T. B. A. S.

instead of rambling on twitter, i should post coherently through here.



i find that i'm really good at asking nicely, especially through text or if given a little while to parse my thoughts out in the most gentle and friendly way. i hope that this sort of inviting demeanor doesn't change when i become more masculine. because while it does cause people to hit on me because i'm very accomodating and warm by nature [despite the untrue accusations of being "cold" always flung at me by parentals], it also gets me in where other people would be rejected because i'm [at my best, anyway,] able to very calmly and understandingly get my point across and avoid the other person feeling invalidated in any way. making other people feel good about themselves is a strong anchor for me. and also helps you get what you want. esp if you really believe the things you tell them haha. you don't HAVE to believe them, but i much prefer to tell people good truths about themselves rather than nice lies.

i mention this because a blog that i follow on tumblr [they might be a mutual? i forget, i pay so little attention to notes these days] has some interesting abstract sort of kintypes, like space-kin and god-kin and i was really curious about what that feels like. because i can't QUITE relate to either one to be honest. and i wanted to know, so i sent an ask. and i very gently, while maintaining that i was curious only and not critical [understandably, people are quite touchy about weirdos on tumblr asking them about their kintypes, since there's endless trolling around this subject] and actually i got a response later saying they'd love to answer when they get home! and i felt like the positive response was because i have this talent for phrasing a question in a very gentle, warm and positive manner. and i should put this talent for words into use. i am very good at asking delicate questions without offending people. i'm looking forward to their in-depth response when they get home later, i always love their mixes on 8tracks that they share about their experiences with such things. even if i can't relate i really enjoy it.

although maybe i can relate more than i admit readily. the idea of being a [rising, slowly self-acknowledging, coming into one's own power] deity in one's own headspace. is not unfamiliar to me.


it's really nice to be able to recognize things that you are good at and just flatly state them, objectively. be able to put forward what your skills and talents are and just know in your heart that they're true. and that you're not fluffing yourself up, making more of yourself than you really are, or any such thing. and not lying to yourself in an effort to "fake it til you make it". none of that. just straight up: i'm good at this. this is what i'm good at. i'm good at delicately asking personal questions or gently breaking bad news when i have to.

and it's really nice to be able to reject people's opinions of you as straight up false. untrue. wrong. i used to think that all people's opinions about ME and how i live my life were equally valid and worthy of consideration. but guess what, past self, that is completely false. it feels really good to just throw them carelessly away and no longer regard them as even possibly true. that old belief that maybe it's TRUE that i'm cold, selfish, cruel, arrogant, hateful, mean, unwilling to listen and stupid, maybe all of those things are TRUE because people that i highly respect expressed these opinions about me. since i respect them that means their opinions mean something, right? and that means i should take them into consideration. well, dear past self, you are wrong. and anyone who tells you such things about yourself needs to be kept at arm's length at best and is not your friend. i'm not saying don't ever listen to criticism but you KNOW what kind of person you are. you KNOW that you are a gentle and warm and loving person. you perform this function 100% of the time, you never fail to be caring and thoughtful and kind. sometimes TOO caring, TOO thoughtful and TOO kind for your own good. and if people report to you that they experience the opposite, review those reports with high suspicion. they are very likely lies told to you for any number of cruel reasons. remember the people who told you these things; review over the years who they all were and what things they had in common. their relationships with you. bad teachers, bad bosses, bad family members, all of them disease ridden unhealthy connections that are best cut off.
and not only that, but look at the care with which you take others' opinions into consideration, even TERRIBLE cruel "opinions" about what kind of person you are for god's sake. even taking crap like that seriously, that stuff proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are a very empathetic and considerate human being who listens to others and takes their opinions seriously always. like, to a fault sometimes! nevermind all those awful lies told to you about how you never listen to anyone's advice, hardheaded, stubborn blah blah blah. all bullshit. you know the truth, you know that you are an observant and caring person who listens sometimes TOO much to the thoughts of others. you are a kind, thoughtful and sensitive person, and these are not empty flattery but absolute truth, about younger me as well as current me.
you are so kind and caring and empathetic about others' feelings that you worry yourself to death about how other people see you or think about you or how you come off to them. you used to stay up all night making yourself sick with weeping over the fact that no matter how hard you listened and tried to follow your parents' advice, no matter how hard you SHOWED them that you listened you were invariably told anyway that you were stubborn and deaf to any advice given to you. that used to give you migraines from stress. all these things are absolute proof that you are a good and sweet and big-hearted person and none of these things are empty words to try to guide you into behaving how you "should", these are flat facts.
this is how you learn to love yourself.



