thebrokenarrows: (general)
various headspace related things! and... soda flavors for some reason?? lol

- Ruby FINALLY gave me her fucking middle name. it's Meadow. Ruby Meadow [which if you ask me sounds like a poppy reference but lol she swears it's not]. i still don't know her surname but the way she acts makes me suspect it's either catholic or jewish in nature. i can't figure out which side of things she is on! but definitely one of those. the typical New Englander 'my religion is more of a culture than a faith' style catholic/jew.

- Vernon was fronting around the time we drank soooo much soda and were really super addicted. he liked that gamer fuel shit, the blue mountain dew that i think is still around?? and would drink three or four cans a day. [while looking this up just now i discovered that there is a mother fucking mountain dew wiki. holy shit. there truly is a wiki for everything] i'm gonna want to trigger him up sometime and start trying to talk to him. i dunno when. but! when i do, that's probably the way to do it. super sweet disgusting mountain dew lol. code red or the game fuel or whatever. he'd totally be that typical gamer douchebag who eats doritos and plays call of duty and halo and crap online lol. [for the record i fucking HATE doritos so yeah it'd have to be him and not me]

also, as far as WHICH flavor of that shit he drank, it was the first 'game fuel' promo flavor. it came in a Halo 3 can that was kind of blue but the drink itself inside was bright red-orange. i believe this flavor is still in production and it's called citrus cherry. so. for later reference. and we remember those two world of warcraft flavors from the following year too. [we drank a lot of mountain dew in those years ok lol. A LOT.]
he also remembers these three flavors in particular, from summer of 2008.

random weird headmate triggers to note lol

if we WERE going to buy that game fuel stuff tho just so ya know, it's only available online. so. can't find it in stores, no use looking.

actually tbh we in general but ESPECIALLY Vernon looooves soda with citrus flavoring in it. that's always been our preferred soda flavor as a System and it's been proven over and over lol. we flock to drinks like sprite, mello yello, 7 up, sun drop etc. and regular mountain dew of course although that's basically just Sugar Lime Flavor by now lol.
but back in the day there was Vault which is our FAVORITE soda of all time and our bones will never rest in the ground unless that drink makes a comeback someday lol. orange kickstart mt dew [aka Trash Drink thx house of leaves :P] kind of tastes similar! but like, a weird diet version with some of that aspartame fake sugar tasting flavor in it instead. so like diet vault. but it's close enough that we will readily drink that one.

other mountain dew flavors that various Cores lay claim to actually! Apostrophe loves code red lol. such nerds. do u really have ur own mountain dew flavors of choice like rly. she said it was the first alternate flavor she saw and it made her think of a shiny pokemon so she drank it. she likes cherry flavors in general. anything red. upon research code red came out in 2001, so yep that sounds just about right for her timeline.



as a last note: i have no memory of having had this as a kid so i find it hard to justify spending $50 on it, but goddamnit, someone split the cost of some surge with me!!! I gotta know how it tastes :C

060715

Jun. 7th, 2015 08:09 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
BLEH opened this up to talk about Summer or whatever but she wandered off to shower [and forgot a towel :v] and then the thought vanished lol

bb and i went to the coffee shop and it started raining and we almost had nowhere to sit because they were so busy. but we copped a seat and i drew some pokemon tarot stuff, the Seven of Swords is gonna look AMAZING and the Two of Swords is so perfect it makes me wanna cry. having some great ideas there this project just keeps hanging on and being enthralling. idk how much we'll be able to sell these since they're Nintendo IP?? but i don't really care at least at this point. just suddenly, in that same coffee shop, that one day the idea fell into my head and it's stayed there for like a month. and been slowly chipped away at, almost every day.

talks with Cores on and off today. Summer came up as she tends to do during, well, the summer lol. just briefly in a haze of blue stars and sparkle and glitter. and a sighing breeze. that was her essence. she said she was going to get in the bath and pretend she was a mermaid but instead she just got in the shower and then vanished. and instead it was me and Vernon. who noticed how hungry we were and reminded me wordlessly of the egg sandwiches that a girl we dated years ago taught us how to make. [because that was how little we knew how to cook. we were taught nothing lol] simple fried eggs in a pan that take 5 minutes. after which we made like every day for months and months and years. and we got out of the shower and Vernon kinda took the lead, which seems rare for him. and that's how, the day after having a small breakdown about food problems and kitchen anxiety, the immediate next day we jump into the kitchen and cook eggs and chat conversationally with our roomie who is right nearby and listening to us. no awkwardness. no fear. no feeling like we need to hide or be silent. how strange but how nice.

