thebrokenarrows | Entries tagged with happy

going to bed at a decent time. put away all the art supplies i had out [was making art!], brushed my teeth, used my bubblegum mouthwash, washed my hands so now they smell good. mason put away all the blankets that we had out, because otherwise murphy will tear them up with his teeth overnight. i'm learning something i should have learned as a very young child, but didn't: to put things away once you are done with them.

when i'm done watching this last video on here, i am going to take the hardest step: to close my laptop, not turn it off, but close it and put it somewhere off the surface of the table. so the table is clean and free of things on it. for trauma reasons, it's very hard for me to not have a screen on and available within my line of sight at all times. but it's been a long time. it's time to try and step out of that traumagenic comfort item.

yesterday i moved the computer from its 'designated spot' [aka where i sit for hours and become stagnant and depressive most days], and spent hours in the playroom [a room i don't use as much as i should, it's full of good stuff, stim toys and games]. it was really good. i had a lovely time. but i realized the solution was not to sit there all day every day, no. the solution is to make myself more plastic. so today i cleaned all the junk off my table and put my art supplies somewhere easily accessible and not out of sight [if things are out of sight, i forget they're there and never use them, but if they're within arms reach, they become clutter... it's so hard to find a medium], and made the table clean and accessible for whatever we want. soon we should get some chairs that won't break. specfically some chairs with relatively high backs and heavy, cuz those are the best ones for making blanket forts.

proud of me today. i will say nothing about the future, that never works out in my favor. but as for today, and yesterday, i feel quite good about my habits.

alright!! the hormonal depression that squashed the hell out of me last week has lifted, i feel like the weight of the world is off my shoulders. and i am having so much fun playing pokemon today!! and this is all postgame Moon stuff btw! time to babble about it all while waiting for my ramen to cool!

- Working on a postgame checklist. I've never, ever gone on and continued far into the postgame after becoming champion. I've rarely even become champion! So! This is all uncharted territory for me, new game or not. It's awesome. I really want to fill my dex as much as I possibly can, at least the alola dex! I'm about halfway there now!
- today I worked on a few things: started raising the friendship of a Meowth that I caught for the purpose. i already had a Meowth but I didn't realize they didn't evolve at level 28, so when Raksha [that's Sanskrit for demon, btw] didn't evolve i was like 'wat' and then come to find out I was about to learn how to raise that ever-obtuse happiness stat in Alola, hahaha. So we're working on it now. I'm kind of falling in love with her, whoops. She's really fun to battle with esp since teaching her Thunderbolt.
- Also worked on catching all seven colors of Minior! and all things considered it worked out extremely spectacularly! I got them all done in just a few hours. I hadn't even seen a Minior this morning on my game, lol. once I switched out Raksha for my golduck, Kappa [more on that particular pokemon in a second], who has Damp so the damn things can't explode, my life got a whole lot simpler. they also have a pretty high catch rate, so it's all good there. [i also found a Beldum while out there on Mount Hokulani, and holy shit their catch rate is absurdly low, i almost didn't manage to catch it!] i was very lucky about finding the colors quickly, thank goodness for that, I don't have the best patience for such things. i started getting one after another and before I knew it i had all seven. and FOUR of the seven were crit captures, what the hell, even. three of them in a row! I guess I was just meant to have the rainbow of Minior. all thanks to Kappa, of course.
- so more on Kappa: once i taught her Psychic she became a quick and efficient Minior catching machine. she's level 41 right now, and the Minior are about ten levels lower, but one Psychic apiece was enough to get them down to right about 40% health, still safe from fainting but enough to see their colored core! so in a single turn they're usually ready to be caught. i didn't struggle with catching any of them. so i totally petted and spoiled this previously random boxed pokemon haha. she's great and i'm proud of her. i'm honestly falling for any pokemon that i give even the slightest bit of attention and time to. that's how this game works man. it has immense power over me <3
- Kappa, you might notice, has the same name as a Golduck you receive as a trade in one of the very early pokemon games. that's because she is one of the few species of pokemon that, whenever I catch my first one, has a set name that I must give them in every game haha. Kappa is one, long before I knew what a Kappa was, i just really liked the name. [i'd probably be the same way about Dux, but Farfetch'd is much more rare so I haven't established a tradition haha] other pokemon with this honor are Raichu - the first Pikachu i catch gets named "Pooka!" with an exclamation point and evolved to Raichu. This is in honor of a Raichu that my mother trained once long looong ago, that really impressed me. i really loved Raichu as a kid, it was one of my favorites, and I still love it. [much prefer the Kantonian Raichu tho] i seem to recall that there were multiple "Pooka!"s, either on games that we rented for a limited amount of time through blockbuster, or later, when there was no choice but to erase your pokemon with your save file and start over when you wanted to play the game again. i'm sure my mother has absolutely no memory of Pooka!, but i still name mine that every single time. in fact i think i will have to rename the Pichu i got, i don't think i was thinking clearly [pichu != Pikachu] and named it something else, but if I want to get that Aloraichunium Z or whatever that crazy name is, the last z crystal i can get right now, i must train that little one up!
- OH AND who could forget naming bird pokemon "Sor" because of my friend Stori when we were tiny children naming her Pidgey the word "Soar" but misspelled, so now we tend to name normal-type bird pokemon Sor all the time, esp Pidgey or Fearow.
- honorable mentions for names like that include... a pokemon with a particular name that left a mark on me such that later on, the first one I catch, I'll name as a sort of riff off the original, not an exact copy. this is usually because I still have the original pokemon. for example, Elie the Skarmory, who is notable for living in my pokewalker and traveling all over the physical world with me FOR LIKE THREE YEARS!!!, lol. she's from my soul silver version and currently living on my Y cartridge! i named my first Skarmory in Moon "Ellimere" in her honor. and Phoenix, the legendary Archeops who won my heart and was the key to me beating the first pokemon game i ever actually became champion on and saw the credits of, White version! [btw Alola has the best storyline since Unova! I'm not sure which I like better]. i got the plume fossil in Moon [OF COURSE] and named the little baby Fenghuang. he was a male, the original Phoenix was a rare female, so he's not quite as cool, but he gets the chinese name for phoenix. i can't name him the japanese name for phoenix because that's just "Ho-oh" LOL!

other things:
- i started my Sun version but haven't gotten far yet. i'm very wrapped up in Moon postgame today! i named my Rowlet something that doesn't seem to suit him, so i have plans to change his name to Nix as soon as i leave the first island in that game. it's all good.
- im going to breed Archen and wonder trade them out to the masses! the ungrateful, Yungoos-trading masses. :V [also STOPTRADINGMEROWLET I HAVE SO MANY ROWLET STOP, GIVE ME LITTEN AND POPPLIO FOR A CHANGE PLZ K THX]
- some other pokemon i'm super looking forward to raising: Aerodactyl [REALLY JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT TBH, i really love Aerodactyl] and Fletchling [I'M OBSESSED WITH THIS LINE AND I FEEL COMPELLED TO CATCH EVERY SINGLE FUCKING FLETCHLING I FIND IN THE WILD, I might have a problem. Or a favorite bird pokemon. Halp]
- I also tend to want to catch every Magnemite I find in the wild now! I never was that into Magnemite line before but Seven totally just won me over and made me fond of them all haha. Thx silly space magnets.

i want to draw my trainer because i changed her look and SHE LOOKS SO CUTE. Arrow, that is. i could draw her riding charizard. but in her regular clothes lolll

ok! i think i've gotten all of that out of my system! i also caught a Dhelmise today after much fishing! YAY. rn it's charging while i eat late dinner of ramen. after this i will perhaps get on that ultra beast quest that i haven't even started yet~ i thought it would be fun for my character to just fuck around the islands for a while before things get ~Srs~ again

Later edit:
To add to my amazingly good day of pokemon playing: MY FIRST RANDOM SHINY OF ALL TIME OMFG?????

