Entries tagged with hiccup

Entry tags:

gaming,
hiccup

052915

bird leaving in a couple hours ish, gonna be gone all weekend. always sad when that happens but she comes back with such good stories. and like i wanted to talk some about how different it felt for me last time. try to suss out what exactly my thoughts are because it keeps coming back up.

i think last time they went was... late march??? which is ridic now that i think about it, too long. and that was before The Night The Computer Blew Up, which was kind of a rly important milestone between us i think, and before a lot of other smaller and also important days that have led us to where we are now. but the last time i remember spending rather obsessively and piningly, passing the days hurting and wanting something that i believed was off limits. unreachable. little did i know it was basically in my hands already and i couldn't let myself see it. i will of course miss her and the whole System but i don't think it will be nearly the same. which is amazing to me. mindblowing. something i've been struggling to internalize for months seems to have finally worked its way under my skin and now... i feel rather unstoppable.

this coming after that really important conversation we had about waiting around too much to actually live life. that talk kinda sucked at the time and i was really embarassed talking about these ugly parts of myself, but it was what got me off my butt and into that hike in the park. [did i write about that? me and bb found some old plantation house ruins in the woods. and i saw my first live crawdad in a deep stream pool and it was awesome.]

on another note while out today [picked up some games/a gameboy pocket/a rly cute NDS carry case that looks like a gigantic DS lite which cost a dollar :D] i saw crows doing mid air flight maneuvers and realized that the weird magnetism feelings i'd been having weren't kinfeels for ME, exactly, [which i knew. i align with corvids a lot but not identify as such] but they're kinfeels for hiccup. he's a crow. i mean no, he's a DRAGON, but as a bird he would absolutely be a plain ol' crow. a little beaten up but the best fucking flier in the sky and he knows it. that's his vibe for sure.

got home after that trip and wanted to play my game but just didn't have the attention span or interest to really learn the megaman game, so i turned it off after a couple minutes. it's ok. i want to involve bb in that game anyway, he's the one with megaman experience. so then i cleaned up and organized my gaming station which i tend to do after every trip to save point [which is awesome, because it gets awful cluttered LOL]. and it looks better than ever if you ask me. i love a good organized gaming shelf. my situation isn't perfect but it works well.

you know i might bring that gameboy pocket with me to work. because it's so tiny and adorable i love it. i think i have triple-A batteries in the car, but i sure don't have 'em in the house LOL. ugh i should just invest in rechargeable batteries for my old battery dependent handhelds tbh. once upon a time my parents bought us some for this exact reason, those old green ones. but i lost em. i start to feel irresponsible remembering this, but then i remind myself that this was like TEN TO TWELVE YEARS AGO LOL and they would be ancient by now.

just kinda tired today and it's okay. my feet are slowly recovering from the hike, and by that i mean the hike immediately followed by work and exacerbated by continued work shifts. and then there's the eleven hour shift coming tomorrow LOL... and a possible trip to carowinds on monday... my feet are never gonna forgive me.
but. short shift tonight. should be a breeze i think. busy enough to make the time go by while not being A SATURDAY. and tomorrow will need... a lot of spoons saved up lol. glad bb will be here. we're gonna chill out hardcore together. he may be getting us some whiskey actually which Kris would fucking adore. i've been jonesing for some whiskey but he has been like ten times harder. too bad the house of leaves won't be around for that haha. <3

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051615

so TWO THINGS to be really excited about.
one, i'm getting over my sickness thank god. just in time. i'm barely coughing/chest phlegm-y and my head feels okay and i'm only kinda tired. i can totally handle work in this condition i think as long as it stays in this condition lol.

and TWO:

BB TOLD ME THAT HE IS TAKING ME TO CAROWINDS FOR MY BIRTHDAY

omg. holy shit y'all. i haven't been to Carowinds since we were like fifteen. we used to go every year but i haven't gone since my dad left. it's been a LONG ASS time and i've missed it so much. and now we live really close so. YAS. bb can get the tickets really cheap through his bank so. 83 i haven't been this excited about birthday plans in quite a few years omg omg omg

and now i'm trying to plan things and gather up sunblock and our bathing suits and figure out how we're gonna budget food and yas. yaaaaas. i have not ridden a rollercoaster in at least five or six years and that is UN. ACCEPTABLE. [i scream like a little bitch on rollercoasters it's great] the last time i went to Carowinds was before they gave up their association with Paramount so like all of the rides had movie related names. now everything has a new different paint job and a different name but Top Gun is always gonna be Top Gun to me and the Borg will forever be the Borg.

i have also GOT. GOT to bring up Hiccup for this it is not optional lol. bb is familiar with Hiccup so he can front openly and yes. yep. YUP it will be my birthday and all but i want him to be with me that day as my present from the System lol. work with me here. [THERE IS A VIKING SHIP RIDE THAT FLIES AND TURNS UPSIDE DOWN u have got to come along dude]

yeah that's about all i'm about to go slave away in Burger Hell for eternity but hopefully it'll go by fast like last night managed to do. but YEAH CAROWINDS IN THREE DAYS YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AND ALSO BIRD SENT ME HER BOX IN THE MAIL FINALLY I THINK SO AAAAHSFSJGDFG I LOVE MY BIRTHDAY im so stoked about birthdays

Entry tags:

050315

wanted to write bc i was poring over some old entries from last summer when Hiccup first showed up. and in the midst of agonizing over how i 'liked my shiny new fictive too much' [l o l who was i back then] i mentioned something offhand about how he "feels like a new incarnation of a very old inner archetype, one that isn't around much anymore."

and i look at that and something just clicks and i look down inwardly at the oversized stone watermelon seed in my hand and just go

oh.

we're gonna have to do an amount of soul searching, pressing the piece into every open space to see where it clicks, but i think we might have found the shape of it at least. this might have to do with how much trouble he's had with anchoring and fronting and knowing himself. it's like he's become irrelevant and would normally demanifest, but headspace isn't letting him. he is still relevant. just not in the role he had when he first showed up. that role has evaporated BUT HE STILL HAS ONE. as is made obvious by him still being here. still here, and so solid that Trolley gave him a very physical tangible core for us to hold as proof. maybe that's really why she did it. i dunno. but... yeah. i dunno if that means he would be of the Bloodline, or just fill a very vital old niche that hasn't been filled in a while due to mental stuff... idk what this means but it feels very important.

on that note i am suspecting that Trolley "converting" Hiccup that way, making him core-based, is just another way of him 'going native', being more like the rest of us. a lot of us have cores like that. more than i expected. possibly even me. actually that is extremely likely tbh. my core would be my heart obviously because that's me, that's all of the Bloodline. [the Core bloodline which really really needs a less confusing name lmao. the hosts. the main fronter niche fillers. me myself and i.]

