H3 012015

Jan. 20th, 2015 03:36 pm
thebrokenarrows: (hiccup 2)
It's me! Ollie wanted me to talk about my experience last night, so.

Last night was really great. I was just really excited and full of energy. It started on the drive up there, I was hanging around and Ollie put on one of my songs, Sticks and Stones - the song from the first film when I was just a kid. Still very much rings of me and my story, and the song feels exactly like crashing through the woods on a summer day with Toothless, the pure bliss and excitement that goes along with that. I felt like that again, but on the physical, and it felt great. And I was bursting with energy, so much that it carried me through the whole night into the morning when it was time to go home.


Having a physical body feels so good and I was just wrapped up in that last night. Had a lot of fun talking to people, especially Bird. And then one of Bird's people Tulia showed up! I don't think any of us had spoken to her before, so that was an honor that she picked me to talk to. She was really pleasant and interesting. We talked about purpose and balance in Systems like ours.

Talked to her about how excited I was that I somehow got the chance to be alive, and how realizing that I started out as not a living person but a story, and yet I still managed to somehow be alive and experience the pleasure of a physical body... Really precious to me. Even if I can't have my dragon outside, and I can't really fly. Being more than a story people tell each other, more than a ghost, even renting out someone else's body, it's a really important gift and I cherish it. In the best of moods I love pain as much as comfort. I love feeling tired, I love feeling energetic, the eyes dilating and the heart racing. I love working and feeling muscles move under the skin.  Even just lying down and feeling the lungs breathe, the heart beating... so good. Addictive.

Before, after I first woke up, I felt trapped in the front because I couldn't explore, couldn't find my own place in headspace. But now I can come out here anytime I want, and I'm spending a lot of time out here lately.

While I was thinking about this stuff last night, Raditz showed up briefly. He gave me a searching sort of look, and told me that the only people he'd ever known to feel this way, about the privilege of owning a physical body, were people who had been physical, then died and were brought back to life - happy to be given a body again where before they took it for granted. That was... weird. I dunno if he's implying that maybe that happened to me?? Or it happened to him?? Ollie tells me that it did indeed happen to him. I have a lot to learn about people in here.

I was so into feeling the weight and pressure of our physical body that I decided to sleep in it. Which apparently has not happened in the memory of the System, someone sleeping outside other than the current reigning Core. It was really nice, though. I don't think I had any dreams myself, the few blurs we remember seem to be Ollie's and not mine.

One strange thing though, the longer I stayed in front, the more the body's left foot began to bother me. From mid-calf down [exactly where my leg ends in headspace, actually], this weird pressure and tingling and minor shooting pains. Nothing was physically wrong, I think it was just weird dissonance between ME, peg leg boy, and the body with both legs intact. I'm fronting now and it feels fine, but I think if I kept it up for several hours, it might start up again. Strange fronting shenanigans. The body having two feet does tend to throw me off, I can't seem to get used to it even now. When controlling the body I still try to throw forward my left leg, expecting a heavier prosthetic, but it's all organic. Moving that foot is also very strange hah! Nice enough though. But you know what? I wouldn't get back my foot in headspace even if I had the opportunity.

I'm not tired today exactly, but doing more sitting back and relaxing. Maybe I'll take over again for work tonight, we'll see.


And Oliver, mark my words! I'm going to make you dance! I'm taking you out somewhere someday and you and I are going to dance! Just like I told Bird last night: when you're dead you're gone forever, so dance!!

