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thebrokenarrowsoh my GOD can it please be later in the summer yet i want to fucking go to utah like right now lol
draw for today, #6: "What prevents me from expressing my passions?"
draw: the Devil.
[wellllll then. speaks to me of Satan, aka the Self, the sacred self or just one's own self. standing my own way. sounds about right. and sources for tarot say this card represents stuff like doubt and self worth issues. also nails it on the head. l o l pretty straightforward today]
going to work in about an hour. still going through these weird issues. not too deep in it but i wish i could go back to it being march. [THEN AGAIN I'M LIKE 7 WEEKS CLOSER TO GOIN ON MY TRIP HERE AAAHHHHH] maybe that really was the honeymoon period after a new move and i was wrong to discount that idea. i dunno!
birthday is in like two weeks. i'm gonna be 24 OMG. two dozen years of being a human. i have no idea what my plans will be. i have none so far. BUT it is on a tuesday. unfortunately it's the last day before payday. fortunately that means if i DO have any spending money left, then i can blow it all that day if i please lolol. but where will we go??? what will we do??? i wanna do SOMETHING. i have no idea. i hope i get some presents from people bc i LOVE PRESENTS HOLY SHIT. like i love giving them so much. i love receiving them. i love the existence of presents. i guess i'm a dragon that way lol
i'm getting to vaguely know the neighborhoods of charlotte. or at least of the eastern side of the city and uptown. know where people are talking about when they refer to certain areas or streets. that's pretty cool. city bird.
really starting to feel that "i'm wasting my time" feeling at all times. no matter what i'm doing. making art? wasting time. going out and about? wasting time, could be making art or something. playing games? wasting time. like what is that?? what grossness do i need to blast out of my brain. if i'm enjoying myself then i'm not wasting anything!! seriously. i just always feel like "oh no I only have x number of hours until I have to go back to work, this is my only chance to enjoy myself and i'm BLOWING IT somehow" like... even if i'm only halfway through my first day off of 2.5 days. like. why is that. i'm exactly where i need to be right now. i need to be in that mindset and not this one.
i find that cleaning helps a little. so i cleaned, a little. got my cluttered desk fixed up. [and watched Harold and Maude. which Vernon found out about in like 2008 and wanted to watch and never could find it until now. that sure was... a thing. a super duper 60s morbid thing. but glad we watched it finally lol]
the only thing that really needs to get done ASAP is getting my car registered. i really ought to just pony up and go get that done. go stand in line for hours in a place i don't know. bleckh. you see why i've been putting this off. but everything else is done now... i think. but my car will be illegal before too much longer so i really can't keep waiting.
headspace is so silent on my days off. i don't like it. i should get out of the house and find ways to get out that don't involve me spending money on food, going and making art or something. BUT THEN, my thoughts turn to coffee shops or whatever, which is great but... i always feel like i should maximize my time spent with bb since he travels so far for work now, he's gone most of the day. :[ idk i'm stuck in a weird position right now. but i can't go back to that place i was in before, where because i didn't know what i should be doing with my life on a given day, i did nothing instead. nah. let's not.
idk my life these days mostly consists of "SO THERE'S THIS GIRL..." lolol. only i can't really even talk about her to people. because of the issues i mentioned before. i just have to mention 'my friend' who lives far away. but then i can't confide in them how crazy i am about her aahhhh. o well. there are a couple of people tho that i trust enough to talk to about her. i hope she doesn't mind. :3c THE GOOD THING ABOUT THIS IS, i don't have to field the whole stupid series of questions like "how do you know you even like them when you've never even met???" shit like that again. people don't realize that meeting someone online means you get to know them from the inside out. in a more intimate way than you could ever hope to when first meeting in person.]
i guess i'm outta stuff to say now. burd gets internet back tomorrow so ENJOY CATCHING UP ON MY GOOFY JOURNAL ENTRIES and she just texted me as i was typing this sentence gosh :#3
draw for today, #6: "What prevents me from expressing my passions?"
draw: the Devil.
[wellllll then. speaks to me of Satan, aka the Self, the sacred self or just one's own self. standing my own way. sounds about right. and sources for tarot say this card represents stuff like doubt and self worth issues. also nails it on the head. l o l pretty straightforward today]
going to work in about an hour. still going through these weird issues. not too deep in it but i wish i could go back to it being march. [THEN AGAIN I'M LIKE 7 WEEKS CLOSER TO GOIN ON MY TRIP HERE AAAHHHHH] maybe that really was the honeymoon period after a new move and i was wrong to discount that idea. i dunno!
birthday is in like two weeks. i'm gonna be 24 OMG. two dozen years of being a human. i have no idea what my plans will be. i have none so far. BUT it is on a tuesday. unfortunately it's the last day before payday. fortunately that means if i DO have any spending money left, then i can blow it all that day if i please lolol. but where will we go??? what will we do??? i wanna do SOMETHING. i have no idea. i hope i get some presents from people bc i LOVE PRESENTS HOLY SHIT. like i love giving them so much. i love receiving them. i love the existence of presents. i guess i'm a dragon that way lol
i'm getting to vaguely know the neighborhoods of charlotte. or at least of the eastern side of the city and uptown. know where people are talking about when they refer to certain areas or streets. that's pretty cool. city bird.
really starting to feel that "i'm wasting my time" feeling at all times. no matter what i'm doing. making art? wasting time. going out and about? wasting time, could be making art or something. playing games? wasting time. like what is that?? what grossness do i need to blast out of my brain. if i'm enjoying myself then i'm not wasting anything!! seriously. i just always feel like "oh no I only have x number of hours until I have to go back to work, this is my only chance to enjoy myself and i'm BLOWING IT somehow" like... even if i'm only halfway through my first day off of 2.5 days. like. why is that. i'm exactly where i need to be right now. i need to be in that mindset and not this one.
i find that cleaning helps a little. so i cleaned, a little. got my cluttered desk fixed up. [and watched Harold and Maude. which Vernon found out about in like 2008 and wanted to watch and never could find it until now. that sure was... a thing. a super duper 60s morbid thing. but glad we watched it finally lol]
the only thing that really needs to get done ASAP is getting my car registered. i really ought to just pony up and go get that done. go stand in line for hours in a place i don't know. bleckh. you see why i've been putting this off. but everything else is done now... i think. but my car will be illegal before too much longer so i really can't keep waiting.
headspace is so silent on my days off. i don't like it. i should get out of the house and find ways to get out that don't involve me spending money on food, going and making art or something. BUT THEN, my thoughts turn to coffee shops or whatever, which is great but... i always feel like i should maximize my time spent with bb since he travels so far for work now, he's gone most of the day. :[ idk i'm stuck in a weird position right now. but i can't go back to that place i was in before, where because i didn't know what i should be doing with my life on a given day, i did nothing instead. nah. let's not.
idk my life these days mostly consists of "SO THERE'S THIS GIRL..." lolol. only i can't really even talk about her to people. because of the issues i mentioned before. i just have to mention 'my friend' who lives far away. but then i can't confide in them how crazy i am about her aahhhh. o well. there are a couple of people tho that i trust enough to talk to about her. i hope she doesn't mind. :3c THE GOOD THING ABOUT THIS IS, i don't have to field the whole stupid series of questions like "how do you know you even like them when you've never even met???" shit like that again. people don't realize that meeting someone online means you get to know them from the inside out. in a more intimate way than you could ever hope to when first meeting in person.]
i guess i'm outta stuff to say now. burd gets internet back tomorrow so ENJOY CATCHING UP ON MY GOOFY JOURNAL ENTRIES and she just texted me as i was typing this sentence gosh :#3
