(no subject)

really shouldnt even be making this update tbh i try not to make stress updates anymore bc they don't help but idk

can't sleep and when i do sleep i have the most terrible nightmares. stomach ulcers, my guts are upset. everything i try to do to help this situation completely blows up in my face. i know it will blow up in my face but i'm left with no choice but to try and then when it blows up in my face, just count myself lucky to be home alone so i can stuff my face into the futon and cry and scream at the top of my lungs until the walls ring and my throat is raw

keep trying to go back, keep trying to ask the system, BEGGING the system, please, please give me someone. anyone. who can help. anyone reliable who has access to general memory that can do the job. why isn't it working. i keep trying to not get frustrated and pound on the door because  that doesn't work but every minute that creeps by brings my panic to a higher boil.

this happens on my first day of five straight days. almost eleven straight days with one day off in between and several shifts of staying hours over my time.

i need a break. i need a mental day. something. anything. but they make it absolutely impossible.

all they have to say is "you're stressed from WORKING? what is your actual problem besides that you're WORKING."

theres way more bullshit but i cant go into detail and i cant deal with this i cant do anything

everything i try to do feels so pointless. a distraction from the real life which is the hellhole that my job has become. an unescapable pit of stress

i can't job hunt because work takes absolutely all my spoons and then some every single shift. and i have to spend my days off recovering. what am i supposed to do. everyone i talk to just eventually shrugs their shoulders at me. no one can help me

feel like there is no help to be had at all

feel so utterly trapped they tell me i'm not helpless but that sure is how it feels why won't the system help me why won't anyone come take my place WHY CAN'T I LEAVE THE FRONT I CAN'T STAND IT HERE!!!!!!

nts; floating islands

gotta write this bc the system threw it my way and i cannot forget

;; floating islands. bubblespaces exist on these islands. including: several instances of the old house including one that [probably] only Apostrophe can go into where it's eternally christmas morning. [probably a blend of christmas 1999 and 2000, if i know Apostrophe]
- there's things aside from bubblespaces though. think the Order might now be on a really big one of these islands. maybe it always has been?? might explain the difficulty perceiving it


a lot of this got thrown at me by resonance from gmod. the particular map with the islands in the sky.
resonating imagery:
- the reflective pattern being all these flecks of rainbow light. rainbows scattering off oily sides of beings, or off glass or metallic surfaces, anything reflective like window panes
- windows that seem shattered and busted from the outside, but from the inside the building seems completely whole and fine
- the windmill. the island with the windmill and the rows of garden crops, mostly empty barns etc. is this someone's bubblespace that i don't know about? the windmill gives me a... weird vibe. possibly alive or once living.
- tall white tower. very tall, impossibly tall on a tiny island. just one little room inside that goes way up, with lots of warm natural light filtering in. but secretly there is a small space at the very top. with a crack in the brick works up there so you can see outside and light comes through. plants encrusting the door. a big engraved beautiful metal symbol adorns the center of the floor in the 'chapel' of the tower.
- loads of other small church like buildings with shiny walls and water in the floors and symbols/sigils decorating the floor. glowing symbols as the centerpiece on the walls.
- a square of buildings and just outside the buildings, three stones stand in a still pool of water. sacred holy spaces just outside and/or involved with busy areas.
- island with castle and in the yard in front of the castle, a big stone slab/square space the size of an outdoor basketball practice court with 'fiery' sigils, circles etc drawn on top. similar circles drawn on top of a big spire on castle accessible by stairs.
- some islands miles apart, some so close together you can lay a log across


go on this map and look up shapes of islands, setups of buildings for reference. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH TAKING INSPIRATION FROM OUTSIDE DO NOT HOLD BACK


in other news: this might have come all at once because the previous landscape setup has changed. which might mean today was SO bad that a Scratch happened. partial at least. fuck.