thebrokenarrows: (Default)

found a super fuckin Vernon song. guess what. it's Sleeping At Last. this surprises no one. but it feels real good to see him vibing with this stuff. so here's a Vernon


andddd a little me!

091315

Sep. 13th, 2015 09:25 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
instead of rambling on twitter, i should post coherently through here.



i find that i'm really good at asking nicely, especially through text or if given a little while to parse my thoughts out in the most gentle and friendly way. i hope that this sort of inviting demeanor doesn't change when i become more masculine. because while it does cause people to hit on me because i'm very accomodating and warm by nature [despite the untrue accusations of being "cold" always flung at me by parentals], it also gets me in where other people would be rejected because i'm [at my best, anyway,] able to very calmly and understandingly get my point across and avoid the other person feeling invalidated in any way. making other people feel good about themselves is a strong anchor for me. and also helps you get what you want. esp if you really believe the things you tell them haha. you don't HAVE to believe them, but i much prefer to tell people good truths about themselves rather than nice lies.

i mention this because a blog that i follow on tumblr [they might be a mutual? i forget, i pay so little attention to notes these days] has some interesting abstract sort of kintypes, like space-kin and god-kin and i was really curious about what that feels like. because i can't QUITE relate to either one to be honest. and i wanted to know, so i sent an ask. and i very gently, while maintaining that i was curious only and not critical [understandably, people are quite touchy about weirdos on tumblr asking them about their kintypes, since there's endless trolling around this subject] and actually i got a response later saying they'd love to answer when they get home! and i felt like the positive response was because i have this talent for phrasing a question in a very gentle, warm and positive manner. and i should put this talent for words into use. i am very good at asking delicate questions without offending people. i'm looking forward to their in-depth response when they get home later, i always love their mixes on 8tracks that they share about their experiences with such things. even if i can't relate i really enjoy it.

although maybe i can relate more than i admit readily. the idea of being a [rising, slowly self-acknowledging, coming into one's own power] deity in one's own headspace. is not unfamiliar to me.


it's really nice to be able to recognize things that you are good at and just flatly state them, objectively. be able to put forward what your skills and talents are and just know in your heart that they're true. and that you're not fluffing yourself up, making more of yourself than you really are, or any such thing. and not lying to yourself in an effort to "fake it til you make it". none of that. just straight up: i'm good at this. this is what i'm good at. i'm good at delicately asking personal questions or gently breaking bad news when i have to.

and it's really nice to be able to reject people's opinions of you as straight up false. untrue. wrong. i used to think that all people's opinions about ME and how i live my life were equally valid and worthy of consideration. but guess what, past self, that is completely false. it feels really good to just throw them carelessly away and no longer regard them as even possibly true. that old belief that maybe it's TRUE that i'm cold, selfish, cruel, arrogant, hateful, mean, unwilling to listen and stupid, maybe all of those things are TRUE because people that i highly respect expressed these opinions about me. since i respect them that means their opinions mean something, right? and that means i should take them into consideration. well, dear past self, you are wrong. and anyone who tells you such things about yourself needs to be kept at arm's length at best and is not your friend. i'm not saying don't ever listen to criticism but you KNOW what kind of person you are. you KNOW that you are a gentle and warm and loving person. you perform this function 100% of the time, you never fail to be caring and thoughtful and kind. sometimes TOO caring, TOO thoughtful and TOO kind for your own good. and if people report to you that they experience the opposite, review those reports with high suspicion. they are very likely lies told to you for any number of cruel reasons. remember the people who told you these things; review over the years who they all were and what things they had in common. their relationships with you. bad teachers, bad bosses, bad family members, all of them disease ridden unhealthy connections that are best cut off.
and not only that, but look at the care with which you take others' opinions into consideration, even TERRIBLE cruel "opinions" about what kind of person you are for god's sake. even taking crap like that seriously, that stuff proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are a very empathetic and considerate human being who listens to others and takes their opinions seriously always. like, to a fault sometimes! nevermind all those awful lies told to you about how you never listen to anyone's advice, hardheaded, stubborn blah blah blah. all bullshit. you know the truth, you know that you are an observant and caring person who listens sometimes TOO much to the thoughts of others. you are a kind, thoughtful and sensitive person, and these are not empty flattery but absolute truth, about younger me as well as current me.
you are so kind and caring and empathetic about others' feelings that you worry yourself to death about how other people see you or think about you or how you come off to them. you used to stay up all night making yourself sick with weeping over the fact that no matter how hard you listened and tried to follow your parents' advice, no matter how hard you SHOWED them that you listened you were invariably told anyway that you were stubborn and deaf to any advice given to you. that used to give you migraines from stress. all these things are absolute proof that you are a good and sweet and big-hearted person and none of these things are empty words to try to guide you into behaving how you "should", these are flat facts.
this is how you learn to love yourself.



daily life:

bb and i went out for lunch together because he doesn't have much more free time before renaissance festival season starts. lunch at the Diamond is always so good, and we always eat too much hahah but it's worth it. i had a whole pile of fried pickles that were delicious and perfect. and okra that was also perfect. [omg it's okra season 8D] and they gave me my fish sandwich on this hoagie-type roll instead of the usual, and it turned out to be almost better and held together better than the regular sandwich. and the waitress was super nice and i love the big dude from the kitchen who came out to hand me our fried pickles that i always see around there.
and then bb decided to play songs on the jukebox, some old nostalgic Motown-y music that he always remembered from childhood trips to the beach, and only wanted two songs out of three plays that he paid for, so he let me request one. and i found September by Earth, Wind and Fire and that's how i ended up playing EWF to the entire restaurant inside and out and experiencing the pure joy that is September. and thinking what a positive influence my old band teacher Mr Wallace was to my appreciation of mid 20th-century "black" music genres and their HUGE cultural importance and contribution to what pop music and all music became and is becoming. just this three minutes of pure joy. i love September and I love EWF and I love the music that black american culture produced throughout the twentieth century and i love that i went from growing up in a very racist household to being exposed to the pure joy that is blues, jazz, R&B and various pop genres because of having a black teacher with these interests. and the kind of music he exposed me to via media and choosing such music for the band to play. not only did i gain an appreciation for music as an art form and all kinds of classical music, but the way i grew to adore and respect black music through the decades and the vital role that it has played in the evolution of music as a whole just... man! lemme tell you. someday i wanna tell this to him personally. tell him how he helped one random little eleven year old white kid expand their horizons musically and culturally so far beyond the sheltered way they were raised. [edit: after finishing this entry i did exactly that through facebook hahaha. cuz i'm feelin emotional about it right now. love for ya.]


then we hopped around two antique stores. the first one had a creepy old-people smell and the store owner made me mildly uncomfortable [and did that thing that antique store owners do often to young people in their shop, and watch them like a hawk in case they steal or break anything. i've actually been refused entry to an antique store before by its owner because i 'wasn't eighteen' and even when i proved to her that in fact i was, she still wouldn't let me in cuz i was SCARY LOOKING, but anyway:] and the music playing was very 1940s and creeped me out a lot, in the way that that crooning simpering-female-vocals-plus-strings music from that period often does for some unplaceable reason. but the second shop was very nice and had lots of cool things, including many awesome instant cameras. [one of them had half a pack of Super Old Expired Film from Kodak[???] still in it, that of course was dead and would not shoot. i opened it up and removed the film, and the store owner caught my eye and told me that that was the film. and i laughed because of course i wouldn't know what a pack of instant film looks like, except that i happened to be intimately familiar!]
the only thing that made this shop much less awesome was as we left, the store owner... kinda drilled us about why we didn't buy anything and made a comment that all day today he had seen "nothing but deadbeats" in his store?? which was... i almost thought i misheard him, wow that was some bad customer service haha. i was slightly miffed by that. and i definitely won't forget it, what a poor last impression you made on us. people window shop for many reasons you know, and if you hadn't said that to A Customer's Face, then maybe we would have come back and bought some of the cool books [and beautiful accordion and concertina!!!] for very fair prices that you had! and now i doubt we will. at least not if you're behind the counter, grizzled old white dude who watched football on a tiny old tv!
[addendum: this store has two and a half stars on yelp and several reviews complaining about the store owner's "jokes" or attitude some days. oh my. apparently this is just how he runs the joint. that's unfortunate]

side note: i should definitely try to get my car fixed up and running reliably again by next week if possible, or as fast as i can. after next week, he won't have any days off, truly, for two months. working five days a week and then all weekend at the renaissance festival, for the next two months. including the last weekend of september. so he's only got one more weekend before that season begins. it's gonna be a whole lot of fun but his lifestyle will change somewhat, and thus so will mine. i'm going to have to definitely be more independent when it comes to getting out of the house and having fun or doing work or anything. and consider that alright.