daily life:

bb and i went out for lunch together because he doesn't have much more free time before renaissance festival season starts. lunch at the Diamond is always so good, and we always eat too much hahah but it's worth it. i had a whole pile of fried pickles that were delicious and perfect. and okra that was also perfect. [omg it's okra season 8D] and they gave me my fish sandwich on this hoagie-type roll instead of the usual, and it turned out to be almost better and held together better than the regular sandwich. and the waitress was super nice and i love the big dude from the kitchen who came out to hand me our fried pickles that i always see around there.
and then bb decided to play songs on the jukebox, some old nostalgic Motown-y music that he always remembered from childhood trips to the beach, and only wanted two songs out of three plays that he paid for, so he let me request one. and i found September by Earth, Wind and Fire and that's how i ended up playing EWF to the entire restaurant inside and out and experiencing the pure joy that is September. and thinking what a positive influence my old band teacher Mr Wallace was to my appreciation of mid 20th-century "black" music genres and their HUGE cultural importance and contribution to what pop music and all music became and is becoming. just this three minutes of pure joy. i love September and I love EWF and I love the music that black american culture produced throughout the twentieth century and i love that i went from growing up in a very racist household to being exposed to the pure joy that is blues, jazz, R&B and various pop genres because of having a black teacher with these interests. and the kind of music he exposed me to via media and choosing such music for the band to play. not only did i gain an appreciation for music as an art form and all kinds of classical music, but the way i grew to adore and respect black music through the decades and the vital role that it has played in the evolution of music as a whole just... man! lemme tell you. someday i wanna tell this to him personally. tell him how he helped one random little eleven year old white kid expand their horizons musically and culturally so far beyond the sheltered way they were raised. [edit: after finishing this entry i did exactly that through facebook hahaha. cuz i'm feelin emotional about it right now. love for ya.]


then we hopped around two antique stores. the first one had a creepy old-people smell and the store owner made me mildly uncomfortable [and did that thing that antique store owners do often to young people in their shop, and watch them like a hawk in case they steal or break anything. i've actually been refused entry to an antique store before by its owner because i 'wasn't eighteen' and even when i proved to her that in fact i was, she still wouldn't let me in cuz i was SCARY LOOKING, but anyway:] and the music playing was very 1940s and creeped me out a lot, in the way that that crooning simpering-female-vocals-plus-strings music from that period often does for some unplaceable reason. but the second shop was very nice and had lots of cool things, including many awesome instant cameras. [one of them had half a pack of Super Old Expired Film from Kodak[???] still in it, that of course was dead and would not shoot. i opened it up and removed the film, and the store owner caught my eye and told me that that was the film. and i laughed because of course i wouldn't know what a pack of instant film looks like, except that i happened to be intimately familiar!]
the only thing that made this shop much less awesome was as we left, the store owner... kinda drilled us about why we didn't buy anything and made a comment that all day today he had seen "nothing but deadbeats" in his store?? which was... i almost thought i misheard him, wow that was some bad customer service haha. i was slightly miffed by that. and i definitely won't forget it, what a poor last impression you made on us. people window shop for many reasons you know, and if you hadn't said that to A Customer's Face, then maybe we would have come back and bought some of the cool books [and beautiful accordion and concertina!!!] for very fair prices that you had! and now i doubt we will. at least not if you're behind the counter, grizzled old white dude who watched football on a tiny old tv!
[addendum: this store has two and a half stars on yelp and several reviews complaining about the store owner's "jokes" or attitude some days. oh my. apparently this is just how he runs the joint. that's unfortunate]

side note: i should definitely try to get my car fixed up and running reliably again by next week if possible, or as fast as i can. after next week, he won't have any days off, truly, for two months. working five days a week and then all weekend at the renaissance festival, for the next two months. including the last weekend of september. so he's only got one more weekend before that season begins. it's gonna be a whole lot of fun but his lifestyle will change somewhat, and thus so will mine. i'm going to have to definitely be more independent when it comes to getting out of the house and having fun or doing work or anything. and consider that alright.

i'm feeling very calm and centered today. i did have some "brain swerves" at times - when you just start feeling your brain reel towards irrational fear and stressful thoughts for no reason, then usually clearing away after a few minutes - but they passed quickly enough. i'm slouching and not keeping good posture and feeling kinda restless and uncomfortable again, but instead of agitating my depression like it often does, there's just this pervading feeling that i'll float through all of my problems and arrive at the other side intact. which i gotta say is really nice. i want to be able to hold onto this peaceful feeling. and not even give thought to the idea that i can't.

feel like i'm doing so much growing, so much learning. and decided that yeah, i basically took september off from life. from fiscal responsibility. after this month ends is when i'll start job hunting again. start putting that part of my life back up and running. start working out what to say about why i quit my job. and because of my talent for carefully phrasing words together [!!], i think i can make this work. with a little help from people like my stepsister and mentor in all things job related. she's so damn good at getting jobs that i'll always envy her. she's one of those extroverted introverts like my girlfriend, where people EXHAUST her but if you didn't know better, you couldn't tell cuz she's so loudly social.

