thebrokenarrows | Entries tagged with thoughts

last night was the first headspace night that we've had in some time. and it was very good. it rained and rained, and rain is one of our best triggers to all wake up together as a System and spend time with one another. so we did. and all blendy, Bird messaged us... what responded was a mixture of Carnelian, Kyo and, surprisingly, even the Toy Soldier. [who never used to even appear to anyone except Oliver, such changes haha]

and, oh, that poor girl, she says her System has left her and won't come back. i don't know what to make of that, but clearly she's heartbroken and it's been months now. we talked to her and it was quite emotional. kind of like old times.

it was just so good to stand wrapped up in the rain, our feet soaking wet and cold to numb [some of us aren't used to having bodies, oops], but the rest of our body wrapped in a warm fluffy dry blanket, surrounded on all sides by the sparkling wet darkness and the rain falling. there was even a flash of thunder or two, and that was the highlight of our night together. it was meditative, peaceful and pure, and that's really what we aim for a little bit every day, and so rarely succeed. but sometimes, we do succeed. and for that we are grateful.

so, thoughts we're having today:

woke up and broke the pattern by purposely thinking about Hiraeth before getting out of bed. nothing in particular sprang to mind, just... reminding myself. reminding ourselves.

because, the big thought today is that... i have continually thought of headspace as this beautiful place, but a place that I am almost always locked out of into this tiny room between Hiraeth and the body, usually alone. but the thing is, i'm not at all sure that's the reality. and that... well. the line between "me" and "us" is really so very, very blurry.

anyone reading this is also plural, so you probably understand the weirdness i feel here. the concept of blurring the line between being separate people, and all being one great being composed of many parts. we do not like the term "median", even if others may think it applies to us. it gives a feeling of being "less multiple" than "proper systems". no, fuck that, we are a System, and we have been a System for a dozen years. our experience of the world is real and valid and wholly our own.

now, that said. the imagery I'm - we're - getting today is that... I've always known the image of being "locked up front" was false, but wasn't sure how, or what to do about it. But today it felt almost like... one is all, all is one. what i see, they ALL see. as if we as a System were wrongly trying to impose this reality on ourselves, for some reason, when actually it's... not even true. it's not just me who interacts with the world, while the others are all holed up in Hiraeth without me most of the time. that is a false dichotomy. we ARE Hiraeth, and Hiraeth is always with me, with us. we are truly in this together, at every moment. and i mean all of this quite literally.

some of this is leftover from 2015 when, wrong-headedly, I tried very hard to make our System fit into the narrative of the House of Leaves system and how *they* worked. they were, in my opinion, much closer to the commonly thought of DID structure - lost time when others front, not aware of things others do or say up front. we don't experience this at all. all is truly one. so maybe we fall under the definition of what others call "median", but we really hate that idea. because hell, we are also certainly what they call a "gateway system", at the same time. and that's quite different an idea. hah. suffice it to say that headspace is weird and nobody can speak for the experience of any other people when it comes to plural stuff.

i hope that all of this didn't just come off as babbling word salad, and actually makes sense to read!

other things... we still don't really feel like living SUPER openly, just because... you have to explain so so much to every individual person you 'come out' to, and just, it's no fun having to explain everything all the time to people who just don't get it, even after you explain as best you can. it makes you feel like an exhibit on display, or a science specimen under examination. plus, it's frustrating to our autistic brain to lay it out exhaustively, but even when we take utmost care to explain it in the simplest terms possible, even then, they really aren't equipped to understand it. it's not that they don't get it, but that they can't, and it makes us feel really weird and alienated even though we're trying to do the opposite of that. it should be the opposite. but still has that effect. but i mean, it'd be the same trying to force someone's mind to grasp the concept of synaesthesia when their minds aren't shaped that way. and i think that's okay.
we've always been very private about such mental things, especially to people who don't get it. but they don't have to get it. there's no use stressing ourselves out trying to make people get it when they can't, even when they have the best of intentions and clearly want to understand and aren't judging me at all. it is enough for them to know and understand that i am not one but many, and to embrace that fact. they don't have to get completely neck-deep in the life of Hiraeth, get to know each member and who they are and why they are here. that is for us and us alone. and this is why we write, instead of trying to verbally explain it [most of us are poor with spoken words most of the time anyway]: so that after we die, we will live on in the minds of others, on our own terms, speaking our own truth firsthand.

so i'm on the couch, practicing going out of my comfort zone and putting my computer in different places around the house so i stop vegetating in one spot all day every day, it encourages me to move around more, whether or not i'm actually on the computer. if it's there in front of the chair i will sit down and end up refreshing and refreshing websites and getting steeped in executive dysfunction hell.

i have had a very bad couple of brain days, and been in a general depressive episode more or less for a week now, with some ups but mostly downs. everything feels bad and i feel incapable of doing much at all to fix it. it doesn't show signs of letting up anytime soon, not until we get this money situation sorted out. it'll happen. even if it happens at a snail's pace. no matter what happens between now and then.

i watched that charlie's angels movie that came out in y2k [it was shitty yet worth watching, just like i remembered, thx everyone, the year 2000 was a blessed time] and i'm just sitting wrapped up in my huge, massive waffle weave blanket

and the blanket is only like a month old but already has three holes in it from murphy's teeth [me being stupid and leaving it out where he could get to it overnight once, i know damn well he tears up any fabric he can get his jaws on], and then two days into my depressive episode this weekend, i tore one corner of it on our metal bedframe. i was so upset with myself. but i sewed that one up because the tear was a perfect 90 degree angle and easy to sew up.

