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Oct. 19th, 2014 07:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thebrokenarrowshella tired. prob gonna nap later. but that's ok.
so Welcome To The Black Parade has been stuck in my head looping continuously for two days now. help. it means a lot to me, that song, but.... stahp. it's wearing ruts in my brain.
i brought the big heavy duty space heater out from storage this morning when i woke up, as well as a few of my long sleeve shirts. which i don't have enough of. i have way too goddamn many t shirts, and a few reminders of past attempts at clothing change which failed, but not enough simple long sleeved shirts or tshirts.
eeehhh i'm just tired and chilly and wanna crawl back in the bed. when i got home from work this morning i was so tired i couldn't sleep, and i hadn't seen bb all day, so i accidentally just kept him up for an hour chattering and talking and sharing stories about our day. then his alarm went off and it was time to go to festival. whoops. but he didn't mind, it was the only time we got to talk all day, not even through text. i couldn't sleep even after he left for ren fest, so i played some animal crossing and then finally fell out.
now i'm brewing pumpkin spice coffee and it smells HEAVENLY. i wish it tasted as pumpkiny as it smelled.
update: it is still delicious and just the thing i needed today i think. i'm really tired. i probably need some more sleep. or maybe it's just my friday of the week. lol
maaaaAAAN i'm trying really really hard to save up for my computer. money just can't come in quick enough. i need a new laptop and a TABLET for DIGITAL ART and IM GONNA DO THE THING GODDAMN IT I'M FINALLY IN A REASONABLY HEALTHY ART SITUATION FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LIKE FOUR YEARS I'M GONNA GET BACK INTO DIGITAL ART IF IT KILLS ME
gonna shell out for a Wacom. fo real. i've only ever had kinda cheap and shitty tablets with no apparent pressure sensitivity [they were supposed to have it?? but i never could make it work for some reason]. so no buying secondhand from ebay, i'm going straight to the source and getting a brand new Wacom tablet. give. me. i've wanted a Wacom tablet since before you even had to specify that you want a GRAPHICS tablet because "tablets" and ipads and such didn't EXIST. wehhh
so when i get my computer i'm buying the laptop itself, a headset probably with a half decent microphone for various reasons, and a Wacom tablet. the headset is lowest priority, so if i'm short on cash it can wait, but i'm pretty set on buying the computer and tablet together if i can.
so remember a couple years back when Pokemon Center put out their substitute doll plushes and they ZOOMED off the shelf in the blink of an eye? and i knew it was hopeless that i'd ever get one now? LOL. suddenly i kinda wanted one and i looked on ebay and they're selling for either like 10 bucks, 20, or 150+. the 10 buck ones are probably either shipping bullshit or bootleg, at least. but you know what, when it comes down to it, i might not care too much if the substitute is a bootleg. it's not a pokemon itself, just a pokemon related plush... idk? i might actually get one booty or not some day. not now though. computer is needed.
random thought, it's October and that means pink fuckness month thanks to a certain corrupt as hell "charity" scam organization, sexualizing deadly diseases because they happen to an extremely highly sexualized body part. and it just reminds me forcefully of the fact that i have tits and i hate them SO much. and guess what? my grandmother had to have a mastectomy this/last year? because of breast cancer. that's the first sign that i'm aware of of it being in the family, and it just makes me want to get them the fuck off me that much more desperately.
honestly i don't know why any women deal with having breasts if the risk of getting cancer is so high, why not just cut them off and save yourself the danger??? especially if you don't really like your boobs that much, i could understand if you just really enjoyed having boobs but [maybe this is the dysphoria talking] it's hard for me to imagine actually enjoying having these heavy annoying things sitting on your chest unable to get out of your way???
one thing that gives me dysphoria worse than almost ANYTHING else is shirt shopping. hooooly shit. just seeing mannequins or models showing off their good looking flat chests. i LOVE nice looking male chests god damn. they seem like such an important body part to me, maybe i'm just more focused on it due to dysphoria. anytime, ANYtime i see a guy wearing a shirt that i want, or one in the store, or like ANY kind of chest covering clothing that i like, i drool over it and how good their chest looks in it but then i remember that i can NEVER wear it, or at least i have to go into thousands in debt, pain, etc before i can even think about ever wearing it. if i put it on it either wouldn't fit at all, or the front would bulge sickeningly, stretch the material beyond repair, and destroy my otherwise reasonable and nice silhouette. ugh i fucking HATE THESE FATSACKS HOLY CRAP DYSPHORIA IS STRONG RN.
