T. B. A. S.

so today was a loooooong ass day haha. but it went pretty much as planned. so.

ya slept for 4 hours and had to wake up and was SO. TIRED. just a zombie the whole day. because i was sleep deprived enough to laugh at really stupid shit ["the letter A which stands for A big piece of shit who loves crime!" "Professor Suck-amore... of my dick!"] and forgot to eat before we left.

but. we got there and the apartment is fine. it's pretty much fine. although it's on the top floor and i am going to d i e lugging stuff up all of those stairs oh my god. gonna be so buff.
it's rly nice because they actively want us to be part of the APARTMENT and not just move 100% of our things into our room, they stressed that the last two people they'd rented to were really hermity and didn't like to come out of their rooms and they wanted us to not do that. not like they're pressuring us but they want us to feel relaxed and hang out with them. which is really awesome. and i said absolutely. although i do have times that i need to hermit for a while of course. which is fine. both of those things are fine. and they fed me this eggs and hash brown and bacon stuff in a bowl with ketchup and it was delicious -w- and i drank sweet tea from a mason jar and filtered water out of a Michelangelo TMNT cup with little ice balls instead of cubes. yep.
our room looks ok. perfectly acceptable. not too tiny or gross or anything that immediately sticks out as not good. and they said we can paint if we want to. which is awesome. and the fact that they basically ASKED us to put some of the furniture we're moving in around the apartment instead of just our room... helps haha. so like the birds might hang out in the living room or something. idk yet. we're kinda winging it.

but yeah we did paperwork and filed the application and the lady was REALLY chill and put me at ease. sadly she's about to retire and be gone but i'm just glad i got to meet her and that she was there for my initial nerves to calm down. unfortunately, bb didn't bring his pay stubs so we've got to go back up there Thursday and drop both of ours off. but it won't interfere with our application process from what i understand. we'll know in about a week either way. which is rly great and needed. and it SOUNDS like there's really nothing that will keep us from getting approved, it doesn't sound like they're crazy strict or that we have anything that sticks out as a problem. so i guess i should tell my mom that we have a place?? i'm kinda nervous to do that since we again don't know 100% sure, only about 95%... idk. i don't want her to freak out again and shorten the time we have any more than has already happened.

speaking of time limits, my prospective roommates [one of which was wearing a shirt featuring Batman riding Toothless btw, oh my god] were talking about maybe trying to convince their current roomie to move out a little earlier, to help us with the awkward period in early March before we'll be able to move in there.

as far as like spiritual energy goes, the vibe in there was... idk, stagnant? like it resonated with us, was a kindred feel, but also felt like it wasn't being properly expressed. part of that might have involved the current roommate not jiving with the whole pagan thing, which he might not even do idk. [he was slightly creepy. like he seemed nice!! but his room was full of miscellaneous weapons of all kinds, knives on the floor by the bed etc. and when i went to see the room and noticed the open window J told me "he likes it cold... and dark. i think the caves in Afghanistan left an impression" and that was a little... creepy. also being warned when i checked out the closet that it might be full of guns. haha] so like i'm looking forward to REALLY SPRUCING THE PLACE UP WITH WITCHY SHIT. which i think they will happily accomodate, maybe even actively take part in, who knows. :3

so yeah we went and checked out a couple places nearby [the library is so close i might could walk there oh my god] and then drove home. in scary levels of traffic. like i'd probably be ok but bb is prone to the occasional fender bender and SHIT SCARES ME LOL. esp since his car has pretty shitty rear visibility. i will never not be a worried silly thing. SORRY BUT I WORRY ABOUT THINGS AND PEOPLE THAT ARE PRECIOUS TO ME IS THAT SO WEIRD?


headspace stuff:

- Toy Soldier is fucking everywhere the past few days. ghosting outside the body, staring at me with those sharp, fierce yet blank eyes. when i've been overcome with anxiety he's been steadying me. making me stand at attention. he ghosted while i was in the shower and actually did something AMAZINGLY smart. he made me do these breathing exercises, by conducting me. giving cues to how to breathe and controlling my breath using his hands. Toy Soldier is nonverbal, although he can communicate with music, but he never speaks. just stares at me or does spooky ghost shit and such. but he started conducting my breathing, made me stare into his eyes while standing at attention and raised and lowered his hands just like we did in band to control our breathing and volume. and it relaxed me so much. it's ridiculous how my headpeople come up with ideas that would have NEVER occurred to me. like. what. i'm so thankful for the Toy Soldier. he is absolutely getting a shrine when i move. among others. i got out my old marching uniform tonight and just... put on the jacket. i don't fit into it anymore at all but i just took a deep breath and smelled it. made sure the bibbers and jacket were still dry and clean and safe. that the plume wasn't any more moth-eaten than it was when i got it. i just hold it occasionally and feel the vibes run through me.

