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thebrokenarrowsautumn has kicked in inside me. two days of barely topping 60, with constant overcast grey drizzle and rain and i've gone out and squirreled away hot heavy meals [banquet instant meals, potatoes both instant and non, mac and cheese] and fresh produce as well as silly autumnal treats [pumpkin spice coffee, halloween oreos, fall party cakes, count chocula, canned pumpkin for bb to make more pumpkin rolls]... yesss. i have brewed the first of the pumpkin spice coffee [with bailey's creamer that i bought because god i hate the vanilla coffeemate shit that my mom always buys]. and now i am ready.
things? things. i haven't updated as much this week so far. which isn't good, i need to keep up.
thing 1:
my work schedule is interfering with my volunteering job and making it harder to keep working there... not good. i'm working on changing what days or times i work. might make it so i don't work wednesday, maybe only monday? or monday and tuesday? i haven't been regularly going, both days, for like three weeks in a row now >:/ not how i want to be. first there was labor day, then work problems, now work problems again. no bueno.
thing 2:
bb is leaving for work again shortly. his first day of work was pretty good, he said. pretty easy. i hope it stays that way. i hate that he won't be here when i leave tonight, though. weh. but when i get home he will be in the nest, so. :3
thing 3:
oh god i took a sip of that pumpkin spice coffee and -wwww- yaaaasss. coffee heaven. autumn heaven. i love this time of year. when it quits pissing down so much rain, i need to start taking more walks. the chill is delicious. the warmth of summer sure is comfy, but i sure enjoy the chill of autumn.
thing 4:
when did i start saying yass what is wrong with me
thing 5:
another side effect of Autumn Mode On!: i inaugurated the space heater. the one that lives under my desk, near my feet, where the warm air gets trapped by the "kotatsu" i made in my desk this time last year and which i have not moved since. [spoiler: i just stick a fleece blanket on my keyboard tray and hang it down on the front and back to hold in warm air. not rly a kotatsu, but still comfy.] turning on the space heater is a pretty significant event. yesterday was the equinox. the Dark Year is here.
thing 6:
bb is watching zero punctuation [a series that i introduced him to years ago and which he's kept up with long after i have stopped], and yahtzee just said:
"there once was a game called Destiny,
looked more like a graphical test to me
it's brown, there's a gun
and it seems as much fun
as requiring a double mastectomy"
i laughed my ass off. thank you yahtzee. thank you for making this trans boy pee his pants not even knowing anything about this Destiny game. and you are indeed correct, being in need of a mastectomy is not fun in the slightest.
thing 7:
last night i clicked on this series of documentaries on netflix called Wildest Islands, because when we visited bb's mom's house the other day she had it on and it looked cool. i do love a good documentary. but then i watch it, and... that voice... there's no way. nooo way. but i look it up and SURE ENOUGH it's Paul McGann. my favorite doctor of all time. yessss. so i am in heaven just listening to him narrate things [apart from being my favorite doctor his voice is INCREDIBLE] and pretending the Doctor is teaching me about monkeys in Sri Lanka. on that note, i have NO idea how i didn't notice it was his voice when we went over there. i guess i was just distracted.
oh my goodness everything feels super comfy and i am so at home in autumn, it's not even funny. i have to go to work in like 3-4 hours and yet i'm totally relaxed. i'm not counting it down at all. and bb is leaving in like 30 minutes to an hour or so. [hard to know when he'll want to leave bc his work is like 5 minutes drive with no traffic, lmao lucky bastard] but i'm totally chill. i don't even care. i'm not even worried about whether my volunteer job understood that i'm not coming in today. i'm not being paid for it. and it doesn't look so likely that i'll even get hired there in the pet care department, if anywhere, sooo whatever.
i am kinda sorta? pursuing a job in the grooming department there?? but i'm not... trying very hard. >_>
... oookay, spotify decided to bork itself only a couple songs into my album. alrighty then.
seriously that's just been my life lately. sit here at the laptop [been ages since i've regularly done that!], start an album on spotify, write things, possibly go through photo albums or other people's art, and do some art of my own while the songs go through one by one. and i don't feel unproductive!!! wow!!! amaze!!! i don't feel guilty for doing anything. i feel like i am where i need to be, for once.
there is one thing though. the FAFSA. i'm still putting it off. but i am currently aiming for the end of the month, which is in a few more days. yep. hopefully i can manage that. it's still early yet, but i want to challenge myself to get it done.