other things:
- art alias for now is Dragon In Coffee Shop, as of yesterday. think i like it. cute imagery. idk what i'll do with it, but.
- in the coffee shop a guy walked in wearing a black shirt with a word on it that i can't remember, and emblazoned with a broken arrow. snapped in half, crossed upon his chest, with the fletching on one side and arrowhead on the other. felt dozens of gasps at once behind and beside me. he immediately vanished or i'd have cornered him and asked where he'd got it. maybe. or else just taken a sneaky photo ;p
- let's play channel is still tossing and turning in my head. money is tight this check so no new equipment but...  i think eventually this will happen. i'm finally on my own now, so the dream of a LP channel from years ago might actually come to fruition now. especially in an apartment full of likeminded folk who would totally get this and maybe wanna pitch in too sometimes. :3

feelin really rested. don't wanna go to work but it's my thursday. this week has been really weirdly long idk. think soon i'm gonna go back to where i went with bb in the park, deep in the woods. old growth forest. loads of huge holy centuries-old trees and little streams full of life. amazing to find a place like that this deep in the city, more amazing to think it's just a few hundred years old and used to have been a plowed-up plantation property, and the most amazing thing of all is thinking that without the city there to guard what nature it has and let it grow wild, if this had been the country, it wouldn't even be that big and thriving. it'd be just like the area where i'm from. where the trees only get so big and the woods can only grow so much. irony.
i need to go back there, but this time alone, and sit with the System and feel them all around me. too many distractions a lot of the time makes it hard to sense them even when they're right there.


the other day was the father's birthday. when my birthday came he broke the silence of almost 4 years to text me happy birthday [and in doing so deadnamed me, of course], and i said thanks. and on his birthday, i returned the favor. not because i felt obligated or guilted into texting him back, but because i thought at the time when he texted me, even though it made me uncomfortable that he did so, that it would just be right. just do it back a couple weeks later when his birthday rolled around, and that's that. so i did and he said thanks and i deleted the thread and it was done. and i feel good about that. and i have no plans to talk to him again for the foreseeable future. which i also feel good about.

i used that word deadname -- just discovered that it exists today. that's a word like misgendering, where that's when you use someone's wrong pronoun - usually this term means it's done on purpose -- but deadnaming is when you use someone's old name or legal given name instead of what they prefer. with him it's not QUITE the same because i haven't explicitly expressed my wish to go by Oliver but i doubt he'll respect it when that does come up anyway. he and the mother have never even called me Kris, they both call me by the hated first name because when i first changed it i was too much of a weenie to insist that they call me Kris. even when they asked me i said no they didn't have to. which i regret now lol but i guess nowadays it doesn't matter too much. kris is just as wrong a name as the first name. only Oliver is correct.

another biofamily thing: the little brother's nickname [also given and not taken, he's been called it since birth and had no say in it lol] is Bo. which is kind of a southern name. but recently i've realized that this name is almost ALWAYS spelled "Beau" which is much handsomer and actually makes some kind of sense unlike "Bo".... my family lol.... if i were him i'd def start spelling it Beau.

so ya that's about it i guess. bb has gone to do a rehearsal and bird has been out hiking a lot so i'm mostly alone w my thoughts until work. which is alright i think. today is a lot better than yesterday was.

051315

May. 13th, 2015 07:27 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
WEH i fell out of habit of updating while i was off work lol. bad. i gotta do it now even tho i'm sleepy and don't feel like it


uhhh things?

- trip to see family went fine. was pretty uneventful. i got to eat food and hung out at their house for the first time since i left it 10 weeks ago, so. mom didn't get up off the couch when i went to leave. but she has messaged me on facebook every day since then when she didn't attempt to contact me once since i left until asking me if i wanted to go to dinner.... lol. idk. family will never not be weird.

- been walking down to food lion the last couple days. it's good for headspace. even though i woke up with a scratchy throat and slight cough today... still seems to be a really good thing. [picked up orange juice with MEGA PULP cuz fuck y'all i like pulp, some new burt's bees chapstick bc i like this new avocado stuff but i miss regular chapstick texture too, and some cherry cough drops. ye]

- lots of Core activity lately. Thirteen been hanging out on and off all day today, which is awesome, i've missed her. even seen the twins around. pretty much everyone except Vernon.

- we're getting a new manager at work, well, sort of. he has worked there for a while already? but then broke his leg and i didn't think i'd ever see him again but here he is. problem is he isn't a very good manager even though i like him as a person, and.... i like him but most everyone else fights with him a lot. so where he comes also comes loads of drama and i'm just so not here for this omg. hopefully i'm a lot stronger than i was before and it'll be easier to deal with this.

- bird admitted online [in a pretty private space BUT STILL admitted to at least one other group of people] being in a relationship with me and o m g. shock and awe. im so happy. everything about this has been amazing. what an experience @u@

AND SORRY I HAVENT KEPT UP WITH TAROT THINGS i promise i am doing them. i will update them.

