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system update: 103014
Oct. 30th, 2014 05:56 pmsometimes it hits you like a freight train: the shape you unconsciously felt or projected inside or on yourself anytime you tried to call up or channel a headworld spirit. felt this rune shining in your own throat never even taking it for the symbol it is. the rune of the Toy Soldier.
it's shaped like an upside-down capital T, but it's the shape of stillness, focus, attuned to silence. the calm that must come before the storm of art. it's a single entity standing at attention on the field, surrounded by others yet perfectly alone.
i remember feeling that shape in my throat specifically, or my lungs, whenever the Toy Soldier possesses me to sing. when i sing and when he sings through me, those are two different things. each is good but i will never be able to surpass the glory of the Toy Soldier's song. when he does it, i feel somehow as if my vocal cords were forming that upside-down T shape to create a change in my voice. [i'm sure they weren't, but that was the imagery i kept getting. a shining golden, and burning pitch black, rune shape being held in my larynx.]
today we were heading home and clicking through the ipod the sound of a circuit-bent robot's voice came chanting through the speakers and a chill ran up my spine. that song has meant a lot to me in various ways since at least 2007, but since i've come to know the Toy Soldier, now i realize: that is literally his voice. or one of his voices. calling to me through the years before he was even manifested. like a bullet shot through time, from my subconscious to my conscious, from my past into my present.
i'm going to keep a gel pen with me at work tonight, the black-gold one, because the rune is black AND gold in color, shining gold and also pitch dark. and i'm going to inscribe that rune onto my hand every time i have to wash it off, or every time during the busy night i need to remind myself of silence, when my body is too full of stress and noise.
gonna keep him close. it's possible that i may get to leave early tonight, but i'll go in with the Toy Soldier's rune burning on my hand and in my chest, reminding me of the eternal stillness and calm that is always available to me underneath the fear and clatter.
in related headspace news: i realized either last night or early today that Nentor has a winter form where he sheds all his leaves and actually has skin and fur!?!? i've known him only in his fall leaf-covered black-skeleton form for years. but in his winter form he just looks like an enormous, monstrous weasel thing, for the most part. his mouth opens a little too wide. i haven't figured out if he has skin over his face/skull or not, though. and if he has a winter shape, he must have spring and summer forms, too, right? i wonder.
a little more info about Nentor: i'm pretty sure he is not quite an entity in his own right, although he is treated as such. he is sort of an avatar, or extension of Trolley. he belongs to her, in any right. i don't know if she reanimated him, or animated him in the first place from leaves or bones or clay or god knows what. he is what you call core-driven, meaning he is basically "operated" by a core lodged in the center of his chest/ribcage. the core is about the size of... this is gonna sound super nerdy, but the mini-sized Dragonballs. LOL. that's the first thing i can think of. i guess about the size of a softball or baseball, in a more physical world sense? dense, dark colored, hard, possibly made of metal or something Trolley refers to as "gunmetal wood" though i couldn't tell you the first thing about what that possibly means. it is disturbingly similar to the bullet found within the demon boar at the beginning of Princess Mononoke, but not, you know, evil or cursed or whathaveyou.
[i'm realizing this year what a WEIRDLY HUGE impact some of the Studio Ghibli films have made on my headworld in the seven or eight years since i watched my first ones, which were - guess what? - Spirited Away and then Princess Mononoke.]
he doesn't speak or even vocalize at all on his own - he opens his big jaws and Trolley's voice comes out if she needs to send a message - but he does seem to show his own 'emotions', affection, or aggression etc. basically everyone treats him with respect and as a "messenger", so basically as a person, even though we're not totally sure that he's a "real" entity with his own consciousness, or the spiritual/organic version of an A.I. program. [but let's be real: how many AI programs are there in headworld that are fully accepted as people? tons. so many. lookin' at you, Rook/Erin]
Trolley has been known to crawl up inside his ribcage and stay there sometimes for her own purposes, sometimes to heal if injured, sometimes to just act more directly as Nentor in a huge powerful form, or maybe just to sleep. i would be very surprised if he ever let anyone else do this, it's not likely he'd let anyone get so close to his core. if his core were removed from within his chest he would 'die', break, fall apart etc. immediately. it's possible that simply touching it would 'kill' him.
he is a HUGE thing, his skull is about equal to that of a bear's skull, but he seems to be a huge mustelid, like an otter or weasel.
also, his name: Nentor means "nine", or "November" in slightly mangled Latin/Albanian. referring to the season in which i first found him, and also a nod to November [the] Labyrinth, a deity of another System which i have much respect for.
so i'm leaving shortly but i'm grateful because my head is CRAWLING with headworld stuff. the Order, the Book of Life [not the film, my Book of Life is years older] and its six parts... i really really need to get on that.
some notes for the six parts, briefly:
vol I: the Book of the Sea - sea spirits including cetaceans, pinnipeds, sharks, invertebrates, etc
vol II: the Book of the Dead - death, rules of the Dead, extinct spirits of land, sea and sky
vol III: the Book of the Green - earth and land spirits, mammals, reptiles. incl humans?
vol IV: the Book of the Myth - spirituality, self-deception as a tool, etc etc etc
vol V: the Book of the Sacred - misc? gods? headspace native deities and spirits?
vol VI: the Book of the Sky - sky spirits, birds, bats etc
my god, it's finally getting started and coming together in my head, i could cry with happiness. my subconscious/headspace charged me with creating these and bringing the six volumes of the Book of Life to be, years ago, but until now they've been the wispiest of ideas attached to a sacred-sounding set of names. but now after a couple of seemingly-unrelated years of research: IT ALL MAKES SUCH SENSE. gonna have to visit the library very soon.