- Hiccup.... ahahaha. he won't fucking meet my eyes. you big nerd. SO BASICALLY we've realized that i'm no different in headspace than i am outside with other people, that is to say, if i get sufficiently close to ANY friend i start crushing on them. and it's a little awkward always but in a happy way. but Hiccup is just so... LOL. like he won't meet my eyes right now. there's no bad vibes coming off him he's just like. so shy and confused lmao. i don't think he knows how he feels. you just have to understand that 1: i make friends with people that I think are really good people and 2: I crush on same said types of people pretty consistently. and the main result of that is that i end up getting kinda intimate with sufficiently closely bonded friends. this kinda ties into my "what the fuck is romance and friendship where is the line i literally have no line between the two" thing LOL. and hiccup is so awkward and it's so funny. AND ROANE IS NOT HELPING ONE TINY LITTLE BIT oh my god. i love her. but also i'm irredeemable Fictive Loving Trash. put me directly in the dump. but yeah Hiccup plz relax none of this means A Single Thing no matter what Bird & co say to tease us lmfao. it's nothing. just the way i naturally bond with my fellow humans.

- Also seeing Kyo a lot!! at least relatively a lot. more than before. i called her and she answered. she will always answer. having her around is a HUGE comfort, i swear. and i wasn't prepared for the amount of pure ken, the power she hefts in headspace. it's not surprising since the System literally built itself around her in its first incarnation as the nameless House. she is, in some ways, the foundation of headspace as it stands today. and yet she's not a deity, just a canid-fox science girl who runs around mostly nude and is in love with people and stars. not much ever changes.

- thing we've been doing with Hiro: trust exercises. he's slowly growing past the 'stuck at the front' stage and wants to explore. meaning the city. and i'm still locked out and can't enter the city and don't really have time/energy to work on that so i'm a little scared to let him go, in case i can't find him again. so we have a small blue ribbon tied to a finger on both our hands. if one of us tugs on our end, the other tugs in response to assure them that they're safe and sound. i just don't want him to feel smothered haha. but this helps ease my Mama Hen Anxiety.



also i learned that Roane is not pronounced "roe anne" like i have been saying it since literally three years ago oh my god. i am garbage. mispronouncing people's names is THE WORST I'M THE WORST LMFAO. it's pronounced like roan like the reddish horse color. at least now i know. but i talk about her so much to bb that now i'm stumbling over my words like "Roa-... shit"

had a short nap and had a lot of dreams...


- being at work, but not really the same job i do now. it was like an office job i guess? and a new girl got in trouble for something that I did all the time and she had learned from me... i think it was taking a few kit kats out of a big bowl that might have belonged to someone else or not been meant for me. one of those things you suspect they may not want you to do but they never say anything, and once they do you'll stop but until then you'll assume it's ok, you know? lol. and she got caught with the candies and i stood up for her, having to shout to make my voice heard [because i'm so quiet lol what they might consider speaking at a normal volume feels like shouting to me]. i told them this was MY thing, not hers, she just picked it up from me, if there's a problem, then the problem is with me. so yeah. protecting the innocent.

- i can't tell if i was at work or marching band or some dream combo of the two... but someone gave me some leftover jackets from people who either worked there and quit, or said they would start working and never showed up. and i got to pick from two or three. and i wanted to pick the best size/name. but one of them turned out not to be a work jacket but a Toy Soldier uniform that was old and tattered - i thought "almost like someone had been buried in it" - and deteriorated the more I handled/looked at it, like it was rotting away in my hands. i was really shocked and upset by this in the dream.