but the cat holes are still there, the weave is tricky and loose and not easy to sew shut, and i don't really want to wrinkle the pattern with my inept seamster skills.

i said ALL of that just to say that just now, i lifted my arm up and underneath i saw some of the frizzled frayed fibers poking out from where the cat teeth rent them, and somehow, their imperfection felt like home to me. i'm not sure i have the heart to patch or sew it up now. it's kind of like the rest of my tiny apartment, like my body, like my life - a little battered around the edges, imperfect, very much lived in, not exactly as i would like to have it in an ideal situation... and utterly mine.

so yesterday we went through hell to do it, but we still did it: band practice. it was confusing and nerve wracking and good, so good. and like, i can definitely feel that it kickstarted some deep headspace feelings. because of course it does, music always does and always will and that's how it should be.

that night felt the Toy Soldier again, thank god, it's been a while, i miss that week or so when he was around regularly. i forget what was said, i was falling asleep, but there was so much of his face so close to mine, those pale shadowed eyes boring into my heart. something about making things real again. something. it was like a dream in that way that it feels so real and then later you can't remember.

been thinking about dreams a lot lately, in general. i used to write down every single dream i had. like right away. it's harder when the computer isn't literally right beside your bed anymore, but i still should do that. as much as i possibly can. especially when i nap, because i dream PROFUSELY during naps, and less so during proper sleep.

been struggling to meditate/tap into headspace the last while... today especially my mind has felt like a confused tangle for no apparent reason. you just get those days sometimes. the more you try to mess with it the more stressed and frustrated you get, and you don't solve anything. so what do you do instead? play No Man's Sky and then Klonoa for hours. yes good. [i'm further in klonoa than i've ever gotten and i don't know exactly how far i am now? but i'm legit terrified of reaching the end LOL... that said, i am much better at figuring out certain puzzles than i was in middle school bc those used to make me spit and scream with frustration]

i don't know if i've talked about it much?? but August was a month of incredible [for us] social communication. i talked to so many new people, or people that i hadn't talked to enough beforehand. like five or six, some of which being multiples??? holy shit that's a lot

only online, but hell, that isn't meaningless at all. and it's a lot easier than in person. even though some of these people, i want DESPERATELY to hang out in person, but i would have to figure out some way that isn't scary and dissociative for both of us... i am thinking of the Lightrayes in particular here. both of us have issues being social and truly ourselves hah. maybe after a long time of talking and trust developing across entire systems, maybe. maybe. but let me tell you, meeting another System in person, especially one that you already know, is *incredible*. electrifying. exciting and fascinating beyond measure. godddd i want to do it again lol

it's a tricky thing to befriend a whole System. there are always corners of it that want nothing to do with you, that think you are probably a threat and out to get them. i know that. from the beginning, i know that. and there is no sin in that, either. it's pretty normal. i think multiples are just more honest about their shadow-selves than singlets can be.

but think about it though. late night talks of System stuff, but in person. in quiet voices, in a dark room with warm soft lights, or something. over tea maybe. yes yes.

back to headspace... i really, really miss some of my boys. Kris and Owen ring a bell as two who used to be around a lot more than they are these days. it's just how it goes, but god i miss them. their anchors aren't strong these days. but Kris at least, will never leave. this month actually makes his ten year anniversary. hot damn. i wonder if he'll come up and i can offer him a cigarette?
we keep a pack of cigarettes on hand for extremely special occasions, usually as rare treats for Kris. we don't smoke in general. but on things like holidays, a couple of times a year we might visit a hookah bar, and even more rarely Kris gets a cigarette. because in headspace he has an incredibly bad smoking habit lolll. so eeeevery once in a blue moon he gets to indulge outside. very rarely. it's been a measure of learning to trust himself that he knows they're in the house and never smokes them.
we also had a system-wide fear of nicotine addiction since childhood, and keeping them around, as well as smoking our first one ever and not getting hooked, has kinda helped us get over that fear. a lot. which needed to happen

sometimes i question why is me, Oliver, who gets to stay out front almost all of the time? why is it 'oliver and company' that's the joke lol? because i'm so shy, awkward, introverted. so unsure of myself. sooo exhausted by social existence. sometimes all i want is to go inside like the rest of them do and forget this physical life.
but i know. it's wordless, but i feel a deep sense of purpose, my Purpose in the context of headspace, if i listen hard enough. all those years of church doctrine told me about that "still small voice", but nothing ever taught me what that felt like before headspace. now i know exactly what that sounds like. it doesn't tell me to feel guilty about stupid things, though. it tells me that i am a pollinator. a creator. i know. i am the wheel of the great ship Broken Arrow.

i am its heart.

some dream-like recollection of last night, the Toy Soldier holding my own heart, or core?, or something out before me, some part of myself that was shimmering blue and pink and like glitter and water in a glass sphere. heartbreakingly perfect in its beauty. magical and brilliant with its own light. and he held it and spoke to me of purity. and i asked him if all of us were like this, if everyone in Hiraeth had a core? if i did? but there the dream becomes disrupted and i can't recall...

instead of rambling on twitter, i should post coherently through here.

