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thebrokenarrowsIVE TOTALLY DROPPED THE BALL IM SORRY. im using twitter a lot and not taking time to sit down and recap my days cuz they just haven't seemed all that important although that's not true
but right now i just wanna vent some because i want to like have a long venty talk with someone about mental shit but no one's rly available right now so i'm just trying to feel a little better about some things lol
BASICALLY: i'm oversensitive about how much i eat out. which is too much. it's a bad habit bordering on addiction. every single night i say ok i won't do it tomorrow. then i wake up and i'm hungry and a place i want to eat pops into my head. and no matter what i do i'm not happy until i get it. it's fucked up and a drain on my money and like i can still pay my bills and stuff but it needs to stop. it's hurting my health and i'm SO paranoid about people noticing and yet again i worry too much what people think. like kris said yesterday/this morning.
and roomie popped into my room and noticed me getting ready to leave and conversation went basically?
"where ya going?"
"out."
"where to?"
"to get gas and lunch."
"we have food!" [fuck]
"... yeahhh but.. i have a hankering for--"
"jimmy johns?" [FUCK I DONT EAT THERE THAT OFTEN??? ;_;]
"... n-no. taco bell."
and like i want to stress she didn't mean ANYTHING by any of this. but it sent my issues into overdrive and i already had been bringing my bag so i could try to hide that i'm yet again eating fast food like every single day. because i'm really embarassed about it and now i KNOW they notice. which just makes it 10 times worse.
and then i got home and i'm almost done eating and she comes back in and puts Murphy in my room and [i stress: in a very friendly and sweet manner] takes the dishes that i was about to bring out there. she beats me to it. and again she's just being kind and helping me but GOD THIS SHIT REALLY FUCKS ME UP AND I WISH PEOPLE WOULDN'T DO THIS EVEN THO THEY ARE JUST BEING A FRIEND
bc it makes me feel like they think i'm depressed. and then bb agreed with me saying they probably do which totally TOTALLY DID NOT HELP AT ALL. so now i'm convinced they think i'm depressed and weak and need help and like
ok basically: this is multifaceted
one, i have put SO much effort into convincing myself that i'm strong and powerful and i can take care of myself. it was drilled into me from a very young age that i'm pathetic and can't handle life on my own and would always need the help of my abusers. it's REALLY REALLY HARD for me to feel like i can handle things on my own and that i have agency. so like people not even asking me, but helping me without a word... makes me feel like not only am i too weak to do things on my own but i'm too weak to even ASK for help if i need it. which. fuck.
OR two, beating me to cleaning things/helping me without asking if i need help feels so much like a passive sort of guilt trip. because for me, IT WAS, for so many years. one of those things where if you didn't do the thing in a reasonable amount of time you'd come to do it and find that it had been done for you and you KNOW, you're in for it later. you owe them now because they did this without even asking you if you'd forgotten, when you were going to do it, or whatever. so now i feel like i owe them, i'm their "slave" or whatever because of this which has nothing to do with them, just REAL SHITTY PROGRAMMING THANKS
and the angry kid is back cuz of this. i didn't talk about her but idk if she's a core or a temporary manifestation or what but she's been around for a few days. she's got things to say and she's gonna be here til they're said at the very least.
i don't know how to handle any of this, i dunno how to live with people who aren't constantly playing mind games and power plays and guilt trips with me. i don't know how to navigate normal human cohabitation. it fucks with my mind and it makes me almost miss being back with my abusers ain't that the most fucked up thing you ever heard. at least i know how to navigate that shit maze.
and like i'm yelling at my own self like I'M NOT DEPRESSED then i see the mess of my room and the state of my mind and i think i'm telling myself lies which just makes this whole fucking thing even worse. just feeling rly disempowered and helpless to change things right now. and then i get upset when anyone recognizes this fact from outside and tries to help. lol. fuck me.
it's awful that just a simple act of kindness makes all this shit happen in my head. how can i get rid of this without mind numbing drugs because i'm so not here for that.
when you're abused and manipulated regularly for 15+ years of your life, it lays the groundwork for everything you expect from people forever. you see power plays and manipulation everywhere, even where there is none, because anticipating it before it happened was a survival skill that you had to learn otherwise you would not have survived. combine this with what i know about my parents' mental stuff and their own anxiety problems and paranoia [and in the case of my father, i suspect some amount of schizophrenia] and there's just no escaping the fact that no matter how hard i try to reroute my fear i'll probably feel like the world is out to get me for the rest of my life and that really fucks me up so much.