i'm feeling very calm and centered today. i did have some "brain swerves" at times - when you just start feeling your brain reel towards irrational fear and stressful thoughts for no reason, then usually clearing away after a few minutes - but they passed quickly enough. i'm slouching and not keeping good posture and feeling kinda restless and uncomfortable again, but instead of agitating my depression like it often does, there's just this pervading feeling that i'll float through all of my problems and arrive at the other side intact. which i gotta say is really nice. i want to be able to hold onto this peaceful feeling. and not even give thought to the idea that i can't.

feel like i'm doing so much growing, so much learning. and decided that yeah, i basically took september off from life. from fiscal responsibility. after this month ends is when i'll start job hunting again. start putting that part of my life back up and running. start working out what to say about why i quit my job. and because of my talent for carefully phrasing words together [!!], i think i can make this work. with a little help from people like my stepsister and mentor in all things job related. she's so damn good at getting jobs that i'll always envy her. she's one of those extroverted introverts like my girlfriend, where people EXHAUST her but if you didn't know better, you couldn't tell cuz she's so loudly social.

also, the other day, i don't know if i wrote about it but my friend Stef came up to the house and i did a commission piece for her, she modeled nude [plus some knee high rainbow stripey socks haha] and i sketched her. and it was a lot of fun, she paid me money plus a cheap dinner. and i took her to save point and she loved it, as does everyone that i take there lol. also i showed them where i was accidentally double-charged for a small item last time, and no questions asked i got enough store credit to buy a SNES game for a dollar. i love that damn store.
and i also gave her my Big Swinger 3000, my first polaroid camera that's super old and in great shape but film basically doesn't exist for it these days. she said she'll take shots with it but who knows if that'll really happen. regardless i've been wanting it off my hands for a while now that i have a camera that actually takes film and works lol, and i think she'll take care of it. [ironic because during our trips to the antique store today i found many old Polaroids [and a Kodak Handle omg, look those things up they were some controversy] from the Big Swinger era!]
i found out today upon arriving home that when she left my apartment she... hung out and smoked a blunt with my neighbors. and showed them my sketch of her, and now the wife really wants to model for me too haha. i don't... really care to get involved with them, they are nice to me but they have a lot of drama and i refuse to get mixed up in it. but thank god she assures me that she's not interested in getting close to them. cuz that's just not... a twist of fate that i want in my life haha. they are probably good people but i want to enjoy the good in them from a distance because the bad is... pretty bad.

i really like reading the blogs of people that i'm totally unconnected with. i discovered that the Finsters bird blog of old that i used to read in like high school has vanished from the face of the internet after not being updated since 2011, and even with my googling skills [another talent! it rarely fails me, i know just what inputs to make to get what i want very quickly. i tell people i know how to tickle google] i couldn't find a hint of the owner or her birds anywhere. i have no idea what happened to them, but i wish them well. but in my google quest to find the birds and their owner[s], i found this total other blog written in a somewhat different style, but i wound up reading the chronicles of the blogger's divorce. and her upbeat tone even when she is having a hard time is really nice and inspirational for me. and maybe reading it has helped with this lofty mood i'm in right now.


other thoughts about: my parents, about the idea of blaming things on them and what level is 'acceptable' or justified, about "taking responsibility" for one's own actions. and the idea that... recognizing the effect of your upbringing on your adult life is almost criminalized by this culture and the message is often that you need to "grow up and accept that whatever you do is your own fault". which is really kinda toxic! the truth is that we are part nature and part nurture and that you choose every action that you take, but your motivations are shaped by your experiences. you are in control of all this. you are the center of your world and your own power. but the past is very real and it made you into who you are today for better or worse. the question is how much do you invite it into your life. how much do you acknowledge it. how much do you bring up, deal with, and process and move on.


wow this was such a long and introspective entry!! it's full of good thoughts. i've been typing for over an hour and i keep going back and adding more, and my fingers are actually tired, which never happens. i approve. let me have more days like this.
thebrokenarrows: (general)
I'm Oliver.
I'm a witch. An atheistic pagan witch who worships dirt and trees and gods that exist in the mind but that have indomitable power. I shake and bend and burn to get my subconscious where it needs to go. I'm superstitious and I know it's all ultimately horseshit and I do it anyway because belief WORKS. Being a religious person with reverence everywhere and within me even totally without belief in outside gods is power.
I'm transgender. A femme-y trans boy with a rounded chest and big gorgeous hips and luscious thick thighs. These things will shift and change when I become more who I want to be, but I love my body and I love the feminine energy I was born with and the more I accept my male gender the more I feel and embrace this feminine power.
I'm queer. I no longer have a concept of someone being excluded from my attraction by gender alone. I have a type, sure, and the type can be summed up in one word - genderbender - LOL but I love boys and girls and girlboys and boygirls and others and whoever I want. It's a very freeing power.
I'm romantic. A hopeless romantic and I'm learning to embrace and love this aspect of myself. Learning that people don't hate my attention and in fact often enjoy it. Learning to find and respect the line instead of giving it the widest possible berth. Learning to see myself in a better light via improving my concept of how others think of me. And that my friends is power.
I'm polyamorous. It's natural to me and I've learned this. I can and do fall in love with multiple people and there is no shame, no guilt, no lies between anyone. I just went semi public about my second relationship and I'm so happy about it. I'm sharing myself with different people and they reflect myself back at me differently, and getting inside their heads just makes me fall more in love with each of them. This is real happiness and trueness to myself. This is my power.
I'm an artist. It splits my mind endlessly into more people and beings than I can count and I love each one of them. I tell their stories. I'm drawing more than I have in ages and it feels so good. It's what I was meant to do, to tell stories and create. I feel it in my bones. It's my true self and it's power.

If I could speak to myself from seven years ago - and if I try hard enough, I basically can - I'd tell him that power is not something to be afraid of. It's not something above your status. Not something you don't deserve. Not something evil that people only want because they're human and that being human is somehow innately evil because we're all "control freaks". YOU control your own life. You have to desire control and keep it that way. It's not only human but healthy. Feeling in control of your own life is essential for emotional health. There is no wrong or shame in that. I am finding my power and radiating my own self out from that center of power. And it makes me strong and true and let's be honest: drop dead sexy.
thebrokenarrows: (general)
In Vienna there's ten pretty women
There's a shoulder where Death comes to cry
There's a lobby with nine hundred windows
There's a tree where the doves go to die
There's a piece that was torn from the morning,
and it hangs in the Gallery of Frost -
Ay-ay-ay...
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take this waltz with the clamp on its jaws

Oh, I want you - I want you - I want you
In a chair with a dead magazine;
In a cave at the tip of the lily;
In some hallway where love's never been;
On a bed where the moon has been sweating
In a cry filled with footsteps and sand
Ay-ay-ay...
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take its broken waist in your hand

There's a concert hall in Vienna,
Where your mouth had a thousand reviews
There's a bar where the boys have stopped talking;
They've been sentenced to death by the blues
Ah, but who is it climbs to your picture
with a freshly-cut garland of tears
Ay-ay-ay...
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take this waltz, it's been dying for years

There's an attic where children are playing
Where I've got to lie down with you soon
In a dream of Hungarian lanters
In the mist of some sweet afternoon
And I'll see what you've chained to your sorrow
All your sheep and your lillies of snow;
Ay-ay-ay...
Take this waltz, take this waltz
With its "I'll never forget you, you know!"

This waltz, this waltz, this waltz this waltz
With its very own breath of brandy and death
Dragging its tail in the sea

And I'll dance with you in Vienna;
I'll be wearing a river's disguise
The hyacinth wild on my shoulder,
My mouth on the dew of your thighs
And I'll yield to the flood of your beauty,
my cheap violin and my cross
And you'll carry me down on your dancing
To the pools that you lift on your wrist

Oh, my love, oh, my love
Take this waltz, take this waltz
It's yours now. It's all that there is.




