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haven't done much of a damn thing with my day tbh. think i might plug up my ipod and try to work on itunes, or i also might not bc itunes is annoying as hell.
it's weird cuz even though i was pretty productive, i did stuff and acquired some new music and made some art and plans and stuff... feel really stagnant and frustrated with today. maybe part of it is that i haven't left the house??? but uhhh. i'm so broke lol and also it's so fucking hot in this apartment i think the AC must be out or something but i'm dying. but i don't have money to go anywhere. so. frustration results :v maybe i shouldve gone somewhere on the bus idk. it's too late now. i just feel really... i feel the way that i constantly freak out about the possibility of feeling?? unproductive and unsatisfied?? but i rarely actually feel this way.it kinda sucks. and now i'm down to an hour and a half before work andddd nothing to do, nowhere to go except sit here and sweat and be bored and lonely. i fucking hate when bb's work schedules him the like 11 am to 9 pm shift. that sits squarely over my awake free time before work so as soon as i have to leave, he gets off work. so we don't see each other or talk at all that day. and when bird is also gone i'm like wow. super alone. and yet don't reach out to any of my friends or go anywhere or do anything but sweat it up in my bed. cool i guess.
also important to note that this might be hormonal in nature so :v there's that
work was ok until breakfast but then SUCKED FUCKIN HARD. and so of course that's my continuing impression of last night which makes me super anxious about tonight. thx for nothing coffee, i drank too much of it trying to stay perky and crashed so damn hard so then not only was i super tired but i had the shits lol. :|
first football game of the season is beginning at my old school. sigh. and i'm not there in the stands where i should be. it hurts to know that my last time in the stands was seven fucking years ago. it really is starting to feel so far away. not part of my current life anymore. drum corps and marching band will always be such a huge part of me but. god. my participation in it really was so long ago.
idk yesterday was ok but today i feel like weird and out of it?? even though i ate well and only ate food from home so i didn't spend any money at all?? and i didn't act out, didn't do depressive things, i showered... idk man. it's like i did everything right and still got shitty results and i can't figure out why. i can't bear to be around the house because of this absurd conviction that i have that my roommate hates me or is mad at me all the time for some reason. he ISN'T I KNOW HE ISN'T but somehow i just can't shake the notion that he's silently mad at me and i'm terrified of causing him to open his mouth and start speaking my sins aloud. i don't know.
lol typing this entry is not helping. the time of having to go to work creeps closer and it's making me feel panicky. today went by so fucking fast, possibly cuz i slept until 2? could that be what triggered this weird mental shit?? but i just tried to give myself extra sleep so that i could make up for yesterday's four hours and i did but i'm still so tired??? i don't understand
just put off by having no one to talk to i guess. i used to go days or weeks without speaking to anyone. why do i suddenly care now.
idk i feel weird and i can't access good thoughts, can't access headspace, can't talk to people that i love today so today feels so pointless and is ending in yet another awful friday night shift with crappy manager. maybe i'll just take a nap or something idk feel so weirdly depressed. sorry bird i failed at not being sad while u were away but it's not JUST cuz you're away it's just idk. general depressiveness. not even sad just. bleh. massive blehs
not even gonna sleep. that will make work arrive quicker and that makes me panicky. gonna try to awkwardly talk to ppl on skype and watch netflix. idk. fuck today i guess?
it's weird cuz even though i was pretty productive, i did stuff and acquired some new music and made some art and plans and stuff... feel really stagnant and frustrated with today. maybe part of it is that i haven't left the house??? but uhhh. i'm so broke lol and also it's so fucking hot in this apartment i think the AC must be out or something but i'm dying. but i don't have money to go anywhere. so. frustration results :v maybe i shouldve gone somewhere on the bus idk. it's too late now. i just feel really... i feel the way that i constantly freak out about the possibility of feeling?? unproductive and unsatisfied?? but i rarely actually feel this way.it kinda sucks. and now i'm down to an hour and a half before work andddd nothing to do, nowhere to go except sit here and sweat and be bored and lonely. i fucking hate when bb's work schedules him the like 11 am to 9 pm shift. that sits squarely over my awake free time before work so as soon as i have to leave, he gets off work. so we don't see each other or talk at all that day. and when bird is also gone i'm like wow. super alone. and yet don't reach out to any of my friends or go anywhere or do anything but sweat it up in my bed. cool i guess.
also important to note that this might be hormonal in nature so :v there's that
work was ok until breakfast but then SUCKED FUCKIN HARD. and so of course that's my continuing impression of last night which makes me super anxious about tonight. thx for nothing coffee, i drank too much of it trying to stay perky and crashed so damn hard so then not only was i super tired but i had the shits lol. :|
first football game of the season is beginning at my old school. sigh. and i'm not there in the stands where i should be. it hurts to know that my last time in the stands was seven fucking years ago. it really is starting to feel so far away. not part of my current life anymore. drum corps and marching band will always be such a huge part of me but. god. my participation in it really was so long ago.
idk yesterday was ok but today i feel like weird and out of it?? even though i ate well and only ate food from home so i didn't spend any money at all?? and i didn't act out, didn't do depressive things, i showered... idk man. it's like i did everything right and still got shitty results and i can't figure out why. i can't bear to be around the house because of this absurd conviction that i have that my roommate hates me or is mad at me all the time for some reason. he ISN'T I KNOW HE ISN'T but somehow i just can't shake the notion that he's silently mad at me and i'm terrified of causing him to open his mouth and start speaking my sins aloud. i don't know.
lol typing this entry is not helping. the time of having to go to work creeps closer and it's making me feel panicky. today went by so fucking fast, possibly cuz i slept until 2? could that be what triggered this weird mental shit?? but i just tried to give myself extra sleep so that i could make up for yesterday's four hours and i did but i'm still so tired??? i don't understand
just put off by having no one to talk to i guess. i used to go days or weeks without speaking to anyone. why do i suddenly care now.
idk i feel weird and i can't access good thoughts, can't access headspace, can't talk to people that i love today so today feels so pointless and is ending in yet another awful friday night shift with crappy manager. maybe i'll just take a nap or something idk feel so weirdly depressed. sorry bird i failed at not being sad while u were away but it's not JUST cuz you're away it's just idk. general depressiveness. not even sad just. bleh. massive blehs
not even gonna sleep. that will make work arrive quicker and that makes me panicky. gonna try to awkwardly talk to ppl on skype and watch netflix. idk. fuck today i guess?
