100115 - back to life on earth
Oct. 1st, 2015 11:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thebrokenarrowsi haven't updated since the day i got home because lol, i half don't want to accept that i have to go back to life here. not that it was terrible, just... i was so happy in Utah. god. so happy and free of anxiety or depression. and now i get back home and have to accept that i gotta deal with the daily dramas of my home life again. boo hiss.
don't really even wanna chronicle this cause it's a stupid fleeting thing that i won't wanna remember later, but just know that i cleaned out the microwave and washed the stove and swept and mopped the floor in the kitchen. basically did everything except washing the dishes, which bb did. and yesterday i did laundry. and every day since Monday i have been fixing up my bedroom to have better vibes. [i literally spent the whole day Monday by impulsively running to walmart on Utah fumes still, grabbing up loads of storage items, running home and organizing the SHIT out of my entire closet so that now it's actually a closet and not a stack of boxes with a mirror on top] and all that feels really good.
we'll talk about it more when bb comes back home but the way roommate wants to handle the chores is very triggering for me right now for a lot of reasons. and i wish i didn't feel so ashamed of my triggers and baggage when it comes to home life. when i could talk about it with Bird it was totally fine, no shame, because she understands personally. but with NT people or with people who don't understand their own brainweirds at all it gets... you feel broken when you talk about it to them. like something's wrong with you. nothing's wrong with me, i know that. but lol.
but anyway the setup that roommate has done just ain't gonna work, and i am continually reminding myself that i'm on equal footing with this guy. even though i feel like i'm being treated like a kid, i'm not one and we are on the same level here. that's a really hard thing for me to believe or internalize. but it's true and that cleaning this morning helped me feel that. i pulled more than just my own weight today. and this isn't the end of the world, this isn't me being Bad And In Trouble. at all. just lies my brain is telling. and i gotta accept that.
i want to run around outside but lol it's cold and gonna rain. lame.
other things:
- today makes one week since i had real live sex with a girl that i truly love. only my second time with a girl at all, but the first time was very mediocre and not with someone that i loved or felt very attracted to. this one was fucking amazing. even if very hard and requiring a lot of aftercare. beyond worth it. my bruises are almost gone and i'm sad but i'm a changed man after last week.
- whenever i find some thumbtacks i'm gonna hang up this tapestry that i've had forever, with the elephants on it. it makes my room feel a little more like Bird's room which was super nice. i wish i had spent rather more time in there ;p.
- i've been working out a little bit since i got back and felt how much harder my muscles were and not wanting to get rid of that.
- i still miss that totally happy mindset from Monday when i was still fresh, but it's not totally gone either. i can still feel it there. which is a bright shining sign of good things. i can be happy like that here too. it's not a Utah exclusive lol
- i love that fucking girl so much oh my g o d. like i knew that already but now it's just like. holy shit. i'm super in love. being able to hold her and breathe in the smell of her hair was the best feeling in the fucking world and i'm so grateful for everything.
- i'm so happy to be poly right now it's actually killin me lol. god damn. and talking about this is perking me up a lot actually, so i'm gonna get music going and keep those vibes moving now. yes.
don't really even wanna chronicle this cause it's a stupid fleeting thing that i won't wanna remember later, but just know that i cleaned out the microwave and washed the stove and swept and mopped the floor in the kitchen. basically did everything except washing the dishes, which bb did. and yesterday i did laundry. and every day since Monday i have been fixing up my bedroom to have better vibes. [i literally spent the whole day Monday by impulsively running to walmart on Utah fumes still, grabbing up loads of storage items, running home and organizing the SHIT out of my entire closet so that now it's actually a closet and not a stack of boxes with a mirror on top] and all that feels really good.
we'll talk about it more when bb comes back home but the way roommate wants to handle the chores is very triggering for me right now for a lot of reasons. and i wish i didn't feel so ashamed of my triggers and baggage when it comes to home life. when i could talk about it with Bird it was totally fine, no shame, because she understands personally. but with NT people or with people who don't understand their own brainweirds at all it gets... you feel broken when you talk about it to them. like something's wrong with you. nothing's wrong with me, i know that. but lol.
but anyway the setup that roommate has done just ain't gonna work, and i am continually reminding myself that i'm on equal footing with this guy. even though i feel like i'm being treated like a kid, i'm not one and we are on the same level here. that's a really hard thing for me to believe or internalize. but it's true and that cleaning this morning helped me feel that. i pulled more than just my own weight today. and this isn't the end of the world, this isn't me being Bad And In Trouble. at all. just lies my brain is telling. and i gotta accept that.
i want to run around outside but lol it's cold and gonna rain. lame.
other things:
- today makes one week since i had real live sex with a girl that i truly love. only my second time with a girl at all, but the first time was very mediocre and not with someone that i loved or felt very attracted to. this one was fucking amazing. even if very hard and requiring a lot of aftercare. beyond worth it. my bruises are almost gone and i'm sad but i'm a changed man after last week.
- whenever i find some thumbtacks i'm gonna hang up this tapestry that i've had forever, with the elephants on it. it makes my room feel a little more like Bird's room which was super nice. i wish i had spent rather more time in there ;p.
- i've been working out a little bit since i got back and felt how much harder my muscles were and not wanting to get rid of that.
- i still miss that totally happy mindset from Monday when i was still fresh, but it's not totally gone either. i can still feel it there. which is a bright shining sign of good things. i can be happy like that here too. it's not a Utah exclusive lol
- i love that fucking girl so much oh my g o d. like i knew that already but now it's just like. holy shit. i'm super in love. being able to hold her and breathe in the smell of her hair was the best feeling in the fucking world and i'm so grateful for everything.
- i'm so happy to be poly right now it's actually killin me lol. god damn. and talking about this is perking me up a lot actually, so i'm gonna get music going and keep those vibes moving now. yes.
