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thebrokenarrowsso yesterday we went through hell to do it, but we still did it: band practice. it was confusing and nerve wracking and good, so good. and like, i can definitely feel that it kickstarted some deep headspace feelings. because of course it does, music always does and always will and that's how it should be.
that night felt the Toy Soldier again, thank god, it's been a while, i miss that week or so when he was around regularly. i forget what was said, i was falling asleep, but there was so much of his face so close to mine, those pale shadowed eyes boring into my heart. something about making things real again. something. it was like a dream in that way that it feels so real and then later you can't remember.
been thinking about dreams a lot lately, in general. i used to write down every single dream i had. like right away. it's harder when the computer isn't literally right beside your bed anymore, but i still should do that. as much as i possibly can. especially when i nap, because i dream PROFUSELY during naps, and less so during proper sleep.
been struggling to meditate/tap into headspace the last while... today especially my mind has felt like a confused tangle for no apparent reason. you just get those days sometimes. the more you try to mess with it the more stressed and frustrated you get, and you don't solve anything. so what do you do instead? play No Man's Sky and then Klonoa for hours. yes good. [i'm further in klonoa than i've ever gotten and i don't know exactly how far i am now? but i'm legit terrified of reaching the end LOL... that said, i am much better at figuring out certain puzzles than i was in middle school bc those used to make me spit and scream with frustration]
i don't know if i've talked about it much?? but August was a month of incredible [for us] social communication. i talked to so many new people, or people that i hadn't talked to enough beforehand. like five or six, some of which being multiples??? holy shit that's a lot
only online, but hell, that isn't meaningless at all. and it's a lot easier than in person. even though some of these people, i want DESPERATELY to hang out in person, but i would have to figure out some way that isn't scary and dissociative for both of us... i am thinking of the Lightrayes in particular here. both of us have issues being social and truly ourselves hah. maybe after a long time of talking and trust developing across entire systems, maybe. maybe. but let me tell you, meeting another System in person, especially one that you already know, is *incredible*. electrifying. exciting and fascinating beyond measure. godddd i want to do it again lol
it's a tricky thing to befriend a whole System. there are always corners of it that want nothing to do with you, that think you are probably a threat and out to get them. i know that. from the beginning, i know that. and there is no sin in that, either. it's pretty normal. i think multiples are just more honest about their shadow-selves than singlets can be.
but think about it though. late night talks of System stuff, but in person. in quiet voices, in a dark room with warm soft lights, or something. over tea maybe. yes yes.
back to headspace... i really, really miss some of my boys. Kris and Owen ring a bell as two who used to be around a lot more than they are these days. it's just how it goes, but god i miss them. their anchors aren't strong these days. but Kris at least, will never leave. this month actually makes his ten year anniversary. hot damn. i wonder if he'll come up and i can offer him a cigarette?
we keep a pack of cigarettes on hand for extremely special occasions, usually as rare treats for Kris. we don't smoke in general. but on things like holidays, a couple of times a year we might visit a hookah bar, and even more rarely Kris gets a cigarette. because in headspace he has an incredibly bad smoking habit lolll. so eeeevery once in a blue moon he gets to indulge outside. very rarely. it's been a measure of learning to trust himself that he knows they're in the house and never smokes them.
we also had a system-wide fear of nicotine addiction since childhood, and keeping them around, as well as smoking our first one ever and not getting hooked, has kinda helped us get over that fear. a lot. which needed to happen
sometimes i question why is me, Oliver, who gets to stay out front almost all of the time? why is it 'oliver and company' that's the joke lol? because i'm so shy, awkward, introverted. so unsure of myself. sooo exhausted by social existence. sometimes all i want is to go inside like the rest of them do and forget this physical life.
but i know. it's wordless, but i feel a deep sense of purpose, my Purpose in the context of headspace, if i listen hard enough. all those years of church doctrine told me about that "still small voice", but nothing ever taught me what that felt like before headspace. now i know exactly what that sounds like. it doesn't tell me to feel guilty about stupid things, though. it tells me that i am a pollinator. a creator. i know. i am the wheel of the great ship Broken Arrow.
i am its heart.
some dream-like recollection of last night, the Toy Soldier holding my own heart, or core?, or something out before me, some part of myself that was shimmering blue and pink and like glitter and water in a glass sphere. heartbreakingly perfect in its beauty. magical and brilliant with its own light. and he held it and spoke to me of purity. and i asked him if all of us were like this, if everyone in Hiraeth had a core? if i did? but there the dream becomes disrupted and i can't recall...
