thebrokenarrows | Entries tagged with outer life

go swimming in the ocean, the sacred, holy ocean
get a tan from the binder you were wearing so that all your freckles come out and stand against the browned skin
but in between there is a stripe of white from your binder and you feel valid, even naked, even a month later
cover yourself with that body glitter stuff lush makes so that it looks like your skin itself actually shimmers, not just glitter ON your skin
become covered in bruises from an exhausting, punishing but good job working with animals
cover the freckles and the tan lines and the bruises with what looks like stardust embedded in your skin

feel good about yourself even outside

For whatever reason, my autocorrect doesnt work on text fields on this app. Title field, but not text field. Idk y'all

But just know today tried very hard to suck, but we still made it a good day. We made BLTs and PBJs and we took advantage of this beautiful weather with a picnic in the park. We watched the new Steven Universe and got excited about the show all over again, remembering just how great and important it is. We made art. We kept up good spirits, by choice, and determination. But the weather definitely helped too. We all agree on that. Life just feels full of promise when it's a balmy 75 degrees, even if it is in the middle of January.

Mason's car went tits up, we need over a thousand dollars for the fix, and it's basically a very bad time to need that kind of money for various reasons. We were already hurting financially before this happened... so idk what we'll do now. I'm going to open up for commissions, to hopefully scrape together a few bucks since hours are so very slow this time of year. One of the reasons this event caught us at a bad time.

But.

All day, when we could've and tbh usually would have despaired and said fuck the world... instead, we kept our heads up. We didnt give up. I'm so fucking proud of us. Here's to the Broken Arrows forever and ever.

infrequent updates woo! here's the last few days which have been kinda important and full of things

currently: my god i want some damn rain. it's been raining a lot but i just want some rn. but instead it's 35 goddamn degrees why.

thursday night had a REALLY GOOD conversation with Yves. like goddamn. even though it got real heavy at some times, i really enjoyed that and it ended on such a good note. and the next morning she was still there and seemed pretty chill and happy and like wow. my heart grows three sizes. i love leaving a good vibe on other people so much. the HoL apparently had this awesome peace going on the whole day friday, which was nice cuz i needed it. becaaause.....

on friday had a really big falling out with my roommates [well more like one of them] and i don't wanna talk about it honestly but it was the biggest and most god awful panic attack i've had in at least five years. it wrecked my shit. and we still haven't really talked it out ugh lol. i'm dreading it. but it feels much better honestly than it did. and I KNOW that i was super hormonal and that's why it was SO Bad and i feel awful at the various House of Leaves members who had to witness me freaking out so fucking bad lol. i could not be talked sense into that day and i hate it but it's over now so whateva. it all just happened to catch me on the one worst possible day of the entire month for it tbh.
once i could move and stand up again from that mind-destroyingly profound panic attack [in which Murphy approached me and tried to comfort me because i think he thought i was dying lol], i drove to the park. heard the last few cicadas left singing sleepily in the trees. watched grey squirrels fighting. felt so fucking bone tired and exhausted. walked around aimlessly for a while. found a pond and sat and talked and then Owen sat by me [first time that whole day anyone from the system could get up with me, and i think the only time just about] and we talked about it. felt better, then worse again lol. then had to drive back but was shit scared of going home so just sat in subway and charged my phone and migrained a lot. lol. until i went home.

yesterday was interesting. rode up to the smelly cat to do job apps and then stuck around to do this ~GHOSTS AND LEGENDS~ tour of the noda area that was happening apparently. and LOL for a while i thought it was meeting at an area that it totally wasn't soooo i sat for half an hour increasingly annoyed in front of the cajun restaurant. which was listed as the meet up place... for last year. OOPS silly me finally i figured it out and moved a block over to where they were set up. derp. and went out around the area and learned about all the hauntings and stories and shit and it ended up being me, Owen and for a while Thirteen too. who is a rare fronter so that was a treat. we walked around and i rolled my eyes at all the silly unsubstantiated ghost stories but i was outnumbered LOL. two believers and an eye roller. owen listened rapt the entire time. also some Spooky Ghede Shit did occur later on in the tour tho lolol. that much i will say. i will ALSO SAY that while most of the tour was just silly shit, at the end they used some Totally Bogus Horse Shit about hoodoo that kinda pissed me off lol. some bullcrap about curses and some wise woman from the mountains who conveniently explained that a decapitated snake tied in a knot meant that someone wished you harm or whatever BUT GUESS WHAT, HOODOO AIN'T FROM THE MOUNTAINS ITS FROM THE COAST AND DOESNT INVOLVE SHIT LIKE THAT AT ALL, STOP THAT BULLSHIT. but whatever i had a good time really. it was nice. i'm still not a ~ghost hunter type and will probably always just roll my eyes at it lol. and i FEEL KINDA BAD but it is what it is. and others in here enjoy it.

today was the most unremarkable day i've had all weekend haha. still feeling very leery of the kitchen. spending money that i shouldn't on food but it's ok i think. tonight bb came home and we got out there and got food together and chatted with roommates and had drinks and it felt a little bit normal again. there are still talks to be had but i think things are calming down from the explosion that was friday thank god.
oh something interesting did happen today tho! listening to I Stand Corrected by Vampire Weekend while walking home triggered up none other than Michael. who is a dude that has been super hard to coax up front and so i know very little about him haha. but he just kinda stood there processing in a daze and listening to this music. of fucking course it's vampire weekend he's such a huge hipster lol. that much i do know. i'll talk about other stuff about him later but he was just. stick boy wearing plaid and lion therian feels and fears of his werewolf side and talks of his college life and bike rides. and made me realize how huge and ridiculous headspace really is. [also note! i think Thirteen may live in Winterhaven area nowadays. where Hiccup is. idk though for sure]

tomorrow i have plans~! with friends!! holy shit i find that stressful usually [and this time too honestly lol] but i wanna go see her. cuz she has Life Problems that i feel bad for not being able to drive over there for lol. so the plan is to go play video games and yell and scream about how shitty boys are. i'm ok with this. i'm gonna shove some of my fav games in a bag and go over there. gonna do a BUS TRANSFER for the first time i guess?? i'll see how that goes lol. and ride a different bus route other than the 23 for the first time. i love riding buses holy shit. it's great honestly. i don't know why bb doesn't like it.