It's a Fomantis!! A little female mantis with green and yellow coloration instead of pink omfgggggffgfg

She's perfect and I've named her Daffodil. This is my second shiny ever, my first was a Skrelp that I purposely fished for. This is the first time I've just been randomly pokemon hunting and SUDDENLY, A SHINY. Ever. And I've been playing since before pokemon yellow was even out, not to mention before shiny pokemon even existed. Holy. Shit. :DDD

So a week or so ago, I won tickets to a burlesque show, but my coworker had already taken off that whole weekend. I was so sad. There are only three people scheduled on night shift [like, total, not in one night, there's only three people specifically for that job including me], and one of them was on her way out while taking on another job, so right now there are only two. So there's no way we could both have off. Especially on a Saturday. They're training the new kid to replace the girl who left, so I assume it'll be me and him [me and someone with less experience, omg!!] that day. I was really sad that I probably will end up not going. As soon as I find out for sure, I'll give the tickets to someone else if I have to.

But!! Something else that I thought had fallen apart fell back into place yesterday! We mentioned the beach trip that bb's friends from school were taking, that I realized I couldn't attend because they'd decided to do it the weekend before the fourth of july. Another holiday weekend, so no way am I getting out of working it. But turns out bb was wrong about the dates... It was only that wednesday through friday. Those happen to be the days I get off every week. :o... then that night I went to work and looked at my schedule for next week... A MIRACLE OCCURRED... I'M OFF SATURDAY?!?

Yup... It's true! They're working the new kid and the other worker the saturday of the trip. The day AFTER I'd be getting home. So not only am I off all of those days, I have A SATURDAY to recuperate!! And I think bb has that night off too, so we can go to Abari together if we're not totally broke lol!!

SO YEAH. Got something to look forward to. A beach trip! And we don't even have to pay for lodgings or even food too much! They'll all be playing RPGs together so I'll be out on the beach by myself [read: with the System] a lot. For THREE DAYS. I'm gonna get so tanned [read: sunburned].

I really hope that the beach house we're going to [I've never been in an actual beach house before. I'm stoked] is within reasonable walking distance to the ocean. Cuz... Omfg. I'm getting in that mood where I want to pack a million days before the actual event. IM GONNA GO SEE THE OCEAN AGAIN MOTHERFUCKERS IM GONNA GO SEE HER AAAAAAAA

In other news:
- My nails look amazing, in shades of pastel lilac/indigo/periwinkle, with opalescent pink-purple shimmer layered over top and glittery hexagons[!!!]. Yup. Perfect.
- I met the most fascinating older guy today and I intend to go back there and find him again. He might even be able to get me involved in music again... :> which is something I've desperately missed!
- I sprained or otherwise injured my already bad wrist somehow last night at the beginning of my shift. It sucks and is so sore. Work tonight won't help at all of course. I have my brace, an ace bandage and some cold packs to help me through it, and excedrin/coffee if need be.
- The fact that there's only three people in the entire store - no, in the CITY - that do exactly the job that I do makes me feel really lucky! There are other boarding facilities of course but this is the only one of this particular type in Charlotte, and only three people [currently, just two] are ever kept on to work the night shift. That's amazing. I feel like I was really lucky to get this job. Even if it is drudgery sometimes, and a little dangerous, and I get tired of it, it really is the first GOOD job of my life and I'm so grateful to the universe and to myself.

*floats away on a glittery, pastel cotton candy cloud of aesthetic*

Y'know what? Today deserves an entry.

Got my Eevee socks on and feeling like an Eevee tonight.
My mental health has sucked dick this week, and honestly for a while now it's been worsening, but today I managed to keep the demons away. Fought em off with new things and variety and craft projects and the things I adore. And never once felt compelled to belittle my hobbies because they're "childish" or w/e like I often do lately.

We went to Target today and picked up some things!!
- an ostrich feather duster, because bb says we need one. hey if it makes the house cleaner. [and if we can keep murphy from eating it]
- some of that wolfthorn deodorant from oldspice pfftt. I'll admit I'm a sucker for their animal series stuff :v and also the thorn name derp
- mod podge!! how did we not own any. and two black posterboards for a project
- some sponges, but not the green and yellow ones because those are a little bit triggery for me. but i didn't even consider that there would be others! so instead we got some cute yellow and pink ones that have little images of forks and spoons and cups on them :'3 how lovely. now we just gotta keep them from being smelly and moldy and i will be pretty much trigger free as long as our dishes don't get rotten [like they were today until bb washed them finally *0*]
- some clothes for me!! we meant to get me swim trunks but ehhh they didn't have any that i liked. [except in kids sizes because of course e_e] so instead i got a pair of shorts that actually fits! and isn't falling apart! and is really nice, just basic grey camo cargo shorts, my go-to for literally over a decade. and they also had a polaroid shirt omg!! i had to buy that one. it's one size bigger than i would have got but they were almost all gone, i'm lucky they had them at all! so i nabbed it and i'm wearing it now. i'll take it off before work but :D
- a scale! finally to weigh myself on. it has lil river pebble textures on it for sensory stuff for me. 83
- motherfuggin EEVEELUTION SOCKS... OMG. i thought they were kid only size and wanted to cry but then bb found adult sizes. omg. it has Eevee, the oldschool trio of 'lutions, and a poke ball and masterball designs, so six pairs total. I LUV FANCY SOX. especially really cute pokemon sox. :333

other than that.... i finished today a puzzle of Termina that I had been working on for a couple of days [e.g. the land of majora's mask, my favorite game of all time]. yesterday i was so depressed and i just kept doing this puzzle to keep from self harming. so thx zelda. today i glued the puzzle together and glued it to the posterboard, and since the posterboard was a little bigger, i wrote with gel pen on the black board some quotes from the game that i've always found personal or inspiring or important. i even highlighted certain phrases like they do in the game by writing in a different color of ink. :3 i'm gonna hang it up in the playroom! along with the pic of Opal that i had drawn for me at free comic book day a while back! [did i talk about that? it wasn't a v good time but i got TONS of comics, both free and not free]

this morning i laid out on the porch in the sunbeam with murphy, who flopped and scooted his little body around and purrrrrredddd super loudly. he was playful and happy and what a blissful kitty. <3 and it was lovely to lay in the sun and feel its radiance beam down on me. i got a little bit of sun at FCBD, and now my freckles are really standing out on my skin this summer already :D

made some dinner! the kitchen is sooo much easier to navigate now that it's just us and everything is ours, and nothing is anyone else's territory to worry about. just smashed up an avocado with some fried eggs and alfalfa sprouts. v good v good. and while i was in there i put away all the dishes that bb washed this morning! not exactly heavy cleaning but i organized everything, and prepared food for myself at work tonight, and overall felt very proud of myself ^w^

tomorrow is the 15th, which means my full-tilt diet is officially over! i did in fact lose weight even though i didn't really give it 100%, and didn't work out all that much. i lost at least ten pounds, most likely more. i weigh 226 now, last i checked was in february or march [before rms moved out and took their scale with them] and i weighed ten more than that. and since i suddenly obtained shitloads of stretch marks since then, i know i have gained more weight than that since then, maybe as much as 245 or 250 lbs at my heaviest, so that means i have almost certainly lost more than ten pounds on the diet. which is fantastic. imagine what i'd do if i actually worked my ass off lol. i successfully went without touching rice, bread, tortillas or any grain product whatsoever [with the exception of crispbread which is the most dry and minimal source of no carbs ever, less than crackers]. i didn't touch ANY heavy carb foods, but i did imbibe a little sugar here and there [e.g. an icee, a donut, a cake pop, a cookie, a sip of bb's Surge the other night] but only roughly once a week did this happen if at all. soon i can have little nibbles of sweet things more often and it's okay :D!!