i need NEED chest surgery. so bad. my tits are too big for binders to work very well, or at least so it seems. even the best fitting ones i've tried barely work if at all, and they hurt and are so uncomfortable and limit my movement... please just give me the surgery.
i'll probably just do the DM and deal with the huge scars and weird nipple shit/possibly no nipples at all, that's fine, although the one that my friend unicorn_boi on instagram had/is having is really interesting and not one i see people talking about much. something about areolar reduction? basically they cut the nipple out like normal, cut back the skin around the areola bit by bit [this usually takes more than one surgery] so that the chest gradually tightens up and looks more natural. like, what i like about it is that the top of your chest is not suddenly the bottom of your chest grafted on, the bottom skin is the same location that it was when you were a kid. it just seems more natural to me. i kinda like this idea, but idk if i could do it, if my skin is good enough? idk?
i think dysphoria is warping my perception, but i always feel like the skin around the bottoms of my breasts is hideously stretched and scarred and otherwise marred by the massive growth, unnatural rubbing etc. it's endured over the years.
IDK I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE BREASTS SUCK SO MUCH I HATE HAVING THEM SOMEDAY I WILL BE FREE OF THEM. i could give a shit less about my genitals, it will be really nice if my clit grows on T and stuff but like, it's fine, my vulva and shit are compact and don't get in my way and when i'm not ready for sexytime i don't have to worry about a damn thing. it's totally cool with me, that can stay the way it is. but BOOBS HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME i have dealt with them since i was eleven and i feel them sitting on my arms right now limiting my arms' range of movement and i feel sick. this is why i don't wear binders or bras or anything when i'm at home, i just go bare chested and try to pretend they're not there, just ignore them completely. binding just reminds me constantly that i have a big bulging obnoxious chest that feels terrible and gets in my way and makes people treat me wrongly and FUCK.
hahah i literally made myself nauseous enough to stop speaking out loud in the middle of a sentence, too much dysphoria. gonna stop.
arty is Very Cranky for no apparent reason today. much bite. such beak nips on my ears.
ok but SERIOUSLY, i have got to stop commenting on LJ communities. maybe even stop following certain ones. if i have an opinion, i should never EVER EVER fucking comment it on an LJ communities. LJ is the worst for being filled with people who are ready and willing to take your text comment and interpret it in the most offensive tone they can imagine, and reply thusly.
man i feel like my mental stability is kinda low today. i just have really stable and then less stable days, apparently at random. because i EXPECTED that this week would start out easy, then get progressively harder and tonight would be utter hell. i remember saying that it would be like a video game, where theoretically tonight would be level 5 out of 5. when in fact, day 1 was great, day 2 was absolutely miserable, days 3 and 4 were kinda shitty but my mental state stayed afloat really well the whole night and i was fine, and day 5.... is looking like it might end on a high note unless shit happens i guess.
i don't know how to predict how my brain will act on a given day, and it might just be COMPLETELY RANDOM although that seems unlikely to me. it must be hormones or malnutrition or something logical, right? but what it FEELS like is i wake up in the morning and my brain rolls a d20 to determine my mental/emotional stability for the day. and the past two days it's been pretty high, but today it's like 5 or 6. not DISMALLY bad, [like for example friday was probably a 2 or 3 at best] but pretty unstable and prone to letting little things get to me that i otherwise would be able to turn the other cheek to. like stupid LJ comments, for example.
just gonna do my best and keep a high spirit. breathe, ground, center. keep wearing my heart and my pentacle and claw ring, and tina's coat. and either getting MEGA MONEY for my time [actually getting paid a suitable amount per hour for the work i do for a few hours would be amazing], over 11 bucks an hour, or getting let go early, or a combination of both, after approxiomately 2 am tonight.
