired ex-hippie from New Jersey or something kinda vibe. long curly mop of reddish hair. always has this twinkle in her eye. wears big round glasses that are kinda rose tinted, or red or purple, you get the idea. loves purple and red or any warm colors. acts really motherly or actually, her nickname is Aunt Ruby so I guess aunt-ly rather than motherly pfft. calls everyone "doll"

as for today... went and saw Inside Out finally. it was good! really good. i'd buy it probably. it was not very much like our own experience of headspace, but that's not too surprising honestly. i guess maybe i hoped for a bit more similarity but i didn't really EXPECT more than what was seen, so. i feel like this is a movie that wil age really well, like as the kids that loved it for the cute characters and good story grow older and can appreciate different parts of it, they'll look back and be like "wow! this is about becoming a more emotionally complex being! and i didn't know this then because i wasn't emotionally complex enough!" ya know??

also we were watching the credits and there's always that part with production babies, and not only were there SO MANY [jeez!], there were FIVE OLIVERS and one Owen in the list. jesus christ. so many Olivers??? i guess it's a popular name this year! i looked it up and it's in the top 10 for boys. so yeah! i guess i picked a good one lol

also we played so much mario kart and we were pretty even i guess? but bb always ended up taking 1st place over me. it was fun as hell, i gotta get my own copy of mario kart wii so i can give Madison back her copy omg. we actually went by Save Point today to see if they had a double headed AV cable for my game station but they didn't. but then we played a round of smash on wii u and i beat him even with my tiny, shitty controller LOL. good yes. purple charizard ftw.

i can feel the day of us buying our own wii u coming closer omg. maybe by the end of the month. i'm excited for that. splatoon and smash and and new zelda/starfox coming!! it's definitely happening by the end of this year.

also definitely happening [i mean barring some awful disaster???]: the utah trip. o my god. it's speeding towards me. i haven't bought plane tickets yet but i probably will after getting paid next week. because i meant to this week but shit happened lol. gonna remind my boss that i won't be in the state that week/weekend just to make sure she gets the memo, she can be bad about not paying attention and i don't want anything ugly to happen when i'm literally almost 2000 miles away. to come back with no job sure would suck :v

.... though tbh, bb makes quite a lot in tips with his new pizza job, we might even be able to scrape by for a tiny bit on just his income. would NOT want to do that, but i mean, i'm just saying. plus he has some stuff saved up. hes the best. i love being in a stable couple situation. even if it is a little boring at times and i can't play loud video games all night on my nights off :V

other than that i've just been drawing some gems and headspace people and watching SU [it was supposed to come back today buuuuut it didn't :C] and STUFF. and now i'm gonna have a coffee before work i guess. ZYA

bb gave me money from his pizza tips to take to nightbeat oh god thank u ;w;

trip stuff:
- phone/wallet/keys
- car charger for phone
- ipod, purple earbuds
- polaroid? take a shot in the car maybe.
- DSi w mario kart DS
- GBASP w pokemon pinball and tetris/tetris worlds

mario kart stuff:
Apostrophe is Yoshi. she is ALWAYS Yoshi. our system default is Yoshi, like if u invite us to a game of mario kart/party we will almost certainly play as Yoshi and that's all her lol
Summer would probably be Peach
I [Ollie] am gonna say King Boo
Kris would be Dry Bones
Ruby would prob be Rosalina
Vernon would be Koopa Troopa
Thirteen would be Dry Bowser???
Kyo would be Birdo. totally

of course most of these aren't unlocked yet... gdi what if madison wants this game back LOL I LIKE IT TOO MUCH IM GONNA HAVE TO SPEND MONEY ON MY OWN COPY!!! and a wii wheel. are those actually good

also when i unlock mii usage in this game FATS IS GONNA DESTROY EVERYTHING. GO FATS

Deleted all the dumb miis that were made by my family members when the wii was new. We got it Christmas 2008 i think, and the one who's used it the most was my little brother. He hung around a lot with my niblings [aka niece and nephews, my oldest stepbrother's three children] who were at the time quite small, like him. So the four of them made a bunch of really stupid miis with garbage names or ones that reminded me too much of family so I deleted them. Took great pleasure in deleting the one from my older stepsister who I have always intensely disliked lol.
I even deleted the old mii I made of myself. It was so unflattering, so ugly looking. And I would forgive that if I didn't know from memory that it was because of being surrounded by my family who thought I was very fat and unappealing and otherwise trashy. So I deleted that shit. Washed it out. Along with the old name that I don't use anymore. I'll make a brand new mii, named Oliver.

