the Broken Arrows (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thebrokenarrows) wrote2015-05-26 05:38 pm
thebrokenarrows) wrote2015-05-26 05:38 pm
Entry tags:
052615
have not been updating properly booooo
had four hours of sleep last night [after an... altercation between kris and i that was very much unexpected hoho] and then at 7 am i just could not sleep any longer even if i wanted to, and i felt... wide awake. motivated. like, this is the opposite of usual. normally i have to drag myself out of bed even after ten hours. i wanna know how to make this happen again bc that sure was nice even though i'm kinda tired now.
so i got up and made breakfast and took a shower and it was almost like i was a normal person. haha. i really miss the dazzling sunlight shades of the hours of 8-10 am. it really is amazing and beautiful if you rarely get to experience those hours awake, like me. [although i suppose 5 pm, right now, is very beautiful in much the same way, but on the opposite side of the sky, if you often don't get to experience that hour for some reason.] anyway, i meant to draw but i... rather failed at that. but i was somewhat productive today.
went to walmart with bb to get a replacement exercise ball for our roommates, because SOMEONE sliced theirs with his claws on accident and made a hole. :[ and it turns out the ball we got is too big soooo i'm not sure what we'll do now lol. ugh. stuff like that makes me feel really guilty and panicky and my brain starts churning out unwanted thoughts all on its own about how my roomies regret signing the lease with me because of stuff like this and they don't want me or Murphy here blah blah blah. even though they're actually really chill about this stuff. my brain has been taught to do this all on its own. bleh.
took a nap around 1-2, might have to take another little one before i leave, we'll see. woke up to bb making us grits and eggs and some kind of mexican sausage that i didn't catch the name of, regardless it was delicious all mixed together in a bowl. i meant to go back to sleep after eating it but actually i had a random spark of inspiration [told you i've felt strangely motivated and neurotypical almost today >_>] and just... took down all the books out of my bookcases and rearranged them all by color. so i've got the whole spectrum going on now, complete with stuff on the shelves like toys and such to match the colors. it's pretty awesome. even if i had to break up series to get it right. >_> but we know where they all are though so it's okay. i have done this before for years and enjoyed it, it just feels right. although i haven't broken up the series like this before. but i think it's worth doing.
oh but yeah. last night hahaha. uhhh. let's just say me and kris kind of spontaneously did the do. like pretty much out of nowhere. i mean yeah he was in a pretty riled up and wired and excitable mood in general, but we didn't really even think of doing that, but then as we laid in bed and tried to fall asleep, suddenly we just looked at each other and just like that it happened??? hahaha. i guess it was just inevitably going to happen at some point. i had sort of a sense that it was coming, but not exactly like this >_> i have no regrets at all though. at least it calmed him the fuck down lol. i was a little unsure of what things would be like between us afterward, but it's actually... barely changed if at all lol. i mean once you go there with someone, it will always be a little different than it was before you made that bond, but that's all it is really. feels right almost, like that was just meant to end up happening and now it has and we can move on haha. or maybe do it again at some point who knows??? but yeah woke up this morning and in half consciousness he was there, and right as i woke up fully he was still there. he had been in front with me all night i guess. all four hours we managed to sleep. i blame him for that somehow lol. it's been a LONG time since someone has been cofronting with me right as i woke up for the day. just sitting there smugly chomping on his cigarette lolol u piece of poop. so yeah it's kinda nice to just have casual sexy times with friends, no hang ups, no strings attached, just go back to being p much normal after. there is such a terrible taboo on that phrase but like you can have sex with friends or others casually without being unsafe or irresponsible or shitty about it. that's dumb don't do that.
i dunno bird has been busy p much all day and i haven't been able to talk to her bc she's with a friend system and like. it's not that i'm a jealous person exactly but... idk i'm just clingy. i guess. there was a time when i would place expectations on people to keep up constant contact with me and that was unhealthy. i realize that now and i don't want to do that anymore. and yet i feel.. idk almost burned, almost withdrawal feelings when people don't talk to me for extended periods. and it's absolutely no one's fault but my own like this is just five hours what the hell brain calm it down. there will be plenty of time later to talk. and yet part of my mind goes 'what happened to living in the moment? in the moment i'm unsatisfied.' and like. the argument continues forever. i hate it i want to just be happy for any talking at all. no one is obligated to talk to me ever any amount. i will never force someone to send nothing-messages just as a means of keeping in touch again. i did that too much in the past. no one has to touch base with me if they don't feel like it no matter how much i want it. it's just hard to reconcile thoughts like this with trying to get rid of thoughts of being 'unworthy' or 'unimportant' or 'not powerful' which is a thing i'm trying to remove from myself... ya know.