[trying to write my own words underneath these feels so crude hah]
I heated up a pot of tea and used the remains from our smores night to make tea, as in the meal. As soon as I got back to the bedroom to set down my plate it started raining. The most beautiful of brief afternoon summer downpours. I propped open my broken window and put on Leonard Cohen - the song that stuck with me like a burr, the song that I first listened to almost as a joke but somehow has become so close to my heart so quickly - watched the flooding and listened to the cars on the wet road and dreamed of the girl that I love teaching me to waltz. I needed that moment. Felt so myself, so pure and true and clear. And I have since then. Like I might finally know who I actually am. At least when all the rubbish gets cleared away and I can see it, like right now.



I'm someone who is really into antiquated technology. Who chases after these things. And doesn't really think about it, about what my interests all seem to have in common is that they're sorta outdated. My typewriter [sadly neglected, needs a ribbon], my game boys and other old game systems, my Polaroid camera, my hopefully soon to begin vinyl player and record collection... these things are all so tactile, so tangible. I'm such a touch-based person, so to feel the shift and clunk of typebars as you write or to feel the hinge on your camera swing back and kick into place, the healthy heft of a full film cartridge in your camera or load of batteries in your game boy... it's so right. How things should be. I've got no grudge against things like cell phones or computers, hardly, I love them and can't get away lol. But to me there is just something about certain older technologies that I'll always pursue and make part of my life I think.



Want to write about some thoughts I've been having regarding my sex lately. I know this isn't the universal opinion but I more or less fall in line with the idea of sex being your physical geno/phenotype [i.e. what's in your genes/between your legs at birth] and gender being your identity and personality. So my gender is male, effeminate but solidly male. My sex is what you would call female although we really need a different word for these things that isn't the same word for a gender presentation :p. My sex is... "receptive"? I'm a vagina person? LOL. What I'm saying is... although I'm solidly a male person and want only to be treated as a man by society, I'm pretty happy with being born the way I was. Being the smaller, alluring sex. The one I find almost universally appealing. [I maintain that girls are magical and mysterious creatures with awesome intoxicating powers, and the more they know how to wield it the more helpless I am to resist them lol]  Like if only society was set up in such a way that a boy of short stature with big hips and a vulva was widely accepted bc I feel happy that way. Happy invoking my feminine side even while my body is so feminine that everyone thinks I'm a girl. Feel solid enough in my masculine identity that I can wear pretty rocks on my finger, paint my nails, actually like the color pink. Feel comfortable in my cute and somewhat femme demeanor. It's been a long time coming.

And god almighty I'm a fucking nerd but another thing that's made me more comfortable in my sex is steven universe LOL. Like yes the gems aren't TRULY female but you know what, they all present female and seeing so many strong capable female bodied people doing work and getting shit done makes me feel good about myself. When I get dysphoria I always feel so weak and stupid and seeing these women [alien women, but whatever :V] being shown as no-bullshit powerful and wise and worthy of respect and even awe from the protagonist.... feels really good. Makes me feel more confident in my shapely legs and big hips. And even my hated chest feels a little better knowing I'm shaped like a gem. :p

052015

May. 20th, 2015 05:52 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
GOTTA WRITE ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY bc it was the best birthday i've had in years and i enjoyed every second p much

SO our plans of course were to go to Carowinds and we got there without a problem but THEN DISCOVERED.... that the park doesn't open to the public on weekdays until next week. wowe. the joys of having a birthday just one week before the Official Beginning of Summer, memorial day weekend. which i guess bb didn't think to check LOL. so we sat there stunned for a minute because bb had already spent almost all his money buying the tickets [so we WILL be going, just not this week lol], but we HAD to do SOMETHING...

so we started back towards town and halfway there we decided we were gonna go to discovery place instead. and guess who managed to get us in for two dollars via their EBT card? that's right: me. i'm a genius. a broke genius.

so we had a great time that place is always great. it did somehow feel significantly smaller than it did going there every year as a kid, even though they renovated the hell out of it five years ago or so which made it feel much nicer and bigger. they had a lot of cool stuff that i hadn't seen before. i watched an exotic species of partridge taking THE FUCKING CUTEST dust bath in the dirt while two huge tortoises eyed each other warily. they had the single angriest puffer fish i'd ever seen, spitting water at me and jerking its head aggressively and staring into my eyes and just generally clamoring for my death. there was a pistol shrimp omg, which was all sorts of ridiculous colors and which responded incredibly curiously to my hands, first making a threat display and then calming down and coming closer to investigate before getting bored and wandering off. [the first time an invertebrate has ever seemed to me to be some kinda intelligent?!?! :o] and i got to touch a sea cucumber, which looked basically just like a huge turd but which was THE MOST DELIGHTFULLY SOFT SMOOTH SQUISHY thing to touch.
and we watched an IMAX movie about great white sharks, and played with all the science machines [i'm too heavy for the AIR CHAIR anymore oh nooo ;_;] and looked at lots of frogs and just generally had a rly great time. not bad for a birthday knocked off course entirely lol.

then when that was done we went down to the Public Market on 7th street and looked around. and got crepes at the crepe place because we were hungry, but also wanted to not eat too much so we could fill up on the stir fry my roomie was cooking up for my birthday. [the crepes were fucking delicious though holy crap] we bought a jar of blackberry jam to spread on homemade bread later, and the guy ringing us up apparently just thought we were cool and gave us a dollar off for it LOL. awesome. thanks man.

so then we went home and ate the things and it was great and i was so stuffed i could barely move. then TIPSY SKYPED w poe and bird for hours and THAT was ALSO great. and THEN before i got to bed i ended up receiving some amazingly good birthday sex. like WHAT MORE COULD A PERSON ASK FOR lol.

so yeah. it was a really great birthday and i'm so glad. and the best part is even though the birthday plan of going to carowinds went bust, i STILL GET TO GO TO CAROWINDS LATER ANYWAY LOL!!


today has been very chill, just relaxing, did some more skyping, then went for a walk and now relaxing again. might draw some things, might watch some things, who knows what i'll do in the last few hours before work. 24 is gonna be a great year. i wasn't prepared for how great the latter half of 23 was to be, but it sure has set me up for greatness.
thebrokenarrows: (general)
should mention my dream. was really more like a scene, that's all i can remember. but the significant thing is that i was there and, unusually, not human. i was Dragon. first time i can remember. still brass... when will i change into my summer copper? and Bird was there, human, afraid. i don't know by what, but we were surrounded by Bad Things. and i coiled my lanky body around her, putting myself between her and danger. holding her body in the crook of my wing, placing both my head and tail in front of the enemies. arching my back, hissing and screaming [in a metallic voice, almost reminiscent of the brassy trumpeting of a Pernese dragon, and i think that's fitting]. spitting from my mouth not fire, but sparks and hot coals of pure rage.

i don't know and i may never know what happened on this day but the things my mind can dream up make my dragonself rear up and SCREAM with righteous anger and vengeance. i will trample and burn anything that comes between me and my loved ones. my charges. they are under my protection.

032715

Mar. 27th, 2015 03:43 pm
thebrokenarrows: (Default)
today just feels wrong. idk. it's still and overcast outside and usually i love a cloudy day but this one just has some Wrongness to it. not just because Bird's quiet. i'm ok with that. even though fuckin... of course bad shit would have to fall on this day for her. like jesus christ. and i can't be there as much as i want. i mean i can but not really what i want is to physically BE there. even though i don't know if that's what she'd even want right now. that's how i know i'm fucked. in love. i only want for her happiness, or peace, or whatever it means to feel good about life on the whole, most of the time.

my own life is peaceful right now but i just. i dunno. don't feel right. the balance is off. maybe because it's uncomfortably cold today, not how it should be. things are not as they should be, in general. they will be okay, but for the time being i feel very unsettled.

trying to decide if i want to wait for bb to get back or if i want to venture out and find food. i won't do that too much this paycheck, but we haven't gotten grocery lists or anything together yet so. eh.

and Poe - fucking. first of all i want to thank you again for honoring me with your private blog. and second, fucking HELL MAN YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME LONG AGO. that you had been dealing with motherfucking Baron Samedi/Papa Ghede. nope. hell to the fucking nope. i know that name. i got that call, once, a long time ago. did not pick up the phone. and i STILL to this day get little taps on the outsides of my mind. cigar smoke makes me look twice. but nope. sorry. nnnnope. i do not fuck with Loa. even if part of me feels a little compelled to. hell no. i was wise enough not to fuck with em as a baby pagan when i got the call and i'm still too chicken lmfao. maybe someday but even then i doubt it. Death Herself is quite enough of a ride for me. hell i can fuck with LOKI, the face of the Trickster. but not Loa. Nope. this little white boy ain't metal enough to go anywhere near the Loa. and may never be.

