T. B. A. S.

LOL WELL i've been online for like two hours might wanna make a little update seeing as WE'RE HERE


yep. i'm a city boy now. we're in Charlotte, the Queen City. yesterday was exhausting but worth it and today was spent trying to put things back together a little bit. i'm only like 20% unpacked at the moment, there's so much that i... just can't GET to yet and also so much that i have no idea where i could put it. we gotta do rearranging in the rest of the apartment if they do mean what they say about us having some furniture out there. [which would be good cuz like there's literally no more space for anything here without it looking mega cluttered :V]

but yes. yep. i went about 36 hours without sleeping after being too exhausted to even exist properly all day, and was tripping balls at 3 am basically, watched this movie called Fetching Cody in an attempt to weird out Hiccup [protagonist was played by jay baruchel :v] but mostly it just weirded ME out because the main character was so.... like a weird mash-up of Poe and Hiccup together. it was a pretty good movie tbh. i'd watch it again. it really struck me tbh.

was wanting Poe around a lot last night. when i was just sitting up in bed watching the cars outside, mesmerized, exhausted but wide awake and wanting someone to talk to, about the lights and cars and darkness and the fog. thought to myself how can i miss someone so much that i've never even been in the physical presence of. but that's silly, how bad would i miss Hiccup if he vanished somehow? perish the thought.

i need to let go of the idea that there's this... divide between outside relationships and ones inside. more on that subject that i may talk about in a less public entry :v

the animals are adjusting accordingly. Murphy is having the hardest time, poor guy. he's barely eaten or drank and hasn't used the litterbox yet. i'm keeping a close eye on him to make sure he won't pee anywhere untoward. he's hiding under the bed less and less, though, started coming out on his own this afternoon and asking for attention. :> on the other hand, Arty was totally chill within 5 minutes of being let out, singing and flirting happily. it was like as long as i was there with him, he felt safe. my feels. ;v;


speaking of feels. Bird went camping last night so on my first night out here i couldn't talk to her/her System and it was sad. but i did my best to let go of clingy feelings and worries, and told myself they were having a ball. then like 11:30 am i get a text, Bird saying, "coming back to your texts is like coming home in a way." and just. my heart. and tonight she's at work really late and it sucks and i want to skype with her but she might be too tired and stuff, but the thing that strikes me again is how much she seems to really WANT to be texting me. like she's not just replying to things i send. she's bummed out when she can't text for a while.
and i'm. just. feels. people sneaking around to text ME at work. i think i tell myself subconsciously at every turn that i'm a desperate loser, too invested, way more into my relationships with people than the other parties are. always telling myself i'm being annoying or that i go off on tangents too much.
i need to relax. this is relaxing. having a best friend is so nice and i realized how long it's been since i've had a human connection like this that wasn't inherently romantic in nature. [inherently. :PP] just... someone that i care about, saying that hearing from ME is like coming home. i can't even process what that means to me. <3 <3 <3


btw it's been a BEAUTIFUL GORGEOUS 70 DEGREE DAY HOLY SHIT. hiccup was ecstatic at the high winds. climbing the stairwell to get as high as he could and feel the wind in his hair and hands.

today went to Save Point for the first time while being ~LOCAL~ omg. it's 20 minutes away as long as traffic isn't bad. i can't believe that. went up and just up and bought a gamecube to GBA connector cable, and a replacement cover door for the wii that i broke off when my stupid ass tugged it off the table while playing wind waker a couple weeks ago. seven bucks. simple as that.

but then i made the mistake of going next door and looking around Infinity's End and this guy who was walking around and kept making comments in my direction about whatever he was looking at, always happened to be brushing past me and 'accidentally' touching my ass or boobs. and he did it just once or twice too often and i started feeling like he was doing this shit on purpose, and started becoming Angry Dragon [actually my first response was FEAR and also dysphoria but then angry dragon] but then, just at that moment, the guy behind the counter struck up a conversation with a customer about marching band. and i wasn't even involved but immediately my mind was calmed. and i walked to the other side of the store and the creepy dude vanished. i still don't know for sure that he was doing that on purpose but my mind was just like WELLP HERE IT IS MY FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH CITY LIFE: CREEPERS. i need to start trying harder to pass as male srsly. -_-