sorry i came back after like 2 weeks of no updates with this shit. sorry.
but right now i just wanna vent some because i want to like have a long venty talk with someone about mental shit but no one's rly available right now so i'm just trying to feel a little better about some things lol
BASICALLY: i'm oversensitive about how much i eat out. which is too much. it's a bad habit bordering on addiction. every single night i say ok i won't do it tomorrow. then i wake up and i'm hungry and a place i want to eat pops into my head. and no matter what i do i'm not happy until i get it. it's fucked up and a drain on my money and like i can still pay my bills and stuff but it needs to stop. it's hurting my health and i'm SO paranoid about people noticing and yet again i worry too much what people think. like kris said yesterday/this morning.
and roomie popped into my room and noticed me getting ready to leave and conversation went basically?
"where ya going?"
"out."
"where to?"
"to get gas and lunch."
"we have food!" [fuck]
"... yeahhh but.. i have a hankering for--"
"jimmy johns?" [FUCK I DONT EAT THERE THAT OFTEN??? ;_;]
"... n-no. taco bell."
and like i want to stress she didn't mean ANYTHING by any of this. but it sent my issues into overdrive and i already had been bringing my bag so i could try to hide that i'm yet again eating fast food like every single day. because i'm really embarassed about it and now i KNOW they notice. which just makes it 10 times worse.
and then i got home and i'm almost done eating and she comes back in and puts Murphy in my room and [i stress: in a very friendly and sweet manner] takes the dishes that i was about to bring out there. she beats me to it. and again she's just being kind and helping me but GOD THIS SHIT REALLY FUCKS ME UP AND I WISH PEOPLE WOULDN'T DO THIS EVEN THO THEY ARE JUST BEING A FRIEND
bc it makes me feel like they think i'm depressed. and then bb agreed with me saying they probably do which totally TOTALLY DID NOT HELP AT ALL. so now i'm convinced they think i'm depressed and weak and need help and like
ok basically: this is multifaceted
one, i have put SO much effort into convincing myself that i'm strong and powerful and i can take care of myself. it was drilled into me from a very young age that i'm pathetic and can't handle life on my own and would always need the help of my abusers. it's REALLY REALLY HARD for me to feel like i can handle things on my own and that i have agency. so like people not even asking me, but helping me without a word... makes me feel like not only am i too weak to do things on my own but i'm too weak to even ASK for help if i need it. which. fuck.
OR two, beating me to cleaning things/helping me without asking if i need help feels so much like a passive sort of guilt trip. because for me, IT WAS, for so many years. one of those things where if you didn't do the thing in a reasonable amount of time you'd come to do it and find that it had been done for you and you KNOW, you're in for it later. you owe them now because they did this without even asking you if you'd forgotten, when you were going to do it, or whatever. so now i feel like i owe them, i'm their "slave" or whatever because of this which has nothing to do with them, just REAL SHITTY PROGRAMMING THANKS
and the angry kid is back cuz of this. i didn't talk about her but idk if she's a core or a temporary manifestation or what but she's been around for a few days. she's got things to say and she's gonna be here til they're said at the very least.
i don't know how to handle any of this, i dunno how to live with people who aren't constantly playing mind games and power plays and guilt trips with me. i don't know how to navigate normal human cohabitation. it fucks with my mind and it makes me almost miss being back with my abusers ain't that the most fucked up thing you ever heard. at least i know how to navigate that shit maze.
and like i'm yelling at my own self like I'M NOT DEPRESSED then i see the mess of my room and the state of my mind and i think i'm telling myself lies which just makes this whole fucking thing even worse. just feeling rly disempowered and helpless to change things right now. and then i get upset when anyone recognizes this fact from outside and tries to help. lol. fuck me.
it's awful that just a simple act of kindness makes all this shit happen in my head. how can i get rid of this without mind numbing drugs because i'm so not here for that.
when you're abused and manipulated regularly for 15+ years of your life, it lays the groundwork for everything you expect from people forever. you see power plays and manipulation everywhere, even where there is none, because anticipating it before it happened was a survival skill that you had to learn otherwise you would not have survived. combine this with what i know about my parents' mental stuff and their own anxiety problems and paranoia [and in the case of my father, i suspect some amount of schizophrenia] and there's just no escaping the fact that no matter how hard i try to reroute my fear i'll probably feel like the world is out to get me for the rest of my life and that really fucks me up so much.
sorry i came back after like 2 weeks of no updates with this shit. sorry.
