the Broken Arrows (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thebrokenarrows) wrote2015-03-08 04:23 pm
thebrokenarrows) wrote2015-03-08 04:23 pm
Entry tags:
030815
still dealing with old baggage, slight turbulence in adjusting to a new way of life.
i'm much too used to hiding in my room all day, i don't know any other way to go about things. i'm comfortable in here and i have nothing to say out there, i want to be a bit more social but i don't know... how. don't know what to say, don't really want to talk. when we were moving in they expressed their desire for us to come out and be social, because their current roommate was in their room all the time. and so i feel guilty for this. although i know they wouldn't want me to feel guilty at all. but this is how i've lived for... well, i was going to say like 2 years, then i was going to say like 6 years but actually i guess when you boil it down it's been over a decade for me. it's going to be a hard habit to break.
and the last time i moved out, this caused problems with roommates who felt like i was being rude and antisocial and would traumatize me via call outs. but i have to remember that that's old stuff. it no longer applies. when those things happened i was A LOT further behind in my healing various issues than i am now. things are way way better now. and i am pretty damn sure my roomies wouldn't even think about doing something like that to me, but programming is there to protect me and doesn't realize when it's no longer applicable, so it still haunts me and i flinch every time i hear someone clear their throat or cough from the other room, believing for a split second that it's aimed at me. but it's not. this place is friendly and i have to try to remember that. the food in the kitchen is OUR food and it's okay to eat it even if you didn't buy it, unless there's something saying you shouldn't. that's gonna be really hard for me to un-learn.
there's also anxiety with the kitchen. that's mostly old and no longer needed programming that's still causing issues. i'm afraid to be 'caught' in the kitchen, afraid to take any of their food although i've been reassured that it's fine. and so i'm not eating very much and when i do it's usually like, one bowl of cereal per day because that's unobtrusive to make and i can be in and out quickly. this whole problem will be partially helped when we go get our own groceries and/or shop together all four of us. but. and washing dishes is triggering for me even after all these years, and i've done a LOT of work on that particular problem but it's still uncomfortable and i'm nervous and blah blah. ya know. my normal state.
in other news it is a beautiful day and i'm so so so happy the world is starting to warm up. it's gonna rain for like a week after today though lol. and that's ok. bless the rain. soon summer storms will come and it will be my time and the time of Irelia. <3
i'm much too used to hiding in my room all day, i don't know any other way to go about things. i'm comfortable in here and i have nothing to say out there, i want to be a bit more social but i don't know... how. don't know what to say, don't really want to talk. when we were moving in they expressed their desire for us to come out and be social, because their current roommate was in their room all the time. and so i feel guilty for this. although i know they wouldn't want me to feel guilty at all. but this is how i've lived for... well, i was going to say like 2 years, then i was going to say like 6 years but actually i guess when you boil it down it's been over a decade for me. it's going to be a hard habit to break.
and the last time i moved out, this caused problems with roommates who felt like i was being rude and antisocial and would traumatize me via call outs. but i have to remember that that's old stuff. it no longer applies. when those things happened i was A LOT further behind in my healing various issues than i am now. things are way way better now. and i am pretty damn sure my roomies wouldn't even think about doing something like that to me, but programming is there to protect me and doesn't realize when it's no longer applicable, so it still haunts me and i flinch every time i hear someone clear their throat or cough from the other room, believing for a split second that it's aimed at me. but it's not. this place is friendly and i have to try to remember that. the food in the kitchen is OUR food and it's okay to eat it even if you didn't buy it, unless there's something saying you shouldn't. that's gonna be really hard for me to un-learn.
there's also anxiety with the kitchen. that's mostly old and no longer needed programming that's still causing issues. i'm afraid to be 'caught' in the kitchen, afraid to take any of their food although i've been reassured that it's fine. and so i'm not eating very much and when i do it's usually like, one bowl of cereal per day because that's unobtrusive to make and i can be in and out quickly. this whole problem will be partially helped when we go get our own groceries and/or shop together all four of us. but. and washing dishes is triggering for me even after all these years, and i've done a LOT of work on that particular problem but it's still uncomfortable and i'm nervous and blah blah. ya know. my normal state.
in other news it is a beautiful day and i'm so so so happy the world is starting to warm up. it's gonna rain for like a week after today though lol. and that's ok. bless the rain. soon summer storms will come and it will be my time and the time of Irelia. <3