T. B. A. S.

IVE TOTALLY DROPPED THE BALL IM SORRY. im using twitter a lot and not taking time to sit down and recap my days cuz they just haven't seemed all that important although that's not true


but right now i just wanna vent some because i want to like have a long venty talk with someone about mental shit but no one's rly available right now so i'm just trying to feel a little better about some things lol


BASICALLY: i'm oversensitive about how much i eat out. which is too much. it's a bad habit bordering on addiction. every single night i say ok i won't do it tomorrow. then i wake up and i'm hungry and a place i want to eat pops into my head. and no matter what i do i'm not happy until i get it. it's fucked up and a drain on my money and like i can still pay my bills and stuff but it needs to stop. it's hurting my health and i'm SO paranoid about people noticing and yet again i worry too much what people think. like kris said yesterday/this morning.
and roomie popped into my room and noticed me getting ready to leave and conversation went basically?
"where ya going?"
"out."
"where to?"
"to get gas and lunch."
"we have food!" [fuck]
"... yeahhh but.. i have a hankering for--"
"jimmy johns?" [FUCK I DONT EAT THERE THAT OFTEN??? ;_;]
"... n-no. taco bell."

and like i want to stress she didn't mean ANYTHING by any of this. but it sent my issues into overdrive and i already had been bringing my bag so i could try to hide that i'm yet again eating fast food like every single day. because i'm really embarassed about it and now i KNOW they notice. which just makes it 10 times worse.

and then i got home and i'm almost done eating and she comes back in and puts Murphy in my room and [i stress: in a very friendly and sweet manner] takes the dishes that i was about to bring out there. she beats me to it. and again she's just being kind and helping me but GOD THIS SHIT REALLY FUCKS ME UP AND I WISH PEOPLE WOULDN'T DO THIS EVEN THO THEY ARE JUST BEING A FRIEND

bc it makes me feel like they think i'm depressed. and then bb agreed with me saying they probably do which totally TOTALLY DID NOT HELP AT ALL. so now i'm convinced they think i'm depressed and weak and need help and like

ok basically: this is multifaceted

one, i have put SO much effort into convincing myself that i'm strong and powerful and i can take care of myself. it was drilled into me from a very young age that i'm pathetic and can't handle life on my own and would always need the help of my abusers. it's REALLY REALLY HARD for me to feel like i can handle things on my own and that i have agency. so like people not even asking me, but helping me without a word... makes me feel like not only am i too weak to do things on my own but i'm too weak to even ASK for help if i need it. which. fuck.

OR two, beating me to cleaning things/helping me without asking if i need help feels so much like a passive sort of guilt trip. because for me, IT WAS, for so many years. one of those things where if you didn't do the thing in a reasonable amount of time you'd come to do it and find that it had been done for you and you KNOW, you're in for it later. you owe them now because they did this without even asking you if you'd forgotten, when you were going to do it, or whatever. so now i feel like i owe them, i'm their "slave" or whatever because of this which has nothing to do with them, just REAL SHITTY PROGRAMMING THANKS

and the angry kid is back cuz of this. i didn't talk about her but idk if she's a core or a temporary manifestation or what but she's been around for a few days. she's got things to say and she's gonna be here til they're said at the very least.

i don't know how to handle any of this, i dunno how to live with people who aren't constantly playing mind games and power plays and guilt trips with me. i don't know how to navigate normal human cohabitation. it fucks with my mind and it makes me almost miss being back with my abusers ain't that the most fucked up thing you ever heard. at least i know how to navigate that shit maze.

and like i'm yelling at my own self like I'M NOT DEPRESSED then i see the mess of my room and the state of my mind and i think i'm telling myself lies which just makes this whole fucking thing even worse. just feeling rly disempowered and helpless to change things right now. and then i get upset when anyone recognizes this fact from outside and tries to help. lol. fuck me.

it's awful that just a simple act of kindness makes all this shit happen in my head. how can i get rid of this without mind numbing drugs because i'm so not here for that.