i find that i'm really good at asking nicely, especially through text or if given a little while to parse my thoughts out in the most gentle and friendly way. i hope that this sort of inviting demeanor doesn't change when i become more masculine. because while it does cause people to hit on me because i'm very accomodating and warm by nature [despite the untrue accusations of being "cold" always flung at me by parentals], it also gets me in where other people would be rejected because i'm [at my best, anyway,] able to very calmly and understandingly get my point across and avoid the other person feeling invalidated in any way. making other people feel good about themselves is a strong anchor for me. and also helps you get what you want. esp if you really believe the things you tell them haha. you don't HAVE to believe them, but i much prefer to tell people good truths about themselves rather than nice lies.

i mention this because a blog that i follow on tumblr [they might be a mutual? i forget, i pay so little attention to notes these days] has some interesting abstract sort of kintypes, like space-kin and god-kin and i was really curious about what that feels like. because i can't QUITE relate to either one to be honest. and i wanted to know, so i sent an ask. and i very gently, while maintaining that i was curious only and not critical [understandably, people are quite touchy about weirdos on tumblr asking them about their kintypes, since there's endless trolling around this subject] and actually i got a response later saying they'd love to answer when they get home! and i felt like the positive response was because i have this talent for phrasing a question in a very gentle, warm and positive manner. and i should put this talent for words into use. i am very good at asking delicate questions without offending people. i'm looking forward to their in-depth response when they get home later, i always love their mixes on 8tracks that they share about their experiences with such things. even if i can't relate i really enjoy it.

although maybe i can relate more than i admit readily. the idea of being a [rising, slowly self-acknowledging, coming into one's own power] deity in one's own headspace. is not unfamiliar to me.

it's really nice to be able to recognize things that you are good at and just flatly state them, objectively. be able to put forward what your skills and talents are and just know in your heart that they're true. and that you're not fluffing yourself up, making more of yourself than you really are, or any such thing. and not lying to yourself in an effort to "fake it til you make it". none of that. just straight up: i'm good at this. this is what i'm good at. i'm good at delicately asking personal questions or gently breaking bad news when i have to.

and it's really nice to be able to reject people's opinions of you as straight up false. untrue. wrong. i used to think that all people's opinions about ME and how i live my life were equally valid and worthy of consideration. but guess what, past self, that is completely false. it feels really good to just throw them carelessly away and no longer regard them as even possibly true. that old belief that maybe it's TRUE that i'm cold, selfish, cruel, arrogant, hateful, mean, unwilling to listen and stupid, maybe all of those things are TRUE because people that i highly respect expressed these opinions about me. since i respect them that means their opinions mean something, right? and that means i should take them into consideration. well, dear past self, you are wrong. and anyone who tells you such things about yourself needs to be kept at arm's length at best and is not your friend. i'm not saying don't ever listen to criticism but you KNOW what kind of person you are. you KNOW that you are a gentle and warm and loving person. you perform this function 100% of the time, you never fail to be caring and thoughtful and kind. sometimes TOO caring, TOO thoughtful and TOO kind for your own good. and if people report to you that they experience the opposite, review those reports with high suspicion. they are very likely lies told to you for any number of cruel reasons. remember the people who told you these things; review over the years who they all were and what things they had in common. their relationships with you. bad teachers, bad bosses, bad family members, all of them disease ridden unhealthy connections that are best cut off.
and not only that, but look at the care with which you take others' opinions into consideration, even TERRIBLE cruel "opinions" about what kind of person you are for god's sake. even taking crap like that seriously, that stuff proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are a very empathetic and considerate human being who listens to others and takes their opinions seriously always. like, to a fault sometimes! nevermind all those awful lies told to you about how you never listen to anyone's advice, hardheaded, stubborn blah blah blah. all bullshit. you know the truth, you know that you are an observant and caring person who listens sometimes TOO much to the thoughts of others. you are a kind, thoughtful and sensitive person, and these are not empty flattery but absolute truth, about younger me as well as current me.
you are so kind and caring and empathetic about others' feelings that you worry yourself to death about how other people see you or think about you or how you come off to them. you used to stay up all night making yourself sick with weeping over the fact that no matter how hard you listened and tried to follow your parents' advice, no matter how hard you SHOWED them that you listened you were invariably told anyway that you were stubborn and deaf to any advice given to you. that used to give you migraines from stress. all these things are absolute proof that you are a good and sweet and big-hearted person and none of these things are empty words to try to guide you into behaving how you "should", these are flat facts.
this is how you learn to love yourself.

daily life:

bb and i went out for lunch together because he doesn't have much more free time before renaissance festival season starts. lunch at the Diamond is always so good, and we always eat too much hahah but it's worth it. i had a whole pile of fried pickles that were delicious and perfect. and okra that was also perfect. [omg it's okra season 8D] and they gave me my fish sandwich on this hoagie-type roll instead of the usual, and it turned out to be almost better and held together better than the regular sandwich. and the waitress was super nice and i love the big dude from the kitchen who came out to hand me our fried pickles that i always see around there.
and then bb decided to play songs on the jukebox, some old nostalgic Motown-y music that he always remembered from childhood trips to the beach, and only wanted two songs out of three plays that he paid for, so he let me request one. and i found September by Earth, Wind and Fire and that's how i ended up playing EWF to the entire restaurant inside and out and experiencing the pure joy that is September. and thinking what a positive influence my old band teacher Mr Wallace was to my appreciation of mid 20th-century "black" music genres and their HUGE cultural importance and contribution to what pop music and all music became and is becoming. just this three minutes of pure joy. i love September and I love EWF and I love the music that black american culture produced throughout the twentieth century and i love that i went from growing up in a very racist household to being exposed to the pure joy that is blues, jazz, R&B and various pop genres because of having a black teacher with these interests. and the kind of music he exposed me to via media and choosing such music for the band to play. not only did i gain an appreciation for music as an art form and all kinds of classical music, but the way i grew to adore and respect black music through the decades and the vital role that it has played in the evolution of music as a whole just... man! lemme tell you. someday i wanna tell this to him personally. tell him how he helped one random little eleven year old white kid expand their horizons musically and culturally so far beyond the sheltered way they were raised. [edit: after finishing this entry i did exactly that through facebook hahaha. cuz i'm feelin emotional about it right now. love for ya.]