speaking of sweets! we ordered my cake today. aaaah!!! i've never ordered a cae in my life before i'm so excited! i gave them a card sleeve from pokekyun to scan and print on the cake aaahh it's gonna be so cute. shoulda told them to decorate it with Sylveon ribbons lol!! but maybe that'd be too complicated for this place. [ooh and i bet if i walked to Aggie's on my birthday they'd give me a free ice cream 83 and i would also love going out for birthday sushi... yeeees] i can't wait! it also came out while they were asking what i wanted on it that it was for me HAHA the lady was like "So do you want a specific number on there? Is it for a younger child or...?"
"Uh, sure, put 25th"
"Oh! ... Is this for YOUR birthday?"
HAHA it was pretty cute she grinned a lot at that. Bb was embarrassed for me I guess? but I wasn't embarrassed at all, I'm far beyond being embarrassed by such things as ordering my own birthday cake with Pokemon on it ;3

After the cake order we went to Save Point next door, and bb picked up bioshock infinite [which i will def be playing, that game man] and also an old pokemon gold and silver pokedex manual! which i mostly wanted because it has ALLLL of the old amazing watercolor Sugimori art from back in the day that i want to emulate so bad. heck yes.

oh and when i get my birthday present, which will hopefully be a super nintendo, i wanna temporarily set it up in the living room on the flatscreen tv 83 and play ma games on there. hell yeah.

last thing today, Beth actually saw me posting about rave clothes and stuff that i used to wear and she showed me a link to a HUGE sale on phat pants [these really big huge pocketed, really expensive rave pants] that were like 70% off. so i totally bought myself a pair. because yes. it's been a decade and i still adore those pants even if the bottoms get all messed up from walking in them, they're meant to go to the floor anyway! so YA i'm gonna own those and my wardrobe will be a little more colorful

so yes with the power of shopping i turned a bad week into a lovely Saturday! we'll see how work and stuff goes but today was wonderful and i'm savoring it <3

past:
- the other night i went to Abari, the game bar! they have arcade games [both old and a new one which is a four player coop game? idk], pinball and a little corner with various retro consoles to play, that is if you can ever EVER get a spot on the couch lol! it was pretty great! i had a margarita, bb had a gin and tonic [ew] and a vodka with cranberry [yum!] and... a Surge? lol?? they sell booze and also Surge. i guess it's a gamer drink somehow now :V or maybe just because it's retro lmaooo. i love Surge negl so i had a few tiny TINY sips. i really loved that place ngl! that was the first bar i've EVER EVER been to and actually enjoyed myself, didn't feel scared or claustrophobic, i kinda expected an ass grab or being grossly rubbed on while my hands were busy playing games but nobody bothered me at all except to ask to join a game or something. it was great :D! i'm totally going back there.

- steven universe is back and maaannn it was amazing. thats all pretty much. it was so good and i'm so glad the show is at least back for a few weeks!

- WORK STUFF.... eehhh. part of what hurt my mental health this week so bad was that i got Talked To at work about my performance. and it wasn't only me [which, unlike EVERY other time i've been told this, was actually not a lie but the truth, it was me and one other night worker] but man did it make me hella, HELLA insecure and depressed. i have mixed feelings about tonight but i went from 'fuck, i can't ever make a job happy with me, i'm a lazy piece of shit it's just my nature' to 'no! this is the first job of my actual real career! i have to be determined and actually get better at it and understand everything i need to do!' so... hopefully i can put that thought into action. thats the hard part. there will always, it feels like, be something i've overlooked or left undone and that makes me insecure AS FUCK but... nothing i can do but try.

- finally went ahead and ordered my pokekyun booster box, paid for two day shipping so it would arrive on thursday, specifically because i knew thursday was likely to be a rough day and i wanted to perk myself up. and so it came! and now i own the whole set [plus A MILLION doubles] minus two cards, Gardevoir full art and Flareon full art. both of which i own in english, but no it must be the japanese edition. it is BEAUTIFUL and i don't regret a goddamn thing.

Now I'm gonna go scratch my sunburn, drink my pre-work coffee and get me some several shiny Xerneas. 83

packed a really nice munchbox for work tonight. [munchbox is a word that i just invented that means the box i take to work that's not for lunch at all but instead eating food in the middle of the night :p]

- leftover fried fish from o'charley's wrapped up
- red pepper hummus, two slices of crispbread and a knife to spread it on
- organic pear
- string cheese
- three shortbread cookies in the shape of scottie dogs!! how can i NOT buy cairn terrier cookies to pack into my lunch for my dog job!!! that's so cute i just had to ugh

that hummus was a total success btw, i'm gonna have to replace it. i got more of that really nice eureka bread today too. gonna have to get more of that crispbread soon and the hummus and the pears! and start looking into making my own fruit-bottom yogurt instead of buying cups all the time!

i really am enjoying packing these munchboxes for me it's very cute and nice and makes me feel good :>

I'm Oliver.
I'm a witch. An atheistic pagan witch who worships dirt and trees and gods that exist in the mind but that have indomitable power. I shake and bend and burn to get my subconscious where it needs to go. I'm superstitious and I know it's all ultimately horseshit and I do it anyway because belief WORKS. Being a religious person with reverence everywhere and within me even totally without belief in outside gods is power.
I'm transgender. A femme-y trans boy with a rounded chest and big gorgeous hips and luscious thick thighs. These things will shift and change when I become more who I want to be, but I love my body and I love the feminine energy I was born with and the more I accept my male gender the more I feel and embrace this feminine power.
I'm queer. I no longer have a concept of someone being excluded from my attraction by gender alone. I have a type, sure, and the type can be summed up in one word - genderbender - LOL but I love boys and girls and girlboys and boygirls and others and whoever I want. It's a very freeing power.
I'm romantic. A hopeless romantic and I'm learning to embrace and love this aspect of myself. Learning that people don't hate my attention and in fact often enjoy it. Learning to find and respect the line instead of giving it the widest possible berth. Learning to see myself in a better light via improving my concept of how others think of me. And that my friends is power.
I'm polyamorous. It's natural to me and I've learned this. I can and do fall in love with multiple people and there is no shame, no guilt, no lies between anyone. I just went semi public about my second relationship and I'm so happy about it. I'm sharing myself with different people and they reflect myself back at me differently, and getting inside their heads just makes me fall more in love with each of them. This is real happiness and trueness to myself. This is my power.
I'm an artist. It splits my mind endlessly into more people and beings than I can count and I love each one of them. I tell their stories. I'm drawing more than I have in ages and it feels so good. It's what I was meant to do, to tell stories and create. I feel it in my bones. It's my true self and it's power.

If I could speak to myself from seven years ago - and if I try hard enough, I basically can - I'd tell him that power is not something to be afraid of. It's not something above your status. Not something you don't deserve. Not something evil that people only want because they're human and that being human is somehow innately evil because we're all "control freaks". YOU control your own life. You have to desire control and keep it that way. It's not only human but healthy. Feeling in control of your own life is essential for emotional health. There is no wrong or shame in that. I am finding my power and radiating my own self out from that center of power. And it makes me strong and true and let's be honest: drop dead sexy.

In Vienna there's ten pretty women
There's a shoulder where Death comes to cry
There's a lobby with nine hundred windows
There's a tree where the doves go to die
There's a piece that was torn from the morning,
and it hangs in the Gallery of Frost -
Ay-ay-ay...
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take this waltz with the clamp on its jaws

Oh, I want you - I want you - I want you
In a chair with a dead magazine;
In a cave at the tip of the lily;
In some hallway where love's never been;
On a bed where the moon has been sweating
In a cry filled with footsteps and sand
Ay-ay-ay...
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take its broken waist in your hand

There's a concert hall in Vienna,
Where your mouth had a thousand reviews
There's a bar where the boys have stopped talking;
They've been sentenced to death by the blues
Ah, but who is it climbs to your picture
with a freshly-cut garland of tears
Ay-ay-ay...
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take this waltz, it's been dying for years

There's an attic where children are playing
Where I've got to lie down with you soon
In a dream of Hungarian lanters
In the mist of some sweet afternoon
And I'll see what you've chained to your sorrow
All your sheep and your lillies of snow;
Ay-ay-ay...
Take this waltz, take this waltz
With its "I'll never forget you, you know!"