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042615

what was today? idk. it went by super quickly. woke up, after a few hours bb went off to a friend's house for a birthday party. i sat down and did some art, it was good. a few pieces but they were important ones. went out for a little walk to get a bite to eat, it was unexpectedly cold out. overcast and grey. on the walk back home the Toy Soldier came and went, dressed not in his usual blue and black and white, but in the uniform of a Cadet. alrighty then.
and a bit later on Hiccup woke up, saw the clouds and planes and such and suddenly dropped into front. didn't seem like he meant to, just did, and walked the rest of the way home. watched a plane taking off and climbing until it plunged through the cloud layer, watched a crow dive and dodge through cars to grab whatever it saw in the road. felt the cold wind blow and felt happy to be in a living body again. but then, in the pit of our gut he felt a solid weight. the stone. the core, his core. that strange seedlike thing, it was inside him still. this wasn't unexpected, but Hiccup seemed surprised and a little bit solemn even. holding his hand to our gut like it was physically there inside our body.

soon as we got home heard the skype tone. perfect timing. talked to Bird for a while. their move will be coming up very soon, this week is gonna be a little stressful i'm afraid. but worth it.

last night was. fff. what do i say? it shook me. such a small simple thing shook me to my core. open displays of affection are somewhat sparse, but when they come they are... extremely well-aimed. and always slay me. with me. she said she's with me. turned that over in my head for hours even after i stopped trembling from having read it. tried to not let my mind run away with it too much... hahah. but. ugh. even when i woke up i was still thinking about it. and what exactly it meant. two creatures walking side by side, she said. i love her and i love the power she has to make me feel things.

got a little bummed out later because i guess i get weirdly shut off on more real-time conversations like skype or over the phone? i don't think it's just me, but... i don't like it. want to be open the same as i normally am. it feels good. it's scary but feels really nice. gotta stay open and not shrink into myself at all. there's no reason to do that.

it's raining again. lots and lots of rain this spring. what i want is a big thunderstorm tbh. can't wait for a day off even though Tuesday will be spent largely doing car stuff if all goes as planned.

mmm. i dunno. one minute feeling a little anxious and not the best, the next just feeling sappy and romantic trash hahah. just gonna hold onto that. it seems my ability to brood endlessly over romantic things is inexhaustible. i'm ok with this.

wanna take a shower bc i didn't take one yesterday but THERE'S A TINY BIRD SLEEPING ON ME HELP i can't disturb him ;_;

edit: OH YEAH AND LOL last night got into work SO fucking tired and not feeling it and starting to feel kinda panicky and.... they didn't even need me. i wandered around for half an hour and did basically nothing. they had no need for me there at all i was just taking up space and on the clock for no reason, i could have been sleeping. and eventually i got SO MAD about this that i stormed through the store and got ALL the third shift work done that needed doing, or like at least 75% of it, in an hour before they finally needed to put me in a spot. so THEN what followed turned out to be the smoothest saturday i have ever had without Legit Manager working. and mostly because of me being angry about my stupid work shift and getting all the necessary stuff done early LMAO. and also helping my mental state tremendously were bb and Bird, who were sending me cute pictures of animals and giving me really wonderful sage advice, respectively. i love my people -v-

Entry tags:

hiccup

042515

im soooo tiiiiired. fuck. dunno why maybe just anticipating work whooping my ass tonight. ugh. trying to sleep but can't because that will just make work come sooner and i rly rly don't want that so i'm just laying here listlessly and full of anxiety and that's so dumB

bird home again and im so glad always, just makes the world feel fundamentally more right when she's around to talk even a little. even offhand at work. hopefully we can do what we didn't get to after last camping trip and have proper skype talk tomorrow or something so i can hear a million desert stories. ye. i wanna go there when it rains.

i wanna talk about how hiccup is apparently core based now l o l but. too tired. dunno where to start other than it's comforting to me, a clear sign that he's making progress, healing from whatever happened or is happening.

roommate just got loud and... i think someone he knew unexpectedly died. what. shit. im scared to go in there and find out whats up but. fuck. D:??? guess i will find out soon

god im tired as hell. i hope work will somehow perk me up a bit. me and bb went to get donuts and ice cream because it was a special occasion, only it's sad becuse the special occasion was... US BOTH BEING HOME AT THE SAME TIME AND SEEING EACH OTHER FOR MORE THAN AN HOUR PER DAY... im sick of this. this week should be less of that though thank goodness. i need him to help me with my car stuff i can't do it alone.

idk gonna curl up and watch su episodes because they make me feel like the world is a good place and people are good beings and i need to remember that feeling

Entry tags:

slipping stuff

also feel like i should try to Say A Thing about what's up with hiccup lately. he's def slipping a lot. which is weird because he was one of THE most strongly anchored people for a while that i was aware of. and the one who was most aware OF this anchor, the one who really made me conscious of it as a phenomenon. feeling him consciously reaching down to tap into it made me see it for what it is.

it's been a while since we did much stuff together because like... he's not sure who he is right now. i mean he knows he's Hiccup and the source material he's from, he recognizes everyone. but he like, can't quite get in touch with his feelings for them. aside from Toothless because honestly they are quite literally part of one another, if he didn't recognize him then we'd really be in trouble. and he can't get in touch with his feelings for me, either, although he is conscious that they SHOULD be there. it's almost like he's going back to where he was when he first manifested, when he was only semi-lucid and didn't really understand what was going on.

and like. that makes me scared that he's demanifesting. but Trolley is firm about it, saying no, he's not. she just tells me that he's changing and describes to me how a larva loses itself, its shape, when inside a chrysalis. i suppose so. [but i always kinda hated that analogy tbh. like why is a moth considered so much more beautiful and somehow worth more than a caterpillar? they're both so beautiful, it's just different stages in their life? idk maybe i just misinterpret it]

he comes out sometimes, but often it's... "glitchy?" he fades in and out by the second, he loses himself mid-fronting and isn't sure who he is or what "being Hiccup" feels like. it's a fuckin weird feeling. i guess it's almost like dissociation but not quite. and it's so not like him to doubt himself jesus, it's freaky and neither of us likes it :< i can't wait for him to get back to himself again. i have faith that it'll happen. Trolley seems confident too but honestly who knows what's going on in her head lol

it's not that he loses his memory, exactly, but like. he just. blurs around the edges. his voice is less clear, he's harder for me to see in headspace. i've become SO GOOD at seeing MYSELF, which used to be so hard, and now it's like he's got the same problem i had. ;_; it's fucked up man.

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041215

IDK woke up and House of Leaves' Hiccup was there texting us which was unusual so like :o and for a few hours tried really hard to get our Hiccup to front properly with... i guess some success? Better than none? watched part of his source and then went to the park and driving helps him more than most things, but silly me, sitting around in nature isn't his thing as much as it is mine. idk. i don't wanna think about it anymore because it's got me feeling rly weird eh

so the park was nice but too many PEOPLE. go away. i just wanna be alone in nature but here in the city that isn't really possible most of the time. and today that kinda got under my skin. bleh. bird was out in the middle of nowhere looking at cave art and shit, no one for fucking miles or at least the people who were out there prob wouldn't bother you. and i was nestled in the roots of a big tree with frisbees going over my head.

ehh. idk. feel weird about everything. one of those days where i feel kinda aimless and everything bugs me. played some more tetris 2 and it was nice but i still just feel weird. "idk" is just like my main emotion right now. except that typical depressive "oh god only X number of hours left until work" feeling. that i used to get every single day and now is just sometimes. thank goodness.

WHAT DO I EVEN WANNA DO nothing. and yet lots of things. but nothing also. my roommates made a cake with like... bacon flavored topping and that sounds disgusting but i'm totally gonna try it.

