032915

just a weird night suddenly. don't want to go to work although i know it will probably help clear this brain smog up. idk. the last hour or two i've just been stagnant and unable to do anything and that familiar dread of work, and frustration just builds and little tiny problems become huge ones

and of course now is the time when everyone's talking and saying things all the time and roomates want to come in my room and say stuff and i can't admit that i feel depressed as fuck bc they'll want to hug me and try to get me to talk about it and no no no stop. there's nothing to talk about i promise. just please leave me alone i can't even deal with my bird chirping in a needy way right now

i'm fine nothing is wrong at all i swear. i'm just having a moment just leave me alone and let it pass ok

how the hell did this used to be my daily existence? no spoons to get out and do anything. totally stagnant. and yet doing stuff was the only thing that could break me out of it. and yet i couldn't make myself do a single thing. how did i ever get out of that hole now that i'm here again for a moment it terrifies me a little bit to think i spent years here

nothing for it i guess. i can't even take a shower yet bc the laundry is going but i'm gonna do it anyway even if it's cold. idc. just need to get clean i haven't showered for a few days and that might be part of what's causing this. that and not doing enough laundry and not cleaning things up. bad habits revisiting means bad mindsets come back. stagnation stagnation stagnation. i gotta keep up.

depression just squattin over me and teabagging me rn. it's fine it's fine it's fine. i'll be fine and in fact i am fine right now. just feelin shitty. bird sent me a text and said that she loves me and even that dragged me out some. a little ghost light cutting through the swamp gas in my brain. and the fact that i can let myself believe that she means it makes that light grow.



other stuff from today: fuckin loa. fuckin Ghedes especially. goddamnit. i shoulda known when i explicitly said I DON'T DANCE WITH LOA 2 days ago that they would make me eat my words. lmfao. we'll see how that shit goes. we'll just see.

toy soldier icon for no reason except good vibes i guess

//

in the shower started to regain headspace senses a little bit. first thing that always comes back is hearing. heard them speaking to me, responding to my inner monologue and making it a dialogue. always helpful. the voice was feminine, i think maybe kyo or thirteen, but i can't tell.

then a snippet of 'song for milly michaelson' by Thrice [the air album. of course. because why not] kept coming through my head and i got another flash, me, dragon, lying in a grassy field under a tree, with hiccup cradling my head in his lap. and singing it to me under his breath. in the softest voice. ugh. love that boy. we have some blending issues going on rn but. i love you.

little things that give me warm fuzzies. roommates calling me into the room to ask a question, calling "Hey Oliver?" ;w; i'm still new enough at this that it warms my heart every time. also with the mood i'm in rn calling me out is better than coming into my lair. and amazingly being called out by a name that doesn't hurt to get called by!! woah!!

also this emergency chocolate is kinda shitty i'm v disappointed. good thing i didn't wait til a more dire emergency than a mild bout of depression to open it. :V