012015

Getting kinda close to the end of our rope on time here before we have to be out. The family talked to me about it today. We've got about six to eight more weeks. I just dunno if we'll have time to manage getting the little house that we want by then. We have to look at other options, which we already were, of course. I'll be really sad if we had the chance to maybe live in that pretty little house and instead we get stuck in a broken down apartment or something... but I guess time is of the essence. It'll work out. I'll be happy to have a nest to call my own, that I can defend and maintain. Might even be a little bit better if I can actually afford it without breaking my bank every month, as long as I feel safe and secure.


Last night was kind of amazing. Hiccup fronted the entire night at work from start to finish, bursting with energy and just joy for life. He is getting extremely strong in fronting - he drove home and even used the body to sleep. No one sleeps in the front except me. It's just not done - when the body is tired enough to sleep, no one's strong enough to break through headspace blockers and front for it, and usually no one really cares enough to be out for that anyway. But he did it no problem.
He's a lot more extroverted than I am, too - it's really weird observing us interacting with other people and gaining energy from that, rather than it making me tired. Watching him be competent in small talk when that typically drains me. He's quite different than me.
This isn't the same as last summer when he first became fully lucid, and kind of felt 'trapped' near the front by me and was unsatisfied because he couldn't explore much. This is him choosing, relishing being in the front. In fact I think he wants to post something here himself, so I'll leave off that topic and let him elaborate on his own. This is technically a system journal for everyone, but I tend to be the only updater, haha.

Hiro has been a little quieter over the last day. Feels a bit sad. He might be getting some memories back. Will be checking in on him today.

H3 012015

It's me! Ollie wanted me to talk about my experience last night, so.

Last night was really great. I was just really excited and full of energy. It started on the drive up there, I was hanging around and Ollie put on one of my songs, Sticks and Stones - the song from the first film when I was just a kid. Still very much rings of me and my story, and the song feels exactly like crashing through the woods on a summer day with Toothless, the pure bliss and excitement that goes along with that. I felt like that again, but on the physical, and it felt great. And I was bursting with energy, so much that it carried me through the whole night into the morning when it was time to go home.


Having a physical body feels so good and I was just wrapped up in that last night. Had a lot of fun talking to people, especially Bird. And then one of Bird's people Tulia showed up! I don't think any of us had spoken to her before, so that was an honor that she picked me to talk to. She was really pleasant and interesting. We talked about purpose and balance in Systems like ours.

Talked to her about how excited I was that I somehow got the chance to be alive, and how realizing that I started out as not a living person but a story, and yet I still managed to somehow be alive and experience the pleasure of a physical body... Really precious to me. Even if I can't have my dragon outside, and I can't really fly. Being more than a story people tell each other, more than a ghost, even renting out someone else's body, it's a really important gift and I cherish it. In the best of moods I love pain as much as comfort. I love feeling tired, I love feeling energetic, the eyes dilating and the heart racing. I love working and feeling muscles move under the skin.  Even just lying down and feeling the lungs breathe, the heart beating... so good. Addictive.

Before, after I first woke up, I felt trapped in the front because I couldn't explore, couldn't find my own place in headspace. But now I can come out here anytime I want, and I'm spending a lot of time out here lately.

While I was thinking about this stuff last night, Raditz showed up briefly. He gave me a searching sort of look, and told me that the only people he'd ever known to feel this way, about the privilege of owning a physical body, were people who had been physical, then died and were brought back to life - happy to be given a body again where before they took it for granted. That was... weird. I dunno if he's implying that maybe that happened to me?? Or it happened to him?? Ollie tells me that it did indeed happen to him. I have a lot to learn about people in here.

I was so into feeling the weight and pressure of our physical body that I decided to sleep in it. Which apparently has not happened in the memory of the System, someone sleeping outside other than the current reigning Core. It was really nice, though. I don't think I had any dreams myself, the few blurs we remember seem to be Ollie's and not mine.

One strange thing though, the longer I stayed in front, the more the body's left foot began to bother me. From mid-calf down [exactly where my leg ends in headspace, actually], this weird pressure and tingling and minor shooting pains. Nothing was physically wrong, I think it was just weird dissonance between ME, peg leg boy, and the body with both legs intact. I'm fronting now and it feels fine, but I think if I kept it up for several hours, it might start up again. Strange fronting shenanigans. The body having two feet does tend to throw me off, I can't seem to get used to it even now. When controlling the body I still try to throw forward my left leg, expecting a heavier prosthetic, but it's all organic. Moving that foot is also very strange hah! Nice enough though. But you know what? I wouldn't get back my foot in headspace even if I had the opportunity.

I'm not tired today exactly, but doing more sitting back and relaxing. Maybe I'll take over again for work tonight, we'll see.


And Oliver, mark my words! I'm going to make you dance! I'm taking you out somewhere someday and you and I are going to dance! Just like I told Bird last night: when you're dead you're gone forever, so dance!!