Entry tags:

///

feel like i should make a more detailed lj post about my day idk

DID MY TAXES. and even tho i had to pay $100 for being too poor to afford insurance when i was told i wouldn't have to... my refund is still huge. bigger than any year previous omg. omg. and even though i can't find my direct deposit info because of moving and so i have to wait for it to come in the mail... STILL STOKED. gonna be a real help.

bb just left after we did our taxes together, bc he forgot the zucchini for the roasted veggies and the zucchini is by far the best and most important part. so.

idk. what am i feeling like today. i'm about to take a shower. children are yelling outside. i'm sitting on the futon in the living room and typing away. Murphy was curled up asleep next to me until just a minute ago. i have to leave for work entirely too early today and i woke up late [because bb was gone and no Bird to text me awake so tbh no reason to get up early] so i feel pressed for time even though i don't have anything else to do today besides taxes.

feeling kinda... ehh. idk. can't get her off my mind. but i mean... that's nothing new. i'm not broken up about her not being around but it feels fundamentally Wrong. part of my life just missing right now. like i'm poking with my tongue every five minutes at a hole where a tooth should be. it's ok. i'm halfway through as of tonight. it's gone by fast. i never did get the goodbye text and that niggles at my brain, my paranoia trying to convince me something happened but i know nothing happened and it's fine.

just not feeling much of anything rn tbh? which i guess rings some small alarm bells for depression but i pretty much always have depressive tendencies so... that's unsurprising. idk. don't have money or time to get out and do anything fun today really. but yet i was still productive and that's good.

played more puzzle league. beat normal mode and then hard mode 1p campaign hell yeah. notably on hard mode i beat Sabrina in TWELVE SECONDS LOLOL. didn't even mean to, it just went that way and it was great. and then later Bruno stomped me TWICE before i was able to beat him. so i had to use continues but still.

jesus christ those children are screaming at the tops of their lungs why don't they play somewhere besides the stairwell >_<

idk. just been a day. just trying to get through the weekend as fast as possible. i wanted this weekend to be full of ~adventure~ but somehow didn't consider that i'm broke as fuck because of poor decision making this last week :| so.... yeah. but i'll find something to do. still reallllly really wanna take that trip to Huntersville at the first opportunity and go see the raptor center with Hiccup and the witchy shop.

shit i was going to go to the post office today, just remembered and now it's too late >:/

speaking of Hiccup, it seems like his little trip out into the wilderness of headspace resulted in some... issues with us syncing up like we did before? like it's harder for me to sense him now, it's like it's back to where it was a while ago. harder for him to front or for me to stay tuned in and hear him consistently. it's kinda upsetting but i mean, what's done is done and all we can do is work on it. i don't emotionally feel like it hurt my trust or anything like that. not at all. but idk. i guess we have to build the bond back up some to where it was. idk, i've never done this kind of thing before so i don't really have an understanding. he's been back about as long as he was gone and it's not back to normal and that... doesn't seem right. idk. we'll try to work on it i guess.

idk. don't feel great or bad about this day. just kinda doing my thing. was productive, did something important and that's good. hard to hear headspace or feel them nearby right now but... it'll pass. things will be back to normal soon enough.

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031815

IVE BEEN AWAKE SINCE EIGHT AM wtf. days off mean weird ass sleep schedules. exacerbated by taking a nap yesterday for a couple hours :v

thoughts in list form!:
- i got more drunk than anticipated last night LOL. but it was alright. like i said on twitter i'm blessed with the gift of, most of the time, being a pretty graceful drinker. bb on the other hand got absolutely rip roaring drunk lmfao. and woke up with a hangover and he works two shifts today. WELLP. :V i laughed at him a little and then gave him some advil, because i'm horrible but not THAT horrible. i had a good time. good way to celebrate without the madness that would have been irish pubs yesterday. and drunk skype with Poe is ALWAYS A GOOD TIME god i love it. sometime i will not be the one who is considerably drunker but last night i remember distinctly that my eyes were not working in sync lmfao.
- my roommates are having some kinda... idk?? argument or heated discussion?? and I'M RLY NERVOUS ABOUT IT WEGH. i'm gonna assume everything is ok but lakjsdlksjfsdf it makes me really unsettled and ;_; i might leave the house and go find something to do. i kinda want to check out that Last Place On Earth store, it's like a standalone pet store and those are always more fun than chains hell yeah. and they even have pet supermarket around here so i don't have to shop petsmart yas.
- hiccup is gone as HELL. before i took my nap yesterday i felt him nearby but flying, wheeling above. since i've woken up i have barely sensed him at all. today nothing. it's kinda nervous making but i'm ok. bird suggests i find someone else but i'm just like. i don't want someone else i want HIM lol. but that's not the way to be. u gotta hang out with all ur headpeople not just one of them. so i'm gonna go hang out somewhere and try to dig up Kyo, bring her up here to hang with. i need someone who's easy to get along with rn i think. and she will just stand around and be amazed at everything and talk about humans and nature and science forever and that feels good 2 my soul.

and roommates [who i assume have chilled out??? idk what happened] want me to drive them to look at cars SO it's time to get dressed and go. and send out a call for Kyo to come keep me company up here. ya. this is a new way of life for me in total, inside and out. and tbh i'm happy as hell lately and it's WEIRD AND NICE

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031715

haha what do i even write? more sappy shit bc today that's how i'm feelin'. fell asleep at 6 and slept until the sun went down. had a crazy long dream about driving to weird places with bb, sometimes in one car and sometimes in our separate cars, at some point we got underneath a big rig and had to maneuver our way out without getting killed???? idk but

when we finally arrived at wherever it was, some kinda restaurant... Bird was there. with some friends. and i'm not sure if i knew she'd be there or not but it started out real casual and then i realized that we hadn't ever met in the flesh before. and then shit got really snuggly. in the dream i was shorter than her although irl i think i am just a little bit taller. she would stand behind me with her arms around me and her chin rested right on top of my head. and it was nice. and her hair was rly soft and smelled so nice and it was just. ugh.
and i woke up like ohhhh fuck. i'm screwed. laying there alone in the bed with all my clothes on wanting nothing more than to touch someone far away. and it was not an unfamiliar feeling at all. ten years ago this exact thing was happening to me, except now i'm a lot older and wiser about relationships and it's way healthier. [oops. did i just call this a relationship? is it a relationship? like in That Way? i don't know. i shouldn't say for sure haha.] but like... the irony is killin' me. it was exactly ten years ago that this happened the first time. and i'm not comparing the two events really except for timing and the fact they're both long distance [and like... the same distance... tucson vs salt lake basically... wtf] but... wow. ya.

and part of me feels like "didn't i learn last time? why'd i let myself go this far again?" as if it's a mistake. as if last time was a mistake. Dale and i are still great friends and i love him dearly. our relationship was kind of... intense and not incredibly healthy but i learned from it, we both did, and it was alright. we were young'ns who both came from a family whose only knowledge of love was pretty toxic. i'm pretty proud of how much i've taught myself over the years about how love really works. what's healthy and what's poisonous. so many people never get that chance.

the great thing about love is that you'll always kinda have that little spark. what happened between dale and i lasted all of two years and then was over, and we had a little rough patch at times but i still look towards him with soft eyes, tbh. would i ever date him again, probably not, and that's fine. but if we ever do meet up, i feel like it would be a shame not to kiss him one good time HAHA. how many times did i want more than anything and never got to as a teenager?

idk man. feelz. i love this year so much thus far and it's only a quarter of the way through. the best is yet to come.

in non sappy updates we finally got groceries for the first time yooo. my bank account is pissed off at me bc i haven't been very kind to it this week. >_>' but... i have roughly half the plane ticket fees saved up... hopefully that can stay that way and the car inspection and stuff won't totally kill that lmao. and it's saint Patrick's day [yooo my middle name~] so we went and got some honey whiskey. FINALLY I HAVE HONEY WHISKEY AGAIN yeeeesss. my favorite liquor of all time i think. god i love that shit. it's Bushmills which... i really prefer Jack but i mean. we had to get the irish one. salute to my irish roots. [i have German and English and Cherokee roots as well among others but... ya know.] so i'm gonna drink a little bit, not overmuch. and probably get EVEN SAPPIER. i'm ok with this. and YOU KNOW WHAT'S RLY SPECIAL? i'm also pretty sure Bird is ok with this. do you know what a huge step that is for me to not tell myself no one wants to hear about my feelings, that they are too heavy or too scary or inappropriate? that they don't feel the same and don't want to know that i do in the first place? not telling myself, if someone doesn't respond immediately to something i said, that it was offensive and weird and gross and stupid and they're reconsidering their choice to hang around me??? THAT'S A P BIG DEAL Y'ALL. <3

also help me she calls me Ollie people are actually calling me Ollie as a real name for me and i love it so much abloobloobloo ;www;

and in inner news... hiccup has wandered off a little bit. been feeling him pulling away. not because he doesn't want to be around me, the opposite in fact. like he wasn't letting himself go and travel and wander. he NEEDS to. he needs space and time to fly. i don't want him to feel nailed down. i didn't really want to be up here without him after so long, but... i can't lie to myself. i know i'm strong enough now. before i fell asleep i felt him wheeling high above, now i don't feel him anywhere around. i wonder how long he'll be out there. but i know if i called him he'd immediately come to me, and that's a comfort. i'll be fine. i hope he knows that. i think he does. i think i do too. <3

