![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thebrokenarrowsso i'm on the couch, practicing going out of my comfort zone and putting my computer in different places around the house so i stop vegetating in one spot all day every day, it encourages me to move around more, whether or not i'm actually on the computer. if it's there in front of the chair i will sit down and end up refreshing and refreshing websites and getting steeped in executive dysfunction hell.
i have had a very bad couple of brain days, and been in a general depressive episode more or less for a week now, with some ups but mostly downs. everything feels bad and i feel incapable of doing much at all to fix it. it doesn't show signs of letting up anytime soon, not until we get this money situation sorted out. it'll happen. even if it happens at a snail's pace. no matter what happens between now and then.
i watched that charlie's angels movie that came out in y2k [it was shitty yet worth watching, just like i remembered, thx everyone, the year 2000 was a blessed time] and i'm just sitting wrapped up in my huge, massive waffle weave blanket
and the blanket is only like a month old but already has three holes in it from murphy's teeth [me being stupid and leaving it out where he could get to it overnight once, i know damn well he tears up any fabric he can get his jaws on], and then two days into my depressive episode this weekend, i tore one corner of it on our metal bedframe. i was so upset with myself. but i sewed that one up because the tear was a perfect 90 degree angle and easy to sew up.
but the cat holes are still there, the weave is tricky and loose and not easy to sew shut, and i don't really want to wrinkle the pattern with my inept seamster skills.
i said ALL of that just to say that just now, i lifted my arm up and underneath i saw some of the frizzled frayed fibers poking out from where the cat teeth rent them, and somehow, their imperfection felt like home to me. i'm not sure i have the heart to patch or sew it up now. it's kind of like the rest of my tiny apartment, like my body, like my life - a little battered around the edges, imperfect, very much lived in, not exactly as i would like to have it in an ideal situation... and utterly mine.
i have had a very bad couple of brain days, and been in a general depressive episode more or less for a week now, with some ups but mostly downs. everything feels bad and i feel incapable of doing much at all to fix it. it doesn't show signs of letting up anytime soon, not until we get this money situation sorted out. it'll happen. even if it happens at a snail's pace. no matter what happens between now and then.
i watched that charlie's angels movie that came out in y2k [it was shitty yet worth watching, just like i remembered, thx everyone, the year 2000 was a blessed time] and i'm just sitting wrapped up in my huge, massive waffle weave blanket
and the blanket is only like a month old but already has three holes in it from murphy's teeth [me being stupid and leaving it out where he could get to it overnight once, i know damn well he tears up any fabric he can get his jaws on], and then two days into my depressive episode this weekend, i tore one corner of it on our metal bedframe. i was so upset with myself. but i sewed that one up because the tear was a perfect 90 degree angle and easy to sew up.
but the cat holes are still there, the weave is tricky and loose and not easy to sew shut, and i don't really want to wrinkle the pattern with my inept seamster skills.
i said ALL of that just to say that just now, i lifted my arm up and underneath i saw some of the frizzled frayed fibers poking out from where the cat teeth rent them, and somehow, their imperfection felt like home to me. i'm not sure i have the heart to patch or sew it up now. it's kind of like the rest of my tiny apartment, like my body, like my life - a little battered around the edges, imperfect, very much lived in, not exactly as i would like to have it in an ideal situation... and utterly mine.
