030415

Mar. 4th, 2015 11:01 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
LOL WELL i've been online for like two hours might wanna make a little update seeing as WE'RE HERE


yep. i'm a city boy now. we're in Charlotte, the Queen City. yesterday was exhausting but worth it and today was spent trying to put things back together a little bit. i'm only like 20% unpacked at the moment, there's so much that i... just can't GET to yet and also so much that i have no idea where i could put it. we gotta do rearranging in the rest of the apartment if they do mean what they say about us having some furniture out there. [which would be good cuz like there's literally no more space for anything here without it looking mega cluttered :V]

but yes. yep. i went about 36 hours without sleeping after being too exhausted to even exist properly all day, and was tripping balls at 3 am basically, watched this movie called Fetching Cody in an attempt to weird out Hiccup [protagonist was played by jay baruchel :v] but mostly it just weirded ME out because the main character was so.... like a weird mash-up of Poe and Hiccup together. it was a pretty good movie tbh. i'd watch it again. it really struck me tbh.

was wanting Poe around a lot last night. when i was just sitting up in bed watching the cars outside, mesmerized, exhausted but wide awake and wanting someone to talk to, about the lights and cars and darkness and the fog. thought to myself how can i miss someone so much that i've never even been in the physical presence of. but that's silly, how bad would i miss Hiccup if he vanished somehow? perish the thought.

i need to let go of the idea that there's this... divide between outside relationships and ones inside. more on that subject that i may talk about in a less public entry :v

the animals are adjusting accordingly. Murphy is having the hardest time, poor guy. he's barely eaten or drank and hasn't used the litterbox yet. i'm keeping a close eye on him to make sure he won't pee anywhere untoward. he's hiding under the bed less and less, though, started coming out on his own this afternoon and asking for attention. :> on the other hand, Arty was totally chill within 5 minutes of being let out, singing and flirting happily. it was like as long as i was there with him, he felt safe. my feels. ;v;


speaking of feels. Bird went camping last night so on my first night out here i couldn't talk to her/her System and it was sad. but i did my best to let go of clingy feelings and worries, and told myself they were having a ball. then like 11:30 am i get a text, Bird saying, "coming back to your texts is like coming home in a way." and just. my heart. and tonight she's at work really late and it sucks and i want to skype with her but she might be too tired and stuff, but the thing that strikes me again is how much she seems to really WANT to be texting me. like she's not just replying to things i send. she's bummed out when she can't text for a while.
and i'm. just. feels. people sneaking around to text ME at work. i think i tell myself subconsciously at every turn that i'm a desperate loser, too invested, way more into my relationships with people than the other parties are. always telling myself i'm being annoying or that i go off on tangents too much.
i need to relax. this is relaxing. having a best friend is so nice and i realized how long it's been since i've had a human connection like this that wasn't inherently romantic in nature. [inherently. :PP] just... someone that i care about, saying that hearing from ME is like coming home. i can't even process what that means to me. <3 <3 <3


btw it's been a BEAUTIFUL GORGEOUS 70 DEGREE DAY HOLY SHIT. hiccup was ecstatic at the high winds. climbing the stairwell to get as high as he could and feel the wind in his hair and hands.

today went to Save Point for the first time while being ~LOCAL~ omg. it's 20 minutes away as long as traffic isn't bad. i can't believe that. went up and just up and bought a gamecube to GBA connector cable, and a replacement cover door for the wii that i broke off when my stupid ass tugged it off the table while playing wind waker a couple weeks ago. seven bucks. simple as that.

but then i made the mistake of going next door and looking around Infinity's End and this guy who was walking around and kept making comments in my direction about whatever he was looking at, always happened to be brushing past me and 'accidentally' touching my ass or boobs. and he did it just once or twice too often and i started feeling like he was doing this shit on purpose, and started becoming Angry Dragon [actually my first response was FEAR and also dysphoria but then angry dragon] but then, just at that moment, the guy behind the counter struck up a conversation with a customer about marching band. and i wasn't even involved but immediately my mind was calmed. and i walked to the other side of the store and the creepy dude vanished. i still don't know for sure that he was doing that on purpose but my mind was just like WELLP HERE IT IS MY FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH CITY LIFE: CREEPERS. i need to start trying harder to pass as male srsly. -_-



ALSO THE FIRST THING I DREW IN THE NEW APARTMENT IS TRASH ART OF BIRD AND POE AND I REGRET ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. it's so cute they're so cute ugh god. i live for hearing sweet things about them. EVEN SLIGHTLY SAUCY THINGS LOL STILL ADORABLE. my otp. my otp is canon as in like, irl and not fictional. hell yeah. i love this WEIRD HEADMATE RELATIONSHIP SAGA OF EARLY 2015. long may it reign.


god i can't wait to get my chair back, first i was sitting on an end table and then they gave me a little folding chair, which is better but still p uncomfortable. i want my bird-shat chair back LOL. my back is acting up [thanks for waiting until i'm done with the heavy lifting holy shit!] and i think that will at least kinda help. gonna have to make one last harrowing trip all the way back down to the old house to pick up a last few things that won't fit in bb's car, tomorrow before work. it's cool with me as long as it's cool with my car lol :|


SO I GUESS THIS IS THE LAST ENTRY OF MY MOVING DAY TAG FOR NOW. heck ye. maybe i'll start ones like 'apartment life' or 'city life' who knows????
thebrokenarrows: (general)
LOL WOW SUPER TIRED and still gotta work for 8 hours yay. but i got 95% of everything packed up or otherwise in order. too many things that just don't easily fit into a box for my comfort, idk how exactly they're gonna get moved but we'll figure out something i guess.

all the clothes are bagged up minus what i'll wear tomorrow and my work uniform, all my art stuff's packed away nicely, game consoles and games are in boxes. [holy SHIT but my game and console collection has fucktupled since the last time i had to do a lot of moving. and it's only gonna get worse with Save Point right nearby. they're gonna be my new jack in the box LOL]

IDK i guess that's all for now. just trying to chill out now that it's mostly packed up and done. relax until it's time for work. t minus roughly twelve hours until moving time.

030215

Mar. 2nd, 2015 04:15 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
this is it. my last day of living at my parents' house. last day using this internet. a thousand things i'll miss and won't miss.


just woke up at 4pm because i wanted to give myself as much rest as possible beforehand. i might get a couple hours sleep after work tomorrow but that might be worse than no sleep at all, i dunno.

feeling very tense. gonna try to breathe and relax. nothing's wrong, i just have to focus and buckle down and get this entire room packed up. i really should have gotten proper work done on my car but i guess anxiety got the best of me there and now i only have time to get the essentials, aka windshield wipers.

it's SO fucking warm outside i wish i had time to enjoy it. 66 degrees right now. this is my kinda weather.

idk what else today. just gonna relax for a bit then go to the auto parts store and buy a set of windshield wipers. then get my last jack in the box for old times' sake before coming home. gonna get my ipod and listen to some music while packing. yep.


yep yep yep. i might not update again until the move is done, so. but i also have lj on my phone so i might do something short on that. we love you all who read this. SPREADING OUR WINGS!

