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found a super fuckin Vernon song. guess what. it's Sleeping At Last. this surprises no one. but it feels real good to see him vibing with this stuff. so here's a Vernon
andddd a little me!
found a super fuckin Vernon song. guess what. it's Sleeping At Last. this surprises no one. but it feels real good to see him vibing with this stuff. so here's a Vernon
andddd a little me!
(no subject)
Jun. 28th, 2017 09:34 pmwhat if, 2005-style, i used this as a place to dump sketches n doodles that i don't like enough to post publicly, but which still have value and are interesting~
( 2 doodles from today )
( 2 doodles from today )
so tonight might very well be my last night as solely a traditional artist. i haven’t had a tablet since 2011-ish and barely used it since 2007, when i got it, a decade ago. it was tiny and crappy and fell apart not long after i got it. this one is a monoprice brand, people have been raving about how good it is especially for the price for years. [some even say it’s better than a $200 wacom tablet…] it’s 8x10 inches i think??? pretty big so… yes i’m excited. so very excited. i cannot wait to wake up tomorrow and receive my beautiful new tablet, oh gosh i hope it works properly with my computer… i’m going to draw everyone and COLOR them!!! colors are so, so infinitely easier with digital, i can really draw you all the way you were meant to be seen, or as close as i can possibly get downstairs….
i love you all so much and i feel really good about myself for taking these steps to be able to perform my duty as Scion of the Broken Arrows. i understand a bit more about what my Scion title means now after my conversation with Trolley last night. create, create, create. you must create or die and take us all with you. i understand, great green mother.
i am going to go write some more system talk topics and close this up now. just to say that i’m proud of me and also SUPER excited to start my digital art again!!
i love you all so much and i feel really good about myself for taking these steps to be able to perform my duty as Scion of the Broken Arrows. i understand a bit more about what my Scion title means now after my conversation with Trolley last night. create, create, create. you must create or die and take us all with you. i understand, great green mother.
i am going to go write some more system talk topics and close this up now. just to say that i’m proud of me and also SUPER excited to start my digital art again!!
gem OCs I wanna make
Oct. 22nd, 2015 07:22 pmbut Ollie don't you already have like, ten
YES AND NO ONE CAN FUCKIN STOP ME >:333333333333333
1: emerald and aquamarine are my and my bf's birthstones and they are both varieties of beryl. we already have gemsonas and all that but like, i love this. i wanna do something with these two
2: maxixe. a super deep blue shade of aquamarine with A GREAT NAME
3 and 4: orthoclase and ilmenite. mostly just because these two combined with hematite form rainbow lattice sunstone. look that shit up. i have no like official data on this rock but like, yes. it's amazing. i might drop orthoclase tbh?? ilmenite is black N GORGEOUS
5: heliodor. super GOLDEN SHINY beryl variety. i love it. and it has a great name.
6: rhodonite. ITS SUPER FUCKING PINK pinkish red. looks like lipstick.
7: i need to work on Cinnabar, Kris's gemsona, and also [Ruby] Zoisite which would totally be 'his' fusion w Bloodstone
edit: LATER NOTEZ
finally worked out a vague outline for Hematite and Pyrite's fusion!!! they're like awkward roommates ok they HAVE to fuse at some point
- Marcasite~!
- weapon uhhh. well. shield and lance. may not even combine those two idk that seems like a great combo on its own
- she's LARGE and pale grey and basically a Warrior Queen Barbie From Hell/Valhalla, amazon, etc
- bb gave me the idea for a knight's helm so maybe also like braces and gauntlets and stuff that she summons. yas. and with that ponytail she has too
- cuz u know she has a long obnoxious blond ponytail along with an Obnoxious Poofy Coif in the front
- four eyeballs, four arms. u know the game
- hematite still feels weird ab fusion but at least this one is explicitly for fighting although it's not with other hematites. HMMM
my steven universe tag is more about my OCs than the actual show whoops
YES AND NO ONE CAN FUCKIN STOP ME >:333333333333333
1: emerald and aquamarine are my and my bf's birthstones and they are both varieties of beryl. we already have gemsonas and all that but like, i love this. i wanna do something with these two
2: maxixe. a super deep blue shade of aquamarine with A GREAT NAME
3 and 4: orthoclase and ilmenite. mostly just because these two combined with hematite form rainbow lattice sunstone. look that shit up. i have no like official data on this rock but like, yes. it's amazing. i might drop orthoclase tbh?? ilmenite is black N GORGEOUS
5: heliodor. super GOLDEN SHINY beryl variety. i love it. and it has a great name.
6: rhodonite. ITS SUPER FUCKING PINK pinkish red. looks like lipstick.
7: i need to work on Cinnabar, Kris's gemsona, and also [Ruby] Zoisite which would totally be 'his' fusion w Bloodstone
edit: LATER NOTEZ
finally worked out a vague outline for Hematite and Pyrite's fusion!!! they're like awkward roommates ok they HAVE to fuse at some point
- Marcasite~!
- weapon uhhh. well. shield and lance. may not even combine those two idk that seems like a great combo on its own
- she's LARGE and pale grey and basically a Warrior Queen Barbie From Hell/Valhalla, amazon, etc
- bb gave me the idea for a knight's helm so maybe also like braces and gauntlets and stuff that she summons. yas. and with that ponytail she has too
- cuz u know she has a long obnoxious blond ponytail along with an Obnoxious Poofy Coif in the front
- four eyeballs, four arms. u know the game
- hematite still feels weird ab fusion but at least this one is explicitly for fighting although it's not with other hematites. HMMM
my steven universe tag is more about my OCs than the actual show whoops
so instead of dreading work tonight [the only thing standing between me and NightBEAT so WATCH DA FUQ OUT WORKPLACE LOL], I'm going to tell you about my headcanon for my favorite restaurant in town, the Diamond.
The more I go there the more vibes I feel about it, haha. I love to imagine that the place is protected, guarded, maybe even partially powered/watched over by a gem that's maybe buried in the foundation or stowed up in the attic or in the walls somewhere. Corrupted, maybe, only mildly so, or cracked but not terribly. Not enough to turn her into a monster or completely erase her consciousness as herself. It's almost sort of a dormant, sleepy sort of thing.
The place was named the Diamond after the stone, of course. It's not a diamond, and the store owners knew that - well, after they'd had it appraised they knew. But they kept it anyway. Big honking blue-green diamond-cut stone, barely able to be held in both hands. Apatite.
She's lucid, maybe it's a struggle for her to manifest a physical form these days due to her condition, but it's not so bad. Maybe she even prefers more-or-less living as a building now.
There's always internal bubbly laughter at 'her' humans calling her gem a diamond. A Diamond, indeed. Hardly, but she'll take it.
There's a painting in the dining room, over the biggest table in the restaurant. A blue-green woman with long flowing curly locks of dark color, with a bright teal rose standing out in her hair - for make no mistake, she had been a Crystal Gem once herself - fork in one hand and massive gemstone held in the other. In truth, on the physical the gem had rested on her stomach, just below her rounded chest. But Apatite was flattered by the painting anyway. Someone over the decades had come in and been... inspired by her. Even though they didn't know it.
A few years ago, the place closed down. For some human politics related reason that she couldn't fathom. She wouldn't have it. In what felt like a blink to her, interest rekindled and the Diamond reopened its doors with new staff. And Apatite settled peacefully into the rhythms of humans coming together to eat and drink under her roof.
It was a different sort of life now, limited by her damaged gem... but not so bad.
The more I go there the more vibes I feel about it, haha. I love to imagine that the place is protected, guarded, maybe even partially powered/watched over by a gem that's maybe buried in the foundation or stowed up in the attic or in the walls somewhere. Corrupted, maybe, only mildly so, or cracked but not terribly. Not enough to turn her into a monster or completely erase her consciousness as herself. It's almost sort of a dormant, sleepy sort of thing.
The place was named the Diamond after the stone, of course. It's not a diamond, and the store owners knew that - well, after they'd had it appraised they knew. But they kept it anyway. Big honking blue-green diamond-cut stone, barely able to be held in both hands. Apatite.
She's lucid, maybe it's a struggle for her to manifest a physical form these days due to her condition, but it's not so bad. Maybe she even prefers more-or-less living as a building now.
There's always internal bubbly laughter at 'her' humans calling her gem a diamond. A Diamond, indeed. Hardly, but she'll take it.
There's a painting in the dining room, over the biggest table in the restaurant. A blue-green woman with long flowing curly locks of dark color, with a bright teal rose standing out in her hair - for make no mistake, she had been a Crystal Gem once herself - fork in one hand and massive gemstone held in the other. In truth, on the physical the gem had rested on her stomach, just below her rounded chest. But Apatite was flattered by the painting anyway. Someone over the decades had come in and been... inspired by her. Even though they didn't know it.
A few years ago, the place closed down. For some human politics related reason that she couldn't fathom. She wouldn't have it. In what felt like a blink to her, interest rekindled and the Diamond reopened its doors with new staff. And Apatite settled peacefully into the rhythms of humans coming together to eat and drink under her roof.
It was a different sort of life now, limited by her damaged gem... but not so bad.
Today's daily draw, #8: "What rules unconsciously govern my life?"
draw: The Queen of Pentacles
[really interesting since I did a lot of learning about the Pentacles suit last night with Amanda for our pokemon tarot stuff. makes me think about giving and what i've been learning about the act of giving one's self. Learning that the self, in my case, is actually worth something and people sometimes, surprise, want to receive that. Haha]
SO having a lot of thoughts because of last night. [Which was fucking GREAT CAN I JUST SAY LOL I was in THE best mood from like 2 am onward and it didn't even happen to me lol. Just. Ugh. I love u two so much like as individuals and also I love u together. You're so good for each other. It makes me cry hahah] And the conversation this morning too. Making me think a whole lot about different expressions. How two different people will use a different personal 'language' to express the same feeling, and how easy it can be to make yourself think it's not the same feeling, just because you don't express it in the same way.
Like. Okay. This is nerdy, this is SO nerdy. But take Ruby and Sapphire from SU. Think about those two. They obviously love each other, right? And they would express their feelings for each other in distinctly different ways, wouldn't you say? Maybe Ruby would be more likely to be more loud and vocal and kinda flashy about it, maybe more prone to Shouting From The Rooftops[tm] about how strong her feelings are, but Sapphire would probably let her actions speak more than her words. That's exactly the same feeling, but coming from two different angles, so they show through differently. Neither one has stronger or lesser feelings. Neither one is 'broken' or has something wrong with them. They have different styles and they complement each other well.
That's an analogy that came to me in the shower lol and tbh it's really accurate to how I'm thinking right now. Me, I like to write things out. That's why I'm writing this entry right now. I love to make long winded kinda rambly explanations detailing my thoughts and feelings. It helps me work out the simmering froth of emotions I may be feeling at any given time, lol. Seeing them laid out in front of me like that. I don't think that means your feelings are lesser because you don't feel the same compulsion that I do.
But that's not all there is to it, is there? There's another facet. And that is that I'm an artist, and a performer, and a writer too in a way. The whole experience of being a performing artist, for me anyway, is showing vulnerable things, true things about yourself to other people and seeing their reaction happen in front of you. Seeing that those things GET a reaction. Watching yourself having a profound impact on other people, realizing that you can get inside them, make them feel something real because of you. That always hits me right in the gut and I crave it. And when it's from someone I care that much about... it increases by a hundredfold. Almost feels addictive haha. Seeing that I make waves in you when I tell you how I feel. Makes me desperate for you to know, to KNOW what you make me feel. So I tell you in as many words as I can muster.
I feel like maybe I'm more like Ruby, and you're more like Sapphire, to return to my nerdy comparison. Maybe things will be made more obvious when we share the same physical space. Another thing I can't wait to find out. <333
In slightly more mundane news.. It's tropical storm season~! And like IN THE FIRST WEEK of it here comes the first storm, called Ana, and it just happens to be forming on the Carolina coast lmao. No hurricane strength with this one, not anywhere close, but it means we can look forward to a LOAD of rain and maybe some winds over the weekend. I'm here 4 this. As long as I hopefully don't have to drive through a heavy storm because the literal only thing I don't like about storms is driving in them.
draw: The Queen of Pentacles
[really interesting since I did a lot of learning about the Pentacles suit last night with Amanda for our pokemon tarot stuff. makes me think about giving and what i've been learning about the act of giving one's self. Learning that the self, in my case, is actually worth something and people sometimes, surprise, want to receive that. Haha]
SO having a lot of thoughts because of last night. [Which was fucking GREAT CAN I JUST SAY LOL I was in THE best mood from like 2 am onward and it didn't even happen to me lol. Just. Ugh. I love u two so much like as individuals and also I love u together. You're so good for each other. It makes me cry hahah] And the conversation this morning too. Making me think a whole lot about different expressions. How two different people will use a different personal 'language' to express the same feeling, and how easy it can be to make yourself think it's not the same feeling, just because you don't express it in the same way.