ANYWAY i'm a little tense tonight but it's gon be fine. and now you know how my weekend went.

bored before work so maybe i'll write some stuff and things

dunno if i've talked about Ruby on here? if not i should. she's someone who i've had a 'vibe' for and known about since 2012 if not before! but never actually met her until last month or so. Human [meaning this is not the Gem Ruby hahaha], older lady, maybe 55 ish. HUGE hippie oh my god. gives that super chill retired ex-hippie from New Jersey or something kinda vibe. long curly mop of reddish hair. always has this twinkle in her eye. wears big round glasses that are kinda rose tinted, or red or purple, you get the idea. loves purple and red or any warm colors. acts really motherly or actually, her nickname is Aunt Ruby so I guess aunt-ly rather than motherly pfft. calls everyone "doll"

as for today... went and saw Inside Out finally. it was good! really good. i'd buy it probably. it was not very much like our own experience of headspace, but that's not too surprising honestly. i guess maybe i hoped for a bit more similarity but i didn't really EXPECT more than what was seen, so. i feel like this is a movie that wil age really well, like as the kids that loved it for the cute characters and good story grow older and can appreciate different parts of it, they'll look back and be like "wow! this is about becoming a more emotionally complex being! and i didn't know this then because i wasn't emotionally complex enough!" ya know??

also we were watching the credits and there's always that part with production babies, and not only were there SO MANY [jeez!], there were FIVE OLIVERS and one Owen in the list. jesus christ. so many Olivers??? i guess it's a popular name this year! i looked it up and it's in the top 10 for boys. so yeah! i guess i picked a good one lol

also we played so much mario kart and we were pretty even i guess? but bb always ended up taking 1st place over me. it was fun as hell, i gotta get my own copy of mario kart wii so i can give Madison back her copy omg. we actually went by Save Point today to see if they had a double headed AV cable for my game station but they didn't. but then we played a round of smash on wii u and i beat him even with my tiny, shitty controller LOL. good yes. purple charizard ftw.

i can feel the day of us buying our own wii u coming closer omg. maybe by the end of the month. i'm excited for that. splatoon and smash and and new zelda/starfox coming!! it's definitely happening by the end of this year.

also definitely happening [i mean barring some awful disaster???]: the utah trip. o my god. it's speeding towards me. i haven't bought plane tickets yet but i probably will after getting paid next week. because i meant to this week but shit happened lol. gonna remind my boss that i won't be in the state that week/weekend just to make sure she gets the memo, she can be bad about not paying attention and i don't want anything ugly to happen when i'm literally almost 2000 miles away. to come back with no job sure would suck :v

.... though tbh, bb makes quite a lot in tips with his new pizza job, we might even be able to scrape by for a tiny bit on just his income. would NOT want to do that, but i mean, i'm just saying. plus he has some stuff saved up. hes the best. i love being in a stable couple situation. even if it is a little boring at times and i can't play loud video games all night on my nights off :V

other than that i've just been drawing some gems and headspace people and watching SU [it was supposed to come back today buuuuut it didn't :C] and STUFF. and now i'm gonna have a coffee before work i guess. ZYA

jus wanna update real quick before work because work tonight is gonna SUCKKKKKKK so i had myself a good day

went up to Huntersville to that glorious corner up there. visited Laughingbrook, which is always such a good time. mainly hunting stuff to wire-wrap and that is what I got: amethyst point, moss agate for Trolley, howlite for me, a boar tusk, 5 shiny steel nails [might wear one of those with the tusk together tonight ngl], a badger claw, a tiny songbird's foot [which the shop owner called a chick foot??]... and non wrappable things including a [US legal from the UK] crow foot and feather, and some tiny purple candles for Papa. so. yeh. OH and i got for free, A THISTLE omg. yas. so pointy and sharp and sooooo purple i thought it must have been painted but it wasn't!!
after that went to the retro game store next door [i told you this corner is gold] and picked up a legit SNES controller [bc all we have right now are the cheapo ones that came with the c2 system], and a Super Game Boy. hopefully it will work with the clone console, i don't see why it wouldn't but. still. good.
then after THAT, bb took me to Lupie's, the restaurant next to these two stores and god DAMN. it lived up to its name. holy jesus. i dont' even really feel like going into detail but i had the best salmon there and oh god. just. what a great restaurant and worth every penny. we tipped well too.

gonna go up to work armed to the teeth with spoons and spirit. best i can. i'm not feeling work at all the past few weeks, i really miss when Hiccup was around more to help out. Trolley never lets me believe that he's leaving me, though. never. been having a lot of heart to hearts with her lately especially last night. [her nickname is now Garden Mom btw.] long story short, A- she might be fronting more in the near future and B- we're gonna be training to help me be able to completely let go of the front and go inside entirely. which is really hard to imagine rn but again, she constantly tells me it's possible. so.

idk i guess i'll dick around for a while but i just wanna sit at home ;_; at least this is my thursday and tomorrow is the last day between me and the weekend???

oh and my tarot draw today was #9: "What is my relationship with authority?"
draw: the Knight of Wands. which... i have absolutely no explanation for this one, it's all about excitement and adventure and... no??? my relatonship with authority is mostly mistrust and fear and tension lol. mostly. but certainly not adventure. unfortunately.

never know what to write lately lol. day off, but don't have another one tomorrow. they disrupted my schedule and it's upsetting lol. more upsetting is that i have to go to bed and wake up and go get my car worked on sobs. it's really stressing me out and idk why. i guess i'm just convinced that something is Very Very Wrong and that i'll get really bad news. i'm VERY NOT GOOD at waiting on bad news it makes me so crazy and so stressed.

but. ok. absolute worst case scenario, the car isn't worth fixing and effectively is totaled. and i need a new one. that's doable. and nothing in this situation would be worse than that i think. and it will almost certainly not be that bad lol. i'll be fine. just stressed bc my routine is thrown off and i only have one day to rest out of eleven days of work. x_X

but it's cool. we're driving WAY out of fucking town just to go to the mechanic that i trust lmao. hope they appreciate that. gonna bring my games and my phone and charger aaannnd.... idk what else. bird is gonna be so busy and stuff tomorrow so i won't have her to talk to much and that's sad but it's ok. busy times ahead for her and kinda for me too what with getting my car fixed up and inspected in a new county and new paperwork and such.