- something about being outside in this place that was like my old house/yard but wasn't [very common], and there was this little airplane getting ready to take off. and i had this eerie feeling that it was about to crash. and it did and i was really shocked and frightened! but then it... got back into the air? and crashed again, only to fly and crash again repeatedly? and eventually i got the idea that this was what it was supposed to do? [also the plane was like... a fat soda can in the back??? idk dream stuff] but i was really afraid and confused so i ran inside. and realized that i had left Arty behind in the chicken coop kinda place [that was full of people for some reason, like a crowded museum] outside. so i went back out there after collecting myself.
everything was so confusing, and in my search to find Arty's cage [i guess he had been in his cage with me out there?] i started seeing snakes. a couple of ball pythons wiggling around on the dirt ground of the chicken coop. and then something venomous, looked like maybe a copperhead. and there were a lot of children around, like 4-6 year old kids. walking really close to the snakes, i remember one little toddler repeatedly stepping on part of the venomous snake and it hunched up but didn't seem ready to strike, it was really docile. but i started pulling all the kids away and not shouting, but speaking loudly so they'd pay attention to me. and a few of the kids started getting scared but i told them don't be scared, just move away and leave them alone, they don't want to hurt you. but then their parents noticed so i called the cops to come remove these snakes safely. protecting the innocent again, x2, snakes and children.
they called me back later asking the descriptions of the snakes while i wandered around looking for Arty, and i was really distracted so i couldn't answer very clearly. asked if i had experience with snakes but i hadn't, just read about them a lot, and it confused them a little like why would someone just READ a lot about snakes if they didn't work with them lol. eventually they showed up and fumigated the building. and they wanted me to leave but i still hadn't found Arty and i was kinda stressing out about it because that was what i had worried about them doing. but they made me leave and suddenly like i had this hat blocking me from looking ahead and my vision was limited, all i could do was look at the ground while i walked in circles around the building trying to find an escape when i couldn't see. [this is a dream feature that often happens when i'm going through some sleep paralysis, so i can only assume that's what was going on at the moment.] they had me go through the emergency exit and an alarm went off just like the one at work. so then i was climbing around this chain link fence outside because it was so close to the door that this was my only way out. and while i was climbing around in the mud i realized Arty was on my shoulder again. i dunno how long he had been there. then i wandered around outside confused and disoriented, while the plane continued crashing itself, hurting all over...
then i wandered around outside confused and stressed, and all of my body hurt from running around so much and exerting myself. Then slowly I started to wake up, and realized that my body actually hurt in waking life... because i'd been curled up in one position for too long lol. i forced myself to wake up some more and rolled onto my back to uncurl and relax my joints.

taking a breather today. a personal day. relaxing and watching movies and doing art. talking about stuff with bb. cherishing him being here with me.

still looking at some stuff. we called a couple apartment complexes we haven't tried yet, and a friend called me and told me about a guy she knows [SHE ALWAYS knows a guy whenever i'm in trouble hahaha I love her <3], and another friend is still looking into the room she'll have open only slightly after we need one... we have options. we have more than a few options.

the idea of talking to my dad is stressing me out so much that i might just let it go, i dunno. it's not worth the blood pressure fluctuations for me to worry about it right now at least. it'll happen or it won't, freaking out about it is dumb and painful. Hiccup is pushing me to do it, but... like i told Bird. he's all about pushing me out of my comfort zone, but he wouldn't push me off a cliff. he'd never take me farther than i can go.
and the idea of having that house and those woods back is still really REALLY appealing to me, but... the thing is, it's a four bedroom doublewide and it's entirely realistic that what he pays to keep the power on might be more than i can afford, let alone what more he might want for rent. so. we need to bear that in mind. it's possible that i can still talk to him and get access to that area especially with no one living there now [and i still want to turn the house upside down looking for some of my old things!].

went out for a small drive and the ipod threw a vocaloid song titled Apartment at me, and then immediately afterward, Apartment Story by The National. wellp.

Every day's an adventure when headspace is around. <3

Had a mild anxiety attack last night, didn't progress into full blown panic, but Hiccup was there and continuing in his attempts to break the automatic barriers or "doors that close" when I get nervous or stressed, managed to manhandle them partially open so he wasn't entirely locked out. He only partially succeeded for a while, then finally was able to get all the way through and proceeded to wrestle me for control of the front. Which normally sounds bad, but I was in a bad state of mind and he knew it.
At that time I had taken dragon shape in headspace, and... basically picture in your mind the scene from Spirited Away, when the dragon Haku has swallowed the poison seal and Chihiro is holding his jaws shut with her whole body to force him to swallow the medicine, while the dragon thrashes to get free... That's basically what happened, I was in a similar panicked, not all there state of mind and he was fighting for control and peace. I'm not sure why this paragraph is hard for me to get out correctly, it was an entirely positive situation minus the mental place I was in. In the end he won out and had me restrained for my own safety, with a sort of haphazard bridle that he'd shut my jaws with and pinned my muzzle to my neck in headspace. Sounds painful but my dragon shape can do this easily.
A while later, we found Hiro - curled up in the back with a sucker in his mouth. Sigh. I think he's going through much the same thing that Hiccup did in the beginning, getting past that 'this must be some weird kind of dream' stage and realizing that you're forever separated from the life you remember. What's more, his familial loss feels a whole lot more recent and un-healed than Hiccup's did when he first came. So we've had him near us since then, swaddled in a blanket in a comfy chair near the front. Watching, mostly quiet, although we did get him to talk a little early this morning. We had him watch some more of Hiccup's source material today, and he was quiet but mostly attentive. We'll just try to let him heal as best we can, and talk him through anything that comes up.

