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some things about others
Mar. 25th, 2015 01:26 amthoughts from last night
- Trolley's voice is more felt than heard and feels like vines wrapping around my bones. last night i don't remember why but we had a conversation and she stuck some sprigs of greenery into my right arm, which curled around and then connected with my bloodstream. the insides of the vine turned reddish. early on the vine had sharp thorns but later when we felt more relaxed, it was just a little bumpy, the suggestion of thorns.
- i realized how irish Murphy's name is and was amused and felt like a little joke from her bc i never thought about it really
- just remembering Rich's face. his huge black eyes. how he looked tired, always, eternally. seemed tired but happy all the time.
- got kind of an inkling that, although Rich is gone and he'll never come back, he's demanifested... i already knew for a long time that part of him resides within the Toy Soldier. so i may have spent some time last night staring into his face, trying to see what was left of him. at one point i actually reached up and held his face in my hands. then realized... i can TOUCH him! ??? at least some of the time. i guess i'd always assumed he was incorporeal. a ghost, you know. Rich was always a ghost, too, but a more legitimate one since he was human and once alive. but i don't remember if i could ever... touch him. he was always so cold. but the Toy Soldier didn't feel warm or cold, he was just... there. and he stared steadily into my eyes, but they weren't black like coal, just... that silvery grey, colorless way that they always are. empty, but also not. like a pale fire, intense but with no heat. to me they are the eyes of a friend. i'm very fond of this ghost.
- also i think although i've never noticed it, he's supposed to have long hair. tied up underneath the hat. i doubt one would ever see him without the hat on but that's an interesting touch. i suppose for a lot of the time, we had the long hair as well under our shako.
- he was around this morning, up until I busted my hands. not really "fronting" as such, but very close by. with a hand on me, perhaps. felt his eyes in place of mine, staring, losing focus and yet sharp. movements mechanical and precise, but more like a dancer than a robot. would tilt my head and felt the anchor in the bottom of the plume sway and tickle my hair inside the hat.
- i think he has a 'shard' of humanity. that shard is probably a tiny piece of Richeson, a demanifested bit of his essence buried deep and dormant. but needed. an essential part of what makes up the Toy Soldier's being. and now he's taking a gloved hand and pressing it against the chest of his uniform jacket and looking at me and blinking. like he knows and agrees about the buried sliver of what was once a friend of mine hidden inside him, keeping him anchored. and... so glad you're around. it's a welcome chill up my spine when you show up. love you.
- he isn't... QUITE... a person. he doesn't really have desires or opinions or anything. he's not human and doesn't pretend to be. if i didn't exist he wouldn't either, so i guess he's kind of a part of me? in a way. but i think of him as a person because he has a distinct vibe and essence, and when you ask him questions he answers, even though he does not speak. he isn't a robot or program or sending, but he's also not a human. he's not a regular headperson but he's also not quite a deity. the Toy Soldier is very much inbetween by nature.
- Trolley's voice is more felt than heard and feels like vines wrapping around my bones. last night i don't remember why but we had a conversation and she stuck some sprigs of greenery into my right arm, which curled around and then connected with my bloodstream. the insides of the vine turned reddish. early on the vine had sharp thorns but later when we felt more relaxed, it was just a little bumpy, the suggestion of thorns.
- i realized how irish Murphy's name is and was amused and felt like a little joke from her bc i never thought about it really
- just remembering Rich's face. his huge black eyes. how he looked tired, always, eternally. seemed tired but happy all the time.
- got kind of an inkling that, although Rich is gone and he'll never come back, he's demanifested... i already knew for a long time that part of him resides within the Toy Soldier. so i may have spent some time last night staring into his face, trying to see what was left of him. at one point i actually reached up and held his face in my hands. then realized... i can TOUCH him! ??? at least some of the time. i guess i'd always assumed he was incorporeal. a ghost, you know. Rich was always a ghost, too, but a more legitimate one since he was human and once alive. but i don't remember if i could ever... touch him. he was always so cold. but the Toy Soldier didn't feel warm or cold, he was just... there. and he stared steadily into my eyes, but they weren't black like coal, just... that silvery grey, colorless way that they always are. empty, but also not. like a pale fire, intense but with no heat. to me they are the eyes of a friend. i'm very fond of this ghost.
- also i think although i've never noticed it, he's supposed to have long hair. tied up underneath the hat. i doubt one would ever see him without the hat on but that's an interesting touch. i suppose for a lot of the time, we had the long hair as well under our shako.
- he was around this morning, up until I busted my hands. not really "fronting" as such, but very close by. with a hand on me, perhaps. felt his eyes in place of mine, staring, losing focus and yet sharp. movements mechanical and precise, but more like a dancer than a robot. would tilt my head and felt the anchor in the bottom of the plume sway and tickle my hair inside the hat.
- i think he has a 'shard' of humanity. that shard is probably a tiny piece of Richeson, a demanifested bit of his essence buried deep and dormant. but needed. an essential part of what makes up the Toy Soldier's being. and now he's taking a gloved hand and pressing it against the chest of his uniform jacket and looking at me and blinking. like he knows and agrees about the buried sliver of what was once a friend of mine hidden inside him, keeping him anchored. and... so glad you're around. it's a welcome chill up my spine when you show up. love you.
- he isn't... QUITE... a person. he doesn't really have desires or opinions or anything. he's not human and doesn't pretend to be. if i didn't exist he wouldn't either, so i guess he's kind of a part of me? in a way. but i think of him as a person because he has a distinct vibe and essence, and when you ask him questions he answers, even though he does not speak. he isn't a robot or program or sending, but he's also not a human. he's not a regular headperson but he's also not quite a deity. the Toy Soldier is very much inbetween by nature.
