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thebrokenarrowsguess i'll do a day update idk
got oil changed in my car. it needs more than just that, but... maybe it's starting to feel a little better than it was. i hope so. it's even having trouble getting started these days. not good. had myself a little meltdown about it yesterday, which honestly was combined between that and every other little thing that's going on, just generally feeling stagnant and useless and a burden. it's good that it happened, it shook me up and got me to change my behavior a little bit and brought some issues to light. such as: as awful as my job was for me, it was also a handy way of proving my demons wrong every day. the lies that my brain tells itself. work was a way of squashing those lies and as such was a source of confidence for me even while it tore me apart mentally. and i haven't replaced it with anything else. and that has got to change. today was... better mentally? mostly? but i'm still feeling floaty and imbalanced and like i don't have secure footing.
my old manager asked me if i would come back if the problem manager was gone today.... haha. i told her no promises. felt tempted [well really the word i should use is 'obligated' which in itself was a red flag] but... very bad vibes with that idea. the idea of going back to that place and all it entails. feel like it would be bad for me. i did this to do what was good for me. to force myself to believe that what's the best path for me isn't necessarily the path that involves the most money. so i probably won't do this. although i am flattered lol. that they'd take my ass back after i drop them with no notice. amazing. you never know what you can get away with until you do it. somewhere Kris is proud of me lol. rolls eyes.
held a bunch of caterpillars today. squigglers!! we googled and they are called yellow striped oakworms, of the Riotte moth. so big and pretty. they had very light grips so they would fall over easily and roll around in my hand and the belly was stripey and cute.
ehh im tired so i'll probably sleep soon. i miss Bird something fierce. i hope she feels better after being gone. i really do. she hasn't been herself and it sucks. it also sucks her being gone but i mean, it is what it is. i just want her to be ~back in gear~ and feeling good when i come see her. i know she's so stressed out about it ugh i don't want her to be. i mean i am too, it's a trip it's gonna be stressful no matter what. but it'll be good. it will be a good time. i promise. it won't be a disaster. i'm sure some weird stuff will happen at some point, it's like work shifts anything could pop up lol. i could get sick or lose my luggage or god only knows. it doesn't matter. we'll be together. finally.
i'm gonna go to bed and think about that a lot lol. because that's a thing. never ever ever met an internet person in the flesh before, not counting people who live here in this county. someone that i've met from the inside out, so intimately... getting to touch them. i'm gonna be so unable to keep my hands to myself and i mean that in a purely innocent way lol. god.
sleep time. been going to sleep at like midnight lately what the hell. being diurnal is so weird.
got oil changed in my car. it needs more than just that, but... maybe it's starting to feel a little better than it was. i hope so. it's even having trouble getting started these days. not good. had myself a little meltdown about it yesterday, which honestly was combined between that and every other little thing that's going on, just generally feeling stagnant and useless and a burden. it's good that it happened, it shook me up and got me to change my behavior a little bit and brought some issues to light. such as: as awful as my job was for me, it was also a handy way of proving my demons wrong every day. the lies that my brain tells itself. work was a way of squashing those lies and as such was a source of confidence for me even while it tore me apart mentally. and i haven't replaced it with anything else. and that has got to change. today was... better mentally? mostly? but i'm still feeling floaty and imbalanced and like i don't have secure footing.
my old manager asked me if i would come back if the problem manager was gone today.... haha. i told her no promises. felt tempted [well really the word i should use is 'obligated' which in itself was a red flag] but... very bad vibes with that idea. the idea of going back to that place and all it entails. feel like it would be bad for me. i did this to do what was good for me. to force myself to believe that what's the best path for me isn't necessarily the path that involves the most money. so i probably won't do this. although i am flattered lol. that they'd take my ass back after i drop them with no notice. amazing. you never know what you can get away with until you do it. somewhere Kris is proud of me lol. rolls eyes.
held a bunch of caterpillars today. squigglers!! we googled and they are called yellow striped oakworms, of the Riotte moth. so big and pretty. they had very light grips so they would fall over easily and roll around in my hand and the belly was stripey and cute.
ehh im tired so i'll probably sleep soon. i miss Bird something fierce. i hope she feels better after being gone. i really do. she hasn't been herself and it sucks. it also sucks her being gone but i mean, it is what it is. i just want her to be ~back in gear~ and feeling good when i come see her. i know she's so stressed out about it ugh i don't want her to be. i mean i am too, it's a trip it's gonna be stressful no matter what. but it'll be good. it will be a good time. i promise. it won't be a disaster. i'm sure some weird stuff will happen at some point, it's like work shifts anything could pop up lol. i could get sick or lose my luggage or god only knows. it doesn't matter. we'll be together. finally.
i'm gonna go to bed and think about that a lot lol. because that's a thing. never ever ever met an internet person in the flesh before, not counting people who live here in this county. someone that i've met from the inside out, so intimately... getting to touch them. i'm gonna be so unable to keep my hands to myself and i mean that in a purely innocent way lol. god.
sleep time. been going to sleep at like midnight lately what the hell. being diurnal is so weird.