YEH NOT MUCH ELSE GOING ON just watched steven universe with bb and went and did some job hunting with him and played with the animals and roommates and talked to ma burd and stuff. STUFF. living a life and it feels good

lol i don't really even feel like updating today. idk man. just not feeling life this week i guess. might be hormones idk but i can't control my compulsive eating out and my wallet is hurting so bad and GUESS WHAT IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT INSTEAD OF MAKING ME FEEL BETTER LOL. somehow this surprises me every day. ugh.

but lemme tell u the froyo i had today WAS amazing. the white chocolate mousse. @_@

so i went to save point bc i had some cash on me and finally got tetris attack. so i'm gonna... probably try that out before i leave? maybe? i dunno. but i have it now it's mine finally. <3

yeah. the only thing that made today redeemable was that Bird finally has a computer again after like what two weeks???? almost??? idk but i feel like poop and i miss bb he's gone all of the time lately and he's gonna be gone tomorrow too and he thinks he's feeling sick which means i might get sick and that's a whole lot of shit that i don't need rn. ehghgghgfhgsksjffjl i dunno

BUT ALSO GUESS WHAT SHE HAS A COMPUTER AGAIN BUT GUESS WHO'S GONNA HAVE TO WORK ALL NIGHT. ME. GUESS WHO NEVER HAS DAYS OFF ON THE SAME DAY. US. :C

idk i feel like crap for many reasons and also no reason but i'll live. it'll pass. i feel like i'm telling lies rn lol but it will. i know it.

THE MENTAL FUNK CONTINUES...

idk just feelin anxiety/stress on the fringes. it's ok. just got stuff going on and i'm not handling it properly :| i feel like making a list of all the stuff i need to do but it'll just frustrate me and stress me out, which is the thing i Do Not Need Rn lol. so. [also i bet u this peripheral anxiety is what's keeping me from a good tie into headspace lately!!]

mostly i'm just worried about my car and very VERY carefully avoiding my natural instinct, which is to beat myself up about not taking care of its problems sooner. anxiety is a fucking bitch man. i'm just scared that through negligence i've ruined my car that i really really like, the one i've had the longest and liked the most out of all the cars i've gone through [which lemme tell u is too many for someone who's only been driving since 2009 and never been in an accident]. i've had this one almost THREE YEARS HOLY SHIT. how can summer of 2012 have been so long ago.

i swear. summer of 2011-summer of 2012 was like a lost year for me, in so many ways. just nothing. stagnation and fear and stress, a hole of mental issues. a really horrible job. i think me getting fired from there was the best possible thing to happen at the time. then i moved into a new room which i cleaned and painted all on my own, and those two things plus finding my current job two years ago [as of like yesterday!!] really rebooted me mentally. even so, 2013 was also kind of an empty year mentally. nothing Really Important happened EXCEPT over the summer was when headspace started coming back to me. after the Lost Year sorta shoved it down to a place where i couldn't access it. still struggling with the doubts and stuff amassed from then and from a while before then tbh that are keeping me from fully realizing it and my place in it. but then 2014 happened and doors started opening and the winter of 2014-15 was amazing. and the SPRING... don't even talk to me rofl. inside i'm just grinning all the time lately. YEAH EVEN NOW WHEN I'M KINDA ANXIETYING ABOUT SHIT. i have so much to be happy for. gotta hold onto that. gotta remember.

today thinking about anchoring and what it means. steven universe has the right idea holy shit. yet again an outside show reflects insides for me. [probably no surprise, rebecca sugar is my age and cut her teeth on the same stuff on which i cut mine, late 90s anime and Ghibli and Disney and etc] anchoring is the act of realizing your true self wholly and completely. that's not to say you're done growing or you understand yourself entirely because that's not possible for a human haha. it just means you KNOW who you are at your core [!!] and what it means to be you and what you stand for, in a way.

example: for me, when i'm being as truly purely myself as possible are times like when i'm trying to help someone talk through their problems, trying to lift them up and make them feel good about themselves, trying to make them see the truth about how great they really are. helping them see themselves kindly through my eyes. there's just something about that. there is something that rings pure like a perfectly toned note when you do stuff that's Truly You. stuff you 'were made to do' so to speak. that's an anchor. something you dig deep into when you feel like you're losing yourself. that is yourself. or one of your deep truths.

the opposite of anchoring is slipping, when you lose track of what you're about, what you are "for". not everyone is "for" anything lol but everyone has something they're good at, something that for them is like a piece slotting into a machine and functioning perfectly like clockwork. that is an anchor. slipping can happen for loads of reasons, whether it be that your anchor or "purpose" might be changing, or just depression or sickness, that kinda thing.

YEH SO

today i went to jack in the box because it's my old flame and i missed it. and like any junkie sometimes u go back to ur old bad habit and discover that IT ISN'T ACTUALLY AS GOOD AS U REMEMBER LOL. between traffic and making a couple wrong turns it ended up being a fucking 45 minute drive for some stupid fast food. and it was the same as it always was and that wasn't even worth it lol. not worth ANOTHER $10 meal out. another chunk out of my preciously small paycheck that could have been spent on important things or at least lasting ones. not a stupid unhealthy meal. gotta keep from being mean to myself about this stuff, it's the only way to really stop, hurting myself as some kind of "penance" does not work at all, i just wake up the next day and do it again. i have to be kind to myself. that's my truth. see myself in the same pure light in which i see those i love.

and thennnn i went to pet supermarket and got cat food and litter BUT no mealworms. so i guess i'm still stuck going to petsmart for that at least. :| lame. but Bird was right holy shit even pet supermarket is way cheaper in most things. also THEY HAD FERRETS EEE i missed that weird stinky ferret smell. we had a couple growing up and man they were the fucking cutest and best and i want one some day again, but i bet they hunt birds so bad idk ;_;

and so SOMEHOW, this fuckin trip took three hours when it shoulda taken like 1 hour tops. lame. not worth it but at least we have cat supplies i guess. and i shouldn't be jonesing for more jack in the box anytime soon. looks at the massive pile of jitb receipts still left in my car from before i moved lol......

anxiety is making me dread work holy shit, but mostly also the drive. bc my car is super not happy right now buuuut what can ya do -_- work itself should be fine. i'm mostly past the days of being afraid the entire day for the inevitable work shift to follow. thank god.