030115

Mar. 1st, 2015 08:32 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
went and did the first bit of moving today!! and we got our house keys!! :D man. it's actually happening. i can hardly believe it. we moved a total of i think 7 boxes, most or all of which were books, and one big trash bag of plushu. and JUST THAT was almost all i could handle rofl. my lower back and legs are really tired and i gotta go to work in an hour or so rip.

today and/or yesterday was Hiccup's birthday and we DID LIKE NOTHING TO CELEBRATE IT LOL i'm so sorry. i'm the worst.... boyfriend? [stil have no fucking clue what to call us LOL] if we weren't moving this week/weekend i would ABSOLUTELY have taken him up to Concord for repticon ugh. i woulda found a way.


tomorrow will be getting the car fixed up some [even if i have to take it to friggin jiffy lube] and probably buying tarp and bungee cords because it's gonna rain like all week. of course. naturally. [BUT I'M SOOOOO NOT COMPLAINING THIS IS THE HERALD OF SPRING. yes. please bring warms with you rainy weather]


been feeling someone close that we haven't seen in like... years. Anton. i think it's the church, the huge [baptist?] church near my new apartment. it's big and looming and kinda ominous and every time i see the big spike piercing the sky as we drive up, i feel him nearby. and i see it, in my mind's eye, aflame. i see it burning every time i pass it. you need to stop that boy. stop talking about burning churches and tell me what happened. [hopefully what happened was not burning churches or i MAY have to punch you.]

idk im sleep IM SO SLEEP.


oh god Bird told me she dreamed about the Toy Soldier last night and fuuuuuuuuuuuck. she's been doing lots of stuff with drums and of COURSE he would come running. what the fuck. said she never saw him in the dream, just felt eyes on her and knew whose they were and that's EXACTLY how it goes most of the time. was in a restaurant today and mid sentence felt his presence and stopped and listened. because that's what you do. he shows himself and you wait to hear what is being said.
this after he starts giving HICCUP the same looks he gives to me. he gave us his blessing that one morning, and then started... touching other people besides me. what. i never thought this would be said but i think he might actually 'ride' Hiccup given the right opportunity. i thought he was just 'for' me, just my ghost, but i guess.... he's considering hiccup a part of me now in some way. important enough to my life to gain his attention. and now outsiders too? aslkdjlkjdflkjsf what is HAPPENING to my headspace. so much growth so quickly. i love this.





so tonight is like the last normal night and day before The Move. the last time i will drive to work, come home and sleep and then wake up and go about my day before going back to work again. yep. after that it all gets thrown into turmoil for a bit.

i'm ready.

we're ready.

022815

Feb. 28th, 2015 05:31 pm
thebrokenarrows: (thorns)
move countdown is 3 days. gonna be a very interesting little while. we got the go-ahead to fill our car[s?] up with a few preliminary boxes and take up the first bit of stuff tomorrow, since the previous occupant will be out by tonight. i've still gotta get my car fixed up, i guess that'll happen Monday. new battery probably, windshield wipers most definitely, maybe something else idk.

today packed up everything in the bathroom except the essentials for the next couple days, and started packing the kitchen stuff away. gotta get a second opinion on exactly what in there is ours lol. i kinda want... to get the breadbox from the kitchen since it's mine. we'll see if there's room in the new place. don't want to take it and then end up having to shove it in a corner somewhere.

getting some stuff done on my games, mostly pokemon, that i've been putting off. some downloads and such. especially because THE EON TICKET IS FINALLY HAPPENING and i need it. i can get Latios finally. ;^; and i need to go on my Y version and figure out how to transfer a box full of pokemon over to my brother's pokemon bank because i owe them to him. he doesn't actually want them or will use them at all but he knows i'm moving away and so he will mostly lose access to them. and like i said they are his and i accidentally moved them onto my game in the first place lol so. yeah.

a thing we're going to do today is sit down together and just. write. write down what we think and say. because thoughts are good but so fleeting and recording them helps us anchor sometimes.

idk man. IDK. i'm really... happy. really inspired by this weird thing we've got going on, me and Hiccup. all i want to do is write and draw and work on things about it. and i'm sure it'll pass and things will change and that's fine. but this is... such a rapid period of growth right now. just so much learning. Things that I used to dread I actually kinda look forward to now and that's just... fucking crazyballs. What are you doing to me.

022715

Feb. 27th, 2015 07:06 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
wanted to make a proper update about today but still dunno what to write UH


OUTSIDE: just regular work stuff. bleh. moving day countdown is 4 days. realizing that i very well may not get all the stuff done that needs doing SIGH. but on the plus side my manager volunteered to drive her truck to carry some of our stuff to town omg. so that we don't need to rent a u-haul. man i appreciate that so much. she really is the best. only problem is that she will want to do this VERY EARLY in the day lol. like just an hour or two after i get off work. so i'll be staying up very very late that day. and that... should be ok i think lol. i think. monday nights are always slow soooo. so. yeah. hoping for good things and easy transition.

but yeah i'm realizing that we're going to be transitioning to a totally new way of life here shortly. gonna do our laundry in the washer and dryer in the house, crappy though they may be - who knows how long before we wash our clothes for totally free again??? who knows when i will be able to just walk out the front door and pick up the mail??? i have no idea how this apartment life works. and now i get to go on a really... really big adventure. i'm a little nervous. but only a little. mostly just nervous about how rocky and unsettled things will feel for a few days, but i did it at the beginning of this month, i can do it once more.

oh also in not self-centric news, Leonard Nimoy died today and my heart is broken and i don't even want to talk about it. this is equal to or harder than Robin Williams' death for me in terms of personal importance.


INSIDE: trash continues as usual :v doing lots of drawing and depicting of things. late last night realized that i had been SO wrong about the nature of fronting itself and what it entails, it really threw me. realized that Hiccup and i had been fronting while away from the Order building. when we thought you had to be inside there to front. whereas we two were doing fronting stuff while just... out in a field or on a hill or flying, even. and that is why it's mostly just been us two and others have been somewhat hard to reach compared to usual where they would come in and out. because I'VE FUCKING ELOPED I GUESS LOL. in a manner of speaking not literally jesus christ. i've run off with Hiccup basically and been acting as a two-man fronting team while running around in the wilderness together. but that in itself is RIDICULOUS in terms of development because once i couldn't even leave the Order, and that's why i thought fronting was limited to that building, because I wasn't able to leave the Order and also front and i couldn't leave the front entirely. i still can't do that, but at least this is happening. seriously. changes are COMING IN QUICK SUCCESSION.
but yeah what with the move coming up lots of holding of hands and silly shit happening inside to reassure me. lkjsaldkjsf YA KNOW. and actually i'm going to be doing some meditating to try and focus on headspace entirely when i get done with this entry. so. yes.