think i will play some gamecube animal crossing because it's been.... a while. >_>
-later-
well i was quite grumpy for a bit, but i'm chilling out now, i think. after playing a few rounds of smash with bb and getting MURDERED in various cheap ways, getting fed up and playing ACNL for a while, i got a text from my volunteer job boss asking me to do something tonight. i guess she didn't understand that i wasn't coming in, so i made it more clear and spent half an hour or so feeling incredibly guilty and ugh. it didn't help that she just responded with "oh" and then nothing else even when i replied. kinda unprofessional but guess what? i'm really talented at making myself feel guilty. like, super american idol talent. i've relaxed a bit though. it doesn't matter. just a little volunteer job, not nearly as serious as calling out of work. my paid job takes priority, unfortunately. and when the two conflict, guess which one i have to choose?
egh, i let myself get stressed out. well, currently i'm working on boiling some water with a dollop of butter in it, and got the potato flakes and milk sitting out. been making this particular comfort food for about a decade now, since i was a teenager sitting in front of my tiny tv watching COPS and doodling in my sketchbook. now i'm a 20something sitting in front of my laptop [and my giant tv, which who knows, maybe i'll turn it on just for the lulz] and not doodling in my sketchbook, but writing and listening to music. yeh.
bb didn't text me when he got to work. i don't like that, i hope he will remember next time. i haven't heard a beep in here, so i'm pretty sure he didn't leave his phone behind. i need to know that he's safe, that intersection is nasty especially in rush hour.
so this is probably just paranoia talking? or a history of bad experience? but i kinda wish bb hadn't got the job that stepdad led him onto. because now i feel like stepdad will use that against us later if we piss him off somehow???? honestly he doesn't seem like that kinda guy, but my past has kinda made me expect ALL "paternal" figures in my life or anyone's to behave this way. so i kinda expect him to feel that because he "got" him the job [he didn't at all, he just tipped us off to it, which is great but not the same in any way as getting him the job] that means... he's entitled to something from us? more respect, more... i don't know what my brain expects. if it was my dad, then i feel pretty sure that if my dad tipped me off to a job that i ended up getting, he would later demand that i do what he wants because "he's the reason i'm employed" for example. basically i'd be his bitch and in his debt because he "got me a job". so if we got in a fight he would demand i listen to him because, by his logic, without his help i would still be jobless. which wouldn't be true at all. but, thanks to my father, i see a projection of his irrational drunken self superimposed on every older male i meet, especially one with any amount of authority over me. i expect them all to behave and think like him at his worst.
also idk if i mentioned but i completed a HUGE piece of art last night. well, huge for me. it's only like 5 by 8 but THE ENTIRE PAGE is colored in. ALL OF IT. the whole background, the whole foreground, every inch of the paper is colored. that's massive and crazy for me. and i'm really proud of it. it's a picture of Tori, and i'm pretty sure the first colored image of her ever, and she's been around for over two years now. i'll babble about her for a minute:
Tori is short for Notorious, which is a name she took upon transitioning. i don't know what her birth name was. she is an mtf transgender mouflon sheep. so, she is a female sheep, but she has big ram horns. she is ok with this, she likes them. she has bright pink wool, which i'm pretty sure is partially if not entirely dyed? not sure what color it is originally. but i think her skin is black, however when i drew her recently i couldn't find any bare patches of skin to color in, it was all pink even her face. so i'm not sure what to think of that yet.
as personality goes she is very... in your face. very punk in a way, but in a feminine way. rather aggressive and bold and dominant.
yeh. ya know. stuff. and things.
another thing:
i've realized that expressing outright what my art plans are for the immediate future pretty well extinguishes the ability to do those things. so now i always stop myself when i start saying "maybe i'll write some about..." or "i think i'll draw..." because no. no. it chokes the creativity, for some reason. art has to be spontaneous. because all too often i say "ok i'm gonna draw this!" and sit down and... nope. just the act of saying i'm going to do it somehow snuffed it out. just like the act of writing this journal, it just has to come into being and be done in the same moment, the same swooping action. i didn't try to start a journal this time, it just happened because it needed to happen. now it's my job to keep it rolling.
