021315

headspace thoughts bc today was a very Nothing Day [which is good. so much stress the past several months, the biggest problem we've had since June is now gone. and done. for at least like a year. which is wonderful] other than Majora's Mask. which went exactly as expected and was wonderful and i had so much feelings. still having feelings. but i'll probably babble about that later when i feel more inspired to babble about gaming instead of what i am going to babble about, which is headspace.


thing 1: headspace needs a name. like a place name. but it's so hard to name a place that is... multiple worlds in and of itself. like could you give the universe itself a name? because i couldn't. it's hard. but i'm tired of saying headspace all the time. where do the Broken Arrows live? that should be a name.

thing 2: i am really really grateful for the awesome tag team kinda dynamic that Hiccup and i have implemented over the past few months. but i'm really looking forward to when things move toward a more equal group. a bigger family of sorts. like more people become interested in fronting regularly and hanging around near the front, or being on call sorta. for a month or so it's been almost entirely just me and Hiccup. which has been AWESOME don't get me wrong but like... i'd like our front team to grow again like it used to be ;o;
Jewel is always hanging around the edges but never quite... coming in the room. just looking in through the doorway and then passing by again. i wonder what she's about.

thing 3: this week has been fox feels for me. grey/red fox in turns. feel this coming on whenever i feel relaxed and content. a brush tailed whiskery fox curling up by a fire, sometimes bright red as a fire himself. comfy and calm. not a usual shape for me but i'm a Shapeshifter so these things happen. i'm coming to realize that i am dragon. dragon is my main shape. i mean human is also a main/extremely common shape because i'm a Core, and closely tied to the body, but as for what am i, i'm a dragon. and it's really, really nice to finally know that. to finally sort of come into myself after these years of floating, questioning, doubting.
i'm even starting to finalize into a shape: copper scales for sure this time, black wings, maybe more black things. feathers around the neck and tail and some others. maybe covert feathers on the wings? not sure. long neck like a heron's that bends back in flight. fish eater. it's really nice to know myself. to know us, the System. this morning i was questioning my desire for a Broken Arrow tattoo, like we've only used that name for a few months, are we sure that's the name we want to go with? and like... no, we're not really, but... i'm starting to know the feeling of finding a Name. like Oliver. a few weeks ago i realized that i had been using the name Oliver for myself for almost two years and still considered it to be in the waffling stage, like 'oh i'm not sure i might change my mind later' but... no. nope. Oliver is me. that's pretty much settled down now. Oliver is my name and i have not once wiggled about it or not liked it in ANY way for years now. that is an extremely good sign. and i need to relax and finalize it, i've given it WAY more than an acceptable amount of time to test drive. same for Broken Arrows, it's a name that we have carried in our hearts in some form since 2007, it's a reference to the Toy Soldier... yes. i am learning the feeling of Names. i even think i know what to do with the name Howl, what it means and why it keeps hanging around. yep.

thing 4: i'm not going to get romantic with someone in headspace. i'm not going to get romantic with someone in headspace. i am not going to fucking get in a romantic fucking situation with a fucking person who shares my fucking head when i still lack any grasp on the concept of what the hell romance even is god damn it stop looking at me with those eyes stop




i guess that's all the things for now SHRUGS. doing a little doodling and feeling some feels and talking to friends and then bed will happen.

021415

WHY AM I SO FULL OF ANXIETY TONIGHT LOL. just one of those nights. need to just go with it, it will pass.

it's been a nice day. about to head to work and i'm sure it'll be busy but i'm getting so damn good at coping with Hiccup here man, it's crazy. getting to where nothing touches me. or if it does it's just in the moment and doesn't stick with me the next day like it used to.

wrote a thing in my private journal trying to detail as best i can the history of what's happened with Hiccup since late June when he first became evident. it's been a RLY INTERESTING RIDE LOL. but somehow i didn't feel like i got all of it out so. im still talking about it lol.

actually gonna go out to my car and get my ipod and slam that shit full of Shearwater music. THEN talk about it lmao

seriously i dunno if my blood pressure is up or what but i just feel rly nervous for absolutely no reason. my brain is silly.




SO ANYWAY. stayed up rly late last night although i didn't mean to bc Bird showed up after i figured she had gone to sleep lol. was out and about late into the night.
and at some point i went into the bathroom and was looking at my face in the mirror and heard from beside/behind me, "Ollie... you're really... cute."
and i fucking just
there is no emoticon that will describe the fucking face that i made LOL just like. rly? RLY. WHO JUST CASUALLY SAYS THAT when we're already in this situation. and his face went from normal smiley face to blushing his fucking freckles off because REALLY I THINK HE JUST MEANT THAT THE BODY'S FACE WAS A CUTE FACE. [altho me being a Core the body's face is basically exactly the same as mine more or less] but just. LOL. WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THIS ALREADY WEIRD SITUATION EVEN WORSE. we are fucked 2k15

so i drew a comic about it and showed Bird and Poe and just. omg. they both need to shut their stupid faces. they ship it SO HARD. and then i pointed out that the two of them constantly point out how much like them WE are, hiccup and I, and that it seemed to me like they were vicariously living out... things... through us. ehehe. i won't be too explicit here since it's public but w/e IT'S REALLY CUTE AND BECAME EVEN MORE CUTE WHEN THEY BOTH JUST KINDA SPLUTTERED AND WERE LIKE "WAIT WHAT NO" ahahahaa <3 <3
and the night just ended with Hiccup and i just looking at each other like 'fuck. this is kinda happening isn't it. no small talk left to hide behind. NOW WHAT.' and Bird & Poe sent us a text just before sleeping saying that they were sleeping out together and i just. :3c i ship it too. and THE ONLY REASON THEY WERE BEING SO CUTE IS BECAUSE OF US OMG us getting closer is drawing them closer too i think and i'm happy about that. yes.

and LOL LOOK AT ME POSTING THIS STUFF PUBLICLY i'm so paranoid about this whole fucking thing. but like forcing myself to be open about it a little bit. and every time i get anxious about like LOL DEVELOPING ~FEELINGS~ FOR PEOPLE IN MY HEAD AND OUTSPACERS AT THAT he makes these dumb goofy faces at me. like oh noooo a fictive HOW SCARY RUN AWAY


i dunno man. i dunno. we just make a really good team. and now these DUMB FEELINGS WON'T GO AWAY and we just get closer all the time. and just laid in bed last night feeling my heart beating and feeling him beside me in headspace. always there. always a word away even if he travels far.





"Charging down the maw of the ocean
I want to come close, I want to come closer
I held your name inside my mouth
Through all the days out wandering

But called up from the mouth of oblivion
Cast away like a dog from the shelter
I shed the dulling armor plates
that once collected radiance

And surging at the blood's perimeter,
the half-remembered wild interior
of an animal life"