the Broken Arrows (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thebrokenarrows) wrote2015-02-23 05:23 pm
thebrokenarrows) wrote2015-02-23 05:23 pm
Entry tags:
022315
Home alone now so I can type about this properly.
just feeling really... amazed at this winter. Winters are never good times for me. I'm a fall person, and summer and spring... pretty much the only time for me that feels suffocating and hard is winter. But this.... this one has been astounding.
I'm finding myself. So weird to say that but in so many ways I am. Since I grew out of Kyo and really realized it back in 2011 ish, realized that she was too much her own being and couldn't be my avatar anymore, I've been struggling. Having no persona, no grasp of what I looked like on the inside. Wore the skins of so many birds, so many animals, nothing stuck. Made so many attempted fursonas but they just became their own characters or faded away for the most part. But I know what I am now.
When I'm human in headspace, I still can't see myself; my image is just a blur of skin color and brown or white hair. I can't get a grasp on what I look like yet, I know that I look similar to the body's face as all Cores typically do, but... I know what my true shape is. I'm dragon. Toyed with this idea so many times and wouldn't... let myself for some reason. Wouldn't let myself just be it, own it. Dragon felt too powerful, but that wasn't the problem; the problem was that I didn't feel worthy to acknowledge that I had power. Felt that it was arrogant and bullheaded to say that I'm a dragon, that I'm powerful and strong, but no. You have to find your own power. Doesn't matter how objectively big you think that power is [read: how you see yourself compared to others]; the important part is that you find it and you know how to access it.
So. I'm dragon. I have scales on my body - copper when it's warm, pales to brass in the winter. Rather birdlike, very birdlike eyes particularly. Reminiscent of a heron in some ways, like the long neck that bends back on itself in flight. My wings are black, long and sweeping and I fly like a vulture, efficiently coasting with relatively few wingbeats. There are two long blackish horns on my head, gently curved and sloping back, with two small horselike ears below them. I also have black feathers on my neck, back and tail that make kind of a mane. I've been working on getting it right down on paper but it's hard. The legs especially are giving me a hard time, they're birdlike and I'm so bad at bird feet.
This shape hasn't left me, hasn't changed, in months. It feels amazing. I've been floating for... so fucking long. Years. And I still shapeshift, still have bird times and coyote times and cat times and other things. I will always be a shapeshifter but I realized that in my heart, I'm a dragon. I... don't have words for how relieved I am. To see this finally settling when I thought it might never settle again. To have a shape to call my own, to be proud of. I hope people in my life think of me when they see a dragon.
I'm... coping. Learning to cope. Letting go. Used to be unable to weather these five day work weeks, and look at me now, here we are on day five and I don't feel a goddamn thing. Bird said that I seem happier and less anxious lately and it's... so true. Hiccup tag teaming makes... infinite amounts of difference. Like a barrier between me and the emotions of the shitty people I encounter during the day. Stuff stresses me out but then it's done and it's gone and over and it's GONE. the next day it's not still with me. most of the time. i'm not scared of things as much anymore. i'm coping and growing and i don't even understand it. except i do. i know exactly why. and so do all of the few people who know me well enough.
and it's important i want to note this isn't some magical person sweeping in to solve all my problems and handle all my life's tough situations for me. no. that's the entire point, he PUSHES me. he was listing silly magnanimous titles for himself, boundary breaker, diplomat, peace maker. jokingly. but it's true. he pushes limits. constantly nudges me out of my comfort zone. making me just uncomfortable and embarassed enough to grow. and so I'm growing so fucking quickly and it's blowing my mind. i don't even know what to think. and this week we're going to make the Big Change, the move, we're leaving this place and going to the city full of opportunity and just. i feel like this year is going to be really really important. it's already important. i'm ready.