Entry tags:

031115

yesterday was kind of a weird anxiety day but then it got rly better because i went to QT with my roommate and had good talks and ate A WHITE CHOCOLATE KIT KAT YOOO and a hot dog. like wow i actually wanted and ate and enjoyed a hot dog wtf. and then i drank half of a GIANT FROZEN CAPPUCCINO but turned out, it actually contained caffeine. fuck. so i like almost killed myself with caffeine and only got halfway through LOL. and THEN... had a couple glasses of mead and tipsy skyped with Poe until the wee hours and had a fucking great conversation and im cry it was so good. such good talks. im letting people see my squishy parts and they seem to actually like them and oh my god.

i waited til later to finish this so HERE HAS BEEN MY DAY:

- goin 2 ikea with bb, picking out a couple small bookshelves [and a light fixture for the tv stand that will make all of my game consoles LIGHT UP RLY PRETTY HOPEFULLY OMG], then turned out that we could only fit one of them at at time in his car LOL!!! so i had to stay behind and chill out at ikea for like 45 minutes while he drove home and then came back. but it worked out in the end. i built them both almost entirely myself, in like an hour and a half. hell yeah. that was actually super easy once i figured out the logic, i always heard ikea instructions and building were so hard. maybe i picked an easy first one.
- then watching more jay baruchel movies on netflix LOL while stocking bookshelves. i'm tired as hecke now but at least it's pretty much done. now i just gotta.... put... everything else away l o l. httyd 2 is just kinda... on netflix now how about that. IN PREPARATION FOR THE NEW SEASON OF RIDERS OF BERK OR W/E. i'm gonna watch it but it probably won't be... that good... :v the animation is always kinda disappointing. i mean it's just a tv show but after watching the FUCKING AMAZING animation of the movies it's kind of a letdown.
- now i gotta like.. find places to PUT EVERY SINGLE THING LOL. and also like, get an altar space opened up, and shove what i can't find places for into the closet, etc. but for now just taking a breather. finishing that coffee shit i bought yesterday lol. its good. good day. i wish my only two days off in the week weren't in a row but... w/e i guess. at least i HAVE two.

OH UM... ALSO... LIKE... bb is sleeping somewhere else tonight so like hiccup and me have the bedroom all to ourselves the whole night... omg... im scared rooooflll. like i'm excited for the private time but i'm also scared.

WHAT THE HELL this thing says post too large??? since when has THAT been a thing. i'll just post the survey that was on here on a different entry wtf

Entry tags:

030915

HEY SUP

i'm feeling really good rn because i went on an inadvertent sorta hike through the PARK TODAY and it turned out to be a really huge and nice park in a pine forest with TWO big ponds and water flow and yes. very nice. nicer than i expected. and i was really tired at the end but man it's good to have a place to walk in the woods. there's places out there i wouldn't believe i was in the middle of Charlotte, i'd think i was transported back into union county's backwoods nowhere, if there weren't low flying planes going overhead every few minutes. [which doesn't bother me, it just makes hiccup REALLY EXCITED EVERY SINGLE TIME LOL. maybe he'll get used to it eventually. maybe.]

hiccup was also excited by DOGS. the dog park. DOGS EVERYWHERE. so many happy excited playing running dogs oh my god. he was vibrating wanting to go in there and play and wrestle with them all. if only we had... any kind of availability in our life i'd get that boy a dog. but we couldn't possibly care for one well enough rn. sorry bro. :< but i'm sure they will all kiss you and play with you!!

PHEW YEAH that's p much been it, talked to Bird and also Tulia today and it was lovely and yes. i love talking to them all so much aaaahhhhhHH

oh also while out walking i actually had Trolley come up and speak to me. that was crazy. you FEEL her words more than hear them. her presence felt like roots growing out through my fingertips into the earth as she spoke to me of the depth of time and how there was something here before anything, even the pond, whether it was human made or not, it didn't matter. something had always been there before. long before. and i felt the vines crawling over my back and the roots shooting out of my hands as she spoke, softly, directly into my soul.

oh and when i first woke up i felt kinda like shit but then i decided to like JUST CALL UP BIRD ON THE PHONE??? when was the last time i called someone for pleasure just to talk to them??? it's probably been like eight years or more what the fuck. i never do that rofl. phone calls give me such anxiety but i decided to do it anyway and yeah my heart was pounding like always when the phone rings but i... like.. felt good. it felt natural and not awkward. and we talked and laughed and discussed plans for like 45 minutes and when i hung up [because bb had made me his omelet] it felt like the right amount of time, not cut short or drawn out too long, and i actually didn't feel drained. what. what is even happening to me this year omg.

yeah so i'm gonna make myself a gigantic bowl of cereal because I'M ACTUALLY REALY TRULY AN ADULT LEGIT I'M ON A LEASE AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT WHOOP ITS A GOOD DAY

Entry tags:

030115

went and did the first bit of moving today!! and we got our house keys!! :D man. it's actually happening. i can hardly believe it. we moved a total of i think 7 boxes, most or all of which were books, and one big trash bag of plushu. and JUST THAT was almost all i could handle rofl. my lower back and legs are really tired and i gotta go to work in an hour or so rip.

today and/or yesterday was Hiccup's birthday and we DID LIKE NOTHING TO CELEBRATE IT LOL i'm so sorry. i'm the worst.... boyfriend? [stil have no fucking clue what to call us LOL] if we weren't moving this week/weekend i would ABSOLUTELY have taken him up to Concord for repticon ugh. i woulda found a way.

tomorrow will be getting the car fixed up some [even if i have to take it to friggin jiffy lube] and probably buying tarp and bungee cords because it's gonna rain like all week. of course. naturally. [BUT I'M SOOOOO NOT COMPLAINING THIS IS THE HERALD OF SPRING. yes. please bring warms with you rainy weather]

been feeling someone close that we haven't seen in like... years. Anton. i think it's the church, the huge [baptist?] church near my new apartment. it's big and looming and kinda ominous and every time i see the big spike piercing the sky as we drive up, i feel him nearby. and i see it, in my mind's eye, aflame. i see it burning every time i pass it. you need to stop that boy. stop talking about burning churches and tell me what happened. [hopefully what happened was not burning churches or i MAY have to punch you.]

idk im sleep IM SO SLEEP.

oh god Bird told me she dreamed about the Toy Soldier last night and fuuuuuuuuuuuck. she's been doing lots of stuff with drums and of COURSE he would come running. what the fuck. said she never saw him in the dream, just felt eyes on her and knew whose they were and that's EXACTLY how it goes most of the time. was in a restaurant today and mid sentence felt his presence and stopped and listened. because that's what you do. he shows himself and you wait to hear what is being said.
this after he starts giving HICCUP the same looks he gives to me. he gave us his blessing that one morning, and then started... touching other people besides me. what. i never thought this would be said but i think he might actually 'ride' Hiccup given the right opportunity. i thought he was just 'for' me, just my ghost, but i guess.... he's considering hiccup a part of me now in some way. important enough to my life to gain his attention. and now outsiders too? aslkdjlkjdflkjsf what is HAPPENING to my headspace. so much growth so quickly. i love this.

so tonight is like the last normal night and day before The Move. the last time i will drive to work, come home and sleep and then wake up and go about my day before going back to work again. yep. after that it all gets thrown into turmoil for a bit.

i'm ready.

we're ready.