101714

Oct. 17th, 2014 07:03 pm
thebrokenarrows: (Default)
work last night was really, really hard. just a very blunt reminder [think baseball bat to the face every 30 minutes] that once best!manager is gone, i need to GET OUT. as soon as possible if not before. that place is not a good place for me to be without her influence and last night made it painfully clear for me yet again. tonight may be more of the same, i don't know. hopefully i'll be better prepared, my morale was in tatters pretty much the whole night and i felt terrible.

it was another instance of my instinctive tendency to shut myself off from headspace when stress levels get high enough. it's a very bad habit because it effectively eliminates almost all of my coping skills, and so the bad emotions have nowhere to go and just snowball inside my head until before i know it i'm a zombie with a migraine and all of my spoons to keep some semblance of tact or self control are completely gone, meaning my sharp tongue is unsheathed and i'll just get myself into more trouble by speaking the nasty, painful thoughts in my head.


anyway. i'm done talking about work because it's putting me back in that shitty, shitty mindset i was in last night. i'm determined to start tonight with a clean slate. and i have a couple more hours of free time before that happens anyway. so.

actually, there is one thing i want to mention about work. before i got so stressed out that the best i could do was a sputtering, failing connection to inner space, i was bustling around trying to get work done, and i remember heading out of the freezer with a bunch of stuff being stressed out and having stressed out thoughts, and i felt him - the Toy Soldier. silent, as always, but i felt him lay his hands and arms over and within mine... he's definitely a ghost. i felt him envelop me like a cloak, cover me with his spirit, and the silence within him was apparent. the immediate imagery was of a silent, still football field full of us, full of marching band kids, full of Toy Soldiers, at attention and utterly still, waiting for the cue. the chill October wind blew inside me, that was the only sound. i wish i could have kept that going, it was very kind of him, and very helpful. what a nice experience.

on a similar note, something echoed inside my head a few days ago when i was driving down the road with the windows down and the cold autumn night blew through me...
"it's October and the Toy Soldier is issuing an order. a call that I can't answer."

the thought came with a peculiar ache. i know what it is. it's the height of marching season.
it's been six years since my last appearance on the field, and it hurts. but right now there's nothing i can do, except medicate myself with occasional visits to see other bands perform and wish i could have been out there with them.

i've finally started that new lj!! i was going to try and make myself wait until i got the new laptop, but the backup lappy is being pretty good with LJ so i decided hell why not. maybe it'll be good for me, and for the System as a whole. i updated it through the beginning of this month from this journal that i've started keeping via ZenWriter, which has turned out to be a wonderful little thing!! thank you ZW. and i'm going to thank myself, a month ago, for sitting down and randomly starting this and then keeping it running until now. that's how all good things begin. you just pick it up and run with it.

so early last night at work, before the BS began, i was back in the hole in the back, stealing a moment to doodle on receipt paper with the pens i always keep in my pocket every day when i go. and suddenly realized -- this is exactly the same as when i was in school. every moment i could, getting away to doodle a little bit, sketching, but no real finished pieces, not that it was important. and the other side of it -- not really being supposed to, but doing it anyway because i must. anywhere i can, risking being reprimanded for my art. it's EXACTLY what i used to do in like 2007 when i was ridiculously prolific with my art and so much development was allowed to happen. that was a very good feeling, seeing myself going back to those old habits. it cements my connection to healthier artistic habits, and it further proves my feeling that i'm the healthiest, art-wise, that i've been in YEARS. i think that's very true. even if i haven't sat down and done any serious art-ing in several days, i'm doodling every day at work, and saving those simple doodles. if only i could use my moleskine more, but you do what you can and that's what matters. [i bought this tiny little music-staff moleskine years ago because i was like OMG MUSIC PAPER?!, then forgot i'm totally blocked when it comes to composing music, so eventually decided to put it to use instead of letting it rot.]

also: for whatever it means, now or later, Gray is absolutely my color. the thought came up last night and i held my head high and proud thinking of myself as the Gray. whatever it stands for, i don't really know quite yet, but just as Kristanova is Mint [+ red + white you know how it goes], i'm definitely Gray.