This waltz, this waltz, this waltz this waltz
With its very own breath of brandy and death
Dragging its tail in the sea

And I'll dance with you in Vienna;
I'll be wearing a river's disguise
The hyacinth wild on my shoulder,
My mouth on the dew of your thighs
And I'll yield to the flood of your beauty,
my cheap violin and my cross
And you'll carry me down on your dancing
To the pools that you lift on your wrist

Oh, my love, oh, my love
Take this waltz, take this waltz
It's yours now. It's all that there is.

[trying to write my own words underneath these feels so crude hah]
I heated up a pot of tea and used the remains from our smores night to make tea, as in the meal. As soon as I got back to the bedroom to set down my plate it started raining. The most beautiful of brief afternoon summer downpours. I propped open my broken window and put on Leonard Cohen - the song that stuck with me like a burr, the song that I first listened to almost as a joke but somehow has become so close to my heart so quickly - watched the flooding and listened to the cars on the wet road and dreamed of the girl that I love teaching me to waltz. I needed that moment. Felt so myself, so pure and true and clear. And I have since then. Like I might finally know who I actually am. At least when all the rubbish gets cleared away and I can see it, like right now.

I'm someone who is really into antiquated technology. Who chases after these things. And doesn't really think about it, about what my interests all seem to have in common is that they're sorta outdated. My typewriter [sadly neglected, needs a ribbon], my game boys and other old game systems, my Polaroid camera, my hopefully soon to begin vinyl player and record collection... these things are all so tactile, so tangible. I'm such a touch-based person, so to feel the shift and clunk of typebars as you write or to feel the hinge on your camera swing back and kick into place, the healthy heft of a full film cartridge in your camera or load of batteries in your game boy... it's so right. How things should be. I've got no grudge against things like cell phones or computers, hardly, I love them and can't get away lol. But to me there is just something about certain older technologies that I'll always pursue and make part of my life I think.

Want to write about some thoughts I've been having regarding my sex lately. I know this isn't the universal opinion but I more or less fall in line with the idea of sex being your physical geno/phenotype [i.e. what's in your genes/between your legs at birth] and gender being your identity and personality. So my gender is male, effeminate but solidly male. My sex is what you would call female although we really need a different word for these things that isn't the same word for a gender presentation :p. My sex is... "receptive"? I'm a vagina person? LOL. What I'm saying is... although I'm solidly a male person and want only to be treated as a man by society, I'm pretty happy with being born the way I was. Being the smaller, alluring sex. The one I find almost universally appealing. [I maintain that girls are magical and mysterious creatures with awesome intoxicating powers, and the more they know how to wield it the more helpless I am to resist them lol] Like if only society was set up in such a way that a boy of short stature with big hips and a vulva was widely accepted bc I feel happy that way. Happy invoking my feminine side even while my body is so feminine that everyone thinks I'm a girl. Feel solid enough in my masculine identity that I can wear pretty rocks on my finger, paint my nails, actually like the color pink. Feel comfortable in my cute and somewhat femme demeanor. It's been a long time coming.

And god almighty I'm a fucking nerd but another thing that's made me more comfortable in my sex is steven universe LOL. Like yes the gems aren't TRULY female but you know what, they all present female and seeing so many strong capable female bodied people doing work and getting shit done makes me feel good about myself. When I get dysphoria I always feel so weak and stupid and seeing these women [alien women, but whatever :V] being shown as no-bullshit powerful and wise and worthy of respect and even awe from the protagonist.... feels really good. Makes me feel more confident in my shapely legs and big hips. And even my hated chest feels a little better knowing I'm shaped like a gem. :p

feel like I should update :V

rn listening to Estelle for the first time, hadn't really checked her stuff out before and yep she's gr8. i love artists like this, like Janelle Monae and that type of work. but lol the way she pronounces words, the shape of her vowels... or anytime there's a speaking part and her voice goes down to its more normal range, every SINGLE time it's like WTF ITS GARNET??? [and yes i am listening to this because i'm gem trash, and ALSO I'M PRETTY DAMN SURE THAT SARDONYX IS VOICED BY JANELLE MONAE???? OH MG IM GONNA FLIP. and she and Estelle did a song together and IM LOVE]

IM SO HYPED for stevenbomb in like 1.5 days oh my god. u cannot stop me. especially since i've now seen Sardonyx [holy SHIT THAT FUSION DANCE WAS THE GAYEST THING ON EARTH IM IN LOVE pearl's gayness cannot be stopped]. this show is taking over my brain it's been YEARS since i've gotten into something so deeply haha. i love it. loooove iiiitttt

i haven't written about it but this has been like the POLAROID ADVENTURE WEEK!!! that's right my long awaited foray into instant film has finally happened. ive wanted this since i watched that documentary at the beach last year. and on wednesday bb was going around goodwill and picked up this camera for me for 6 bucks bc i begged him to LOL. when he sent me a photo i said OMG immediately i had to have it. it's in great shape. and then last night i went to urban outfitters for film [boooo only bc their film was on sale and nowhere else can u just go out in person and buy it instead of getting it shipped to you] and took my first polaroid photo, of Murphy.
then today!! i went to plaza midwood and wandered around until i found a photo subject. when i wandered down Central i found the King of Pops finally [omg coconut lemongrass popsicle for 3 bucks no regrets], and right there nearby was someone playing banjo and singing, busking. looked cute and queer and around my age. immediately knew i had to get a shot of this one hahah!!
so i approached her. my first time asking to photograph someone like this. her name was Beth and she played really well. only had been playing the banjo since january. she had all these nice tattoos and a little doodle of Finn on her wrist that her girlfriend had drawn on her earlier that day. she was homeless, just travelling through the country. was from Virginia, had seen almost every state except south dakota. [told me utah was great hahah im trash] so i took a photo of her with her banjo and case and sign, and she wanted to keep the photo. hahah. ugh i couldn't say no, she was too cute. and sang and played these folk songs, some covers and some she'd written herself. simple but so well. so i sat in the shade there with her [it was still so fucking hot] and hid my photo from light while it developed. because Impossible's film develops a lot slower and is a lot more sensitive to light than polaroid's was. gave her some change and talked about everything.
immediately had a tiny crush on her pfft. so i knew i was gonna have to let her keep the photo. so when it developed after 30 ish minutes, i gave it to her face down and had her turn it over while i took a second photo. and that one i kept, her genuine smile seeing herself in the first polaroid photo she'd seen in ages. it's a shame i didn't think to get a phone pic of the first one because it came out super well, but this one is almost even better in composition if not in development. [it developed in my pocket on the drive home LOL]

so yeah. suffice to say that i'm having a hell of a time with instant film just like i knew i would. no regrets whatsoever. and i'm definitely budgeting for packs of film to bring to utah with me LOL! oh yes. so many photos will be taken there. real tangible photos that you can hold and touch and show people and take with you anywhere.

every day is up and down for me mentally, lots of job stress lately again and i know i gotta find my way outta there. i can't stay like this anymore. but lol job hunting is so hard it's the worst. but you know what? this has definitely been the happiest year of my life too thus far. i feel more fulfilled than ever. starting to draw a lot more again [i started drawing gems and now i can't STOP HELP] and even coloring stuff and working on this tarot project, doing spiritual things and crafting, getting into hobbies i've wanted for a long time like instant film and retro gaming, getting into another super good relationship... moving out was so fucking good for me. it's still a struggle to stay afloat some days with anxiety and stress and sometimes depression but like. this is the happiest i've been in a long time and i'm so grateful.

