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THE MENTAL FUNK CONTINUES...
idk just feelin anxiety/stress on the fringes. it's ok. just got stuff going on and i'm not handling it properly :| i feel like making a list of all the stuff i need to do but it'll just frustrate me and stress me out, which is the thing i Do Not Need Rn lol. so. [also i bet u this peripheral anxiety is what's keeping me from a good tie into headspace lately!!]
mostly i'm just worried about my car and very VERY carefully avoiding my natural instinct, which is to beat myself up about not taking care of its problems sooner. anxiety is a fucking bitch man. i'm just scared that through negligence i've ruined my car that i really really like, the one i've had the longest and liked the most out of all the cars i've gone through [which lemme tell u is too many for someone who's only been driving since 2009 and never been in an accident]. i've had this one almost THREE YEARS HOLY SHIT. how can summer of 2012 have been so long ago.
i swear. summer of 2011-summer of 2012 was like a lost year for me, in so many ways. just nothing. stagnation and fear and stress, a hole of mental issues. a really horrible job. i think me getting fired from there was the best possible thing to happen at the time. then i moved into a new room which i cleaned and painted all on my own, and those two things plus finding my current job two years ago [as of like yesterday!!] really rebooted me mentally. even so, 2013 was also kind of an empty year mentally. nothing Really Important happened EXCEPT over the summer was when headspace started coming back to me. after the Lost Year sorta shoved it down to a place where i couldn't access it. still struggling with the doubts and stuff amassed from then and from a while before then tbh that are keeping me from fully realizing it and my place in it. but then 2014 happened and doors started opening and the winter of 2014-15 was amazing. and the SPRING... don't even talk to me rofl. inside i'm just grinning all the time lately. YEAH EVEN NOW WHEN I'M KINDA ANXIETYING ABOUT SHIT. i have so much to be happy for. gotta hold onto that. gotta remember.
today thinking about anchoring and what it means. steven universe has the right idea holy shit. yet again an outside show reflects insides for me. [probably no surprise, rebecca sugar is my age and cut her teeth on the same stuff on which i cut mine, late 90s anime and Ghibli and Disney and etc] anchoring is the act of realizing your true self wholly and completely. that's not to say you're done growing or you understand yourself entirely because that's not possible for a human haha. it just means you KNOW who you are at your core [!!] and what it means to be you and what you stand for, in a way.
example: for me, when i'm being as truly purely myself as possible are times like when i'm trying to help someone talk through their problems, trying to lift them up and make them feel good about themselves, trying to make them see the truth about how great they really are. helping them see themselves kindly through my eyes. there's just something about that. there is something that rings pure like a perfectly toned note when you do stuff that's Truly You. stuff you 'were made to do' so to speak. that's an anchor. something you dig deep into when you feel like you're losing yourself. that is yourself. or one of your deep truths.
the opposite of anchoring is slipping, when you lose track of what you're about, what you are "for". not everyone is "for" anything lol but everyone has something they're good at, something that for them is like a piece slotting into a machine and functioning perfectly like clockwork. that is an anchor. slipping can happen for loads of reasons, whether it be that your anchor or "purpose" might be changing, or just depression or sickness, that kinda thing.
YEH SO
today i went to jack in the box because it's my old flame and i missed it. and like any junkie sometimes u go back to ur old bad habit and discover that IT ISN'T ACTUALLY AS GOOD AS U REMEMBER LOL. between traffic and making a couple wrong turns it ended up being a fucking 45 minute drive for some stupid fast food. and it was the same as it always was and that wasn't even worth it lol. not worth ANOTHER $10 meal out. another chunk out of my preciously small paycheck that could have been spent on important things or at least lasting ones. not a stupid unhealthy meal. gotta keep from being mean to myself about this stuff, it's the only way to really stop, hurting myself as some kind of "penance" does not work at all, i just wake up the next day and do it again. i have to be kind to myself. that's my truth. see myself in the same pure light in which i see those i love.
and thennnn i went to pet supermarket and got cat food and litter BUT no mealworms. so i guess i'm still stuck going to petsmart for that at least. :| lame. but Bird was right holy shit even pet supermarket is way cheaper in most things. also THEY HAD FERRETS EEE i missed that weird stinky ferret smell. we had a couple growing up and man they were the fucking cutest and best and i want one some day again, but i bet they hunt birds so bad idk ;_;
and so SOMEHOW, this fuckin trip took three hours when it shoulda taken like 1 hour tops. lame. not worth it but at least we have cat supplies i guess. and i shouldn't be jonesing for more jack in the box anytime soon. looks at the massive pile of jitb receipts still left in my car from before i moved lol......
anxiety is making me dread work holy shit, but mostly also the drive. bc my car is super not happy right now buuuut what can ya do -_- work itself should be fine. i'm mostly past the days of being afraid the entire day for the inevitable work shift to follow. thank god.