maybe i'll post this stuff online later? livejournal's convenient in that i can edit the timestamp to be accurate to the date i posted it, so if anyone gets interested in my stuff the way i am in other people's, they can go back and look at the archive? i dunno. i think i will close this up and open a fresh one, try to do some headspace stuff before i have to leave. ugh i can't believe i have to go to work at 7 freaking o clock! whyyy. why so early. >_
things? things. i haven't updated as much this week so far. which isn't good, i need to keep up.
thing 1:
my work schedule is interfering with my volunteering job and making it harder to keep working there... not good. i'm working on changing what days or times i work. might make it so i don't work wednesday, maybe only monday? or monday and tuesday? i haven't been regularly going, both days, for like three weeks in a row now >:/ not how i want to be. first there was labor day, then work problems, now work problems again. no bueno.
thing 2:
bb is leaving for work again shortly. his first day of work was pretty good, he said. pretty easy. i hope it stays that way. i hate that he won't be here when i leave tonight, though. weh. but when i get home he will be in the nest, so. :3
thing 3:
oh god i took a sip of that pumpkin spice coffee and -wwww- yaaaasss. coffee heaven. autumn heaven. i love this time of year. when it quits pissing down so much rain, i need to start taking more walks. the chill is delicious. the warmth of summer sure is comfy, but i sure enjoy the chill of autumn.
thing 4:
when did i start saying yass what is wrong with me
thing 5:
another side effect of Autumn Mode On!: i inaugurated the space heater. the one that lives under my desk, near my feet, where the warm air gets trapped by the "kotatsu" i made in my desk this time last year and which i have not moved since. [spoiler: i just stick a fleece blanket on my keyboard tray and hang it down on the front and back to hold in warm air. not rly a kotatsu, but still comfy.] turning on the space heater is a pretty significant event. yesterday was the equinox. the Dark Year is here.
thing 6:
bb is watching zero punctuation [a series that i introduced him to years ago and which he's kept up with long after i have stopped], and yahtzee just said:
"there once was a game called Destiny,
looked more like a graphical test to me
it's brown, there's a gun
and it seems as much fun
as requiring a double mastectomy"
i laughed my ass off. thank you yahtzee. thank you for making this trans boy pee his pants not even knowing anything about this Destiny game. and you are indeed correct, being in need of a mastectomy is not fun in the slightest.
thing 7:
last night i clicked on this series of documentaries on netflix called Wildest Islands, because when we visited bb's mom's house the other day she had it on and it looked cool. i do love a good documentary. but then i watch it, and... that voice... there's no way. nooo way. but i look it up and SURE ENOUGH it's Paul McGann. my favorite doctor of all time. yessss. so i am in heaven just listening to him narrate things [apart from being my favorite doctor his voice is INCREDIBLE] and pretending the Doctor is teaching me about monkeys in Sri Lanka. on that note, i have NO idea how i didn't notice it was his voice when we went over there. i guess i was just distracted.
oh my goodness everything feels super comfy and i am so at home in autumn, it's not even funny. i have to go to work in like 3-4 hours and yet i'm totally relaxed. i'm not counting it down at all. and bb is leaving in like 30 minutes to an hour or so. [hard to know when he'll want to leave bc his work is like 5 minutes drive with no traffic, lmao lucky bastard] but i'm totally chill. i don't even care. i'm not even worried about whether my volunteer job understood that i'm not coming in today. i'm not being paid for it. and it doesn't look so likely that i'll even get hired there in the pet care department, if anywhere, sooo whatever.
i am kinda sorta? pursuing a job in the grooming department there?? but i'm not... trying very hard. >_>
... oookay, spotify decided to bork itself only a couple songs into my album. alrighty then.
seriously that's just been my life lately. sit here at the laptop [been ages since i've regularly done that!], start an album on spotify, write things, possibly go through photo albums or other people's art, and do some art of my own while the songs go through one by one. and i don't feel unproductive!!! wow!!! amaze!!! i don't feel guilty for doing anything. i feel like i am where i need to be, for once.
there is one thing though. the FAFSA. i'm still putting it off. but i am currently aiming for the end of the month, which is in a few more days. yep. hopefully i can manage that. it's still early yet, but i want to challenge myself to get it done.