ALSO THE FIRST THING I DREW IN THE NEW APARTMENT IS TRASH ART OF BIRD AND POE AND I REGRET ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. it's so cute they're so cute ugh god. i live for hearing sweet things about them. EVEN SLIGHTLY SAUCY THINGS LOL STILL ADORABLE. my otp. my otp is canon as in like, irl and not fictional. hell yeah. i love this WEIRD HEADMATE RELATIONSHIP SAGA OF EARLY 2015. long may it reign.


god i can't wait to get my chair back, first i was sitting on an end table and then they gave me a little folding chair, which is better but still p uncomfortable. i want my bird-shat chair back LOL. my back is acting up [thanks for waiting until i'm done with the heavy lifting holy shit!] and i think that will at least kinda help. gonna have to make one last harrowing trip all the way back down to the old house to pick up a last few things that won't fit in bb's car, tomorrow before work. it's cool with me as long as it's cool with my car lol :|


SO I GUESS THIS IS THE LAST ENTRY OF MY MOVING DAY TAG FOR NOW. heck ye. maybe i'll start ones like 'apartment life' or 'city life' who knows????

this is it. my last day of living at my parents' house. last day using this internet. a thousand things i'll miss and won't miss.


just woke up at 4pm because i wanted to give myself as much rest as possible beforehand. i might get a couple hours sleep after work tomorrow but that might be worse than no sleep at all, i dunno.

feeling very tense. gonna try to breathe and relax. nothing's wrong, i just have to focus and buckle down and get this entire room packed up. i really should have gotten proper work done on my car but i guess anxiety got the best of me there and now i only have time to get the essentials, aka windshield wipers.

it's SO fucking warm outside i wish i had time to enjoy it. 66 degrees right now. this is my kinda weather.

idk what else today. just gonna relax for a bit then go to the auto parts store and buy a set of windshield wipers. then get my last jack in the box for old times' sake before coming home. gonna get my ipod and listen to some music while packing. yep.


yep yep yep. i might not update again until the move is done, so. but i also have lj on my phone so i might do something short on that. we love you all who read this. SPREADING OUR WINGS!

move countdown is 3 days. gonna be a very interesting little while. we got the go-ahead to fill our car[s?] up with a few preliminary boxes and take up the first bit of stuff tomorrow, since the previous occupant will be out by tonight. i've still gotta get my car fixed up, i guess that'll happen Monday. new battery probably, windshield wipers most definitely, maybe something else idk.

today packed up everything in the bathroom except the essentials for the next couple days, and started packing the kitchen stuff away. gotta get a second opinion on exactly what in there is ours lol. i kinda want... to get the breadbox from the kitchen since it's mine. we'll see if there's room in the new place. don't want to take it and then end up having to shove it in a corner somewhere.

getting some stuff done on my games, mostly pokemon, that i've been putting off. some downloads and such. especially because THE EON TICKET IS FINALLY HAPPENING and i need it. i can get Latios finally. ;^; and i need to go on my Y version and figure out how to transfer a box full of pokemon over to my brother's pokemon bank because i owe them to him. he doesn't actually want them or will use them at all but he knows i'm moving away and so he will mostly lose access to them. and like i said they are his and i accidentally moved them onto my game in the first place lol so. yeah.

a thing we're going to do today is sit down together and just. write. write down what we think and say. because thoughts are good but so fleeting and recording them helps us anchor sometimes.

idk man. IDK. i'm really... happy. really inspired by this weird thing we've got going on, me and Hiccup. all i want to do is write and draw and work on things about it. and i'm sure it'll pass and things will change and that's fine. but this is... such a rapid period of growth right now. just so much learning. Things that I used to dread I actually kinda look forward to now and that's just... fucking crazyballs. What are you doing to me.

WHY WHEN I ACTUALLY LOSE THE ENTRY I'M WORKING ON IS THE ONLY TIME IT DOESN'T SAVE A DRAFT GO FUCK URSELF UPDATE PAGE


ugh. ughhhHH ok basics of what I wrote

- nervous about moving day coming a lot sooner than expected when this winter storm has been dangling its balls in our faces for so long I haven't been able to get out and get anything done
- it's COLD AS FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK in north carolina right now, cold as the Void, cold as between
- getting close to being able to draw my dragonself, gotta get rid of this self consciousness about drawing the same things over and over, THAT'S LITERALLY THE ONLY WAY YOU IMPROVE AT DRAWING THINGS SELF


yeah that's about it. goddamnit livejournal get ur shit together plz. now i have to get dressed and bundle up HUGELY WELL AND GO TO WORK BYE.

just had a shower and feels good man.

been a very chill day. now that we have the lease signed [i have the parking pass for my car in my wallet!! guess I'd better stick it on there soon :D] there's SO much less stress. less tension in the home, they know we're getting the fuck out of their hair now for sure, so they're waiting much more patiently.

