T. B. A. S.

In Vienna there's ten pretty women
There's a shoulder where Death comes to cry
There's a lobby with nine hundred windows
There's a tree where the doves go to die
There's a piece that was torn from the morning,
and it hangs in the Gallery of Frost -
Ay-ay-ay...
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take this waltz with the clamp on its jaws

Oh, I want you - I want you - I want you
In a chair with a dead magazine;
In a cave at the tip of the lily;
In some hallway where love's never been;
On a bed where the moon has been sweating
In a cry filled with footsteps and sand
Ay-ay-ay...
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take its broken waist in your hand

There's a concert hall in Vienna,
Where your mouth had a thousand reviews
There's a bar where the boys have stopped talking;
They've been sentenced to death by the blues
Ah, but who is it climbs to your picture
with a freshly-cut garland of tears
Ay-ay-ay...
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take this waltz, it's been dying for years

There's an attic where children are playing
Where I've got to lie down with you soon
In a dream of Hungarian lanters
In the mist of some sweet afternoon
And I'll see what you've chained to your sorrow
All your sheep and your lillies of snow;
Ay-ay-ay...
Take this waltz, take this waltz
With its "I'll never forget you, you know!"

This waltz, this waltz, this waltz this waltz
With its very own breath of brandy and death
Dragging its tail in the sea

And I'll dance with you in Vienna;
I'll be wearing a river's disguise
The hyacinth wild on my shoulder,
My mouth on the dew of your thighs
And I'll yield to the flood of your beauty,
my cheap violin and my cross
And you'll carry me down on your dancing
To the pools that you lift on your wrist

Oh, my love, oh, my love
Take this waltz, take this waltz
It's yours now. It's all that there is.



[trying to write my own words underneath these feels so crude hah]
I heated up a pot of tea and used the remains from our smores night to make tea, as in the meal. As soon as I got back to the bedroom to set down my plate it started raining. The most beautiful of brief afternoon summer downpours. I propped open my broken window and put on Leonard Cohen - the song that stuck with me like a burr, the song that I first listened to almost as a joke but somehow has become so close to my heart so quickly - watched the flooding and listened to the cars on the wet road and dreamed of the girl that I love teaching me to waltz. I needed that moment. Felt so myself, so pure and true and clear. And I have since then. Like I might finally know who I actually am. At least when all the rubbish gets cleared away and I can see it, like right now.



I'm someone who is really into antiquated technology. Who chases after these things. And doesn't really think about it, about what my interests all seem to have in common is that they're sorta outdated. My typewriter [sadly neglected, needs a ribbon], my game boys and other old game systems, my Polaroid camera, my hopefully soon to begin vinyl player and record collection... these things are all so tactile, so tangible. I'm such a touch-based person, so to feel the shift and clunk of typebars as you write or to feel the hinge on your camera swing back and kick into place, the healthy heft of a full film cartridge in your camera or load of batteries in your game boy... it's so right. How things should be. I've got no grudge against things like cell phones or computers, hardly, I love them and can't get away lol. But to me there is just something about certain older technologies that I'll always pursue and make part of my life I think.



Want to write about some thoughts I've been having regarding my sex lately. I know this isn't the universal opinion but I more or less fall in line with the idea of sex being your physical geno/phenotype [i.e. what's in your genes/between your legs at birth] and gender being your identity and personality. So my gender is male, effeminate but solidly male. My sex is what you would call female although we really need a different word for these things that isn't the same word for a gender presentation :p. My sex is... "receptive"? I'm a vagina person? LOL. What I'm saying is... although I'm solidly a male person and want only to be treated as a man by society, I'm pretty happy with being born the way I was. Being the smaller, alluring sex. The one I find almost universally appealing. [I maintain that girls are magical and mysterious creatures with awesome intoxicating powers, and the more they know how to wield it the more helpless I am to resist them lol]  Like if only society was set up in such a way that a boy of short stature with big hips and a vulva was widely accepted bc I feel happy that way. Happy invoking my feminine side even while my body is so feminine that everyone thinks I'm a girl. Feel solid enough in my masculine identity that I can wear pretty rocks on my finger, paint my nails, actually like the color pink. Feel comfortable in my cute and somewhat femme demeanor. It's been a long time coming.