Among the ones they made that christmas/the next year or so that did survive:
B00T5 - an extremely tiny, purple Brock from pokemon
dump - a very tall thin old man
boygirl - how can I possibly delete this exquisitely beautiful genderqueer androgyne
fats - literally combed thru all these dumb miis when I first booted mario kart, found her and fell in love. And immediately she became a sort of character. She's enormously tall and chunky and wears glasses and DESTROYS EVERYONE AT MARIO KART. FATS WILL DIE HISTORIC ON THE FURY ROAD
BASS - also super tiny but has a hilariously fucked up face and great name

as well as the original* Snape mii from like five years ago [there have been SO MANY SNAPES on so many platforms since then, all made by Mason based off this one] who still survives, and one named Kristanova who looks... nothing like kristanova LOLOL. But he stays too.
* apparently bb tells me that this is the second snape mii, not the first. and that the first one was owned by his dad's ex girlfriend and her kids. uhhh WELL THIS IS THE OLDEST SURVIVING SNAPE LOL

gotta write this bc the system threw it my way and i cannot forget

;; floating islands. bubblespaces exist on these islands. including: several instances of the old house including one that [probably] only Apostrophe can go into where it's eternally christmas morning. [probably a blend of christmas 1999 and 2000, if i know Apostrophe]
- there's things aside from bubblespaces though. think the Order might now be on a really big one of these islands. maybe it always has been?? might explain the difficulty perceiving it

a lot of this got thrown at me by resonance from gmod. the particular map with the islands in the sky.
resonating imagery:
- the reflective pattern being all these flecks of rainbow light. rainbows scattering off oily sides of beings, or off glass or metallic surfaces, anything reflective like window panes
- windows that seem shattered and busted from the outside, but from the inside the building seems completely whole and fine
- the windmill. the island with the windmill and the rows of garden crops, mostly empty barns etc. is this someone's bubblespace that i don't know about? the windmill gives me a... weird vibe. possibly alive or once living.
- tall white tower. very tall, impossibly tall on a tiny island. just one little room inside that goes way up, with lots of warm natural light filtering in. but secretly there is a small space at the very top. with a crack in the brick works up there so you can see outside and light comes through. plants encrusting the door. a big engraved beautiful metal symbol adorns the center of the floor in the 'chapel' of the tower.
- loads of other small church like buildings with shiny walls and water in the floors and symbols/sigils decorating the floor. glowing symbols as the centerpiece on the walls.
- a square of buildings and just outside the buildings, three stones stand in a still pool of water. sacred holy spaces just outside and/or involved with busy areas.
- island with castle and in the yard in front of the castle, a big stone slab/square space the size of an outdoor basketball practice court with 'fiery' sigils, circles etc drawn on top. similar circles drawn on top of a big spire on castle accessible by stairs.
- some islands miles apart, some so close together you can lay a log across

go on this map and look up shapes of islands, setups of buildings for reference. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH TAKING INSPIRATION FROM OUTSIDE DO NOT HOLD BACK

in other news: this might have come all at once because the previous landscape setup has changed. which might mean today was SO bad that a Scratch happened. partial at least. fuck.

went all the way out to this theater to watch the DCI event but... silly me, of course it sold out. I even considered getting tix early and didn't. so I didn't feel too bad because it was just me being careless lol. and I'll see 'em later this year IN PERSON anyway so that's much better. still ached to see em but if it had been just me, it might have been worse. but. it wasn't.

y'see it wasn't just me that went and watched jurassic world instead. it was the ENTIRE SYSTEM. the SU episode that aired was all about fusion and god it fucked me up. got me feeling blendy with all of them. ALL of them. i could feel them all and it was nuts. one moment Thirteen's fur cloak brushed along mine, next Kyo's wide eyes on the screen, Kris puffing smoke and jeering at the fake blood, I could see and feel them all as easy as looking from eye to eye. People that HAVENT EVEN PROPERLY MANIFESTED. Just shards, fragments, voices that come and go but dont have a permanent presence [Face and Name]. This lasted all night. Hiccup's eyes welled up at the human animal connection one moment, then the next he felt violent for the hurt inflicted on all the animals by people. I put my arm around his. Felt August squeezing me with his big arms at a stupid romance scene, saying he thought it was cute. Felt Jewel curl her fat tail around me.
All night, and sometimes it rolled more towards instability, even bordering on panic - arguing over songs in the car, flipping through a song halfway into it, bickering over how to get home. This is how we're meant to be - connected as a family, as a System - but maybe not quite THIS heavily lol. Things can get unstable. And we can't just come apart and unfuse when we don't work together as a team lol. So.