Hiccup's by my side as usual. last night i had him watch Avatar [James Cameron's, not airbender], and he liked it even more than I expected. i hadn't seen it in years so I kinda forgot about the disabled protagonist thing, hah. he dug that. [he's really strongly compassionate about disabled folks, which I guess makes sense although he doesn't see himself as 'disabled' AT ALL but i mean. 1.5 legs. so lol] and i also forgot about the Thanator and its weirdly strong resemblance to a giant, satanic night fury. [like it even has the 4-6 erectile ear plates on the head???] so yeah he was really into that. and oh my god the ikran. last night was the first time I ever saw tears in his eyes. the first flight scene got him, when he realized that the bond between na'vi and ikran was physical and what that meant... the idea of physically feeling the wind in his wings really struck home. i could take him on a rollercoaster, ride on a horse at full speed, even fly in a little open-cockpit plane again... i can't give him that feeling. wish i could.

we MEANT to stay up really late and watch his source material a little later on, but i made the mac and cheese and then just fell asleep LOL. so we watched it today instead. i still can't believe how good that fucking movie is, like what the hell. it's a sequel, a DREAMWORKS sequel, and it's that good?! they'll never be able to make shit sequels again now that they've proven they know better lolol. also i noticed that the DVD case says trilogy, so i assume the next movie whenever it comes out, maybe 2019?? will be the last one. i hope so. i'm ready for just one more.

so i'm kinda thinking of... growing my hair out a little bit. hah! after shaving it so closely for seven years! i won't deny that there's no influence from certain nerds going on :v not that i could ever get that glorious animated artful tousle going on in real life. but also i think maybe it'll let me pass as male more easily. nothing long, just maybe have a mop of hair to ruffle instead of always shaved. i dunno, it may not last at all, i get so frustrated when it grows out past a certain length lol. maybe if i really really keep on top of washing it it will be less annoying. we'll just see what happens.

Need to do my taxes here soon so the refund comes in by moving time! I'm doing pretty well on money all things considering, but once all's said and done I'll probably be pretty broke again haha -_- but still! I have the funds to get done what needs done, I think! hopefully! :B gonna get stuff done on my car, gonna get a couple things from ikea probably, get some supplies for Murphy... yup.

the other night at work a car pulled into the drive thru window, and the passenger had one freshly bandaged leg propped up on the dash. and there was, quite clearly, no foot on the end of that leg. and i felt Hiccup take a little breath and heard a soft noise beside me. there was a silent, sort of sad but sort of amused "welcome to the club" in the guy's general direction.

kinda toying with the idea of binding for work tonight. it might work. we'll see. wednesdays are always a bit of a wild card, could be busy or could be slow, idk. Hiccup will be with me to prevent panic attacks that often happen when i bind and the damn thing starts riding up on me [because once it starts it doesn't stop and the pressure from the rolling up has kind of a bucking bronco effect on me and makes me freak out somewhat].

yup. what else. they're doing work on what used to be my room. the vibe of it being mine really is almost gone, with the floor ripped out and  the walls almost all painted that gross peach color instead of my handsome grey and blue... sigh. at least the blinds i bought and the ceiling will be the same.


oh yeah! i guess i officially inherited the Wii now. and then promptly fucked it up. -^- went out looking for it to put the covers on the wiimotes and found out they'd gone ahead and detached it and put it up somewhere, so i took it and ended up putting it in my room for cleaning, and then decided why not just set it up. and i found out that shit can play Gamecube games so i set it up and started playing Wind Waker, but mom knocked on the door and in getting up I tugged the damn thing off the table by the controller cord, and it fell in the floor. the console is fine thank god, but the panel that covers the controller ports broke. :/ maybe they have replacements at save point. i MIGHT be able to glue the little pieces of the panel back on, but... no promises. it's just cosmetic but it makes me sad. BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS it works fine and is backwards compatible which i didn't even know, and i have gotten it cleaned up of all the gross film that it was coated in from my brother's grubby hands all over it, haha. and i got the new squishy cases and batteries for the remotes, so.


so now it's time for Hiccup and me to head to work. i love working that Wednesday between three days off, it's always a breeze and tonight should be even easier than usual. and then TOMORROW.... is the last day before Majora's Mask. oh myyy god. i'm gonna poop.

