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haha what do i even write? more sappy shit bc today that's how i'm feelin'. fell asleep at 6 and slept until the sun went down. had a crazy long dream about driving to weird places with bb, sometimes in one car and sometimes in our separate cars, at some point we got underneath a big rig and had to maneuver our way out without getting killed???? idk but
when we finally arrived at wherever it was, some kinda restaurant... Bird was there. with some friends. and i'm not sure if i knew she'd be there or not but it started out real casual and then i realized that we hadn't ever met in the flesh before. and then shit got really snuggly. in the dream i was shorter than her although irl i think i am just a little bit taller. she would stand behind me with her arms around me and her chin rested right on top of my head. and it was nice. and her hair was rly soft and smelled so nice and it was just. ugh.
and i woke up like ohhhh fuck. i'm screwed. laying there alone in the bed with all my clothes on wanting nothing more than to touch someone far away. and it was not an unfamiliar feeling at all. ten years ago this exact thing was happening to me, except now i'm a lot older and wiser about relationships and it's way healthier. [oops. did i just call this a relationship? is it a relationship? like in That Way? i don't know. i shouldn't say for sure haha.] but like... the irony is killin' me. it was exactly ten years ago that this happened the first time. and i'm not comparing the two events really except for timing and the fact they're both long distance [and like... the same distance... tucson vs salt lake basically... wtf] but... wow. ya.
and part of me feels like "didn't i learn last time? why'd i let myself go this far again?" as if it's a mistake. as if last time was a mistake. Dale and i are still great friends and i love him dearly. our relationship was kind of... intense and not incredibly healthy but i learned from it, we both did, and it was alright. we were young'ns who both came from a family whose only knowledge of love was pretty toxic. i'm pretty proud of how much i've taught myself over the years about how love really works. what's healthy and what's poisonous. so many people never get that chance.
the great thing about love is that you'll always kinda have that little spark. what happened between dale and i lasted all of two years and then was over, and we had a little rough patch at times but i still look towards him with soft eyes, tbh. would i ever date him again, probably not, and that's fine. but if we ever do meet up, i feel like it would be a shame not to kiss him one good time HAHA. how many times did i want more than anything and never got to as a teenager?
idk man. feelz. i love this year so much thus far and it's only a quarter of the way through. the best is yet to come.
in non sappy updates we finally got groceries for the first time yooo. my bank account is pissed off at me bc i haven't been very kind to it this week. >_>' but... i have roughly half the plane ticket fees saved up... hopefully that can stay that way and the car inspection and stuff won't totally kill that lmao. and it's saint Patrick's day [yooo my middle name~] so we went and got some honey whiskey. FINALLY I HAVE HONEY WHISKEY AGAIN yeeeesss. my favorite liquor of all time i think. god i love that shit. it's Bushmills which... i really prefer Jack but i mean. we had to get the irish one. salute to my irish roots. [i have German and English and Cherokee roots as well among others but... ya know.] so i'm gonna drink a little bit, not overmuch. and probably get EVEN SAPPIER. i'm ok with this. and YOU KNOW WHAT'S RLY SPECIAL? i'm also pretty sure Bird is ok with this. do you know what a huge step that is for me to not tell myself no one wants to hear about my feelings, that they are too heavy or too scary or inappropriate? that they don't feel the same and don't want to know that i do in the first place? not telling myself, if someone doesn't respond immediately to something i said, that it was offensive and weird and gross and stupid and they're reconsidering their choice to hang around me??? THAT'S A P BIG DEAL Y'ALL. <3
also help me she calls me Ollie people are actually calling me Ollie as a real name for me and i love it so much abloobloobloo ;www;
and in inner news... hiccup has wandered off a little bit. been feeling him pulling away. not because he doesn't want to be around me, the opposite in fact. like he wasn't letting himself go and travel and wander. he NEEDS to. he needs space and time to fly. i don't want him to feel nailed down. i didn't really want to be up here without him after so long, but... i can't lie to myself. i know i'm strong enough now. before i fell asleep i felt him wheeling high above, now i don't feel him anywhere around. i wonder how long he'll be out there. but i know if i called him he'd immediately come to me, and that's a comfort. i'll be fine. i hope he knows that. i think he does. i think i do too. <3
when we finally arrived at wherever it was, some kinda restaurant... Bird was there. with some friends. and i'm not sure if i knew she'd be there or not but it started out real casual and then i realized that we hadn't ever met in the flesh before. and then shit got really snuggly. in the dream i was shorter than her although irl i think i am just a little bit taller. she would stand behind me with her arms around me and her chin rested right on top of my head. and it was nice. and her hair was rly soft and smelled so nice and it was just. ugh.