eh. idk what else. it's early in the day and i've just been reading. i may watch another episode of doctor who, kinda going back over that again bit by bit because... i can't articulate how important that show is to me. and always was. and all the things the Doctor taught me. kdjsdfs.

was thinking last night and it's really way too early to tell but the fact is, this year MIGHT be the start of a Core shift. a new reign/era. so much has fucking changed. it's probably not happened yet and really i never know that it's happed until after the fact - it's not totally like regeneration :v - but i realized that, i bet you the world, if there is a most recent Core other than myself from like the 2012-2014 era to be cast off, they're going to use the name Magpie. one that was important to me and then sharply fell off like that. that's a token sign of a name being reserved if you ask me. so it may very well go summer/apostrophe > thirteen > kyo > vernon > magpie > oliver. we'll see. i'm not counting any chickens until the person actually shows up in headspace. which is usually like at least a couple years after the Core shifts. so i might be a new me and not even really know it yet. although i definitely FEEL like that what with everything that's happened since last fall.

yeah. so. i'm ok, but some things outside are less ok and it makes me pretty grumpy that i can't just fix it. can't just crawl into bed and hug my loved ones all better. and work tonight is gonna be busy as hell, even last night was surprisingly busy. maybe the cold will keep some of the drunks at home, we can hope for that.

032615

Mar. 26th, 2015 06:50 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
wow i didn't write yesterday, think that's been the first day all month :v

idk. what's on my mind? other than the usual trash?

been listening to a lot of Daniel Johnston. and thinking that i should bust out the big keyboard that's living in my car rn. i should find someplace where i can store it because. i should start playing with it. i never learned the proper fingerings but that same exact situation for computer keyboards never stopped me from typing 80wpm, right? idk. i should definitely do that especially since i'm actually home alone semi-regularly now. WHICH IS REALLY GOOD FOR ME BTW. really important. once i can get the guts to actually do stuff.

 thing that i think i should maybe write a song about is Stormy's death. maybe. i dunno. that'd be a fucking sad sack fucking song. but. that's a pile of sludge that's been lurking around in my insides for two years and i've never quite hacked it all the way out. and i mean honestly it's the death of a loved one, essentially the death of a child, it NEVER WILL be completely gone and that's fine. but. idk. i think that might be a subject. among MANY OTHER ONES I PROMISE NOT JUST SAD ONES

and i can tell you too that this is a HUGE sign that i'm growing. changing. i'm afraid to say the b-word, but... maybe even that. slowly. which is so wonderful. what i can also tell you is that things that used to jar the shit out of me or be legitimate triggers that would stop me cold and make me have to sorta reboot my brain - loud noises like a big rig hissing right in my ear while driving, for example, or the sound of a door knocking - just make me flinch now. they still bother me but they don't turn me into a curled up ball of terror anymore. i feel like bones that were exposed to the world are covered in new, healthy tissue now and thus when things bounce off them, it doesn't hurt so bad.

yesterday i talked to Bird in the morning on skype and THEN AT NIGHT I TALKED TO POE ON SKYPE LIKE ALL NIGHT. SO WOWOWOW DOUBLE SKYPES IN ONE DAY AND THEN!!! THIS AFTERNOON i got home from our outing and THEY WERE ON AGAIN SO LIKE 3 SKYPES IN 24 HOURS. so great. hell yeah. maybe the universe is kissing our ass to make up for the 3 days right after they got back from their trip. [i literally cannot believe it's been a week since they left jesus christ. the weekend felt like it alone took a week. that week or 2 that i'll spend up there in Utah is gonna last 5 seconds I swear to god]

idk. i seem to be back in this tuned into outside space phase again, where it's hard for me to let go of the front and pay attention to what's inside. but like. the other night hiccup had me just not even use my eyes inside, not try to focus on seeing visually, and just use all of my other senses. hearing and feeling. and i can do that!! i can do that even right now while i'm looking at things outside!! i can hear and feel and use inside senses that have no analog on the outside, and i at least keep track with that when my inside eyes won't focus properly. but if i AM in this phase again at least it's for a good reason because life outside is kinda amazing right now aslkjalkdjfasd

the trees outside my window are budding and IT'S AMAZING SPRING IS HERE IM SO GLAD ;w; winter is DONE AND OVER.

so our outing, when we woke up bb and i went to Red Lobster. and he didn't believe me that a $25 gift card wouldn't cover much :V but we were cheapo and actually managed to only go over 50 cents!! the amount of food we got was truly disappointing for 25 bucks, but i mean for the 50 cents that we actually paid, it was a lot LOL. so then after that bb convinced me to go to the cracker barrel and get some candy. which i mean we probably shouldn't have but. ya know. it was nice. :B and also i have strong associations with Cracker Barrel being THE PLACE WE GO ON ROAD TRIPS [would go like every year to see my maw maw in WV, and ALWAYS stopped at cracker barrel. and i would ALWAYS get myself a beanie baby while there lmfao. so we didn't eat there but the inside of the place was the exact fucking same even tho i've never been to this particular one. [they even still had a beanie baby corner. and it was the same corner. omg wtf. even though beanie babies suck ass now and look like crap] it was pretty awesome and we got some neat candies. YE. so that was a fun time.

WHAT ELSE idk. feeling kinda hyper right now but also like i don't want to do anything?? lol?? idk maybe i'll clean up because the room looked SUPER NICE and now it's a bit cluttered again. idk. only got like 2 hours until work and it's a long work night ahead but should be fine. thursdays are pretty easy and it's the most legit manager tonight so.


IDK LIFE IS GOOD TALKIN 2 MA BIRD AND LIKE. FEELIN LIKE IT'S OK TO BE SAPPY AND ROMANTIC AND BOLDLY STATE MY FEELINGS LIKE WOW AMAZE. I don't have to be ashamed and secretive and hide my feelings about everything????? Like they're not repulsive or disturbing????? Like what the hell lol. AMAZING FINDINGS

Only thing is Hiccup misses being up front so I'm gonna do my best to let go and let him have it completely tonight. Mostly anyway. I'm a little concerned about some hints I've been picking up about tomorrow so I'm gonna also have A Presence for the night. But work is allll his because he's the one who actually ENJOYS it. And he misses having a body and stuff so also that. God imagine if he ever physically got sexy with anyone lmfao i'm just sayin JUST SAYIN DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT

///

Mar. 20th, 2015 06:34 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
feel like i should make a more detailed lj post about my day idk

DID MY TAXES. and even tho i had to pay $100 for being too poor to afford insurance when i was told i wouldn't have to... my refund is still huge. bigger than any year previous omg. omg. and even though i can't find my direct deposit info because of moving and so i have to wait for it to come in the mail... STILL STOKED. gonna be a real help.

bb just left after we did our taxes together, bc he forgot the zucchini for the roasted veggies and the zucchini is by far the best and most important part. so.

idk. what am i feeling like today. i'm about to take a shower. children are yelling outside. i'm sitting on the futon in the living room and typing away. Murphy was curled up asleep next to me until just a minute ago. i have to leave for work entirely too early today and i woke up late [because bb was gone and no Bird to text me awake so tbh no reason to get up early] so i feel pressed for time even though i don't have anything else to do today besides taxes.

feeling kinda... ehh. idk. can't get her off my mind. but i mean... that's nothing new. i'm not broken up about her not being around but it feels fundamentally Wrong. part of my life just missing right now. like i'm poking with my tongue every five minutes at a hole where a tooth should be. it's ok. i'm halfway through as of tonight. it's gone by fast. i never did get the goodbye text and that niggles at my brain, my paranoia trying to convince me something happened but i know nothing happened and it's fine.

just not feeling much of anything rn tbh? which i guess rings some small alarm bells for depression but i pretty much always have depressive tendencies so... that's unsurprising. idk. don't have money or time to get out and do anything fun today really. but yet i was still productive and that's good.

played more puzzle league. beat normal mode and then hard mode 1p campaign hell yeah. notably on hard mode i beat Sabrina in TWELVE SECONDS LOLOL. didn't even mean to, it just went that way and it was great. and then later Bruno stomped me TWICE before i was able to beat him. so i had to use continues but still.

jesus christ those children are screaming at the tops of their lungs why don't they play somewhere besides the stairwell >_<

idk. just been a day. just trying to get through the weekend as fast as possible. i wanted this weekend to be full of ~adventure~ but somehow didn't consider that i'm broke as fuck because of poor decision making this last week :| so.... yeah. but i'll find something to do. still reallllly really wanna take that trip to Huntersville at the first opportunity and go see the raptor center with Hiccup and the witchy shop.

shit i was going to go to the post office today, just remembered and now it's too late >:/

speaking of Hiccup, it seems like his little trip out into the wilderness of headspace resulted in some... issues with us syncing up like we did before? like it's harder for me to sense him now, it's like it's back to where it was a while ago. harder for him to front or for me to stay tuned in and hear him consistently. it's kinda upsetting but i mean, what's done is done and all we can do is work on it. i don't emotionally feel like it hurt my trust or anything like that. not at all. but idk. i guess we have to build the bond back up some to where it was. idk, i've never done this kind of thing before so i don't really have an understanding. he's been back about as long as he was gone and it's not back to normal and that... doesn't seem right. idk. we'll try to work on it i guess.

idk. don't feel great or bad about this day. just kinda doing my thing. was productive, did something important and that's good. hard to hear headspace or feel them nearby right now but... it'll pass. things will be back to normal soon enough.