Like. Okay. This is nerdy, this is SO nerdy. But take Ruby and Sapphire from SU. Think about those two. They obviously love each other, right? And they would express their feelings for each other in distinctly different ways, wouldn't you say? Maybe Ruby would be more likely to be more loud and vocal and kinda flashy about it, maybe more prone to Shouting From The Rooftops[tm] about how strong her feelings are, but Sapphire would probably let her actions speak more than her words. That's exactly the same feeling, but coming from two different angles, so they show through differently. Neither one has stronger or lesser feelings. Neither one is 'broken' or has something wrong with them. They have different styles and they complement each other well.
That's an analogy that came to me in the shower lol and tbh it's really accurate to how I'm thinking right now. Me, I like to write things out. That's why I'm writing this entry right now. I love to make long winded kinda rambly explanations detailing my thoughts and feelings. It helps me work out the simmering froth of emotions I may be feeling at any given time, lol. Seeing them laid out in front of me like that. I don't think that means your feelings are lesser because you don't feel the same compulsion that I do.
But that's not all there is to it, is there? There's another facet. And that is that I'm an artist, and a performer, and a writer too in a way. The whole experience of being a performing artist, for me anyway, is showing vulnerable things, true things about yourself to other people and seeing their reaction happen in front of you. Seeing that those things GET a reaction. Watching yourself having a profound impact on other people, realizing that you can get inside them, make them feel something real because of you. That always hits me right in the gut and I crave it. And when it's from someone I care that much about... it increases by a hundredfold. Almost feels addictive haha. Seeing that I make waves in you when I tell you how I feel. Makes me desperate for you to know, to KNOW what you make me feel. So I tell you in as many words as I can muster.
I feel like maybe I'm more like Ruby, and you're more like Sapphire, to return to my nerdy comparison. Maybe things will be made more obvious when we share the same physical space. Another thing I can't wait to find out. <333
In slightly more mundane news.. It's tropical storm season~! And like IN THE FIRST WEEK of it here comes the first storm, called Ana, and it just happens to be forming on the Carolina coast lmao. No hurricane strength with this one, not anywhere close, but it means we can look forward to a LOAD of rain and maybe some winds over the weekend. I'm here 4 this. As long as I hopefully don't have to drive through a heavy storm because the literal only thing I don't like about storms is driving in them.
oh my GOD can it please be later in the summer yet i want to fucking go to utah like right now lol
draw for today, #6: "What prevents me from expressing my passions?"
draw: the Devil.
[wellllll then. speaks to me of Satan, aka the Self, the sacred self or just one's own self. standing my own way. sounds about right. and sources for tarot say this card represents stuff like doubt and self worth issues. also nails it on the head. l o l pretty straightforward today]
going to work in about an hour. still going through these weird issues. not too deep in it but i wish i could go back to it being march. [THEN AGAIN I'M LIKE 7 WEEKS CLOSER TO GOIN ON MY TRIP HERE AAAHHHHH] maybe that really was the honeymoon period after a new move and i was wrong to discount that idea. i dunno!
birthday is in like two weeks. i'm gonna be 24 OMG. two dozen years of being a human. i have no idea what my plans will be. i have none so far. BUT it is on a tuesday. unfortunately it's the last day before payday. fortunately that means if i DO have any spending money left, then i can blow it all that day if i please lolol. but where will we go??? what will we do??? i wanna do SOMETHING. i have no idea. i hope i get some presents from people bc i LOVE PRESENTS HOLY SHIT. like i love giving them so much. i love receiving them. i love the existence of presents. i guess i'm a dragon that way lol
i'm getting to vaguely know the neighborhoods of charlotte. or at least of the eastern side of the city and uptown. know where people are talking about when they refer to certain areas or streets. that's pretty cool. city bird.
really starting to feel that "i'm wasting my time" feeling at all times. no matter what i'm doing. making art? wasting time. going out and about? wasting time, could be making art or something. playing games? wasting time. like what is that?? what grossness do i need to blast out of my brain. if i'm enjoying myself then i'm not wasting anything!! seriously. i just always feel like "oh no I only have x number of hours until I have to go back to work, this is my only chance to enjoy myself and i'm BLOWING IT somehow" like... even if i'm only halfway through my first day off of 2.5 days. like. why is that. i'm exactly where i need to be right now. i need to be in that mindset and not this one.
i find that cleaning helps a little. so i cleaned, a little. got my cluttered desk fixed up. [and watched Harold and Maude. which Vernon found out about in like 2008 and wanted to watch and never could find it until now. that sure was... a thing. a super duper 60s morbid thing. but glad we watched it finally lol]
the only thing that really needs to get done ASAP is getting my car registered. i really ought to just pony up and go get that done. go stand in line for hours in a place i don't know. bleckh. you see why i've been putting this off. but everything else is done now... i think. but my car will be illegal before too much longer so i really can't keep waiting.
headspace is so silent on my days off. i don't like it. i should get out of the house and find ways to get out that don't involve me spending money on food, going and making art or something. BUT THEN, my thoughts turn to coffee shops or whatever, which is great but... i always feel like i should maximize my time spent with bb since he travels so far for work now, he's gone most of the day. :[ idk i'm stuck in a weird position right now. but i can't go back to that place i was in before, where because i didn't know what i should be doing with my life on a given day, i did nothing instead. nah. let's not.
idk my life these days mostly consists of "SO THERE'S THIS GIRL..." lolol. only i can't really even talk about her to people. because of the issues i mentioned before. i just have to mention 'my friend' who lives far away. but then i can't confide in them how crazy i am about her aahhhh. o well. there are a couple of people tho that i trust enough to talk to about her. i hope she doesn't mind. :3c THE GOOD THING ABOUT THIS IS, i don't have to field the whole stupid series of questions like "how do you know you even like them when you've never even met???" shit like that again. people don't realize that meeting someone online means you get to know them from the inside out. in a more intimate way than you could ever hope to when first meeting in person.]
i guess i'm outta stuff to say now. burd gets internet back tomorrow so ENJOY CATCHING UP ON MY GOOFY JOURNAL ENTRIES and she just texted me as i was typing this sentence gosh :#3
draw for today, #6: "What prevents me from expressing my passions?"
draw: the Devil.
[wellllll then. speaks to me of Satan, aka the Self, the sacred self or just one's own self. standing my own way. sounds about right. and sources for tarot say this card represents stuff like doubt and self worth issues. also nails it on the head. l o l pretty straightforward today]
going to work in about an hour. still going through these weird issues. not too deep in it but i wish i could go back to it being march. [THEN AGAIN I'M LIKE 7 WEEKS CLOSER TO GOIN ON MY TRIP HERE AAAHHHHH] maybe that really was the honeymoon period after a new move and i was wrong to discount that idea. i dunno!
birthday is in like two weeks. i'm gonna be 24 OMG. two dozen years of being a human. i have no idea what my plans will be. i have none so far. BUT it is on a tuesday. unfortunately it's the last day before payday. fortunately that means if i DO have any spending money left, then i can blow it all that day if i please lolol. but where will we go??? what will we do??? i wanna do SOMETHING. i have no idea. i hope i get some presents from people bc i LOVE PRESENTS HOLY SHIT. like i love giving them so much. i love receiving them. i love the existence of presents. i guess i'm a dragon that way lol
i'm getting to vaguely know the neighborhoods of charlotte. or at least of the eastern side of the city and uptown. know where people are talking about when they refer to certain areas or streets. that's pretty cool. city bird.
really starting to feel that "i'm wasting my time" feeling at all times. no matter what i'm doing. making art? wasting time. going out and about? wasting time, could be making art or something. playing games? wasting time. like what is that?? what grossness do i need to blast out of my brain. if i'm enjoying myself then i'm not wasting anything!! seriously. i just always feel like "oh no I only have x number of hours until I have to go back to work, this is my only chance to enjoy myself and i'm BLOWING IT somehow" like... even if i'm only halfway through my first day off of 2.5 days. like. why is that. i'm exactly where i need to be right now. i need to be in that mindset and not this one.
i find that cleaning helps a little. so i cleaned, a little. got my cluttered desk fixed up. [and watched Harold and Maude. which Vernon found out about in like 2008 and wanted to watch and never could find it until now. that sure was... a thing. a super duper 60s morbid thing. but glad we watched it finally lol]
the only thing that really needs to get done ASAP is getting my car registered. i really ought to just pony up and go get that done. go stand in line for hours in a place i don't know. bleckh. you see why i've been putting this off. but everything else is done now... i think. but my car will be illegal before too much longer so i really can't keep waiting.
headspace is so silent on my days off. i don't like it. i should get out of the house and find ways to get out that don't involve me spending money on food, going and making art or something. BUT THEN, my thoughts turn to coffee shops or whatever, which is great but... i always feel like i should maximize my time spent with bb since he travels so far for work now, he's gone most of the day. :[ idk i'm stuck in a weird position right now. but i can't go back to that place i was in before, where because i didn't know what i should be doing with my life on a given day, i did nothing instead. nah. let's not.
idk my life these days mostly consists of "SO THERE'S THIS GIRL..." lolol. only i can't really even talk about her to people. because of the issues i mentioned before. i just have to mention 'my friend' who lives far away. but then i can't confide in them how crazy i am about her aahhhh. o well. there are a couple of people tho that i trust enough to talk to about her. i hope she doesn't mind. :3c THE GOOD THING ABOUT THIS IS, i don't have to field the whole stupid series of questions like "how do you know you even like them when you've never even met???" shit like that again. people don't realize that meeting someone online means you get to know them from the inside out. in a more intimate way than you could ever hope to when first meeting in person.]
i guess i'm outta stuff to say now. burd gets internet back tomorrow so ENJOY CATCHING UP ON MY GOOFY JOURNAL ENTRIES and she just texted me as i was typing this sentence gosh :#3
wow idk just didn't have things to say for a day or two. STILL DON'T LOL but making myself update anyway.
today went and checked out this place that sells beads and stones and wrapping wire. and that is what i came for. and i got a length of copper wire and few stones and beads and got home and made SO many things. and they all look amazing and i'm really proud omg. and bb gave me a little length of simple suede to wear them on for now. yes. right now wearing my coyote tooth with the copper wrapped around it and two tiny garnet beads attached, looking like dull gleaming red drops of blood. which is what the tooth told me it wanted from day 1. feels very good.
watched some Cosmos, the new one with NGT. and Cassius came up of course. and silently watched some parts with me and got teary eyed at some things. as he should because... yeah. i wanna watch some more soon with him because we like never spend time together these days and i wanna get to know him better.
and now i might drink myself some mead and head to bed in an hour or two. because it's my night off and i'm skyping the one i love and the other one that i love is curled up asleep near me and it's good.
today went and checked out this place that sells beads and stones and wrapping wire. and that is what i came for. and i got a length of copper wire and few stones and beads and got home and made SO many things. and they all look amazing and i'm really proud omg. and bb gave me a little length of simple suede to wear them on for now. yes. right now wearing my coyote tooth with the copper wrapped around it and two tiny garnet beads attached, looking like dull gleaming red drops of blood. which is what the tooth told me it wanted from day 1. feels very good.
watched some Cosmos, the new one with NGT. and Cassius came up of course. and silently watched some parts with me and got teary eyed at some things. as he should because... yeah. i wanna watch some more soon with him because we like never spend time together these days and i wanna get to know him better.
and now i might drink myself some mead and head to bed in an hour or two. because it's my night off and i'm skyping the one i love and the other one that i love is curled up asleep near me and it's good.