021915

Feb. 19th, 2015 08:15 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
WHY WHEN I ACTUALLY LOSE THE ENTRY I'M WORKING ON IS THE ONLY TIME IT DOESN'T SAVE A DRAFT GO FUCK URSELF UPDATE PAGE


ugh. ughhhHH ok basics of what I wrote

- nervous about moving day coming a lot sooner than expected when this winter storm has been dangling its balls in our faces for so long I haven't been able to get out and get anything done
- it's COLD AS FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK in north carolina right now, cold as the Void, cold as between
- getting close to being able to draw my dragonself, gotta get rid of this self consciousness about drawing the same things over and over, THAT'S LITERALLY THE ONLY WAY YOU IMPROVE AT DRAWING THINGS SELF


yeah that's about it. goddamnit livejournal get ur shit together plz. now i have to get dressed and bundle up HUGELY WELL AND GO TO WORK BYE.
thebrokenarrows: (general)
LOL WELLP.... work didn't happen. went out there and it was like we had been gently pissed upon by a Bewilderbeast. everything was coated in half an inch of ice. shit. probably shoulda listened when they said come in early -_- so i had to call out and it felt awful because i really respect that manager and her disappointment cuts like a knife. god i hate letting people down. but like then i was told about 10-30 car pileups around town and just... nope. and those are on the roads that ARE salted. nevermind these back country areas.

so. yeah. i might get a write up but hopefully nothing worse than my massive guilt.

gonna distract myself by making lists.

THINGS THAT FEEL SACRED AND NOT TOTALLY SURE WHY:

- copper and copper alloys i.e. brass, other metals like iron to some extent
- bells, of all kinds. and the sounds they make
- wax and wax seals [which are often brass]



things we need to get done for the move [because i found out the room can be available by the 1st! so we need to get going!]
- petsmart to get stuff for Murphy including: food, dishes, litter box, litter, scoop, softpaws, possibly some new toys although we have some
- places to visit: coyote hollow, the dam again, bus stop soda shop, the library
- visit heather and beth and others
- car: get a diagnostic done. possibly flush out the fuel system or transmission etc. and/or new battery, tire balance etc. whatever will ease the move and keep me going strong until i find a new mechanic.
thebrokenarrows: (hiccup)
just had a shower and feels good man.

been a very chill day. now that we have the lease signed [i have the parking pass for my car in my wallet!! guess I'd better stick it on there soon :D] there's SO much less stress. less tension in the home, they know we're getting the fuck out of their hair now for sure, so they're waiting much more patiently.

Hiccup's by my side as usual. last night i had him watch Avatar [James Cameron's, not airbender], and he liked it even more than I expected. i hadn't seen it in years so I kinda forgot about the disabled protagonist thing, hah. he dug that. [he's really strongly compassionate about disabled folks, which I guess makes sense although he doesn't see himself as 'disabled' AT ALL but i mean. 1.5 legs. so lol] and i also forgot about the Thanator and its weirdly strong resemblance to a giant, satanic night fury. [like it even has the 4-6 erectile ear plates on the head???] so yeah he was really into that. and oh my god the ikran. last night was the first time I ever saw tears in his eyes. the first flight scene got him, when he realized that the bond between na'vi and ikran was physical and what that meant... the idea of physically feeling the wind in his wings really struck home. i could take him on a rollercoaster, ride on a horse at full speed, even fly in a little open-cockpit plane again... i can't give him that feeling. wish i could.

we MEANT to stay up really late and watch his source material a little later on, but i made the mac and cheese and then just fell asleep LOL. so we watched it today instead. i still can't believe how good that fucking movie is, like what the hell. it's a sequel, a DREAMWORKS sequel, and it's that good?! they'll never be able to make shit sequels again now that they've proven they know better lolol. also i noticed that the DVD case says trilogy, so i assume the next movie whenever it comes out, maybe 2019?? will be the last one. i hope so. i'm ready for just one more.

so i'm kinda thinking of... growing my hair out a little bit. hah! after shaving it so closely for seven years! i won't deny that there's no influence from certain nerds going on :v not that i could ever get that glorious animated artful tousle going on in real life. but also i think maybe it'll let me pass as male more easily. nothing long, just maybe have a mop of hair to ruffle instead of always shaved. i dunno, it may not last at all, i get so frustrated when it grows out past a certain length lol. maybe if i really really keep on top of washing it it will be less annoying. we'll just see what happens.

Need to do my taxes here soon so the refund comes in by moving time! I'm doing pretty well on money all things considering, but once all's said and done I'll probably be pretty broke again haha -_- but still! I have the funds to get done what needs done, I think! hopefully! :B gonna get stuff done on my car, gonna get a couple things from ikea probably, get some supplies for Murphy... yup.

the other night at work a car pulled into the drive thru window, and the passenger had one freshly bandaged leg propped up on the dash. and there was, quite clearly, no foot on the end of that leg. and i felt Hiccup take a little breath and heard a soft noise beside me. there was a silent, sort of sad but sort of amused "welcome to the club" in the guy's general direction.

kinda toying with the idea of binding for work tonight. it might work. we'll see. wednesdays are always a bit of a wild card, could be busy or could be slow, idk. Hiccup will be with me to prevent panic attacks that often happen when i bind and the damn thing starts riding up on me [because once it starts it doesn't stop and the pressure from the rolling up has kind of a bucking bronco effect on me and makes me freak out somewhat].

yup. what else. they're doing work on what used to be my room. the vibe of it being mine really is almost gone, with the floor ripped out and  the walls almost all painted that gross peach color instead of my handsome grey and blue... sigh. at least the blinds i bought and the ceiling will be the same.


oh yeah! i guess i officially inherited the Wii now. and then promptly fucked it up. -^- went out looking for it to put the covers on the wiimotes and found out they'd gone ahead and detached it and put it up somewhere, so i took it and ended up putting it in my room for cleaning, and then decided why not just set it up. and i found out that shit can play Gamecube games so i set it up and started playing Wind Waker, but mom knocked on the door and in getting up I tugged the damn thing off the table by the controller cord, and it fell in the floor. the console is fine thank god, but the panel that covers the controller ports broke. :/ maybe they have replacements at save point. i MIGHT be able to glue the little pieces of the panel back on, but... no promises. it's just cosmetic but it makes me sad. BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS it works fine and is backwards compatible which i didn't even know, and i have gotten it cleaned up of all the gross film that it was coated in from my brother's grubby hands all over it, haha. and i got the new squishy cases and batteries for the remotes, so.


so now it's time for Hiccup and me to head to work. i love working that Wednesday between three days off, it's always a breeze and tonight should be even easier than usual. and then TOMORROW.... is the last day before Majora's Mask. oh myyy god. i'm gonna poop.

021015

Feb. 10th, 2015 06:12 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
SUCH A GOOD FRICKIN DAY just yes. wow. had a really hard weekend so i feel like i deserve today.