WHOOP didn't update for a few days. actually kind of a good reason for that BECAUSE:

slowly started packing on saturday, got my books packed up, then about an hour before i had to go to work stepdad came in and said he wanted us to move half the room so he could tear up the floor. like, right then. when i was already tired from packing up the bookshelf and about to go into the worst night of the week. like... wellp. so that happened and i was freaking out of my mind tired at work. and then yesterday, sunday, we moved the other half of the room and got officially moved out and such. so sunday morning was my last night sleeping in that room.

they tore up my bedframe. the one i've had since i was 11. has the names of old loves and long gone headmates scratched into the headboard. i knew it was coming but i'm still sad about it. and it rained today and i just watched the headboard outside get ruined and it made me sad. i'm a sentimental thing. this morning when i got home from work i took the hooks out from the wood, the ones i screwed in years ago by hand. so at least i have that.

so yeah now we're in this little room for a while. it's very tiny. less than half the size of the old room. other than the size and the weird smell in here it's ok. i can deal with it for 6 weeks. even if i have to spend 2 or 3 of them alone ugh. because bb still has to be gone by the 28th for... some reason... i still don't understand why he has to move out two weeks before i do like it makes a difference at all... who knows all i know is soon i'll be done dealing with all of this poop and instead i get to deal with the poop of leasing offices and such :v

arty seems to rather like the new room. even though he was very stressed out and confused yesterday and we left the house for a bit to escape the sound of my bedframe being shredded [we went to Red Bowl and got SO MUCH goddamn sushi it was glorious], and when we came home and opened the door he was SO happy and opened his wings and made kissy faces at me with his neck stretched out and let out the most loud and heartfelt "PRETTY BIRDDDD" that i've ever heard. im cry it was so sweet. baby ;^; but now today he is climbing all over everywhere, climbed in my jewelry box and rustled around all of the necklaces. and discovered THE CLOSET. oh my god i forgot how much he loves closets. he's had one for all of like 6 months of the time he's lived with me. and he LOVES to climb around in the hangers and nest in the necks of jackets and omg. it's so fucking cute. makes clucking chicken noises and lasers and. baby bird. i love him so much. my feather son.



uhhh what else. wORK KEEPS HAPPENING i'm finally off tomorrow but it's gonna be just like last tuesday, where i don't get a whole lot of sleep because we gotta wake up early to go into charlotte. only this time it might be slightly worse LOL because i'm in this new room and so far i can not sleep at all in here. BUT... it'll be worth it. all these sleepless nights are worth it. going to sign the lease tomorrow. tomorrow i should officially have an apartment to my name. yessss.

last night i was feeling super freaking sentimental and shit idk. i was really tired and my brain felt like a void, not just empty space but like a big disconnect between my brain and my senses. it was hard to focus on hearing or sight. and my connection to headspace was really really tenuous so i had to front pretty much alone the whole time, although i could at least hear and interact with the others some. but i made it through work anyway somehow.

but late last night i sent Bird like this big looong heartfelt text hahaha. idk i have just been feeling like i'm too clingy and been self conscious about texting people too much and getting on their nerves or pushing them away somehow. and i have no idea if it's at all based in fact or just my brain telling me lies or... idk at all. so i just wanted her to know that she's not obligated to talk to me if she doesn't have anything to say. i was just having all these feels about getting animals to trust me, what a learning experience that was for me. learning as i grew older to reach out to touch and not to grab hold. reaching out to be met halfway. that's how you earn the trust of a wild thing. idk i'm getting self conscious writing all this hahah. ugh i hope any of this makes sense. i'm SO SILLY help lots of stuff i want to say but don't even know how.