then we hopped around two antique stores. the first one had a creepy old-people smell and the store owner made me mildly uncomfortable [and did that thing that antique store owners do often to young people in their shop, and watch them like a hawk in case they steal or break anything. i've actually been refused entry to an antique store before by its owner because i 'wasn't eighteen' and even when i proved to her that in fact i was, she still wouldn't let me in cuz i was SCARY LOOKING, but anyway:] and the music playing was very 1940s and creeped me out a lot, in the way that that crooning simpering-female-vocals-plus-strings music from that period often does for some unplaceable reason. but the second shop was very nice and had lots of cool things, including many awesome instant cameras. [one of them had half a pack of Super Old Expired Film from Kodak[???] still in it, that of course was dead and would not shoot. i opened it up and removed the film, and the store owner caught my eye and told me that that was the film. and i laughed because of course i wouldn't know what a pack of instant film looks like, except that i happened to be intimately familiar!]
the only thing that made this shop much less awesome was as we left, the store owner... kinda drilled us about why we didn't buy anything and made a comment that all day today he had seen "nothing but deadbeats" in his store?? which was... i almost thought i misheard him, wow that was some bad customer service haha. i was slightly miffed by that. and i definitely won't forget it, what a poor last impression you made on us. people window shop for many reasons you know, and if you hadn't said that to A Customer's Face, then maybe we would have come back and bought some of the cool books [and beautiful accordion and concertina!!!] for very fair prices that you had! and now i doubt we will. at least not if you're behind the counter, grizzled old white dude who watched football on a tiny old tv!
[addendum: this store has two and a half stars on yelp and several reviews complaining about the store owner's "jokes" or attitude some days. oh my. apparently this is just how he runs the joint. that's unfortunate]

side note: i should definitely try to get my car fixed up and running reliably again by next week if possible, or as fast as i can. after next week, he won't have any days off, truly, for two months. working five days a week and then all weekend at the renaissance festival, for the next two months. including the last weekend of september. so he's only got one more weekend before that season begins. it's gonna be a whole lot of fun but his lifestyle will change somewhat, and thus so will mine. i'm going to have to definitely be more independent when it comes to getting out of the house and having fun or doing work or anything. and consider that alright.

i'm feeling very calm and centered today. i did have some "brain swerves" at times - when you just start feeling your brain reel towards irrational fear and stressful thoughts for no reason, then usually clearing away after a few minutes - but they passed quickly enough. i'm slouching and not keeping good posture and feeling kinda restless and uncomfortable again, but instead of agitating my depression like it often does, there's just this pervading feeling that i'll float through all of my problems and arrive at the other side intact. which i gotta say is really nice. i want to be able to hold onto this peaceful feeling. and not even give thought to the idea that i can't.

feel like i'm doing so much growing, so much learning. and decided that yeah, i basically took september off from life. from fiscal responsibility. after this month ends is when i'll start job hunting again. start putting that part of my life back up and running. start working out what to say about why i quit my job. and because of my talent for carefully phrasing words together [!!], i think i can make this work. with a little help from people like my stepsister and mentor in all things job related. she's so damn good at getting jobs that i'll always envy her. she's one of those extroverted introverts like my girlfriend, where people EXHAUST her but if you didn't know better, you couldn't tell cuz she's so loudly social.

also, the other day, i don't know if i wrote about it but my friend Stef came up to the house and i did a commission piece for her, she modeled nude [plus some knee high rainbow stripey socks haha] and i sketched her. and it was a lot of fun, she paid me money plus a cheap dinner. and i took her to save point and she loved it, as does everyone that i take there lol. also i showed them where i was accidentally double-charged for a small item last time, and no questions asked i got enough store credit to buy a SNES game for a dollar. i love that damn store.
and i also gave her my Big Swinger 3000, my first polaroid camera that's super old and in great shape but film basically doesn't exist for it these days. she said she'll take shots with it but who knows if that'll really happen. regardless i've been wanting it off my hands for a while now that i have a camera that actually takes film and works lol, and i think she'll take care of it. [ironic because during our trips to the antique store today i found many old Polaroids [and a Kodak Handle omg, look those things up they were some controversy] from the Big Swinger era!]
i found out today upon arriving home that when she left my apartment she... hung out and smoked a blunt with my neighbors. and showed them my sketch of her, and now the wife really wants to model for me too haha. i don't... really care to get involved with them, they are nice to me but they have a lot of drama and i refuse to get mixed up in it. but thank god she assures me that she's not interested in getting close to them. cuz that's just not... a twist of fate that i want in my life haha. they are probably good people but i want to enjoy the good in them from a distance because the bad is... pretty bad.