Entry tags:

protect Shearwater at all costs

Something is breathing in the air

Something is moving in the water

And the winds in you are blowing

Bring back my boy

I loved him

Little flakes of snow

On the roads and the fences

My head is a flame

My body’s distant

And I am fading out

I can tell it all in time

I’ll go down in a flame

And wheel in the air like a swallow

Diving

------

I came to love spaces inside of me

The winds that blow

The leaves of the almond trees

That would grow by the road

Brushed with light and with snow

And I would ride as far as it goes

Oh, joy of mine, swelling inside of me

I feel your eyes, hands as they form in me

I said it once, said it twice

While you live, when you die

You are free again

You are free

------

His little hook, your little eyelid

The iris dilates while the heart implodes

And when he comes in your dreaming

His mouth still denies

What your heart just knows

Oh no

Nobody would ever have known

No light in the dark would have shown

How you would reply

------

My only boy, be not so blind.

Open your eyelids wide.

In through your mouth, breathe soft, light…

There are no words, no hands, no eyes,

that show where a door stands wide.

In through your mouth, breathe soft, light…

And your heart stands open,

when silence trickles down, bright,

and softly, slowly surrounds

your little ghost town

------

And we march in our rows and rows

Under a burning hand

Past the scars of the wounded land

Into a country of thorns and spines

Wild and unbroken

------

So then he rose, and he rubbed his eyes

Crawled through a hole in a lake of ice

Just to show you all the way

Though the queen has died

She has multiplied

------

If you could ring the sky like a bell

Even such a sound would never suffice

If you could bang the world like a drum

It would only show it was hollow inside

------

Hey, little birdie, catching my eye

Sing little sweet things into this mind

And tug at my darker side

------

In place of the sun

In place of the moon

A terrible light

Will flood every room

And bathed in this light

We will swim again

------

Took me out on the tide

to make pearls of my eyes

and uncover me, oh.

Tore every stitch, every line,

every hook, every eye

------

A wind that lifts the leaves against the night

The reeds that bow and bend beneath its weight

The holy sap, its smoky light

I will not hide

The fish that swim inside the murky deep

The island shores that loom above the sea

The holy, holy melody

Will bring them all to me

------

Daddy, come back to me now

I would beat them away

I would pull you out

I would have washed

All the cinders from your eyes

And with silver and gold

I would adorn you

Let it all come out tonight

When they pull me out alive

Alive!

------

Oh, the falconer awakes to the sound of the bells.

Overhead, and northbound,

they are leaving his life.

And each empty cage just rings in his heart

like a bell,

underneath these cold stars,

in their trembling light.

And he cries, “Amen, let their kingdom come tonight.

Let this dream be realized.”

------

and the hunter’s cry

is still on the air

as the bullet flies home

but the heart that’s pierced with it

still is racing

still is racing, alone

The silver shoals

of the light in the deep

brush the glittering skein

where the great, dark body writhes

and the trembling jaw

the unfathoming sounds

of leviathan, bound

as his heart, though weakening

still is racing

still is racing, alone

------

On cliffs that tower from the rising seas

their bonfire glow

where a tiger lies

and, cleaning their weapons,

they laugh at his useless

claws, and all:

it is a beautiful night

to be born to this life

and grind his every bone to powder!

------

My winged children, all

will fly over the mountain wall

to the lid of the sky,

and slice its belly full wide

with their warm knives

-not the pin-pricks of starlight-

but to bathe in the bright blood

of the world above!

------

In the forest on the branches and the clotheslines

a fierce little wren singing loud, and high

while his eyes, insisting on their own life,

gave legs to the lie

that there was the world, and time

to grow old in its light

------

Only now would you long

for the ancient boughs,

the moon, overlapping the long white clouds

and the home life of a love

who will never return again

------

“The way is to climb

the way is to lie still

and let the moon do its work on your body

and then to rise

through forests and oceans of lives

and through the way of the black rocks,

splitting, wide,

and flow

ten thousand miles.”

------

And in the dark,

from the sea marbled and moon-blue

into the burning eye of the sun

without feeling

My end was imminent-

Steady your course now, sparrow

but I remembered him-

Fear for your home life, sparrow

------

Galloping into the void,

you are rolling your eyes like a horse,

all to turn from the beam,

from the eye of that screen.

“Turn it off! Turn it off!"

------

and your hands on the balcony

as a spine

pricks the world

and the shudder, deep, is unheard,

but you feel it

oh my god

as the spindle

flies apart

turn your bow to the biggest wave,

but your angel’s on holiday

and that wave rises slowly

and breaks-

------

And over the ocean

winging low

I saw the first wave

and the flares that fall

like fireflies

on the islands

In the boom and swell

from the waves to the heights

reverberations

of our old lives

Like a golden bell

that would ring through the night

and then the front moves

and we raise our eyes

in the silence of the islands

------

Come down from the iron wheel!

Come back from the endless labor!

Look down on the rolling waves

that strike on the crumbling reef

now.

Is what the body becomes

in the bellow aloud

in the crack of the drum

and as the body dies

what is left of the heart

burns white

No light on the western shore

No sign of the ships at anchor

No sound but the roaring winds

No warmth but the life behind the eye

------

In a power dive

in a slow burn

over ancient fields

over islands

from the slope and the rise

of the mainland

unfamiliar shapes

------

My father climbs to the top of the rail

his head above the roaring world

his body burning

his eyes on the waves

and a god below the waterline

------

Effortless gulls in the wake

silver and white on the bow

as the island is broken away

from the world

------

Give us back to our lives

on the waving blue wild

and remove every mark

down to the waterline

and with your arms at your sides

turn homeward.

Entry tags:

022415

snow day. getting dark now. we didn't go out in it but ehh don't really care. maybe should have let Hiccup go play in it but idk our energy was just really low today. and that's ok. we just napped and hung out.

and watched big hero 6 because WE HAVE IT NOW HELL YAS. didn't even have to go out into the snow to get it or even leave my work. called up walmart while at work and talked to the electronics manager, because they always come down the way to eat at our restaurant on their break every night at the same time. so i got him to bring it to me. and it was wonderful. the barcode thing on the movie packaging said #00001 so I assume that means i got the first one in the store LOL! good. yes. it's a very basic cheapo dvd thing but that's fine. we can always upgrade later.

speaking of upgrades: remembered the blu-ray player mom has set aside for us when we move out. and roommates have a big plasma screen tv. i am absolutely fucking getting a blu ray of httyd2 [and probably the first one] sometime soon. wanna see that shit as beautiful hi def as possible. i don't see the need to have blu-ray of everything but that, and Avatar, and planet earth and movies that are purposely RLY PRETTY... yes. possibly bh6 as well.

saw a HERD OF DEER over across the street in the field at Coyote Hollow today. just browsing in broad daylight in the field. totally relaxed. THERE WAS EVEN A TINY LITTLE BABY PRANCING AROUND i was so excited. five or six of them. and i went outside in my flip flops in the snow to get a closer look and a big flock of cormorants flew directly overhead, like 15 of them. you never see cormorants right here, but they were headed for the lake, my lake. the one i'm leaving along with everything else soon. sigh. i hope nature happens like this in the city still. i know there are supposed to be a lot of deer around at least. and there's that big park i get to check out, i hope it's a good one with lots of wilderness and wild hidden places.

