Ugh. Where do I begin. What a day. I'm pretty exhausted and haven't even left for work yet.
Well, we're pretty much back to square one. The apartment in Charlotte isn't happening, looks like. Turns out you have to make AN ABSURD amount of income in order to live there. I make enough to pay rent MYSELF every month and there will be two of us there, but it's not even a third of what they require me to make. What the fuck. I don't know. So that was my despair for the day.
Then I find out something even more daunting...
My childhood house is empty. The little doublewide on six acres of woods in the middle of nowhere. My father isn't sure what to do with it now.
Fuck.
So... I haven't spoken to my dad in about three and a half years. We're not on good terms. But that is... a really really nice opportunity. Fucking hell. I guess I'm gonna have to break the silence. Maybe take him out to eat, have a conversation.
I... don't want him to think that I'm just talking to him because I want a favor of sorts. I wasn't for a long time, but... I'm willing to start over. To try having a relationship with him again. I thought I was still mad about what happened in the past, but... I'm not anymore. I've changed a lot. Grown a lot. And a lot can change in three and a half years.
Mom tells me he misses me and would love to have me back in his life. I hope that's true. I hope it's not just that he'd like it only on his terms. Because I need him to see me as an equal. There's a LOT of shit in the past, a lot of things that I still hold weapons against. But... I'd like to lay them down if he'll do the same.
I just hope. Hiccup's giving me a look and he has been all afternoon, for a lot of reasons. On the ride home when I couldn't talk or think, I felt him next to me, holding my hand in headspace. He knew I couldn't communicate or hear him, and he didn't need me to. The fact that he was able to get through the automatic barrier and just calmly sit with me and hold my hand as I freak out... that says a lot. He's a real friend. Even if he does spit out the old line just like everyone else... "you only have one dad". Like... I can't fault you, man. I know where that's coming from. But... just. I hope you never see the reason why I haven't contacted him in years.
He's not a villain. He's not an enemy. I have to make sure I don't see it that way. He's not some monster to defeat. He's a person just like everyone else, and everyone has some good in them. I've seen a very scary and ugly side of him, but I also know that he married a woman who is a really great person and I know she wouldn't marry some evil asshole. I just have to show him my best side, too.
That fucking house though. That land. Those woods. My childhood. My spirituality was formed there. How many times have I dreamed of buying the house off my dad and living there. Pipe dreams. How many times did I steal away some afternoon and walk in the woods like I did as a child. It would need so much cleaning but. Yeah. It'd be worth it. I hope.
Fortune cookie today:
"The clever crow always paints its feather black."
I just... Fuck.
Well, we're pretty much back to square one. The apartment in Charlotte isn't happening, looks like. Turns out you have to make AN ABSURD amount of income in order to live there. I make enough to pay rent MYSELF every month and there will be two of us there, but it's not even a third of what they require me to make. What the fuck. I don't know. So that was my despair for the day.
Then I find out something even more daunting...
My childhood house is empty. The little doublewide on six acres of woods in the middle of nowhere. My father isn't sure what to do with it now.
Fuck.
So... I haven't spoken to my dad in about three and a half years. We're not on good terms. But that is... a really really nice opportunity. Fucking hell. I guess I'm gonna have to break the silence. Maybe take him out to eat, have a conversation.
I... don't want him to think that I'm just talking to him because I want a favor of sorts. I wasn't for a long time, but... I'm willing to start over. To try having a relationship with him again. I thought I was still mad about what happened in the past, but... I'm not anymore. I've changed a lot. Grown a lot. And a lot can change in three and a half years.
Mom tells me he misses me and would love to have me back in his life. I hope that's true. I hope it's not just that he'd like it only on his terms. Because I need him to see me as an equal. There's a LOT of shit in the past, a lot of things that I still hold weapons against. But... I'd like to lay them down if he'll do the same.
I just hope. Hiccup's giving me a look and he has been all afternoon, for a lot of reasons. On the ride home when I couldn't talk or think, I felt him next to me, holding my hand in headspace. He knew I couldn't communicate or hear him, and he didn't need me to. The fact that he was able to get through the automatic barrier and just calmly sit with me and hold my hand as I freak out... that says a lot. He's a real friend. Even if he does spit out the old line just like everyone else... "you only have one dad". Like... I can't fault you, man. I know where that's coming from. But... just. I hope you never see the reason why I haven't contacted him in years.
He's not a villain. He's not an enemy. I have to make sure I don't see it that way. He's not some monster to defeat. He's a person just like everyone else, and everyone has some good in them. I've seen a very scary and ugly side of him, but I also know that he married a woman who is a really great person and I know she wouldn't marry some evil asshole. I just have to show him my best side, too.
That fucking house though. That land. Those woods. My childhood. My spirituality was formed there. How many times have I dreamed of buying the house off my dad and living there. Pipe dreams. How many times did I steal away some afternoon and walk in the woods like I did as a child. It would need so much cleaning but. Yeah. It'd be worth it. I hope.
Fortune cookie today:
"The clever crow always paints its feather black."
I just... Fuck.