also, the other day, i don't know if i wrote about it but my friend Stef came up to the house and i did a commission piece for her, she modeled nude [plus some knee high rainbow stripey socks haha] and i sketched her. and it was a lot of fun, she paid me money plus a cheap dinner. and i took her to save point and she loved it, as does everyone that i take there lol. also i showed them where i was accidentally double-charged for a small item last time, and no questions asked i got enough store credit to buy a SNES game for a dollar. i love that damn store.
and i also gave her my Big Swinger 3000, my first polaroid camera that's super old and in great shape but film basically doesn't exist for it these days. she said she'll take shots with it but who knows if that'll really happen. regardless i've been wanting it off my hands for a while now that i have a camera that actually takes film and works lol, and i think she'll take care of it. [ironic because during our trips to the antique store today i found many old Polaroids [and a Kodak Handle omg, look those things up they were some controversy] from the Big Swinger era!]
i found out today upon arriving home that when she left my apartment she... hung out and smoked a blunt with my neighbors. and showed them my sketch of her, and now the wife really wants to model for me too haha. i don't... really care to get involved with them, they are nice to me but they have a lot of drama and i refuse to get mixed up in it. but thank god she assures me that she's not interested in getting close to them. cuz that's just not... a twist of fate that i want in my life haha. they are probably good people but i want to enjoy the good in them from a distance because the bad is... pretty bad.

i really like reading the blogs of people that i'm totally unconnected with. i discovered that the Finsters bird blog of old that i used to read in like high school has vanished from the face of the internet after not being updated since 2011, and even with my googling skills [another talent! it rarely fails me, i know just what inputs to make to get what i want very quickly. i tell people i know how to tickle google] i couldn't find a hint of the owner or her birds anywhere. i have no idea what happened to them, but i wish them well. but in my google quest to find the birds and their owner[s], i found this total other blog written in a somewhat different style, but i wound up reading the chronicles of the blogger's divorce. and her upbeat tone even when she is having a hard time is really nice and inspirational for me. and maybe reading it has helped with this lofty mood i'm in right now.


other thoughts about: my parents, about the idea of blaming things on them and what level is 'acceptable' or justified, about "taking responsibility" for one's own actions. and the idea that... recognizing the effect of your upbringing on your adult life is almost criminalized by this culture and the message is often that you need to "grow up and accept that whatever you do is your own fault". which is really kinda toxic! the truth is that we are part nature and part nurture and that you choose every action that you take, but your motivations are shaped by your experiences. you are in control of all this. you are the center of your world and your own power. but the past is very real and it made you into who you are today for better or worse. the question is how much do you invite it into your life. how much do you acknowledge it. how much do you bring up, deal with, and process and move on.


wow this was such a long and introspective entry!! it's full of good thoughts. i've been typing for over an hour and i keep going back and adding more, and my fingers are actually tired, which never happens. i approve. let me have more days like this.

In Vienna there's ten pretty women
There's a shoulder where Death comes to cry
There's a lobby with nine hundred windows
There's a tree where the doves go to die
There's a piece that was torn from the morning,
and it hangs in the Gallery of Frost -
Ay-ay-ay...
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take this waltz with the clamp on its jaws

Oh, I want you - I want you - I want you
In a chair with a dead magazine;
In a cave at the tip of the lily;
In some hallway where love's never been;
On a bed where the moon has been sweating
In a cry filled with footsteps and sand
Ay-ay-ay...
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take its broken waist in your hand

There's a concert hall in Vienna,
Where your mouth had a thousand reviews
There's a bar where the boys have stopped talking;
They've been sentenced to death by the blues
Ah, but who is it climbs to your picture
with a freshly-cut garland of tears
Ay-ay-ay...
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take this waltz, it's been dying for years

There's an attic where children are playing
Where I've got to lie down with you soon
In a dream of Hungarian lanters
In the mist of some sweet afternoon
And I'll see what you've chained to your sorrow
All your sheep and your lillies of snow;
Ay-ay-ay...
Take this waltz, take this waltz
With its "I'll never forget you, you know!"

This waltz, this waltz, this waltz this waltz
With its very own breath of brandy and death
Dragging its tail in the sea

And I'll dance with you in Vienna;
I'll be wearing a river's disguise
The hyacinth wild on my shoulder,
My mouth on the dew of your thighs
And I'll yield to the flood of your beauty,
my cheap violin and my cross
And you'll carry me down on your dancing
To the pools that you lift on your wrist

Oh, my love, oh, my love
Take this waltz, take this waltz
It's yours now. It's all that there is.



[trying to write my own words underneath these feels so crude hah]
I heated up a pot of tea and used the remains from our smores night to make tea, as in the meal. As soon as I got back to the bedroom to set down my plate it started raining. The most beautiful of brief afternoon summer downpours. I propped open my broken window and put on Leonard Cohen - the song that stuck with me like a burr, the song that I first listened to almost as a joke but somehow has become so close to my heart so quickly - watched the flooding and listened to the cars on the wet road and dreamed of the girl that I love teaching me to waltz. I needed that moment. Felt so myself, so pure and true and clear. And I have since then. Like I might finally know who I actually am. At least when all the rubbish gets cleared away and I can see it, like right now.



