T. B. A. S.

late night thoughts

listening to rain and God Is An Astronaut simultaneously and it's real good

i slept for like 2 hours from 8-10 pm, and then mason invited me to bed, and i meant to go, but.... whoops i haven't gone yet and it's nearly 1 am lol. eh, when you work the graveyard shift your sleep schedule is eternally fucked

watched Pokemon the Movie 2000 on vhs today to abruptly break off some bad brain weather that was happening because of assholes setting off explosives in the parking lot [in broad daylight! i don't even get to look at the pretty colors, you just make awful loud noises and trigger me for no reason >:T]. but it was an IMMENSE help. like instant mood improvement. so good on me for that possibly crucial change in our mood for the day!

watching videos on tape just has this weird rightness to it. my heart is, as always, utterly ruled by nostalgia. Kris and Bird were completely shit talking me about it last night lmfao I SAW YOU. i saw you.



speaking of Kris.
i'm pushing him. he's always been the one to push me, to force me, violently if he had to back in the old days, but now i'm the one doing him that favor. i want him to open up again. i know how he is. and i know that after Poe, after for the first time in his life he let himself open up and get attached to someone outside our System.... and now he's effectively dead. gone. almost certainly not coming back. he was talking to Bird the other day about "you dreamed him once, can't you dream him again?" - and don't forget, Kris, you and Bird are friends now yourselves! so you certainly aren't friendless. i know it's not the same and i know you think she's just clinging to you because you remind her of Poe, and honestly, vice versa. but it's still so meaningful. and i love it. keep talking to her. even if you both like to talk shit about me. :p

so yeah. i'm talking to him about people outside our own System, some here in person, and some farther away. he has always been an extremely secretive person and locked away, but i know where his heart is, and i can always get through, pretty much to the exclusion of everyone else. just comes of being closer than skin since 2006, i suppose. we know each other like no one else. and i know damn well that he keeps a distance because when he loves, he loves HARD. VERY hard. he is a protector through and through, and many times i've seen him torn up beyond his ability to handle, because he can't protect someone he loves. so i think he tries to avoid loving people or caring about them, because for him, it's all or nothing. either he doesn't care about you, or he will lay down his life to protect you and if he can't do that he feels like a huge failure.

i also want to talk a lot about his whole.... sin thing??... repentance thing??? but i don't understand it enough to type it out right now. just, basically: Kris is dead, he remembers a life that ended badly with much guilt on his shoulders, and he's referenced a lot this idea he apparently has that him being here and his job as our protector is... atonement? somehow? for the sins he remembers committing. i won't go into detail about that here just yet. that's his confession to make. but it's ugly, and i suppose he feels like he's making up for it here. i think it's nonsense, and he is in a place of love, not punishment or atonement or whatever [i've asked him many times if he thought this was hell, which of course he has always said no, and yet...]. we adore him and we would be a fraction of who we are without him. but for god's sake, man, open up. i'm working on it. i'm good at opening people up. very slowly, very delicately. but that's what indigo energy is all about. [another topic for writing! aah!] it's the absolute sappiest, goopiest, most obnoxiously warm and fuzzy, lovey-dovey energy you could ever want. and i'm going to dunk you in it until you fucking open up to people. EVIL LAUGHTER.

but yeah Kris maintains that he is a Satanist, but honestly, he seems disturbingly christian to me sometimes???? [not that being christian is disturbing, no it's just, WEIRDLY out of character for him or so i thought, he is still full of surprises after eleven years] and i super want to figure that shit out?? i think he just likes the idea of Satanism, but he's no Tori. that girl is fuckin serious about it lol. he should take some lessons from her i suppose. [if you aren't aware, Satanism is not an evil religion, or even having much at all to do with the christian quasi-deity Satan, but about serving the self and focusing on the self in order to better the world around you, basically. i'll go into it later if anyone wants. woohoo, religion nerdery!]