031715

Mar. 17th, 2015 10:30 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
haha what do i even write? more sappy shit bc today that's how i'm feelin'. fell asleep at 6 and slept until the sun went down. had a crazy long dream about driving to weird places with bb, sometimes in one car and sometimes in our separate cars, at some point we got underneath a big rig and had to maneuver our way out without getting killed???? idk but

when we finally arrived at wherever it was, some kinda restaurant... Bird was there. with some friends. and i'm not sure if i knew she'd be there or not but it started out real casual and then i realized that we hadn't ever met in the flesh before. and then shit got really snuggly. in the dream i was shorter than her although irl i think i am just a little bit taller. she would stand behind me with her arms around me and her chin rested right on top of my head. and it was nice. and her hair was rly soft and smelled so nice and it was just. ugh.
and i woke up like ohhhh fuck. i'm screwed. laying there alone in the bed with all my clothes on wanting nothing more than to touch someone far away. and it was not an unfamiliar feeling at all. ten years ago this exact thing was happening to me, except now i'm a lot older and wiser about relationships and it's way healthier. [oops. did i just call this a relationship? is it a relationship? like in That Way? i don't know. i shouldn't say for sure haha.] but like... the irony is killin' me. it was exactly ten years ago that this happened the first time. and i'm not comparing the two events really except for timing and the fact they're both long distance [and like... the same distance... tucson vs salt lake basically... wtf] but... wow. ya.

and part of me feels like "didn't i learn last time? why'd i let myself go this far again?" as if it's a mistake. as if last time was a mistake. Dale and i are still great friends and i love him dearly. our relationship was kind of... intense and not incredibly healthy but i learned from it, we both did, and it was alright. we were young'ns who both came from a family whose only knowledge of love was pretty toxic. i'm pretty proud of how much i've taught myself over the years about how love really works. what's healthy and what's poisonous. so many people never get that chance.

the great thing about love is that you'll always kinda have that little spark. what happened between dale and i lasted all of two years and then was over, and we had a little rough patch at times but i still look towards him with soft eyes, tbh. would i ever date him again, probably not, and that's fine. but if we ever do meet up, i feel like it would be a shame not to kiss him one good time HAHA. how many times did i want more than anything and never got to as a teenager?

idk man. feelz. i love this year so much thus far and it's only a quarter of the way through. the best is yet to come.


in non sappy updates we finally got groceries for the first time yooo. my bank account is pissed off at me bc i haven't been very kind to it this week. >_>' but... i have roughly half the plane ticket fees saved up... hopefully that can stay that way and the car inspection and stuff won't totally kill that lmao. and it's saint Patrick's day [yooo my middle name~] so we went and got some honey whiskey. FINALLY I HAVE HONEY WHISKEY AGAIN yeeeesss. my favorite liquor of all time i think. god i love that shit. it's Bushmills which... i really prefer Jack but i mean. we had to get the irish one. salute to my irish roots. [i have German and English and Cherokee roots as well among others but... ya know.] so i'm gonna drink a little bit, not overmuch. and probably get EVEN SAPPIER. i'm ok with this. and YOU KNOW WHAT'S RLY SPECIAL? i'm also pretty sure Bird is ok with this. do you know what a huge step that is for me to not tell myself no one wants to hear about my feelings, that they are too heavy or too scary or inappropriate? that they don't feel the same and don't want to know that i do in the first place? not telling myself, if someone doesn't respond immediately to something i said, that it was offensive and weird and gross and stupid and they're reconsidering their choice to hang around me??? THAT'S A P BIG DEAL Y'ALL. <3

also help me she calls me Ollie people are actually calling me Ollie as a real name for me and i love it so much abloobloobloo ;www;


and in inner news... hiccup has wandered off a little bit. been feeling him pulling away. not because he doesn't want to be around me, the opposite in fact. like he wasn't letting himself go and travel and wander. he NEEDS to. he needs space and time to fly. i don't want him to feel nailed down. i didn't really want to be up here without him after so long, but... i can't lie to myself. i know i'm strong enough now. before i fell asleep i felt him wheeling high above, now i don't feel him anywhere around. i wonder how long he'll be out there. but i know if i called him he'd immediately come to me, and that's a comfort. i'll be fine. i hope he knows that. i think he does. i think i do too. <3

031515

Mar. 15th, 2015 07:09 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
thinking about traveling today. thinking about the South, and the city that i now call home. i realized last night, i was born in this city. [i think in the hospital near McAlpine creek park. i need to check that park out if it's right where i came into the world.] so it's really good that now i get to experience it more. and i'm learning as i grow older that traveling actually teaches me about where i come from just as much as it teaches me about the new places. like today i learned that Bojangles restaurants originated here in charlotte. which is crazy because i'm pretty sure they've been everywhere i've traveled, from WV to Florida, but they started here in Charlotte in the 70s. o_o also there's Cheerwine which is a soda made by a small-ish local company from the carolinas.

last night at work was really hard. so hard. i came a hair's breadth from shutting down completely, which hasn't happened in a long time. and tonight has the potential to be just as bad, maybe even worse. but the days are peaceful, and for that i'm so grateful. today bb and i got to hang out for the first time in several days, he's just been busy and not home all the time and it's been weird. but today we went to target and got me some work pants [i'm so not ok with spending $30 on pants that are just gonna get all greased up >:| but i needed em and goodwill just had nothing to offer me this time i guess] and shampoo and then ate Bojangles and it was good.

and that was when we got talking about the South and my weird adult-onset pride, or maybe just happiness at having been born here. i dunno. still picking out words to describe the interesting feelings there. like as a kid i had this phase where i was like YEAH COUNTRY YEAH SOUTHERN I GUESS for no... apparent reason? and i was really embarassed of that phase for a while so in my teens i was actively like WHATEVER I JUST HAPPENED TO BE BORN HERE, BEING PROUD OF IT IS POINTLESS IT'S JUST A MATTER OF CHANCE. which also makes sense. but now i'm in my 20s and i'm like you know what? this place has its warts. lots of them. the South has religion problems and politics problems and especially bigotry problems. and being born as a trans queer kid in the South has its own struggles. but like... idk. i feel good about having been born to this place, this life. i don't think i would have chosen a different path for myself. it's coming up really lovely so far. even though i have barely begun my transition to be more comfortable in my own skin... i'm happy right now. and i hope it can keep being that way because it's such a good feeling. looking back on my childhood, i can see the idealized Southern-ness of it all and it's a really comfy sort of memory haha. and like i said, moving away and traveling and growing up gives me perspective and makes me happier about being born to this life. and when i actually leave the South for the first time ever, which should be this summer, that will give me even more.


been repeatedly writing important things on a certain spot on my arm and realized that I need a tattoo there. think it will be like a scroll ribbon, but a long empty length so i can write whatever needs written on there whenever i need. just gotta figure out a good design or have someone do one for me. i'm still not confident enough to do my own tattoo designs to be on my own body haha.
but before i get that one done, my next tattoo will be the Broken Arrows sigil. the symbol of my System. the finalized tattoo design will be drawn by my best friend. that's some powerful magic and make no mistake. and i'm really excited to get it done. it'll be on my lower right leg near the ankle, i think. i would love to have it done by the time i go see her in August or whenever that happens, so she can see it. :D

030615

Mar. 6th, 2015 03:53 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
YES HELLO another day of livin in the city. i'm still not over this. i'm like 50 feet above the ground and listening to cars going by all day long and it's actually become kind of a calming sort of white noise. i miss hearing spring peepers outside my window but. ya know.