think i will play some gamecube animal crossing because it's been.... a while. >_>
-later-
well i was quite grumpy for a bit, but i'm chilling out now, i think. after playing a few rounds of smash with bb and getting MURDERED in various cheap ways, getting fed up and playing ACNL for a while, i got a text from my volunteer job boss asking me to do something tonight. i guess she didn't understand that i wasn't coming in, so i made it more clear and spent half an hour or so feeling incredibly guilty and ugh. it didn't help that she just responded with "oh" and then nothing else even when i replied. kinda unprofessional but guess what? i'm really talented at making myself feel guilty. like, super american idol talent. i've relaxed a bit though. it doesn't matter. just a little volunteer job, not nearly as serious as calling out of work. my paid job takes priority, unfortunately. and when the two conflict, guess which one i have to choose?
egh, i let myself get stressed out. well, currently i'm working on boiling some water with a dollop of butter in it, and got the potato flakes and milk sitting out. been making this particular comfort food for about a decade now, since i was a teenager sitting in front of my tiny tv watching COPS and doodling in my sketchbook. now i'm a 20something sitting in front of my laptop [and my giant tv, which who knows, maybe i'll turn it on just for the lulz] and not doodling in my sketchbook, but writing and listening to music. yeh.
bb didn't text me when he got to work. i don't like that, i hope he will remember next time. i haven't heard a beep in here, so i'm pretty sure he didn't leave his phone behind. i need to know that he's safe, that intersection is nasty especially in rush hour.
so this is probably just paranoia talking? or a history of bad experience? but i kinda wish bb hadn't got the job that stepdad led him onto. because now i feel like stepdad will use that against us later if we piss him off somehow???? honestly he doesn't seem like that kinda guy, but my past has kinda made me expect ALL "paternal" figures in my life or anyone's to behave this way. so i kinda expect him to feel that because he "got" him the job [he didn't at all, he just tipped us off to it, which is great but not the same in any way as getting him the job] that means... he's entitled to something from us? more respect, more... i don't know what my brain expects. if it was my dad, then i feel pretty sure that if my dad tipped me off to a job that i ended up getting, he would later demand that i do what he wants because "he's the reason i'm employed" for example. basically i'd be his bitch and in his debt because he "got me a job". so if we got in a fight he would demand i listen to him because, by his logic, without his help i would still be jobless. which wouldn't be true at all. but, thanks to my father, i see a projection of his irrational drunken self superimposed on every older male i meet, especially one with any amount of authority over me. i expect them all to behave and think like him at his worst.
also idk if i mentioned but i completed a HUGE piece of art last night. well, huge for me. it's only like 5 by 8 but THE ENTIRE PAGE is colored in. ALL OF IT. the whole background, the whole foreground, every inch of the paper is colored. that's massive and crazy for me. and i'm really proud of it. it's a picture of Tori, and i'm pretty sure the first colored image of her ever, and she's been around for over two years now. i'll babble about her for a minute:
Tori is short for Notorious, which is a name she took upon transitioning. i don't know what her birth name was. she is an mtf transgender mouflon sheep. so, she is a female sheep, but she has big ram horns. she is ok with this, she likes them. she has bright pink wool, which i'm pretty sure is partially if not entirely dyed? not sure what color it is originally. but i think her skin is black, however when i drew her recently i couldn't find any bare patches of skin to color in, it was all pink even her face. so i'm not sure what to think of that yet.
as personality goes she is very... in your face. very punk in a way, but in a feminine way. rather aggressive and bold and dominant.
yeh. ya know. stuff. and things.
another thing:
i've realized that expressing outright what my art plans are for the immediate future pretty well extinguishes the ability to do those things. so now i always stop myself when i start saying "maybe i'll write some about..." or "i think i'll draw..." because no. no. it chokes the creativity, for some reason. art has to be spontaneous. because all too often i say "ok i'm gonna draw this!" and sit down and... nope. just the act of saying i'm going to do it somehow snuffed it out. just like the act of writing this journal, it just has to come into being and be done in the same moment, the same swooping action. i didn't try to start a journal this time, it just happened because it needed to happen. now it's my job to keep it rolling.
maybe i'll post this stuff online later? livejournal's convenient in that i can edit the timestamp to be accurate to the date i posted it, so if anyone gets interested in my stuff the way i am in other people's, they can go back and look at the archive? i dunno. i think i will close this up and open a fresh one, try to do some headspace stuff before i have to leave. ugh i can't believe i have to go to work at 7 freaking o clock! whyyy. why so early. >_