i really like reading the blogs of people that i'm totally unconnected with. i discovered that the Finsters bird blog of old that i used to read in like high school has vanished from the face of the internet after not being updated since 2011, and even with my googling skills [another talent! it rarely fails me, i know just what inputs to make to get what i want very quickly. i tell people i know how to tickle google] i couldn't find a hint of the owner or her birds anywhere. i have no idea what happened to them, but i wish them well. but in my google quest to find the birds and their owner[s], i found this total other blog written in a somewhat different style, but i wound up reading the chronicles of the blogger's divorce. and her upbeat tone even when she is having a hard time is really nice and inspirational for me. and maybe reading it has helped with this lofty mood i'm in right now.

other thoughts about: my parents, about the idea of blaming things on them and what level is 'acceptable' or justified, about "taking responsibility" for one's own actions. and the idea that... recognizing the effect of your upbringing on your adult life is almost criminalized by this culture and the message is often that you need to "grow up and accept that whatever you do is your own fault". which is really kinda toxic! the truth is that we are part nature and part nurture and that you choose every action that you take, but your motivations are shaped by your experiences. you are in control of all this. you are the center of your world and your own power. but the past is very real and it made you into who you are today for better or worse. the question is how much do you invite it into your life. how much do you acknowledge it. how much do you bring up, deal with, and process and move on.

wow this was such a long and introspective entry!! it's full of good thoughts. i've been typing for over an hour and i keep going back and adding more, and my fingers are actually tired, which never happens. i approve. let me have more days like this.

I'm Oliver.
I'm a witch. An atheistic pagan witch who worships dirt and trees and gods that exist in the mind but that have indomitable power. I shake and bend and burn to get my subconscious where it needs to go. I'm superstitious and I know it's all ultimately horseshit and I do it anyway because belief WORKS. Being a religious person with reverence everywhere and within me even totally without belief in outside gods is power.
I'm transgender. A femme-y trans boy with a rounded chest and big gorgeous hips and luscious thick thighs. These things will shift and change when I become more who I want to be, but I love my body and I love the feminine energy I was born with and the more I accept my male gender the more I feel and embrace this feminine power.
I'm queer. I no longer have a concept of someone being excluded from my attraction by gender alone. I have a type, sure, and the type can be summed up in one word - genderbender - LOL but I love boys and girls and girlboys and boygirls and others and whoever I want. It's a very freeing power.
I'm romantic. A hopeless romantic and I'm learning to embrace and love this aspect of myself. Learning that people don't hate my attention and in fact often enjoy it. Learning to find and respect the line instead of giving it the widest possible berth. Learning to see myself in a better light via improving my concept of how others think of me. And that my friends is power.
I'm polyamorous. It's natural to me and I've learned this. I can and do fall in love with multiple people and there is no shame, no guilt, no lies between anyone. I just went semi public about my second relationship and I'm so happy about it. I'm sharing myself with different people and they reflect myself back at me differently, and getting inside their heads just makes me fall more in love with each of them. This is real happiness and trueness to myself. This is my power.
I'm an artist. It splits my mind endlessly into more people and beings than I can count and I love each one of them. I tell their stories. I'm drawing more than I have in ages and it feels so good. It's what I was meant to do, to tell stories and create. I feel it in my bones. It's my true self and it's power.

If I could speak to myself from seven years ago - and if I try hard enough, I basically can - I'd tell him that power is not something to be afraid of. It's not something above your status. Not something you don't deserve. Not something evil that people only want because they're human and that being human is somehow innately evil because we're all "control freaks". YOU control your own life. You have to desire control and keep it that way. It's not only human but healthy. Feeling in control of your own life is essential for emotional health. There is no wrong or shame in that. I am finding my power and radiating my own self out from that center of power. And it makes me strong and true and let's be honest: drop dead sexy.

so my job honored my request off for the weekend.... kinda??? lol i got the whole weekend off EXCEPT saturday. which like on one hand i understand why they did that because they will really need as many people as possible that day. and they did give me a short night [in theory. i totally do not expect to get off on time lol]. BUT.... luckily, the REASON i asked off didn't end up working out, because i had planned to be in Atlanta this entire weekend so by doing that they would have really screwed somebody over on saturday night lol. luckily i am indeed in town and just gonna be enjoying a weekend mostly off, which i NEVER EEEEEEEEEEEVER get. so yes. i have friday, sunday and monday off this week.

since i have friday night off and bb is off too, we're making plans. thinking we're going down to union county to pick up my birthday present from my mom, and pay my insurance [i don't HAVE to go back down there anymore, but i mean if i'm gonna be in the neighborhood why not pay at the place i know lol], and get bb's paycheck, all that good stuff. AND i think we're gonna go see Mad Max because although it doesn't really interest me, bb is really interested and our friend Ales is making so much noise about it that i think i might like it if i go see it lol. so yeah our friday is gonna be an eventful one. yas good.