I'm someone who is really into antiquated technology. Who chases after these things. And doesn't really think about it, about what my interests all seem to have in common is that they're sorta outdated. My typewriter [sadly neglected, needs a ribbon], my game boys and other old game systems, my Polaroid camera, my hopefully soon to begin vinyl player and record collection... these things are all so tactile, so tangible. I'm such a touch-based person, so to feel the shift and clunk of typebars as you write or to feel the hinge on your camera swing back and kick into place, the healthy heft of a full film cartridge in your camera or load of batteries in your game boy... it's so right. How things should be. I've got no grudge against things like cell phones or computers, hardly, I love them and can't get away lol. But to me there is just something about certain older technologies that I'll always pursue and make part of my life I think.



Want to write about some thoughts I've been having regarding my sex lately. I know this isn't the universal opinion but I more or less fall in line with the idea of sex being your physical geno/phenotype [i.e. what's in your genes/between your legs at birth] and gender being your identity and personality. So my gender is male, effeminate but solidly male. My sex is what you would call female although we really need a different word for these things that isn't the same word for a gender presentation :p. My sex is... "receptive"? I'm a vagina person? LOL. What I'm saying is... although I'm solidly a male person and want only to be treated as a man by society, I'm pretty happy with being born the way I was. Being the smaller, alluring sex. The one I find almost universally appealing. [I maintain that girls are magical and mysterious creatures with awesome intoxicating powers, and the more they know how to wield it the more helpless I am to resist them lol]  Like if only society was set up in such a way that a boy of short stature with big hips and a vulva was widely accepted bc I feel happy that way. Happy invoking my feminine side even while my body is so feminine that everyone thinks I'm a girl. Feel solid enough in my masculine identity that I can wear pretty rocks on my finger, paint my nails, actually like the color pink. Feel comfortable in my cute and somewhat femme demeanor. It's been a long time coming.

And god almighty I'm a fucking nerd but another thing that's made me more comfortable in my sex is steven universe LOL. Like yes the gems aren't TRULY female but you know what, they all present female and seeing so many strong capable female bodied people doing work and getting shit done makes me feel good about myself. When I get dysphoria I always feel so weak and stupid and seeing these women [alien women, but whatever :V] being shown as no-bullshit powerful and wise and worthy of respect and even awe from the protagonist.... feels really good. Makes me feel more confident in my shapely legs and big hips. And even my hated chest feels a little better knowing I'm shaped like a gem. :p

should mention my dream. was really more like a scene, that's all i can remember. but the significant thing is that i was there and, unusually, not human. i was Dragon. first time i can remember. still brass... when will i change into my summer copper? and Bird was there, human, afraid. i don't know by what, but we were surrounded by Bad Things. and i coiled my lanky body around her, putting myself between her and danger. holding her body in the crook of my wing, placing both my head and tail in front of the enemies. arching my back, hissing and screaming [in a metallic voice, almost reminiscent of the brassy trumpeting of a Pernese dragon, and i think that's fitting]. spitting from my mouth not fire, but sparks and hot coals of pure rage.

i don't know and i may never know what happened on this day but the things my mind can dream up make my dragonself rear up and SCREAM with righteous anger and vengeance. i will trample and burn anything that comes between me and my loved ones. my charges. they are under my protection.

wow i didn't write yesterday, think that's been the first day all month :v

idk. what's on my mind? other than the usual trash?

been listening to a lot of Daniel Johnston. and thinking that i should bust out the big keyboard that's living in my car rn. i should find someplace where i can store it because. i should start playing with it. i never learned the proper fingerings but that same exact situation for computer keyboards never stopped me from typing 80wpm, right? idk. i should definitely do that especially since i'm actually home alone semi-regularly now. WHICH IS REALLY GOOD FOR ME BTW. really important. once i can get the guts to actually do stuff.

 thing that i think i should maybe write a song about is Stormy's death. maybe. i dunno. that'd be a fucking sad sack fucking song. but. that's a pile of sludge that's been lurking around in my insides for two years and i've never quite hacked it all the way out. and i mean honestly it's the death of a loved one, essentially the death of a child, it NEVER WILL be completely gone and that's fine. but. idk. i think that might be a subject. among MANY OTHER ONES I PROMISE NOT JUST SAD ONES

and i can tell you too that this is a HUGE sign that i'm growing. changing. i'm afraid to say the b-word, but... maybe even that. slowly. which is so wonderful. what i can also tell you is that things that used to jar the shit out of me or be legitimate triggers that would stop me cold and make me have to sorta reboot my brain - loud noises like a big rig hissing right in my ear while driving, for example, or the sound of a door knocking - just make me flinch now. they still bother me but they don't turn me into a curled up ball of terror anymore. i feel like bones that were exposed to the world are covered in new, healthy tissue now and thus when things bounce off them, it doesn't hurt so bad.