GOTTA WRITE ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY bc it was the best birthday i've had in years and i enjoyed every second p much

SO our plans of course were to go to Carowinds and we got there without a problem but THEN DISCOVERED.... that the park doesn't open to the public on weekdays until next week. wowe. the joys of having a birthday just one week before the Official Beginning of Summer, memorial day weekend. which i guess bb didn't think to check LOL. so we sat there stunned for a minute because bb had already spent almost all his money buying the tickets [so we WILL be going, just not this week lol], but we HAD to do SOMETHING...

so we started back towards town and halfway there we decided we were gonna go to discovery place instead. and guess who managed to get us in for two dollars via their EBT card? that's right: me. i'm a genius. a broke genius.

so we had a great time that place is always great. it did somehow feel significantly smaller than it did going there every year as a kid, even though they renovated the hell out of it five years ago or so which made it feel much nicer and bigger. they had a lot of cool stuff that i hadn't seen before. i watched an exotic species of partridge taking THE FUCKING CUTEST dust bath in the dirt while two huge tortoises eyed each other warily. they had the single angriest puffer fish i'd ever seen, spitting water at me and jerking its head aggressively and staring into my eyes and just generally clamoring for my death. there was a pistol shrimp omg, which was all sorts of ridiculous colors and which responded incredibly curiously to my hands, first making a threat display and then calming down and coming closer to investigate before getting bored and wandering off. [the first time an invertebrate has ever seemed to me to be some kinda intelligent?!?! :o] and i got to touch a sea cucumber, which looked basically just like a huge turd but which was THE MOST DELIGHTFULLY SOFT SMOOTH SQUISHY thing to touch.
and we watched an IMAX movie about great white sharks, and played with all the science machines [i'm too heavy for the AIR CHAIR anymore oh nooo ;_;] and looked at lots of frogs and just generally had a rly great time. not bad for a birthday knocked off course entirely lol.

then when that was done we went down to the Public Market on 7th street and looked around. and got crepes at the crepe place because we were hungry, but also wanted to not eat too much so we could fill up on the stir fry my roomie was cooking up for my birthday. [the crepes were fucking delicious though holy crap] we bought a jar of blackberry jam to spread on homemade bread later, and the guy ringing us up apparently just thought we were cool and gave us a dollar off for it LOL. awesome. thanks man.

so then we went home and ate the things and it was great and i was so stuffed i could barely move. then TIPSY SKYPED w poe and bird for hours and THAT was ALSO great. and THEN before i got to bed i ended up receiving some amazingly good birthday sex. like WHAT MORE COULD A PERSON ASK FOR lol.

so yeah. it was a really great birthday and i'm so glad. and the best part is even though the birthday plan of going to carowinds went bust, i STILL GET TO GO TO CAROWINDS LATER ANYWAY LOL!!

today has been very chill, just relaxing, did some more skyping, then went for a walk and now relaxing again. might draw some things, might watch some things, who knows what i'll do in the last few hours before work. 24 is gonna be a great year. i wasn't prepared for how great the latter half of 23 was to be, but it sure has set me up for greatness.

SO!!! today has been adventurous. i'm pleased by the productivity of this day it's broken up my 'omg wasting time!' feelings.

first off, today's tarot draw: #7, "How can I nurture my personal growth?"
draw: The Lovers.
>:|||||||||||||||||||| could you be anymore fucking obvious with that, deck lmfao. THX. thx. the first time pulling a tarot card has made me blush. i don't even need to explain this one ahhhaha

SO speaking of TAROT: an idea for a deck blossomed in my head all at once today while skyping with Bird. Pokemon tarot. Omg. And I knew just who to turn to: my stepsister, because tarot and pokemon are her two favorite things. [and like my two favorite things are pokemon and symbology/spirituality in general LOL!]
SO THEN i have spent the entire afternoon talking to my stepsister [Amanda] about what we'd use and we're now on skype going over card by card. and we have almost every major arcana card nailed down and are working on the suits now. it's getting RLY GOOD and there are a couple of cards that i cannot wait to draw eeeee :D

IDK WHERE WE'LL GO WITH THIS, all i know is it's a fantastic idea and the two of us are a really good team for this particular project because we love pokemon and tarot lol. I WANT TO SHARE what we have so far but... not yet. 83

while this discussion was happening i ventured out to the NoDa area to check out a coffee shop! it's called the Smelly Cat lol. ironic because i've been feeling very feline all day. my black and white tuxedo cat shape. and i went in there [with Thirteen who stood quietly nearby and watched from a distance all that we took in] and ordered a white mocha with some banana bread. as soon as i walked in the lady behind the counter complimented my Hylian Crest shirt ha! it might be falling apart but people love it. i need a new one.
and lemme tell you. that drink was absolutely worth five dollars holy shit. i felt bad for only tipping 2 bucks. some of the best coffee i have ever tasted. it was SO SWEET BUT it wasn't that gross syrupy cloying sweet of cheap coffee drinks, and still had lots of earthy dirty coffee taste in it oghhh. perfect amazing. was just sitting there as a cat purring and lapping at the coffee with PERFECT FOAM TOPPING. the guy who served it to me shyly commented on his lack of foam art making skills and it was cute and i didn't remotely care because the foam was the most heavenly thing my kitty tongue has ever tasted. @_@ it was just a perfect scene for me that day. sitting in the corner sipping this amazing coffee drink while excitedly texting with Amanda about a brand new idea i had. yes. a good thing. i'll definitely be going back to the Smelly Cat lolol.

so now Amanda and i are going card by card and settling into what pokemon we want to feature. i'm so excited aaahhh this is gonna be so cool even if they never get printed or whatever BUT WHAT IF THEY DO :D

SO i gotta go to work and it's w/e but i'm gonna be chewing on this pokemon tarot idea for a while now. the major arcana alone are giving me such excited willies [GET READY FOR THE DEATH CARD O M G] :333

today is a CONSIDERABLE improvement over the last week. right now sitting in bed with the lights off just sitting here with my laptop, leaning up against bb who is curled up asleep. watching the rain come down in sheets, pattering on the window screen, and skyping my best friend.

i'm in an exceptionally sappy, sentimental mood today hahah. it's nice. woke up to Bird sending me a selfie and so the first thing i saw today was her face and immediately was just like :#3. and all day have felt rather kindly towards humanity as a whole, friendlier than usual, wanna hold all my loved ones close. maybe this is the opposite hormonal mood swing from the other day but i can deal w this one. warm fuzzies everywhere. [my moods usually don't go crazy like this every month, but eh. last couple of years it's started deciding that it's boring to cycle with no symptoms whatsoever besides like 1 hour of cramps per month, so now i get swelling and pain and mood swings and all that fun shit :V]

was the first day for quite a while that bb and i have got to just spend time together, we went out and had lunch and then came home and he played tetris attack for the first time, and got totally sucked in while i looked up some cute stickers for to put on my laptop. my last laptop lived 5 years, its entire lifespan with no stickers bc i guess i thought it would be a bad idea or something to put stickers on that i couldn't get back off later??? that's a bad mindset. like it feels healthy and cautious but it keeps me from having any fun in life. things are changing and im gonna put cute stickers of studio ghibli and pokemon and steven universe [YES THE CURRENT PHASE IM NOT GONNA REGRET IT LATER SHUT UP MIND]

wwwwwwwwwwwwwweh idk i don't rly have anything more to say im just a ball of warm fuzzy feels right now and i love a lot of people and what's more i think they love me back some and it's so nice ;u;

should talk later about: colors and what they feel associated with in my mind. actually a v important thing in headspace. for example pink is a very soft and comforting color to me, not at all "feminine" per se just cute and comforting like a favorite plush toy.