And god almighty I'm a fucking nerd but another thing that's made me more comfortable in my sex is steven universe LOL. Like yes the gems aren't TRULY female but you know what, they all present female and seeing so many strong capable female bodied people doing work and getting shit done makes me feel good about myself. When I get dysphoria I always feel so weak and stupid and seeing these women [alien women, but whatever :V] being shown as no-bullshit powerful and wise and worthy of respect and even awe from the protagonist.... feels really good. Makes me feel more confident in my shapely legs and big hips. And even my hated chest feels a little better knowing I'm shaped like a gem. :p

soooo aaalmost came out to my mom as trans today hahaha. the subject came up - a feral kitten they tamed down is going to live with sister's bf and they're calling him Oliver, and mom was the one to point this out to me although i already knew. so mom knows Oliver is an important name to me, and i've had it up on facebook as my name for 2 years now. and so i told her i've started using that name full time, and she said "really? at work and all?" [no, not at work, work can barely keep the name Kris straight, like rly? i would but it'd just get confusing and shit i don't wanna bother with it but... next job] after me sending that response though she just went to bed. haaahaha. yeah.
so. she definitely knows already but doesn't wanna go into detail about it right now. but that's really ok with me honestly. knowing that she knows. but REALLY? I know none of this will come as a surprise to her. she has been aware of my gender troubles from pretty much day 1, back in 2006. christmas of 2006 she asked me very pointedly what name i wanted on my present labels, and if i wanted them to call me Kris from now on or not. [stupidly i said they didn't need to use Kris ugh. i've regretted it ever since but i guess it's no longer a problem lol] so yeah she will definitely not be blindsided by this when it eventually comes up full frontal LOL.

as for the father... ehh. he probably won't be blindsided either but i don't think there's much of a chance of him accepting it. ironically even though all he ever wanted was sons and not daughters anyway. i could always be wrong though. maybe being gone for his life for years and then coming back into it as Oliver... could work? i still dunno if i even want to do that though lol. feel like an attempt at least is in the cards but whether it'll work or not is... ehh. we'll cross that one when it comes up.

but yeah mom contacted me saying i should try to talk my little brother down from giving away all his pokemon cards LOL! gave me his contact info. i'll do what i can. or if nothing else i'll take some of the rarer ones off his hands and should he ever want them back, i'd return them. probably. :v or at least he'd know they're in some safe collector's hands. [it's gonna suck texting him and being like "hey! it's your sister" lol :|]

hella tired. prob gonna nap later. but that's ok.

so Welcome To The Black Parade has been stuck in my head looping continuously for two days now. help. it means a lot to me, that song, but.... stahp. it's wearing ruts in my brain.

i brought the big heavy duty space heater out from storage this morning when i woke up, as well as a few of my long sleeve shirts. which i don't have enough of. i have way too goddamn many t shirts, and a few reminders of past attempts at clothing change which failed, but not enough simple long sleeved shirts or tshirts.

eeehhh i'm just tired and chilly and wanna crawl back in the bed. when i got home from work this morning i was so tired i couldn't sleep, and i hadn't seen bb all day, so i accidentally just kept him up for an hour chattering and talking and sharing stories about our day. then his alarm went off and it was time to go to festival. whoops. but he didn't mind, it was the only time we got to talk all day, not even through text. i couldn't sleep even after he left for ren fest, so i played some animal crossing and then finally fell out.

now i'm brewing pumpkin spice coffee and it smells HEAVENLY. i wish it tasted as pumpkiny as it smelled.
update: it is still delicious and just the thing i needed today i think. i'm really tired. i probably need some more sleep. or maybe it's just my friday of the week. lol

maaaaAAAN i'm trying really really hard to save up for my computer. money just can't come in quick enough. i need a new laptop and a TABLET for DIGITAL ART and IM GONNA DO THE THING GODDAMN IT I'M FINALLY IN A REASONABLY HEALTHY ART SITUATION FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LIKE FOUR YEARS I'M GONNA GET BACK INTO DIGITAL ART IF IT KILLS ME

gonna shell out for a Wacom. fo real. i've only ever had kinda cheap and shitty tablets with no apparent pressure sensitivity [they were supposed to have it?? but i never could make it work for some reason]. so no buying secondhand from ebay, i'm going straight to the source and getting a brand new Wacom tablet. give. me. i've wanted a Wacom tablet since before you even had to specify that you want a GRAPHICS tablet because "tablets" and ipads and such didn't EXIST. wehhh

so when i get my computer i'm buying the laptop itself, a headset probably with a half decent microphone for various reasons, and a Wacom tablet. the headset is lowest priority, so if i'm short on cash it can wait, but i'm pretty set on buying the computer and tablet together if i can.

so remember a couple years back when Pokemon Center put out their substitute doll plushes and they ZOOMED off the shelf in the blink of an eye? and i knew it was hopeless that i'd ever get one now? LOL. suddenly i kinda wanted one and i looked on ebay and they're selling for either like 10 bucks, 20, or 150+. the 10 buck ones are probably either shipping bullshit or bootleg, at least. but you know what, when it comes down to it, i might not care too much if the substitute is a bootleg. it's not a pokemon itself, just a pokemon related plush... idk? i might actually get one booty or not some day. not now though. computer is needed.

random thought, it's October and that means pink fuckness month thanks to a certain corrupt as hell "charity" scam organization, sexualizing deadly diseases because they happen to an extremely highly sexualized body part. and it just reminds me forcefully of the fact that i have tits and i hate them SO much. and guess what? my grandmother had to have a mastectomy this/last year? because of breast cancer. that's the first sign that i'm aware of of it being in the family, and it just makes me want to get them the fuck off me that much more desperately.
honestly i don't know why any women deal with having breasts if the risk of getting cancer is so high, why not just cut them off and save yourself the danger??? especially if you don't really like your boobs that much, i could understand if you just really enjoyed having boobs but [maybe this is the dysphoria talking] it's hard for me to imagine actually enjoying having these heavy annoying things sitting on your chest unable to get out of your way???