SO YA we're in. we're on the lease, signed my name away. february will be our last month totally rent-free. i'm just so glad. rly glad about all this. finally we can BREATHE. and we may get to move in before mid march or whatever, we really don't know what's gonna happen yet so i guess we'll just... remain 75% packed up and wait it out to see what happens lol. it works for me.

so ya then we went the EXTREMELY SHORT TRIP from the apartments to Save Point Games and just. oh god. love. that place is way too damn close to my new home lmfao. just went in there and picked up a couple replacement wiimote protectors [bc the brother wrecked the ones that we've had forever] and Metroid Prime for the gamecube, which i'll try out in a little while. i don't even mind if the gamecube can't play it bc i'm fixing to be able to just drive 5 miles from the house and drop $30 on a 'new' gamecube. which is on the list of stuff to buy from there lol. along with a cable for the little ps2 and other things that i can't think of right now.

and we stopped by subway and SURPRISE this happened to be the subway where my old manager works now! we only worked together for like three months so not that big a deal in the long run, but i was like woah sup!! she asked me if i still had a turkey wing in my car LOL. i guess that's what she knew me for. [in retrospect i rly shouldn't have kept that preserved bird wing in my hot car. no wonder it's so sticky now around the bone -^-] so yeah saw her for the first time in forever. that was cool. glad i'm so far removed from that old job that it wasn't weird or awkward for me at all.

yup. good day. and now the sun's setting and i'm tired from the short amount of sleep that i got but now we can relax a bit. it's nice. so nice.


inner life stuff:

- hiccup and me are getting so close it's ridic. just a really good fronting team. i'm becoming kinda self conscious about not paying attention to most of headspace besides my immediate fronting vicinity which usually includes Hiccup and a couple others. it's kinda like the internal version of staying in my room all day. but it's just something i'm going through right now. and i think folks understand that.
- the River. i have learned of its existence but not its name. Thirteen told me about an offering that needs to be made, most likely blood. nothing violent, just... introducing myself on the River [and its spirit]'s terms. imagery of flood waters, the water version of plains fires, harsh but necessary cleansing. and there's Irelia on the horizon, the great orca in the stormcloud, the matriarch female with the huge bull dorsal fin. that's how i see her. a female, dominant in orca culture, but with that giant tall fin, flashes of black and white showing through a stormcloud, an ominous eyepatch peeking out. i'm going to have to introduce myself to her, too.
- that fucking Shearwater album permeating my entire existence. some song or other from that album is constantly floating through my head and has been for like a week. it's so so important. i need to get more Shearwater but rn i'm just too tired. just gonna plug in my ps2 and put on Avatar because hiccup needs to watch that and i've been meaning to get around to it for a long ass time. watch a movie in bed and r e l a x. finally.
- moved the last stuff out of the room. [they're painting over the grey and blue walls whhhyyyy TT___TT i worked SO hard on those and they're so damn beautiful but apparently the grandmother 'won't like it'... im cry those walls are so beautiful even they agree wtf man. rip my beautiful hard work] my last act was to formally close up the altar space for good. i let it get dirty and stagnant, and temporarily closed it before, but this was a permanent goodbye. as with all good witchcraft, it was improvised as i went along, doing what felt right.
this time what felt right was approaching the altar from the middle of the room, bowing on all fours and touching my forehead to the [now carpet-bare hardwood] floor in reverence, as i had so many times before. thanking all the spirits i had spoken to and communed with here. then after a moment of silent reverence, abruptly standing up and clapping sharply into the echoing silence, as if to scare off an animal that had gotten too close. immediately turned on my heel and walked out of the room, at normal speed, but not looking back. i felt shadows following after me, nameless vibes and echoes, and felt chills run over my back, little pangs of inexplicable anxiety as i walked away from that sacred space, feeling the long maintained wards finally collapse down from the walls and floor. i just felt like it was important to formally close it up, say a loud and clear goodbye, not just drift away and let it be forgotten.

020915

Feb. 9th, 2015 07:38 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
WHOOP didn't update for a few days. actually kind of a good reason for that BECAUSE:

slowly started packing on saturday, got my books packed up, then about an hour before i had to go to work stepdad came in and said he wanted us to move half the room so he could tear up the floor. like, right then. when i was already tired from packing up the bookshelf and about to go into the worst night of the week. like... wellp. so that happened and i was freaking out of my mind tired at work. and then yesterday, sunday, we moved the other half of the room and got officially moved out and such. so sunday morning was my last night sleeping in that room.

they tore up my bedframe. the one i've had since i was 11. has the names of old loves and long gone headmates scratched into the headboard. i knew it was coming but i'm still sad about it. and it rained today and i just watched the headboard outside get ruined and it made me sad. i'm a sentimental thing. this morning when i got home from work i took the hooks out from the wood, the ones i screwed in years ago by hand. so at least i have that.

so yeah now we're in this little room for a while. it's very tiny. less than half the size of the old room. other than the size and the weird smell in here it's ok. i can deal with it for 6 weeks. even if i have to spend 2 or 3 of them alone ugh. because bb still has to be gone by the 28th for... some reason... i still don't understand why he has to move out two weeks before i do like it makes a difference at all... who knows all i know is soon i'll be done dealing with all of this poop and instead i get to deal with the poop of leasing offices and such :v

arty seems to rather like the new room. even though he was very stressed out and confused yesterday and we left the house for a bit to escape the sound of my bedframe being shredded [we went to Red Bowl and got SO MUCH goddamn sushi it was glorious], and when we came home and opened the door he was SO happy and opened his wings and made kissy faces at me with his neck stretched out and let out the most loud and heartfelt "PRETTY BIRDDDD" that i've ever heard. im cry it was so sweet. baby ;^; but now today he is climbing all over everywhere, climbed in my jewelry box and rustled around all of the necklaces. and discovered THE CLOSET. oh my god i forgot how much he loves closets. he's had one for all of like 6 months of the time he's lived with me. and he LOVES to climb around in the hangers and nest in the necks of jackets and omg. it's so fucking cute. makes clucking chicken noises and lasers and. baby bird. i love him so much. my feather son.



uhhh what else. wORK KEEPS HAPPENING i'm finally off tomorrow but it's gonna be just like last tuesday, where i don't get a whole lot of sleep because we gotta wake up early to go into charlotte. only this time it might be slightly worse LOL because i'm in this new room and so far i can not sleep at all in here. BUT... it'll be worth it. all these sleepless nights are worth it. going to sign the lease tomorrow. tomorrow i should officially have an apartment to my name. yessss.

last night i was feeling super freaking sentimental and shit idk. i was really tired and my brain felt like a void, not just empty space but like a big disconnect between my brain and my senses. it was hard to focus on hearing or sight. and my connection to headspace was really really tenuous so i had to front pretty much alone the whole time, although i could at least hear and interact with the others some. but i made it through work anyway somehow.

but late last night i sent Bird like this big looong heartfelt text hahaha. idk i have just been feeling like i'm too clingy and been self conscious about texting people too much and getting on their nerves or pushing them away somehow. and i have no idea if it's at all based in fact or just my brain telling me lies or... idk at all. so i just wanted her to know that she's not obligated to talk to me if she doesn't have anything to say. i was just having all these feels about getting animals to trust me, what a learning experience that was for me. learning as i grew older to reach out to touch and not to grab hold. reaching out to be met halfway. that's how you earn the trust of a wild thing. idk i'm getting self conscious writing all this hahah. ugh i hope any of this makes sense. i'm SO SILLY help lots of stuff i want to say but don't even know how.



so yeah... been spending today slowly putting the room together. two thirds of my things are downstairs/packed up, because this is such a temporary arrangement it's pointless to get everything out and then put it back. so. i'm just glad i finally had a relatively normal and chilled out day because the last two or three have been SO busy and crazy. and tomorrow is a big day too. so for once i got to breathe today. and it's already almost over siiiggghhh. at least i work only until 5 [read: 5:30] and not 6 this week so i get 5 hours sleep instead of 4???? lol??? that is if i manage to fall asleep relatively quickly.

