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thebrokenarrowshaven't been keeping up, feel my urge to journal starting to slip. not good.
last night on my way home i was listening to something - i feel like the song was rather important and relevant, but i can't remember now - and suddenly, an image came into my head. like a sphere, or a bubble, pure black, filled with other smaller bubbles, bright blue and green, moving about inside. there was black space in between them, the biggest bubble's space.
this image stayed with me, and when i went to bed shortly after, Trolley showed up. a rarity these days. she took my hand - vines and creepers reached out from her arms and entwined with my fingers - and pleaded with me to pay attention, stay awake, because this was headspace. we were inside the black void between the many smaller bubbles.
she told me, the reason i was having trouble fitting headspace together, seeing the whole map, was because it wasn't a map. it was many, many worlds. little ones, big ones, separated and together within the whole. right then i was between, yes almost like Pern. and she said from between, as it were, i could find any world if i tried. she said the archives, the tiny memory-place bubbles... the reason i couldn't figure out 'where' they were and how people could travel there was because i kept trying to place them on a single plane together, and that's just simply not how it worked.
after that things blurred out and i succumbed to sleep. but the memory stayed with me; it was important. it's vastly changed how i see headspace, and hopefully helps me put the puzzles together in a more meaningful way.
also: Carolina parakeets. talking with a friend made me think about them again, about the vibes i feel with them, about the way they sometimes show up in headspace, dead. broken little green-feathered corpses that i cradle in my hands. it's a very strong sign, i think it's one that i'm not taking care of myself properly.
also that i don't "let" myself take the shape of the parakeet, like i'm somehow not allowed? or don't deserve it? i always tell myself that parrots don't fit me, they're too colorful, too social and outgoing, that i'd just be wearing a parrot's shape because they're charismatic animals that i really like. but that's just not true. i should stop telling myself lies and making excuses to self sabotage. maybe then the parakeets would start showing up alive.
outer life is... meh. the same it's always been. accumulating funds, slowly, so achingly slowly. i want to propose that we go look for an apartment soon, so we have an idea of exactly where we want to go. but the idea scares me. egh. i've just been going about life. working, going home, sleeping, internetting.
been a wee bit depressed lately i think. been feeling stuck to the computer, not doing enough art. eating almost nothing but kraft mac and cheese and instant vermicelli noodles. i think the lack of variety in diet is probably not helping. -_- my idea of saving money by not feeding myself properly is not a good one. i need to stop that. but going out and getting groceries feels painfully like spending money, ugh
last night was pretty fun at work actually. we had to close for three hours for some maintenance that prevented us making any food, so... i got paid to hole up in a corner of the locked lobby, with no customers around anywhere, and draw. my boss sent me across the parking lot to walmart to pick up some xmas lights, and i guess i decided it would be a waste of time to drive? so i walked? actually i tried to RUN. but i forgot how out of shape i was and so my chest and throat hurt from breathing so hard, and i got a headache. >_> whatever, it was cool. and i was so tired - in a good, i worked hard kinda way, not a work is mentally draining and kills my soul way like usual - that i fell right out when i went to bed, which is rare.
last night on my way home i was listening to something - i feel like the song was rather important and relevant, but i can't remember now - and suddenly, an image came into my head. like a sphere, or a bubble, pure black, filled with other smaller bubbles, bright blue and green, moving about inside. there was black space in between them, the biggest bubble's space.
this image stayed with me, and when i went to bed shortly after, Trolley showed up. a rarity these days. she took my hand - vines and creepers reached out from her arms and entwined with my fingers - and pleaded with me to pay attention, stay awake, because this was headspace. we were inside the black void between the many smaller bubbles.
she told me, the reason i was having trouble fitting headspace together, seeing the whole map, was because it wasn't a map. it was many, many worlds. little ones, big ones, separated and together within the whole. right then i was between, yes almost like Pern. and she said from between, as it were, i could find any world if i tried. she said the archives, the tiny memory-place bubbles... the reason i couldn't figure out 'where' they were and how people could travel there was because i kept trying to place them on a single plane together, and that's just simply not how it worked.
after that things blurred out and i succumbed to sleep. but the memory stayed with me; it was important. it's vastly changed how i see headspace, and hopefully helps me put the puzzles together in a more meaningful way.
also: Carolina parakeets. talking with a friend made me think about them again, about the vibes i feel with them, about the way they sometimes show up in headspace, dead. broken little green-feathered corpses that i cradle in my hands. it's a very strong sign, i think it's one that i'm not taking care of myself properly.
also that i don't "let" myself take the shape of the parakeet, like i'm somehow not allowed? or don't deserve it? i always tell myself that parrots don't fit me, they're too colorful, too social and outgoing, that i'd just be wearing a parrot's shape because they're charismatic animals that i really like. but that's just not true. i should stop telling myself lies and making excuses to self sabotage. maybe then the parakeets would start showing up alive.
outer life is... meh. the same it's always been. accumulating funds, slowly, so achingly slowly. i want to propose that we go look for an apartment soon, so we have an idea of exactly where we want to go. but the idea scares me. egh. i've just been going about life. working, going home, sleeping, internetting.
been a wee bit depressed lately i think. been feeling stuck to the computer, not doing enough art. eating almost nothing but kraft mac and cheese and instant vermicelli noodles. i think the lack of variety in diet is probably not helping. -_- my idea of saving money by not feeding myself properly is not a good one. i need to stop that. but going out and getting groceries feels painfully like spending money, ugh
last night was pretty fun at work actually. we had to close for three hours for some maintenance that prevented us making any food, so... i got paid to hole up in a corner of the locked lobby, with no customers around anywhere, and draw. my boss sent me across the parking lot to walmart to pick up some xmas lights, and i guess i decided it would be a waste of time to drive? so i walked? actually i tried to RUN. but i forgot how out of shape i was and so my chest and throat hurt from breathing so hard, and i got a headache. >_> whatever, it was cool. and i was so tired - in a good, i worked hard kinda way, not a work is mentally draining and kills my soul way like usual - that i fell right out when i went to bed, which is rare.