SPRING IS COMING I'M HEARING ROBINS AND MOCKINGBIRDS SINGING AT WORK AT NIGHT. yessss. come 2 me. meanwhile it's 35 degrees out at the hottest part of the day today. whatever north carolina. actually Charlotte is significantly higher elevation than the weird topographical hole that is union county so... weather patterns might be a little off from what i know?? IDK??? WE'LL SEE

FUCKIN i think Poe was literally just waiting for me to wake up so he could tease me oh my god. fak u. why do i get crushes on everyone literally every friend that i get close enough to.
actually i thought about this and looking back this is a life long pattern. these feelings DON'T GO AWAY like. ever. when i look back on my best friends from so long ago, Kati, Victoria, Stori, Jon... i feel the same way towards them that i did as a child. it goes beyond just fond friendship into something a little softer. i guess this is just ~my nature~ and i'm finally coming out of my shell and embracing that about myself. wanting to actually act out on my feelings a little. the last thing i want is to make anyone uncomfortable though. SHIT AIN'T SERIOUS. i just wanna snuggle my closest frens a whole lot thats all they are wonderful great people and i have feelings about it ;~; and maybe i would smooch them a little if they were cool with it ok ok i'm blushing my ass off now thinking about smooching all those friends oh god

actually come to think of it did i ever kiss Jon on the lips? we dated in middle school for a while but like we were both way too queer and confused about it for it to be a serious thing LOL. and we didn't then, but being best friends with a large, excitable VERY gay man when you are [seemingly] female will probably get you kissed eventually. and i would still probably make out with him without question if the moment happened LOL!!! i'm not even attracted to him in ~that way~ i just rly love him and also i miss him so much. what a great guy. even if he drinks like a goddamn russian bear and i cannot handle it. he parties WAY TOO HARD I WOULD LITERALLY DIE TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH HIM holy shit Jon slow ur roll. god i miss u.

i miss all my best friends from times long past. it's so nice to have friends that close again god. i realized that graduating high school was the last time i've had human connections like that until now. and now it's gone from "stop texting people so goddamn much Oliver you're annoying as hell" to i just got basically requested to text someone while they're at work because they'll need it and. im cry. it's so nice.

but yeah. actually. would i kiss every single one of those people i just named? with the exception of possibly one of them because we are too out of touch, yep. yep. that's just how my heart works i reckon. i'm VERY VERY SILLY.


also can i mention that i came home to my new apartment from work for the first time and got laid and then went to sleep aND WOKE UP AND GOT LAID AGAIN????? WOW LIFE IS RLY NICE LATELY HOLY SHIT

030215

Mar. 2nd, 2015 04:15 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
this is it. my last day of living at my parents' house. last day using this internet. a thousand things i'll miss and won't miss.


just woke up at 4pm because i wanted to give myself as much rest as possible beforehand. i might get a couple hours sleep after work tomorrow but that might be worse than no sleep at all, i dunno.

feeling very tense. gonna try to breathe and relax. nothing's wrong, i just have to focus and buckle down and get this entire room packed up. i really should have gotten proper work done on my car but i guess anxiety got the best of me there and now i only have time to get the essentials, aka windshield wipers.

it's SO fucking warm outside i wish i had time to enjoy it. 66 degrees right now. this is my kinda weather.

idk what else today. just gonna relax for a bit then go to the auto parts store and buy a set of windshield wipers. then get my last jack in the box for old times' sake before coming home. gonna get my ipod and listen to some music while packing. yep.


yep yep yep. i might not update again until the move is done, so. but i also have lj on my phone so i might do something short on that. we love you all who read this. SPREADING OUR WINGS!
thebrokenarrows: (general)

Something is breathing in the air
Something is moving in the water
And the winds in you are blowing

Bring back my boy
I loved him
I loved him

Little flakes of snow
On the roads and the fences
My head is a flame
My body’s distant
And I am fading out
I can tell it all in time
I’ll go down in a flame
And wheel in the air like a swallow
Diving


------


I came to love spaces inside of me
The winds that blow
The leaves of the almond trees
That would grow by the road
Brushed with light and with snow
And I would ride as far as it goes

Oh, joy of mine, swelling inside of me
I feel your eyes, hands as they form in me
I said it once, said it twice
While you live, when you die
You are free again
You are free

------

His little hook, your little eyelid
The iris dilates while the heart implodes
And when he comes in your dreaming
His mouth still denies
What your heart just knows

Oh no
Nobody would ever have known
No light in the dark would have shown
How you would reply


------


My only boy, be not so blind.
Open your eyelids wide.
In through your mouth, breathe soft, light…

There are no words, no hands, no eyes,
that show where a door stands wide.
In through your mouth, breathe soft, light…

And your heart stands open,
when silence trickles down, bright,
and softly, slowly surrounds
your little ghost town

------

And we march in our rows and rows
Under a burning hand
Past the scars of the wounded land
Into a country of thorns and spines
Wild and unbroken

------

So then he rose, and he rubbed his eyes
Crawled through a hole in a lake of ice
Just to show you all the way
Though the queen has died
She has multiplied

------

If you could ring the sky like a bell
Even such a sound would never suffice
If you could bang the world like a drum
It would only show it was hollow inside

------

Hey, little birdie, catching my eye
Sing little sweet things into this mind
And tug at my darker side

------

In place of the sun
In place of the moon
A terrible light
Will flood every room
And bathed in this light
We will swim again

------

Took me out on the tide
to make pearls of my eyes
and uncover me, oh.
Tore every stitch, every line,
every hook, every eye

------

A wind that lifts the leaves against the night
The reeds that bow and bend beneath its weight
The holy sap, its smoky light
I will not hide

The fish that swim inside the murky deep
The island shores that loom above the sea
The holy, holy melody
Will bring them all to me

------

Daddy, come back to me now
I would beat them away
I would pull you out
I would have washed
All the cinders from your eyes
And with silver and gold
I would adorn you

Let it all come out tonight
When they pull me out alive
Alive!

------

Oh, the falconer awakes to the sound of the bells.
Overhead, and northbound,
they are leaving his life.
And each empty cage just rings in his heart
like a bell,
underneath these cold stars,
in their trembling light.

And he cries, “Amen, let their kingdom come tonight.
Let this dream be realized.”

------

and the hunter’s cry
is still on the air
as the bullet flies home
but the heart that’s pierced with it
still is racing
still is racing, alone

The silver shoals
of the light in the deep
brush the glittering skein
where the great, dark body writhes
and the trembling jaw
the unfathoming sounds
of leviathan, bound
as his heart, though weakening
still is racing
still is racing, alone

------

On cliffs that tower from the rising seas
their bonfire glow
where a tiger lies
and, cleaning their weapons,
they laugh at his useless
claws, and all:
it is a beautiful night
to be born to this life
and grind his every bone to powder!

------

My winged children, all
will fly over the mountain wall
to the lid of the sky,
and slice its belly full wide
with their warm knives
-not the pin-pricks of starlight-
but to bathe in the bright blood
of the world above!

------

In the forest on the branches and the clotheslines
a fierce little wren singing loud, and high
while his eyes, insisting on their own life,
gave legs to the lie
that there was the world, and time
to grow old in its light

------

Only now would you long
for the ancient boughs,
the moon, overlapping the long white clouds
and the home life of a love
who will never return again

------

“The way is to climb
the way is to lie still
and let the moon do its work on your body

and then to rise
through forests and oceans of lives
and through the way of the black rocks,
splitting, wide,
and flow
ten thousand miles.”

------

And in the dark,
from the sea marbled and moon-blue
into the burning eye of the sun
without feeling

My end was imminent-
Steady your course now, sparrow
but I remembered him-
Fear for your home life, sparrow

------

Galloping into the void,
you are rolling your eyes like a horse,
all to turn from the beam,
from the eye of that screen.
“Turn it off! Turn it off!"

------

and your hands on the balcony
as a spine
pricks the world
and the shudder, deep, is unheard,
but you feel it
oh my god
as the spindle
flies apart
turn your bow to the biggest wave,
but your angel’s on holiday
and that wave rises slowly
and breaks-

------

And over the ocean
winging low
I saw the first wave
and the flares that fall
like fireflies
on the islands

In the boom and swell
from the waves to the heights
reverberations
of our old lives

Like a golden bell
that would ring through the night
and then the front moves
and we raise our eyes
in the silence of the islands

------

Come down from the iron wheel!
Come back from the endless labor!
Look down on the rolling waves
that strike on the crumbling reef
now.

