there's a light
Feb. 26th, 2015 06:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thebrokenarrowsJust some thoughts on the Toy Soldier. He's not like most other people in headspace, although he's not unique, either. He's a ghost, or at least that's what we've termed him. He's not the remaining spirit of someone who was once alive, so he's not REALLY a ghost. But. His existence is different than, say, mine or Hiccup's. And when it comes to fronting, he doesn't. I don't think the front could be occupied by only him [and the Autopilot, who is also not a person, but is also literally always there even when the two of us are around].
He possesses. So far that I know he only possesses ME. I think he's "my" ghost, in that he basically exists for me and/or whoever's currently the Core. He's been referred to as the ghost of marching band, referring to that period in my [read: mostly Thirteen, Kyo and Vernon's] life that changed us forever.
[For those wondering: when the Core shifts, yes it will still be ME. I'll still know who you are and all that. Still have my memories and probably like/dislike most of hte sme things. But I might, idk, take on a new name or style or personality quirks or possibly gender presentation, although I'm hoping the latter won't change too much >_>. And Oliver might show up sometime in the future as his own being, but still 'me'... that's kinda hard to say in simple English LOL. The important thing to know is that this is all a working theory and it may have stopped being a phenomenon now, who knows?? The Core may never change again, we don't know.]
He's also a ghost in that he haunts. Very often 'ghosts', as is the term, outside the body, which is not something many of them do nowadays. Sits in the back seat of the car, sweeps along behind me with his cape trailing off invisible. Catching my eye from under the shadow of his shako brim, sometimes. [Like yesterday when I realized that this year NightBeat, the local DCI competition was in going to be in fucking Winston-Salem AND NOT CHARLOTTE WHERE I'M MOVING TO LIKE IT IS EVERY OTHER YEAR UGH. Heavily considered not going. Then saw a glint of smoky grey Toy Soldier eye staring at me. Nope. I have no choice.]
Sometimes I'll be busy with life stuff and FEEL the jacket over me, nothing more, just feel as if I'm wearing the uniformed jacket with crossbars over my chest and hard collar at my throat, or the strap of the shako under my chin. Instinctively straighten up and calm myself as if meditating.
I pretend that it's not drums that do it but it is. It's drums. I mean it's literally just Music in general that does it to me, all music, but the most important ingredient is drums, or bells, or sometimes the right dramatically increasing crescendo swell will take me under immediately. The first sign you can tell Toy Soldier is taking me is that I begin shaking in the hands. I'm told my eyes dilate. When I feel like I'm able [or simply can't help myself] I stomp my feet really hard as well. When I'm not able to let him take me fully, and I have to hold back, often I end up unconsciously self harming a little bit via digging my nails in or biting or scratching. [It's ok, it's just something that happens, not ~meaningful~ or anything just shit that occurs when this goes on, don't worry.]
So yeah. Closest thing I've experienced to being "god-ridden" of sorts, hah. It's enjoyable and like everything else in headspace seemingly, it happens for a reason.
Edit to add 2 things:
He isn't JUST a ghost but I have very strong suspicions that he's risen over time to the status of headspace deity. Like Trolley, it seems the deities I know best revolve around the front or around the Core spot specifically, which makes sense since that's my area, and also just makes me wonder how many gods are out there in headspace that have little to nothing to do with me, that I've yet to discover.
Also reminding myself that when the move is settled in, the Toy Soldier NEEDS a shrine in the new place. Just a little one is fine. I'll have to work a little to find a good centerpiece for it, but anything will do for now. I have plenty of material for it and it will build itself naturally as shrines always do.
[Random note, some HTTYD soundtrack came on and someday I need to discuss how STRONGLY my synesthesia relates the wandering notes of Toothless's theme to the arc of his head, back and tail. Seriously. I need to draw that out somehow and depict it because I HEAR the shape of his body in those notes.]
He possesses. So far that I know he only possesses ME. I think he's "my" ghost, in that he basically exists for me and/or whoever's currently the Core. He's been referred to as the ghost of marching band, referring to that period in my [read: mostly Thirteen, Kyo and Vernon's] life that changed us forever.
[For those wondering: when the Core shifts, yes it will still be ME. I'll still know who you are and all that. Still have my memories and probably like/dislike most of hte sme things. But I might, idk, take on a new name or style or personality quirks or possibly gender presentation, although I'm hoping the latter won't change too much >_>. And Oliver might show up sometime in the future as his own being, but still 'me'... that's kinda hard to say in simple English LOL. The important thing to know is that this is all a working theory and it may have stopped being a phenomenon now, who knows?? The Core may never change again, we don't know.]
He's also a ghost in that he haunts. Very often 'ghosts', as is the term, outside the body, which is not something many of them do nowadays. Sits in the back seat of the car, sweeps along behind me with his cape trailing off invisible. Catching my eye from under the shadow of his shako brim, sometimes. [Like yesterday when I realized that this year NightBeat, the local DCI competition was in going to be in fucking Winston-Salem AND NOT CHARLOTTE WHERE I'M MOVING TO LIKE IT IS EVERY OTHER YEAR UGH. Heavily considered not going. Then saw a glint of smoky grey Toy Soldier eye staring at me. Nope. I have no choice.]
Sometimes I'll be busy with life stuff and FEEL the jacket over me, nothing more, just feel as if I'm wearing the uniformed jacket with crossbars over my chest and hard collar at my throat, or the strap of the shako under my chin. Instinctively straighten up and calm myself as if meditating.
I pretend that it's not drums that do it but it is. It's drums. I mean it's literally just Music in general that does it to me, all music, but the most important ingredient is drums, or bells, or sometimes the right dramatically increasing crescendo swell will take me under immediately. The first sign you can tell Toy Soldier is taking me is that I begin shaking in the hands. I'm told my eyes dilate. When I feel like I'm able [or simply can't help myself] I stomp my feet really hard as well. When I'm not able to let him take me fully, and I have to hold back, often I end up unconsciously self harming a little bit via digging my nails in or biting or scratching. [It's ok, it's just something that happens, not ~meaningful~ or anything just shit that occurs when this goes on, don't worry.]
So yeah. Closest thing I've experienced to being "god-ridden" of sorts, hah. It's enjoyable and like everything else in headspace seemingly, it happens for a reason.
Edit to add 2 things:
He isn't JUST a ghost but I have very strong suspicions that he's risen over time to the status of headspace deity. Like Trolley, it seems the deities I know best revolve around the front or around the Core spot specifically, which makes sense since that's my area, and also just makes me wonder how many gods are out there in headspace that have little to nothing to do with me, that I've yet to discover.
Also reminding myself that when the move is settled in, the Toy Soldier NEEDS a shrine in the new place. Just a little one is fine. I'll have to work a little to find a good centerpiece for it, but anything will do for now. I have plenty of material for it and it will build itself naturally as shrines always do.
[Random note, some HTTYD soundtrack came on and someday I need to discuss how STRONGLY my synesthesia relates the wandering notes of Toothless's theme to the arc of his head, back and tail. Seriously. I need to draw that out somehow and depict it because I HEAR the shape of his body in those notes.]