DUNNO what else to say except i've been thinking a lot about time management as usual and how when it gets down to two or three hours left til work, i have an issue where i never wanna do anything absorbing like art or video games because the next thing i know, time to go to work will sneak up on me and i don't want to either spend the whole time looking at the clock every five minutes watching time to go crawl slowly toward me [anxiety inducing], or god forbid, miss the time and be late [panic attack inducing]. so i should probably do these kinda things earlier in the day. like right now! maybe i will do just that.

thinking about traveling today. thinking about the South, and the city that i now call home. i realized last night, i was born in this city. [i think in the hospital near McAlpine creek park. i need to check that park out if it's right where i came into the world.] so it's really good that now i get to experience it more. and i'm learning as i grow older that traveling actually teaches me about where i come from just as much as it teaches me about the new places. like today i learned that Bojangles restaurants originated here in charlotte. which is crazy because i'm pretty sure they've been everywhere i've traveled, from WV to Florida, but they started here in Charlotte in the 70s. o_o also there's Cheerwine which is a soda made by a small-ish local company from the carolinas.

last night at work was really hard. so hard. i came a hair's breadth from shutting down completely, which hasn't happened in a long time. and tonight has the potential to be just as bad, maybe even worse. but the days are peaceful, and for that i'm so grateful. today bb and i got to hang out for the first time in several days, he's just been busy and not home all the time and it's been weird. but today we went to target and got me some work pants [i'm so not ok with spending $30 on pants that are just gonna get all greased up >:| but i needed em and goodwill just had nothing to offer me this time i guess] and shampoo and then ate Bojangles and it was good.

and that was when we got talking about the South and my weird adult-onset pride, or maybe just happiness at having been born here. i dunno. still picking out words to describe the interesting feelings there. like as a kid i had this phase where i was like YEAH COUNTRY YEAH SOUTHERN I GUESS for no... apparent reason? and i was really embarassed of that phase for a while so in my teens i was actively like WHATEVER I JUST HAPPENED TO BE BORN HERE, BEING PROUD OF IT IS POINTLESS IT'S JUST A MATTER OF CHANCE. which also makes sense. but now i'm in my 20s and i'm like you know what? this place has its warts. lots of them. the South has religion problems and politics problems and especially bigotry problems. and being born as a trans queer kid in the South has its own struggles. but like... idk. i feel good about having been born to this place, this life. i don't think i would have chosen a different path for myself. it's coming up really lovely so far. even though i have barely begun my transition to be more comfortable in my own skin... i'm happy right now. and i hope it can keep being that way because it's such a good feeling. looking back on my childhood, i can see the idealized Southern-ness of it all and it's a really comfy sort of memory haha. and like i said, moving away and traveling and growing up gives me perspective and makes me happier about being born to this life. and when i actually leave the South for the first time ever, which should be this summer, that will give me even more.

been repeatedly writing important things on a certain spot on my arm and realized that I need a tattoo there. think it will be like a scroll ribbon, but a long empty length so i can write whatever needs written on there whenever i need. just gotta figure out a good design or have someone do one for me. i'm still not confident enough to do my own tattoo designs to be on my own body haha.
but before i get that one done, my next tattoo will be the Broken Arrows sigil. the symbol of my System. the finalized tattoo design will be drawn by my best friend. that's some powerful magic and make no mistake. and i'm really excited to get it done. it'll be on my lower right leg near the ankle, i think. i would love to have it done by the time i go see her in August or whenever that happens, so she can see it. :D

Just some thoughts on the Toy Soldier. He's not like most other people in headspace, although he's not unique, either. He's a ghost, or at least that's what we've termed him. He's not the remaining spirit of someone who was once alive, so he's not REALLY a ghost. But. His existence is different than, say, mine or Hiccup's. And when it comes to fronting, he doesn't. I don't think the front could be occupied by only him [and the Autopilot, who is also not a person, but is also literally always there even when the two of us are around].

He possesses. So far that I know he only possesses ME. I think he's "my" ghost, in that he basically exists for me and/or whoever's currently the Core. He's been referred to as the ghost of marching band, referring to that period in my [read: mostly Thirteen, Kyo and Vernon's] life that changed us forever.

[For those wondering: when the Core shifts, yes it will still be ME. I'll still know who you are and all that. Still have my memories and probably like/dislike most of hte sme things. But I might, idk, take on a new name or style or personality quirks or possibly gender presentation, although I'm hoping the latter won't change too much >_>. And Oliver might show up sometime in the future as his own being, but still 'me'... that's kinda hard to say in simple English LOL. The important thing to know is that this is all a working theory and it may have stopped being a phenomenon now, who knows?? The Core may never change again, we don't know.]

He's also a ghost in that he haunts. Very often 'ghosts', as is the term, outside the body, which is not something many of them do nowadays. Sits in the back seat of the car, sweeps along behind me with his cape trailing off invisible. Catching my eye from under the shadow of his shako brim, sometimes. [Like yesterday when I realized that this year NightBeat, the local DCI competition was in going to be in fucking Winston-Salem AND NOT CHARLOTTE WHERE I'M MOVING TO LIKE IT IS EVERY OTHER YEAR UGH. Heavily considered not going. Then saw a glint of smoky grey Toy Soldier eye staring at me. Nope. I have no choice.]

Sometimes I'll be busy with life stuff and FEEL the jacket over me, nothing more, just feel as if I'm wearing the uniformed jacket with crossbars over my chest and hard collar at my throat, or the strap of the shako under my chin. Instinctively straighten up and calm myself as if meditating.