SOOO Today was good! Fun times. bb took us out to hardee's for lunch, then we decided we were finally gonna go see Home, the movie. and it was... mmm. how do i articulate my thoughts. it was good! made me think and feel and that's what movies are meant to do. and although it was so Colonialism: The Kids' Movie that my white skin burned at times LOL, it also made me really happy to see this kinda progress being made. like. yes. casual remarks about the protagonist's 'beautiful brown skin' and 'lovely hair' and stuff. the total lack of white characters being an equally total nonissue. this is where it needs to start: kids material. so yeah, really nice message, wasn't the MOST appealing animated movie i've seen but eh, it's fine. i didn't regret seeing it at all and the ending definitely was good. and some good music too!!!

and THEN we went home and i got bb to watch the first like four episodes of SU in a row, starting him on just watching them straight through. he's not a binge watcher of things though so i guess we'll just watch a few in a row when he feels like it or whatever until he's caught up lol. i may have to coax him into watching Cat Fingers bc of the body horror involved >_> but like also important story stuff is involved!! too!! so it's good to watch! idk. we'll see.

so we did that for a bit and then roomies decide they want ice cream! so we debate on where to go and then J and i go to baskin robbins. right before closing time. and.. long story short, 4 ice cream cones and only like 2 and a half hands to hold them. lol. on a seventy degree night. LOL... SO as you can guess everything started fucking melting everywhere. in my right hand i held bb's and D's cones which absolutely melted all over me, my hand and butt and thigh and some on the car and the napkins helped nothing whatsoever. but i was a steadvast valiant ice cream soldier and nibbled my own [mint because always always always he has claimed the entire flavor] and silently thanked the gods for making me fat, because i had shoved my 3DS and phone in between my legs and my fat was keeping them dry and safe from ice cream drips LOL!!! so yeh. it all worked out for the best. we got them to meet us downstairs and rescue me from my ice cream melt prison :V and then i went up and finished off my cone and took my ass a shower!!
and it turned out that my subway shirt got superduper chocolate stained LOL. it might never be the same. it's soaking now and might get bleached or something but i'm so not worried about it. that's one of my trash shirts that i don't give a fuck about so it's alllll good. i didn't regret a moment of that experience LOL. good times. what a summer thing to have happen. ;D

so noooow i finished animal crossing where i left off when Ice Cream Shenanigans happened, and now i think i'll play some super nintendo. help me i'm falling in love with a game system that is so obsolete and outdated it ain't even funny decades after it came out heLP

idk why i even opened this page up bc i'm too tired to say anything that i wanna say about tonight. more tomorrow. but. just. im happy in this life in this world. im so happy i've never been so fulfilled in my life as i am in the year 2015. there's so much yet to work on but. i'm more grateful than anything. and full of love. my heart is so full and so wide open and i. just want to bow til my nose touches the floor in gratitude. i can't possibly show it enough. thank you all of you

wow i didn't write yesterday, think that's been the first day all month :v

idk. what's on my mind? other than the usual trash?

been listening to a lot of Daniel Johnston. and thinking that i should bust out the big keyboard that's living in my car rn. i should find someplace where i can store it because. i should start playing with it. i never learned the proper fingerings but that same exact situation for computer keyboards never stopped me from typing 80wpm, right? idk. i should definitely do that especially since i'm actually home alone semi-regularly now. WHICH IS REALLY GOOD FOR ME BTW. really important. once i can get the guts to actually do stuff.

thing that i think i should maybe write a song about is Stormy's death. maybe. i dunno. that'd be a fucking sad sack fucking song. but. that's a pile of sludge that's been lurking around in my insides for two years and i've never quite hacked it all the way out. and i mean honestly it's the death of a loved one, essentially the death of a child, it NEVER WILL be completely gone and that's fine. but. idk. i think that might be a subject. among MANY OTHER ONES I PROMISE NOT JUST SAD ONES

and i can tell you too that this is a HUGE sign that i'm growing. changing. i'm afraid to say the b-word, but... maybe even that. slowly. which is so wonderful. what i can also tell you is that things that used to jar the shit out of me or be legitimate triggers that would stop me cold and make me have to sorta reboot my brain - loud noises like a big rig hissing right in my ear while driving, for example, or the sound of a door knocking - just make me flinch now. they still bother me but they don't turn me into a curled up ball of terror anymore. i feel like bones that were exposed to the world are covered in new, healthy tissue now and thus when things bounce off them, it doesn't hurt so bad.

yesterday i talked to Bird in the morning on skype and THEN AT NIGHT I TALKED TO POE ON SKYPE LIKE ALL NIGHT. SO WOWOWOW DOUBLE SKYPES IN ONE DAY AND THEN!!! THIS AFTERNOON i got home from our outing and THEY WERE ON AGAIN SO LIKE 3 SKYPES IN 24 HOURS. so great. hell yeah. maybe the universe is kissing our ass to make up for the 3 days right after they got back from their trip. [i literally cannot believe it's been a week since they left jesus christ. the weekend felt like it alone took a week. that week or 2 that i'll spend up there in Utah is gonna last 5 seconds I swear to god]

idk. i seem to be back in this tuned into outside space phase again, where it's hard for me to let go of the front and pay attention to what's inside. but like. the other night hiccup had me just not even use my eyes inside, not try to focus on seeing visually, and just use all of my other senses. hearing and feeling. and i can do that!! i can do that even right now while i'm looking at things outside!! i can hear and feel and use inside senses that have no analog on the outside, and i at least keep track with that when my inside eyes won't focus properly. but if i AM in this phase again at least it's for a good reason because life outside is kinda amazing right now aslkjalkdjfasd

the trees outside my window are budding and IT'S AMAZING SPRING IS HERE IM SO GLAD ;w; winter is DONE AND OVER.

so our outing, when we woke up bb and i went to Red Lobster. and he didn't believe me that a $25 gift card wouldn't cover much :V but we were cheapo and actually managed to only go over 50 cents!! the amount of food we got was truly disappointing for 25 bucks, but i mean for the 50 cents that we actually paid, it was a lot LOL. so then after that bb convinced me to go to the cracker barrel and get some candy. which i mean we probably shouldn't have but. ya know. it was nice. :B and also i have strong associations with Cracker Barrel being THE PLACE WE GO ON ROAD TRIPS [would go like every year to see my maw maw in WV, and ALWAYS stopped at cracker barrel. and i would ALWAYS get myself a beanie baby while there lmfao. so we didn't eat there but the inside of the place was the exact fucking same even tho i've never been to this particular one. [they even still had a beanie baby corner. and it was the same corner. omg wtf. even though beanie babies suck ass now and look like crap] it was pretty awesome and we got some neat candies. YE. so that was a fun time.

WHAT ELSE idk. feeling kinda hyper right now but also like i don't want to do anything?? lol?? idk maybe i'll clean up because the room looked SUPER NICE and now it's a bit cluttered again. idk. only got like 2 hours until work and it's a long work night ahead but should be fine. thursdays are pretty easy and it's the most legit manager tonight so.