now i'm gonna go eat our leftover pizza and stuff. maybe watch some more gay space rocks. holy shit can i ever re-watch some gay space rocks episodes lemme tell ya. I CAME VERY CLOSE TO DRAWING A GEM OC TODAY LOL I JUST COULDN'T FIGURE OUT THE STYLE i'm doomed [but i have some good ideas]

WELL, i feel like i didn't get a whole lot of free time today. but that's ok. i woke up to breakfast in bed, this mixed up dish of livermush and eggs and cheese and chopped up green pepper and onion that bb had made. and it was sooo tasty. even though when i first wake up i don't feel hungry almost always even if i am, it takes like 30 minutes. so i got that feeling of eating when i wasn't hungry, lol. and i wasn't reeeeally in the mood for livermush. BUT what i'm saying is that dish was objectively delicious and i enjoyed it even though it wasn't exactly what i wanted at that moment. and that bb is such a good cook and a good partner and i love him to death <3

tbh what i wanted was more sleep LOL. i dragged my ass around for a few more hours, pretty sleep deprived. bb left for work and i dragged my butt to the bank, got out money to pay my boss for my new work shoes [which i decided after several days were acceptable, not the best ever but boy do they ever work on water unlike all the other expensive non slip shoes i've bought!! worth it], went to bojangles [:| i have eaten out every day since wednesday baaaaaddddd stoooopppp] and then dragged my butt back home.

got home and played with the TV because they have this roku box thing on it now that lets you watch netflix and youtube and whatever else on the tv and MAN IT'S NEAT! i made a profile on their netflix account, i... don't think they'll mind lol? just to keep my and bb's stuff separate. we have our own account but it'd be a pain to switch every time. ya know. i'm sure it's ok.

watched some US of Tara and then took a nap because i was fucking flatlining lol. i'm still tired after 2+ hours. but more or less caught up now. sometimes by my Friday, which is today, several consecutive nights of 5-6 hours of sleep catches up with me lol. i'm still young and can handle some lack of sleep but it won't last forever. and that's ok.

remember that bacon cake my roomie made yesterday? the CAKE is good and the maple frosting is ok but yeah the bacon flavored topping is disgusting lolol. but i finished my piece anyway. luckily all four of us seem to agree that it's repulsive so i'm not an asshole :V

speaking of the new shoes, the same thing is happening again that happened around 2011: i'm experiencing some partial numbness on one side of my right big toe. more of my toe is numb this time, it's pretty much the whole thing on the outer side of it [left side] from the knuckle to the nail tip. i'm assuming it's my new shoes that are doing this unfortunately. the last time i had this happen it was because of my new boots and/or work shoes at the time. but it did go away, slowly. so i'm not too worried about it. my feet are just wonky and sometimes they're gonna act weird. as long as i'm not in a load of pain and can walk fine i'm ok.

things that are happening in headspace lately: strong sudden flashes back to particular moments in the past. places we used to live or go to, people we used to know. strong yearning to go back to that. it happens pretty often and i think it's a Core thing, and it's all alright. the thing about past places is that we have bubblespaces for them, replicas of a lot of old places that were important to us. like old homes [carefully rebuilt in some places to avoid trauma triggers, like the kitchen in the old house], places in nature, schools etc. that Cores can go to, and i think we can invite others but no other way can they go in. so. yeah. i need to access those some more.

gonna post this and listen to that song that Bird gave me yesterday and get ready and go i reckon. long night ahead but even though it's Monday aka one of the slowest nights of the week, the manager who's working is fucking magic and makes the time pass so fast without being a total slave driver. amaaazeee. and then i can go the fuck HOME and begin my WEEKEND hell YEH.

idk quick update my brain is p empty lately :V just some things

- for the last 48 hours i have been doing almost nothing but watching steven universe while home. LOL. i'm enjoying it thoroughly and it's making me feel a lot of things and have a lot of thoughts. mostly about headspace and myself and my role in 'space. and a lot of the Rules of our 'space that i see reflected here. which is eternally crazy and i will never get over that.
- people around lately: me, hiccup, jewel, the Toy Soldier. feeling Trolley eyeing me this afternoon too.
- i realized just now while in the shower that "Ollie", my name, not only rhymes with Trolley's name but IS PART OF it. wow. wwwwow. my brain exploded. was that on purpose somehow. does that mean anything. @_@
- the days are calm and the nights are soft and life is good these days. and i'm... continuing to open up. slowly. finding the strength to break the paralysis when i find it. having so many episodes of growth and understanding.
- i'm having so much fun taking it day by day with Bird. every day something new. most nights something happens, just some little thing that just slays me and it's wonderful. i feel like we grow a little closer every day and it's. amazing. i wouldn't change a single thing. i can't wait to come see her kjlkjladhsdfhdfg why can't i do it like right now ;u;
- also she is reading the Age of Fire series, aka my favorite books of all time. bc i sent her the first one. AND SHE LOVES IT I THINK oH my goodness. like i knew she would like it but she's like so into it and i'm super excited. im gonna go dig up some AoF stuff to reblog for her.

ollie's diary of human happiness

wow i didn't write yesterday, think that's been the first day all month :v

idk. what's on my mind? other than the usual trash?

been listening to a lot of Daniel Johnston. and thinking that i should bust out the big keyboard that's living in my car rn. i should find someplace where i can store it because. i should start playing with it. i never learned the proper fingerings but that same exact situation for computer keyboards never stopped me from typing 80wpm, right? idk. i should definitely do that especially since i'm actually home alone semi-regularly now. WHICH IS REALLY GOOD FOR ME BTW. really important. once i can get the guts to actually do stuff.

thing that i think i should maybe write a song about is Stormy's death. maybe. i dunno. that'd be a fucking sad sack fucking song. but. that's a pile of sludge that's been lurking around in my insides for two years and i've never quite hacked it all the way out. and i mean honestly it's the death of a loved one, essentially the death of a child, it NEVER WILL be completely gone and that's fine. but. idk. i think that might be a subject. among MANY OTHER ONES I PROMISE NOT JUST SAD ONES

and i can tell you too that this is a HUGE sign that i'm growing. changing. i'm afraid to say the b-word, but... maybe even that. slowly. which is so wonderful. what i can also tell you is that things that used to jar the shit out of me or be legitimate triggers that would stop me cold and make me have to sorta reboot my brain - loud noises like a big rig hissing right in my ear while driving, for example, or the sound of a door knocking - just make me flinch now. they still bother me but they don't turn me into a curled up ball of terror anymore. i feel like bones that were exposed to the world are covered in new, healthy tissue now and thus when things bounce off them, it doesn't hurt so bad.