SO LOL WE DIDN'T GET A SINGLE CM OF SNOW. Saw a little drift of it amongst the rain last night but the vast majority of it was just that, loads of rain. I'm so relieved. Was not here for the 6-8" of snow that everyone was crowing about. Some places around here did get snow and lots of it but here, just rain, so I can breathe easy.
and the bird just chewed my sketchbook THANKS DICKBUTT!!!!!!!!!
so today is the one year anniversary of me starting my animal crossing town!! and I played and NO ONE EVEN MENTIONED IT LOL. I thought at least Isabelle would have something to say but nope no one seemed to even remember. RUDE oh well I celebrated by creating my first second player character!! it's a girl and her name's Alice because I seem to have a thing for names that start with vowel sounds :v
bb is going into the game store where he RLY WANTS TO WORK and i'm excited. and for the SECOND time, as soon as he pulled up there, a hawk swooped over his windshield. that happened the last time when he showed up for the interview too. what the hell. it wasn't a redtail this time he said [mentioned a russet-orange lower back?], but.... wow. seriously. Hawk is speaking to him. i told him it feels like a symbol of seizing opportunity as it comes. i'm really excited to hear the news, i can't imagine what else they could have wanted him for except to sign paperwork and tell him he got the job. @u@ [if he does i'm gonna have to give him something Hawk to take with him to that job, because clearly it's been blessed/claimed.]
good news, I'VE BEEN DRAWING A LOT.... but it's all really embarassing rofffllll fuck my life. at least i have a couple people that i feel comfortable showing it to. if this was just happening to me in a vacuum then i might feel compelled to... like... POST IT PUBLICLY ONLINE holy jesus no. which is a shame bc i'm kinda proud of it but all the same i really... shouldn't lmfao
but so. yes. Bird and Hiccup pretty much combined forces and goaded me into taking a shower and getting dressed for NO REASON. i'm usually like wearing next to nothing super junky don't give a fuck clothes haha. but now i feel more productive i guess???? i need to make something to eat. even if it's just ramen. but srsly i've been taking showers almost every day for... most of the time that we've been in this room. so for like weeks now. before i used to put it off for EVER and like take one a week if that >_> and i wasn't disgusting or anything, but i didn't look sharp either. so. it's rly nice to feel ~fresh~ lol.
THATS ABOUT IT FOR NOW it's just the beginning of the day I guess :v now we're probably off to make some food and do laundry and that kinda thing. because we're almost out of towels and it's like the perfect time to WASH ALL THEMS BEFORE WE MOVE.
and the bird just chewed my sketchbook THANKS DICKBUTT!!!!!!!!!
so today is the one year anniversary of me starting my animal crossing town!! and I played and NO ONE EVEN MENTIONED IT LOL. I thought at least Isabelle would have something to say but nope no one seemed to even remember. RUDE oh well I celebrated by creating my first second player character!! it's a girl and her name's Alice because I seem to have a thing for names that start with vowel sounds :v
bb is going into the game store where he RLY WANTS TO WORK and i'm excited. and for the SECOND time, as soon as he pulled up there, a hawk swooped over his windshield. that happened the last time when he showed up for the interview too. what the hell. it wasn't a redtail this time he said [mentioned a russet-orange lower back?], but.... wow. seriously. Hawk is speaking to him. i told him it feels like a symbol of seizing opportunity as it comes. i'm really excited to hear the news, i can't imagine what else they could have wanted him for except to sign paperwork and tell him he got the job. @u@ [if he does i'm gonna have to give him something Hawk to take with him to that job, because clearly it's been blessed/claimed.]
good news, I'VE BEEN DRAWING A LOT.... but it's all really embarassing rofffllll fuck my life. at least i have a couple people that i feel comfortable showing it to. if this was just happening to me in a vacuum then i might feel compelled to... like... POST IT PUBLICLY ONLINE holy jesus no. which is a shame bc i'm kinda proud of it but all the same i really... shouldn't lmfao
but so. yes. Bird and Hiccup pretty much combined forces and goaded me into taking a shower and getting dressed for NO REASON. i'm usually like wearing next to nothing super junky don't give a fuck clothes haha. but now i feel more productive i guess???? i need to make something to eat. even if it's just ramen. but srsly i've been taking showers almost every day for... most of the time that we've been in this room. so for like weeks now. before i used to put it off for EVER and like take one a week if that >_> and i wasn't disgusting or anything, but i didn't look sharp either. so. it's rly nice to feel ~fresh~ lol.
THATS ABOUT IT FOR NOW it's just the beginning of the day I guess :v now we're probably off to make some food and do laundry and that kinda thing. because we're almost out of towels and it's like the perfect time to WASH ALL THEMS BEFORE WE MOVE.
WHY WHEN I ACTUALLY LOSE THE ENTRY I'M WORKING ON IS THE ONLY TIME IT DOESN'T SAVE A DRAFT GO FUCK URSELF UPDATE PAGE
ugh. ughhhHH ok basics of what I wrote
- nervous about moving day coming a lot sooner than expected when this winter storm has been dangling its balls in our faces for so long I haven't been able to get out and get anything done
- it's COLD AS FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK in north carolina right now, cold as the Void, cold as between
- getting close to being able to draw my dragonself, gotta get rid of this self consciousness about drawing the same things over and over, THAT'S LITERALLY THE ONLY WAY YOU IMPROVE AT DRAWING THINGS SELF
yeah that's about it. goddamnit livejournal get ur shit together plz. now i have to get dressed and bundle up HUGELY WELL AND GO TO WORK BYE.
ugh. ughhhHH ok basics of what I wrote
- nervous about moving day coming a lot sooner than expected when this winter storm has been dangling its balls in our faces for so long I haven't been able to get out and get anything done
- it's COLD AS FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK in north carolina right now, cold as the Void, cold as between
- getting close to being able to draw my dragonself, gotta get rid of this self consciousness about drawing the same things over and over, THAT'S LITERALLY THE ONLY WAY YOU IMPROVE AT DRAWING THINGS SELF
yeah that's about it. goddamnit livejournal get ur shit together plz. now i have to get dressed and bundle up HUGELY WELL AND GO TO WORK BYE.
last night i stayed up late skyping with Roane and it was great and we skyped again as soon as i woke up today and yesss. lots of talking with friend. lots of sharing. lots of headspace talk. very good for me. gonna be putting stuff together to send to her as soon as i can get a box and have scribbled sufficient brain-puke onto some pages to give her.
it's time i talked about Hiro. yep. so yeah it looks like we are getting another fictive????? rly weird man. i thought we were done with this after Hiccup happened last summer, but two days ago i just started googling pictures of him and made a mii of him on tomodachi life. and at work he couldn't leave my brain. and every time i interacted with computers i started feeling that fizzle in the back of my head. and it clicked. and i SWORE LOUDLY. because jesus christ. i thought we were done with this fictive stuff @_@ BUT APPARENTLY NOT. i guess the System sees a reason for Hiro to be here.
went and re-watched the movie yesterday because it was still in the theater [first time i saw it was a few days after xmas]. Roane said "the second time will wake him", that stuck with me. i'm not sure it woke him fully, but that wasn't really the point of going. the point was refreshing our memory, remembering who we're dealing with here. [also because it's a Fucking Good Movie. and i would definitely go see it a third time if the chance came my way.]
he's here alright. still half-dreaming, only partially lucid. maybe i'll take him to target, let him wander a bit. that's what we did with Hiccup when he was first "born". fictives are so much more emotional, so much more personal than most other headpeople in here, because i almost never get to see them born into lucidity, watch them manifest the way I did with Hiccup and now this one, too. but at least now I know what to expect a little bit, and i can help him out a little. today we listened to a lot of electronic and synthpop type music and Hiro stirred a lot at that stuff. seems like his kind of deal. i can already tell he'll be involved with the City. and that's okay. as long as i don't lose him there.
Hiccup's doing a lot of helping, too. partially because that's just who he is and partially because he's fascinated by this. by no longer being the odd one out, the weird one without ken, not native. i expect they'll probably be fast friends. almost like brothers. i never imagined i'd meet someone smaller and scrawnier than Hiccup was at 15, but... here we are. :v
so yeah. new head dude happening it seems. i will update with how it goes.
i stayed up waaaay too late last night, but my mind opened up and i scribbled like crazy. like i said, drawing tons of headspace stuff [both mine and Roane's] to send her way eventually. this was after watching Over the Garden Wall with her for a couple hours. that was pretty good. pretty spooky, pretty strong Ghibli influence there which is never a bad thing. i'm glad little kids get to watch spooky shit like this that will stay with them. but anyway the drawing reminded me of what i used to do, which really is what i NEED to do. is just draw. just put pencil to paper and just scribble any and everything that comes to mind. every imagery, whether i think i 'can draw' it or not. it doesn't have to look good. that's where ideas come from and evolve. i gotta put it down even if it's not pretty.
on an outside note: we are looking at a rental house tomorrow. i really really dunno if we can afford it with our budget, the rent alone is on the top of our price range, and then include our other bills, groceries, utilities, gas... i honestly don't know. but i REALLY want this to happen. this is the best lead we've got yet. every apartment that we can afford is taken if in a nice area, or open and in the ghetto/scary parts of town and i'd really rather not hike my anxiety levels any higher than they already are all the time. this little tiny house has two bedrooms and it's super super nice. in downtown but not the bad parts of town. right near the hospital. please please please let this work. ;^; we get to go and check it out for free, with no one even guiding us, we just had to put 99 cents in the account which we'll get back afterward, very cool. please let this work, please let bb find a second job so that we can maybe afford this. this seems like a really great chance for us if we can just swing it. i'm very hopeful and anxious.
alright so i think i'm gonna get dressed and take Hiro to target or something. maybe get him a small anchor if possible. and then go home and watch httyd2 with Hiccup. just spendin time with my weird friends today.
it's time i talked about Hiro. yep. so yeah it looks like we are getting another fictive????? rly weird man. i thought we were done with this after Hiccup happened last summer, but two days ago i just started googling pictures of him and made a mii of him on tomodachi life. and at work he couldn't leave my brain. and every time i interacted with computers i started feeling that fizzle in the back of my head. and it clicked. and i SWORE LOUDLY. because jesus christ. i thought we were done with this fictive stuff @_@ BUT APPARENTLY NOT. i guess the System sees a reason for Hiro to be here.
went and re-watched the movie yesterday because it was still in the theater [first time i saw it was a few days after xmas]. Roane said "the second time will wake him", that stuck with me. i'm not sure it woke him fully, but that wasn't really the point of going. the point was refreshing our memory, remembering who we're dealing with here. [also because it's a Fucking Good Movie. and i would definitely go see it a third time if the chance came my way.]
he's here alright. still half-dreaming, only partially lucid. maybe i'll take him to target, let him wander a bit. that's what we did with Hiccup when he was first "born". fictives are so much more emotional, so much more personal than most other headpeople in here, because i almost never get to see them born into lucidity, watch them manifest the way I did with Hiccup and now this one, too. but at least now I know what to expect a little bit, and i can help him out a little. today we listened to a lot of electronic and synthpop type music and Hiro stirred a lot at that stuff. seems like his kind of deal. i can already tell he'll be involved with the City. and that's okay. as long as i don't lose him there.
Hiccup's doing a lot of helping, too. partially because that's just who he is and partially because he's fascinated by this. by no longer being the odd one out, the weird one without ken, not native. i expect they'll probably be fast friends. almost like brothers. i never imagined i'd meet someone smaller and scrawnier than Hiccup was at 15, but... here we are. :v
so yeah. new head dude happening it seems. i will update with how it goes.
i stayed up waaaay too late last night, but my mind opened up and i scribbled like crazy. like i said, drawing tons of headspace stuff [both mine and Roane's] to send her way eventually. this was after watching Over the Garden Wall with her for a couple hours. that was pretty good. pretty spooky, pretty strong Ghibli influence there which is never a bad thing. i'm glad little kids get to watch spooky shit like this that will stay with them. but anyway the drawing reminded me of what i used to do, which really is what i NEED to do. is just draw. just put pencil to paper and just scribble any and everything that comes to mind. every imagery, whether i think i 'can draw' it or not. it doesn't have to look good. that's where ideas come from and evolve. i gotta put it down even if it's not pretty.
on an outside note: we are looking at a rental house tomorrow. i really really dunno if we can afford it with our budget, the rent alone is on the top of our price range, and then include our other bills, groceries, utilities, gas... i honestly don't know. but i REALLY want this to happen. this is the best lead we've got yet. every apartment that we can afford is taken if in a nice area, or open and in the ghetto/scary parts of town and i'd really rather not hike my anxiety levels any higher than they already are all the time. this little tiny house has two bedrooms and it's super super nice. in downtown but not the bad parts of town. right near the hospital. please please please let this work. ;^; we get to go and check it out for free, with no one even guiding us, we just had to put 99 cents in the account which we'll get back afterward, very cool. please let this work, please let bb find a second job so that we can maybe afford this. this seems like a really great chance for us if we can just swing it. i'm very hopeful and anxious.
alright so i think i'm gonna get dressed and take Hiro to target or something. maybe get him a small anchor if possible. and then go home and watch httyd2 with Hiccup. just spendin time with my weird friends today.