yesterday i talked to Bird in the morning on skype and THEN AT NIGHT I TALKED TO POE ON SKYPE LIKE ALL NIGHT. SO WOWOWOW DOUBLE SKYPES IN ONE DAY AND THEN!!! THIS AFTERNOON i got home from our outing and THEY WERE ON AGAIN SO LIKE 3 SKYPES IN 24 HOURS. so great. hell yeah. maybe the universe is kissing our ass to make up for the 3 days right after they got back from their trip. [i literally cannot believe it's been a week since they left jesus christ. the weekend felt like it alone took a week. that week or 2 that i'll spend up there in Utah is gonna last 5 seconds I swear to god]

idk. i seem to be back in this tuned into outside space phase again, where it's hard for me to let go of the front and pay attention to what's inside. but like. the other night hiccup had me just not even use my eyes inside, not try to focus on seeing visually, and just use all of my other senses. hearing and feeling. and i can do that!! i can do that even right now while i'm looking at things outside!! i can hear and feel and use inside senses that have no analog on the outside, and i at least keep track with that when my inside eyes won't focus properly. but if i AM in this phase again at least it's for a good reason because life outside is kinda amazing right now aslkjalkdjfasd

the trees outside my window are budding and IT'S AMAZING SPRING IS HERE IM SO GLAD ;w; winter is DONE AND OVER.

so our outing, when we woke up bb and i went to Red Lobster. and he didn't believe me that a $25 gift card wouldn't cover much :V but we were cheapo and actually managed to only go over 50 cents!! the amount of food we got was truly disappointing for 25 bucks, but i mean for the 50 cents that we actually paid, it was a lot LOL. so then after that bb convinced me to go to the cracker barrel and get some candy. which i mean we probably shouldn't have but. ya know. it was nice. :B and also i have strong associations with Cracker Barrel being THE PLACE WE GO ON ROAD TRIPS [would go like every year to see my maw maw in WV, and ALWAYS stopped at cracker barrel. and i would ALWAYS get myself a beanie baby while there lmfao. so we didn't eat there but the inside of the place was the exact fucking same even tho i've never been to this particular one. [they even still had a beanie baby corner. and it was the same corner. omg wtf. even though beanie babies suck ass now and look like crap] it was pretty awesome and we got some neat candies. YE. so that was a fun time.

WHAT ELSE idk. feeling kinda hyper right now but also like i don't want to do anything?? lol?? idk maybe i'll clean up because the room looked SUPER NICE and now it's a bit cluttered again. idk. only got like 2 hours until work and it's a long work night ahead but should be fine. thursdays are pretty easy and it's the most legit manager tonight so.


IDK LIFE IS GOOD TALKIN 2 MA BIRD AND LIKE. FEELIN LIKE IT'S OK TO BE SAPPY AND ROMANTIC AND BOLDLY STATE MY FEELINGS LIKE WOW AMAZE. I don't have to be ashamed and secretive and hide my feelings about everything????? Like they're not repulsive or disturbing????? Like what the hell lol. AMAZING FINDINGS

Only thing is Hiccup misses being up front so I'm gonna do my best to let go and let him have it completely tonight. Mostly anyway. I'm a little concerned about some hints I've been picking up about tomorrow so I'm gonna also have A Presence for the night. But work is allll his because he's the one who actually ENJOYS it. And he misses having a body and stuff so also that. God imagine if he ever physically got sexy with anyone lmfao i'm just sayin JUST SAYIN DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT

haha what do i even write? more sappy shit bc today that's how i'm feelin'. fell asleep at 6 and slept until the sun went down. had a crazy long dream about driving to weird places with bb, sometimes in one car and sometimes in our separate cars, at some point we got underneath a big rig and had to maneuver our way out without getting killed???? idk but

when we finally arrived at wherever it was, some kinda restaurant... Bird was there. with some friends. and i'm not sure if i knew she'd be there or not but it started out real casual and then i realized that we hadn't ever met in the flesh before. and then shit got really snuggly. in the dream i was shorter than her although irl i think i am just a little bit taller. she would stand behind me with her arms around me and her chin rested right on top of my head. and it was nice. and her hair was rly soft and smelled so nice and it was just. ugh.
and i woke up like ohhhh fuck. i'm screwed. laying there alone in the bed with all my clothes on wanting nothing more than to touch someone far away. and it was not an unfamiliar feeling at all. ten years ago this exact thing was happening to me, except now i'm a lot older and wiser about relationships and it's way healthier. [oops. did i just call this a relationship? is it a relationship? like in That Way? i don't know. i shouldn't say for sure haha.] but like... the irony is killin' me. it was exactly ten years ago that this happened the first time. and i'm not comparing the two events really except for timing and the fact they're both long distance [and like... the same distance... tucson vs salt lake basically... wtf] but... wow. ya.

and part of me feels like "didn't i learn last time? why'd i let myself go this far again?" as if it's a mistake. as if last time was a mistake. Dale and i are still great friends and i love him dearly. our relationship was kind of... intense and not incredibly healthy but i learned from it, we both did, and it was alright. we were young'ns who both came from a family whose only knowledge of love was pretty toxic. i'm pretty proud of how much i've taught myself over the years about how love really works. what's healthy and what's poisonous. so many people never get that chance.