Not a lot happened today, just took a shower and my hair looks amazing now. :P Time for one more work shift, then finally the weekend. These five day weeks are rough man.

Day off :3

List of things we will need for the apartment: This excludes things that bb will want that i'm not particularly interested in [i.e. PS4] but includes things that I want that he isn't interested in. also not a complete list by any means, just stuff that pops into my head.


- coffee maker
- silverware, some dishes but right now we have the basics [a few mugs and bowls and basic cooking supplies] luckily
- blinds/curtains
- Wii and at least some games
- probably another bookshelf
- coffee table, the only real table we have rn is my card table and i would rly like to keep that used for art
- my small tv/vcr out of the utility room i guess?
- eventually a new gamecube from SPG, was quoted $30 [my gc won't play wind waker lol :c]


Notes on the wii: I texted the mom asking her what her thoughts are on me taking it with me when I leave, since literally no one plays with it except occasionally me and bb. [i would definitely play with it more if i was in my own home... don't get me started on all the things that will change when i don't have to hide in one small room for privacy]  She might be asleep, so i might not get a response until later. I kinda doubt she'd be agreeable since the brother is still young, but he has absolutely no interest in any game other than call of duty nowadays so i don't really see him missing it if i did take it along. a couple of the games [not exactly sure which ones, will have to go through them] and the pro controller are mine, possibly some other stuff. It would be really nice and save me like $30-50, nevermind buying the games over again. Also we paid for mario kart 64 on virtual console on there, among a few other titles. It'd just be nice to have them. Edit: She got back to me, says she will think about it. That's about what I expected to hear. There's a chance! :3

He's heeeeere!!!!! The mail arrived 15 minutes after we left, typical :v but whatever, he's here and he's perfect and I love himmmm. Can't wait til I get the 3DS adapter so I can actually use him and Pikachu. :D


List time!! Amiibos that I want in order of most desired:

- Little Mac
- Charizard [not announced but there's no way it's not happening]
- Pikachu
- Bowser and/or King Dedede [cannot decide; may go with both!]
- Greninja [again no way it's not happening]
- Duck Hunt [assuming it gets made]
- Toon Link?
- Link [bb is getting this for himself :3]


Normally I'd want Lucario, but from what I've seen the figure looks wayyy too bright blue, it's almost off model. I'm undecided. Bb might want him.

I honestly didn't believe the discontinuation rumors but, yeah, it seems that's the way Nintendo is going with these. I didn't expect that, but maybe with the high quality of these figures they're in a bit over their heads trying to produce over 50 different models times a few hundred million each. No matter... I have all the ones that are currently out that I must own, and the rest I can pre order and guarantee. I do hope that they actually make all of the characters into amiibos, but I get the feeling that this whole line is not quite going as planned what with all the discontinuation after only a few weeks of sales. All this makes me want to collect them all, but... no. Must restrain myself and only get the ones that are my mains, look super cool or would be very useful as FPs in game.

Happy new year!!

I've pretty much slept the entire day away. Woke up at 1 from work, which is later than usual, then curled up for a nap two hours later and dozed off and on until 7. Now it's dark and I have coffee. We'll see what the night brings. I don't feel bad about the possibility of staying up all night, I've already had plenty of sleep. Don't feel bad about napping all day, either. Been forever since I've done that, and you need a nap day now and then. Maybe this is my clean start for the year. :]

Work was horrible last night as expected, I think it might have been even crazier than last year. But, at about 3 am I handed a customer back his change, and he sneakily shoved a $20 into my hand with his other hand, said "Happy new year, Kris!*" and drove off with a huge smile, leaving me no time to protest. Not that I could, I was stunned. I'm not technically allowed to accept those type of things or tips or what have you, but not only did I not have enough time, I'm definitely saying screw that. That was the highlight of my night, the thing that made it worthwhile. Working new years really sucks, that guy made my night. Thank you, dude. <3 I'll spend it wisely.