so yeah... been spending today slowly putting the room together. two thirds of my things are downstairs/packed up, because this is such a temporary arrangement it's pointless to get everything out and then put it back. so. i'm just glad i finally had a relatively normal and chilled out day because the last two or three have been SO busy and crazy. and tomorrow is a big day too. so for once i got to breathe today. and it's already almost over siiiggghhh. at least i work only until 5 [read: 5:30] and not 6 this week so i get 5 hours sleep instead of 4???? lol??? that is if i manage to fall asleep relatively quickly.

so today was a loooooong ass day haha. but it went pretty much as planned. so.

ya slept for 4 hours and had to wake up and was SO. TIRED. just a zombie the whole day. because i was sleep deprived enough to laugh at really stupid shit ["the letter A which stands for A big piece of shit who loves crime!" "Professor Suck-amore... of my dick!"] and forgot to eat before we left.

but. we got there and the apartment is fine. it's pretty much fine. although it's on the top floor and i am going to d i e lugging stuff up all of those stairs oh my god. gonna be so buff.
it's rly nice because they actively want us to be part of the APARTMENT and not just move 100% of our things into our room, they stressed that the last two people they'd rented to were really hermity and didn't like to come out of their rooms and they wanted us to not do that. not like they're pressuring us but they want us to feel relaxed and hang out with them. which is really awesome. and i said absolutely. although i do have times that i need to hermit for a while of course. which is fine. both of those things are fine. and they fed me this eggs and hash brown and bacon stuff in a bowl with ketchup and it was delicious -w- and i drank sweet tea from a mason jar and filtered water out of a Michelangelo TMNT cup with little ice balls instead of cubes. yep.
our room looks ok. perfectly acceptable. not too tiny or gross or anything that immediately sticks out as not good. and they said we can paint if we want to. which is awesome. and the fact that they basically ASKED us to put some of the furniture we're moving in around the apartment instead of just our room... helps haha. so like the birds might hang out in the living room or something. idk yet. we're kinda winging it.

but yeah we did paperwork and filed the application and the lady was REALLY chill and put me at ease. sadly she's about to retire and be gone but i'm just glad i got to meet her and that she was there for my initial nerves to calm down. unfortunately, bb didn't bring his pay stubs so we've got to go back up there Thursday and drop both of ours off. but it won't interfere with our application process from what i understand. we'll know in about a week either way. which is rly great and needed. and it SOUNDS like there's really nothing that will keep us from getting approved, it doesn't sound like they're crazy strict or that we have anything that sticks out as a problem. so i guess i should tell my mom that we have a place?? i'm kinda nervous to do that since we again don't know 100% sure, only about 95%... idk. i don't want her to freak out again and shorten the time we have any more than has already happened.

speaking of time limits, my prospective roommates [one of which was wearing a shirt featuring Batman riding Toothless btw, oh my god] were talking about maybe trying to convince their current roomie to move out a little earlier, to help us with the awkward period in early March before we'll be able to move in there.

as far as like spiritual energy goes, the vibe in there was... idk, stagnant? like it resonated with us, was a kindred feel, but also felt like it wasn't being properly expressed. part of that might have involved the current roommate not jiving with the whole pagan thing, which he might not even do idk. [he was slightly creepy. like he seemed nice!! but his room was full of miscellaneous weapons of all kinds, knives on the floor by the bed etc. and when i went to see the room and noticed the open window J told me "he likes it cold... and dark. i think the caves in Afghanistan left an impression" and that was a little... creepy. also being warned when i checked out the closet that it might be full of guns. haha] so like i'm looking forward to REALLY SPRUCING THE PLACE UP WITH WITCHY SHIT. which i think they will happily accomodate, maybe even actively take part in, who knows. :3

so yeah we went and checked out a couple places nearby [the library is so close i might could walk there oh my god] and then drove home. in scary levels of traffic. like i'd probably be ok but bb is prone to the occasional fender bender and SHIT SCARES ME LOL. esp since his car has pretty shitty rear visibility. i will never not be a worried silly thing. SORRY BUT I WORRY ABOUT THINGS AND PEOPLE THAT ARE PRECIOUS TO ME IS THAT SO WEIRD?


headspace stuff:

- Toy Soldier is fucking everywhere the past few days. ghosting outside the body, staring at me with those sharp, fierce yet blank eyes. when i've been overcome with anxiety he's been steadying me. making me stand at attention. he ghosted while i was in the shower and actually did something AMAZINGLY smart. he made me do these breathing exercises, by conducting me. giving cues to how to breathe and controlling my breath using his hands. Toy Soldier is nonverbal, although he can communicate with music, but he never speaks. just stares at me or does spooky ghost shit and such. but he started conducting my breathing, made me stare into his eyes while standing at attention and raised and lowered his hands just like we did in band to control our breathing and volume. and it relaxed me so much. it's ridiculous how my headpeople come up with ideas that would have NEVER occurred to me. like. what. i'm so thankful for the Toy Soldier. he is absolutely getting a shrine when i move. among others. i got out my old marching uniform tonight and just... put on the jacket. i don't fit into it anymore at all but i just took a deep breath and smelled it. made sure the bibbers and jacket were still dry and clean and safe. that the plume wasn't any more moth-eaten than it was when i got it. i just hold it occasionally and feel the vibes run through me.

- Hiccup.... ahahaha. he won't fucking meet my eyes. you big nerd. SO BASICALLY we've realized that i'm no different in headspace than i am outside with other people, that is to say, if i get sufficiently close to ANY friend i start crushing on them. and it's a little awkward always but in a happy way. but Hiccup is just so... LOL. like he won't meet my eyes right now. there's no bad vibes coming off him he's just like. so shy and confused lmao. i don't think he knows how he feels. you just have to understand that 1: i make friends with people that I think are really good people and 2: I crush on same said types of people pretty consistently. and the main result of that is that i end up getting kinda intimate with sufficiently closely bonded friends. this kinda ties into my "what the fuck is romance and friendship where is the line i literally have no line between the two" thing LOL. and hiccup is so awkward and it's so funny. AND ROANE IS NOT HELPING ONE TINY LITTLE BIT oh my god. i love her. but also i'm irredeemable Fictive Loving Trash. put me directly in the dump. but yeah Hiccup plz relax none of this means A Single Thing no matter what Bird & co say to tease us lmfao. it's nothing. just the way i naturally bond with my fellow humans.

- Also seeing Kyo a lot!! at least relatively a lot. more than before. i called her and she answered. she will always answer. having her around is a HUGE comfort, i swear. and i wasn't prepared for the amount of pure ken, the power she hefts in headspace. it's not surprising since the System literally built itself around her in its first incarnation as the nameless House. she is, in some ways, the foundation of headspace as it stands today. and yet she's not a deity, just a canid-fox science girl who runs around mostly nude and is in love with people and stars. not much ever changes.

- thing we've been doing with Hiro: trust exercises. he's slowly growing past the 'stuck at the front' stage and wants to explore. meaning the city. and i'm still locked out and can't enter the city and don't really have time/energy to work on that so i'm a little scared to let him go, in case i can't find him again. so we have a small blue ribbon tied to a finger on both our hands. if one of us tugs on our end, the other tugs in response to assure them that they're safe and sound. i just don't want him to feel smothered haha. but this helps ease my Mama Hen Anxiety.



also i learned that Roane is not pronounced "roe anne" like i have been saying it since literally three years ago oh my god. i am garbage. mispronouncing people's names is THE WORST I'M THE WORST LMFAO. it's pronounced like roan like the reddish horse color. at least now i know. but i talk about her so much to bb that now i'm stumbling over my words like "Roa-... shit"

list of things i should look into doing in preparation for the move:


- get an oil change and stuff done on the Cruiser so it can handle long distance driving better. done! ish. it's still a high mileage car and will complain a little :c
- buy a little extra oil/power steering fluid so i can replenish the car whenever it needs, poor thing is gonna be doing quite a bit more driving than it's used to. thank god gas is cheap now ;;
- collect boxes from work. store them either in the car or downstairs or something until i need them.
- clean out my car really good. just go to jimmy clean, get the cheap wash and throw out/vacuum everything.
- figure out how to collapse/remove the seats in the back of the Cruiser for moving big things and lots of boxes. that is so fucking useful and neat man YEH i love my car. i hope it lives forever.
- WASH EVERYTHING. this won't be until later but might want to invest in like my own bottle of cleaner because i'm going to have to clean EVERYTHING. i mean everything except like, the books and other paper. every single altar tool will be cleaned. everything dusted, washed of cobwebs or whatever [this room has AWFUL cobwebs. i think it's just because of the chimney. if you don't keep on top of it the cobwebs are terrible in here!]