And in the middle of it all... was Owen. He responded to one of the main characters named Owen, his name being called repeatedly. Felt him stir and open his eyes to it. "Hey... they're calling my name."
Felt vines wrap around him tenderly, and other limbs and things besides. We were so blendy I FELT him feel them touching him. The System itself seemed to touch him. A soft, masculine voice I can't put a name to said, "Welcome to the fold, kid."
He's not still around and he's barely lucid right now, but. But. There it is lol. Was just waiting for it to happen. And last night was a good night for it. Born among the System as a whole. But not just born from one System. There's never been anyone like him, so... we have no idea what's going to happen.

[Note: the Toy Soldier walked behind me into the theater but the moment we saw it was sold out, he kinda glitched out of existence. More solidity to the idea that he's... part of me, somehow. A shadow, an extension, a hologram, a ghost, somehow connected to me.]

Have more thoughts about today and yesterday's SU episodes [FUSION FEELS SOBS FOREVER] but that'll come later. Just wanted to record the amazing experience that was last night. It's still not completely gone. We put together a SUPER LONG headspace playlist, sort of a dance mix/uplifting songs with System themes or shoutouts to some of us, or just songs we all like to sing together or that we have a long history with. Yep. We're alone in the house so gonna put that on now.

Things that would have sent me into a panic three years ago or even two, but now only feel like a moderate problem to suss out and solve:

Somebody was laid off at bb's work [which he himself is trying to leave because the commute is an hour one way] and so for the last week he has been gone from the house from 9 am until 11 pm every day. No days off until the weekend.
Then today I hear that they're thinking of keeping him on these hours until the fall at least. So he's only home on the weekends or at night. And guess who works every weekend, all night and is only off during the week? Yep: me.

So. This isn't ok. I'm really hoping that won't happen and he can talk to them about his needs. Because it's not only that he'd be working all day every day just that we'd literally NEVER see each other except when I get home and crawl into bed, or weekend afternoons when we can't get anything official done. [like is that not ridiculous for people who live together and are a couple?] He'd never be able to do laundry, do dishes, any housework at all, no gaming, and most importantly no job hunting to find something ELSE. [Laundry and dishes are also rly hard to impossible things for me to get done, partly because I'm never awake when laundry should be done bc of my work schedule, and partly because triggers n shit]

Eh. I'm putting this away now because it's not gonna be as bad as I'm imagining and it'll work out. It will. I know it. This is no longer instant panic attack level but it is still at 'elevated stress, i need to not think about this overmuch or i WILL panic' level lol so. Yeah.

Other stuff: lmfao. we're putting energy into things that maybe we shouldn't. giving them momentum. might result in a new and very unique headmate. maybe more on that later.

So this week's lesson seems to be a lesson in privacy. Because I've always been so clammed up about my life to everyone because I was so sure they didn't want to hear it, that I was obnoxious, blah blah etc. Except lately that's been loosening up a whole lot. And my mouth has been opening. Sometimes in places it shouldn't, which has always been a serious issue for me, getting traumatized by simply saying the wrong thing to the wrong person. So, it's a lesson I'm re-learning in a more healthy way than I did in like middle and high school.

The other night at work I mentioned being poly and got burned by some people that I thought I knew really well and got along with well. Not to say we don't get along, but it just sharply reminded me that just because we get along means they GET me. At all. Because saying stuff like "that's just a fancy word for cheating" and "that's just multiple sex partners is what that is" without actually letting me speak and explain what poly really IS... no. No you don't understand and nor could you.