the great thing about love is that you'll always kinda have that little spark. what happened between dale and i lasted all of two years and then was over, and we had a little rough patch at times but i still look towards him with soft eyes, tbh. would i ever date him again, probably not, and that's fine. but if we ever do meet up, i feel like it would be a shame not to kiss him one good time HAHA. how many times did i want more than anything and never got to as a teenager?

idk man. feelz. i love this year so much thus far and it's only a quarter of the way through. the best is yet to come.


in non sappy updates we finally got groceries for the first time yooo. my bank account is pissed off at me bc i haven't been very kind to it this week. >_>' but... i have roughly half the plane ticket fees saved up... hopefully that can stay that way and the car inspection and stuff won't totally kill that lmao. and it's saint Patrick's day [yooo my middle name~] so we went and got some honey whiskey. FINALLY I HAVE HONEY WHISKEY AGAIN yeeeesss. my favorite liquor of all time i think. god i love that shit. it's Bushmills which... i really prefer Jack but i mean. we had to get the irish one. salute to my irish roots. [i have German and English and Cherokee roots as well among others but... ya know.] so i'm gonna drink a little bit, not overmuch. and probably get EVEN SAPPIER. i'm ok with this. and YOU KNOW WHAT'S RLY SPECIAL? i'm also pretty sure Bird is ok with this. do you know what a huge step that is for me to not tell myself no one wants to hear about my feelings, that they are too heavy or too scary or inappropriate? that they don't feel the same and don't want to know that i do in the first place? not telling myself, if someone doesn't respond immediately to something i said, that it was offensive and weird and gross and stupid and they're reconsidering their choice to hang around me??? THAT'S A P BIG DEAL Y'ALL. <3

also help me she calls me Ollie people are actually calling me Ollie as a real name for me and i love it so much abloobloobloo ;www;


and in inner news... hiccup has wandered off a little bit. been feeling him pulling away. not because he doesn't want to be around me, the opposite in fact. like he wasn't letting himself go and travel and wander. he NEEDS to. he needs space and time to fly. i don't want him to feel nailed down. i didn't really want to be up here without him after so long, but... i can't lie to myself. i know i'm strong enough now. before i fell asleep i felt him wheeling high above, now i don't feel him anywhere around. i wonder how long he'll be out there. but i know if i called him he'd immediately come to me, and that's a comfort. i'll be fine. i hope he knows that. i think he does. i think i do too. <3

YES HELLO another day of livin in the city. i'm still not over this. i'm like 50 feet above the ground and listening to cars going by all day long and it's actually become kind of a calming sort of white noise. i miss hearing spring peepers outside my window but. ya know.

SPRING IS COMING I'M HEARING ROBINS AND MOCKINGBIRDS SINGING AT WORK AT NIGHT. yessss. come 2 me. meanwhile it's 35 degrees out at the hottest part of the day today. whatever north carolina. actually Charlotte is significantly higher elevation than the weird topographical hole that is union county so... weather patterns might be a little off from what i know?? IDK??? WE'LL SEE

FUCKIN i think Poe was literally just waiting for me to wake up so he could tease me oh my god. fak u. why do i get crushes on everyone literally every friend that i get close enough to.
actually i thought about this and looking back this is a life long pattern. these feelings DON'T GO AWAY like. ever. when i look back on my best friends from so long ago, Kati, Victoria, Stori, Jon... i feel the same way towards them that i did as a child. it goes beyond just fond friendship into something a little softer. i guess this is just ~my nature~ and i'm finally coming out of my shell and embracing that about myself. wanting to actually act out on my feelings a little. the last thing i want is to make anyone uncomfortable though. SHIT AIN'T SERIOUS. i just wanna snuggle my closest frens a whole lot thats all they are wonderful great people and i have feelings about it ;~; and maybe i would smooch them a little if they were cool with it ok ok i'm blushing my ass off now thinking about smooching all those friends oh god

actually come to think of it did i ever kiss Jon on the lips? we dated in middle school for a while but like we were both way too queer and confused about it for it to be a serious thing LOL. and we didn't then, but being best friends with a large, excitable VERY gay man when you are [seemingly] female will probably get you kissed eventually. and i would still probably make out with him without question if the moment happened LOL!!! i'm not even attracted to him in ~that way~ i just rly love him and also i miss him so much. what a great guy. even if he drinks like a goddamn russian bear and i cannot handle it. he parties WAY TOO HARD I WOULD LITERALLY DIE TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH HIM holy shit Jon slow ur roll. god i miss u.

i miss all my best friends from times long past. it's so nice to have friends that close again god. i realized that graduating high school was the last time i've had human connections like that until now. and now it's gone from "stop texting people so goddamn much Oliver you're annoying as hell" to i just got basically requested to text someone while they're at work because they'll need it and. im cry. it's so nice.

but yeah. actually. would i kiss every single one of those people i just named? with the exception of possibly one of them because we are too out of touch, yep. yep. that's just how my heart works i reckon. i'm VERY VERY SILLY.


also can i mention that i came home to my new apartment from work for the first time and got laid and then went to sleep aND WOKE UP AND GOT LAID AGAIN????? WOW LIFE IS RLY NICE LATELY HOLY SHIT

Home alone now so I can type about this properly.

just feeling really... amazed at this winter. Winters are never good times for me. I'm a fall person, and summer and spring... pretty much the only time for me that feels suffocating and hard is winter. But this.... this one has been astounding.