Very quick update for today before I leave for work. Have a[n adorable pink and blue and rainbow unicorn shedding healing tears on my] bandaid on my finger so typing may be a bit awkward and typo-ridden, bear with me. :v
Remember how I said I hoped I wouldn't get stuck working late yesterday? Jinxed the shit out of myself. Was scheduled until 7. Aka full daylight. Aka anytime I am forced to stay awake past full daylight I get very, very cranky >:| And anytime between the hours of 6:30 am and 7 pm, my work is a nightmarish level of chaotic loud confusion, and I was stuck trying to get stuff done in that for an hour or two. Ugh. Really hope they don't throw that shift on me again. Also I have to work eleven hours after leaving work, and working less than 12 hours between two shifts is one more thing that I'm REALLY not into. So again: >:|
But whatever. Will finally have my normal week back after this tumultuous one is done as of tomorrow morning. Two days off, and I need them. Did I mention that someone ordered eighty sandwiches at once last night? I repeat myself: >:|||||||||||||||| Thank god I'm actually scheduled off at the correct time [4 am, currently three hours before sunrise] today so I can get some sleep and wake up at a decent time, and not wake up exhausted and wanting more sleep at 2pm, five hours before I have to leave again, like I did today. Just one of those things that drives me bonkers.
Done a lot of art today. Well, sort of. Mostly coloring on my coloring pages. Finished the legendary beasts and it looks quite good, then colored Dunsparce really quick and dirty just because. Then I drew and colored a little Pidgey with a strawberry in its beak for my friend Esther, who requested it. She has the CUTEST indian ringneck named Pidgey, so. :3
That's all I have time for, I didn't do all that much besides that, mostly because I didn't have TIME. Did I mention that our oven died on Christmas and now they're moving the chest freezer downstairs and putting in a whole new stove and oven dealy in the kitchen? Our old one was really super old from like the 70s, and was built into the wall, so not really easily replaced. 'S cool, although with my back issues lately, bending down to remove stuff from the oven is kinda hard sometimes.
Okay, time to get dressed and head off into the freezing effing cold for eight hours. Did I mention that they broke the thermostat in the back where I take orders, so now it blows AIR CONDITIONING when it's BELOW FREEZING outside and I'm sticking my head out the window constantly?! Are they trying to kill us? Not to mention they don't give us health insurance nor do they pay us enough to get our own... being an adult is really stupid.
Remember how I said I hoped I wouldn't get stuck working late yesterday? Jinxed the shit out of myself. Was scheduled until 7. Aka full daylight. Aka anytime I am forced to stay awake past full daylight I get very, very cranky >:| And anytime between the hours of 6:30 am and 7 pm, my work is a nightmarish level of chaotic loud confusion, and I was stuck trying to get stuff done in that for an hour or two. Ugh. Really hope they don't throw that shift on me again. Also I have to work eleven hours after leaving work, and working less than 12 hours between two shifts is one more thing that I'm REALLY not into. So again: >:|
But whatever. Will finally have my normal week back after this tumultuous one is done as of tomorrow morning. Two days off, and I need them. Did I mention that someone ordered eighty sandwiches at once last night? I repeat myself: >:|||||||||||||||| Thank god I'm actually scheduled off at the correct time [4 am, currently three hours before sunrise] today so I can get some sleep and wake up at a decent time, and not wake up exhausted and wanting more sleep at 2pm, five hours before I have to leave again, like I did today. Just one of those things that drives me bonkers.
Done a lot of art today. Well, sort of. Mostly coloring on my coloring pages. Finished the legendary beasts and it looks quite good, then colored Dunsparce really quick and dirty just because. Then I drew and colored a little Pidgey with a strawberry in its beak for my friend Esther, who requested it. She has the CUTEST indian ringneck named Pidgey, so. :3
That's all I have time for, I didn't do all that much besides that, mostly because I didn't have TIME. Did I mention that our oven died on Christmas and now they're moving the chest freezer downstairs and putting in a whole new stove and oven dealy in the kitchen? Our old one was really super old from like the 70s, and was built into the wall, so not really easily replaced. 'S cool, although with my back issues lately, bending down to remove stuff from the oven is kinda hard sometimes.
Okay, time to get dressed and head off into the freezing effing cold for eight hours. Did I mention that they broke the thermostat in the back where I take orders, so now it blows AIR CONDITIONING when it's BELOW FREEZING outside and I'm sticking my head out the window constantly?! Are they trying to kill us? Not to mention they don't give us health insurance nor do they pay us enough to get our own... being an adult is really stupid.
Spent the last few hours coloring. Got my first completed piece of 2015 done - an image of Malaria, one of my Pearlcatcher dragons from FR. After that, Roane suggested I print out some coloring pages and practice on them, since I expressed discomfort at consistently ruining my good lineart or sketches with shitty coloring skills. That was a really good idea, so I printed out some Pokemon coloring pages, because what else? Got Raikou colored on my legendary beasts page, and when I filled in his eyes with red pencil, black ink and white gel pen, when I added the white shine in his eyes it gave them a life and fierceness that shocked me. Suddenly I looked into a face that seemed to look back into mine, rather than just an image. It's crazy how deeply Pokemon affect me. I need to write an essay sometime on the myriad of seeds it planted into me for my future life as an artist and just in general.
Did a little napping today too, but not nearly as much as yesterday. Maybe an hour or two. Maybe it's helping me get over the lingering ick that's around. The flu is going around my extended family and workplace, I'm making the sign of the cross with my fingers. Helllll no. Immune system boosts plz kthx.
Leaving for work soon, today's hours are weird and late. I really hope that doesn't mean they're sticking me here until after like 6. Since they still haven't put up the schedule I literally won't know what time I'm off until I get there, which I really hate and don't handle very well. Just assuming 6 for now.
Been watching a LP of Black version, because I beat White back in 2011 - four years ago?!? - and haven't played it since. It's very nice so far even though the player likes to narrate all the women's voices in the most ridiculous muppet style falsetto. [It works hilariously well for Bianca though LOL] At one point Arty got really excited about the video and clambered onto the laptop keyboard and began singing to the screen. So cute. I love him. Thinking about him when I'm stressed at work puts me at ease. My bird son.
Bb rented an audiobook history of Russia and so periodically I'll just hear a swell of propagandic music from his laptop over there, lol.
Don't really have time to write any more, gotta go pee and get dressed and leave. Hope and pray that I'm scheduled off at 4, that would be nice although unlikely. :v
Did a little napping today too, but not nearly as much as yesterday. Maybe an hour or two. Maybe it's helping me get over the lingering ick that's around. The flu is going around my extended family and workplace, I'm making the sign of the cross with my fingers. Helllll no. Immune system boosts plz kthx.
Leaving for work soon, today's hours are weird and late. I really hope that doesn't mean they're sticking me here until after like 6. Since they still haven't put up the schedule I literally won't know what time I'm off until I get there, which I really hate and don't handle very well. Just assuming 6 for now.
Been watching a LP of Black version, because I beat White back in 2011 - four years ago?!? - and haven't played it since. It's very nice so far even though the player likes to narrate all the women's voices in the most ridiculous muppet style falsetto. [It works hilariously well for Bianca though LOL] At one point Arty got really excited about the video and clambered onto the laptop keyboard and began singing to the screen. So cute. I love him. Thinking about him when I'm stressed at work puts me at ease. My bird son.
Bb rented an audiobook history of Russia and so periodically I'll just hear a swell of propagandic music from his laptop over there, lol.
Don't really have time to write any more, gotta go pee and get dressed and leave. Hope and pray that I'm scheduled off at 4, that would be nice although unlikely. :v
just been sleeping the whole day, haha. i guess i needed it. it was so, SO hard to wake up this morning, and I just kept napping until bb left. at one point we were on the couch in the living room while he played dark souls, and i just fell out leaning on him, he said i was snoring. LOL. true love <3
arty has been ABSURDLY ANGRY with me for a couple of hours. i dunno what's in his tiny birdy brain. he lunged at me a couple times, which is like top level bird rage. now he's sleeping and preening and stuff, but in a grumpy way. maybe because he's molting. who knows.
this weekend at work was really rough, but now it's over, and tonight at least should be a breeze comparatively. on the other hand, it's about to get cold... reeeally cold. it's been so nice and warm this weekend but now it's remembering what month it is. :c i really hope it won't snow horribly again this year. there's no way in hell i'm risking my life on powdered snow streets or frozen ice slicks again to get to work like i did last year, i'm sorry.
bb made the tastiest macaroni [well, shells] and cheese today. he used pepperjack cheese, so it was a little bit spicy, but not overwhelming at all. yuuuummy. ^w^ i wish there was more but we already ate it all.
i'm working on this art of Malaria, one of my flight rising dragons. but like... i'm so hung up on the last big bit of coloring, her main body and wings. the biggest and most complex part. her body [primary Midnight] is such a fickle sort of indigo-black and i have NO idea how to accurately present that in colored pencil media. and i don't wanna make it look terrible. i have a lot to learn when it comes to coloring. but there's only one way to learn.
oh also, i made Jesus in my tomodachi life game and he's great. but then today he said "i was born to rule this world" and then threw a decorative angel at me. o_o jesus. stop that. stop being self aware
[did i mention that i adore tomodachi life??? holy shit. pretty sure i play it even more than animal crossing these days.]
my mouth situation is still dubious, but otherwise i think my physical health is improving from its downturn last month. the stitch in my back seeeeems to maybe be calming down, i still have no idea what that's about but it bothers me less as time goes on. although my sciatic nerve problem is coming back. and i haven't lost my voice again since i got it back the second time, though late at night i feel like there's a weight/fluid on my chest and i deep-cough a little. also ~my time~ showed up, only three or four days late rather than ten like last month. but with absolutely no warning. usually i get a clear indication or two that it's on the way. WTF. my whole body is thrown out of wack rn.
arty has been ABSURDLY ANGRY with me for a couple of hours. i dunno what's in his tiny birdy brain. he lunged at me a couple times, which is like top level bird rage. now he's sleeping and preening and stuff, but in a grumpy way. maybe because he's molting. who knows.
this weekend at work was really rough, but now it's over, and tonight at least should be a breeze comparatively. on the other hand, it's about to get cold... reeeally cold. it's been so nice and warm this weekend but now it's remembering what month it is. :c i really hope it won't snow horribly again this year. there's no way in hell i'm risking my life on powdered snow streets or frozen ice slicks again to get to work like i did last year, i'm sorry.
bb made the tastiest macaroni [well, shells] and cheese today. he used pepperjack cheese, so it was a little bit spicy, but not overwhelming at all. yuuuummy. ^w^ i wish there was more but we already ate it all.
i'm working on this art of Malaria, one of my flight rising dragons. but like... i'm so hung up on the last big bit of coloring, her main body and wings. the biggest and most complex part. her body [primary Midnight] is such a fickle sort of indigo-black and i have NO idea how to accurately present that in colored pencil media. and i don't wanna make it look terrible. i have a lot to learn when it comes to coloring. but there's only one way to learn.
oh also, i made Jesus in my tomodachi life game and he's great. but then today he said "i was born to rule this world" and then threw a decorative angel at me. o_o jesus. stop that. stop being self aware
[did i mention that i adore tomodachi life??? holy shit. pretty sure i play it even more than animal crossing these days.]
my mouth situation is still dubious, but otherwise i think my physical health is improving from its downturn last month. the stitch in my back seeeeems to maybe be calming down, i still have no idea what that's about but it bothers me less as time goes on. although my sciatic nerve problem is coming back. and i haven't lost my voice again since i got it back the second time, though late at night i feel like there's a weight/fluid on my chest and i deep-cough a little. also ~my time~ showed up, only three or four days late rather than ten like last month. but with absolutely no warning. usually i get a clear indication or two that it's on the way. WTF. my whole body is thrown out of wack rn.
Work did a serious number on me last night and I'm not over it. Going back in 2.5 hours for an even longer shift with the same incompetent people as last night. I felt confident last night at the beginning and went out of my way to get things done ahead of time to make things easier on myself. But no. I got flattened regardless. Because no one working this weekend understands when and how to give people breaks which leaves me stuck without a break until almost the end of my shift, light headed and dehydrated and on the verge of a panic attack or passing out the entire time. And now I'm a nail biting leg jiggling ball of anxiety knowing I have to go right back and do it all over again. Genuinely felt like walking out last night. I don't get paid enough for the suffering I go through there some nights.
Also realized that my bottom left wisdom tooth seems to be erupting in a bad way, as in surgery is probably unavoidable. It's creating a flap or pocket of skin partially covering it, just begging to get some food stuck in it and get infected. I've been doing my best to clean it out, but I realized it last night on top of the other mountain of stress I was dealing with and truly almost had a panic attack. I'm really scared of having them out. I saw my sister have hers out and she was in absolute hell for a week or so. Not to mention I can't afford the chunk out of my savings that missing a week or more of work would cause, not to even mention the bills since I have no insurance. Life is... hard. -_-
My favorite manager had a bowling thing going on today and I was supposed to come, but I just had absolutely no spoons to do so. I feel bad, though I know she won't hold it against me. If only she had set it up on a different day. I don't know how I'll survive tonight even without the added stress that would have caused.