it's shaped like an upside-down capital T, but it's the shape of stillness, focus, attuned to silence. the calm that must come before the storm of art. it's a single entity standing at attention on the field, surrounded by others yet perfectly alone.
i remember feeling that shape in my throat specifically, or my lungs, whenever the Toy Soldier possesses me to sing. when i sing and when he sings through me, those are two different things. each is good but i will never be able to surpass the glory of the Toy Soldier's song. when he does it, i feel somehow as if my vocal cords were forming that upside-down T shape to create a change in my voice. [i'm sure they weren't, but that was the imagery i kept getting. a shining golden, and burning pitch black, rune shape being held in my larynx.]
today we were heading home and clicking through the ipod the sound of a circuit-bent robot's voice came chanting through the speakers and a chill ran up my spine. that song has meant a lot to me in various ways since at least 2007, but since i've come to know the Toy Soldier, now i realize: that is literally his voice. or one of his voices. calling to me through the years before he was even manifested. like a bullet shot through time, from my subconscious to my conscious, from my past into my present.
i'm going to keep a gel pen with me at work tonight, the black-gold one, because the rune is black AND gold in color, shining gold and also pitch dark. and i'm going to inscribe that rune onto my hand every time i have to wash it off, or every time during the busy night i need to remind myself of silence, when my body is too full of stress and noise.
gonna keep him close. it's possible that i may get to leave early tonight, but i'll go in with the Toy Soldier's rune burning on my hand and in my chest, reminding me of the eternal stillness and calm that is always available to me underneath the fear and clatter.
in related headspace news: i realized either last night or early today that Nentor has a winter form where he sheds all his leaves and actually has skin and fur!?!? i've known him only in his fall leaf-covered black-skeleton form for years. but in his winter form he just looks like an enormous, monstrous weasel thing, for the most part. his mouth opens a little too wide. i haven't figured out if he has skin over his face/skull or not, though. and if he has a winter shape, he must have spring and summer forms, too, right? i wonder.
a little more info about Nentor: i'm pretty sure he is not quite an entity in his own right, although he is treated as such. he is sort of an avatar, or extension of Trolley. he belongs to her, in any right. i don't know if she reanimated him, or animated him in the first place from leaves or bones or clay or god knows what. he is what you call core-driven, meaning he is basically "operated" by a core lodged in the center of his chest/ribcage. the core is about the size of... this is gonna sound super nerdy, but the mini-sized Dragonballs. LOL. that's the first thing i can think of. i guess about the size of a softball or baseball, in a more physical world sense? dense, dark colored, hard, possibly made of metal or something Trolley refers to as "gunmetal wood" though i couldn't tell you the first thing about what that possibly means. it is disturbingly similar to the bullet found within the demon boar at the beginning of Princess Mononoke, but not, you know, evil or cursed or whathaveyou.
[i'm realizing this year what a WEIRDLY HUGE impact some of the Studio Ghibli films have made on my headworld in the seven or eight years since i watched my first ones, which were - guess what? - Spirited Away and then Princess Mononoke.]
he doesn't speak or even vocalize at all on his own - he opens his big jaws and Trolley's voice comes out if she needs to send a message - but he does seem to show his own 'emotions', affection, or aggression etc. basically everyone treats him with respect and as a "messenger", so basically as a person, even though we're not totally sure that he's a "real" entity with his own consciousness, or the spiritual/organic version of an A.I. program. [but let's be real: how many AI programs are there in headworld that are fully accepted as people? tons. so many. lookin' at you, Rook/Erin]
Trolley has been known to crawl up inside his ribcage and stay there sometimes for her own purposes, sometimes to heal if injured, sometimes to just act more directly as Nentor in a huge powerful form, or maybe just to sleep. i would be very surprised if he ever let anyone else do this, it's not likely he'd let anyone get so close to his core. if his core were removed from within his chest he would 'die', break, fall apart etc. immediately. it's possible that simply touching it would 'kill' him.
he is a HUGE thing, his skull is about equal to that of a bear's skull, but he seems to be a huge mustelid, like an otter or weasel.
also, his name: Nentor means "nine", or "November" in slightly mangled Latin/Albanian. referring to the season in which i first found him, and also a nod to November [the] Labyrinth, a deity of another System which i have much respect for.
so i'm leaving shortly but i'm grateful because my head is CRAWLING with headworld stuff. the Order, the Book of Life [not the film, my Book of Life is years older] and its six parts... i really really need to get on that.
some notes for the six parts, briefly:
vol I: the Book of the Sea - sea spirits including cetaceans, pinnipeds, sharks, invertebrates, etc
vol II: the Book of the Dead - death, rules of the Dead, extinct spirits of land, sea and sky
vol III: the Book of the Green - earth and land spirits, mammals, reptiles. incl humans?
vol IV: the Book of the Myth - spirituality, self-deception as a tool, etc etc etc
vol V: the Book of the Sacred - misc? gods? headspace native deities and spirits?
vol VI: the Book of the Sky - sky spirits, birds, bats etc
my god, it's finally getting started and coming together in my head, i could cry with happiness. my subconscious/headspace charged me with creating these and bringing the six volumes of the Book of Life to be, years ago, but until now they've been the wispiest of ideas attached to a sacred-sounding set of names. but now after a couple of seemingly-unrelated years of research: IT ALL MAKES SUCH SENSE. gonna have to visit the library very soon.