had four hours of sleep last night [after an... altercation between kris and i that was very much unexpected hoho] and then at 7 am i just could not sleep any longer even if i wanted to, and i felt... wide awake. motivated. like, this is the opposite of usual. normally i have to drag myself out of bed even after ten hours. i wanna know how to make this happen again bc that sure was nice even though i'm kinda tired now.
so i got up and made breakfast and took a shower and it was almost like i was a normal person. haha. i really miss the dazzling sunlight shades of the hours of 8-10 am. it really is amazing and beautiful if you rarely get to experience those hours awake, like me. [although i suppose 5 pm, right now, is very beautiful in much the same way, but on the opposite side of the sky, if you often don't get to experience that hour for some reason.] anyway, i meant to draw but i... rather failed at that. but i was somewhat productive today.
went to walmart with bb to get a replacement exercise ball for our roommates, because SOMEONE sliced theirs with his claws on accident and made a hole. :[ and it turns out the ball we got is too big soooo i'm not sure what we'll do now lol. ugh. stuff like that makes me feel really guilty and panicky and my brain starts churning out unwanted thoughts all on its own about how my roomies regret signing the lease with me because of stuff like this and they don't want me or Murphy here blah blah blah. even though they're actually really chill about this stuff. my brain has been taught to do this all on its own. bleh.
took a nap around 1-2, might have to take another little one before i leave, we'll see. woke up to bb making us grits and eggs and some kind of mexican sausage that i didn't catch the name of, regardless it was delicious all mixed together in a bowl. i meant to go back to sleep after eating it but actually i had a random spark of inspiration [told you i've felt strangely motivated and neurotypical almost today >_>] and just... took down all the books out of my bookcases and rearranged them all by color. so i've got the whole spectrum going on now, complete with stuff on the shelves like toys and such to match the colors. it's pretty awesome. even if i had to break up series to get it right. >_> but we know where they all are though so it's okay. i have done this before for years and enjoyed it, it just feels right. although i haven't broken up the series like this before. but i think it's worth doing.
oh but yeah. last night hahaha. uhhh. let's just say me and kris kind of spontaneously did the do. like pretty much out of nowhere. i mean yeah he was in a pretty riled up and wired and excitable mood in general, but we didn't really even think of doing that, but then as we laid in bed and tried to fall asleep, suddenly we just looked at each other and just like that it happened??? hahaha. i guess it was just inevitably going to happen at some point. i had sort of a sense that it was coming, but not exactly like this >_> i have no regrets at all though. at least it calmed him the fuck down lol. i was a little unsure of what things would be like between us afterward, but it's actually... barely changed if at all lol. i mean once you go there with someone, it will always be a little different than it was before you made that bond, but that's all it is really. feels right almost, like that was just meant to end up happening and now it has and we can move on haha. or maybe do it again at some point who knows??? but yeah woke up this morning and in half consciousness he was there, and right as i woke up fully he was still there. he had been in front with me all night i guess. all four hours we managed to sleep. i blame him for that somehow lol. it's been a LONG time since someone has been cofronting with me right as i woke up for the day. just sitting there smugly chomping on his cigarette lolol u piece of poop. so yeah it's kinda nice to just have casual sexy times with friends, no hang ups, no strings attached, just go back to being p much normal after. there is such a terrible taboo on that phrase but like you can have sex with friends or others casually without being unsafe or irresponsible or shitty about it. that's dumb don't do that.
i dunno bird has been busy p much all day and i haven't been able to talk to her bc she's with a friend system and like. it's not that i'm a jealous person exactly but... idk i'm just clingy. i guess. there was a time when i would place expectations on people to keep up constant contact with me and that was unhealthy. i realize that now and i don't want to do that anymore. and yet i feel.. idk almost burned, almost withdrawal feelings when people don't talk to me for extended periods. and it's absolutely no one's fault but my own like this is just five hours what the hell brain calm it down. there will be plenty of time later to talk. and yet part of my mind goes 'what happened to living in the moment? in the moment i'm unsatisfied.' and like. the argument continues forever. i hate it i want to just be happy for any talking at all. no one is obligated to talk to me ever any amount. i will never force someone to send nothing-messages just as a means of keeping in touch again. i did that too much in the past. no one has to touch base with me if they don't feel like it no matter how much i want it. it's just hard to reconcile thoughts like this with trying to get rid of thoughts of being 'unworthy' or 'unimportant' or 'not powerful' which is a thing i'm trying to remove from myself... ya know.