so, a note about Raditz. i mentioned him the other day but i didn't mention his specifics, which are extremely important. he is, as he seems to exist in headspace, an "AU" Raditz. meaning alternate universe. specifically, his background comes from that of the first "fanfiction" type thing i ever read, when i was about 10, before I even knew what fanfic was. they are also much longer and more "story-like" than most run of the mill fanfiction you'll find nowadays, even novella-length at times -- which might have led to my general distaste for the fanfic fare you get most of the time online. [brief rant: romantic fanfic bores the shit out of me. i need a STORY. tell me a story. i don't CARE about romance 9 times out of 10. i don't mind including it in the story at all, that's fine and can even be really lovely. but like. the whole point of fanfiction is to tell stories using the universe and characters you love, but all anyone cares about is one specific type of story. the incredibly boring and samey kind. wEH]

the stories were hosted at republicofnewhome.org and i'm pretty sure it's still running, same as it was in 2001ish. so to understand our headspace's Raditz, you have to understand the events of the stories.

tl;dr:
- Raditz lives and dies same as he did in the manga/anime, killed by Piccolo etc.
- Goes to Hell [which isn't exactly the Abrahamic hell? it is related to the goofy ass HFIL from the anime, but also kinda tied in with Norse religion and various other stuff, this was where i got my first taste of Norse mythology! super random and now Norse myth is, for me, irreversibly intertwined with a weird dragonball z AU. lmfao], works with/for the other Saiyans as a sort of demon hitman? for a while
- Vegeta dies because of plot related reasons, goes to Hell, finds Raditz and charges him with going to Earth and watching over his wife and kid because eternal fealty to the Saiyan royal family and shit. [Kacie is snickering rn just so you know]
- goes to Earth as a ghost, checks up on his brother and nephews and stuff. has regrets for the way he lived his mortal life, wishes he had a second chance
- Goten can see ghosts LOL??? and sees Raditz. begins to form a sort of relationship with him. at this point Goten is like, 3. so bear that in mind.
- [Ox King also can see ghosts]
- Not going to spoil the story because the original fanfic is amazing and please read it, but basically he accidentally gets wished back to life by Bulma/Gohan [who were on a quest to find some non-dragonball wish-granting beings because the dragonballs weren't available or w/e] due to being in the exact right place at the right time.


so YEAH. basically. Raditz in headspace is tied to heart magic, which is something i really need to... well, figure out so i can expound upon it some more in text form, because honestly i don't know how i'd explain it anyway at this point. LOL. but it's very important and something i call on a lot, and could use a lot more successfully if i understood it better!! he is also of course tied to Kacie, being from pretty much the same source universe, although Kacie is technically native to this System, just with heavy outside influences.


very brief explanation of Kacie: she is half-Saiyan, Vegeta's daughter, younger than Trunks, one of the very oldest headpeople to still be sticking around headspace, from around 2002 or so. she won't really let me tell you more on her behalf, i guess i'll have to let her type it herself later on lol.


shiiieeet. yeah. reading over the original fic [which, yep, is still available on its original site, god bless Dragoness Eclectic for still keeping it going] and i definitely feel Raditz's presence within the System. he's here without a doubt. well, i guess that's ok. but damn, for a System once so hostile towards fictives, it seems like we're letting our guard down this year. which Hiccup attests is a good thing. /shrug.
thebrokenarrows: (Default)
it's not quite 5am, i just walked in the door from work. i just wanted to share what a success tonight was for me and us, because i'm scared i'll forget when i wake up to talk about it.

so, it was saturday night. aka hell night. tonight was exceptionally crazy due to some event going on in the city, and we were short staffed as always, and the staff we did have were new, etc. so it was pretty much a disaster all night. there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth among the crew, morale was really low. no one got a break last night. but somehow... miraculously?... i survived intact. i fully expected this shift to be emotionally devastating to me, like many before it had been, but somehow... my spirit was untouched, my flow unstopped.