Just drinking coffee and trying to relax and somehow un-frazzle myself. Why does day 1 of 4 have to be the shitty one that knocks me flat and forces me to drag my unwilling carcass back for three[? four???] more days of drudgery AFTER that. This job kills my soul.
Don't know. Want to say other things but all that's bouncing around in my brain is TIREDFEARTIREDANXIETYTIREDBAD. At least I started working on a full art piece? And then immediately after inking realized that I've been doing inking all wrong this entire time and a friend showed me a TOTALLY OBVIOUS much better way... e_e
remember the fifth of november... we have our own reason for remembering, for this too was a day of betrayal and treason for us. one year ago, we had to go into a period of hiding for two months. we had no smart devices then, so our internet access was cut off and we were left trapped for a while. it was, in some ways, rather fun and sharpened our skills. a time of secrecy, a time of lying in wait. but we wouldn't go through it again. never forget what happened a year ago, and why we have not let our guard down since that day.
a moth or something flew into our lamp, it's burning up and the room smells like smoke. :S
some things that have happened in the last couple of days:
- realized that it's going to be very hard, or maybe impossible, to go to the renaissance festival this year. and even if i can manage to go, 90% chance i'll have to get there late and leave early. not going is not an option, i will be heartbroken and furious if i can't make it at all. i doubt i will get a friday/saturday off this month so i can go with bb... so i'll have to manage to find someone who will drive and who is ok with showing up late and leaving early... :/ :/ :/
- today i just sat down and drew. two finished pieces straight in a row. simple ones, first Mandibuzz and then Porygon-Z, but i churned them out so quickly and they look pretty good, particularly Mandibuzz.
- my car needs some maintenance. all i really know is the engine is bumping rhythmically, which says to me it's probably a spark plug. which is fine bc A: i have some laying around and B: bb seems confident he knows how to change them. i guess i'll let him try, maybe tomorrow. also i need to get some oil in it.
- at work the night before last i jammed the SHIT out of my right middle finger, so hard i thought for a few minutes that i might have cracked the bone. basically i was leaned in there and stuck the tip of my finger up into the bottom of a grid in the fry well, to try and get rid of an errant fry that was stuck in there. well, turns out the grid was smaller than expected, and kinda 'trapped' the very tip of my finger a little bit. and i didn't slip my finger back out all the way before i pulled myself back up to go do something else. so what happened was i WRENCHED my fingertip really badly between the two bars. my fingernail took the brunt of the force, and it's still tender and bruised two days later. when i wrenched it really bad i felt/heard a crack, which is why i kinda thought for a second i might have broken it, that combined with the intense pain! but i think it's fine, just sore and bruised. i think the crack was just the tendon/ligament in that joint popping, that's all.
i have only about 15 pages left in the art book i'm currently using. Jewel is in the very beginning of this sketchbook, so i know for a fact i finished this within this year. the earliest date i can see written down is in July, about a quarter of the way through the book. i believe i started it in the spring, so i've gone through a whole sketchbook in roughly six months. that's the first time that's happened in AGES and i want to give myself a THOUSAND PATS ON THE BACK. i'm not kidding, this is a definite sign of improvement, a huge sign that my artistic mojo is coming back, i'm definitely becoming healthier and i need to keep the ball rolling. the last sketchbook took me TWO YEARS to use up, i used to go through 10-12 of these a year. I'M COMING BACK, BABY~
also thinking of tearing out the best pages, they are made so you can do that. and putting them in my portfolio thing that i got at target. because i haven't really used that yet.
i have several hundred dollars in my bank account because i managed to make it to payday only spending half of my check. YAS. i could, technically, go buy my computer RIGHT NOW most likely. @u@ but i will wait. because my next paycheck will be like two days before ORAS comes out aaahhhh!! READY. also because i need to, you know, make it until next check and i might break my bank between the computer and gas/bills and such. xD tryin to get better at saving money. doing my best. i need to have a bunch saved up even after i get my computer bought sdlfkjsdlfkjsldkfj
another thing that happened!!!
so the new pokemon tcg set, Phantom Forces, came out i think yesterday. or within the last few days at least. and while we were out investigating a MTG store that bb and i just discovered, i bought a booster pack of the new set on a whim. not at the card store because [like every card store, sigh] they don't carry pokemon on the shelf. although the guy did offer to order a booster box for me cheap if i went through him. but anyway, after we went there i bought a pack at walmart. i skipped through all the Mega Manectric packs in the front and grabbed the first Mega Gengar in line. because spoopy. wandered through walmart for a while - got approached by some random teenage boys and fled and lost a TON of social spoons all in one go because something about them just scared the piss out of me, even though they weren't REALLY suspicious, they just seemed to want to tell a stupid joke to my boyfriend and me - and finally got back to the car, pretty tired. decided to open the pack right there and -- HOLY SHITBALLS. full art Malamar ex staring me in the face. @___@ in the FIRST PACK i randomly grab at walmart?!?!?! on the first day it was released??? that was like THE card i would have wanted the most out of every ultra rare. because Malamar. Mambooooo <3 holy shit y'all. it's so beautiful.
BUT SRSLY. this on top of my slow gradually growing interest in serious collection of the tcg sets, and maybe even playing the game. i feel good vibes about Phantom Forces. and i decided that, if i can make it happen, Phantom Forces should be the first set that i try to complete, and therefore i should get a booster box! just getting really nice vibes after that amazing first pull. AND just a while before that happened, the guy at that card store offered to sell me a cheap booster box?! feels like ~DESTINY~
but ya. booster boxes usually run about a hundred bucks. but if the guy is willing to do like 20% off i'll TAKE that. heck yeah.
so as far as pkmntcg goes, my plan kinda goes like this: buy computer [and AS], have ~100 to blow afterward, order Phantom Forces box from this game store, that way i can film myself opening it and post it to youtube! posting it to youtube now would be a pain in the butt and i could do much better with a brand new computer to operate from. so. it will wait until then for many reasons. i'm not really planning on becoming a tcg youtuber or whatever. but why not add to the videos i've been watching so many of lately?? :D
i've gotten like HELLA DEEPLY into pokemon this year. like. wow. pokemon nonstop at every turn. i've been into it always, of course, but it seems like since X and Y came out last fall, and since January when i finally played it myself, it's become like POKEMON OBSESSION 2.0 for me. but this time as an adult with an income of sorts. @u@ i am totally ok with this.
AND THEN NINTENDO DROPS A FUCKING BOMB UPON MY FACE BECAUSE F HKASDJADSFLJKASDLJF FUCKING MAJORA'S MASK 3DS. FINALLY. FINALLY IT'S HAPPENING. OH M YGOD. I hate almost lost hope, always thought it had a strong chance but was never quite sure... THEN IT HAPPENS. Holy fucking shit.
no. y'all don't understand. no one will understand the effect this game had upon me. i loved OoT, played the hell out of it, but THIS GAME. This game. oh my lord. i'm going to watch the trailer again because i recognized EVERY location shown in the reworked footage. it's clearly pretty early on in development, they had a mix of old footage/audio in with the new because i guess they simply didn't have enough all new material. but like... random stuff like a corner of the astronomy tower, i immediately recognized it. the roof of the farm house, immediately knew where it was. a random room in the maze in the southern swamp, recognized it. yes. yeeesss. MAJORA'S MASK IS FINALLY HAPPENIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGGG i cannot believe it
does this mean i should work on finishing OoT3D? I've never finished OoT, believe it or not. i've actually never even finished majora's mask. i got to the second battle with Majora and ran out of arrows and health, and ran out of energy and never tried again. should i play through it over the winter? or would it be better to not play it at all and let the anticipation build?
man. by spring, i'll probably be out of the house. i HAVE to have that $50ish put away for majora's mask. i'd really like to spring for some kind of bundle pack, because on christmas 2000 i got a bundle pack with the original majora's mask, so it'd be fun to repeat that... it's a shame they 99% likely won't make a special colored cartridge for the remake. i got the special gold n64 cartridge with the lentricular "3D" design on it, looking at it right now. [to be fair, most people did, i've rarely seen a regular looking majora's mask cartridge that wasn't gold and 3D, but it was special to me]. i wish they would start making colorful game cartridges like they did with pokemon on GBC.
oh man, if it's coming out in May... BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT. B E S T. if i know Nintendo it'll be more like March though. BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR... my boyfriend who's never played it? nah LOL.
with this announcement i kinda get the feeling that there may be a new handheld console in the works/that the 3DS's lifespan is coming to a close. mostly because i distinctly remember that OoT was one of the earliest releases in the n64's lifespan, and MM was one of the latest... and OoT3D was very early in the 3DS's lifespan, so now several years later they're announcing MM3D? really not sure that's a coincidence!
ugh the mother's in the kitchen right now and i'm so excited and i want to just jump out into the kitchen and tell her that Majora's Mask, a game she played the hell out of too, a game she admitted to buying half for me and half for herself in the first place back in 2000, our cartridge which still carries her game data on it 14 years later, is being remade. i want to share that happiness with her! but guess what? it will only dampen my happiness, because i know she'll just say "oh. cool." and won't care. at least i know now before i even bother to try? :/
a moth or something flew into our lamp, it's burning up and the room smells like smoke. :S
some things that have happened in the last couple of days:
- realized that it's going to be very hard, or maybe impossible, to go to the renaissance festival this year. and even if i can manage to go, 90% chance i'll have to get there late and leave early. not going is not an option, i will be heartbroken and furious if i can't make it at all. i doubt i will get a friday/saturday off this month so i can go with bb... so i'll have to manage to find someone who will drive and who is ok with showing up late and leaving early... :/ :/ :/
- today i just sat down and drew. two finished pieces straight in a row. simple ones, first Mandibuzz and then Porygon-Z, but i churned them out so quickly and they look pretty good, particularly Mandibuzz.
- my car needs some maintenance. all i really know is the engine is bumping rhythmically, which says to me it's probably a spark plug. which is fine bc A: i have some laying around and B: bb seems confident he knows how to change them. i guess i'll let him try, maybe tomorrow. also i need to get some oil in it.
- at work the night before last i jammed the SHIT out of my right middle finger, so hard i thought for a few minutes that i might have cracked the bone. basically i was leaned in there and stuck the tip of my finger up into the bottom of a grid in the fry well, to try and get rid of an errant fry that was stuck in there. well, turns out the grid was smaller than expected, and kinda 'trapped' the very tip of my finger a little bit. and i didn't slip my finger back out all the way before i pulled myself back up to go do something else. so what happened was i WRENCHED my fingertip really badly between the two bars. my fingernail took the brunt of the force, and it's still tender and bruised two days later. when i wrenched it really bad i felt/heard a crack, which is why i kinda thought for a second i might have broken it, that combined with the intense pain! but i think it's fine, just sore and bruised. i think the crack was just the tendon/ligament in that joint popping, that's all.
i have only about 15 pages left in the art book i'm currently using. Jewel is in the very beginning of this sketchbook, so i know for a fact i finished this within this year. the earliest date i can see written down is in July, about a quarter of the way through the book. i believe i started it in the spring, so i've gone through a whole sketchbook in roughly six months. that's the first time that's happened in AGES and i want to give myself a THOUSAND PATS ON THE BACK. i'm not kidding, this is a definite sign of improvement, a huge sign that my artistic mojo is coming back, i'm definitely becoming healthier and i need to keep the ball rolling. the last sketchbook took me TWO YEARS to use up, i used to go through 10-12 of these a year. I'M COMING BACK, BABY~
also thinking of tearing out the best pages, they are made so you can do that. and putting them in my portfolio thing that i got at target. because i haven't really used that yet.
i have several hundred dollars in my bank account because i managed to make it to payday only spending half of my check. YAS. i could, technically, go buy my computer RIGHT NOW most likely. @u@ but i will wait. because my next paycheck will be like two days before ORAS comes out aaahhhh!! READY. also because i need to, you know, make it until next check and i might break my bank between the computer and gas/bills and such. xD tryin to get better at saving money. doing my best. i need to have a bunch saved up even after i get my computer bought sdlfkjsdlfkjsldkfj
another thing that happened!!!
so the new pokemon tcg set, Phantom Forces, came out i think yesterday. or within the last few days at least. and while we were out investigating a MTG store that bb and i just discovered, i bought a booster pack of the new set on a whim. not at the card store because [like every card store, sigh] they don't carry pokemon on the shelf. although the guy did offer to order a booster box for me cheap if i went through him. but anyway, after we went there i bought a pack at walmart. i skipped through all the Mega Manectric packs in the front and grabbed the first Mega Gengar in line. because spoopy. wandered through walmart for a while - got approached by some random teenage boys and fled and lost a TON of social spoons all in one go because something about them just scared the piss out of me, even though they weren't REALLY suspicious, they just seemed to want to tell a stupid joke to my boyfriend and me - and finally got back to the car, pretty tired. decided to open the pack right there and -- HOLY SHITBALLS. full art Malamar ex staring me in the face. @___@ in the FIRST PACK i randomly grab at walmart?!?!?! on the first day it was released??? that was like THE card i would have wanted the most out of every ultra rare. because Malamar. Mambooooo <3 holy shit y'all. it's so beautiful.