so yeah we are starting to be IN TALKS with our friends in the city regarding the move. barring some crazy unforeseen circumstances, this is probably gonna happen. we've got like one or two more avenues we want to check out just so we can say we've sussed out all of our possible options. [except the dad thing. i guess i've chickened out of that since we found another option. for now.] and then i think we're going up there to see them and take bb to a nearby job interview on Tuesday, which is my next day off so. yes. :3

woke up really realy early today and took the car to the shop. the guy told me that the power steering fluid was leaking like crazy, which i of course knew already. he just wanted to make sure i was refilling it regularly. there's no way i could ignore that awful whine/vibration when it gets low, so yes of course i am. i'd be terrified to break something in the power steering if there was no fluid o_o so the car is a lot happier now, hopefully it'll stay that way! i actually took it for an oil change AND tune up, but he said we already did one recently [august??? was that recent enough?? lol] and it wasn't in need of another one. so, ok. whatever makes the Cruiser happy haha.


idk what happened exactly but Bird & co. had a really rough day yesterday and UGH WHY DON'T I HAVE LIKE $800 RIGHT NOW SO I CAN GO FLY THERE AND TAKE CARE OF THEM -n- it's like 8 am there right now and they're not awake yet of course but like jfkasjdlaksbna FREN IS IN DISTRESS unacceptable. >:C

i want to get the question of where exactly we're moving to be answered as soon as possible, because i'm pretty sure i know the answer, but that also leads to more questions, such as where exactly will i be staying for two-ish weeks starting a month from now? i won't be sleeping in my car or anything, but... i reeeeally don't want the experience of being cooped up in that tiny blue room living out of boxes while i listen to them dismantle my room that i put so much effort into. weh. :[ if only the previous tenant was moving out like... ten days earlier, even. the sucky thing is that not only Hiccup's birthday is gonna be during this mess, but even more importantly, bb's birthday is too! T_T so we'll be in upheaval and really broke. that sucks ass. but i will do my best to make it the best birthday he could imagine.

ya. so. i'mmm gonna have a nap or something :v and play more animal crossing. it's almost like i'm back to where i started, down to one game. [although animal crossing was like my 2nd or 3rd game for the system. but. DETAILS]

WELLP LIFE SURE IS REALLY HARD AND STRESSFUL ALL OF A SUDDEN!!!

went out looking for more apartment options. first place was closed, second place yet again wants three times the rent. i honestly believe it's just uncontrolled discrimination policy against poor people. who with shit like this have no choice but to live in crack addled hovels with people who wanna make trouble or would rob you for drug money. i could have afforded a studio apartment MYSELF!!! and still had money to live my life and save up a little money enough to scrape by no problem. at this place. but no. they want you to make an unreasonable amount of money.
so tomorrow we'll go back to the [honestly REALLY DAMN DEPRESSING AND SHITTY LOOKING and i would really have not wanted to check this place out if my friend hadn't suggested them to me] other apartments we checked today. they supposedly also have houses to look at if there are vacancies.

idk man all of this is making me feel so tired all the time. it's so depressing. i have done all the things that grown ups tell you you need when you're a kid. i have good credit, no debt, work plenty of hours at my job even though i'm not allowed to be full time, i do my taxes on time every year... and i still can't make myself a damn life. no one will let me. no one will give me a chance.