yesterday i talked to Bird in the morning on skype and THEN AT NIGHT I TALKED TO POE ON SKYPE LIKE ALL NIGHT. SO WOWOWOW DOUBLE SKYPES IN ONE DAY AND THEN!!! THIS AFTERNOON i got home from our outing and THEY WERE ON AGAIN SO LIKE 3 SKYPES IN 24 HOURS. so great. hell yeah. maybe the universe is kissing our ass to make up for the 3 days right after they got back from their trip. [i literally cannot believe it's been a week since they left jesus christ. the weekend felt like it alone took a week. that week or 2 that i'll spend up there in Utah is gonna last 5 seconds I swear to god]

idk. i seem to be back in this tuned into outside space phase again, where it's hard for me to let go of the front and pay attention to what's inside. but like. the other night hiccup had me just not even use my eyes inside, not try to focus on seeing visually, and just use all of my other senses. hearing and feeling. and i can do that!! i can do that even right now while i'm looking at things outside!! i can hear and feel and use inside senses that have no analog on the outside, and i at least keep track with that when my inside eyes won't focus properly. but if i AM in this phase again at least it's for a good reason because life outside is kinda amazing right now aslkjalkdjfasd

the trees outside my window are budding and IT'S AMAZING SPRING IS HERE IM SO GLAD ;w; winter is DONE AND OVER.

so our outing, when we woke up bb and i went to Red Lobster. and he didn't believe me that a $25 gift card wouldn't cover much :V but we were cheapo and actually managed to only go over 50 cents!! the amount of food we got was truly disappointing for 25 bucks, but i mean for the 50 cents that we actually paid, it was a lot LOL. so then after that bb convinced me to go to the cracker barrel and get some candy. which i mean we probably shouldn't have but. ya know. it was nice. :B and also i have strong associations with Cracker Barrel being THE PLACE WE GO ON ROAD TRIPS [would go like every year to see my maw maw in WV, and ALWAYS stopped at cracker barrel. and i would ALWAYS get myself a beanie baby while there lmfao. so we didn't eat there but the inside of the place was the exact fucking same even tho i've never been to this particular one. [they even still had a beanie baby corner. and it was the same corner. omg wtf. even though beanie babies suck ass now and look like crap] it was pretty awesome and we got some neat candies. YE. so that was a fun time.

WHAT ELSE idk. feeling kinda hyper right now but also like i don't want to do anything?? lol?? idk maybe i'll clean up because the room looked SUPER NICE and now it's a bit cluttered again. idk. only got like 2 hours until work and it's a long work night ahead but should be fine. thursdays are pretty easy and it's the most legit manager tonight so.

IDK LIFE IS GOOD TALKIN 2 MA BIRD AND LIKE. FEELIN LIKE IT'S OK TO BE SAPPY AND ROMANTIC AND BOLDLY STATE MY FEELINGS LIKE WOW AMAZE. I don't have to be ashamed and secretive and hide my feelings about everything????? Like they're not repulsive or disturbing????? Like what the hell lol. AMAZING FINDINGS

Only thing is Hiccup misses being up front so I'm gonna do my best to let go and let him have it completely tonight. Mostly anyway. I'm a little concerned about some hints I've been picking up about tomorrow so I'm gonna also have A Presence for the night. But work is allll his because he's the one who actually ENJOYS it. And he misses having a body and stuff so also that. God imagine if he ever physically got sexy with anyone lmfao i'm just sayin JUST SAYIN DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT

LOL well i failed at my mission of not spending any money until i get paid tomorrow night. but only because there wasn't a damn thing to eat in the house. >_> groceries will happen soon. this paycheck is gonna go quickly lmao. but yeah apparently i feel like eating... sushi with mountain dew :VVVV hey at least mt dew goes down better with sushi than Cheerwine LOL

So yeah like!!! I'm kinda thinking that the August trip might turn out to be more of a MAY trip omg. Meaning my birthday. Gift to myself. I'm gonna keep saving as much as I can though just in case bb doesn't get a better paying job by then, so that I might actually be able to take two entire weeks off work and still be able to pay rent LOL. hmmm you know since they will want me to ask off a month in advance, if i want this to happen in like mid to late may then I'll need to be sure of that within a few weeks, like by mid april! so i guess i'll work on smoothing out all the kinks and see how it goes. i don't want to be sure about it until i can buy the ticket, but... ya know. no sense putting the cart before the horse just yet. I'M JUST REALLY EXCITED THAT'S ALL AFJSDGJSG

so most of today was CLEANING~ and organizing. i defeated one more box so we're down to ONE box that won't fit in the closet. and like... the four boxes and two trash bags that are in the closet and the various items that are living in my car currently.. uhhh yeah lol. we have a bit of a storage issue in this tiny room. :x doing my best to downsize. i really am trying. BUT THE POINT IS 1] the vacuum that i got for christmas and had never used until today.... WORKS YAY! it's cheap but light and works just fine. and 2] my room is now the cleanest it has been EVER!! since we moved in, three weeks ago as of tomorrow. THE FLOOR IS CLEAR OF JUNK AND SHIT and it's amazing. only a little bit of junk on the bed.
the litterbox is clean, the birdcages are clean and they have fresh food and water!!! and it all smells rly good!! and i moved my pokemon stuff [and giant Toothless and soon the other Toothless-es when i find them] over on top of the gaming cabinet because lbr, that makes more sense, and so swapped the altar space over to the dresser and it IMMEDIATELY resonated better and actually felt like a sacred space. ya. very good. the other space just didn't work, idk. not the right place or lighting or vibe or something. but that one works. so i opened the space by ringing my deer antler bells, lit a candle and burned my FIRST INCENSE IN FUCKING YEARS because my family wouldn't ever let me and it was so nice. soooo nice.

did all that while watching HTTYD2 for like... the... fucking sixth time in three months LOL??? god i'm trash. mega trash. but hey it's on netflix and i wanted to have that experience ok.

and now in an hour i'm going to work and man it's sure nice to not feel MEGA DREAD for work anymore these days. and my roommates just got home after being gone the whole day yooo.

holy shit i thought i just lost that entire entry LOL. thank god the draft function actually worked this time.