* Kris is the name I go by at work. It's part of my legal name, I haven't brought up Oliver yet and truthfully I don't want to use it in a professional respect until I'm at least more passing as male. I don't want to ever be seen as 'Oliver the girl'.

Yep, I feel very chill after all this napping. It's good. No Little Mac today, in fact I don't think the mail came today at all. So, tomorrow, then. <3

SO

I GOT

TOMODACHI LIFE

i... may have been a bit irresponsible in not waiting until wednesday and i hope i didn't overdraw my account >_>'

well basically long story short, i didn't have too much interest in it UNTIL... i watched PBG's video on it. [another thing i didn't have much interest in until recently: PBG.] the customizable voices were the biggest thing that sold me on it for.... some reason? that and the rude musical numbers. omg.

SO FAR: it's pretty freakin' fun omg. but also what have i gotten into, i don't need ANOTHER animal crossing-like game that runs in real-time and you have to feed and clothe people and omg. so far it seems like the sims meets animal crossing, somewhat, but with a lot more as well. i haven't unlocked very much, but... GONNA MAKE MIIS OF ALL MY FRIENDS. hohoho. i made a jontron mii also LOL i can't wait to move him in.

BUT YES AS EXPECTED THE VOICE CUSTOMIZATION IS AMAZING. I love it. the text to speech is amazingly good and very easy to understand. awesome.

soooo ya other stuff..... let's see

- i made SIGILS. YAS. and i wrote down some of byewitchedkid's sigils because they are amazing holy crap. and i made TWO SIGILS ALL ON MY OWN loosely based on their methods and other methods around the internets. i have M A N Y ideas for sigils. so many. ways to use them, invoke them, charge them, revoke and dismiss and break them if needed.... you can all blame:

- Sabriel by Garth Nix, which is on its own bullet point because... I FINALLY GOT BB TO READ IT HOHOHOHOHOhohohohoh i'm so happy. y'all have no fucking idea how influential that book was to me in my spirituality and headworld stuff. it's a Big Deal to me. and he was bored and had finished his book so i pulled out Sabriel from the shelf for him to read, and he accepted it and is now ALREADY LIKE HALFWAY THROUGH. he told me he is at the part where Mogget is drawing a map. I'M SO GLAD HE KNOWS WHO MOGGET IS. he knew Stormy his whole life without ever really appreciating my desire to make for him a little red collar with a bell on it, and i never got the chance before he passed away. i'm probably gonna read it after he reads it so we can talk and talk about it because aFDJGSDFFG. and maybe he'll be interested enough that i will go find Lirael somewhere for us to read, because i've never read it all the way through and i don't own it. yes. good


ok, and now time to go get food before my [mercifully much shorter than the last two] work night. saturday SUCKED BILLIONS OF DICKS, and sunday was much chiller but SO SLOW and lasted for an eternity. today should be... normal i think. hopefully it'll be over with in a snap. whenever T goes on vacation working there becomes much more of a chore, so >_< day off tomorroooowwwwww!

i can't shake the feeling of anguish and guilt from my dream last night. as in waking life, nothing was really my fault, but everything i did came with an intense feeling of worry and dread. like i said, kinda like real life.

hello, october. be good to me. fill me with the darkness. i'll use it to empower me.

i'm feeling the coyote, the monster, every time the cold creeps in. it's still staying mostly at bay, but every so often i'll feel a tendril of cold and the autumn creeps up my bones. i should draw it.

i wanted a bowl of count chocula to start the month off, buuuut we have no milk. so it's mac and cheese, and maybe some pumpkin spice coffee. with bailey's creamer. -w-

i'm still not sure what's caused my heart palpitations, but i suspect my manager was right, that it was anxiety. i haven't felt a single one since i've been home for a few days. i'm worried that it's also... like exertion? that's causing it? i feel so terribly weak when they happen. like i'm sick and any random thing could just kill me somehow. and then... it would be my fault because i didn't work out enough? lmao. the anxiety works in terrible ways.

today i'm going to clean up a bit. open up my altar for the holiest month of the year. i need to make sure and ask my GM about getting off for Samhain.