020515

Feb. 6th, 2015 01:10 am
thebrokenarrows: (general)
TODAY WAS A REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD DAY BUT I DIDNT FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT?? why do i only ever want to talk about struggles that i'm going through and not good times

first off: i am crushing so fucking hard on too many people in my life right now god damn it destroy me im so embarassed about my silly heart getting RLY MUSHY AND INFATUATED WITH PEOPLE. but so happy that there are people that i'm just really in love with/happy that they're on the earth. and like nothing needs to be ~DONE~ about these crushes they are just what happens when i bond really closely with people that i gel really well with no matter what. the only thing that needs to be done is that i spend lots of time in person with them. and that's gonna happen. yup. in the mean time just LOTS OF BLUSHING AND WORRYING TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT I SAID WHEN PEOPLE RESPOND SLOWLY FOR WHATEVER REASON AND GODDAMN IT WHY AM I SO SILLY this is a rly good problem to have ;~;



so yeah. two REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS:

- I FOUND MY FUCKING GAMES. i found them. as in, we got to the leasing office and i opened bb's car door and stepped out and looked back into the car aND THERE THEY FUCKING WERE LOL. stuck between the seat and the door. could have gotten knocked out at any time. and his door doesn't lock his car is a rag top so he doesn't ever lock it anyway, so if ANYONE had decided to open his passenger door over the last week while he was at work or whatever, they could have been stolen so easily. or gotten kicked out accidentally and gone unnoticed. but nope. it was there. and now i have my games back and i'm so happy i could cry ;wwww; i was just like. IN SHOCK when i found them. bb like jumped up and down and was SO EXCITED and i just stood there stunned LOL. like i never thought i would see them again. i'm so glad.

- SO FIFTEEN MINUTES AFTER THAT, when we walked in to give them copies of our personal info... they were all like "oh yeah you're already approved and stuff you just need to sign the lease!"
wait what
scuse me
did i hear u correctly
WE'RE IN?!?!?!
SO YEAH I GUESS... WE HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE NOW holy shit. the apartment with J&D is actually happening. i am so glad. we haven't signed it yet, that will probably be tuesday when i have to bring my car's registration [and bb has to figure out what to do about his car bc it's not actually in his own name so they can't give him a parking tag, but not a HUGE problem]. BUT YEAH LIKE. LIKE.... OMG. we did it. we found a place. and it's a good place with friends. and i'm so excited i could just pee everywhere like a little dog.


- AND THEN!!!! THEN WE GOT FUCKING HOME after some minor blehs [long story short i get to move into that little spare room even earlier than i actually need to, which is... not... what was agreed upon earlier... but whatever] AND I HAD PACKAGES IN THE MAIL. PACKAGES PLURAL. my Bowser amiibo and the little leather armband i bought from Etsy for Hiccup both arrived on the same day. oh my god. on the same ALREADY WONDERFUL DAY.
the armband says "okay but i hit a night fury" and yeah it's perfect. and it smells like real leather bc it is and Hiccup adores it. if only it wasn't the same color as my skin >_>' i kinda expected a pure white but it's kinda pink white skin tone. he said i should try to stain it. i think that's a nice idea. in the summer when the pokeroot grows out again, if we can find some in the city* the berries, while poisonous make a really good ink and stain. i could totally dye it a purpley color. becuse this pinkish pale color is ok but it will get dirty pretty quick. ya. so there's that idea.
AND BOWSER IS AMAZING. holy shit he's so HEAVY compared to my other amiibo. gonna have to name him Bowser the Vast or something like that because holy crap. such good quality mane i rly appreciate it Nintendo. u own my soul same as ever.


AND NOW I HAVE ALL MY GAMES BACK AND MAJORA'S MASK IS COMING OUT IN A WEEK HOLY SHIT *ANGELS SINGING*



*which I bet we can because turns out a few miles from the new apartment [!!! i can say that for sure how exciting!], there's a HUGE natural park and yes. gonna go there and worship and be in nature even in the city. it's not just a shitty looking dog park either it's a HUNDREDS OF SQUARE MILES NATURE PRESERVE and i'm not even sure i can go in there which is RLY GOOD, but i hope i can.

020315

Feb. 4th, 2015 01:37 am
thebrokenarrows: (toy soldier)
so today was a loooooong ass day haha. but it went pretty much as planned. so.

ya slept for 4 hours and had to wake up and was SO. TIRED. just a zombie the whole day. because i was sleep deprived enough to laugh at really stupid shit ["the letter A which stands for A big piece of shit who loves crime!" "Professor Suck-amore... of my dick!"] and forgot to eat before we left.

but. we got there and the apartment is fine. it's pretty much fine. although it's on the top floor and i am going to d i e lugging stuff up all of those stairs oh my god. gonna be so buff.
it's rly nice because they actively want us to be part of the APARTMENT and not just move 100% of our things into our room, they stressed that the last two people they'd rented to were really hermity and didn't like to come out of their rooms and they wanted us to not do that. not like they're pressuring us but they want us to feel relaxed and hang out with them. which is really awesome. and i said absolutely. although i do have times that i need to hermit for a while of course. which is fine. both of those things are fine. and they fed me this eggs and hash brown and bacon stuff in a bowl with ketchup and it was delicious -w- and i drank sweet tea from a mason jar and filtered water out of a Michelangelo TMNT cup with little ice balls instead of cubes. yep.
our room looks ok. perfectly acceptable. not too tiny or gross or anything that immediately sticks out as not good. and they said we can paint if we want to. which is awesome. and the fact that they basically ASKED us to put some of the furniture we're moving in around the apartment instead of just our room... helps haha. so like the birds might hang out in the living room or something. idk yet. we're kinda winging it.

but yeah we did paperwork and filed the application and the lady was REALLY chill and put me at ease. sadly she's about to retire and be gone but i'm just glad i got to meet her and that she was there for my initial nerves to calm down. unfortunately, bb didn't bring his pay stubs so we've got to go back up there Thursday and drop both of ours off. but it won't interfere with our application process from what i understand. we'll know in about a week either way. which is rly great and needed. and it SOUNDS like there's really nothing that will keep us from getting approved, it doesn't sound like they're crazy strict or that we have anything that sticks out as a problem. so i guess i should tell my mom that we have a place?? i'm kinda nervous to do that since we again don't know 100% sure, only about 95%... idk. i don't want her to freak out again and shorten the time we have any more than has already happened.

speaking of time limits, my prospective roommates [one of which was wearing a shirt featuring Batman riding Toothless btw, oh my god] were talking about maybe trying to convince their current roomie to move out a little earlier, to help us with the awkward period in early March before we'll be able to move in there.