ONLY PROBLEM WITH LIFE LATELY is i'm having issues connecting to headspace the past few days. but it's ok. it'll resolve itself. i probably need to do some meditating too.

idk i guess that's all i had to say. just cleaned up my room 2day that's about it. so glad to have Bird back in my daily life ugh you guys i might be kinda head over heels for this girl halp @_@

GOAL OF TODAY IS TO NOT SPEND ANY MONEY BECAUSE LOL. my wallet is hurting. no eating out until paycheck if possible.

thought today was prom night but it's actually just prom night for my old high school, not the one local to my job. which is a huge relief rofl. the local school won't have prom for like 3 more weeks. that night SUCKS ALWAYS.

idk. stuff n things. nothing really. today's kind of a nothing day. hanging out in the living room with my roommates. feeling good that i can relax about that more now. coming up on three weeks since we moved in and i'm relaxing a lot more.

ehh just feeling antsy. work wants me to come in early and i don'T WANNA WEH. don't wanna work ten hours no. u can't make me. by the way work last night was full of RIDICULOUS CRAZY PEOPLE and i don't... understand lmfao. i don't like to detail weird bad work experiences but last night was just TOO REAL lol. let's see:

1- dudes just sitting in our drive thru while a line builds up behind them, never placed an order, just... sitting there. apparently this is the third time they had come through. finally i convince them to pull up and they don't want anything, they just "want to give me a tip". well i'm not technically allowed to take tips and i already feel weird about this so that's what i tell them. and then the guy goes "the tip is: other people can't be mean!" at which point the guy behind him turns on a flashlight and shines it in my face, everyone in the car starts screaming in my general direction and someone throws money at me from inside the car. ?????????????????????????????? yeah i have no fucking clue. it sounds hilarious now but at the time i kinda thought i was about to have a gun pulled on me what with the light shining in my face????? so we called the cops and they drove off and ya know. saturday night fare. the only shit part is a cop later told us that unless the money hit my FACE, instead of bouncing off my shoulder, it didn't count as assault. lol what. but whatever. i'm definitely counting this as i have now officially been assaulted on the job. arighty then.

2- pretty sure i caught a dude jerking it in his car. no pants on, car door open. he turned around and saw me leaning out the window [waiting for my order to pull up] and looking at him, stared at me, then shut the door and drove away without even turning on his headlights. uhhhhhhh. okay. not traumatizing like the other events of the night, just... funny and stupid and like REALLY BRO? so yeah that

3- some guys high as fuck on i don't KNOW what came in during day close and i immediately knew they were gonna be trouble. were just dancing everywhere and being obnoxious and wouldn't stop calling me baby. which made me want to choke a bitch already. [my coworkers think i overreact to this kinda thing, but i can be a lil sensitive about dysphoria-inducing sexist patronizing terms being disrespectfully tossed in my direction, sorry not sorry :v] they were just fucking annoying and then finally i and another coworker got their order taken, then i stepped outside to hand food out, came back and one of the fuckers had taken my pen and paper and drunkenly wrote "big cock" and "dick" and other stupid shit on it. with MY PEN. at which point i had already dealt with those previous two fucks within one hour and my patience was depleted so i just told my boss about it and went away from the front LOL. so that i wouldn't punch a drugged up idiot or two in the fucking face. so my boss gave them their money back and kicked them out LOL!! they babbled about how they were gonna sue the store or whatever, called us a bunch of gross names in front of this old man trying to buy coffee, and then jittered their way back out the store. at which point i took my fucking break because i was done with people. but not before these same two idiots whipped their car around to the drive thru and pulled up to the speaker solely to call me and my boss cunts before driving away. what was in the water today????

yeah so. just wanna say that nights like that used to give me a fucking breakdown and promise myself to never again trust a living human. but nowadays i just SIGH LIKE... WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE. lol. third shift fast food jobs y'all. you really get all types.

IVE BEEN AWAKE SINCE EIGHT AM wtf. days off mean weird ass sleep schedules. exacerbated by taking a nap yesterday for a couple hours :v

thoughts in list form!:
- i got more drunk than anticipated last night LOL. but it was alright. like i said on twitter i'm blessed with the gift of, most of the time, being a pretty graceful drinker. bb on the other hand got absolutely rip roaring drunk lmfao. and woke up with a hangover and he works two shifts today. WELLP. :V i laughed at him a little and then gave him some advil, because i'm horrible but not THAT horrible. i had a good time. good way to celebrate without the madness that would have been irish pubs yesterday. and drunk skype with Poe is ALWAYS A GOOD TIME god i love it. sometime i will not be the one who is considerably drunker but last night i remember distinctly that my eyes were not working in sync lmfao.
- my roommates are having some kinda... idk?? argument or heated discussion?? and I'M RLY NERVOUS ABOUT IT WEGH. i'm gonna assume everything is ok but lakjsdlksjfsdf it makes me really unsettled and ;_; i might leave the house and go find something to do. i kinda want to check out that Last Place On Earth store, it's like a standalone pet store and those are always more fun than chains hell yeah. and they even have pet supermarket around here so i don't have to shop petsmart yas.
- hiccup is gone as HELL. before i took my nap yesterday i felt him nearby but flying, wheeling above. since i've woken up i have barely sensed him at all. today nothing. it's kinda nervous making but i'm ok. bird suggests i find someone else but i'm just like. i don't want someone else i want HIM lol. but that's not the way to be. u gotta hang out with all ur headpeople not just one of them. so i'm gonna go hang out somewhere and try to dig up Kyo, bring her up here to hang with. i need someone who's easy to get along with rn i think. and she will just stand around and be amazed at everything and talk about humans and nature and science forever and that feels good 2 my soul.

and roommates [who i assume have chilled out??? idk what happened] want me to drive them to look at cars SO it's time to get dressed and go. and send out a call for Kyo to come keep me company up here. ya. this is a new way of life for me in total, inside and out. and tbh i'm happy as hell lately and it's WEIRD AND NICE

today's my sister's 20th birthday! she was born 20 years ago. i barely barely remember it. i was almost 4 years old, and i was too little to be allowed to hold her. that's about all i remember.