when you're abused and manipulated regularly for 15+ years of your life, it lays the groundwork for everything you expect from people forever. you see power plays and manipulation everywhere, even where there is none, because anticipating it before it happened was a survival skill that you had to learn otherwise you would not have survived. combine this with what i know about my parents' mental stuff and their own anxiety problems and paranoia [and in the case of my father, i suspect some amount of schizophrenia] and there's just no escaping the fact that no matter how hard i try to reroute my fear i'll probably feel like the world is out to get me for the rest of my life and that really fucks me up so much.

sorry i came back after like 2 weeks of no updates with this shit. sorry.

this is it. my last day of living at my parents' house. last day using this internet. a thousand things i'll miss and won't miss.


just woke up at 4pm because i wanted to give myself as much rest as possible beforehand. i might get a couple hours sleep after work tomorrow but that might be worse than no sleep at all, i dunno.

feeling very tense. gonna try to breathe and relax. nothing's wrong, i just have to focus and buckle down and get this entire room packed up. i really should have gotten proper work done on my car but i guess anxiety got the best of me there and now i only have time to get the essentials, aka windshield wipers.

it's SO fucking warm outside i wish i had time to enjoy it. 66 degrees right now. this is my kinda weather.

idk what else today. just gonna relax for a bit then go to the auto parts store and buy a set of windshield wipers. then get my last jack in the box for old times' sake before coming home. gonna get my ipod and listen to some music while packing. yep.


yep yep yep. i might not update again until the move is done, so. but i also have lj on my phone so i might do something short on that. we love you all who read this. SPREADING OUR WINGS!

finally looked at that place we've been trying to look at for a couple days and... no. just no. at least they were honest and showed us the apartment we'd be renting, which looked REALLY rough. it had just been involved in a fire. scary. like i know it would be wax better when we'd actually be moving in, but... it looked really bad even without the fire damage. the guy was kinda embarassed showing us parts of it. i won't even go into detail but let's just say this would be a.... not THE WORST last resort ever, but definitely a last resort. kinda big, two floors and due to the fire, lots of stuff would be brand new/remodeled, but just... no. i did not get a good vibe from that place at all and i'd much rather pay a quarter of the rent to live with friends up in the city, and not have to worry about being out on the street should i be unable to pay rent for ONE month, which seems to be their policy. that kinda thing would make me even more reluctant to take care of myself [i.e. doctor visits] than i already am.

just. eegh. i'm sure it's abundantly clear but this stuff has me so stressed out and pretty depressed. i just have to focus on the future. this ordeal will pass and life will settle down. this isn't going to be another case of the move every three months again. unless shit gets really crazy anyway. i'm really scared of that.


my outer life is sucking but inner life is pretty well flourishing, for once. which is nice. Hiccup got to talk to his 'twin' in the House of Leaves today and yesterday. very cool. they hadn't talked since last summer when they first woke up. seems like they are, as one would expect, extremely similar as always hahah. my Hiccup seems to be a little bit perkier though, but that too seems to be similar to the last time they talked. HoL!Hiccup seems to be a little bit older and went through a lot more rough stuff before coming to headspace, moreso than mine seemed to.

idk. gonna get up really early and drop my car off at the mechanic. tried to do it today but they were just too busy. but on the way home it tried to stall on me so i know i can't put it off any longer. i want to like go out and eat but i don't want to take my car anywhere until i take it to get fixed honestly, it's very unhappy... i swear it's like it knows. it was fine until we left the mechanic without getting any work done, then it started bumping like no tomorrow, RPMs going below 500 when I stopped... crazy. the ghost in the machine. [that's not really what that phrase means but it's always what it makes me think of. machines that act alive somehow]
i dunno. bb's going to a surprise party tomorrow, so i'll be alone most of the day. i guess it's ok but being that his days living with me are going to be numbered possibly until after his birthday... blugh. [i just realized that if we do move in where i think we most likely will, i will be moving around my sister's 21st birthday. how 'bout that.]

taking a breather today. a personal day. relaxing and watching movies and doing art. talking about stuff with bb. cherishing him being here with me.

