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i started another entry last night about being inspired, but then guess what? i did one paragraph and then wandered off to draw and stuff. here is that paragraph:
inspiration: breathing blue-white smoke. holy, sacred. wild eye: pure silvery fluid like mercury swimming in my sockets. could also be influence of deities? does that mean that taming an animal reduces its connection to Spirit? i hope that's not true. maybe it just doesn't show as much. the pupils can still be silver, remember?
anyway. today.
crashed at 7 [felt like 8 because time change, the sun was fully up] after a looong night, got up at 12:30-1ish, hung out with bb for a while. we went to cici's and then he went to work. since then i've been looking at DCI stuff. i drew a couple references for corps uniforms [Spirit of Atlanta and Phantom Regiment, today] so i can use them later. i'm going to make sure and eat before work tonight, last night i neglected to and so i ran around hungry as heck for like an hour before i could get a break.
tonight should be ok, it's monday... i expect few problems. just wanna plow through seven hours and then i'm done for the week, i have a day off tomorrow. my first actual day off this week, since Friday was a sacred day and not just a day off.
ehhhhh don't really wanna hit work tonight tbh, after working friday saturday and sunday and being off monday and tuesday all week, it feels like my day off and i feel like i got cheated out of my other day off on thursday [bc i did... whatever i did it for tina]. BLEH. but on the plus side, hopefully they will have their shit together and the schedule will be ready for me tonight so i don't need to call.
BLEH yeah that's p much all that's on my mind. i need to eat, i need to pee, i don't wanna go to work, and headspace, particularly the Toy Soldier [and thus marching band/drum corps in general].
some more stuff about Toy Soldier: i realized with a start last night that... it seems so sacred and true and secret, i don't even want to speak it or type it for fear it will warp somehow by being told. but i think... he's my muse. the Toy Soldier. i think he might be, in whole or in part, the reincarnation of what was once Mezzoforte. my muse, the masked dragon beastie who first appeared to me a decade ago in 2004, and whom i haven't seen for probably four years or so. it made TOTAL sense when it occurred to me while talking to dale. mf was associated with music, too, and tied with marching band, as he appeared to me when i was first falling in love with the art form that changed my entire life.
other stuff that occurred to me during the extremely slow night last night, during strange half-verbal conversations with the Toy Soldier in the hole in the back of the store, making oatmeal... realizing that holding my hand to my chest a certain way deflected the angle of my breasts and helped give the illusion of flat-chestedness especially when wearing a lot of layers... and the whole "tick-tock" tangent that really touched me. his presence helps my artistic blood flow, feels like a rain to the years of drought that have been happening. i offhand referred to my heart as "my tick-tock" - we were talking about the possibility of leaving my moleskine open, the tiny one full of blank musical staves that we use as a pocket sketchbook since our music writing skills are even more blocked than others, and i said to the hypothetical reader, "just be aware, that's my tick-tock you're looking at... it gets a bit dark sometimes" and this warm, ghostly smile crossed the Toy Soldier's face as he caught my eye... god. he's so stoic and almost hollow all the time, when he smiles, it really touches the heart.
the clockwork reference combined with the time reference... heart magic. the heart as a clock, the heart as a timekeeping measure... or the heart counting seconds until there can be no more heartbeats. all those thoughts crossed my mind in the blink of an eye.
and at some point last night, or possibly this morning as i was falling asleep, there was imagery of pressing my head to his chest and hearing the metronome, the clock whirring and clicking that is the sound issuing from inside him, which i've heard before. i don't think there's any neato sci-fi explanation for what's going on in his chest... he's a spirit, a ghost, made of thought and willpower... his insides aren't exactly logical.
i don't know what's happened over this past fall [correction: this past marching season, what other time would he make himself so well known to me?] to bring the Toy Soldier into such a central position in my inner life, but it seems that's what i need right now. to get on with outer life, and much more importantly... to work on my charge. to get it out, get it down on paper or screen.
i feel him close beside me, or even under my skin, so often lately. it's really nice. i'm sure this time will pass and later he won't be so central anymore, but don't you dare feel silly or cringe reading this, future self. don't listen to that programming. it's not "an obsession", it's not something weird and incorrect that we need to look back on with embarassment. none of that. it's a moment in time and it's important to me now, and it should be important to you later, reading over this, knowing how it helped you grow into who you are now.
