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infrequent updates woo! here's the last few days which have been kinda important and full of things

currently: my god i want some damn rain. it's been raining a lot but i just want some rn. but instead it's 35 goddamn degrees why.

thursday night had a REALLY GOOD conversation with Yves. like goddamn. even though it got real heavy at some times, i really enjoyed that and it ended on such a good note. and the next morning she was still there and seemed pretty chill and happy and like wow. my heart grows three sizes. i love leaving a good vibe on other people so much. the HoL apparently had this awesome peace going on the whole day friday, which was nice cuz i needed it. becaaause.....

on friday had a really big falling out with my roommates [well more like one of them] and i don't wanna talk about it honestly but it was the biggest and most god awful panic attack i've had in at least five years. it wrecked my shit. and we still haven't really talked it out ugh lol. i'm dreading it. but it feels much better honestly than it did. and I KNOW that i was super hormonal and that's why it was SO Bad and i feel awful at the various House of Leaves members who had to witness me freaking out so fucking bad lol. i could not be talked sense into that day and i hate it but it's over now so whateva. it all just happened to catch me on the one worst possible day of the entire month for it tbh.
once i could move and stand up again from that mind-destroyingly profound panic attack [in which Murphy approached me and tried to comfort me because i think he thought i was dying lol], i drove to the park. heard the last few cicadas left singing sleepily in the trees. watched grey squirrels fighting. felt so fucking bone tired and exhausted. walked around aimlessly for a while. found a pond and sat and talked and then Owen sat by me [first time that whole day anyone from the system could get up with me, and i think the only time just about] and we talked about it. felt better, then worse again lol. then had to drive back but was shit scared of going home so just sat in subway and charged my phone and migrained a lot. lol. until i went home.

yesterday was interesting. rode up to the smelly cat to do job apps and then stuck around to do this ~GHOSTS AND LEGENDS~ tour of the noda area that was happening apparently. and LOL for a while i thought it was meeting at an area that it totally wasn't soooo i sat for half an hour increasingly annoyed in front of the cajun restaurant. which was listed as the meet up place... for last year. OOPS silly me finally i figured it out and moved a block over to where they were set up. derp. and went out around the area and learned about all the hauntings and stories and shit and it ended up being me, Owen and for a while Thirteen too. who is a rare fronter so that was a treat. we walked around and i rolled my eyes at all the silly unsubstantiated ghost stories but i was outnumbered LOL. two believers and an eye roller. owen listened rapt the entire time. also some Spooky Ghede Shit did occur later on in the tour tho lolol. that much i will say. i will ALSO SAY that while most of the tour was just silly shit, at the end they used some Totally Bogus Horse Shit about hoodoo that kinda pissed me off lol. some bullcrap about curses and some wise woman from the mountains who conveniently explained that a decapitated snake tied in a knot meant that someone wished you harm or whatever BUT GUESS WHAT, HOODOO AIN'T FROM THE MOUNTAINS ITS FROM THE COAST AND DOESNT INVOLVE SHIT LIKE THAT AT ALL, STOP THAT BULLSHIT. but whatever i had a good time really. it was nice. i'm still not a ~ghost hunter type and will probably always just roll my eyes at it lol. and i FEEL KINDA BAD but it is what it is. and others in here enjoy it.

today was the most unremarkable day i've had all weekend haha. still feeling very leery of the kitchen. spending money that i shouldn't on food but it's ok i think. tonight bb came home and we got out there and got food together and chatted with roommates and had drinks and it felt a little bit normal again. there are still talks to be had but i think things are calming down from the explosion that was friday thank god.
oh something interesting did happen today tho! listening to I Stand Corrected by Vampire Weekend while walking home triggered up none other than Michael. who is a dude that has been super hard to coax up front and so i know very little about him haha. but he just kinda stood there processing in a daze and listening to this music. of fucking course it's vampire weekend he's such a huge hipster lol. that much i do know. i'll talk about other stuff about him later but he was just. stick boy wearing plaid and lion therian feels and fears of his werewolf side and talks of his college life and bike rides. and made me realize how huge and ridiculous headspace really is. [also note! i think Thirteen may live in Winterhaven area nowadays. where Hiccup is. idk though for sure]

tomorrow i have plans~! with friends!! holy shit i find that stressful usually [and this time too honestly lol] but i wanna go see her. cuz she has Life Problems that i feel bad for not being able to drive over there for lol. so the plan is to go play video games and yell and scream about how shitty boys are. i'm ok with this. i'm gonna shove some of my fav games in a bag and go over there. gonna do a BUS TRANSFER for the first time i guess?? i'll see how that goes lol. and ride a different bus route other than the 23 for the first time. i love riding buses holy shit. it's great honestly. i don't know why bb doesn't like it.

ANYWAY i'm a little tense tonight but it's gon be fine. and now you know how my weekend went.