IDK LIFE IS GOOD TALKIN 2 MA BIRD AND LIKE. FEELIN LIKE IT'S OK TO BE SAPPY AND ROMANTIC AND BOLDLY STATE MY FEELINGS LIKE WOW AMAZE. I don't have to be ashamed and secretive and hide my feelings about everything????? Like they're not repulsive or disturbing????? Like what the hell lol. AMAZING FINDINGS

Only thing is Hiccup misses being up front so I'm gonna do my best to let go and let him have it completely tonight. Mostly anyway. I'm a little concerned about some hints I've been picking up about tomorrow so I'm gonna also have A Presence for the night. But work is allll his because he's the one who actually ENJOYS it. And he misses having a body and stuff so also that. God imagine if he ever physically got sexy with anyone lmfao i'm just sayin JUST SAYIN DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT

so i did indeed go out to save point and it was totally worthwhile. def gave my day a much happier note.

went up there and came home with a new gamecube [although i still have my old one, they had no need for parts for a disc-based console] and a spare AV/power cable. sooo i guess i'll give my old one to someone who needs one haha?? that's how i got mine last summer, someone gave it to me for free, so. only this time it WILL come with cords. :v but it also came with a controller, like AN OFFICIAL NINTENDO CONTROLLER and it blew my mind how much better it was than the third party new one i've had since like august. omg. the third party one works fine but it has no weights in the handles and like. the weighted one just feels like sex in your hand compared to it. omg. it's so comfortable and natural yas.
oh and the gamecube itself is purple!! very classic. even though it doesn't match the black/white of all my other consoles, somehow it fits in better there. maybe because the system was always advertised purple, like the wii was advertised white. idk!

also got a working copy of Metroid Prime since the one i bought a few weeks ago didn't work for some reason, and omg. didn't expect to get hooked IN THE TUTORIAL LEVEL LOL. i meant to just play the tutorial stage and quit, and i did, but it was HARD to quit omg. i did not expect to get so into it that early in the game. GOOD STORYTELLING GREAT JOB WHOEVER MADE THESE. i've never been a metroid player but always heard they were quality. and i think i can already confirm that. yas.
other stuff i got... finally found a good [late] bday present for bb! Goldeneye for n64, which i think is his favorite game and not one that i'd ever owned. so i grabbed him a copy. i think this is the first new n64 game i've gotten since like ten years ago LOL! awesome. and also i got Ico for ps2, because we had this demo version of it on a disc once and i always thought it was cool but never seen the full game available, and it was cheap so i grabbed it. as if i needed more games without cases laying around rofl. but eh it works.
annnd i got a charizard poster that was in the $1 bin! it was a japanese poster of mega charizard Y for the TCG! i have no idea how that ended up there but the guy expressed a lack of surprise that it didn't last long before getting bought rofl. got it for my 'zard collection hell yeah. now i have more megazard stuff.

OH AND... the biggest money oops lolol. grabbed the Zelda Collector's Edition disc for gamecube as well. it's kinda hard to find but they were selling it for like 45 bucks so i grabbed it. runs over 100 bucks online lots of the time. it comes with a demo of Wind Waker as well as the first 2 zelda games, ocarina of time and majora's mask. [apparently i must own majora's mask on every possible console lolol.] now all i need is the gamecube twilight princess and i'm basically set for zelda on gc LOL! good. yes.

so i played Metroid Prime some, checked the Zelda game to make sure it played, and then decided to peek at my poor neglected animal crossing town LOL. i hadn't played it since september. :x but it was alright. just picked HELLA FUCKIN WEEDS. literally hundreds of weeds in the last five months. i don't even think i got them all now that i think about it but i spent like 30 minutes picking weeds and apologizing to my villagers for disappearing the whole winter lolol. only had one move away! and one or two others moved in. so that's cool i guess. i'm not as invested in this town but also i saw Wild World for sale at save point and was like .... better not.... lol. two towns is already too much!!

so. yeah. games stuff. makin me feel a little better about life. and now i'm clean and showered and thinking about what i want to do with my hair eventually. oh and bb brought me jimmy johns because i was having a craving for it and it was sooo good even though they put cheese on it when i asked them not to :v and jj's is stopping using alfalfa sprouts i guess which makes me SO SAD BECAUSE OH MY GOD i love alfalfa sprouts. i will eat shitloads of them on everything. ;_; and yeah. even though i spend lots of time in that grease pit serving angry drunks... my life is so much more than that. my life is spending time in the sun and making good art and talking to friends [even when we have busy days and can't talk to each other much sometimes] and playing good games both retro and new and eating good food and. yes.

last night hiccup wrote "Joy is real" in red ink on my arm and i think he's going to do it again tonight. at the base of my forearm so it's covered by my sleeve just barely, and i can pull it back to reveal it but it won't get washed away. and it helped me so much. that part of the song sounds like flying as high as your wings can possibly carry you, so high you feel lightheaded and can't breathe properly. joy. is. real. it's so real.

and now arty is making a nest in his cage like he always does at night. god you're so effing cute you big idiot. and i must go to work and experience yet another saturday night :v

Current Music: shearwater - insolence

HEY SUP

i'm feeling really good rn because i went on an inadvertent sorta hike through the PARK TODAY and it turned out to be a really huge and nice park in a pine forest with TWO big ponds and water flow and yes. very nice. nicer than i expected. and i was really tired at the end but man it's good to have a place to walk in the woods. there's places out there i wouldn't believe i was in the middle of Charlotte, i'd think i was transported back into union county's backwoods nowhere, if there weren't low flying planes going overhead every few minutes. [which doesn't bother me, it just makes hiccup REALLY EXCITED EVERY SINGLE TIME LOL. maybe he'll get used to it eventually. maybe.]

hiccup was also excited by DOGS. the dog park. DOGS EVERYWHERE. so many happy excited playing running dogs oh my god. he was vibrating wanting to go in there and play and wrestle with them all. if only we had... any kind of availability in our life i'd get that boy a dog. but we couldn't possibly care for one well enough rn. sorry bro. :< but i'm sure they will all kiss you and play with you!!

PHEW YEAH that's p much been it, talked to Bird and also Tulia today and it was lovely and yes. i love talking to them all so much aaaahhhhhHH

oh also while out walking i actually had Trolley come up and speak to me. that was crazy. you FEEL her words more than hear them. her presence felt like roots growing out through my fingertips into the earth as she spoke to me of the depth of time and how there was something here before anything, even the pond, whether it was human made or not, it didn't matter. something had always been there before. long before. and i felt the vines crawling over my back and the roots shooting out of my hands as she spoke, softly, directly into my soul.

oh and when i first woke up i felt kinda like shit but then i decided to like JUST CALL UP BIRD ON THE PHONE??? when was the last time i called someone for pleasure just to talk to them??? it's probably been like eight years or more what the fuck. i never do that rofl. phone calls give me such anxiety but i decided to do it anyway and yeah my heart was pounding like always when the phone rings but i... like.. felt good. it felt natural and not awkward. and we talked and laughed and discussed plans for like 45 minutes and when i hung up [because bb had made me his omelet] it felt like the right amount of time, not cut short or drawn out too long, and i actually didn't feel drained. what. what is even happening to me this year omg.

yeah so i'm gonna make myself a gigantic bowl of cereal because I'M ACTUALLY REALY TRULY AN ADULT LEGIT I'M ON A LEASE AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT WHOOP ITS A GOOD DAY

SUCH A GOOD FRICKIN DAY just yes. wow. had a really hard weekend so i feel like i deserve today.

SO YA we're in. we're on the lease, signed my name away. february will be our last month totally rent-free. i'm just so glad. rly glad about all this. finally we can BREATHE. and we may get to move in before mid march or whatever, we really don't know what's gonna happen yet so i guess we'll just... remain 75% packed up and wait it out to see what happens lol. it works for me.

so ya then we went the EXTREMELY SHORT TRIP from the apartments to Save Point Games and just. oh god. love. that place is way too damn close to my new home lmfao. just went in there and picked up a couple replacement wiimote protectors [bc the brother wrecked the ones that we've had forever] and Metroid Prime for the gamecube, which i'll try out in a little while. i don't even mind if the gamecube can't play it bc i'm fixing to be able to just drive 5 miles from the house and drop $30 on a 'new' gamecube. which is on the list of stuff to buy from there lol. along with a cable for the little ps2 and other things that i can't think of right now.

and we stopped by subway and SURPRISE this happened to be the subway where my old manager works now! we only worked together for like three months so not that big a deal in the long run, but i was like woah sup!! she asked me if i still had a turkey wing in my car LOL. i guess that's what she knew me for. [in retrospect i rly shouldn't have kept that preserved bird wing in my hot car. no wonder it's so sticky now around the bone -^-] so yeah saw her for the first time in forever. that was cool. glad i'm so far removed from that old job that it wasn't weird or awkward for me at all.