today's adventure was going up alone, during rush hour, to the University City area and check out this used bookstore/video game/other stuff place called the Last Word. it was pretty great! i actually picked up a copy of the first Age of Fire book that they had lying around, because it matches the rest of my set - my copy of the first book is a different size and looks dumb but now they all match eyyy! And I picked up a DVD of the movie Contagion because... well, not that it was that good a movie but i have a legit movie theater poster of it and the ticket from when i went, which i intend to get framed eventually, so it feels right to have the actual movie lol. haven't seen it since that one time, after which my friend [who eventually became my roommate!] who worked at the movie theater there got me the poster when they took it down out of the window. so yeah. i have a weird little relationship with that film lol. and i also got jimmy john's again because i'm a weak man >_>' that is not about to become the new jack in the box. nope. i'm sorry it's just one of my favorite restaurants and it's actually around here where i live now and doesn't take forever to drive to!!! even though they keep putting cheese on my subs when i ask for no cheese!!!

so ya. now i'm home and gonna relax a little bit. work was a lot better than expected last night, and hopefully tonight will be chill like mondays usually are, so then i can begin my weekend in peace! [chill, not chilly Poe :PPP]

also the weather is freakin BEAUTIFUL THANK U BASED NATURE

ya that's really it for the most part. among a million other things i need to do [to include taxes, paperwork, getting my car fixed and figuring out some kinda storage solution for my room so we're not stumbling around boxes forever], i need to do more arts. almost two weeks in and i've barely touched my art supplies! time to work on that!

HAPPY MEGA PI DAY I GUESS

yeah so last night sucked so hard. tonight is gonna also suck. sunday night is gonna suck MOST OF ALL. yeah. i've accepted my fate. it's gonna be a rough work weekend. i'm over going into long details about dumb work and why it's dumb and stuff though. that used to be all i wrote in my ljs lol.

but if you're curious, the main reasons apart from the usual are st. paddy's day [reminder: please be nice to ur service workers even and especially when drunk/high off your ass. thx], and this like nation-wide skating event happening at the rink across the street from us???? which resulted in our parking lot, WALMART'S parking lot and every other parking lot within like a hundred yards or two being completely slam full of crazy people who were going skating. i don't understand how they fit that many people in a not that big sized skating rink. idek. so it had us pretty steady all night but then at 3:30 the event started ending i guess? even though we were told 5 am? and there started being BUSLOADS OF DRUNK PEOPLE DUMPED INTO OUR PARKING LOT LIKE 40 AT A TIME. and long story short i stayed an hour and a half late last night with no break. and sunday they're doing this same thing again only we'll have a less competent work team that night. yeeeah. if i die bury me at sea

IDK I'M SLEEPY AND HUNGRY AND NO ONE IS TEXTING ME and i'm sad about it. i'm used to actual human contact now wtf

animals are ANNOYING ME 2DAY WEH. murphy turns out to apparently also be one of those cats who needs to reach outside his litter box and pull in every object within 3 feet of it when he's even thinking about the damn thing, let alone actually needs to poop. just sees litter box and goes in there, scrapes every single thing for 5 minutes straight, pulls in any clothes/loose objects nearby, then walks back out. laskdjlkjsdfljasdj. and arty is screaming in my ear and uaaagh. i may need to leave the house and go find something to do to chill out. idk. just drive somewhere.

oh and on top of all this craziness... somebody smashed into my roommate's car in the parking lot last night. and fucking totaled it. like, broke the rear axle. what the FUCK MAN lol. so now they need a new car, when they just got this one like six months ago. it wasn't like the fanciest car or anything but jesus christ. but also i'm kinda glad i was working because i was parked in that very spot before i left... coulda been Jibba's last day on earth. D:

so yeah. being kind of a weird weekend. idk man. next weekend is also going to be a weird one i guess. but hopefully a little easier on the nerves than this -_- i might find something to do outside the house because i need to open my brain up a little bit. things will look a little more optimistic once i've eaten some good food.

time to make an update. feelin kinda bleh and weird which is almost certainly a sign of not caring for myself properly today. gonna get in the shower when this is done.

thoughts...

- learned that we shouldn't try to have another one of those ~encounters like the other day if i'm at all distracted. like it was fine but just wasn't what i wanted, wasn't the same. and that's ok. we're learning how these things work. i wasn't tuned in as highly as the other day, didn't feel safe enough, i guess.
- bird's going away for like four days next week and im so sad about it omg. trying not to talk about it and make you feel bad or whatever bc you read like everything i write probably <3 but JUST GONNA ADMIT THAT IM SAD AND KINDA ANXIOUS ABOUT NOT TALKING FOR THAT LONG. thats a long time. what will i do at work roflll. what i'm supposed to and not actually text anyone???? impossible. but i know it's gonna be a rly good time and i'll try to find something to get into then myself.
- Magic Man is food for the soul. such happy fucking music. a ray of sunshine in music form. i hear that the artist behind it is pretty much the same way and it's rly nice to meet other people like that. hell it's nice to meet just one human ray of sunshine tbh. /squeezes Hiccup.
- OH SO this isn't a show that i watch rly but there's steven universe stuff on my dash today and it's talking a lot about how characters fuse together to make one being? and specifically this instance was two characters who were obviously in a romantic relationship, and spend a lot of the time fused as one person. and. i had feels about that. like wow. that feels like us sometimes. so i just wanted to write that.

ya. stuff. eh. gonna shower now and try to focus inwardly some more. that's been me a lot lately, just trying to train myself to do it until it's second nature. slipping back effortlessly, able to see and hear and feel that side of my life anytime.