still looking at some stuff. we called a couple apartment complexes we haven't tried yet, and a friend called me and told me about a guy she knows [SHE ALWAYS knows a guy whenever i'm in trouble hahaha I love her <3], and another friend is still looking into the room she'll have open only slightly after we need one... we have options. we have more than a few options.

the idea of talking to my dad is stressing me out so much that i might just let it go, i dunno. it's not worth the blood pressure fluctuations for me to worry about it right now at least. it'll happen or it won't, freaking out about it is dumb and painful. Hiccup is pushing me to do it, but... like i told Bird. he's all about pushing me out of my comfort zone, but he wouldn't push me off a cliff. he'd never take me farther than i can go.
and the idea of having that house and those woods back is still really REALLY appealing to me, but... the thing is, it's a four bedroom doublewide and it's entirely realistic that what he pays to keep the power on might be more than i can afford, let alone what more he might want for rent. so. we need to bear that in mind. it's possible that i can still talk to him and get access to that area especially with no one living there now [and i still want to turn the house upside down looking for some of my old things!].

went out for a small drive and the ipod threw a vocaloid song titled Apartment at me, and then immediately afterward, Apartment Story by The National. wellp.

Ugh. Where do I begin. What a day. I'm pretty exhausted and haven't even left for work yet.

Well, we're pretty much back to square one. The apartment in Charlotte isn't happening, looks like. Turns out you have to make AN ABSURD amount of income in order to live there. I make enough to pay rent MYSELF every month and there will be two of us there, but it's not even a third of what they require me to make. What the fuck. I don't know. So that was my despair for the day.

Then I find out something even more daunting...

My childhood house is empty. The little doublewide on six acres of woods in the middle of nowhere. My father isn't sure what to do with it now.

Fuck.

So... I haven't spoken to my dad in about three and a half years. We're not on good terms. But that is... a really really nice opportunity. Fucking hell. I guess I'm gonna have to break the silence. Maybe take him out to eat, have a conversation.

I... don't want him to think that I'm just talking to him because I want a favor of sorts. I wasn't for a long time, but... I'm willing to start over. To try having a relationship with him again. I thought I was still mad about what happened in the past, but... I'm not anymore. I've changed a lot. Grown a lot. And a lot can change in three and a half years.

Mom tells me he misses me and would love to have me back in his life. I hope that's true. I hope it's not just that he'd like it only on his terms. Because I need him to see me as an equal. There's a LOT of shit in the past, a lot of things that I still hold weapons against. But... I'd like to lay them down if he'll do the same.

I just hope. Hiccup's giving me a look and he has been all afternoon, for a lot of reasons. On the ride home when I couldn't talk or think, I felt him next to me, holding my hand in headspace. He knew I couldn't communicate or hear him, and he didn't need me to. The fact that he was able to get through the automatic barrier and just calmly sit with me and hold my hand as I freak out... that says a lot. He's a real friend. Even if he does spit out the old line just like everyone else... "you only have one dad". Like... I can't fault you, man. I know where that's coming from. But... just. I hope you never see the reason why I haven't contacted him in years.

He's not a villain. He's not an enemy. I have to make sure I don't see it that way. He's not some monster to defeat. He's a person just like everyone else, and everyone has some good in them. I've seen a very scary and ugly side of him, but I also know that he married a woman who is a really great person and I know she wouldn't marry some evil asshole. I just have to show him my best side, too.


That fucking house though. That land. Those woods. My childhood. My spirituality was formed there. How many times have I dreamed of buying the house off my dad and living there. Pipe dreams. How many times did I steal away some afternoon and walk in the woods like I did as a child. It would need so much cleaning but. Yeah. It'd be worth it. I hope.



Fortune cookie today:
"The clever crow always paints its feather black."
I just... Fuck.

