T. B. A. S.

i don't really wanna write but i guess i will write a few things cuz some system stuff went down

- last sunday the 4th Owen fronted ALONE??? like i left the front completely. not by much but it was a complete shift. true fronting. totally solo. it was by accident me and bb were running around getting stuff done [i was still kinda running on post-Utah trip high of GET MY LIFE FIXED!!!! so it was Time To Clean] and he showed up and was helping and then main fronted and i sat back and then... he realized that he was alone? i honestly can't tell you too much about what happened that day and the freakiest part is that i KNOW HE REMEMBERS. i know if you asked HIM, he remembers. what the hell.
- been trying ever since then to get this to happen again. i figure it's going to be like owen hopping systems, happens first entirely by accident and then gradually learn to get it to happen purposely. i want other ppl to front entirely on their own.
- owen in general is a mystery. how does he hop system. how the fuck. how does this work i have no explanation and honestly i don't care to prod it hard enough because it's one of those things that defies explanation tbh
- october 12th was suddenly marked as the anniversary of the night kris took his own life. we don't know what year that was. hell could have been this year who knows. he fronted and sat very tensely with a long length of rope and tied a noose just like then and just sat with it for a while. breathing so hard our mouth went dry. just to breathe. took a shot of rum and spent a long time talking with poe.
- one night the previous week, i watched the end of sense8 again and something about Wolfgang triggered such huge Kris feelings in me and i had to just pull him up and hug him and it ended up being a very long heart to heart. like go out on the porch body shaking while cofronting and talk for an hour in the cold kinda discussion. that genuinely seems to have changed something in him since then. he doesn't put up this front so much anymore. it's still there but it's like. you're in on it now. with me. he behaves this way toward poe too. he really likes that guy tbh. between this and the 12th kris has been up a whole lot lately and it's nice. he's such a solid fronter and he's working through so much nowadays.
- a really nice walk in the park yesterday [MY CAR IS ALIVE AGAIN HOLY SHIT it feels sO NICE to drive myself places] and Owen showed up and he sat with me and watched the sun set and listened to Bowerbirds together and it was such a really calm and nice moment. his vibe is so ridiculously calm, it's lovely. [My name it means nothing / My age it means less / The country I come from / Is called the Midwest]


non-BAS things:
- i've started talking to yves a bit more and it's nice. i like it a lot and i'm waiting for her to come back and talk with me again soon. i don't know if i think she'll be mad at me after the last one, or what. we'll see. i look forward to meeting her again in person too.
- honestly i'm already straining at the bit for the next time our systems meet in person hhhngh. roughly three weeks after the trip. i miss utah so fucking bad and i miss the House of Leaves so fucking bad.
- stuff... developing between me and poe??? lol uh. why did this shit wait until AFTER we were together in person for several days. god. i dunno what to tell you about all this except we just had this late night conversation admitting stuff that had up til then been unspoken and it just kind of allowed things to grow wild. am i in a triad now?? lol WHO KNOOOOWWWSSS. i certainly don't know. but i Care A Lot about that guy. that dumb guy who rode A WHOLE SKI LIFT with me and sat way the hell on the other side of it far away from me when we could have spent the entire time cuddling. [jk there was System Things happening but still. STILL. WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET THAT CHANCE AGAIN LOL. HOW STUPID AND ROMANTIC IS THAT SHIT.]
- bird fuckin slays me every day of my life. i still cannot believe how lucky i am to be involved with this woman and to be, like, wrapped up in her world. oh my god. we've been together for roughly six months now and that's insane??? i could not be happier tbh. unless you know. we didn't live 2000 miles apart from one another.
- honestly though i think part of the unique charm of our relationship lies in the distance. so much stuff said through text that cannot be said in person. so many moments shared that wouldn't be feasible in the flesh. even though it sucks that i can't just teleport to her house every day lol.
- ive never been more sexually frustrated in my goD DAMN LIFE HOLY LORD. jk. im very happy about this. but oh mY GOD. i now live in bonertown, NC.
- what if like... i moved out there one day lol. like. it's just a fun idea but i love how agreeable with it bb is. he LOVES deserts he loves out west. so i can throw that idea around as if it's serious and he goes along with it. this is why i love him.
- my relationship with him has... continued to change. in light of the trip and after it. not in a bad way, mostly. mostly it's fine. realizing how mature and comfortable our connection is now. realizing that our romantic connection and our domestic partnership and our friendship are all distinct entities. and we cohabitate beautifully, are still the best of friends and pretty damn sexually compatible, but i'm... not sure what my romantic feelings are at this point? i love him and i always will. but. i'm not sure where to place my feelings these days. i dunno what to say about that. it's not bad though. just, i have perspective now. this other dimension of my love life is still very much NEW AND SUPER EXCITING AND SUPER ABSORBING so i'm, like, trying to keep that in mind as well haha. i have one relationship where we're basically married by this point lol, and one brand new courtship stages kinda thing. [or maybe past that now pffffft]
- i really want to get my name changed soon. like officially. the first real physical step in my transition. one step closer to being respected. the name is one of the biggest problems tbh, right up there with the chest, so that's a very simple one and a good place to start.
- we really need more whiskey and i definitely need more candles. working actively with Papa Ghede/Baron S/what the hell ever this month cuz it's Ghede season. and so i guess i'm involved with this most recent in a long line of death spirits poking at me over the years. i feel like soon it'll become obvious what he wants from me besides attention. altho i may have been a sucker tbh because i already do shit for him when he nudges me. pffttt. nothing official tho.
- i literally got to the end of this entry and then somehow hit back on the browser instead of backspace?? and thought I HAD LOST THIS ENTIRE THING AND WAS ABOUT TO COMMIT A FELONY but WE GOOD. thank god. now i'm ready for bed.