BUT SRSLY. this on top of my slow gradually growing interest in serious collection of the tcg sets, and maybe even playing the game. i feel good vibes about Phantom Forces. and i decided that, if i can make it happen, Phantom Forces should be the first set that i try to complete, and therefore i should get a booster box! just getting really nice vibes after that amazing first pull. AND just a while before that happened, the guy at that card store offered to sell me a cheap booster box?! feels like ~DESTINY~
but ya. booster boxes usually run about a hundred bucks. but if the guy is willing to do like 20% off i'll TAKE that. heck yeah.
so as far as pkmntcg goes, my plan kinda goes like this: buy computer [and AS], have ~100 to blow afterward, order Phantom Forces box from this game store, that way i can film myself opening it and post it to youtube! posting it to youtube now would be a pain in the butt and i could do much better with a brand new computer to operate from. so. it will wait until then for many reasons. i'm not really planning on becoming a tcg youtuber or whatever. but why not add to the videos i've been watching so many of lately?? :D
i've gotten like HELLA DEEPLY into pokemon this year. like. wow. pokemon nonstop at every turn. i've been into it always, of course, but it seems like since X and Y came out last fall, and since January when i finally played it myself, it's become like POKEMON OBSESSION 2.0 for me. but this time as an adult with an income of sorts. @u@ i am totally ok with this.
AND THEN NINTENDO DROPS A FUCKING BOMB UPON MY FACE BECAUSE F HKASDJADSFLJKASDLJF FUCKING MAJORA'S MASK 3DS. FINALLY. FINALLY IT'S HAPPENING. OH M YGOD. I hate almost lost hope, always thought it had a strong chance but was never quite sure... THEN IT HAPPENS. Holy fucking shit.
no. y'all don't understand. no one will understand the effect this game had upon me. i loved OoT, played the hell out of it, but THIS GAME. This game. oh my lord. i'm going to watch the trailer again because i recognized EVERY location shown in the reworked footage. it's clearly pretty early on in development, they had a mix of old footage/audio in with the new because i guess they simply didn't have enough all new material. but like... random stuff like a corner of the astronomy tower, i immediately recognized it. the roof of the farm house, immediately knew where it was. a random room in the maze in the southern swamp, recognized it. yes. yeeesss. MAJORA'S MASK IS FINALLY HAPPENIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGGG i cannot believe it
does this mean i should work on finishing OoT3D? I've never finished OoT, believe it or not. i've actually never even finished majora's mask. i got to the second battle with Majora and ran out of arrows and health, and ran out of energy and never tried again. should i play through it over the winter? or would it be better to not play it at all and let the anticipation build?
man. by spring, i'll probably be out of the house. i HAVE to have that $50ish put away for majora's mask. i'd really like to spring for some kind of bundle pack, because on christmas 2000 i got a bundle pack with the original majora's mask, so it'd be fun to repeat that... it's a shame they 99% likely won't make a special colored cartridge for the remake. i got the special gold n64 cartridge with the lentricular "3D" design on it, looking at it right now. [to be fair, most people did, i've rarely seen a regular looking majora's mask cartridge that wasn't gold and 3D, but it was special to me]. i wish they would start making colorful game cartridges like they did with pokemon on GBC.
oh man, if it's coming out in May... BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT. B E S T. if i know Nintendo it'll be more like March though. BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR... my boyfriend who's never played it? nah LOL.
with this announcement i kinda get the feeling that there may be a new handheld console in the works/that the 3DS's lifespan is coming to a close. mostly because i distinctly remember that OoT was one of the earliest releases in the n64's lifespan, and MM was one of the latest... and OoT3D was very early in the 3DS's lifespan, so now several years later they're announcing MM3D? really not sure that's a coincidence!
ugh the mother's in the kitchen right now and i'm so excited and i want to just jump out into the kitchen and tell her that Majora's Mask, a game she played the hell out of too, a game she admitted to buying half for me and half for herself in the first place back in 2000, our cartridge which still carries her game data on it 14 years later, is being remade. i want to share that happiness with her! but guess what? it will only dampen my happiness, because i know she'll just say "oh. cool." and won't care. at least i know now before i even bother to try? :/
well, today's the day of the contest, but i guess i'm not going. :[ however i still need to get my ass out the house, so i'm gathering up my art supplies and finding somewhere to draw. update later.
----
finally safe to be home again. i snuck my art supplies out around 1pm and fled to the library, where i... drew very little, but wrote some ideas down and read lots of animal books. i think i got some good ideas for the fanmade pokemon region that's been niggling at my brain for a couple of years. i didn't do enough reading, i wish i could have checked those books out but i owe too much money and bb didn't give me a copy of his library card.
but i took a chance, returned home at 5 and all was quiet. mostly. so i scavenged. i can't believe they didn't even have a cake. some birthday party. on my plate i have a few packets of starburst], some cheetos, those sugary autumn cookies, some mini brownie things with ghost sprinkles, and a cupcake. and some green punch in a spoopy cup with a spoopy straw. aw yeah. i love a good halloween party. and by that i mean i love missing the entire party and showing up later when everyone is gone to snarf up what's left over. i'm a vulture.
and apparently for the second time in as many weeks, someone let Murphy get out the door. i don't understand, he's never seemed like he wanted to escape anytime i've opened the door with him around, but somehow when i'm not here this keeps happening and it needs to quit. i'm pretty sure he will just show up sometime tonight like he did last time, especially once the sun goes down and it gets cold.... but. this needs to stop. really really soon. :/
just went out to search for him and found nothing, i know if he heard my voice he'd run right to me no matter what he was doing. so either he's not outside, or he's gone really far away, which i think is unlikely. hopefully he's in the house. either way i have hope that when the sun does down and it gets dark out, he'll come and ask to be let in again. /sigh
oh, i also got some little boxes of stickers, and PENCILS. yeeesss. spoopy pencils. and some SPARKLY PURPLE PENCILS. i'm regaining my love for traditional sharpening pencils, although mechanical pencils are just... better in almost every way, tbh. for a couple of years i insisted on using only Mirado Black Warrior pencils for my art, before i learned the ways of the mechanical pencil.
just gonna stay chipper because i can't go to work feeling anxious and sad and worried about Murphy. he likes his creature comforts a lot more than he likes adventuring outside, i think, and i halfway suspect he wasn't trying to get out but just followed someone out the door and couldn't get back in, which i think is what happened last time. when it gets dark and cold he'll go to the porch where he spent his early kittenhood and wait for the door to open.
they found Murphy, thank goodness. he was in fact outside. /sigh. i'm just glad he's asking to be let back in when he gets bored instead of wandering far. but now i think everyone sees him as a door dasher and will take measures to keep him from getting out now.
i've got an hour before work so HERE IS A LIST. because i love lists.
a list of things [mostly animals] that i want to incorporate into my pokemon region:
- starter theme: one bipedal, one quadrupedal and one with no feet [flippers, snake body, whatever]
- prehistoric mammals as the fossil pokemon? maybe more than usual [like 5-6 instead of 2 or 4?]
- either base it in ancient north america or [modern] australia/oceania
- i want to make a shark like pokemon that focuses on shark skin. because i learned today that shark scales are actually... almost indistinguishable from teeth. each scale has a core with a meaty pulp and nerve ending, just like a tooth, and sharks' teeth are basically just huge versions of their "dermal dentile" scales. ?!?!?! WTF
- cape legless skink, a 'false snake' or 'glass lizard' with an armored nose for shoveling and burrowing
- tapirs. none of that silly drowzee or munna shit. TAPIRS. spotty baby tapir that becomes big beast tapir.
- indricotherium??? thylacoleo???
- dirktooth cat. smaller and older than Smilodon, smaller teeth.
- rhinos. is there even a rhino pokemon yet? that's ridiculous. we need rhinos.
- regional bird could be either a parrot/cockatoo, or a cedar waxwing. yeh
- hell i could probably make two separate regions out of these, one australia region and one semi-prehistoric north america region.
- prehistoric whales. like Basilosaurus, Protocetus etc.
so on an outer life note... this week i just didn't show up at my volunteer job. mostly because from the experiences i had last Wednesday i was pretty sure there wasn't going to be anything left for me to come back to this week, but also i had been feeling like stopping it for some time and this was i guess an opportunity for a clean break. no one has called me, so i assume i was right in understanding that the cats and their holding area are gone. i'll find out the next time i have to go get crickets/mealworms.
gonna play animal crossing before i forget, i didn't play yesterday. i got one more gengar from gamestop! tomorrow's the last day, after that they're doing Diancie. i want one more Gengar, buuuut i guess i don't have to have one if i don't wanna bother to drive all the way to Matthews for it. i expect the Gengar codes will still work after the 26th, but i'll redeem them tomorrow just in case.
shit. looking over last week's entries and i just remembered Toy Soldier making those meaningful clockwork clicks and noises at me... damn. what with the awful news i got last night of the changing of the guard at work [which will be by NO means in my favor], that seems rather... timely. wonder if somehow he knew.
----
finally safe to be home again. i snuck my art supplies out around 1pm and fled to the library, where i... drew very little, but wrote some ideas down and read lots of animal books. i think i got some good ideas for the fanmade pokemon region that's been niggling at my brain for a couple of years. i didn't do enough reading, i wish i could have checked those books out but i owe too much money and bb didn't give me a copy of his library card.
but i took a chance, returned home at 5 and all was quiet. mostly. so i scavenged. i can't believe they didn't even have a cake. some birthday party. on my plate i have a few packets of starburst], some cheetos, those sugary autumn cookies, some mini brownie things with ghost sprinkles, and a cupcake. and some green punch in a spoopy cup with a spoopy straw. aw yeah. i love a good halloween party. and by that i mean i love missing the entire party and showing up later when everyone is gone to snarf up what's left over. i'm a vulture.
and apparently for the second time in as many weeks, someone let Murphy get out the door. i don't understand, he's never seemed like he wanted to escape anytime i've opened the door with him around, but somehow when i'm not here this keeps happening and it needs to quit. i'm pretty sure he will just show up sometime tonight like he did last time, especially once the sun goes down and it gets cold.... but. this needs to stop. really really soon. :/
just went out to search for him and found nothing, i know if he heard my voice he'd run right to me no matter what he was doing. so either he's not outside, or he's gone really far away, which i think is unlikely. hopefully he's in the house. either way i have hope that when the sun does down and it gets dark out, he'll come and ask to be let in again. /sigh
oh, i also got some little boxes of stickers, and PENCILS. yeeesss. spoopy pencils. and some SPARKLY PURPLE PENCILS. i'm regaining my love for traditional sharpening pencils, although mechanical pencils are just... better in almost every way, tbh. for a couple of years i insisted on using only Mirado Black Warrior pencils for my art, before i learned the ways of the mechanical pencil.
just gonna stay chipper because i can't go to work feeling anxious and sad and worried about Murphy. he likes his creature comforts a lot more than he likes adventuring outside, i think, and i halfway suspect he wasn't trying to get out but just followed someone out the door and couldn't get back in, which i think is what happened last time. when it gets dark and cold he'll go to the porch where he spent his early kittenhood and wait for the door to open.
they found Murphy, thank goodness. he was in fact outside. /sigh. i'm just glad he's asking to be let back in when he gets bored instead of wandering far. but now i think everyone sees him as a door dasher and will take measures to keep him from getting out now.
i've got an hour before work so HERE IS A LIST. because i love lists.
a list of things [mostly animals] that i want to incorporate into my pokemon region:
- starter theme: one bipedal, one quadrupedal and one with no feet [flippers, snake body, whatever]
- prehistoric mammals as the fossil pokemon? maybe more than usual [like 5-6 instead of 2 or 4?]