so we corralled hiro to watch his source with us. but he wasn't super enthused about it which was kinda disappointing. but really it's not too surprising now that i think about it. the amount of grief he has still and the separation from his previous life really upsets him and i'm sorry i had kinda forgotten. seeing all his friends and himself together was good, nice to remember, but sad also. and red-eyed violent Baymax still gives him sharp anxiety and bad memories. honestly i almost wish i could throw him back into his source world, because what would it be like seeing the beginning of something AMAZING and life changing happen to you only to get snatched out of it and away from your friends forever? [which is... why i'm glad Hiccup came here only after his second source material. and never showed up after the first even though we've been a fan since the beginning.]

hiccup was SO fucking here for the flight scenes though. like, me watching flying is just like YAY FLY YESSSSS. him watching is totally different. he calculates angles and movements in every scene and i often caught him nodding to himself when they would loop or sweep in the right way to get where they wanted to go. dude was BORN to fly, it's nuts. in May when we go to Atlanta he's gonna be shoved in the front to hang out with the falconers like we do every year. yes. i hope they have something rly cool this year. also i'm determined to get to Carowinds this year i haven't fucking been to Carowinds since eighth grade and haven't ridden a rollercoaster at all since 2008. that is so so wrong. and at Carowinds there's this rollercoaster where you lay on your back instead of sit and you FLY. YOU FRIGGIN FLY AND YOU FLY OVER THE WATER AND THAT WAS THE FIRST ONE I EVER RODE and it's the best. amazing. best ride. when Paramount owned the park it was called Borg but now it's called Nighthawk. yes. def gonna do my best to make it this summer. although i kinda suspect Hiccup will make us get on drop zone oh god no. nope. save me. i'm here for flying NOT FALLING STRAIGHT DOWN NO. bird was absolutely right this asshole is such a peregrine save us

so speaking of flying i remembered how stoked Hiro was to discover that dragons exist in headspace. so I TOOK HIS ASS ON A RIDE. yas. me with tiny Hiro on my back and then of course Hiccup followed us. [fictives fucking everywhere that's my life 2k15] Toothless is far better with speed and tricks than me but whatever i wasn't trying to scare the shit out of the poor kid LOL. he had a really good time i think. though he's stepped back off again to wherever he goes but that's alright. i'm glad he's settled in.

now kinda trying to force myself to draw. or write. or something. anything creative yes.

FEELIN KINDA BLEH ON MY DAY OFF IS RLY DUMB BUT I GUESS IT'S BETTER THAN FEELING BLEH AND THEN HAVING TO GO TO WORK WHILE FEELING BLEH???

Entry tags:

022315

Home alone now so I can type about this properly.

just feeling really... amazed at this winter. Winters are never good times for me. I'm a fall person, and summer and spring... pretty much the only time for me that feels suffocating and hard is winter. But this.... this one has been astounding.

I'm finding myself. So weird to say that but in so many ways I am. Since I grew out of Kyo and really realized it back in 2011 ish, realized that she was too much her own being and couldn't be my avatar anymore, I've been struggling. Having no persona, no grasp of what I looked like on the inside. Wore the skins of so many birds, so many animals, nothing stuck. Made so many attempted fursonas but they just became their own characters or faded away for the most part. But I know what I am now.
When I'm human in headspace, I still can't see myself; my image is just a blur of skin color and brown or white hair. I can't get a grasp on what I look like yet, I know that I look similar to the body's face as all Cores typically do, but... I know what my true shape is. I'm dragon. Toyed with this idea so many times and wouldn't... let myself for some reason. Wouldn't let myself just be it, own it. Dragon felt too powerful, but that wasn't the problem; the problem was that I didn't feel worthy to acknowledge that I had power. Felt that it was arrogant and bullheaded to say that I'm a dragon, that I'm powerful and strong, but no. You have to find your own power. Doesn't matter how objectively big you think that power is [read: how you see yourself compared to others]; the important part is that you find it and you know how to access it.

So. I'm dragon. I have scales on my body - copper when it's warm, pales to brass in the winter. Rather birdlike, very birdlike eyes particularly. Reminiscent of a heron in some ways, like the long neck that bends back on itself in flight. My wings are black, long and sweeping and I fly like a vulture, efficiently coasting with relatively few wingbeats. There are two long blackish horns on my head, gently curved and sloping back, with two small horselike ears below them. I also have black feathers on my neck, back and tail that make kind of a mane. I've been working on getting it right down on paper but it's hard. The legs especially are giving me a hard time, they're birdlike and I'm so bad at bird feet.
This shape hasn't left me, hasn't changed, in months. It feels amazing. I've been floating for... so fucking long. Years. And I still shapeshift, still have bird times and coyote times and cat times and other things. I will always be a shapeshifter but I realized that in my heart, I'm a dragon. I... don't have words for how relieved I am. To see this finally settling when I thought it might never settle again. To have a shape to call my own, to be proud of. I hope people in my life think of me when they see a dragon.

I'm... coping. Learning to cope. Letting go. Used to be unable to weather these five day work weeks, and look at me now, here we are on day five and I don't feel a goddamn thing. Bird said that I seem happier and less anxious lately and it's... so true. Hiccup tag teaming makes... infinite amounts of difference. Like a barrier between me and the emotions of the shitty people I encounter during the day. Stuff stresses me out but then it's done and it's gone and over and it's GONE. the next day it's not still with me. most of the time. i'm not scared of things as much anymore. i'm coping and growing and i don't even understand it. except i do. i know exactly why. and so do all of the few people who know me well enough.

and it's important i want to note this isn't some magical person sweeping in to solve all my problems and handle all my life's tough situations for me. no. that's the entire point, he PUSHES me. he was listing silly magnanimous titles for himself, boundary breaker, diplomat, peace maker. jokingly. but it's true. he pushes limits. constantly nudges me out of my comfort zone. making me just uncomfortable and embarassed enough to grow. and so I'm growing so fucking quickly and it's blowing my mind. i don't even know what to think. and this week we're going to make the Big Change, the move, we're leaving this place and going to the city full of opportunity and just. i feel like this year is going to be really really important. it's already important. i'm ready.

And then... all this other stuff happening... ugh. He's giving me A Look haha. I'm still shy, still feeling like a ~wild thing~. But I know it's not true, I've let him on my back so many times that it doesn't even render as strange anymore. I'm tamed, I guess, but I'm still shy to admit it. And he's laughing and placing his hand on my nose Importantly and fuck you <3

Augh. Things I want to say but I don't know. Barriers. But hey the person I want to read these trash subjects the most has an lj now so I can make the trashiest ones of all friends only so :v

Just... ok. I admit that in the past I looked down on people who gushed endlessly about their fictives and seemed like all their headspace and plurality was was just them and a bunch of their favorite characters from recent/popular movies and tv shows and stuff. I judged people and systems like that and it was wrong of me. No matter what I think then and now, it doesn't matter.

And now I'm pretty much karmatically getting my ass whipped for that, because SOMEBODY.... has a habit of coming into a world and utterly changing the shit out of it, for the better. Hiro showed up last night because he felt us thinking about him a lot and just CONJURED A CHAIR TO SIT IN AND WHAT. What. What the hell. That's not how it WORKS. How can people just do this now. Headspace is fundamentally changing, the rules are changing again. Again just when I thought I'd got it sorted out, something deep down shifted like a tectonic plate.

and i was thinking on the ride home from lunch today that maybe this is what i always needed. someone inside whose feelings i couldn't doubt, whose words were immune to being twisted by my darkness into weapons to use against myself. i can't tell myself he's sick of me, can't tell myself i'm talking too much and he wants me to leave him alone, or that i'm too clingy or any of the other garbage of which it likes to convince me. because i can sense the truth of the matter. i can sense his heart at all times. and vice versa. that's the nature of our relationship. i'm vehemently opposed to the concept of "other halves" or someone showing up to complete you and that's not what this is. but. maybe Dale was right with the 'perfect sync' idea.