as far as like spiritual energy goes, the vibe in there was... idk, stagnant? like it resonated with us, was a kindred feel, but also felt like it wasn't being properly expressed. part of that might have involved the current roommate not jiving with the whole pagan thing, which he might not even do idk. [he was slightly creepy. like he seemed nice!! but his room was full of miscellaneous weapons of all kinds, knives on the floor by the bed etc. and when i went to see the room and noticed the open window J told me "he likes it cold... and dark. i think the caves in Afghanistan left an impression" and that was a little... creepy. also being warned when i checked out the closet that it might be full of guns. haha] so like i'm looking forward to REALLY SPRUCING THE PLACE UP WITH WITCHY SHIT. which i think they will happily accomodate, maybe even actively take part in, who knows. :3

so yeah we went and checked out a couple places nearby [the library is so close i might could walk there oh my god] and then drove home. in scary levels of traffic. like i'd probably be ok but bb is prone to the occasional fender bender and SHIT SCARES ME LOL. esp since his car has pretty shitty rear visibility. i will never not be a worried silly thing. SORRY BUT I WORRY ABOUT THINGS AND PEOPLE THAT ARE PRECIOUS TO ME IS THAT SO WEIRD?


headspace stuff:

- Toy Soldier is fucking everywhere the past few days. ghosting outside the body, staring at me with those sharp, fierce yet blank eyes. when i've been overcome with anxiety he's been steadying me. making me stand at attention. he ghosted while i was in the shower and actually did something AMAZINGLY smart. he made me do these breathing exercises, by conducting me. giving cues to how to breathe and controlling my breath using his hands. Toy Soldier is nonverbal, although he can communicate with music, but he never speaks. just stares at me or does spooky ghost shit and such. but he started conducting my breathing, made me stare into his eyes while standing at attention and raised and lowered his hands just like we did in band to control our breathing and volume. and it relaxed me so much. it's ridiculous how my headpeople come up with ideas that would have NEVER occurred to me. like. what. i'm so thankful for the Toy Soldier. he is absolutely getting a shrine when i move. among others. i got out my old marching uniform tonight and just... put on the jacket. i don't fit into it anymore at all but i just took a deep breath and smelled it. made sure the bibbers and jacket were still dry and clean and safe. that the plume wasn't any more moth-eaten than it was when i got it. i just hold it occasionally and feel the vibes run through me.

- Hiccup.... ahahaha. he won't fucking meet my eyes. you big nerd. SO BASICALLY we've realized that i'm no different in headspace than i am outside with other people, that is to say, if i get sufficiently close to ANY friend i start crushing on them. and it's a little awkward always but in a happy way. but Hiccup is just so... LOL. like he won't meet my eyes right now. there's no bad vibes coming off him he's just like. so shy and confused lmao. i don't think he knows how he feels. you just have to understand that 1: i make friends with people that I think are really good people and 2: I crush on same said types of people pretty consistently. and the main result of that is that i end up getting kinda intimate with sufficiently closely bonded friends. this kinda ties into my "what the fuck is romance and friendship where is the line i literally have no line between the two" thing LOL. and hiccup is so awkward and it's so funny. AND ROANE IS NOT HELPING ONE TINY LITTLE BIT oh my god. i love her. but also i'm irredeemable Fictive Loving Trash. put me directly in the dump. but yeah Hiccup plz relax none of this means A Single Thing no matter what Bird & co say to tease us lmfao. it's nothing. just the way i naturally bond with my fellow humans.

- Also seeing Kyo a lot!! at least relatively a lot. more than before. i called her and she answered. she will always answer. having her around is a HUGE comfort, i swear. and i wasn't prepared for the amount of pure ken, the power she hefts in headspace. it's not surprising since the System literally built itself around her in its first incarnation as the nameless House. she is, in some ways, the foundation of headspace as it stands today. and yet she's not a deity, just a canid-fox science girl who runs around mostly nude and is in love with people and stars. not much ever changes.

- thing we've been doing with Hiro: trust exercises. he's slowly growing past the 'stuck at the front' stage and wants to explore. meaning the city. and i'm still locked out and can't enter the city and don't really have time/energy to work on that so i'm a little scared to let him go, in case i can't find him again. so we have a small blue ribbon tied to a finger on both our hands. if one of us tugs on our end, the other tugs in response to assure them that they're safe and sound. i just don't want him to feel smothered haha. but this helps ease my Mama Hen Anxiety.



also i learned that Roane is not pronounced "roe anne" like i have been saying it since literally three years ago oh my god. i am garbage. mispronouncing people's names is THE WORST I'M THE WORST LMFAO. it's pronounced like roan like the reddish horse color. at least now i know. but i talk about her so much to bb that now i'm stumbling over my words like "Roa-... shit"

020115

Feb. 1st, 2015 08:04 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
Last night sucked pretty hard, tonight will be just as bad if not worse, being superbowl sunday, haha. Just being upfront about it tbh. Gonna do my best to be prepared. Hiccup's always there to lend a hand and keep me from shutting down when things get rough.


Hiro has been hanging out a lot more today, and we found out his source is coming out on DVD on the 24th of this month. Aka, in the midst of all of our moving troubles. Between this and Majora's Mask, I'm really grateful. It might be a kinda dark time, but these will definitely serve as two very bright lights for me.  So I'm gonna have $20ish put aside for that; even amidst the moving expenses, it should be doable.

speaking of moving, we are going up to look at the probable new place on tuesday. i don't wanna get too much hope, it really hurt last time i thought we had a place and it crashed and burned. i don't see anything that would get in our way, but i didn't last time either, so. but i'm gonna go to work tomorrow night, then wake up an hour early so i only get like 4.5 hours sleep hahah -_- then bb is going to drop me off on his way to his job interview. is good. hopefully we don't get a huge pile of lunch rush traffic up in town.

i was soooo sleepy last night and today and right now omg. it's been one of those nap all day kinda days. might be because of certain endocrine functions that are happening right now, i dunno. maybe instead of my chest being painful it's just decided to make me intensely sleepy instead. i guess that's preferable? maybe?

so now i have coffee and yeah. i'll get through tonight. i've got my nerds standing by. squeezes them all.

013115

Jan. 31st, 2015 10:37 am
thebrokenarrows: (general)
list of things i should look into doing in preparation for the move:


- get an oil change and stuff done on the Cruiser so it can handle long distance driving better. done! ish. it's still a high mileage car and will complain a little :c
- buy a little extra oil/power steering fluid so i can replenish the car whenever it needs, poor thing is gonna be doing quite a bit more driving than it's used to. thank god gas is cheap now ;;
- collect boxes from work. store them either in the car or downstairs or something until i need them.
- clean out my car really good. just go to jimmy clean, get the cheap wash and throw out/vacuum everything.
- figure out how to collapse/remove the seats in the back of the Cruiser for moving big things and lots of boxes. that is so fucking useful and neat man YEH i love my car. i hope it lives forever.
- WASH EVERYTHING. this won't be until later but might want to invest in like my own bottle of cleaner because i'm going to have to clean EVERYTHING. i mean everything except like, the books and other paper. every single altar tool will be cleaned. everything dusted, washed of cobwebs or whatever [this room has AWFUL cobwebs. i think it's just because of the chimney. if you don't keep on top of it the cobwebs are terrible in here!]