I pretend that it's not drums that do it but it is. It's drums. I mean it's literally just Music in general that does it to me, all music, but the most important ingredient is drums, or bells, or sometimes the right dramatically increasing crescendo swell will take me under immediately. The first sign you can tell Toy Soldier is taking me is that I begin shaking in the hands. I'm told my eyes dilate. When I feel like I'm able [or simply can't help myself] I stomp my feet really hard as well. When I'm not able to let him take me fully, and I have to hold back, often I end up unconsciously self harming a little bit via digging my nails in or biting or scratching. [It's ok, it's just something that happens, not ~meaningful~ or anything just shit that occurs when this goes on, don't worry.]

So yeah. Closest thing I've experienced to being "god-ridden" of sorts, hah. It's enjoyable and like everything else in headspace seemingly, it happens for a reason.

Edit to add 2 things:

He isn't JUST a ghost but I have very strong suspicions that he's risen over time to the status of headspace deity. Like Trolley, it seems the deities I know best revolve around the front or around the Core spot specifically, which makes sense since that's my area, and also just makes me wonder how many gods are out there in headspace that have little to nothing to do with me, that I've yet to discover.

Also reminding myself that when the move is settled in, the Toy Soldier NEEDS a shrine in the new place. Just a little one is fine. I'll have to work a little to find a good centerpiece for it, but anything will do for now. I have plenty of material for it and it will build itself naturally as shrines always do.

[Random note, some HTTYD soundtrack came on and someday I need to discuss how STRONGLY my synesthesia relates the wandering notes of Toothless's theme to the arc of his head, back and tail. Seriously. I need to draw that out somehow and depict it because I HEAR the shape of his body in those notes.]

WHOOP didn't update for a few days. actually kind of a good reason for that BECAUSE:

slowly started packing on saturday, got my books packed up, then about an hour before i had to go to work stepdad came in and said he wanted us to move half the room so he could tear up the floor. like, right then. when i was already tired from packing up the bookshelf and about to go into the worst night of the week. like... wellp. so that happened and i was freaking out of my mind tired at work. and then yesterday, sunday, we moved the other half of the room and got officially moved out and such. so sunday morning was my last night sleeping in that room.

they tore up my bedframe. the one i've had since i was 11. has the names of old loves and long gone headmates scratched into the headboard. i knew it was coming but i'm still sad about it. and it rained today and i just watched the headboard outside get ruined and it made me sad. i'm a sentimental thing. this morning when i got home from work i took the hooks out from the wood, the ones i screwed in years ago by hand. so at least i have that.

so yeah now we're in this little room for a while. it's very tiny. less than half the size of the old room. other than the size and the weird smell in here it's ok. i can deal with it for 6 weeks. even if i have to spend 2 or 3 of them alone ugh. because bb still has to be gone by the 28th for... some reason... i still don't understand why he has to move out two weeks before i do like it makes a difference at all... who knows all i know is soon i'll be done dealing with all of this poop and instead i get to deal with the poop of leasing offices and such :v

arty seems to rather like the new room. even though he was very stressed out and confused yesterday and we left the house for a bit to escape the sound of my bedframe being shredded [we went to Red Bowl and got SO MUCH goddamn sushi it was glorious], and when we came home and opened the door he was SO happy and opened his wings and made kissy faces at me with his neck stretched out and let out the most loud and heartfelt "PRETTY BIRDDDD" that i've ever heard. im cry it was so sweet. baby ;^; but now today he is climbing all over everywhere, climbed in my jewelry box and rustled around all of the necklaces. and discovered THE CLOSET. oh my god i forgot how much he loves closets. he's had one for all of like 6 months of the time he's lived with me. and he LOVES to climb around in the hangers and nest in the necks of jackets and omg. it's so fucking cute. makes clucking chicken noises and lasers and. baby bird. i love him so much. my feather son.

uhhh what else. wORK KEEPS HAPPENING i'm finally off tomorrow but it's gonna be just like last tuesday, where i don't get a whole lot of sleep because we gotta wake up early to go into charlotte. only this time it might be slightly worse LOL because i'm in this new room and so far i can not sleep at all in here. BUT... it'll be worth it. all these sleepless nights are worth it. going to sign the lease tomorrow. tomorrow i should officially have an apartment to my name. yessss.

last night i was feeling super freaking sentimental and shit idk. i was really tired and my brain felt like a void, not just empty space but like a big disconnect between my brain and my senses. it was hard to focus on hearing or sight. and my connection to headspace was really really tenuous so i had to front pretty much alone the whole time, although i could at least hear and interact with the others some. but i made it through work anyway somehow.

but late last night i sent Bird like this big looong heartfelt text hahaha. idk i have just been feeling like i'm too clingy and been self conscious about texting people too much and getting on their nerves or pushing them away somehow. and i have no idea if it's at all based in fact or just my brain telling me lies or... idk at all. so i just wanted her to know that she's not obligated to talk to me if she doesn't have anything to say. i was just having all these feels about getting animals to trust me, what a learning experience that was for me. learning as i grew older to reach out to touch and not to grab hold. reaching out to be met halfway. that's how you earn the trust of a wild thing. idk i'm getting self conscious writing all this hahah. ugh i hope any of this makes sense. i'm SO SILLY help lots of stuff i want to say but don't even know how.

so yeah... been spending today slowly putting the room together. two thirds of my things are downstairs/packed up, because this is such a temporary arrangement it's pointless to get everything out and then put it back. so. i'm just glad i finally had a relatively normal and chilled out day because the last two or three have been SO busy and crazy. and tomorrow is a big day too. so for once i got to breathe today. and it's already almost over siiiggghhh. at least i work only until 5 [read: 5:30] and not 6 this week so i get 5 hours sleep instead of 4???? lol??? that is if i manage to fall asleep relatively quickly.