When Hiccup first became evident, before I even met him before he was even remotely lucid, we noticed changes. Animals behaving differently. Like a small earthquake that they could sense before we did. That's what he's basically been, a force of nature that's shaken up everything and just up and changed all the rules. And I hate you I love you for that, endlessly. Ugh. I'm garbage put me in the dump.

Entry tags:

021515

sleeeeeepy. didn't get quite enough sleep last night and by the time it caught up with me it was too late for naps.

been alone most of the evening, bb went up to Greensboro to hang out with his friends. better tonight than any later, because it's supposed to start snowing or freezing rain or something tomorrow evening. which means i get to drive in it at least one night, blugh. did i mention i hate driving in snow or ice?? at least they seem to be better prepared this year than last year.

IM SO SILLY im crushing on everyone who is important to me ahhh god my life. my life. it's a good problem to have tho. feels good, my social life is not stagnant, for once i'm interacting with people on a daily basis both inside and out and that feels rly good.

eehhh idk, i wanted to say stuff but now can't really remember. haven't done shit today LOL just dicked around. made pizza rolls and we watched some HTTYD tv show stuff. hiccup does remember the events of gift of the night fury but so far little to nothing of any of the tv show we've seen thus far. i'm not all that interested in watching every bit of the tv show, but it's entertaining enough i guess. none of it seems to give our Hiccup any recognition, so. shrugs.

i'm still consistently dragon shape and it's nice. like EVEN THE SAME SHAPE DRAGON. crazy. sometimes my scales look a lot more brass than copper but hey i can't complain. brass is also v important and it's a copper alloy, so, yeah.

still in love with Shearwater and their music. still baffled at the amount of vast headworld importance in their songs. last night the song Lost Boys wouldn't leave my head.

My blistered feet turn bloody,
and so I take to the air -
I am everywhere -
I am starlight
I am moonlight

Over burning fields and bodies
I stay close to the ground
Slipping miles from the arches and arc-lights
Into the warm night

... Winged children all
Will fly over the mountain wall
To the lid of the sky,
Slice its belly full wide
With their warm knives!
Not the pinpricks of starlight
But to bathe in the bright blood
of the world,
of the world above!

such a fucking Dragon song. but almost... harsh, mad, violent, in a way that Dragon shape isn't for me the vast majority of the time. makes me think of a dark, ruthless Dragon king with an army or huge family at his command. almost reminds me of Smaug, or of Bird's dragon shape in its cruel sound. but... no. i know who it is, and it rocked me when i realized: it's Gabe. that's fucking Gabe, the gold. i need to talk a lot more about him. maybe i can even find him out there and meet him on friendly terms. which won't be easy, he's not the most... nice person. dragon. thing. eyes Hiccup worriedly.

eh. time to get dressed and go. not feeling it tonight honestly. but at least i get off early tonight and can go home. it's just so fucking cold...

Entry tags:

021415

WHY AM I SO FULL OF ANXIETY TONIGHT LOL. just one of those nights. need to just go with it, it will pass.

it's been a nice day. about to head to work and i'm sure it'll be busy but i'm getting so damn good at coping with Hiccup here man, it's crazy. getting to where nothing touches me. or if it does it's just in the moment and doesn't stick with me the next day like it used to.

wrote a thing in my private journal trying to detail as best i can the history of what's happened with Hiccup since late June when he first became evident. it's been a RLY INTERESTING RIDE LOL. but somehow i didn't feel like i got all of it out so. im still talking about it lol.

actually gonna go out to my car and get my ipod and slam that shit full of Shearwater music. THEN talk about it lmao

seriously i dunno if my blood pressure is up or what but i just feel rly nervous for absolutely no reason. my brain is silly.

SO ANYWAY. stayed up rly late last night although i didn't mean to bc Bird showed up after i figured she had gone to sleep lol. was out and about late into the night.
and at some point i went into the bathroom and was looking at my face in the mirror and heard from beside/behind me, "Ollie... you're really... cute."
and i fucking just
there is no emoticon that will describe the fucking face that i made LOL just like. rly? RLY. WHO JUST CASUALLY SAYS THAT when we're already in this situation. and his face went from normal smiley face to blushing his fucking freckles off because REALLY I THINK HE JUST MEANT THAT THE BODY'S FACE WAS A CUTE FACE. [altho me being a Core the body's face is basically exactly the same as mine more or less] but just. LOL. WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THIS ALREADY WEIRD SITUATION EVEN WORSE. we are fucked 2k15

so i drew a comic about it and showed Bird and Poe and just. omg. they both need to shut their stupid faces. they ship it SO HARD. and then i pointed out that the two of them constantly point out how much like them WE are, hiccup and I, and that it seemed to me like they were vicariously living out... things... through us. ehehe. i won't be too explicit here since it's public but w/e IT'S REALLY CUTE AND BECAME EVEN MORE CUTE WHEN THEY BOTH JUST KINDA SPLUTTERED AND WERE LIKE "WAIT WHAT NO" ahahahaa <3 <3
and the night just ended with Hiccup and i just looking at each other like 'fuck. this is kinda happening isn't it. no small talk left to hide behind. NOW WHAT.' and Bird & Poe sent us a text just before sleeping saying that they were sleeping out together and i just. :3c i ship it too. and THE ONLY REASON THEY WERE BEING SO CUTE IS BECAUSE OF US OMG us getting closer is drawing them closer too i think and i'm happy about that. yes.

and LOL LOOK AT ME POSTING THIS STUFF PUBLICLY i'm so paranoid about this whole fucking thing. but like forcing myself to be open about it a little bit. and every time i get anxious about like LOL DEVELOPING ~FEELINGS~ FOR PEOPLE IN MY HEAD AND OUTSPACERS AT THAT he makes these dumb goofy faces at me. like oh noooo a fictive HOW SCARY RUN AWAY

i dunno man. i dunno. we just make a really good team. and now these DUMB FEELINGS WON'T GO AWAY and we just get closer all the time. and just laid in bed last night feeling my heart beating and feeling him beside me in headspace. always there. always a word away even if he travels far.

"Charging down the maw of the ocean
I want to come close, I want to come closer
I held your name inside my mouth
Through all the days out wandering

But called up from the mouth of oblivion
Cast away like a dog from the shelter
I shed the dulling armor plates
that once collected radiance

And surging at the blood's perimeter,
the half-remembered wild interior
of an animal life"

Entry tags:

another day 021115

just had a shower and feels good man.

been a very chill day. now that we have the lease signed [i have the parking pass for my car in my wallet!! guess I'd better stick it on there soon :D] there's SO much less stress. less tension in the home, they know we're getting the fuck out of their hair now for sure, so they're waiting much more patiently.