- either base it in ancient north america or [modern] australia/oceania
- i want to make a shark like pokemon that focuses on shark skin. because i learned today that shark scales are actually... almost indistinguishable from teeth. each scale has a core with a meaty pulp and nerve ending, just like a tooth, and sharks' teeth are basically just huge versions of their "dermal dentile" scales. ?!?!?! WTF
- cape legless skink, a 'false snake' or 'glass lizard' with an armored nose for shoveling and burrowing
- tapirs. none of that silly drowzee or munna shit. TAPIRS. spotty baby tapir that becomes big beast tapir.
- indricotherium??? thylacoleo???
- dirktooth cat. smaller and older than Smilodon, smaller teeth.
- rhinos. is there even a rhino pokemon yet? that's ridiculous. we need rhinos.
- regional bird could be either a parrot/cockatoo, or a cedar waxwing. yeh
- hell i could probably make two separate regions out of these, one australia region and one semi-prehistoric north america region.
- prehistoric whales. like Basilosaurus, Protocetus etc.
so on an outer life note... this week i just didn't show up at my volunteer job. mostly because from the experiences i had last Wednesday i was pretty sure there wasn't going to be anything left for me to come back to this week, but also i had been feeling like stopping it for some time and this was i guess an opportunity for a clean break. no one has called me, so i assume i was right in understanding that the cats and their holding area are gone. i'll find out the next time i have to go get crickets/mealworms.
gonna play animal crossing before i forget, i didn't play yesterday. i got one more gengar from gamestop! tomorrow's the last day, after that they're doing Diancie. i want one more Gengar, buuuut i guess i don't have to have one if i don't wanna bother to drive all the way to Matthews for it. i expect the Gengar codes will still work after the 26th, but i'll redeem them tomorrow just in case.
shit. looking over last week's entries and i just remembered Toy Soldier making those meaningful clockwork clicks and noises at me... damn. what with the awful news i got last night of the changing of the guard at work [which will be by NO means in my favor], that seems rather... timely. wonder if somehow he knew.
autumn has kicked in inside me. two days of barely topping 60, with constant overcast grey drizzle and rain and i've gone out and squirreled away hot heavy meals [banquet instant meals, potatoes both instant and non, mac and cheese] and fresh produce as well as silly autumnal treats [pumpkin spice coffee, halloween oreos, fall party cakes, count chocula, canned pumpkin for bb to make more pumpkin rolls]... yesss. i have brewed the first of the pumpkin spice coffee [with bailey's creamer that i bought because god i hate the vanilla coffeemate shit that my mom always buys]. and now i am ready.
things? things. i haven't updated as much this week so far. which isn't good, i need to keep up.
thing 1:
my work schedule is interfering with my volunteering job and making it harder to keep working there... not good. i'm working on changing what days or times i work. might make it so i don't work wednesday, maybe only monday? or monday and tuesday? i haven't been regularly going, both days, for like three weeks in a row now >:/ not how i want to be. first there was labor day, then work problems, now work problems again. no bueno.
thing 2:
bb is leaving for work again shortly. his first day of work was pretty good, he said. pretty easy. i hope it stays that way. i hate that he won't be here when i leave tonight, though. weh. but when i get home he will be in the nest, so. :3
thing 3:
oh god i took a sip of that pumpkin spice coffee and -wwww- yaaaasss. coffee heaven. autumn heaven. i love this time of year. when it quits pissing down so much rain, i need to start taking more walks. the chill is delicious. the warmth of summer sure is comfy, but i sure enjoy the chill of autumn.
thing 4:
when did i start saying yass what is wrong with me
thing 5:
another side effect of Autumn Mode On!: i inaugurated the space heater. the one that lives under my desk, near my feet, where the warm air gets trapped by the "kotatsu" i made in my desk this time last year and which i have not moved since. [spoiler: i just stick a fleece blanket on my keyboard tray and hang it down on the front and back to hold in warm air. not rly a kotatsu, but still comfy.] turning on the space heater is a pretty significant event. yesterday was the equinox. the Dark Year is here.
thing 6:
bb is watching zero punctuation [a series that i introduced him to years ago and which he's kept up with long after i have stopped], and yahtzee just said:
"there once was a game called Destiny,
looked more like a graphical test to me
it's brown, there's a gun
and it seems as much fun
as requiring a double mastectomy"
i laughed my ass off. thank you yahtzee. thank you for making this trans boy pee his pants not even knowing anything about this Destiny game. and you are indeed correct, being in need of a mastectomy is not fun in the slightest.
thing 7:
last night i clicked on this series of documentaries on netflix called Wildest Islands, because when we visited bb's mom's house the other day she had it on and it looked cool. i do love a good documentary. but then i watch it, and... that voice... there's no way. nooo way. but i look it up and SURE ENOUGH it's Paul McGann. my favorite doctor of all time. yessss. so i am in heaven just listening to him narrate things [apart from being my favorite doctor his voice is INCREDIBLE] and pretending the Doctor is teaching me about monkeys in Sri Lanka. on that note, i have NO idea how i didn't notice it was his voice when we went over there. i guess i was just distracted.
oh my goodness everything feels super comfy and i am so at home in autumn, it's not even funny. i have to go to work in like 3-4 hours and yet i'm totally relaxed. i'm not counting it down at all. and bb is leaving in like 30 minutes to an hour or so. [hard to know when he'll want to leave bc his work is like 5 minutes drive with no traffic, lmao lucky bastard] but i'm totally chill. i don't even care. i'm not even worried about whether my volunteer job understood that i'm not coming in today. i'm not being paid for it. and it doesn't look so likely that i'll even get hired there in the pet care department, if anywhere, sooo whatever.
i am kinda sorta? pursuing a job in the grooming department there?? but i'm not... trying very hard. >_>
... oookay, spotify decided to bork itself only a couple songs into my album. alrighty then.
seriously that's just been my life lately. sit here at the laptop [been ages since i've regularly done that!], start an album on spotify, write things, possibly go through photo albums or other people's art, and do some art of my own while the songs go through one by one. and i don't feel unproductive!!! wow!!! amaze!!! i don't feel guilty for doing anything. i feel like i am where i need to be, for once.
there is one thing though. the FAFSA. i'm still putting it off. but i am currently aiming for the end of the month, which is in a few more days. yep. hopefully i can manage that. it's still early yet, but i want to challenge myself to get it done.
think i will play some gamecube animal crossing because it's been.... a while. >_>
-later-
well i was quite grumpy for a bit, but i'm chilling out now, i think. after playing a few rounds of smash with bb and getting MURDERED in various cheap ways, getting fed up and playing ACNL for a while, i got a text from my volunteer job boss asking me to do something tonight. i guess she didn't understand that i wasn't coming in, so i made it more clear and spent half an hour or so feeling incredibly guilty and ugh. it didn't help that she just responded with "oh" and then nothing else even when i replied. kinda unprofessional but guess what? i'm really talented at making myself feel guilty. like, super american idol talent. i've relaxed a bit though. it doesn't matter. just a little volunteer job, not nearly as serious as calling out of work. my paid job takes priority, unfortunately. and when the two conflict, guess which one i have to choose?
egh, i let myself get stressed out. well, currently i'm working on boiling some water with a dollop of butter in it, and got the potato flakes and milk sitting out. been making this particular comfort food for about a decade now, since i was a teenager sitting in front of my tiny tv watching COPS and doodling in my sketchbook. now i'm a 20something sitting in front of my laptop [and my giant tv, which who knows, maybe i'll turn it on just for the lulz] and not doodling in my sketchbook, but writing and listening to music. yeh.
bb didn't text me when he got to work. i don't like that, i hope he will remember next time. i haven't heard a beep in here, so i'm pretty sure he didn't leave his phone behind. i need to know that he's safe, that intersection is nasty especially in rush hour.
so this is probably just paranoia talking? or a history of bad experience? but i kinda wish bb hadn't got the job that stepdad led him onto. because now i feel like stepdad will use that against us later if we piss him off somehow???? honestly he doesn't seem like that kinda guy, but my past has kinda made me expect ALL "paternal" figures in my life or anyone's to behave this way. so i kinda expect him to feel that because he "got" him the job [he didn't at all, he just tipped us off to it, which is great but not the same in any way as getting him the job] that means... he's entitled to something from us? more respect, more... i don't know what my brain expects. if it was my dad, then i feel pretty sure that if my dad tipped me off to a job that i ended up getting, he would later demand that i do what he wants because "he's the reason i'm employed" for example. basically i'd be his bitch and in his debt because he "got me a job". so if we got in a fight he would demand i listen to him because, by his logic, without his help i would still be jobless. which wouldn't be true at all. but, thanks to my father, i see a projection of his irrational drunken self superimposed on every older male i meet, especially one with any amount of authority over me. i expect them all to behave and think like him at his worst.
also idk if i mentioned but i completed a HUGE piece of art last night. well, huge for me. it's only like 5 by 8 but THE ENTIRE PAGE is colored in. ALL OF IT. the whole background, the whole foreground, every inch of the paper is colored. that's massive and crazy for me. and i'm really proud of it. it's a picture of Tori, and i'm pretty sure the first colored image of her ever, and she's been around for over two years now. i'll babble about her for a minute:
Tori is short for Notorious, which is a name she took upon transitioning. i don't know what her birth name was. she is an mtf transgender mouflon sheep. so, she is a female sheep, but she has big ram horns. she is ok with this, she likes them. she has bright pink wool, which i'm pretty sure is partially if not entirely dyed? not sure what color it is originally. but i think her skin is black, however when i drew her recently i couldn't find any bare patches of skin to color in, it was all pink even her face. so i'm not sure what to think of that yet.
as personality goes she is very... in your face. very punk in a way, but in a feminine way. rather aggressive and bold and dominant.
yeh. ya know. stuff. and things.
another thing:
i've realized that expressing outright what my art plans are for the immediate future pretty well extinguishes the ability to do those things. so now i always stop myself when i start saying "maybe i'll write some about..." or "i think i'll draw..." because no. no. it chokes the creativity, for some reason. art has to be spontaneous. because all too often i say "ok i'm gonna draw this!" and sit down and... nope. just the act of saying i'm going to do it somehow snuffed it out. just like the act of writing this journal, it just has to come into being and be done in the same moment, the same swooping action. i didn't try to start a journal this time, it just happened because it needed to happen. now it's my job to keep it rolling.
maybe i'll post this stuff online later? livejournal's convenient in that i can edit the timestamp to be accurate to the date i posted it, so if anyone gets interested in my stuff the way i am in other people's, they can go back and look at the archive? i dunno. i think i will close this up and open a fresh one, try to do some headspace stuff before i have to leave. ugh i can't believe i have to go to work at 7 freaking o clock! whyyy. why so early. >_
things? things. i haven't updated as much this week so far. which isn't good, i need to keep up.
thing 1:
my work schedule is interfering with my volunteering job and making it harder to keep working there... not good. i'm working on changing what days or times i work. might make it so i don't work wednesday, maybe only monday? or monday and tuesday? i haven't been regularly going, both days, for like three weeks in a row now >:/ not how i want to be. first there was labor day, then work problems, now work problems again. no bueno.
thing 2:
bb is leaving for work again shortly. his first day of work was pretty good, he said. pretty easy. i hope it stays that way. i hate that he won't be here when i leave tonight, though. weh. but when i get home he will be in the nest, so. :3
thing 3:
oh god i took a sip of that pumpkin spice coffee and -wwww- yaaaasss. coffee heaven. autumn heaven. i love this time of year. when it quits pissing down so much rain, i need to start taking more walks. the chill is delicious. the warmth of summer sure is comfy, but i sure enjoy the chill of autumn.
thing 4:
when did i start saying yass what is wrong with me
thing 5:
another side effect of Autumn Mode On!: i inaugurated the space heater. the one that lives under my desk, near my feet, where the warm air gets trapped by the "kotatsu" i made in my desk this time last year and which i have not moved since. [spoiler: i just stick a fleece blanket on my keyboard tray and hang it down on the front and back to hold in warm air. not rly a kotatsu, but still comfy.] turning on the space heater is a pretty significant event. yesterday was the equinox. the Dark Year is here.
thing 6:
bb is watching zero punctuation [a series that i introduced him to years ago and which he's kept up with long after i have stopped], and yahtzee just said:
"there once was a game called Destiny,
looked more like a graphical test to me
it's brown, there's a gun
and it seems as much fun
as requiring a double mastectomy"
i laughed my ass off. thank you yahtzee. thank you for making this trans boy pee his pants not even knowing anything about this Destiny game. and you are indeed correct, being in need of a mastectomy is not fun in the slightest.