i am ALSO going to laugh at you forever if you actually are some kind of christian because A: is ANYONE here christian? and B: it'd be one more similarity to Ronan and i don't know if the world could take it if you were any more like him. are you gonna start taking us all to mass kiddo? [you should see the absolute death glare i am currently receiving]

ha so there. i'm spilling your guts on livejournal. that's what you get for teasing me about "being in love". fuck u. and no i do not admit by typing this that you're right, stop asking me that. dickhead

[at this point we literally bicker like an old married couple. it's the worst LMAO. and it's EVEN WORSE when he and Kyo are in a room together, holy shit.]


so yeah. thoughts on Kris tonight. my dumb minty boy. i love you and don't ever forget it. he's giving me the finger. :>

have not been updating properly booooo

had four hours of sleep last night [after an... altercation between kris and i that was very much unexpected hoho] and then at 7 am i just could not sleep any longer even if i wanted to, and i felt... wide awake. motivated. like, this is the opposite of usual. normally i have to drag myself out of bed even after ten hours. i wanna know how to make this happen again bc that sure was nice even though i'm kinda tired now.

so i got up and made breakfast and took a shower and it was almost like i was a normal person. haha. i really miss the dazzling sunlight shades of the hours of 8-10 am. it really is amazing and beautiful if you rarely get to experience those hours awake, like me. [although i suppose 5 pm, right now, is very beautiful in much the same way, but on the opposite side of the sky, if you often don't get to experience that hour for some reason.] anyway, i meant to draw but i... rather failed at that. but i was somewhat productive today.

went to walmart with bb to get a replacement exercise ball for our roommates, because SOMEONE sliced theirs with his claws on accident and made a hole. :[ and it turns out the ball we got is too big soooo i'm not sure what we'll do now lol. ugh. stuff like that makes me feel really guilty and panicky and my brain starts churning out unwanted thoughts all on its own about how my roomies regret signing the lease with me because of stuff like this and they don't want me or Murphy here blah blah blah. even though they're actually really chill about this stuff. my brain has been taught to do this all on its own. bleh.

took a nap around 1-2, might have to take another little one before i leave, we'll see. woke up to bb making us grits and eggs and some kind of mexican sausage that i didn't catch the name of, regardless it was delicious all mixed together in a bowl. i meant to go back to sleep after eating it but actually i had a random spark of inspiration [told you i've felt strangely motivated and neurotypical almost today >_>] and just... took down all the books out of my bookcases and rearranged them all by color. so i've got the whole spectrum going on now, complete with stuff on the shelves like toys and such to match the colors. it's pretty awesome. even if i had to break up series to get it right. >_> but we know where they all are though so it's okay. i have done this before for years and enjoyed it, it just feels right. although i haven't broken up the series like this before. but i think it's worth doing.

oh but yeah. last night hahaha. uhhh. let's just say me and kris kind of spontaneously did the do. like pretty much out of nowhere. i mean yeah he was in a pretty riled up and wired and excitable mood in general, but we didn't really even think of doing that, but then as we laid in bed and tried to fall asleep, suddenly we just looked at each other and just like that it happened??? hahaha. i guess it was just inevitably going to happen at some point. i had sort of a sense that it was coming, but not exactly like this >_> i have no regrets at all though. at least it calmed him the fuck down lol. i was a little unsure of what things would be like between us afterward, but it's actually... barely changed if at all lol. i mean once you go there with someone, it will always be a little different than it was before you made that bond, but that's all it is really. feels right almost, like that was just meant to end up happening and now it has and we can move on haha. or maybe do it again at some point who knows??? but yeah woke up this morning and in half consciousness he was there, and right as i woke up fully he was still there. he had been in front with me all night i guess. all four hours we managed to sleep. i blame him for that somehow lol. it's been a LONG time since someone has been cofronting with me right as i woke up for the day. just sitting there smugly chomping on his cigarette lolol u piece of poop. so yeah it's kinda nice to just have casual sexy times with friends, no hang ups, no strings attached, just go back to being p much normal after. there is such a terrible taboo on that phrase but like you can have sex with friends or others casually without being unsafe or irresponsible or shitty about it. that's dumb don't do that.