that night felt the Toy Soldier again, thank god, it's been a while, i miss that week or so when he was around regularly. i forget what was said, i was falling asleep, but there was so much of his face so close to mine, those pale shadowed eyes boring into my heart. something about making things real again. something. it was like a dream in that way that it feels so real and then later you can't remember.
been thinking about dreams a lot lately, in general. i used to write down every single dream i had. like right away. it's harder when the computer isn't literally right beside your bed anymore, but i still should do that. as much as i possibly can. especially when i nap, because i dream PROFUSELY during naps, and less so during proper sleep.
been struggling to meditate/tap into headspace the last while... today especially my mind has felt like a confused tangle for no apparent reason. you just get those days sometimes. the more you try to mess with it the more stressed and frustrated you get, and you don't solve anything. so what do you do instead? play No Man's Sky and then Klonoa for hours. yes good. [i'm further in klonoa than i've ever gotten and i don't know exactly how far i am now? but i'm legit terrified of reaching the end LOL... that said, i am much better at figuring out certain puzzles than i was in middle school bc those used to make me spit and scream with frustration]
i don't know if i've talked about it much?? but August was a month of incredible [for us] social communication. i talked to so many new people, or people that i hadn't talked to enough beforehand. like five or six, some of which being multiples??? holy shit that's a lot
only online, but hell, that isn't meaningless at all. and it's a lot easier than in person. even though some of these people, i want DESPERATELY to hang out in person, but i would have to figure out some way that isn't scary and dissociative for both of us... i am thinking of the Lightrayes in particular here. both of us have issues being social and truly ourselves hah. maybe after a long time of talking and trust developing across entire systems, maybe. maybe. but let me tell you, meeting another System in person, especially one that you already know, is *incredible*. electrifying. exciting and fascinating beyond measure. godddd i want to do it again lol
it's a tricky thing to befriend a whole System. there are always corners of it that want nothing to do with you, that think you are probably a threat and out to get them. i know that. from the beginning, i know that. and there is no sin in that, either. it's pretty normal. i think multiples are just more honest about their shadow-selves than singlets can be.
but think about it though. late night talks of System stuff, but in person. in quiet voices, in a dark room with warm soft lights, or something. over tea maybe. yes yes.
back to headspace... i really, really miss some of my boys. Kris and Owen ring a bell as two who used to be around a lot more than they are these days. it's just how it goes, but god i miss them. their anchors aren't strong these days. but Kris at least, will never leave. this month actually makes his ten year anniversary. hot damn. i wonder if he'll come up and i can offer him a cigarette?
we keep a pack of cigarettes on hand for extremely special occasions, usually as rare treats for Kris. we don't smoke in general. but on things like holidays, a couple of times a year we might visit a hookah bar, and even more rarely Kris gets a cigarette. because in headspace he has an incredibly bad smoking habit lolll. so eeeevery once in a blue moon he gets to indulge outside. very rarely. it's been a measure of learning to trust himself that he knows they're in the house and never smokes them.
we also had a system-wide fear of nicotine addiction since childhood, and keeping them around, as well as smoking our first one ever and not getting hooked, has kinda helped us get over that fear. a lot. which needed to happen
sometimes i question why is me, Oliver, who gets to stay out front almost all of the time? why is it 'oliver and company' that's the joke lol? because i'm so shy, awkward, introverted. so unsure of myself. sooo exhausted by social existence. sometimes all i want is to go inside like the rest of them do and forget this physical life.
but i know. it's wordless, but i feel a deep sense of purpose, my Purpose in the context of headspace, if i listen hard enough. all those years of church doctrine told me about that "still small voice", but nothing ever taught me what that felt like before headspace. now i know exactly what that sounds like. it doesn't tell me to feel guilty about stupid things, though. it tells me that i am a pollinator. a creator. i know. i am the wheel of the great ship Broken Arrow.
i am its heart.
some dream-like recollection of last night, the Toy Soldier holding my own heart, or core?, or something out before me, some part of myself that was shimmering blue and pink and like glitter and water in a glass sphere. heartbreakingly perfect in its beauty. magical and brilliant with its own light. and he held it and spoke to me of purity. and i asked him if all of us were like this, if everyone in Hiraeth had a core? if i did? but there the dream becomes disrupted and i can't recall...