one thing that gives me dysphoria worse than almost ANYTHING else is shirt shopping. hooooly shit. just seeing mannequins or models showing off their good looking flat chests. i LOVE nice looking male chests god damn. they seem like such an important body part to me, maybe i'm just more focused on it due to dysphoria. anytime, ANYtime i see a guy wearing a shirt that i want, or one in the store, or like ANY kind of chest covering clothing that i like, i drool over it and how good their chest looks in it but then i remember that i can NEVER wear it, or at least i have to go into thousands in debt, pain, etc before i can even think about ever wearing it. if i put it on it either wouldn't fit at all, or the front would bulge sickeningly, stretch the material beyond repair, and destroy my otherwise reasonable and nice silhouette. ugh i fucking HATE THESE FATSACKS HOLY CRAP DYSPHORIA IS STRONG RN.

i need NEED chest surgery. so bad. my tits are too big for binders to work very well, or at least so it seems. even the best fitting ones i've tried barely work if at all, and they hurt and are so uncomfortable and limit my movement... please just give me the surgery.
i'll probably just do the DM and deal with the huge scars and weird nipple shit/possibly no nipples at all, that's fine, although the one that my friend unicorn_boi on instagram had/is having is really interesting and not one i see people talking about much. something about areolar reduction? basically they cut the nipple out like normal, cut back the skin around the areola bit by bit [this usually takes more than one surgery] so that the chest gradually tightens up and looks more natural. like, what i like about it is that the top of your chest is not suddenly the bottom of your chest grafted on, the bottom skin is the same location that it was when you were a kid. it just seems more natural to me. i kinda like this idea, but idk if i could do it, if my skin is good enough? idk?
i think dysphoria is warping my perception, but i always feel like the skin around the bottoms of my breasts is hideously stretched and scarred and otherwise marred by the massive growth, unnatural rubbing etc. it's endured over the years.
IDK I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE BREASTS SUCK SO MUCH I HATE HAVING THEM SOMEDAY I WILL BE FREE OF THEM. i could give a shit less about my genitals, it will be really nice if my clit grows on T and stuff but like, it's fine, my vulva and shit are compact and don't get in my way and when i'm not ready for sexytime i don't have to worry about a damn thing. it's totally cool with me, that can stay the way it is. but BOOBS HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME i have dealt with them since i was eleven and i feel them sitting on my arms right now limiting my arms' range of movement and i feel sick. this is why i don't wear binders or bras or anything when i'm at home, i just go bare chested and try to pretend they're not there, just ignore them completely. binding just reminds me constantly that i have a big bulging obnoxious chest that feels terrible and gets in my way and makes people treat me wrongly and FUCK.

hahah i literally made myself nauseous enough to stop speaking out loud in the middle of a sentence, too much dysphoria. gonna stop.

arty is Very Cranky for no apparent reason today. much bite. such beak nips on my ears.


ok but SERIOUSLY, i have got to stop commenting on LJ communities. maybe even stop following certain ones. if i have an opinion, i should never EVER EVER fucking comment it on an LJ communities. LJ is the worst for being filled with people who are ready and willing to take your text comment and interpret it in the most offensive tone they can imagine, and reply thusly.


man i feel like my mental stability is kinda low today. i just have really stable and then less stable days, apparently at random. because i EXPECTED that this week would start out easy, then get progressively harder and tonight would be utter hell. i remember saying that it would be like a video game, where theoretically tonight would be level 5 out of 5. when in fact, day 1 was great, day 2 was absolutely miserable, days 3 and 4 were kinda shitty but my mental state stayed afloat really well the whole night and i was fine, and day 5.... is looking like it might end on a high note unless shit happens i guess.
i don't know how to predict how my brain will act on a given day, and it might just be COMPLETELY RANDOM although that seems unlikely to me. it must be hormones or malnutrition or something logical, right? but what it FEELS like is i wake up in the morning and my brain rolls a d20 to determine my mental/emotional stability for the day. and the past two days it's been pretty high, but today it's like 5 or 6. not DISMALLY bad, [like for example friday was probably a 2 or 3 at best] but pretty unstable and prone to letting little things get to me that i otherwise would be able to turn the other cheek to. like stupid LJ comments, for example.

just gonna do my best and keep a high spirit. breathe, ground, center. keep wearing my heart and my pentacle and claw ring, and tina's coat. and either getting MEGA MONEY for my time [actually getting paid a suitable amount per hour for the work i do for a few hours would be amazing], over 11 bucks an hour, or getting let go early, or a combination of both, after approxiomately 2 am tonight.