and i woke up like ohhhh fuck. i'm screwed. laying there alone in the bed with all my clothes on wanting nothing more than to touch someone far away. and it was not an unfamiliar feeling at all. ten years ago this exact thing was happening to me, except now i'm a lot older and wiser about relationships and it's way healthier. [oops. did i just call this a relationship? is it a relationship? like in That Way? i don't know. i shouldn't say for sure haha.] but like... the irony is killin' me. it was exactly ten years ago that this happened the first time. and i'm not comparing the two events really except for timing and the fact they're both long distance [and like... the same distance... tucson vs salt lake basically... wtf] but... wow. ya.
and part of me feels like "didn't i learn last time? why'd i let myself go this far again?" as if it's a mistake. as if last time was a mistake. Dale and i are still great friends and i love him dearly. our relationship was kind of... intense and not incredibly healthy but i learned from it, we both did, and it was alright. we were young'ns who both came from a family whose only knowledge of love was pretty toxic. i'm pretty proud of how much i've taught myself over the years about how love really works. what's healthy and what's poisonous. so many people never get that chance.
the great thing about love is that you'll always kinda have that little spark. what happened between dale and i lasted all of two years and then was over, and we had a little rough patch at times but i still look towards him with soft eyes, tbh. would i ever date him again, probably not, and that's fine. but if we ever do meet up, i feel like it would be a shame not to kiss him one good time HAHA. how many times did i want more than anything and never got to as a teenager?
idk man. feelz. i love this year so much thus far and it's only a quarter of the way through. the best is yet to come.
in non sappy updates we finally got groceries for the first time yooo. my bank account is pissed off at me bc i haven't been very kind to it this week. >_>' but... i have roughly half the plane ticket fees saved up... hopefully that can stay that way and the car inspection and stuff won't totally kill that lmao. and it's saint Patrick's day [yooo my middle name~] so we went and got some honey whiskey. FINALLY I HAVE HONEY WHISKEY AGAIN yeeeesss. my favorite liquor of all time i think. god i love that shit. it's Bushmills which... i really prefer Jack but i mean. we had to get the irish one. salute to my irish roots. [i have German and English and Cherokee roots as well among others but... ya know.] so i'm gonna drink a little bit, not overmuch. and probably get EVEN SAPPIER. i'm ok with this. and YOU KNOW WHAT'S RLY SPECIAL? i'm also pretty sure Bird is ok with this. do you know what a huge step that is for me to not tell myself no one wants to hear about my feelings, that they are too heavy or too scary or inappropriate? that they don't feel the same and don't want to know that i do in the first place? not telling myself, if someone doesn't respond immediately to something i said, that it was offensive and weird and gross and stupid and they're reconsidering their choice to hang around me??? THAT'S A P BIG DEAL Y'ALL. <3
also help me she calls me Ollie people are actually calling me Ollie as a real name for me and i love it so much abloobloobloo ;www;
and in inner news... hiccup has wandered off a little bit. been feeling him pulling away. not because he doesn't want to be around me, the opposite in fact. like he wasn't letting himself go and travel and wander. he NEEDS to. he needs space and time to fly. i don't want him to feel nailed down. i didn't really want to be up here without him after so long, but... i can't lie to myself. i know i'm strong enough now. before i fell asleep i felt him wheeling high above, now i don't feel him anywhere around. i wonder how long he'll be out there. but i know if i called him he'd immediately come to me, and that's a comfort. i'll be fine. i hope he knows that. i think he does. i think i do too. <3
