032615

wow i didn't write yesterday, think that's been the first day all month :v

idk. what's on my mind? other than the usual trash?

been listening to a lot of Daniel Johnston. and thinking that i should bust out the big keyboard that's living in my car rn. i should find someplace where i can store it because. i should start playing with it. i never learned the proper fingerings but that same exact situation for computer keyboards never stopped me from typing 80wpm, right? idk. i should definitely do that especially since i'm actually home alone semi-regularly now. WHICH IS REALLY GOOD FOR ME BTW. really important. once i can get the guts to actually do stuff.

 thing that i think i should maybe write a song about is Stormy's death. maybe. i dunno. that'd be a fucking sad sack fucking song. but. that's a pile of sludge that's been lurking around in my insides for two years and i've never quite hacked it all the way out. and i mean honestly it's the death of a loved one, essentially the death of a child, it NEVER WILL be completely gone and that's fine. but. idk. i think that might be a subject. among MANY OTHER ONES I PROMISE NOT JUST SAD ONES

and i can tell you too that this is a HUGE sign that i'm growing. changing. i'm afraid to say the b-word, but... maybe even that. slowly. which is so wonderful. what i can also tell you is that things that used to jar the shit out of me or be legitimate triggers that would stop me cold and make me have to sorta reboot my brain - loud noises like a big rig hissing right in my ear while driving, for example, or the sound of a door knocking - just make me flinch now. they still bother me but they don't turn me into a curled up ball of terror anymore. i feel like bones that were exposed to the world are covered in new, healthy tissue now and thus when things bounce off them, it doesn't hurt so bad.

yesterday i talked to Bird in the morning on skype and THEN AT NIGHT I TALKED TO POE ON SKYPE LIKE ALL NIGHT. SO WOWOWOW DOUBLE SKYPES IN ONE DAY AND THEN!!! THIS AFTERNOON i got home from our outing and THEY WERE ON AGAIN SO LIKE 3 SKYPES IN 24 HOURS. so great. hell yeah. maybe the universe is kissing our ass to make up for the 3 days right after they got back from their trip. [i literally cannot believe it's been a week since they left jesus christ. the weekend felt like it alone took a week. that week or 2 that i'll spend up there in Utah is gonna last 5 seconds I swear to god]

idk. i seem to be back in this tuned into outside space phase again, where it's hard for me to let go of the front and pay attention to what's inside. but like. the other night hiccup had me just not even use my eyes inside, not try to focus on seeing visually, and just use all of my other senses. hearing and feeling. and i can do that!! i can do that even right now while i'm looking at things outside!! i can hear and feel and use inside senses that have no analog on the outside, and i at least keep track with that when my inside eyes won't focus properly. but if i AM in this phase again at least it's for a good reason because life outside is kinda amazing right now aslkjalkdjfasd

the trees outside my window are budding and IT'S AMAZING SPRING IS HERE IM SO GLAD ;w; winter is DONE AND OVER.

so our outing, when we woke up bb and i went to Red Lobster. and he didn't believe me that a $25 gift card wouldn't cover much :V but we were cheapo and actually managed to only go over 50 cents!! the amount of food we got was truly disappointing for 25 bucks, but i mean for the 50 cents that we actually paid, it was a lot LOL. so then after that bb convinced me to go to the cracker barrel and get some candy. which i mean we probably shouldn't have but. ya know. it was nice. :B and also i have strong associations with Cracker Barrel being THE PLACE WE GO ON ROAD TRIPS [would go like every year to see my maw maw in WV, and ALWAYS stopped at cracker barrel. and i would ALWAYS get myself a beanie baby while there lmfao. so we didn't eat there but the inside of the place was the exact fucking same even tho i've never been to this particular one. [they even still had a beanie baby corner. and it was the same corner. omg wtf. even though beanie babies suck ass now and look like crap] it was pretty awesome and we got some neat candies. YE. so that was a fun time.

WHAT ELSE idk. feeling kinda hyper right now but also like i don't want to do anything?? lol?? idk maybe i'll clean up because the room looked SUPER NICE and now it's a bit cluttered again. idk. only got like 2 hours until work and it's a long work night ahead but should be fine. thursdays are pretty easy and it's the most legit manager tonight so.


IDK LIFE IS GOOD TALKIN 2 MA BIRD AND LIKE. FEELIN LIKE IT'S OK TO BE SAPPY AND ROMANTIC AND BOLDLY STATE MY FEELINGS LIKE WOW AMAZE. I don't have to be ashamed and secretive and hide my feelings about everything????? Like they're not repulsive or disturbing????? Like what the hell lol. AMAZING FINDINGS

Only thing is Hiccup misses being up front so I'm gonna do my best to let go and let him have it completely tonight. Mostly anyway. I'm a little concerned about some hints I've been picking up about tomorrow so I'm gonna also have A Presence for the night. But work is allll his because he's the one who actually ENJOYS it. And he misses having a body and stuff so also that. God imagine if he ever physically got sexy with anyone lmfao i'm just sayin JUST SAYIN DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT

also

on my days off it seems like i enjoy sitting out on the porch and thinking at night. which is cool esp since it's almost warm enough to really do that comfortably now. even though my neighbors like to get out there drunkenly arguing and shit but it's usually whatever. but

last night i was out there and for some reason i toted Ghost Soldier out there with me and was alternating between reading random pages of it [we had so many pages dog-eared for importance man i swear] and fiddling with my phone and at one point something was said or something i read made me laugh and automatically turned to my side to catch an eye and

he was there. for a flash. then evaporated and was gone. for a second the black eyes met mine, the sepia toned uniform and tattered bedroll and musket butt being constantly thudded against the ground. then gone like dust, like ashes settling.

and i just. stopped. and stared into the empty space where i swear he was for half a second, sharing a laugh with me like old times.

dunno what my brain is doing. maybe just wishful thinking, maybe something in 'space. i dunno. it was nice in a way but also like poking an old bruise. idk.