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thebrokenarrowsspent some money today that i shouldn't have, perhaps, but A- more gelly roll/Sakura pens @_@ almost half off too. and B- the holiday season is beginning. watched countless people hurry in and out of stores accompanied by screaming children, harried, stressed, miserable. and here i was blowing eight bucks on fucking pokemon cards, BECAUSE I CAN. and i'm just really enjoying that right now. heck, it's possible that when we get the apartment i won't be able to ever spend money on little things like that for a while, and that's fine, i'll deal with that when it happens, but for now i'm enjoying my childfree choice and wondering at the misery everyone around me seems to put themselves in because they feel obligated. it's a nice feeling, being free.
bb and i drove through town, watching the people putting up their spooky decorations and seeing the trees finally starting to turn, and talked of the Veil thinning. and of superstition and belief, and how we both feel about it, which is very much the same. [one more reason i'm super lucky to have him as my partner! he GETS IT and also feels the same way about something that's so hard for me to articulate!]
i definitely need to visit the cemetery there near CATA. i've never been there and it's That Time, a good time for me to visit the dead. and HEY! suddenly realized that's probably what i need that gravy jar for that i felt compelled to clean out and save. graveyard dirt! i was about to say... aaaand they threw it out, the fuckers. instead of putting it in my room, like they do with any dishes in the sink, they threw it away. just proves that they're doing it not "to be fair", as their excuse always goes, but just to punish me for some imagined slight. /rolls eyes. whatever. i'll put graveyard dirt in plastic tupperware if i must. it's not less magic for the container that temporarily holds it.
but anyway, what we were talking about.. basically it goes like this. do i literally believe in things like the Veil's Thinning, spirits, fae, ghosts, wards, spells and other such things? do i think they exist in the physical tangible world? no, not at all. BUT, i feel the need to pay my respects, be aware, etc. anyway. not out of fear -- superstition, maybe, but not fear. everything i feel about the "spiritual" world is a positive feeling, or else i wouldn't bother. it's just something that i vibe with, resonate with on a mental and creative level. it just works for me. it feels right, so i do it.
i feel like hardcore atheists - and even some christians/abrahamicists - would have a really hard time with this, like why "believe" or partake in behavior concerning something that you can't sense or prove is real by science? well, science doesn't have anything to do with it. [and yet, it really does and is the basis of my religion, just not necessarily THESE parts, the spirit and 'supernatural' so to speak parts.] for me, this is a heart thing, not only a mind thing. this is something i do for me, first and foremost. for others around me, but mostly to improve my climate, mentally, emotionally and physically. going at Samhain season and paying respects to the 'spirits', echoes, vibrations, memories, whatever word you like to use, of dead folks that i never met in life, making ritual for them, giving offerings etc. is something i do for the spirits, but also for me, to enrich myself. i may not believe that there is a conscious life after death, but that's not related, as strange as it may sound at first glance. it makes me feel good, so i do it. i'm not hurting myself or causing myself to fall for other people's trickery or getting scammed into things, as believers in the christian god unfortunately often do. everything i "fall for", i do so completely willingly, knowingly and purposely.
you see, there is a method to my madness - a very important part of doing witchcraft, doing magick, is KNOWING that the element of belief is very important. if you're not confident that what you're putting out into the world will work for you, then it has no power. magick and witchcraft are ways for you to help yourself. and - at least in my Path - not necessarily by manipulating some unseen force in the Universe, but firstly and foremostly by manipulating your own mind and subconscious, bringing about the best parts of yourself by "fooling" your mind into believing that an outside talisman, or an invisible protection will aid you. long story short: even if you have no belief in magic as a force, or souls, or anything "supernatural", it is still completely possible to work witchcraft as long as you are able to alter your own mindset to accept and believe in yourself and your own actions.
a big part of this for me is headworld. and coming to understand that the world within isn't just "all in your head, made up, imaginary, means nothing". etc. it has a HUGE impact on your outer life!!! HUGE. or else things like anxiety, depression, etc. would have no effect. even if all that the world within boils down to is chemicals and electrical signals. that's 100% fine, it makes no difference to me. i don't believe that headworld is a magical place far away that somehow, only i have connection to - although i won't completely rule it out :P - but you see, it doesn't MATTER what my opinion on it is. the fact is, my inner life MATTERS. and i can project the rules of my inner life onto my outer life, for my own benefit, because it all comes back to in here. everything from the outside world is percieved BY my inner world. that's how i see the world. so i might as well use the powers of the world within to help me through my journey in the world without. does that make sense?
here's an example. i put up wards around my room about a year ago, so they need redoing, but they aren't some kind of invisible pixie dust. they're MENTAL wards. and i need to BELIEVE that they will do what I told them to do. if i don't believe that that will happen "by some magical force", then they will fall apart and i'll lose all confidence in them. or rather, i'll lose all confidence AND they will fall apart, because my confidence that they will work is what keeps them there. that is what it means to be a witch. that's why witches always seem so smug and selfsure, hahaha. because that's the nature of our work!