so yeah we are starting to be IN TALKS with our friends in the city regarding the move. barring some crazy unforeseen circumstances, this is probably gonna happen. we've got like one or two more avenues we want to check out just so we can say we've sussed out all of our possible options. [except the dad thing. i guess i've chickened out of that since we found another option. for now.] and then i think we're going up there to see them and take bb to a nearby job interview on Tuesday, which is my next day off so. yes. :3

woke up really realy early today and took the car to the shop. the guy told me that the power steering fluid was leaking like crazy, which i of course knew already. he just wanted to make sure i was refilling it regularly. there's no way i could ignore that awful whine/vibration when it gets low, so yes of course i am. i'd be terrified to break something in the power steering if there was no fluid o_o so the car is a lot happier now, hopefully it'll stay that way! i actually took it for an oil change AND tune up, but he said we already did one recently [august??? was that recent enough?? lol] and it wasn't in need of another one. so, ok. whatever makes the Cruiser happy haha.


idk what happened exactly but Bird & co. had a really rough day yesterday and UGH WHY DON'T I HAVE LIKE $800 RIGHT NOW SO I CAN GO FLY THERE AND TAKE CARE OF THEM -n- it's like 8 am there right now and they're not awake yet of course but like jfkasjdlaksbna FREN IS IN DISTRESS unacceptable. >:C

i want to get the question of where exactly we're moving to be answered as soon as possible, because i'm pretty sure i know the answer, but that also leads to more questions, such as where exactly will i be staying for two-ish weeks starting a month from now? i won't be sleeping in my car or anything, but... i reeeeally don't want the experience of being cooped up in that tiny blue room living out of boxes while i listen to them dismantle my room that i put so much effort into. weh. :[ if only the previous tenant was moving out like... ten days earlier, even. the sucky thing is that not only Hiccup's birthday is gonna be during this mess, but even more importantly, bb's birthday is too! T_T so we'll be in upheaval and really broke. that sucks ass. but i will do my best to make it the best birthday he could imagine.

ya. so. i'mmm gonna have a nap or something :v and play more animal crossing. it's almost like i'm back to where i started, down to one game. [although animal crossing was like my 2nd or 3rd game for the system. but. DETAILS]

013015

Jan. 30th, 2015 06:35 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
finally looked at that place we've been trying to look at for a couple days and... no. just no. at least they were honest and showed us the apartment we'd be renting, which looked REALLY rough. it had just been involved in a fire. scary. like i know it would be wax better when we'd actually be moving in, but... it looked really bad even without the fire damage. the guy was kinda embarassed showing us parts of it. i won't even go into detail but let's just say this would be a.... not THE WORST last resort ever, but definitely a last resort. kinda big, two floors and due to the fire, lots of stuff would be brand new/remodeled, but just... no. i did not get a good vibe from that place at all and i'd much rather pay a quarter of the rent to live with friends up in the city, and not have to worry about being out on the street should i be unable to pay rent for ONE month, which seems to be their policy. that kinda thing would make me even more reluctant to take care of myself [i.e. doctor visits] than i already am.

just. eegh. i'm sure it's abundantly clear but this stuff has me so stressed out and pretty depressed. i just have to focus on the future. this ordeal will pass and life will settle down. this isn't going to be another case of the move every three months again. unless shit gets really crazy anyway. i'm really scared of that.


my outer life is sucking but inner life is pretty well flourishing, for once. which is nice. Hiccup got to talk to his 'twin' in the House of Leaves today and yesterday. very cool. they hadn't talked since last summer when they first woke up. seems like they are, as one would expect, extremely similar as always hahah. my Hiccup seems to be a little bit perkier though, but that too seems to be similar to the last time they talked. HoL!Hiccup seems to be a little bit older and went through a lot more rough stuff before coming to headspace, moreso than mine seemed to.

idk. gonna get up really early and drop my car off at the mechanic. tried to do it today but they were just too busy. but on the way home it tried to stall on me so i know i can't put it off any longer. i want to like go out and eat but i don't want to take my car anywhere until i take it to get fixed honestly, it's very unhappy... i swear it's like it knows. it was fine until we left the mechanic without getting any work done, then it started bumping like no tomorrow, RPMs going below 500 when I stopped... crazy. the ghost in the machine. [that's not really what that phrase means but it's always what it makes me think of. machines that act alive somehow]
i dunno. bb's going to a surprise party tomorrow, so i'll be alone most of the day. i guess it's ok but being that his days living with me are going to be numbered possibly until after his birthday... blugh. [i just realized that if we do move in where i think we most likely will, i will be moving around my sister's 21st birthday. how 'bout that.]

012815

Jan. 28th, 2015 05:12 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
WELLP LIFE SURE IS REALLY HARD AND STRESSFUL ALL OF A SUDDEN!!!

went out looking for more apartment options. first place was closed, second place yet again wants three times the rent. i honestly believe it's just uncontrolled discrimination policy against poor people. who with shit like this have no choice but to live in crack addled hovels with people who wanna make trouble or would rob you for drug money. i could have afforded a studio apartment MYSELF!!! and still had money to live my life and save up a little money enough to scrape by no problem. at this place. but no. they want you to make an unreasonable amount of money.
so tomorrow we'll go back to the [honestly REALLY DAMN DEPRESSING AND SHITTY LOOKING and i would really have not wanted to check this place out if my friend hadn't suggested them to me] other apartments we checked today. they supposedly also have houses to look at if there are vacancies.

idk man all of this is making me feel so tired all the time. it's so depressing. i have done all the things that grown ups tell you you need when you're a kid. i have good credit, no debt, work plenty of hours at my job even though i'm not allowed to be full time, i do my taxes on time every year... and i still can't make myself a damn life. no one will let me. no one will give me a chance.

and i was lying around my room feeling really shitty about that when i realized... i don't know where my game case is. my fucking 3ds games. ALL of them except alpha sapphire and animal crossing. are missing. not only that but EVERY SINGLE POKEMON GAME from diamond and pearl onward is in that case. EVERY pokemon i own except my alpha sapphire team. are now missing. and i freaked RIGHT THE FUCK out. had a fucking melt down over some video games. tore my room up, looked in both our cars, nothing. i still can't find them. bb brought me food because i was depressed and didn't want to eat anything and then i wanted to eat even less because i was panicking like fucking crazy. the only things that calmed me down were roane talking to me, and then me remembering them being at home after the previous place i'd remembered them. so... i feel like they must be in this room somewhere. i'm still very very very intensely unhappy at not knowing the whereabouts of my games. but at least i have animal crossing and ONE pokemon game even if all else is lost forever. which... holy shit. i'll be beyond heartbroken. i'll be devastated. that is every pokemon i have raised in the last eight years or so. hundreds of them. the first and only shiny i've caught and raised, Kismet the Dragalge. my beloved Jacky, the Talonflame. they're all nowhere to be found. please please please let me find them. we'll be packing everything in here up before too long so... i guess if the games are here to be found, then we'll find them. god i hope. my heart breaks every few minutes worrying. smash is in there, ocarina of time, tomodachi life is in there and everyone is gonna be so upset with me for leaving them alone for so long... fuuuuuUUUCK. if i find it today or tomorrow i'll gratefully feel like an idiot for waxing so melodramatic about this because THIS IS REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT TO ME OK. THESE GAMES ARE DEARER TO MY HEART THAN MOST THINGS IN THE WORLD HOLY SHIT. some of my most treasured possessions, my 3DS games. particularly my pokemon games. if i lost them all i don't even... know where i'd start to begin again. how can you even build up that much history over again.