Very quick update for today before I leave for work. Have a[n adorable pink and blue and rainbow unicorn shedding healing tears on my] bandaid on my finger so typing may be a bit awkward and typo-ridden, bear with me. :v

Remember how I said I hoped I wouldn't get stuck working late yesterday? Jinxed the shit out of myself. Was scheduled until 7. Aka full daylight. Aka anytime I am forced to stay awake past full daylight I get very, very cranky >:| And anytime between the hours of 6:30 am and 7 pm, my work is a nightmarish level of chaotic loud confusion, and I was stuck trying to get stuff done in that for an hour or two. Ugh. Really hope they don't throw that shift on me again. Also I have to work eleven hours after leaving work, and working less than 12 hours between two shifts is one more thing that I'm REALLY not into. So again: >:|

But whatever. Will finally have my normal week back after this tumultuous one is done as of tomorrow morning. Two days off, and I need them. Did I mention that someone ordered eighty sandwiches at once last night? I repeat myself: >:|||||||||||||||| Thank god I'm actually scheduled off at the correct time [4 am, currently three hours before sunrise] today so I can get some sleep and wake up at a decent time, and not wake up exhausted and wanting more sleep at 2pm, five hours before I have to leave again, like I did today. Just one of those things that drives me bonkers.


Done a lot of art today. Well, sort of. Mostly coloring on my coloring pages. Finished the legendary beasts and it looks quite good, then colored Dunsparce really quick and dirty just because. Then I drew and colored a little Pidgey with a strawberry in its beak for my friend Esther, who requested it. She has the CUTEST indian ringneck named Pidgey, so. :3

That's all I have time for, I didn't do all that much besides that, mostly because I didn't have TIME. Did I mention that our oven died on Christmas and now they're moving the chest freezer downstairs and putting in a whole new stove and oven dealy in the kitchen? Our old one was really super old from like the 70s, and was built into the wall, so not really easily replaced. 'S cool, although with my back issues lately, bending down to remove stuff from the oven is kinda hard sometimes.

Okay, time to get dressed and head off into the freezing effing cold for eight hours. Did I mention that they broke the thermostat in the back where I take orders, so now it blows AIR CONDITIONING when it's BELOW FREEZING outside and I'm sticking my head out the window constantly?! Are they trying to kill us? Not to mention they don't give us health insurance nor do they pay us enough to get our own... being an adult is really stupid.

ooookay... so although i distinctly remember saving this entry before i restarted, it's nowhere to be found now. i don't think i saved it in the wrong folder, either. oh well. restating:

change is coming, and it's coming by my own hand.

i need to go back to school. in order to do this, i must work days. in order to do this, i must switch jobs [working days at my current job is not an option].

SO. the job search now begins. i've got my notebook open, got four or five applications lined up for today. let's do this shit.

on a journaling note, i am more convinced that i am/was sick and am now getting over it. woke up with a much clearer head, but in that "i just got over being sick" kind of way. i think it must have been some kind of virus, because i just felt stressed/tired/possibly malnourished, rather than actually sick.

-- okay. got 3 applications done, i think i'm good for today. i'll do the other two tomorrow. arty is yelling nonstop so he's going in his cage.

AND WORK STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME WORK THURSDAY NIGHT I KNOW THE PANTHERS HAVE A HOME GAME I RLY DONT WANNA WORK I'VE BEEN THE ONE DOING ALL THE BUSY CRAZY NIGHTS FOR WEEKS STAHHHPPP. ugh it's stressing me out. i'm gonna say no. noooo. i can always say no for any reason. but i need to at least act like i have an actual reason. or else... what? i'll look bad for the manager who already doesn't give a shit about me, lol? what will she possibly do? she's about to not be in charge of my schedule anymore anyway... ehh. don't remind me. i've had quite enough of schedule woes. basically get ready for me to quite possibly work day shift because they're bringing on someone new to do the schedule who doesn't know that although my availability is open [BECAUSE THEY REFUSE TO LET ME CLOSE IT AGAIN], i work nights, period.


bb is off to work, we made veggie fajitas, it's time to eat and reconnect with the spiritual and mental worlds that are so important to my well-being. i've been stressed for the past week-ish; i've been disconnected for the past week-ish; HMM WHAT A COINCIDENCE