so Welcome To The Black Parade has been stuck in my head looping continuously for two days now. help. it means a lot to me, that song, but.... stahp. it's wearing ruts in my brain.
i brought the big heavy duty space heater out from storage this morning when i woke up, as well as a few of my long sleeve shirts. which i don't have enough of. i have way too goddamn many t shirts, and a few reminders of past attempts at clothing change which failed, but not enough simple long sleeved shirts or tshirts.
eeehhh i'm just tired and chilly and wanna crawl back in the bed. when i got home from work this morning i was so tired i couldn't sleep, and i hadn't seen bb all day, so i accidentally just kept him up for an hour chattering and talking and sharing stories about our day. then his alarm went off and it was time to go to festival. whoops. but he didn't mind, it was the only time we got to talk all day, not even through text. i couldn't sleep even after he left for ren fest, so i played some animal crossing and then finally fell out.
now i'm brewing pumpkin spice coffee and it smells HEAVENLY. i wish it tasted as pumpkiny as it smelled.
update: it is still delicious and just the thing i needed today i think. i'm really tired. i probably need some more sleep. or maybe it's just my friday of the week. lol
maaaaAAAN i'm trying really really hard to save up for my computer. money just can't come in quick enough. i need a new laptop and a TABLET for DIGITAL ART and IM GONNA DO THE THING GODDAMN IT I'M FINALLY IN A REASONABLY HEALTHY ART SITUATION FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LIKE FOUR YEARS I'M GONNA GET BACK INTO DIGITAL ART IF IT KILLS ME
gonna shell out for a Wacom. fo real. i've only ever had kinda cheap and shitty tablets with no apparent pressure sensitivity [they were supposed to have it?? but i never could make it work for some reason]. so no buying secondhand from ebay, i'm going straight to the source and getting a brand new Wacom tablet. give. me. i've wanted a Wacom tablet since before you even had to specify that you want a GRAPHICS tablet because "tablets" and ipads and such didn't EXIST. wehhh
so when i get my computer i'm buying the laptop itself, a headset probably with a half decent microphone for various reasons, and a Wacom tablet. the headset is lowest priority, so if i'm short on cash it can wait, but i'm pretty set on buying the computer and tablet together if i can.
so remember a couple years back when Pokemon Center put out their substitute doll plushes and they ZOOMED off the shelf in the blink of an eye? and i knew it was hopeless that i'd ever get one now? LOL. suddenly i kinda wanted one and i looked on ebay and they're selling for either like 10 bucks, 20, or 150+. the 10 buck ones are probably either shipping bullshit or bootleg, at least. but you know what, when it comes down to it, i might not care too much if the substitute is a bootleg. it's not a pokemon itself, just a pokemon related plush... idk? i might actually get one booty or not some day. not now though. computer is needed.
random thought, it's October and that means pink fuckness month thanks to a certain corrupt as hell "charity" scam organization, sexualizing deadly diseases because they happen to an extremely highly sexualized body part. and it just reminds me forcefully of the fact that i have tits and i hate them SO much. and guess what? my grandmother had to have a mastectomy this/last year? because of breast cancer. that's the first sign that i'm aware of of it being in the family, and it just makes me want to get them the fuck off me that much more desperately.
honestly i don't know why any women deal with having breasts if the risk of getting cancer is so high, why not just cut them off and save yourself the danger??? especially if you don't really like your boobs that much, i could understand if you just really enjoyed having boobs but [maybe this is the dysphoria talking] it's hard for me to imagine actually enjoying having these heavy annoying things sitting on your chest unable to get out of your way???
one thing that gives me dysphoria worse than almost ANYTHING else is shirt shopping. hooooly shit. just seeing mannequins or models showing off their good looking flat chests. i LOVE nice looking male chests god damn. they seem like such an important body part to me, maybe i'm just more focused on it due to dysphoria. anytime, ANYtime i see a guy wearing a shirt that i want, or one in the store, or like ANY kind of chest covering clothing that i like, i drool over it and how good their chest looks in it but then i remember that i can NEVER wear it, or at least i have to go into thousands in debt, pain, etc before i can even think about ever wearing it. if i put it on it either wouldn't fit at all, or the front would bulge sickeningly, stretch the material beyond repair, and destroy my otherwise reasonable and nice silhouette. ugh i fucking HATE THESE FATSACKS HOLY CRAP DYSPHORIA IS STRONG RN.