thing 7:
last night i clicked on this series of documentaries on netflix called Wildest Islands, because when we visited bb's mom's house the other day she had it on and it looked cool. i do love a good documentary. but then i watch it, and... that voice... there's no way. nooo way. but i look it up and SURE ENOUGH it's Paul McGann. my favorite doctor of all time. yessss. so i am in heaven just listening to him narrate things [apart from being my favorite doctor his voice is INCREDIBLE] and pretending the Doctor is teaching me about monkeys in Sri Lanka. on that note, i have NO idea how i didn't notice it was his voice when we went over there. i guess i was just distracted.
oh my goodness everything feels super comfy and i am so at home in autumn, it's not even funny. i have to go to work in like 3-4 hours and yet i'm totally relaxed. i'm not counting it down at all. and bb is leaving in like 30 minutes to an hour or so. [hard to know when he'll want to leave bc his work is like 5 minutes drive with no traffic, lmao lucky bastard] but i'm totally chill. i don't even care. i'm not even worried about whether my volunteer job understood that i'm not coming in today. i'm not being paid for it. and it doesn't look so likely that i'll even get hired there in the pet care department, if anywhere, sooo whatever.
i am kinda sorta? pursuing a job in the grooming department there?? but i'm not... trying very hard. >_>
... oookay, spotify decided to bork itself only a couple songs into my album. alrighty then.
seriously that's just been my life lately. sit here at the laptop [been ages since i've regularly done that!], start an album on spotify, write things, possibly go through photo albums or other people's art, and do some art of my own while the songs go through one by one. and i don't feel unproductive!!! wow!!! amaze!!! i don't feel guilty for doing anything. i feel like i am where i need to be, for once.
there is one thing though. the FAFSA. i'm still putting it off. but i am currently aiming for the end of the month, which is in a few more days. yep. hopefully i can manage that. it's still early yet, but i want to challenge myself to get it done.
think i will play some gamecube animal crossing because it's been.... a while. >_>
-later-
well i was quite grumpy for a bit, but i'm chilling out now, i think. after playing a few rounds of smash with bb and getting MURDERED in various cheap ways, getting fed up and playing ACNL for a while, i got a text from my volunteer job boss asking me to do something tonight. i guess she didn't understand that i wasn't coming in, so i made it more clear and spent half an hour or so feeling incredibly guilty and ugh. it didn't help that she just responded with "oh" and then nothing else even when i replied. kinda unprofessional but guess what? i'm really talented at making myself feel guilty. like, super american idol talent. i've relaxed a bit though. it doesn't matter. just a little volunteer job, not nearly as serious as calling out of work. my paid job takes priority, unfortunately. and when the two conflict, guess which one i have to choose?
egh, i let myself get stressed out. well, currently i'm working on boiling some water with a dollop of butter in it, and got the potato flakes and milk sitting out. been making this particular comfort food for about a decade now, since i was a teenager sitting in front of my tiny tv watching COPS and doodling in my sketchbook. now i'm a 20something sitting in front of my laptop [and my giant tv, which who knows, maybe i'll turn it on just for the lulz] and not doodling in my sketchbook, but writing and listening to music. yeh.
bb didn't text me when he got to work. i don't like that, i hope he will remember next time. i haven't heard a beep in here, so i'm pretty sure he didn't leave his phone behind. i need to know that he's safe, that intersection is nasty especially in rush hour.
so this is probably just paranoia talking? or a history of bad experience? but i kinda wish bb hadn't got the job that stepdad led him onto. because now i feel like stepdad will use that against us later if we piss him off somehow???? honestly he doesn't seem like that kinda guy, but my past has kinda made me expect ALL "paternal" figures in my life or anyone's to behave this way. so i kinda expect him to feel that because he "got" him the job [he didn't at all, he just tipped us off to it, which is great but not the same in any way as getting him the job] that means... he's entitled to something from us? more respect, more... i don't know what my brain expects. if it was my dad, then i feel pretty sure that if my dad tipped me off to a job that i ended up getting, he would later demand that i do what he wants because "he's the reason i'm employed" for example. basically i'd be his bitch and in his debt because he "got me a job". so if we got in a fight he would demand i listen to him because, by his logic, without his help i would still be jobless. which wouldn't be true at all. but, thanks to my father, i see a projection of his irrational drunken self superimposed on every older male i meet, especially one with any amount of authority over me. i expect them all to behave and think like him at his worst.
also idk if i mentioned but i completed a HUGE piece of art last night. well, huge for me. it's only like 5 by 8 but THE ENTIRE PAGE is colored in. ALL OF IT. the whole background, the whole foreground, every inch of the paper is colored. that's massive and crazy for me. and i'm really proud of it. it's a picture of Tori, and i'm pretty sure the first colored image of her ever, and she's been around for over two years now. i'll babble about her for a minute:
Tori is short for Notorious, which is a name she took upon transitioning. i don't know what her birth name was. she is an mtf transgender mouflon sheep. so, she is a female sheep, but she has big ram horns. she is ok with this, she likes them. she has bright pink wool, which i'm pretty sure is partially if not entirely dyed? not sure what color it is originally. but i think her skin is black, however when i drew her recently i couldn't find any bare patches of skin to color in, it was all pink even her face. so i'm not sure what to think of that yet.
as personality goes she is very... in your face. very punk in a way, but in a feminine way. rather aggressive and bold and dominant.
yeh. ya know. stuff. and things.
another thing:
i've realized that expressing outright what my art plans are for the immediate future pretty well extinguishes the ability to do those things. so now i always stop myself when i start saying "maybe i'll write some about..." or "i think i'll draw..." because no. no. it chokes the creativity, for some reason. art has to be spontaneous. because all too often i say "ok i'm gonna draw this!" and sit down and... nope. just the act of saying i'm going to do it somehow snuffed it out. just like the act of writing this journal, it just has to come into being and be done in the same moment, the same swooping action. i didn't try to start a journal this time, it just happened because it needed to happen. now it's my job to keep it rolling.
maybe i'll post this stuff online later? livejournal's convenient in that i can edit the timestamp to be accurate to the date i posted it, so if anyone gets interested in my stuff the way i am in other people's, they can go back and look at the archive? i dunno. i think i will close this up and open a fresh one, try to do some headspace stuff before i have to leave. ugh i can't believe i have to go to work at 7 freaking o clock! whyyy. why so early. >_
a thought:
i don't believe in the sentient universe, or a god or being or force out there that's "pushing me in the right direction". i don't believe in things being "meant to be" or "destiny" or "divine purpose". and yet i feel like everything, every law of nature is forcing me towards accepting that art is what i need to do. i should not give up on my work with animals but i feel like the universe, although i don't believe it can teach lessons or give advice, is teaching me a lesson and giving me advice. it's just that... it's the universe within that's doing this, and manifesting to me as the universe without.
a thought:
the beauty of this is that i don't have to try and go over and manipulate my words so that they make sense for others reading this. because even if they read this later this is just for me, by me, to me.
a thought:
i have a universe inside me and sometimes it spills out, and that's ok. in fact that's more than ok. that's desperately needed. it HAS to come out sometimes. and that is art. and that is life.
a thought:
i am very serious about stopping the flow of self-depreciation when i show others my art, or when i talk to myself or anyone about my art. or for that matter anything i do in life. "well it's not very good" "it's very silly" "it's just a sketch" stop. stop that. do not do that. remember when you were asked at work what gift you picked out for your partner and you told them it was a plush pokemon toy and they laughed, not to be mean but just because they thought it was so silly a gift? and you agreed, you said yes, it is very silly? never do that. do not do that. don't be overly serious, don't get offended when people laugh at your life. but don't deflate yourself either. smile at their laughter. know that they could never, never know the universe within and its glories. and remember how much he has treasured that toy in the nine months he's had it. remember how much it means to him even now. that has had a far greater impact than that moment of harsh laughter in reflecting on your life and your intentions.
a thought:
social media: off. youtube and netflix: off. music: on. art: on. writing: on.
however: social media, youtube, netflix, etc are not evil or bad or unhealthy. unhealthy is the misuse of those things. unhealthy is the use of them to block out art. to stop up the flow of blood. those things are bad and must be stopped. like today.
a thought:
speak until there's nothing left to say.
create until nothing is left to create
a thought:
when i refer to the flow of blood i mean art. art is blood. blood is life. without blood you will die. with artists, if you stop the flow of art you will slowly die. from the inside out. i made an extremely valiant attempt at suicide via three to five years of almost no art. slowly strangling myself. the noose was made of self doubt and cruel thoughts and words from my mouth to my ears. like "you can't do art today, because [excuse]" and "that idea is stupid, i will be embarassed if i actually put it down on paper. best to forget it."
but the flow of blood is returning. the grasp around my neck is weakening.
a thought:
do art until you explode. do art until there is nothing left inside you. fill yourself entirely with art.
a thought:
keep it secret. keep it safe. never show anything to anyone unless and until it feels safe to let the secret out. that time may be never. and that's fine.
a thought:
never enter a stop codon unless you are absolutely sure you want to cap off the train of thought. let the nucleotides continue to build until you are completely ready and sure.
a thought:
i am vibrating. i am driving myself into a frenzy. which is good. which is how it ought to be. art is an affliction. art is an ocean. glorious and fine
a thought:
absolutely destroy the thought that you look silly. choke that thought to death. you fill yourself with artistic drive and you become a god of ken and there's NOTHING silly or derpy or frivolous or egotistical about that. you are a creator in the universe within. you ARE a deity. and then you open your 3DS to play animal crossing. and that is life. full of contradictions. there is no contradiction in being a creator ken deity that plays faithfully their cute animal game. none.
i don't believe in the sentient universe, or a god or being or force out there that's "pushing me in the right direction". i don't believe in things being "meant to be" or "destiny" or "divine purpose". and yet i feel like everything, every law of nature is forcing me towards accepting that art is what i need to do. i should not give up on my work with animals but i feel like the universe, although i don't believe it can teach lessons or give advice, is teaching me a lesson and giving me advice. it's just that... it's the universe within that's doing this, and manifesting to me as the universe without.
a thought:
the beauty of this is that i don't have to try and go over and manipulate my words so that they make sense for others reading this. because even if they read this later this is just for me, by me, to me.
a thought:
i have a universe inside me and sometimes it spills out, and that's ok. in fact that's more than ok. that's desperately needed. it HAS to come out sometimes. and that is art. and that is life.
a thought:
i am very serious about stopping the flow of self-depreciation when i show others my art, or when i talk to myself or anyone about my art. or for that matter anything i do in life. "well it's not very good" "it's very silly" "it's just a sketch" stop. stop that. do not do that. remember when you were asked at work what gift you picked out for your partner and you told them it was a plush pokemon toy and they laughed, not to be mean but just because they thought it was so silly a gift? and you agreed, you said yes, it is very silly? never do that. do not do that. don't be overly serious, don't get offended when people laugh at your life. but don't deflate yourself either. smile at their laughter. know that they could never, never know the universe within and its glories. and remember how much he has treasured that toy in the nine months he's had it. remember how much it means to him even now. that has had a far greater impact than that moment of harsh laughter in reflecting on your life and your intentions.
a thought:
social media: off. youtube and netflix: off. music: on. art: on. writing: on.
however: social media, youtube, netflix, etc are not evil or bad or unhealthy. unhealthy is the misuse of those things. unhealthy is the use of them to block out art. to stop up the flow of blood. those things are bad and must be stopped. like today.
a thought:
speak until there's nothing left to say.
create until nothing is left to create
a thought:
when i refer to the flow of blood i mean art. art is blood. blood is life. without blood you will die. with artists, if you stop the flow of art you will slowly die. from the inside out. i made an extremely valiant attempt at suicide via three to five years of almost no art. slowly strangling myself. the noose was made of self doubt and cruel thoughts and words from my mouth to my ears. like "you can't do art today, because [excuse]" and "that idea is stupid, i will be embarassed if i actually put it down on paper. best to forget it."
but the flow of blood is returning. the grasp around my neck is weakening.
a thought:
do art until you explode. do art until there is nothing left inside you. fill yourself entirely with art.
a thought:
keep it secret. keep it safe. never show anything to anyone unless and until it feels safe to let the secret out. that time may be never. and that's fine.
a thought:
never enter a stop codon unless you are absolutely sure you want to cap off the train of thought. let the nucleotides continue to build until you are completely ready and sure.
a thought:
i am vibrating. i am driving myself into a frenzy. which is good. which is how it ought to be. art is an affliction. art is an ocean. glorious and fine
a thought:
absolutely destroy the thought that you look silly. choke that thought to death. you fill yourself with artistic drive and you become a god of ken and there's NOTHING silly or derpy or frivolous or egotistical about that. you are a creator in the universe within. you ARE a deity. and then you open your 3DS to play animal crossing. and that is life. full of contradictions. there is no contradiction in being a creator ken deity that plays faithfully their cute animal game. none.