And then... all this other stuff happening... ugh. He's giving me A Look haha. I'm still shy, still feeling like a ~wild thing~. But I know it's not true, I've let him on my back so many times that it doesn't even render as strange anymore. I'm tamed, I guess, but I'm still shy to admit it. And he's laughing and placing his hand on my nose Importantly and fuck you <3
Augh. Things I want to say but I don't know. Barriers. But hey the person I want to read these trash subjects the most has an lj now so I can make the trashiest ones of all friends only so :v
Just... ok. I admit that in the past I looked down on people who gushed endlessly about their fictives and seemed like all their headspace and plurality was was just them and a bunch of their favorite characters from recent/popular movies and tv shows and stuff. I judged people and systems like that and it was wrong of me. No matter what I think then and now, it doesn't matter.
And now I'm pretty much karmatically getting my ass whipped for that, because SOMEBODY.... has a habit of coming into a world and utterly changing the shit out of it, for the better. Hiro showed up last night because he felt us thinking about him a lot and just CONJURED A CHAIR TO SIT IN AND WHAT. What. What the hell. That's not how it WORKS. How can people just do this now. Headspace is fundamentally changing, the rules are changing again. Again just when I thought I'd got it sorted out, something deep down shifted like a tectonic plate.
and i was thinking on the ride home from lunch today that maybe this is what i always needed. someone inside whose feelings i couldn't doubt, whose words were immune to being twisted by my darkness into weapons to use against myself. i can't tell myself he's sick of me, can't tell myself i'm talking too much and he wants me to leave him alone, or that i'm too clingy or any of the other garbage of which it likes to convince me. because i can sense the truth of the matter. i can sense his heart at all times. and vice versa. that's the nature of our relationship. i'm vehemently opposed to the concept of "other halves" or someone showing up to complete you and that's not what this is. but. maybe Dale was right with the 'perfect sync' idea.
When Hiccup first became evident, before I even met him before he was even remotely lucid, we noticed changes. Animals behaving differently. Like a small earthquake that they could sense before we did. That's what he's basically been, a force of nature that's shaken up everything and just up and changed all the rules. And I hate you I love you for that, endlessly. Ugh. I'm garbage put me in the dump.
just feeling really... amazed at this winter. Winters are never good times for me. I'm a fall person, and summer and spring... pretty much the only time for me that feels suffocating and hard is winter. But this.... this one has been astounding.
I'm finding myself. So weird to say that but in so many ways I am. Since I grew out of Kyo and really realized it back in 2011 ish, realized that she was too much her own being and couldn't be my avatar anymore, I've been struggling. Having no persona, no grasp of what I looked like on the inside. Wore the skins of so many birds, so many animals, nothing stuck. Made so many attempted fursonas but they just became their own characters or faded away for the most part. But I know what I am now.
When I'm human in headspace, I still can't see myself; my image is just a blur of skin color and brown or white hair. I can't get a grasp on what I look like yet, I know that I look similar to the body's face as all Cores typically do, but... I know what my true shape is. I'm dragon. Toyed with this idea so many times and wouldn't... let myself for some reason. Wouldn't let myself just be it, own it. Dragon felt too powerful, but that wasn't the problem; the problem was that I didn't feel worthy to acknowledge that I had power. Felt that it was arrogant and bullheaded to say that I'm a dragon, that I'm powerful and strong, but no. You have to find your own power. Doesn't matter how objectively big you think that power is [read: how you see yourself compared to others]; the important part is that you find it and you know how to access it.
So. I'm dragon. I have scales on my body - copper when it's warm, pales to brass in the winter. Rather birdlike, very birdlike eyes particularly. Reminiscent of a heron in some ways, like the long neck that bends back on itself in flight. My wings are black, long and sweeping and I fly like a vulture, efficiently coasting with relatively few wingbeats. There are two long blackish horns on my head, gently curved and sloping back, with two small horselike ears below them. I also have black feathers on my neck, back and tail that make kind of a mane. I've been working on getting it right down on paper but it's hard. The legs especially are giving me a hard time, they're birdlike and I'm so bad at bird feet.