so yeah. life is really... hard right now. in a lot of ways. shit piling up from a lot of angles. but we'll keep going. there's no other option. i'm really mad about the inevitable blowing up of my 'stress' tag but. moving is stressful. finding a house is fucking stressful as shit particularly this time. what are you gonna do.


edit: you know what i wanna end this with a good vibe SO: barring the shitty couple of weeks in the beginning of march, it looks like, should we choose to accept it, we have that room in charlotte with our friends. i'm more than willing to take it especially since they changed their mind about Murphy having to stay in one room. [they just want to vacuum more often and since we have a BRAND NEW VACUUM... i'm totally willing to take over part or all of vac duties lol] but bb wants to explore all our options first. he wants us to live alone. which i would also love but honestly seeing the absolute shit way apartments seem to do things, i'm starting to give up on that with our income the way it is. unless we both somehow find $20 an hour jobs... not happening. BUT it doesn't matter as much because i THINK we have a place. we have one pretty well ensured. i don't see anything crazy happening to catch us off guard. so i want to get paperwork done as soon as possible.

012615

Jan. 26th, 2015 06:22 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
Ugh. Where do I begin. What a day. I'm pretty exhausted and haven't even left for work yet.

Well, we're pretty much back to square one. The apartment in Charlotte isn't happening, looks like. Turns out you have to make AN ABSURD amount of income in order to live there. I make enough to pay rent MYSELF every month and there will be two of us there, but it's not even a third of what they require me to make. What the fuck. I don't know. So that was my despair for the day.

Then I find out something even more daunting...

My childhood house is empty. The little doublewide on six acres of woods in the middle of nowhere. My father isn't sure what to do with it now.

Fuck.

So... I haven't spoken to my dad in about three and a half years. We're not on good terms. But that is... a really really nice opportunity. Fucking hell. I guess I'm gonna have to break the silence. Maybe take him out to eat, have a conversation.

I... don't want him to think that I'm just talking to him because I want a favor of sorts. I wasn't for a long time, but... I'm willing to start over. To try having a relationship with him again. I thought I was still mad about what happened in the past, but... I'm not anymore. I've changed a lot. Grown a lot. And a lot can change in three and a half years.

Mom tells me he misses me and would love to have me back in his life. I hope that's true. I hope it's not just that he'd like it only on his terms. Because I need him to see me as an equal. There's a LOT of shit in the past, a lot of things that I still hold weapons against. But... I'd like to lay them down if he'll do the same.

I just hope. Hiccup's giving me a look and he has been all afternoon, for a lot of reasons. On the ride home when I couldn't talk or think, I felt him next to me, holding my hand in headspace. He knew I couldn't communicate or hear him, and he didn't need me to. The fact that he was able to get through the automatic barrier and just calmly sit with me and hold my hand as I freak out... that says a lot. He's a real friend. Even if he does spit out the old line just like everyone else... "you only have one dad". Like... I can't fault you, man. I know where that's coming from. But... just. I hope you never see the reason why I haven't contacted him in years.

He's not a villain. He's not an enemy. I have to make sure I don't see it that way. He's not some monster to defeat. He's a person just like everyone else, and everyone has some good in them. I've seen a very scary and ugly side of him, but I also know that he married a woman who is a really great person and I know she wouldn't marry some evil asshole. I just have to show him my best side, too.


That fucking house though. That land. Those woods. My childhood. My spirituality was formed there. How many times have I dreamed of buying the house off my dad and living there. Pipe dreams. How many times did I steal away some afternoon and walk in the woods like I did as a child. It would need so much cleaning but. Yeah. It'd be worth it. I hope.



Fortune cookie today:
"The clever crow always paints its feather black."
I just... Fuck.

012515

Jan. 25th, 2015 05:30 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
All we can think about today is doing things in the new place. Any game I want to play, I imagine watching important cutscenes playing out on our [eventual] new flatscreen, sitting on the living room floor staring up at the tv. Or handheld, still curled up in the floor, not stuck in my room.

This is suddenly so fucking important to me. Like it was important for life before, that I find my own place, but I was kinda happy just dicking about in this room for a while. But I know how awfully stagnant it's made me. That needs to end. And now we've got the chance. Now every time I feel tired at work I remind myself of the apartment shining in the possible future. Every time I'm tempted to go out and eat, I think about the apartment. It's under my skin now, in a way I might should have avoided letting something I haven't even started paperwork on yet get to me.
We go to apply up there tomorrow, and if I said I would have been upset about losing the little rental house, I think I'll be about 12 times more upset if we don't manage this one, even though it's an apartment. It's just such a damn good opportunity. This has to work. It just has to. The speed bumps are few and relatively small as far as we can currently see. Please let this work. I'm going to have to work hard tomorrow to not be eaten up by nerves.


Hiro has been around today, which is really refreshing. He's not been doing all that well in headspace, at least compared to how Hiccup started out, which is our only point of reference. The feeling I get is that he's really not all that pleased to find himself here, separated from the life he remembers, and honestly wouldn't mind at all if he just faded away and demanifested. So he's not trying to live, you know what i mean? Which is not something we want. We're quite attached to the kid, especially Hiccup, so we're doing what we can to make life here more interesting for him. I think living in the city would help a lot with that. [Also, he loves pizza rolls, and junk food in general. No one tell Poe.]
We're re-doing his source material OST now because the original one was really low quality, and also some more music that resonates with him. Like Discovery. That album actually rings of several of us, one track even has Toy Soldier notes in it. [That song is I Want You Back, which is a Jackson 5 cover, and that particular song was heavily featured in the marching show of the band in Drumline. Which was a rather formative movie for me as a young'n. So. Yeah. Toy Soldier.]

Got our Twilight Princess/Hyrulian Crest lanyard in the mail today, got it with gamestop points. Very cool. I'm definitely thinking about making some Majora's Mask art to go in the lanyard fob thing and wear that to the game release. I think there's 19 days left as of today, before MM comes out? Hype man. So much hype.
thebrokenarrows: (general)
step 1: find an apartment. [check??]
step 2: find a job [closer to home and] working during the day.
step 3: enroll in CPCC. because i can do that if i'm living in the city!!


thing we need to get for the new place... a knife/taser/spray/whatever. honestly. one for me and probably one for him also. because it's the city and we're kinda close to the hood even though we're not IN it, and i do plan on using public transportation and the bus route takes us right into a really rough area. and it's not that i think everyone's bad in the city, i'm just ridiculously paranoid and would like to feel a little bit safe listening to my ipod on the bus or whatever. also feel pretty self conscious about the fact that to all appearances, i'm a nervous white girl, so i feel like people are gonna take advantage of me. so. YA KNOW

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