now i'm gonna go eat our leftover pizza and stuff. maybe watch some more gay space rocks. holy shit can i ever re-watch some gay space rocks episodes lemme tell ya. I CAME VERY CLOSE TO DRAWING A GEM OC TODAY LOL I JUST COULDN'T FIGURE OUT THE STYLE i'm doomed [but i have some good ideas]
idk just feelin anxiety/stress on the fringes. it's ok. just got stuff going on and i'm not handling it properly :| i feel like making a list of all the stuff i need to do but it'll just frustrate me and stress me out, which is the thing i Do Not Need Rn lol. so. [also i bet u this peripheral anxiety is what's keeping me from a good tie into headspace lately!!]
mostly i'm just worried about my car and very VERY carefully avoiding my natural instinct, which is to beat myself up about not taking care of its problems sooner. anxiety is a fucking bitch man. i'm just scared that through negligence i've ruined my car that i really really like, the one i've had the longest and liked the most out of all the cars i've gone through [which lemme tell u is too many for someone who's only been driving since 2009 and never been in an accident]. i've had this one almost THREE YEARS HOLY SHIT. how can summer of 2012 have been so long ago.
i swear. summer of 2011-summer of 2012 was like a lost year for me, in so many ways. just nothing. stagnation and fear and stress, a hole of mental issues. a really horrible job. i think me getting fired from there was the best possible thing to happen at the time. then i moved into a new room which i cleaned and painted all on my own, and those two things plus finding my current job two years ago [as of like yesterday!!] really rebooted me mentally. even so, 2013 was also kind of an empty year mentally. nothing Really Important happened EXCEPT over the summer was when headspace started coming back to me. after the Lost Year sorta shoved it down to a place where i couldn't access it. still struggling with the doubts and stuff amassed from then and from a while before then tbh that are keeping me from fully realizing it and my place in it. but then 2014 happened and doors started opening and the winter of 2014-15 was amazing. and the SPRING... don't even talk to me rofl. inside i'm just grinning all the time lately. YEAH EVEN NOW WHEN I'M KINDA ANXIETYING ABOUT SHIT. i have so much to be happy for. gotta hold onto that. gotta remember.
today thinking about anchoring and what it means. steven universe has the right idea holy shit. yet again an outside show reflects insides for me. [probably no surprise, rebecca sugar is my age and cut her teeth on the same stuff on which i cut mine, late 90s anime and Ghibli and Disney and etc] anchoring is the act of realizing your true self wholly and completely. that's not to say you're done growing or you understand yourself entirely because that's not possible for a human haha. it just means you KNOW who you are at your core [!!] and what it means to be you and what you stand for, in a way.
example: for me, when i'm being as truly purely myself as possible are times like when i'm trying to help someone talk through their problems, trying to lift them up and make them feel good about themselves, trying to make them see the truth about how great they really are. helping them see themselves kindly through my eyes. there's just something about that. there is something that rings pure like a perfectly toned note when you do stuff that's Truly You. stuff you 'were made to do' so to speak. that's an anchor. something you dig deep into when you feel like you're losing yourself. that is yourself. or one of your deep truths.
the opposite of anchoring is slipping, when you lose track of what you're about, what you are "for". not everyone is "for" anything lol but everyone has something they're good at, something that for them is like a piece slotting into a machine and functioning perfectly like clockwork. that is an anchor. slipping can happen for loads of reasons, whether it be that your anchor or "purpose" might be changing, or just depression or sickness, that kinda thing.
YEH SO
today i went to jack in the box because it's my old flame and i missed it. and like any junkie sometimes u go back to ur old bad habit and discover that IT ISN'T ACTUALLY AS GOOD AS U REMEMBER LOL. between traffic and making a couple wrong turns it ended up being a fucking 45 minute drive for some stupid fast food. and it was the same as it always was and that wasn't even worth it lol. not worth ANOTHER $10 meal out. another chunk out of my preciously small paycheck that could have been spent on important things or at least lasting ones. not a stupid unhealthy meal. gotta keep from being mean to myself about this stuff, it's the only way to really stop, hurting myself as some kind of "penance" does not work at all, i just wake up the next day and do it again. i have to be kind to myself. that's my truth. see myself in the same pure light in which i see those i love.
and thennnn i went to pet supermarket and got cat food and litter BUT no mealworms. so i guess i'm still stuck going to petsmart for that at least. :| lame. but Bird was right holy shit even pet supermarket is way cheaper in most things. also THEY HAD FERRETS EEE i missed that weird stinky ferret smell. we had a couple growing up and man they were the fucking cutest and best and i want one some day again, but i bet they hunt birds so bad idk ;_;
and so SOMEHOW, this fuckin trip took three hours when it shoulda taken like 1 hour tops. lame. not worth it but at least we have cat supplies i guess. and i shouldn't be jonesing for more jack in the box anytime soon. looks at the massive pile of jitb receipts still left in my car from before i moved lol......
anxiety is making me dread work holy shit, but mostly also the drive. bc my car is super not happy right now buuuut what can ya do -_- work itself should be fine. i'm mostly past the days of being afraid the entire day for the inevitable work shift to follow. thank god.
now i'm gonna go eat our leftover pizza and stuff. maybe watch some more gay space rocks. holy shit can i ever re-watch some gay space rocks episodes lemme tell ya. I CAME VERY CLOSE TO DRAWING A GEM OC TODAY LOL I JUST COULDN'T FIGURE OUT THE STYLE i'm doomed [but i have some good ideas]