Also, a thought that I had about my recurring problem with my jokes feeling way too serious when I deliver them...

It's not your delivery. When you make it a point to only open your mouth when you actually have something important to say - when you only say something when you really mean it - then the expectation becomes that when you say something, you really mean it. Aka, it's hard to joke when you make a point in being earnest.

Double edged sword. Trustworthy, but a little too serious.

I think I made a very important observation just then.

edit: So I guess this is how I end January, a very productive month of updates to start the new year. Well then. The next month is definitely... going to be a month of some amount of strife and turbulence. Possibly the next two months. But I'm going into them with a sense of relief, knowing that the only way to get across the mountain is to climb.
Tonight I'm downloading a couple of podcasts onto my ipod for the first time [yesterday was a year since I got this little thing, and been in love ever since!], including Night Vale, because yes. Looking for a really good pagan podcast, and the idea is kinda stirring in my head that maybe I, or bb and I could have our own podcast someday. I wanted to make my own pagan radio station once, and the idea hasn't left my head, so maybe I can combine two interests together, my spirituality and my interest in audio/radio. We'll see what the future holds. For now, it's time to make some hard strides. Big ones, important ones, but no less tough.

a thought:
i don't believe in the sentient universe, or a god or being or force out there that's "pushing me in the right direction". i don't believe in things being "meant to be" or "destiny" or "divine purpose". and yet i feel like everything, every law of nature is forcing me towards accepting that art is what i need to do. i should not give up on my work with animals but i feel like the universe, although i don't believe it can teach lessons or give advice, is teaching me a lesson and giving me advice. it's just that... it's the universe within that's doing this, and manifesting to me as the universe without.

a thought:
the beauty of this is that i don't have to try and go over and manipulate my words so that they make sense for others reading this. because even if they read this later this is just for me, by me, to me.

a thought:
i have a universe inside me and sometimes it spills out, and that's ok. in fact that's more than ok. that's desperately needed. it HAS to come out sometimes. and that is art. and that is life.

a thought:
i am very serious about stopping the flow of self-depreciation when i show others my art, or when i talk to myself or anyone about my art. or for that matter anything i do in life. "well it's not very good" "it's very silly" "it's just a sketch" stop. stop that. do not do that. remember when you were asked at work what gift you picked out for your partner and you told them it was a plush pokemon toy and they laughed, not to be mean but just because they thought it was so silly a gift? and you agreed, you said yes, it is very silly? never do that. do not do that. don't be overly serious, don't get offended when people laugh at your life. but don't deflate yourself either. smile at their laughter. know that they could never, never know the universe within and its glories. and remember how much he has treasured that toy in the nine months he's had it. remember how much it means to him even now. that has had a far greater impact than that moment of harsh laughter in reflecting on your life and your intentions.

a thought:
social media: off. youtube and netflix: off. music: on. art: on. writing: on.
however: social media, youtube, netflix, etc are not evil or bad or unhealthy. unhealthy is the misuse of those things. unhealthy is the use of them to block out art. to stop up the flow of blood. those things are bad and must be stopped. like today.

a thought:
speak until there's nothing left to say.
create until nothing is left to create

a thought:
when i refer to the flow of blood i mean art. art is blood. blood is life. without blood you will die. with artists, if you stop the flow of art you will slowly die. from the inside out. i made an extremely valiant attempt at suicide via three to five years of almost no art. slowly strangling myself. the noose was made of self doubt and cruel thoughts and words from my mouth to my ears. like "you can't do art today, because [excuse]" and "that idea is stupid, i will be embarassed if i actually put it down on paper. best to forget it."
but the flow of blood is returning. the grasp around my neck is weakening.

a thought:
do art until you explode. do art until there is nothing left inside you. fill yourself entirely with art.

a thought:
keep it secret. keep it safe. never show anything to anyone unless and until it feels safe to let the secret out. that time may be never. and that's fine.

a thought:
never enter a stop codon unless you are absolutely sure you want to cap off the train of thought. let the nucleotides continue to build until you are completely ready and sure.

a thought:
i am vibrating. i am driving myself into a frenzy. which is good. which is how it ought to be. art is an affliction. art is an ocean. glorious and fine

a thought:
absolutely destroy the thought that you look silly. choke that thought to death. you fill yourself with artistic drive and you become a god of ken and there's NOTHING silly or derpy or frivolous or egotistical about that. you are a creator in the universe within. you ARE a deity. and then you open your 3DS to play animal crossing. and that is life. full of contradictions. there is no contradiction in being a creator ken deity that plays faithfully their cute animal game. none.

Profile

the Broken Arrows

December 2017

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
					1	2
3	4	5	6	7	8	9
10	11	12	13	14	15	16
17	18	19	20	21	22	23
24	25	26	27	28	29	30
31

Syndicate

Style Credit

Style: Enchanted Forest for Corinthian by momijizukamori

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags

Page generated Aug. 19th, 2025 03:06 am

T. B. A. S.

Book of Days

Entries tagged with thoughts

headspace thoughts and stuff

//

//

091315

pa-pa-power

052115

031515

there's a light

020915

(no subject)

091414 2