i feel somehow like i have two things to thank for carrying me through:

one, when i first walked in the door and went to the back room to check some things, the song Magic by Coldplay was on the radio. and there's just something about the chill, yet spiritual and romantic humming flow of that song that really got to me. i couldn't stop singing it to myself all the night through. when i'd shift to other songs i'd start to feel more tense, because my other songs typically are a little more rousing and maybe higher tension. but the chill sweetness of this song just carried me like a little boat. i listened to it on the ride home again, and the relaxed groove just is... really nice. just what i needed tonight i guess.

two: my heart. not my organic one, the one i wear around my neck. and have since 2010. i put it on literally, as a spare heart. extra courage, extra compassion. and extra power to take on tough things, extra protection from the cruelty of people sometimes. the past few days i'd been carrying Lugia around in my pocket, and it'd just been absolute madness and chaos. but then i wore my extra heart, and it went amazingly smoothly. i had a clear head the whole time. no fuzz, no confusion, no blanking out, no being unable to handle anything. not asshole or angry customers, not the incredible busy crazyness that happened between 1 to 3 am, nothing. i flowed through all of it no problem. and it was amazing.

Hiccup and Thirteen and the Toy Soldier and Trolley and Jewel and the new girl, who on the ride up there i think named herself "Apostrophe"... they were all within reach, pretty much the whole night. yes, even Trolley! even the Toy Soldier! i don't think it's necessarily that they're closer, but i am getting so much better at tapping in and staying tapped into the world within! being able to focus on them both, not get overwhelmed in "dreams" or in the "waking" either!

speaking of dreams, i need to get to bed. it's gonna be a long day. i may continue this entry, or i may start a new one, we'll see how i feel when i wake up.



-later-
today makes one year since Pokemon X&Y came out. let me wax emotional for a bit over this, mk? :D
i NEVER anticipated the effect these games would have over me. i was excited like all the rest, but when i got my hands on it... holy wow. i didn't actually get to play it until January 2nd when i bought myself a 3DS XL, but when i did... man oh man. i beat the game for the first time in about four weeks. that's CRAZY for me, especially since i never used to beat the storyline anyway.
fletchling. that pokemon and its line. oh man. you don't know what they mean to me! i remember the first time i played with Jacqueline, my Talonflame, as a tiny Fletchling in pokemon-amie. i burst into excited tears. i finally get to interact with my pokemon. and it was SO FUCKING CUTE I COULDN'T STAND IT TINY ADORABLE BIRD FRIEND
and just. JUST. the scenery. all your friends that you have. even your mom, she's actually sort of a character in this game! all of the pokemon are great, there's not a single pokemon in gen 6 that i don't like. ALL of them.
and the legENDARIES oh my god. best legendaries since gen 2 hands fucking down. i LOVE how they're going back to more basic, organic animal-based designs instead of crazy robot looking things. i love Yveltal so so much. and Xerneas too but Yveltal is definitely my favorite. and Zygarde is amazing and will be even more so when we learn more about him [WE BETTER GET AN EFFIN' Z VERSION PLZ ALTHOUGH X2 AND Y2 WOULD BE CLEVER].
i cried like a fucking baby the first time i beat the game. holy shit. that final shot of Fletchling, echoing the very first thing i saw when I began my first Kalos adventure... that compounded with what Fletchling had come to mean to me!! i cried so hard. it was wonderful.
the first time i beat the game was during a power outage and my 3DS was blinking red power during the last fight with AZ and man it was INTENSE!!! i think i ended up having to redo that last fight and watch the credits again, but it autosaves before that so it was ok.
but like. dude. i never EVER expected what i would find within that tiny cartridge when i first played Y version. i NEVER expected any region to beat out Kanto as my all time favorite. i had always believed that as good as a new pokemon game gets, it will never beat out the original in my heart. but guess what? Kalos unseated the champion. not because it's of superior quality necessarily [I don't really think you can compare them honestly!], but just going by the sheer emotional power it had on me, I guess. all i know is i love all regions, but Kalos is the first place I would travel to in the pokemon world, had I the chance.