... and i just realized his rune washed completely off my hand in the shower. that was an unpleasant shock, and i'm surprised that it shocked me at all. i guess that means i should bring along something to put it back on with if need be. eugh half an hour left. guess i better make the most of it.
inspiration: breathing blue-white smoke. holy, sacred. wild eye: pure silvery fluid like mercury swimming in my sockets. could also be influence of deities? does that mean that taming an animal reduces its connection to Spirit? i hope that's not true. maybe it just doesn't show as much. the pupils can still be silver, remember?
anyway. today.
crashed at 7 [felt like 8 because time change, the sun was fully up] after a looong night, got up at 12:30-1ish, hung out with bb for a while. we went to cici's and then he went to work. since then i've been looking at DCI stuff. i drew a couple references for corps uniforms [Spirit of Atlanta and Phantom Regiment, today] so i can use them later. i'm going to make sure and eat before work tonight, last night i neglected to and so i ran around hungry as heck for like an hour before i could get a break.
tonight should be ok, it's monday... i expect few problems. just wanna plow through seven hours and then i'm done for the week, i have a day off tomorrow. my first actual day off this week, since Friday was a sacred day and not just a day off.
ehhhhh don't really wanna hit work tonight tbh, after working friday saturday and sunday and being off monday and tuesday all week, it feels like my day off and i feel like i got cheated out of my other day off on thursday [bc i did... whatever i did it for tina]. BLEH. but on the plus side, hopefully they will have their shit together and the schedule will be ready for me tonight so i don't need to call.
BLEH yeah that's p much all that's on my mind. i need to eat, i need to pee, i don't wanna go to work, and headspace, particularly the Toy Soldier [and thus marching band/drum corps in general].
some more stuff about Toy Soldier: i realized with a start last night that... it seems so sacred and true and secret, i don't even want to speak it or type it for fear it will warp somehow by being told. but i think... he's my muse. the Toy Soldier. i think he might be, in whole or in part, the reincarnation of what was once Mezzoforte. my muse, the masked dragon beastie who first appeared to me a decade ago in 2004, and whom i haven't seen for probably four years or so. it made TOTAL sense when it occurred to me while talking to dale. mf was associated with music, too, and tied with marching band, as he appeared to me when i was first falling in love with the art form that changed my entire life.
other stuff that occurred to me during the extremely slow night last night, during strange half-verbal conversations with the Toy Soldier in the hole in the back of the store, making oatmeal... realizing that holding my hand to my chest a certain way deflected the angle of my breasts and helped give the illusion of flat-chestedness especially when wearing a lot of layers... and the whole "tick-tock" tangent that really touched me. his presence helps my artistic blood flow, feels like a rain to the years of drought that have been happening. i offhand referred to my heart as "my tick-tock" - we were talking about the possibility of leaving my moleskine open, the tiny one full of blank musical staves that we use as a pocket sketchbook since our music writing skills are even more blocked than others, and i said to the hypothetical reader, "just be aware, that's my tick-tock you're looking at... it gets a bit dark sometimes" and this warm, ghostly smile crossed the Toy Soldier's face as he caught my eye... god. he's so stoic and almost hollow all the time, when he smiles, it really touches the heart.
the clockwork reference combined with the time reference... heart magic. the heart as a clock, the heart as a timekeeping measure... or the heart counting seconds until there can be no more heartbeats. all those thoughts crossed my mind in the blink of an eye.
and at some point last night, or possibly this morning as i was falling asleep, there was imagery of pressing my head to his chest and hearing the metronome, the clock whirring and clicking that is the sound issuing from inside him, which i've heard before. i don't think there's any neato sci-fi explanation for what's going on in his chest... he's a spirit, a ghost, made of thought and willpower... his insides aren't exactly logical.
i don't know what's happened over this past fall [correction: this past marching season, what other time would he make himself so well known to me?] to bring the Toy Soldier into such a central position in my inner life, but it seems that's what i need right now. to get on with outer life, and much more importantly... to work on my charge. to get it out, get it down on paper or screen.
i feel him close beside me, or even under my skin, so often lately. it's really nice. i'm sure this time will pass and later he won't be so central anymore, but don't you dare feel silly or cringe reading this, future self. don't listen to that programming. it's not "an obsession", it's not something weird and incorrect that we need to look back on with embarassment. none of that. it's a moment in time and it's important to me now, and it should be important to you later, reading over this, knowing how it helped you grow into who you are now.
... and i just realized his rune washed completely off my hand in the shower. that was an unpleasant shock, and i'm surprised that it shocked me at all. i guess that means i should bring along something to put it back on with if need be. eugh half an hour left. guess i better make the most of it.