Hiccup's by my side as usual. last night i had him watch Avatar [James Cameron's, not airbender], and he liked it even more than I expected. i hadn't seen it in years so I kinda forgot about the disabled protagonist thing, hah. he dug that. [he's really strongly compassionate about disabled folks, which I guess makes sense although he doesn't see himself as 'disabled' AT ALL but i mean. 1.5 legs. so lol] and i also forgot about the Thanator and its weirdly strong resemblance to a giant, satanic night fury. [like it even has the 4-6 erectile ear plates on the head???] so yeah he was really into that. and oh my god the ikran. last night was the first time I ever saw tears in his eyes. the first flight scene got him, when he realized that the bond between na'vi and ikran was physical and what that meant... the idea of physically feeling the wind in his wings really struck home. i could take him on a rollercoaster, ride on a horse at full speed, even fly in a little open-cockpit plane again... i can't give him that feeling. wish i could.

we MEANT to stay up really late and watch his source material a little later on, but i made the mac and cheese and then just fell asleep LOL. so we watched it today instead. i still can't believe how good that fucking movie is, like what the hell. it's a sequel, a DREAMWORKS sequel, and it's that good?! they'll never be able to make shit sequels again now that they've proven they know better lolol. also i noticed that the DVD case says trilogy, so i assume the next movie whenever it comes out, maybe 2019?? will be the last one. i hope so. i'm ready for just one more.

so i'm kinda thinking of... growing my hair out a little bit. hah! after shaving it so closely for seven years! i won't deny that there's no influence from certain nerds going on :v not that i could ever get that glorious animated artful tousle going on in real life. but also i think maybe it'll let me pass as male more easily. nothing long, just maybe have a mop of hair to ruffle instead of always shaved. i dunno, it may not last at all, i get so frustrated when it grows out past a certain length lol. maybe if i really really keep on top of washing it it will be less annoying. we'll just see what happens.

Need to do my taxes here soon so the refund comes in by moving time! I'm doing pretty well on money all things considering, but once all's said and done I'll probably be pretty broke again haha -_- but still! I have the funds to get done what needs done, I think! hopefully! :B gonna get stuff done on my car, gonna get a couple things from ikea probably, get some supplies for Murphy... yup.

the other night at work a car pulled into the drive thru window, and the passenger had one freshly bandaged leg propped up on the dash. and there was, quite clearly, no foot on the end of that leg. and i felt Hiccup take a little breath and heard a soft noise beside me. there was a silent, sort of sad but sort of amused "welcome to the club" in the guy's general direction.

kinda toying with the idea of binding for work tonight. it might work. we'll see. wednesdays are always a bit of a wild card, could be busy or could be slow, idk. Hiccup will be with me to prevent panic attacks that often happen when i bind and the damn thing starts riding up on me [because once it starts it doesn't stop and the pressure from the rolling up has kind of a bucking bronco effect on me and makes me freak out somewhat].

yup. what else. they're doing work on what used to be my room. the vibe of it being mine really is almost gone, with the floor ripped out and the walls almost all painted that gross peach color instead of my handsome grey and blue... sigh. at least the blinds i bought and the ceiling will be the same.

oh yeah! i guess i officially inherited the Wii now. and then promptly fucked it up. -^- went out looking for it to put the covers on the wiimotes and found out they'd gone ahead and detached it and put it up somewhere, so i took it and ended up putting it in my room for cleaning, and then decided why not just set it up. and i found out that shit can play Gamecube games so i set it up and started playing Wind Waker, but mom knocked on the door and in getting up I tugged the damn thing off the table by the controller cord, and it fell in the floor. the console is fine thank god, but the panel that covers the controller ports broke. :/ maybe they have replacements at save point. i MIGHT be able to glue the little pieces of the panel back on, but... no promises. it's just cosmetic but it makes me sad. BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS it works fine and is backwards compatible which i didn't even know, and i have gotten it cleaned up of all the gross film that it was coated in from my brother's grubby hands all over it, haha. and i got the new squishy cases and batteries for the remotes, so.

so now it's time for Hiccup and me to head to work. i love working that Wednesday between three days off, it's always a breeze and tonight should be even easier than usual. and then TOMORROW.... is the last day before Majora's Mask. oh myyy god. i'm gonna poop.

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SUCH A GOOD FRICKIN DAY just yes. wow. had a really hard weekend so i feel like i deserve today.

SO YA we're in. we're on the lease, signed my name away. february will be our last month totally rent-free. i'm just so glad. rly glad about all this. finally we can BREATHE. and we may get to move in before mid march or whatever, we really don't know what's gonna happen yet so i guess we'll just... remain 75% packed up and wait it out to see what happens lol. it works for me.

so ya then we went the EXTREMELY SHORT TRIP from the apartments to Save Point Games and just. oh god. love. that place is way too damn close to my new home lmfao. just went in there and picked up a couple replacement wiimote protectors [bc the brother wrecked the ones that we've had forever] and Metroid Prime for the gamecube, which i'll try out in a little while. i don't even mind if the gamecube can't play it bc i'm fixing to be able to just drive 5 miles from the house and drop $30 on a 'new' gamecube. which is on the list of stuff to buy from there lol. along with a cable for the little ps2 and other things that i can't think of right now.

and we stopped by subway and SURPRISE this happened to be the subway where my old manager works now! we only worked together for like three months so not that big a deal in the long run, but i was like woah sup!! she asked me if i still had a turkey wing in my car LOL. i guess that's what she knew me for. [in retrospect i rly shouldn't have kept that preserved bird wing in my hot car. no wonder it's so sticky now around the bone -^-] so yeah saw her for the first time in forever. that was cool. glad i'm so far removed from that old job that it wasn't weird or awkward for me at all.

yup. good day. and now the sun's setting and i'm tired from the short amount of sleep that i got but now we can relax a bit. it's nice. so nice.

inner life stuff:

- hiccup and me are getting so close it's ridic. just a really good fronting team. i'm becoming kinda self conscious about not paying attention to most of headspace besides my immediate fronting vicinity which usually includes Hiccup and a couple others. it's kinda like the internal version of staying in my room all day. but it's just something i'm going through right now. and i think folks understand that.
- the River. i have learned of its existence but not its name. Thirteen told me about an offering that needs to be made, most likely blood. nothing violent, just... introducing myself on the River [and its spirit]'s terms. imagery of flood waters, the water version of plains fires, harsh but necessary cleansing. and there's Irelia on the horizon, the great orca in the stormcloud, the matriarch female with the huge bull dorsal fin. that's how i see her. a female, dominant in orca culture, but with that giant tall fin, flashes of black and white showing through a stormcloud, an ominous eyepatch peeking out. i'm going to have to introduce myself to her, too.
- that fucking Shearwater album permeating my entire existence. some song or other from that album is constantly floating through my head and has been for like a week. it's so so important. i need to get more Shearwater but rn i'm just too tired. just gonna plug in my ps2 and put on Avatar because hiccup needs to watch that and i've been meaning to get around to it for a long ass time. watch a movie in bed and r e l a x. finally.
- moved the last stuff out of the room. [they're painting over the grey and blue walls whhhyyyy TT___TT i worked SO hard on those and they're so damn beautiful but apparently the grandmother 'won't like it'... im cry those walls are so beautiful even they agree wtf man. rip my beautiful hard work] my last act was to formally close up the altar space for good. i let it get dirty and stagnant, and temporarily closed it before, but this was a permanent goodbye. as with all good witchcraft, it was improvised as i went along, doing what felt right.
this time what felt right was approaching the altar from the middle of the room, bowing on all fours and touching my forehead to the [now carpet-bare hardwood] floor in reverence, as i had so many times before. thanking all the spirits i had spoken to and communed with here. then after a moment of silent reverence, abruptly standing up and clapping sharply into the echoing silence, as if to scare off an animal that had gotten too close. immediately turned on my heel and walked out of the room, at normal speed, but not looking back. i felt shadows following after me, nameless vibes and echoes, and felt chills run over my back, little pangs of inexplicable anxiety as i walked away from that sacred space, feeling the long maintained wards finally collapse down from the walls and floor. i just felt like it was important to formally close it up, say a loud and clear goodbye, not just drift away and let it be forgotten.