you might understand now why i will never be able to explain my thoughts to hardcore atheists. and you see, i'm one of them! not "hardcore" as in the argument on youtube and shit type hardcore, but i'm an atheist myself! i have no belief in any literal god in the world outside. though i will pay respects to them behaving as if they exist regardless. because A: if they actually do exist, then it's worth my time to appeal to them wholeheartedly if i'm trying to "use" them for my own gain, and B: even if they don't, it's worth my time to tell myself for the duration of the appeal that they do, and act accordingly, because it helps me with the "illusion" that gives me strength/courage/whatever. i'm helping myself, and if i'm actually being aided by outside spirits, so much the better.
the ONLY time my belief has really been shaken, meaning i was totally unsure of my understanding of gods not actually existing in the outside world, was when i worked actively with Loki a couple of years ago. but after a couple of years i understand that's completely to be expected when working with spirits of Chaos, or fae, or any such thing. that's pretty much the nature of Chaos. it will fuck up your worldview. if that's what you need, Loki's your 'man'. :P
so yeah. i'm just very thankful that i have a job that accepts my religious holidays without question. i only ask for one or tops 2 per year. and i get NO trouble, which is a first. and i know that i cannot accept a job that would do anything less than this from now on. this is the first time where i've needed to move on from a job and not because i was DESPERATE to get out of a very bad situation and would accept literally anything. i need to move up in life. i can and i must. i must find something better and more professional and less soul-sucking if at all possible. which still gives me 30-40 hours, 20 minimum.
arty is sitting on my keyboard drawer and singing merrily. ;w; what a cute bebe. i'm singing along with him. i love my little bird son.
bb left for a halloween party! he's dressed up as a "ninja", not actually a ninja but a historical Japanese stagehand. which is rather nerdy and clever actually, because if you don't know, the stereotypical all-black "ninja" getup we have in the West comes from Japanese theatre, where when someone was assassinated by a ninja during the play, they would have a stagehand - someone dressed in all black, who everyone knew to overlook and ignore - suddenly pop out and murder him. it was to denote that a ninja was an expert at blending in and being unseen, because a real "ninja outfit" would just be normal clothing for the period! of course! so the person was assassinated by an "invisible" person, a stagehand. which is SO clever and so Japanese and i love the way that country thinks.
aaaand bb got into yet another accident while driving to that party. fucking hell. that boy scares me. it was just a fender bender, just a scratch and shit but like. seriously. actually it sounds like it was the other guy's fault, but he just keeps getting into accidents! :[ it makes me so nervous. it makes me want him to never drive long distances, weh.
my tummy has been upset since we ate at captain d's, i wonder if the fish disagreed with me. :[ unhappy poops keep happening. i need this to not be the case when i'm at work, k thx.
bb and i drove through town, watching the people putting up their spooky decorations and seeing the trees finally starting to turn, and talked of the Veil thinning. and of superstition and belief, and how we both feel about it, which is very much the same. [one more reason i'm super lucky to have him as my partner! he GETS IT and also feels the same way about something that's so hard for me to articulate!]
i definitely need to visit the cemetery there near CATA. i've never been there and it's That Time, a good time for me to visit the dead. and HEY! suddenly realized that's probably what i need that gravy jar for that i felt compelled to clean out and save. graveyard dirt! i was about to say... aaaand they threw it out, the fuckers. instead of putting it in my room, like they do with any dishes in the sink, they threw it away. just proves that they're doing it not "to be fair", as their excuse always goes, but just to punish me for some imagined slight. /rolls eyes. whatever. i'll put graveyard dirt in plastic tupperware if i must. it's not less magic for the container that temporarily holds it.
but anyway, what we were talking about.. basically it goes like this. do i literally believe in things like the Veil's Thinning, spirits, fae, ghosts, wards, spells and other such things? do i think they exist in the physical tangible world? no, not at all. BUT, i feel the need to pay my respects, be aware, etc. anyway. not out of fear -- superstition, maybe, but not fear. everything i feel about the "spiritual" world is a positive feeling, or else i wouldn't bother. it's just something that i vibe with, resonate with on a mental and creative level. it just works for me. it feels right, so i do it.
i feel like hardcore atheists - and even some christians/abrahamicists - would have a really hard time with this, like why "believe" or partake in behavior concerning something that you can't sense or prove is real by science? well, science doesn't have anything to do with it. [and yet, it really does and is the basis of my religion, just not necessarily THESE parts, the spirit and 'supernatural' so to speak parts.] for me, this is a heart thing, not only a mind thing. this is something i do for me, first and foremost. for others around me, but mostly to improve my climate, mentally, emotionally and physically. going at Samhain season and paying respects to the 'spirits', echoes, vibrations, memories, whatever word you like to use, of dead folks that i never met in life, making ritual for them, giving offerings etc. is something i do for the spirits, but also for me, to enrich myself. i may not believe that there is a conscious life after death, but that's not related, as strange as it may sound at first glance. it makes me feel good, so i do it. i'm not hurting myself or causing myself to fall for other people's trickery or getting scammed into things, as believers in the christian god unfortunately often do. everything i "fall for", i do so completely willingly, knowingly and purposely.