i need NEED chest surgery. so bad. my tits are too big for binders to work very well, or at least so it seems. even the best fitting ones i've tried barely work if at all, and they hurt and are so uncomfortable and limit my movement... please just give me the surgery.
i'll probably just do the DM and deal with the huge scars and weird nipple shit/possibly no nipples at all, that's fine, although the one that my friend unicorn_boi on instagram had/is having is really interesting and not one i see people talking about much. something about areolar reduction? basically they cut the nipple out like normal, cut back the skin around the areola bit by bit [this usually takes more than one surgery] so that the chest gradually tightens up and looks more natural. like, what i like about it is that the top of your chest is not suddenly the bottom of your chest grafted on, the bottom skin is the same location that it was when you were a kid. it just seems more natural to me. i kinda like this idea, but idk if i could do it, if my skin is good enough? idk?
i think dysphoria is warping my perception, but i always feel like the skin around the bottoms of my breasts is hideously stretched and scarred and otherwise marred by the massive growth, unnatural rubbing etc. it's endured over the years.
IDK I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE BREASTS SUCK SO MUCH I HATE HAVING THEM SOMEDAY I WILL BE FREE OF THEM. i could give a shit less about my genitals, it will be really nice if my clit grows on T and stuff but like, it's fine, my vulva and shit are compact and don't get in my way and when i'm not ready for sexytime i don't have to worry about a damn thing. it's totally cool with me, that can stay the way it is. but BOOBS HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME i have dealt with them since i was eleven and i feel them sitting on my arms right now limiting my arms' range of movement and i feel sick. this is why i don't wear binders or bras or anything when i'm at home, i just go bare chested and try to pretend they're not there, just ignore them completely. binding just reminds me constantly that i have a big bulging obnoxious chest that feels terrible and gets in my way and makes people treat me wrongly and FUCK.
hahah i literally made myself nauseous enough to stop speaking out loud in the middle of a sentence, too much dysphoria. gonna stop.
arty is Very Cranky for no apparent reason today. much bite. such beak nips on my ears.
ok but SERIOUSLY, i have got to stop commenting on LJ communities. maybe even stop following certain ones. if i have an opinion, i should never EVER EVER fucking comment it on an LJ communities. LJ is the worst for being filled with people who are ready and willing to take your text comment and interpret it in the most offensive tone they can imagine, and reply thusly.
man i feel like my mental stability is kinda low today. i just have really stable and then less stable days, apparently at random. because i EXPECTED that this week would start out easy, then get progressively harder and tonight would be utter hell. i remember saying that it would be like a video game, where theoretically tonight would be level 5 out of 5. when in fact, day 1 was great, day 2 was absolutely miserable, days 3 and 4 were kinda shitty but my mental state stayed afloat really well the whole night and i was fine, and day 5.... is looking like it might end on a high note unless shit happens i guess.
i don't know how to predict how my brain will act on a given day, and it might just be COMPLETELY RANDOM although that seems unlikely to me. it must be hormones or malnutrition or something logical, right? but what it FEELS like is i wake up in the morning and my brain rolls a d20 to determine my mental/emotional stability for the day. and the past two days it's been pretty high, but today it's like 5 or 6. not DISMALLY bad, [like for example friday was probably a 2 or 3 at best] but pretty unstable and prone to letting little things get to me that i otherwise would be able to turn the other cheek to. like stupid LJ comments, for example.
just gonna do my best and keep a high spirit. breathe, ground, center. keep wearing my heart and my pentacle and claw ring, and tina's coat. and either getting MEGA MONEY for my time [actually getting paid a suitable amount per hour for the work i do for a few hours would be amazing], over 11 bucks an hour, or getting let go early, or a combination of both, after approxiomately 2 am tonight.
