the Broken Arrows (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thebrokenarrows) wrote2015-03-27 03:43 pm
thebrokenarrows) wrote2015-03-27 03:43 pm
Entry tags:
032715
today just feels wrong. idk. it's still and overcast outside and usually i love a cloudy day but this one just has some Wrongness to it. not just because Bird's quiet. i'm ok with that. even though fuckin... of course bad shit would have to fall on this day for her. like jesus christ. and i can't be there as much as i want. i mean i can but not really what i want is to physically BE there. even though i don't know if that's what she'd even want right now. that's how i know i'm fucked. in love. i only want for her happiness, or peace, or whatever it means to feel good about life on the whole, most of the time.
my own life is peaceful right now but i just. i dunno. don't feel right. the balance is off. maybe because it's uncomfortably cold today, not how it should be. things are not as they should be, in general. they will be okay, but for the time being i feel very unsettled.
trying to decide if i want to wait for bb to get back or if i want to venture out and find food. i won't do that too much this paycheck, but we haven't gotten grocery lists or anything together yet so. eh.
and Poe - fucking. first of all i want to thank you again for honoring me with your private blog. and second, fucking HELL MAN YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME LONG AGO. that you had been dealing with motherfucking Baron Samedi/Papa Ghede. nope. hell to the fucking nope. i know that name. i got that call, once, a long time ago. did not pick up the phone. and i STILL to this day get little taps on the outsides of my mind. cigar smoke makes me look twice. but nope. sorry. nnnnope. i do not fuck with Loa. even if part of me feels a little compelled to. hell no. i was wise enough not to fuck with em as a baby pagan when i got the call and i'm still too chicken lmfao. maybe someday but even then i doubt it. Death Herself is quite enough of a ride for me. hell i can fuck with LOKI, the face of the Trickster. but not Loa. Nope. this little white boy ain't metal enough to go anywhere near the Loa. and may never be.
eh. idk what else. it's early in the day and i've just been reading. i may watch another episode of doctor who, kinda going back over that again bit by bit because... i can't articulate how important that show is to me. and always was. and all the things the Doctor taught me. kdjsdfs.
was thinking last night and it's really way too early to tell but the fact is, this year MIGHT be the start of a Core shift. a new reign/era. so much has fucking changed. it's probably not happened yet and really i never know that it's happed until after the fact - it's not totally like regeneration :v - but i realized that, i bet you the world, if there is a most recent Core other than myself from like the 2012-2014 era to be cast off, they're going to use the name Magpie. one that was important to me and then sharply fell off like that. that's a token sign of a name being reserved if you ask me. so it may very well go summer/apostrophe > thirteen > kyo > vernon > magpie > oliver. we'll see. i'm not counting any chickens until the person actually shows up in headspace. which is usually like at least a couple years after the Core shifts. so i might be a new me and not even really know it yet. although i definitely FEEL like that what with everything that's happened since last fall.
yeah. so. i'm ok, but some things outside are less ok and it makes me pretty grumpy that i can't just fix it. can't just crawl into bed and hug my loved ones all better. and work tonight is gonna be busy as hell, even last night was surprisingly busy. maybe the cold will keep some of the drunks at home, we can hope for that.
my own life is peaceful right now but i just. i dunno. don't feel right. the balance is off. maybe because it's uncomfortably cold today, not how it should be. things are not as they should be, in general. they will be okay, but for the time being i feel very unsettled.
trying to decide if i want to wait for bb to get back or if i want to venture out and find food. i won't do that too much this paycheck, but we haven't gotten grocery lists or anything together yet so. eh.
and Poe - fucking. first of all i want to thank you again for honoring me with your private blog. and second, fucking HELL MAN YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME LONG AGO. that you had been dealing with motherfucking Baron Samedi/Papa Ghede. nope. hell to the fucking nope. i know that name. i got that call, once, a long time ago. did not pick up the phone. and i STILL to this day get little taps on the outsides of my mind. cigar smoke makes me look twice. but nope. sorry. nnnnope. i do not fuck with Loa. even if part of me feels a little compelled to. hell no. i was wise enough not to fuck with em as a baby pagan when i got the call and i'm still too chicken lmfao. maybe someday but even then i doubt it. Death Herself is quite enough of a ride for me. hell i can fuck with LOKI, the face of the Trickster. but not Loa. Nope. this little white boy ain't metal enough to go anywhere near the Loa. and may never be.
eh. idk what else. it's early in the day and i've just been reading. i may watch another episode of doctor who, kinda going back over that again bit by bit because... i can't articulate how important that show is to me. and always was. and all the things the Doctor taught me. kdjsdfs.
was thinking last night and it's really way too early to tell but the fact is, this year MIGHT be the start of a Core shift. a new reign/era. so much has fucking changed. it's probably not happened yet and really i never know that it's happed until after the fact - it's not totally like regeneration :v - but i realized that, i bet you the world, if there is a most recent Core other than myself from like the 2012-2014 era to be cast off, they're going to use the name Magpie. one that was important to me and then sharply fell off like that. that's a token sign of a name being reserved if you ask me. so it may very well go summer/apostrophe > thirteen > kyo > vernon > magpie > oliver. we'll see. i'm not counting any chickens until the person actually shows up in headspace. which is usually like at least a couple years after the Core shifts. so i might be a new me and not even really know it yet. although i definitely FEEL like that what with everything that's happened since last fall.
yeah. so. i'm ok, but some things outside are less ok and it makes me pretty grumpy that i can't just fix it. can't just crawl into bed and hug my loved ones all better. and work tonight is gonna be busy as hell, even last night was surprisingly busy. maybe the cold will keep some of the drunks at home, we can hope for that.