050315

May. 3rd, 2015 04:14 pm
thebrokenarrows: (general)
wanted to write bc i was poring over some old entries from last summer when Hiccup first showed up. and in the midst of agonizing over how i 'liked my shiny new fictive too much' [l o l who was i back then] i mentioned something offhand about how he "feels like a new incarnation of a very old inner archetype, one that isn't around much anymore."

and i look at that and something just clicks and i look down inwardly at the oversized stone watermelon seed in my hand and just go

oh.

we're gonna have to do an amount of soul searching, pressing the piece into every open space to see where it clicks, but i think we might have found the shape of it at least. this might have to do with how much trouble he's had with anchoring and fronting and knowing himself. it's like he's become irrelevant and would normally demanifest, but headspace isn't letting him. he is still relevant. just not in the role he had when he first showed up. that role has evaporated BUT HE STILL HAS ONE. as is made obvious by him still being here. still here, and so solid that Trolley gave him a very physical tangible core for us to hold as proof. maybe that's really why she did it. i dunno. but... yeah. i dunno if that means he would be of the Bloodline, or just fill a very vital old niche that hasn't been filled in a while due to mental stuff... idk what this means but it feels very important.

on that note i am suspecting that Trolley "converting" Hiccup that way, making him core-based, is just another way of him 'going native', being more like the rest of us. a lot of us have cores like that. more than i expected. possibly even me. actually that is extremely likely tbh. my core would be my heart obviously because that's me, that's all of the Bloodline. [the Core bloodline which really really needs a less confusing name lmao. the hosts. the main fronter niche fillers. me myself and i.]

032715

Mar. 27th, 2015 03:43 pm
thebrokenarrows: (Default)
today just feels wrong. idk. it's still and overcast outside and usually i love a cloudy day but this one just has some Wrongness to it. not just because Bird's quiet. i'm ok with that. even though fuckin... of course bad shit would have to fall on this day for her. like jesus christ. and i can't be there as much as i want. i mean i can but not really what i want is to physically BE there. even though i don't know if that's what she'd even want right now. that's how i know i'm fucked. in love. i only want for her happiness, or peace, or whatever it means to feel good about life on the whole, most of the time.

my own life is peaceful right now but i just. i dunno. don't feel right. the balance is off. maybe because it's uncomfortably cold today, not how it should be. things are not as they should be, in general. they will be okay, but for the time being i feel very unsettled.

trying to decide if i want to wait for bb to get back or if i want to venture out and find food. i won't do that too much this paycheck, but we haven't gotten grocery lists or anything together yet so. eh.

and Poe - fucking. first of all i want to thank you again for honoring me with your private blog. and second, fucking HELL MAN YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME LONG AGO. that you had been dealing with motherfucking Baron Samedi/Papa Ghede. nope. hell to the fucking nope. i know that name. i got that call, once, a long time ago. did not pick up the phone. and i STILL to this day get little taps on the outsides of my mind. cigar smoke makes me look twice. but nope. sorry. nnnnope. i do not fuck with Loa. even if part of me feels a little compelled to. hell no. i was wise enough not to fuck with em as a baby pagan when i got the call and i'm still too chicken lmfao. maybe someday but even then i doubt it. Death Herself is quite enough of a ride for me. hell i can fuck with LOKI, the face of the Trickster. but not Loa. Nope. this little white boy ain't metal enough to go anywhere near the Loa. and may never be.

eh. idk what else. it's early in the day and i've just been reading. i may watch another episode of doctor who, kinda going back over that again bit by bit because... i can't articulate how important that show is to me. and always was. and all the things the Doctor taught me. kdjsdfs.

was thinking last night and it's really way too early to tell but the fact is, this year MIGHT be the start of a Core shift. a new reign/era. so much has fucking changed. it's probably not happened yet and really i never know that it's happed until after the fact - it's not totally like regeneration :v - but i realized that, i bet you the world, if there is a most recent Core other than myself from like the 2012-2014 era to be cast off, they're going to use the name Magpie. one that was important to me and then sharply fell off like that. that's a token sign of a name being reserved if you ask me. so it may very well go summer/apostrophe > thirteen > kyo > vernon > magpie > oliver. we'll see. i'm not counting any chickens until the person actually shows up in headspace. which is usually like at least a couple years after the Core shifts. so i might be a new me and not even really know it yet. although i definitely FEEL like that what with everything that's happened since last fall.

yeah. so. i'm ok, but some things outside are less ok and it makes me pretty grumpy that i can't just fix it. can't just crawl into bed and hug my loved ones all better. and work tonight is gonna be busy as hell, even last night was surprisingly busy. maybe the cold will keep some of the drunks at home, we can hope for that.

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