and i was lying around my room feeling really shitty about that when i realized... i don't know where my game case is. my fucking 3ds games. ALL of them except alpha sapphire and animal crossing. are missing. not only that but EVERY SINGLE POKEMON GAME from diamond and pearl onward is in that case. EVERY pokemon i own except my alpha sapphire team. are now missing. and i freaked RIGHT THE FUCK out. had a fucking melt down over some video games. tore my room up, looked in both our cars, nothing. i still can't find them. bb brought me food because i was depressed and didn't want to eat anything and then i wanted to eat even less because i was panicking like fucking crazy. the only things that calmed me down were roane talking to me, and then me remembering them being at home after the previous place i'd remembered them. so... i feel like they must be in this room somewhere. i'm still very very very intensely unhappy at not knowing the whereabouts of my games. but at least i have animal crossing and ONE pokemon game even if all else is lost forever. which... holy shit. i'll be beyond heartbroken. i'll be devastated. that is every pokemon i have raised in the last eight years or so. hundreds of them. the first and only shiny i've caught and raised, Kismet the Dragalge. my beloved Jacky, the Talonflame. they're all nowhere to be found. please please please let me find them. we'll be packing everything in here up before too long so... i guess if the games are here to be found, then we'll find them. god i hope. my heart breaks every few minutes worrying. smash is in there, ocarina of time, tomodachi life is in there and everyone is gonna be so upset with me for leaving them alone for so long... fuuuuuUUUCK. if i find it today or tomorrow i'll gratefully feel like an idiot for waxing so melodramatic about this because THIS IS REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT TO ME OK. THESE GAMES ARE DEARER TO MY HEART THAN MOST THINGS IN THE WORLD HOLY SHIT. some of my most treasured possessions, my 3DS games. particularly my pokemon games. if i lost them all i don't even... know where i'd start to begin again. how can you even build up that much history over again.


so yeah. life is really... hard right now. in a lot of ways. shit piling up from a lot of angles. but we'll keep going. there's no other option. i'm really mad about the inevitable blowing up of my 'stress' tag but. moving is stressful. finding a house is fucking stressful as shit particularly this time. what are you gonna do.


edit: you know what i wanna end this with a good vibe SO: barring the shitty couple of weeks in the beginning of march, it looks like, should we choose to accept it, we have that room in charlotte with our friends. i'm more than willing to take it especially since they changed their mind about Murphy having to stay in one room. [they just want to vacuum more often and since we have a BRAND NEW VACUUM... i'm totally willing to take over part or all of vac duties lol] but bb wants to explore all our options first. he wants us to live alone. which i would also love but honestly seeing the absolute shit way apartments seem to do things, i'm starting to give up on that with our income the way it is. unless we both somehow find $20 an hour jobs... not happening. BUT it doesn't matter as much because i THINK we have a place. we have one pretty well ensured. i don't see anything crazy happening to catch us off guard. so i want to get paperwork done as soon as possible.

All we can think about today is doing things in the new place. Any game I want to play, I imagine watching important cutscenes playing out on our [eventual] new flatscreen, sitting on the living room floor staring up at the tv. Or handheld, still curled up in the floor, not stuck in my room.

This is suddenly so fucking important to me. Like it was important for life before, that I find my own place, but I was kinda happy just dicking about in this room for a while. But I know how awfully stagnant it's made me. That needs to end. And now we've got the chance. Now every time I feel tired at work I remind myself of the apartment shining in the possible future. Every time I'm tempted to go out and eat, I think about the apartment. It's under my skin now, in a way I might should have avoided letting something I haven't even started paperwork on yet get to me.
We go to apply up there tomorrow, and if I said I would have been upset about losing the little rental house, I think I'll be about 12 times more upset if we don't manage this one, even though it's an apartment. It's just such a damn good opportunity. This has to work. It just has to. The speed bumps are few and relatively small as far as we can currently see. Please let this work. I'm going to have to work hard tomorrow to not be eaten up by nerves.


Hiro has been around today, which is really refreshing. He's not been doing all that well in headspace, at least compared to how Hiccup started out, which is our only point of reference. The feeling I get is that he's really not all that pleased to find himself here, separated from the life he remembers, and honestly wouldn't mind at all if he just faded away and demanifested. So he's not trying to live, you know what i mean? Which is not something we want. We're quite attached to the kid, especially Hiccup, so we're doing what we can to make life here more interesting for him. I think living in the city would help a lot with that. [Also, he loves pizza rolls, and junk food in general. No one tell Poe.]
We're re-doing his source material OST now because the original one was really low quality, and also some more music that resonates with him. Like Discovery. That album actually rings of several of us, one track even has Toy Soldier notes in it. [That song is I Want You Back, which is a Jackson 5 cover, and that particular song was heavily featured in the marching show of the band in Drumline. Which was a rather formative movie for me as a young'n. So. Yeah. Toy Soldier.]

Got our Twilight Princess/Hyrulian Crest lanyard in the mail today, got it with gamestop points. Very cool. I'm definitely thinking about making some Majora's Mask art to go in the lanyard fob thing and wear that to the game release. I think there's 19 days left as of today, before MM comes out? Hype man. So much hype.