Is what the body becomes
in the bellow aloud
in the crack of the drum
and as the body dies
what is left of the heart
burns white

No light on the western shore
No sign of the ships at anchor
No sound but the roaring winds
No warmth but the life behind the eye

------

In a power dive
in a slow burn
over ancient fields
over islands
from the slope and the rise
of the mainland
unfamiliar shapes

------

My father climbs to the top of the rail
his head above the roaring world
his body burning
his eyes on the waves
and a god below the waterline

------

Effortless gulls in the wake
silver and white on the bow
as the island is broken away
from the world

------

Give us back to our lives
on the waving blue wild
and remove every mark
down to the waterline
and with your arms at your sides
turn homeward.

022615

Feb. 26th, 2015 01:09 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
SO LOL WE DIDN'T GET A SINGLE CM OF SNOW. Saw a little drift of it amongst the rain last night but the vast majority of it was just that, loads of rain. I'm so relieved. Was not here for the 6-8" of snow that everyone was crowing about. Some places around here did get snow and lots of it but here, just rain, so I can breathe easy.

and the bird just chewed my sketchbook THANKS DICKBUTT!!!!!!!!!

so today is the one year anniversary of me starting my animal crossing town!! and I played and NO ONE EVEN MENTIONED IT LOL. I thought at least Isabelle would have something to say but nope no one seemed to even remember. RUDE oh well I celebrated by creating my first second player character!! it's a girl and her name's Alice because I seem to have a thing for names that start with vowel sounds :v

bb is going into the game store where he RLY WANTS TO WORK and i'm excited. and for the SECOND time, as soon as he pulled up there, a hawk swooped over his windshield. that happened the last time when he showed up for the interview too. what the hell. it wasn't a redtail this time he said [mentioned a russet-orange lower back?], but.... wow. seriously. Hawk is speaking to him. i told him it feels like a symbol of seizing opportunity as it comes. i'm really excited to hear the news, i can't imagine what else they could have wanted him for except to sign paperwork and tell him he got the job. @u@ [if he does i'm gonna have to give him something Hawk to take with him to that job, because clearly it's been blessed/claimed.]

good news, I'VE BEEN DRAWING A LOT.... but it's all really embarassing rofffllll fuck my life. at least i have a couple people that i feel comfortable showing it to. if this was just happening to me in a vacuum then i might feel compelled to... like... POST IT PUBLICLY ONLINE holy jesus no. which is a shame bc i'm kinda proud of it but all the same i really... shouldn't lmfao



but so. yes. Bird and Hiccup pretty much combined forces and goaded me into taking a shower and getting dressed for NO REASON. i'm usually like wearing next to nothing super junky don't give a fuck clothes haha. but now i feel more productive i guess???? i need to make something to eat. even if it's just ramen. but srsly i've been taking showers almost every day for... most of the time that we've been in this room. so for like weeks now. before i used to put it off for EVER and like take one a week if that >_> and i wasn't disgusting or anything, but i didn't look sharp either. so. it's rly nice to feel ~fresh~ lol.

THATS ABOUT IT FOR NOW it's just the beginning of the day I guess :v now we're probably off to make some food and do laundry and that kinda thing. because we're almost out of towels and it's like the perfect time to WASH ALL THEMS BEFORE WE MOVE.

022315

Feb. 23rd, 2015 05:23 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
Home alone now so I can type about this properly.

just feeling really... amazed at this winter. Winters are never good times for me. I'm a fall person, and summer and spring... pretty much the only time for me that feels suffocating and hard is winter. But this.... this one has been astounding.

I'm finding myself. So weird to say that but in so many ways I am. Since I grew out of Kyo and really realized it back in 2011 ish, realized that she was too much her own being and couldn't be my avatar anymore, I've been struggling. Having no persona, no grasp of what I looked like on the inside. Wore the skins of so many birds, so many animals, nothing stuck. Made so many attempted fursonas but they just became their own characters or faded away for the most part. But I know what I am now.
When I'm human in headspace, I still can't see myself; my image is just a blur of skin color and brown or white hair. I can't get a grasp on what I look like yet, I know that I look similar to the body's face as all Cores typically do, but... I know what my true shape is. I'm dragon. Toyed with this idea so many times and wouldn't... let myself for some reason. Wouldn't let myself just be it, own it. Dragon felt too powerful, but that wasn't the problem; the problem was that I didn't feel worthy to acknowledge that I had power. Felt that it was arrogant and bullheaded to say that I'm a dragon, that I'm powerful and strong, but no. You have to find your own power. Doesn't matter how objectively big you think that power is [read: how you see yourself compared to others]; the important part is that you find it and you know how to access it.

So. I'm dragon. I have scales on my body - copper when it's warm, pales to brass in the winter. Rather birdlike, very birdlike eyes particularly. Reminiscent of a heron in some ways, like the long neck that bends back on itself in flight. My wings are black, long and sweeping and I fly like a vulture, efficiently coasting with relatively few wingbeats. There are two long blackish horns on my head, gently curved and sloping back, with two small horselike ears below them. I also have black feathers on my neck, back and tail that make kind of a mane. I've been working on getting it right down on paper but it's hard. The legs especially are giving me a hard time, they're birdlike and I'm so bad at bird feet.
This shape hasn't left me, hasn't changed, in months. It feels amazing. I've been floating for... so fucking long. Years. And I still shapeshift, still have bird times and coyote times and cat times and other things. I will always be a shapeshifter but I realized that in my heart, I'm a dragon. I... don't have words for how relieved I am. To see this finally settling when I thought it might never settle again. To have a shape to call my own, to be proud of. I hope people in my life think of me when they see a dragon.



I'm... coping. Learning to cope. Letting go. Used to be unable to weather these five day work weeks, and look at me now, here we are on day five and I don't feel a goddamn thing. Bird said that I seem happier and less anxious lately and it's... so true. Hiccup tag teaming makes... infinite amounts of difference. Like a barrier between me and the emotions of the shitty people I encounter during the day. Stuff stresses me out but then it's done and it's gone and over and it's GONE. the next day it's not still with me. most of the time. i'm not scared of things as much anymore. i'm coping and growing and i don't even understand it. except i do. i know exactly why. and so do all of the few people who know me well enough.

and it's important i want to note this isn't some magical person sweeping in to solve all my problems and handle all my life's tough situations for me. no. that's the entire point, he PUSHES me. he was listing silly magnanimous titles for himself, boundary breaker, diplomat, peace maker. jokingly. but it's true. he pushes limits. constantly nudges me out of my comfort zone. making me just uncomfortable and embarassed enough to grow. and so I'm growing so fucking quickly and it's blowing my mind. i don't even know what to think. and this week we're going to make the Big Change, the move, we're leaving this place and going to the city full of opportunity and just. i feel like this year is going to be really really important. it's already important. i'm ready.




And then... all this other stuff happening... ugh. He's giving me A Look haha. I'm still shy, still feeling like a ~wild thing~. But I know it's not true, I've let him on my back so many times that it doesn't even render as strange anymore. I'm tamed, I guess, but I'm still shy to admit it. And he's laughing and placing his hand on my nose Importantly and fuck you <3

Augh. Things I want to say but I don't know. Barriers. But hey the person I want to read these trash subjects the most has an lj now so I can make the trashiest ones of all friends only so :v

Just... ok. I admit that in the past I looked down on people who gushed endlessly about their fictives and seemed like all their headspace and plurality was was just them and a bunch of their favorite characters from recent/popular movies and tv shows and stuff. I judged people and systems like that and it was wrong of me. No matter what I think then and now, it doesn't matter.

And now I'm pretty much karmatically getting my ass whipped for that, because SOMEBODY.... has a habit of coming into a world and utterly changing the shit out of it, for the better. Hiro showed up last night because he felt us thinking about him a lot and just CONJURED A CHAIR TO SIT IN AND WHAT. What. What the hell. That's not how it WORKS. How can people just do this now. Headspace is fundamentally changing, the rules are changing again. Again just when I thought I'd got it sorted out, something deep down shifted like a tectonic plate.

and i was thinking on the ride home from lunch today that maybe this is what i always needed. someone inside whose feelings i couldn't doubt, whose words were immune to being twisted by my darkness into weapons to use against myself. i can't tell myself he's sick of me, can't tell myself i'm talking too much and he wants me to leave him alone, or that i'm too clingy or any of the other garbage of which it likes to convince me. because i can sense the truth of the matter. i can sense his heart at all times. and vice versa. that's the nature of our relationship. i'm vehemently opposed to the concept of "other halves" or someone showing up to complete you and that's not what this is. but. maybe Dale was right with the 'perfect sync' idea.