I'm finding myself. So weird to say that but in so many ways I am. Since I grew out of Kyo and really realized it back in 2011 ish, realized that she was too much her own being and couldn't be my avatar anymore, I've been struggling. Having no persona, no grasp of what I looked like on the inside. Wore the skins of so many birds, so many animals, nothing stuck. Made so many attempted fursonas but they just became their own characters or faded away for the most part. But I know what I am now.
When I'm human in headspace, I still can't see myself; my image is just a blur of skin color and brown or white hair. I can't get a grasp on what I look like yet, I know that I look similar to the body's face as all Cores typically do, but... I know what my true shape is. I'm dragon. Toyed with this idea so many times and wouldn't... let myself for some reason. Wouldn't let myself just be it, own it. Dragon felt too powerful, but that wasn't the problem; the problem was that I didn't feel worthy to acknowledge that I had power. Felt that it was arrogant and bullheaded to say that I'm a dragon, that I'm powerful and strong, but no. You have to find your own power. Doesn't matter how objectively big you think that power is [read: how you see yourself compared to others]; the important part is that you find it and you know how to access it.

So. I'm dragon. I have scales on my body - copper when it's warm, pales to brass in the winter. Rather birdlike, very birdlike eyes particularly. Reminiscent of a heron in some ways, like the long neck that bends back on itself in flight. My wings are black, long and sweeping and I fly like a vulture, efficiently coasting with relatively few wingbeats. There are two long blackish horns on my head, gently curved and sloping back, with two small horselike ears below them. I also have black feathers on my neck, back and tail that make kind of a mane. I've been working on getting it right down on paper but it's hard. The legs especially are giving me a hard time, they're birdlike and I'm so bad at bird feet.
This shape hasn't left me, hasn't changed, in months. It feels amazing. I've been floating for... so fucking long. Years. And I still shapeshift, still have bird times and coyote times and cat times and other things. I will always be a shapeshifter but I realized that in my heart, I'm a dragon. I... don't have words for how relieved I am. To see this finally settling when I thought it might never settle again. To have a shape to call my own, to be proud of. I hope people in my life think of me when they see a dragon.



I'm... coping. Learning to cope. Letting go. Used to be unable to weather these five day work weeks, and look at me now, here we are on day five and I don't feel a goddamn thing. Bird said that I seem happier and less anxious lately and it's... so true. Hiccup tag teaming makes... infinite amounts of difference. Like a barrier between me and the emotions of the shitty people I encounter during the day. Stuff stresses me out but then it's done and it's gone and over and it's GONE. the next day it's not still with me. most of the time. i'm not scared of things as much anymore. i'm coping and growing and i don't even understand it. except i do. i know exactly why. and so do all of the few people who know me well enough.

and it's important i want to note this isn't some magical person sweeping in to solve all my problems and handle all my life's tough situations for me. no. that's the entire point, he PUSHES me. he was listing silly magnanimous titles for himself, boundary breaker, diplomat, peace maker. jokingly. but it's true. he pushes limits. constantly nudges me out of my comfort zone. making me just uncomfortable and embarassed enough to grow. and so I'm growing so fucking quickly and it's blowing my mind. i don't even know what to think. and this week we're going to make the Big Change, the move, we're leaving this place and going to the city full of opportunity and just. i feel like this year is going to be really really important. it's already important. i'm ready.




And then... all this other stuff happening... ugh. He's giving me A Look haha. I'm still shy, still feeling like a ~wild thing~. But I know it's not true, I've let him on my back so many times that it doesn't even render as strange anymore. I'm tamed, I guess, but I'm still shy to admit it. And he's laughing and placing his hand on my nose Importantly and fuck you <3

Augh. Things I want to say but I don't know. Barriers. But hey the person I want to read these trash subjects the most has an lj now so I can make the trashiest ones of all friends only so :v

Just... ok. I admit that in the past I looked down on people who gushed endlessly about their fictives and seemed like all their headspace and plurality was was just them and a bunch of their favorite characters from recent/popular movies and tv shows and stuff. I judged people and systems like that and it was wrong of me. No matter what I think then and now, it doesn't matter.