This shape hasn't left me, hasn't changed, in months. It feels amazing. I've been floating for... so fucking long. Years. And I still shapeshift, still have bird times and coyote times and cat times and other things. I will always be a shapeshifter but I realized that in my heart, I'm a dragon. I... don't have words for how relieved I am. To see this finally settling when I thought it might never settle again. To have a shape to call my own, to be proud of. I hope people in my life think of me when they see a dragon.
I'm... coping. Learning to cope. Letting go. Used to be unable to weather these five day work weeks, and look at me now, here we are on day five and I don't feel a goddamn thing. Bird said that I seem happier and less anxious lately and it's... so true. Hiccup tag teaming makes... infinite amounts of difference. Like a barrier between me and the emotions of the shitty people I encounter during the day. Stuff stresses me out but then it's done and it's gone and over and it's GONE. the next day it's not still with me. most of the time. i'm not scared of things as much anymore. i'm coping and growing and i don't even understand it. except i do. i know exactly why. and so do all of the few people who know me well enough.
and it's important i want to note this isn't some magical person sweeping in to solve all my problems and handle all my life's tough situations for me. no. that's the entire point, he PUSHES me. he was listing silly magnanimous titles for himself, boundary breaker, diplomat, peace maker. jokingly. but it's true. he pushes limits. constantly nudges me out of my comfort zone. making me just uncomfortable and embarassed enough to grow. and so I'm growing so fucking quickly and it's blowing my mind. i don't even know what to think. and this week we're going to make the Big Change, the move, we're leaving this place and going to the city full of opportunity and just. i feel like this year is going to be really really important. it's already important. i'm ready.
And then... all this other stuff happening... ugh. He's giving me A Look haha. I'm still shy, still feeling like a ~wild thing~. But I know it's not true, I've let him on my back so many times that it doesn't even render as strange anymore. I'm tamed, I guess, but I'm still shy to admit it. And he's laughing and placing his hand on my nose Importantly and fuck you <3
Augh. Things I want to say but I don't know. Barriers. But hey the person I want to read these trash subjects the most has an lj now so I can make the trashiest ones of all friends only so :v
Just... ok. I admit that in the past I looked down on people who gushed endlessly about their fictives and seemed like all their headspace and plurality was was just them and a bunch of their favorite characters from recent/popular movies and tv shows and stuff. I judged people and systems like that and it was wrong of me. No matter what I think then and now, it doesn't matter.
And now I'm pretty much karmatically getting my ass whipped for that, because SOMEBODY.... has a habit of coming into a world and utterly changing the shit out of it, for the better. Hiro showed up last night because he felt us thinking about him a lot and just CONJURED A CHAIR TO SIT IN AND WHAT. What. What the hell. That's not how it WORKS. How can people just do this now. Headspace is fundamentally changing, the rules are changing again. Again just when I thought I'd got it sorted out, something deep down shifted like a tectonic plate.
and i was thinking on the ride home from lunch today that maybe this is what i always needed. someone inside whose feelings i couldn't doubt, whose words were immune to being twisted by my darkness into weapons to use against myself. i can't tell myself he's sick of me, can't tell myself i'm talking too much and he wants me to leave him alone, or that i'm too clingy or any of the other garbage of which it likes to convince me. because i can sense the truth of the matter. i can sense his heart at all times. and vice versa. that's the nature of our relationship. i'm vehemently opposed to the concept of "other halves" or someone showing up to complete you and that's not what this is. but. maybe Dale was right with the 'perfect sync' idea.
When Hiccup first became evident, before I even met him before he was even remotely lucid, we noticed changes. Animals behaving differently. Like a small earthquake that they could sense before we did. That's what he's basically been, a force of nature that's shaken up everything and just up and changed all the rules. And I hate you I love you for that, endlessly. Ugh. I'm garbage put me in the dump.