When Hiccup first became evident, before I even met him before he was even remotely lucid, we noticed changes. Animals behaving differently. Like a small earthquake that they could sense before we did. That's what he's basically been, a force of nature that's shaken up everything and just up and changed all the rules. And I hate you I love you for that, endlessly. Ugh. I'm garbage put me in the dump.

022015

Feb. 20th, 2015 07:19 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
UHHHH TODAY

- bb went to his job interview aaaaAAND HIS CAR BROKE DOWN UGH. at first we thought he was gonna have to pay out the ass for a whole new clutch but it looks like it was just a snapped cable which is much cheaper. BUT HE STILL MADE IT TO THE INTERVIEW i rly hope he gets the job, he obviously wants it so much. i guess Chance felt like shakin' up his life a little bit. his dad picked him up and took him to it. v good.

- last night was FUCKING COLD AS HELL like i said. single digits plus wind chill. Void cold. and i still got drunk people trying to chat me up and acting like i'm a rude bitch when i cut the convo short. insert jokes about being 'frigid', 'ice queen' etc here. today i get to go and BOW REPEATEDLY to my boss who i left hanging on monday night when i called out without notice. not my style at all but it... happened. eh.

- also last night really good conversations happened and for a while i was running around on top of the world doin' a Hiccup basically omg. im the most trash. ALL OF THE TRASH. IM A LANDFILL

- Bird and Poe ARE THE CUTEST FUCKING THINGNGASLDJSDFSDF i haven't shipped anything this hard since my star trek phase 6 years ago

- can i just say how wonderful being polyamorous is because: i'm deeply in love with my partner of 5 years, and crushing super hard on my headmate, and crushing equally hard on an outside person AND shipping the hell out of them and THEIR headmate... omg. LOVE HAS COME TO TOOOWWWNNNNNnnNNN~ and bb is just like that's so complicated i'm happy just being with you and i'm like WELL MY LIFE IS FULL OF SWEET THINGS SUDDENLY AND IT'S GREAT RLY GREAT. i guess that's what i needed rn.

- I'M IN LOVE WITH BITTERNS THEY ARE THE QUEENS OF ALL THE NECKS. i love all necks but oh my god bitterns. BITTERNNNNSSS. they are the masters of derp. MEGA DERP

- i'm bored and kinda hyper and just waiting for work time to arrive :v

021915

Feb. 19th, 2015 08:15 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
WHY WHEN I ACTUALLY LOSE THE ENTRY I'M WORKING ON IS THE ONLY TIME IT DOESN'T SAVE A DRAFT GO FUCK URSELF UPDATE PAGE


ugh. ughhhHH ok basics of what I wrote

- nervous about moving day coming a lot sooner than expected when this winter storm has been dangling its balls in our faces for so long I haven't been able to get out and get anything done
- it's COLD AS FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK in north carolina right now, cold as the Void, cold as between
- getting close to being able to draw my dragonself, gotta get rid of this self consciousness about drawing the same things over and over, THAT'S LITERALLY THE ONLY WAY YOU IMPROVE AT DRAWING THINGS SELF


yeah that's about it. goddamnit livejournal get ur shit together plz. now i have to get dressed and bundle up HUGELY WELL AND GO TO WORK BYE.

021815

Feb. 18th, 2015 05:27 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
IDEAS OF THE DAY: more tattoo stuff. bird got talking about wanting a half sleeve and i've never really given thought to the idea but you know what, that would solve my problem of wanting SO MANY FUCKING BIRDS TATTOOED ON ME. a half sleeve of birds would make so much sense.

SO HERE WE GO OLIVER'S FAVORITE THING: lists. list of bird species candidates for the eventual half sleeve [most likely right arm]:

- Carolina Parakeet
- Bohemian Waxwing
- Belted Kingfisher
- Great Blue Heron
- Double Crested Cormorant
- Brown Pelican [immature?? they are so cute in their baby feathers]
- Magpie [american, for Bird of course <3]
- Bowerbird [no idea what species, probably a male holding a little bone in its foot, to show it's a bowerbird and not a crow or w/e]
- Shearwater [again unsure on species; would put albatross but i have a separate tattoo idea for that]
- Turkey Vulture
- maybe a little small cockatiel in there??
- Passenger pigeon?
- A raptor of some kind? not sure what but i feel like that family should be represented edit: realized this would most likely be a Little Eagle, for Ales :3


other miscellaneous tattoo wants/ideas:
- albatross pair with me and bb??
- tiger, also probably in a rly nice wildlife illustration/lithograph style like Walton Ford
- Broken Arrows of course
- archaeopteryx, wonder if i could somehow incorporate it in the bird sleeve???

021315

Feb. 14th, 2015 01:07 am
thebrokenarrows: (general)
headspace thoughts bc today was a very Nothing Day [which is good. so much stress the past several months, the biggest problem we've had since June is now gone. and done. for at least like a year. which is wonderful] other than Majora's Mask. which went exactly as expected and was wonderful and i had so much feelings. still having feelings. but i'll probably babble about that later when i feel more inspired to babble about gaming instead of what i am going to babble about, which is headspace.


thing 1: headspace needs a name. like a place name. but it's so hard to name a place that is... multiple worlds in and of itself. like could you give the universe itself a name? because i couldn't. it's hard. but i'm tired of saying headspace all the time. where do the Broken Arrows live? that should be a name.

thing 2: i am really really grateful for the awesome tag team kinda dynamic that Hiccup and i have implemented over the past few months. but i'm really looking forward to when things move toward a more equal group. a bigger family of sorts. like more people become interested in fronting regularly and hanging around near the front, or being on call sorta. for a month or so it's been almost entirely just me and Hiccup. which has been AWESOME don't get me wrong but like... i'd like our front team to grow again like it used to be ;o;
Jewel is always hanging around the edges but never quite... coming in the room. just looking in through the doorway and then passing by again. i wonder what she's about.

thing 3: this week has been fox feels for me. grey/red fox in turns. feel this coming on whenever i feel relaxed and content. a brush tailed whiskery fox curling up by a fire, sometimes bright red as a fire himself. comfy and calm. not a usual shape for me but i'm a Shapeshifter so these things happen. i'm coming to realize that i am dragon. dragon is my main shape. i mean human is also a main/extremely common shape because i'm a Core, and closely tied to the body, but as for what am i, i'm a dragon. and it's really, really nice to finally know that. to finally sort of come into myself after these years of floating, questioning, doubting.
i'm even starting to finalize into a shape: copper scales for sure this time, black wings, maybe more black things. feathers around the neck and tail and some others. maybe covert feathers on the wings? not sure. long neck like a heron's that bends back in flight. fish eater. it's really nice to know myself. to know us, the System. this morning i was questioning my desire for a Broken Arrow tattoo, like we've only used that name for a few months, are we sure that's the name we want to go with? and like... no, we're not really, but... i'm starting to know the feeling of finding a Name. like Oliver. a few weeks ago i realized that i had been using the name Oliver for myself for almost two years and still considered it to be in the waffling stage, like 'oh i'm not sure i might change my mind later' but... no. nope. Oliver is me. that's pretty much settled down now. Oliver is my name and i have not once wiggled about it or not liked it in ANY way for years now. that is an extremely good sign. and i need to relax and finalize it, i've given it WAY more than an acceptable amount of time to test drive. same for Broken Arrows, it's a name that we have carried in our hearts in some form since 2007, it's a reference to the Toy Soldier... yes. i am learning the feeling of Names. i even think i know what to do with the name Howl, what it means and why it keeps hanging around. yep.

thing 4: i'm not going to get romantic with someone in headspace. i'm not going to get romantic with someone in headspace. i am not going to fucking get in a romantic fucking situation with a fucking person who shares my fucking head when i still lack any grasp on the concept of what the hell romance even is god damn it stop looking at me with those eyes stop




i guess that's all the things for now SHRUGS. doing a little doodling and feeling some feels and talking to friends and then bed will happen.

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