yup. good day. and now the sun's setting and i'm tired from the short amount of sleep that i got but now we can relax a bit. it's nice. so nice.

inner life stuff:

- hiccup and me are getting so close it's ridic. just a really good fronting team. i'm becoming kinda self conscious about not paying attention to most of headspace besides my immediate fronting vicinity which usually includes Hiccup and a couple others. it's kinda like the internal version of staying in my room all day. but it's just something i'm going through right now. and i think folks understand that.
- the River. i have learned of its existence but not its name. Thirteen told me about an offering that needs to be made, most likely blood. nothing violent, just... introducing myself on the River [and its spirit]'s terms. imagery of flood waters, the water version of plains fires, harsh but necessary cleansing. and there's Irelia on the horizon, the great orca in the stormcloud, the matriarch female with the huge bull dorsal fin. that's how i see her. a female, dominant in orca culture, but with that giant tall fin, flashes of black and white showing through a stormcloud, an ominous eyepatch peeking out. i'm going to have to introduce myself to her, too.
- that fucking Shearwater album permeating my entire existence. some song or other from that album is constantly floating through my head and has been for like a week. it's so so important. i need to get more Shearwater but rn i'm just too tired. just gonna plug in my ps2 and put on Avatar because hiccup needs to watch that and i've been meaning to get around to it for a long ass time. watch a movie in bed and r e l a x. finally.
- moved the last stuff out of the room. [they're painting over the grey and blue walls whhhyyyy TT___TT i worked SO hard on those and they're so damn beautiful but apparently the grandmother 'won't like it'... im cry those walls are so beautiful even they agree wtf man. rip my beautiful hard work] my last act was to formally close up the altar space for good. i let it get dirty and stagnant, and temporarily closed it before, but this was a permanent goodbye. as with all good witchcraft, it was improvised as i went along, doing what felt right.
this time what felt right was approaching the altar from the middle of the room, bowing on all fours and touching my forehead to the [now carpet-bare hardwood] floor in reverence, as i had so many times before. thanking all the spirits i had spoken to and communed with here. then after a moment of silent reverence, abruptly standing up and clapping sharply into the echoing silence, as if to scare off an animal that had gotten too close. immediately turned on my heel and walked out of the room, at normal speed, but not looking back. i felt shadows following after me, nameless vibes and echoes, and felt chills run over my back, little pangs of inexplicable anxiety as i walked away from that sacred space, feeling the long maintained wards finally collapse down from the walls and floor. i just felt like it was important to formally close it up, say a loud and clear goodbye, not just drift away and let it be forgotten.

TODAY WAS A REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD DAY BUT I DIDNT FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT IT?? why do i only ever want to talk about struggles that i'm going through and not good times

first off: i am crushing so fucking hard on too many people in my life right now god damn it destroy me im so embarassed about my silly heart getting RLY MUSHY AND INFATUATED WITH PEOPLE. but so happy that there are people that i'm just really in love with/happy that they're on the earth. and like nothing needs to be ~DONE~ about these crushes they are just what happens when i bond really closely with people that i gel really well with no matter what. the only thing that needs to be done is that i spend lots of time in person with them. and that's gonna happen. yup. in the mean time just LOTS OF BLUSHING AND WORRYING TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT I SAID WHEN PEOPLE RESPOND SLOWLY FOR WHATEVER REASON AND GODDAMN IT WHY AM I SO SILLY this is a rly good problem to have ;~;

so yeah. two REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS:

- I FOUND MY FUCKING GAMES. i found them. as in, we got to the leasing office and i opened bb's car door and stepped out and looked back into the car aND THERE THEY FUCKING WERE LOL. stuck between the seat and the door. could have gotten knocked out at any time. and ~~his door doesn't lock~~ his car is a rag top so he doesn't ever lock it anyway, so if ANYONE had decided to open his passenger door over the last week while he was at work or whatever, they could have been stolen so easily. or gotten kicked out accidentally and gone unnoticed. but nope. it was there. and now i have my games back and i'm so happy i could cry ;wwww; i was just like. IN SHOCK when i found them. bb like jumped up and down and was SO EXCITED and i just stood there stunned LOL. like i never thought i would see them again. i'm so glad.

- SO FIFTEEN MINUTES AFTER THAT, when we walked in to give them copies of our personal info... they were all like "oh yeah you're already approved and stuff you just need to sign the lease!"
wait what
scuse me
did i hear u correctly
WE'RE IN?!?!?!
SO YEAH I GUESS... WE HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE NOW holy shit. the apartment with J&D is actually happening. i am so glad. we haven't signed it yet, that will probably be tuesday when i have to bring my car's registration [and bb has to figure out what to do about his car bc it's not actually in his own name so they can't give him a parking tag, but not a HUGE problem]. BUT YEAH LIKE. LIKE.... OMG. we did it. we found a place. and it's a good place with friends. and i'm so excited i could just pee everywhere like a little dog.

- AND THEN!!!! THEN WE GOT FUCKING HOME after some minor blehs [long story short i get to move into that little spare room even earlier than i actually need to, which is... not... what was agreed upon earlier... but whatever] AND I HAD PACKAGES IN THE MAIL. PACKAGES PLURAL. my Bowser amiibo and the little leather armband i bought from Etsy for Hiccup both arrived on the same day. oh my god. on the same ALREADY WONDERFUL DAY.
the armband says "okay but i hit a night fury" and yeah it's perfect. and it smells like real leather bc it is and Hiccup adores it. if only it wasn't the same color as my skin >_>' i kinda expected a pure white but it's kinda pink white skin tone. he said i should try to stain it. i think that's a nice idea. in the summer when the pokeroot grows out again, if we can find some in the city* the berries, while poisonous make a really good ink and stain. i could totally dye it a purpley color. becuse this pinkish pale color is ok but it will get dirty pretty quick. ya. so there's that idea.
AND BOWSER IS AMAZING. holy shit he's so HEAVY compared to my other amiibo. gonna have to name him Bowser the Vast or something like that because holy crap. such good quality mane i rly appreciate it Nintendo. u own my soul same as ever.

AND NOW I HAVE ALL MY GAMES BACK AND MAJORA'S MASK IS COMING OUT IN A WEEK HOLY SHIT *ANGELS SINGING*

*which I bet we can because turns out a few miles from the new apartment [!!! i can say that for sure how exciting!], there's a HUGE natural park and yes. gonna go there and worship and be in nature even in the city. it's not just a shitty looking dog park either it's a HUNDREDS OF SQUARE MILES NATURE PRESERVE and i'm not even sure i can go in there which is RLY GOOD, but i hope i can.

can i just say how happy i am to have a Tell All Your Secrets kind of friend for the first time in... a really long time? and the first time i've had a friend like that who was also into similar art/headworld/spiritual/most other interests stuff as me... like ever? Like. Omg.

Like I told her, once I'm done with all the moving and shit and got settled in I'm officially starting a money jar/fund kinda deal. Goal is 800 dolla. Save up for a round trip plane ticket out west to go see the first human [ish] true best friend I've had in a really really long time. It'll totally happen by the end of the year, I think. As long as nothing unforeseen and stupidly expensive happens to us before then. I'd love that for a summer vacation or something. Go spend a few days or a week getting to know Roane in person. So many plans already.

Coffee's wearing down [btw bb made poundcake from scratch in the middle of the night and we ate it and drank coffee and i was mad about being an adult yesterday but right now i'm pretty happy about it] so i think it's time for sleeps. Nighty night.

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the Broken Arrows

December 2017

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T. B. A. S.

Book of Days

Entries tagged with happy

//

POKEMON BABBLING~

062116

051416

010916 actual day

pa-pa-power

(no subject)

071115

052015

050715

041915 today feels pink for some reason

040415

//

032615

FEEL LIKE TODAY NEEDS ANOTHER UPDATE

030915

021015

020515