Current Music: magic man -- texas

yesterday was kind of a weird anxiety day but then it got rly better because i went to QT with my roommate and had good talks and ate A WHITE CHOCOLATE KIT KAT YOOO and a hot dog. like wow i actually wanted and ate and enjoyed a hot dog wtf. and then i drank half of a GIANT FROZEN CAPPUCCINO but turned out, it actually contained caffeine. fuck. so i like almost killed myself with caffeine and only got halfway through LOL. and THEN... had a couple glasses of mead and tipsy skyped with Poe until the wee hours and had a fucking great conversation and im cry it was so good. such good talks. im letting people see my squishy parts and they seem to actually like them and oh my god.

i waited til later to finish this so HERE HAS BEEN MY DAY:

- goin 2 ikea with bb, picking out a couple small bookshelves [and a light fixture for the tv stand that will make all of my game consoles LIGHT UP RLY PRETTY HOPEFULLY OMG], then turned out that we could only fit one of them at at time in his car LOL!!! so i had to stay behind and chill out at ikea for like 45 minutes while he drove home and then came back. but it worked out in the end. i built them both almost entirely myself, in like an hour and a half. hell yeah. that was actually super easy once i figured out the logic, i always heard ikea instructions and building were so hard. maybe i picked an easy first one.
- then watching more jay baruchel movies on netflix LOL while stocking bookshelves. i'm tired as hecke now but at least it's pretty much done. now i just gotta.... put... everything else away l o l. httyd 2 is just kinda... on netflix now how about that. IN PREPARATION FOR THE NEW SEASON OF RIDERS OF BERK OR W/E. i'm gonna watch it but it probably won't be... that good... :v the animation is always kinda disappointing. i mean it's just a tv show but after watching the FUCKING AMAZING animation of the movies it's kind of a letdown.
- now i gotta like.. find places to PUT EVERY SINGLE THING LOL. and also like, get an altar space opened up, and shove what i can't find places for into the closet, etc. but for now just taking a breather. finishing that coffee shit i bought yesterday lol. its good. good day. i wish my only two days off in the week weren't in a row but... w/e i guess. at least i HAVE two.

OH UM... ALSO... LIKE... bb is sleeping somewhere else tonight so like hiccup and me have the bedroom all to ourselves the whole night... omg... im scared rooooflll. like i'm excited for the private time but i'm also scared.

WHAT THE HELL this thing says post too large??? since when has THAT been a thing. i'll just post the survey that was on here on a different entry wtf

HEY SUP

i'm feeling really good rn because i went on an inadvertent sorta hike through the PARK TODAY and it turned out to be a really huge and nice park in a pine forest with TWO big ponds and water flow and yes. very nice. nicer than i expected. and i was really tired at the end but man it's good to have a place to walk in the woods. there's places out there i wouldn't believe i was in the middle of Charlotte, i'd think i was transported back into union county's backwoods nowhere, if there weren't low flying planes going overhead every few minutes. [which doesn't bother me, it just makes hiccup REALLY EXCITED EVERY SINGLE TIME LOL. maybe he'll get used to it eventually. maybe.]

hiccup was also excited by DOGS. the dog park. DOGS EVERYWHERE. so many happy excited playing running dogs oh my god. he was vibrating wanting to go in there and play and wrestle with them all. if only we had... any kind of availability in our life i'd get that boy a dog. but we couldn't possibly care for one well enough rn. sorry bro. :< but i'm sure they will all kiss you and play with you!!

PHEW YEAH that's p much been it, talked to Bird and also Tulia today and it was lovely and yes. i love talking to them all so much aaaahhhhhHH

oh also while out walking i actually had Trolley come up and speak to me. that was crazy. you FEEL her words more than hear them. her presence felt like roots growing out through my fingertips into the earth as she spoke to me of the depth of time and how there was something here before anything, even the pond, whether it was human made or not, it didn't matter. something had always been there before. long before. and i felt the vines crawling over my back and the roots shooting out of my hands as she spoke, softly, directly into my soul.

oh and when i first woke up i felt kinda like shit but then i decided to like JUST CALL UP BIRD ON THE PHONE??? when was the last time i called someone for pleasure just to talk to them??? it's probably been like eight years or more what the fuck. i never do that rofl. phone calls give me such anxiety but i decided to do it anyway and yeah my heart was pounding like always when the phone rings but i... like.. felt good. it felt natural and not awkward. and we talked and laughed and discussed plans for like 45 minutes and when i hung up [because bb had made me his omelet] it felt like the right amount of time, not cut short or drawn out too long, and i actually didn't feel drained. what. what is even happening to me this year omg.

yeah so i'm gonna make myself a gigantic bowl of cereal because I'M ACTUALLY REALY TRULY AN ADULT LEGIT I'M ON A LEASE AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT WHOOP ITS A GOOD DAY

still dealing with old baggage, slight turbulence in adjusting to a new way of life.

i'm much too used to hiding in my room all day, i don't know any other way to go about things. i'm comfortable in here and i have nothing to say out there, i want to be a bit more social but i don't know... how. don't know what to say, don't really want to talk. when we were moving in they expressed their desire for us to come out and be social, because their current roommate was in their room all the time. and so i feel guilty for this. although i know they wouldn't want me to feel guilty at all. but this is how i've lived for... well, i was going to say like 2 years, then i was going to say like 6 years but actually i guess when you boil it down it's been over a decade for me. it's going to be a hard habit to break.
and the last time i moved out, this caused problems with roommates who felt like i was being rude and antisocial and would traumatize me via call outs. but i have to remember that that's old stuff. it no longer applies. when those things happened i was A LOT further behind in my healing various issues than i am now. things are way way better now. and i am pretty damn sure my roomies wouldn't even think about doing something like that to me, but programming is there to protect me and doesn't realize when it's no longer applicable, so it still haunts me and i flinch every time i hear someone clear their throat or cough from the other room, believing for a split second that it's aimed at me. but it's not. this place is friendly and i have to try to remember that. the food in the kitchen is OUR food and it's okay to eat it even if you didn't buy it, unless there's something saying you shouldn't. that's gonna be really hard for me to un-learn.

there's also anxiety with the kitchen. that's mostly old and no longer needed programming that's still causing issues. i'm afraid to be 'caught' in the kitchen, afraid to take any of their food although i've been reassured that it's fine. and so i'm not eating very much and when i do it's usually like, one bowl of cereal per day because that's unobtrusive to make and i can be in and out quickly. this whole problem will be partially helped when we go get our own groceries and/or shop together all four of us. but. and washing dishes is triggering for me even after all these years, and i've done a LOT of work on that particular problem but it's still uncomfortable and i'm nervous and blah blah. ya know. my normal state.

in other news it is a beautiful day and i'm so so so happy the world is starting to warm up. it's gonna rain for like a week after today though lol. and that's ok. bless the rain. soon summer storms will come and it will be my time and the time of Irelia. <3

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the Broken Arrows

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T. B. A. S.

Book of Days

Entries tagged with outer life

how to love the body

So hard to update from my phone

101815

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050915

042815

041715

041615

041315

040315

032615

032315

032215

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030915

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