you see, there is a method to my madness - a very important part of doing witchcraft, doing magick, is KNOWING that the element of belief is very important. if you're not confident that what you're putting out into the world will work for you, then it has no power. magick and witchcraft are ways for you to help yourself. and - at least in my Path - not necessarily by manipulating some unseen force in the Universe, but firstly and foremostly by manipulating your own mind and subconscious, bringing about the best parts of yourself by "fooling" your mind into believing that an outside talisman, or an invisible protection will aid you. long story short: even if you have no belief in magic as a force, or souls, or anything "supernatural", it is still completely possible to work witchcraft as long as you are able to alter your own mindset to accept and believe in yourself and your own actions.
a big part of this for me is headworld. and coming to understand that the world within isn't just "all in your head, made up, imaginary, means nothing". etc. it has a HUGE impact on your outer life!!! HUGE. or else things like anxiety, depression, etc. would have no effect. even if all that the world within boils down to is chemicals and electrical signals. that's 100% fine, it makes no difference to me. i don't believe that headworld is a magical place far away that somehow, only i have connection to - although i won't completely rule it out :P - but you see, it doesn't MATTER what my opinion on it is. the fact is, my inner life MATTERS. and i can project the rules of my inner life onto my outer life, for my own benefit, because it all comes back to in here. everything from the outside world is percieved BY my inner world. that's how i see the world. so i might as well use the powers of the world within to help me through my journey in the world without. does that make sense?
here's an example. i put up wards around my room about a year ago, so they need redoing, but they aren't some kind of invisible pixie dust. they're MENTAL wards. and i need to BELIEVE that they will do what I told them to do. if i don't believe that that will happen "by some magical force", then they will fall apart and i'll lose all confidence in them. or rather, i'll lose all confidence AND they will fall apart, because my confidence that they will work is what keeps them there. that is what it means to be a witch. that's why witches always seem so smug and selfsure, hahaha. because that's the nature of our work!
you might understand now why i will never be able to explain my thoughts to hardcore atheists. and you see, i'm one of them! not "hardcore" as in the argument on youtube and shit type hardcore, but i'm an atheist myself! i have no belief in any literal god in the world outside. though i will pay respects to them behaving as if they exist regardless. because A: if they actually do exist, then it's worth my time to appeal to them wholeheartedly if i'm trying to "use" them for my own gain, and B: even if they don't, it's worth my time to tell myself for the duration of the appeal that they do, and act accordingly, because it helps me with the "illusion" that gives me strength/courage/whatever. i'm helping myself, and if i'm actually being aided by outside spirits, so much the better.
the ONLY time my belief has really been shaken, meaning i was totally unsure of my understanding of gods not actually existing in the outside world, was when i worked actively with Loki a couple of years ago. but after a couple of years i understand that's completely to be expected when working with spirits of Chaos, or fae, or any such thing. that's pretty much the nature of Chaos. it will fuck up your worldview. if that's what you need, Loki's your 'man'. :P
so yeah. i'm just very thankful that i have a job that accepts my religious holidays without question. i only ask for one or tops 2 per year. and i get NO trouble, which is a first. and i know that i cannot accept a job that would do anything less than this from now on. this is the first time where i've needed to move on from a job and not because i was DESPERATE to get out of a very bad situation and would accept literally anything. i need to move up in life. i can and i must. i must find something better and more professional and less soul-sucking if at all possible. which still gives me 30-40 hours, 20 minimum.
arty is sitting on my keyboard drawer and singing merrily. ;w; what a cute bebe. i'm singing along with him. i love my little bird son.
bb left for a halloween party! he's dressed up as a "ninja", not actually a ninja but a historical Japanese stagehand. which is rather nerdy and clever actually, because if you don't know, the stereotypical all-black "ninja" getup we have in the West comes from Japanese theatre, where when someone was assassinated by a ninja during the play, they would have a stagehand - someone dressed in all black, who everyone knew to overlook and ignore - suddenly pop out and murder him. it was to denote that a ninja was an expert at blending in and being unseen, because a real "ninja outfit" would just be normal clothing for the period! of course! so the person was assassinated by an "invisible" person, a stagehand. which is SO clever and so Japanese and i love the way that country thinks.
aaaand bb got into yet another accident while driving to that party. fucking hell. that boy scares me. it was just a fender bender, just a scratch and shit but like. seriously. actually it sounds like it was the other guy's fault, but he just keeps getting into accidents! :[ it makes me so nervous. it makes me want him to never drive long distances, weh.
my tummy has been upset since we ate at captain d's, i wonder if the fish disagreed with me. :[ unhappy poops keep happening. i need this to not be the case when i'm at work, k thx.