And now I'm pretty much karmatically getting my ass whipped for that, because SOMEBODY.... has a habit of coming into a world and utterly changing the shit out of it, for the better. Hiro showed up last night because he felt us thinking about him a lot and just CONJURED A CHAIR TO SIT IN AND WHAT. What. What the hell. That's not how it WORKS. How can people just do this now. Headspace is fundamentally changing, the rules are changing again. Again just when I thought I'd got it sorted out, something deep down shifted like a tectonic plate.

and i was thinking on the ride home from lunch today that maybe this is what i always needed. someone inside whose feelings i couldn't doubt, whose words were immune to being twisted by my darkness into weapons to use against myself. i can't tell myself he's sick of me, can't tell myself i'm talking too much and he wants me to leave him alone, or that i'm too clingy or any of the other garbage of which it likes to convince me. because i can sense the truth of the matter. i can sense his heart at all times. and vice versa. that's the nature of our relationship. i'm vehemently opposed to the concept of "other halves" or someone showing up to complete you and that's not what this is. but. maybe Dale was right with the 'perfect sync' idea.

When Hiccup first became evident, before I even met him before he was even remotely lucid, we noticed changes. Animals behaving differently. Like a small earthquake that they could sense before we did. That's what he's basically been, a force of nature that's shaken up everything and just up and changed all the rules. And I hate you I love you for that, endlessly. Ugh. I'm garbage put me in the dump.

WHY WHEN I ACTUALLY LOSE THE ENTRY I'M WORKING ON IS THE ONLY TIME IT DOESN'T SAVE A DRAFT GO FUCK URSELF UPDATE PAGE


ugh. ughhhHH ok basics of what I wrote

- nervous about moving day coming a lot sooner than expected when this winter storm has been dangling its balls in our faces for so long I haven't been able to get out and get anything done
- it's COLD AS FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK in north carolina right now, cold as the Void, cold as between
- getting close to being able to draw my dragonself, gotta get rid of this self consciousness about drawing the same things over and over, THAT'S LITERALLY THE ONLY WAY YOU IMPROVE AT DRAWING THINGS SELF


yeah that's about it. goddamnit livejournal get ur shit together plz. now i have to get dressed and bundle up HUGELY WELL AND GO TO WORK BYE.

headspace thoughts bc today was a very Nothing Day [which is good. so much stress the past several months, the biggest problem we've had since June is now gone. and done. for at least like a year. which is wonderful] other than Majora's Mask. which went exactly as expected and was wonderful and i had so much feelings. still having feelings. but i'll probably babble about that later when i feel more inspired to babble about gaming instead of what i am going to babble about, which is headspace.


thing 1: headspace needs a name. like a place name. but it's so hard to name a place that is... multiple worlds in and of itself. like could you give the universe itself a name? because i couldn't. it's hard. but i'm tired of saying headspace all the time. where do the Broken Arrows live? that should be a name.

thing 2: i am really really grateful for the awesome tag team kinda dynamic that Hiccup and i have implemented over the past few months. but i'm really looking forward to when things move toward a more equal group. a bigger family of sorts. like more people become interested in fronting regularly and hanging around near the front, or being on call sorta. for a month or so it's been almost entirely just me and Hiccup. which has been AWESOME don't get me wrong but like... i'd like our front team to grow again like it used to be ;o;
Jewel is always hanging around the edges but never quite... coming in the room. just looking in through the doorway and then passing by again. i wonder what she's about.

thing 3: this week has been fox feels for me. grey/red fox in turns. feel this coming on whenever i feel relaxed and content. a brush tailed whiskery fox curling up by a fire, sometimes bright red as a fire himself. comfy and calm. not a usual shape for me but i'm a Shapeshifter so these things happen. i'm coming to realize that i am dragon. dragon is my main shape. i mean human is also a main/extremely common shape because i'm a Core, and closely tied to the body, but as for what am i, i'm a dragon. and it's really, really nice to finally know that. to finally sort of come into myself after these years of floating, questioning, doubting.
i'm even starting to finalize into a shape: copper scales for sure this time, black wings, maybe more black things. feathers around the neck and tail and some others. maybe covert feathers on the wings? not sure. long neck like a heron's that bends back in flight. fish eater. it's really nice to know myself. to know us, the System. this morning i was questioning my desire for a Broken Arrow tattoo, like we've only used that name for a few months, are we sure that's the name we want to go with? and like... no, we're not really, but... i'm starting to know the feeling of finding a Name. like Oliver. a few weeks ago i realized that i had been using the name Oliver for myself for almost two years and still considered it to be in the waffling stage, like 'oh i'm not sure i might change my mind later' but... no. nope. Oliver is me. that's pretty much settled down now. Oliver is my name and i have not once wiggled about it or not liked it in ANY way for years now. that is an extremely good sign. and i need to relax and finalize it, i've given it WAY more than an acceptable amount of time to test drive. same for Broken Arrows, it's a name that we have carried in our hearts in some form since 2007, it's a reference to the Toy Soldier... yes. i am learning the feeling of Names. i even think i know what to do with the name Howl, what it means and why it keeps hanging around. yep.

thing 4: i'm not going to get romantic with someone in headspace. i'm not going to get romantic with someone in headspace. i am not going to fucking get in a romantic fucking situation with a fucking person who shares my fucking head when i still lack any grasp on the concept of what the hell romance even is god damn it stop looking at me with those eyes stop




i guess that's all the things for now SHRUGS. doing a little doodling and feeling some feels and talking to friends and then bed will happen.