Then today I got up the nerve to send an ask to a cosplayer that I follow, who's known for an incredibly good Hiccup cosplay and who sometimes drops offhand comments like "they're so much more alive than you know" referring to fictional characters, or "spirit stuff" that always piqued my curiosity. Just rang This Guy Is Plural bells to me. So I sent him an ask about it, and he was friendly at first and started explaining a belief that he had about communicating spiritually with 'fictional characters' in other universes [including Hiccup, yeah] but as soon as i mentioned MY own plurality he got very walled off and said that this wasn't even remotely the same thing. Said stuff like "this isn't a game or something you make up, this is serious beyond belief and has been happening for a long time." Which... loool. Boy, how little you understand.
So again, I got burned by opening up about my headspace to the wrong person. [I even mentioned us having a Hiccup to him, which is something I have been VERY VERY touchy and self conscious about in the past, fictives.] And my anxiety tried so hard to grab that and make me feel like shit and horrifically embarassed - tiny little interactions like that with popular people have made me petrified of them for life before, long after I'm sure they have forgotten all about them. But, nope. Not letting that happen. It was pretty amusing that he thought HIS headstuff made perfect sense, communicating to other universes where fictional characters actually exist, but any hint of my own plurality and nope this is just a silly game you made up. Really now.

The lesson repeats: you know how to respect people's inner lives, but not everyone else does. In fact, most people don't. You now surround yourself with people who Know and Understand, for the first time ever, and you are not alone. You're slowly starting to feel less like a loner and more like one of the people. But don't mistake that for being normal. Don't expose your inner riches to people who would just use them for paving stones and have no concept of their value.

I wish it was. I wish I WAS normal. Not because ~it'd be super cool~ if everyone was plural [although I mean, it would lol], but because I'm so sick of hiding these huge important things about myself. Sick of hiding being poly, and being plural. Two huge parts of my life that give me boundless joy. I wish I could just talk about this casually to friends and strangers at bus stops. Wish I could just offhand name-drop 'my girlfriend' and not get interrogated about what happened to my boyfriend?? [Hint: nothing. Still great five years running.] Wish I didn't have to mention vague 'friends' when referring to headmates and not be able to talk about them much so that no one Outside tries to make arrangements to meet those people. Because simultaneously they can't, and yet they already have probably and don't even know it. Wish I could describe to someone the feeling of being friends with more than one person sharing the same body. More than that I wish people already understood that concept.
This is all the most natural stuff in the world to me and it frustrates me so much that people don't get it. How can you not? But moreso it's frustrating that people who don't get it can't LEAVE IT ALONE if they realize it's something they don't get.

I forget that in the real world, you don't just simply respect people with different life experiences than you and drop the subject. You have to apparently argue over whose opinion is right. I think the idea of communicating to movie protagonists through a channel only you have to an alternate universe where they actually exist is pretty ludicrous, myself. Far more ludicrous than the idea of someone's psyche habitually splitting itself off into various other people, some of whom imprint on fictional personas and effectively become those people themselves. But I am 100% willing to respect that if someone has that experience inside themselves. Because I don't CARE what you do inside yourself. That's all YOU. My opinions have no bearing on that and I can happily coexist with someone whose existence doesn't exactly make sense to me. In fact I do it ALL THE TIME. Do I understand how someone can live their life, during their life experience a whole lot of shit outside the realm of my personal beliefs about this world, then die, and then in the afterlife somehow end up inside someone else's head, years before they actually died? Nope. But I'm close friends with a person who has had this experience and I have no explanation for how it happened, BUT it's COMPLETELY VALID. I don't need an explanation, because there probably isn't one that would work for me, because everyone's inner experience is wildly different from the next person's. Simple as that. Seriously.

Why can't other people do this? It's the easiest thing in the world, I don't understand. Your inner life is YOURS and I acknowledge the purity of that fact. Why does the world at large have such an issue with this concept. Exactly the same thing as religion: whatever you believe about your own soul is YOUR business and has literally nothing to do with me no matter what my take on it is. Take care of your inner world however it feels right to do so. I don't care what you do in there, that's YOU. You do you. Period.

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the Broken Arrows

December 2017

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T. B. A. S.

Book of Days

Entries tagged with headspace

070517

062717

i miss this place

052117

042817

headspace thoughts and stuff

So hard to update from my phone

//

(no subject)

Hiraethian journey

i'll post an actual update soon, promise

120315

110715 actually during the day

101815

//

random thoughts and scattered notes as i leave this open today

nts; floating islands

061815

061115

050515