i dunno bird has been busy p much all day and i haven't been able to talk to her bc she's with a friend system and like. it's not that i'm a jealous person exactly but... idk i'm just clingy. i guess. there was a time when i would place expectations on people to keep up constant contact with me and that was unhealthy. i realize that now and i don't want to do that anymore. and yet i feel.. idk almost burned, almost withdrawal feelings when people don't talk to me for extended periods. and it's absolutely no one's fault but my own like this is just five hours what the hell brain calm it down. there will be plenty of time later to talk. and yet part of my mind goes 'what happened to living in the moment? in the moment i'm unsatisfied.' and like. the argument continues forever. i hate it i want to just be happy for any talking at all. no one is obligated to talk to me ever any amount. i will never force someone to send nothing-messages just as a means of keeping in touch again. i did that too much in the past. no one has to touch base with me if they don't feel like it no matter how much i want it. it's just hard to reconcile thoughts like this with trying to get rid of thoughts of being 'unworthy' or 'unimportant' or 'not powerful' which is a thing i'm trying to remove from myself... ya know.

got my first bit of holiday shopping done today. at the book lady i found the Narnia book that is missing from my mom's box set... it's sadly not the same edition so it will stick out, but she'll have the entire series again. hopefully she'll be happy about that.
i also got Clan of the Cave Bear in paper form, because that was one of the most important books i read last year and it left a mark on my mind. and a few cheap ones... Just So Stories by Kipling, and the pair, White Fang and Call of the Wild, by Jack London. when i was a young'n, i got these two books as a pair in a watered down simplified form. now, i was about 10 by that time and reading Tolkien with ease, so i really have no clue why i got a simple english version, but hey, whatever. i will read LITERALLY ANYTHING written from an animal POV.

what's been going on? i got groceries yesterday, at Grand Asia Market. i love that place so much. i got some supplies to make my own boba tea! kinda feel like trying that out tonight. :D as well as sushi supplies. i need to practice that more, i'm so bad at cooking rice. and i got some experimental ingredients to add to ramen/vermicelli, a first step toward weaning myself off instant noodles and making my own noodle dishes. :3

last night Roane texted me and mentioned how much she talks about me all the time to her friends and they were like asking who i was, and surprised that she has a guy friend, ahaha. i blushed a lot. because god i talk about her constantly to my friends too. and we talked rather seriously about me flying out there to Utah to hang out with her some time. i would totally do that no problem. get to meet her hawk Tempest, go see what the desert is like. never been out west before. out of all places, Utah... haha. mormonland. but i grew up going to a mormon church, so it's nothing new to me.

i'm adding my friends and headpeople to Tomodachi Life, as well as a few fictional characters and youtubers and such. it's pretty fun |D i'm having a good time with that game, it was a good purchase.

have not been doing much art at all lately, which is always bad no matter the situation. i need to do more. i need to not just say what i need to do.

i unno, not a whole lot to say! this is my 'weekend', and it's already almost over. /sigh.

i've got the water boiling and doing a little reading on how to cook and store bobas. it's more complicated than i'd expect! turns out bobas keep best WARM, not cold. that surprises me. you can only refrigerate them for about a day before they fall apart, they're apparently very sensitive to temperature. that's why they pour them in the bottom of the drink, you can't mix them into the drink itself, it seems.

oh! something else. i might purchase a vape here soon. i learned the other night that they actually make TONS of nicotine free liquids, and it's very easy to vape without it. from what i learned when i visited the shop, it's basically equivalent to decaf coffee. so i'd be that weird person who orders decaf, but... yeah. it will take some saving up, so i might get it with xmas money or something, after the first of the year. but yeah, that's a thing i'm looking into. :D
honestly, it's more than just an interest in a hobby. a big part of me is doing this for Kristanova. smoking is such a HUGE anchor for him, but we've never allowed nicotine into our body more than humanly possibly [e.g. secondhand smoke exposure]. it's going on ten years now. i owe it to him after all this time. it's been hard to find him lately, maybe he'll be closer to the front if he can "smoke" while outside.