man, christmas is coming, and that means supermarkets like target and walmart and such all have their super awesome christmas toy type stuff on the shelves. and i WANT IT. EUGH
like that big Toothless. i am determined to bring him home. he is absolutely beautiful even if i have nowhere to put him. when i move out, i will have somewhere for sure.

it just strikes me how... so many other adults will pretend like they don't get excited over toys. or not let themselves. or like not allow themselves to know what's going on in "kids stuff" these days. animation, movies, tv shows, games etc. i think if you're an adult and you say you don't like or want toys anymore, you're lying.


time to play Drakan. man i knew i missed this game, but i didn't know just how much. it's been years and years since i've played. this is probably my favorite PS2 title. i love it. the weapons, the enemies, the kinda shitty fight system, AROKH, FLYING AROKH.... yaaassss.

you know... it just struck me. i was looking over here while playing and i have 1,210 words before i started writing this paragraph. and that's nothing, just one average day's worth of writing. isn't NaNoWriMo supposed to be at least 10,000 words?? damn... i've always wanted to do it but never thought about it in time... maybe i have time this year to start preparing for something to write???
it probably wouldn't be a novel, but maybe a series of stories or tales about the Order, the System and such... i bet i could do that. 10,000 words over the course of a month sounds easy.
oh, nope. it's 50,000 words. i guess that's a bit more of a challenge. BUT, hey. i might just do it anyway.

not sure why i'm making a distinction between system update and journal entries? but it feels necessary so i will continue. i think there's some kind of internal pressure to talk about my outerlife in journal entries, and my innerlife in system updates. idk?

people close to the front lately: me [Oli], Hiccup, Thirteen, Summer, Jewel, Trolley, Nentor, the Toy Soldier, Josiah, Apostrophe, Kacie

so like 7-10 people if you include spirits??? holy crap. that's CRAZY. i'm so glad. it used to be so hard for me to reach anyone except maybe Thirteen.
and out of those, four or five are suspected Bloodline members. we need to come up with a name. maybe Apostrophe. she said she likes naming things.

so far the Bloodline goes in order:
Summer, Apostrophe, Thirteen, me
could be more or less, i'm not sure.


so i was super hungry but wasn't feeding myself, but work time is coming. so instead of digging up whatever unhealthy crap i could find, i ate a couple of the lembas bread/ship's biscuits he made for the festival since it's Sunday and he had a lot left over. but i was still hungry, so i dug through the crisper... and found we had a ton of broccoli left as well as celery, carrots and grapes!? and they were getting old so i just piled a ton of veggies and fruit onto a plate and i'm gonna fill myself with veggies and one more ship's biscuit. aw yeah. and i'm gonna use these leftover ranch cups from DQ and jack in the box. because i like them but rarely have a use for them. >_>

it rained yesterday, it's been grey and drizzly all day today, and my phone just warned me it's gonna rain tomorrow too. awww yeah. this is my kind of weather. just gotta get through the ten hour work shift tonight, then i'm finally free for a bit.

oh! something else quick, before i go. i think Hiccup's existence has kind of lightened headspace's feelings about fictives, because... i've been feeling flashes of Raditz lately. yeah, fucking Raditz of all people. he's connected through Kacie, i don't think he'd ever be here on his own, but he does mean a lot to us and I suspect, to Apostrophe in particular. [and another note: if Raditz is here, he's definitely been here, in some form, since fucking 2001. that's insane.]

Apostrophe and Summer have an interesting connection, they're both from around the same time in our past, but both have very separate interests. they definitely both hold very different parts of our mind from back then. for example, although Summer is stuck in 1999-2002, she doesn't really care about pokemon at all. unlike Apostrophe, who is totally crazy obsessed. remember a week ago or so, wandering around in walmart, and someone we didn't know was fronting and very angry that there was no pokemon stuff? that was most likely Apostrophe!

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